Hot Here

It's so hot here my AC has laughed at me today. I have it set for 74 and the temp in my apartment is 77 and that's with it running all the time. Yuck.
My life is feeling a bit again like it's in limbo land. When I knew my contract was almost up here I told my recruiter to start looking for something else for me. I considered the Bay Area just because it was still close enough that I could drive here for appointments to see the doctor if I needed to. I knew it was more expensive to live there but I guess I hadn't counted on how much more expensive. I went down yesterday to look at potential places to live and the only one I found that was an option was $1500 a month which is double. This is frustrating for several reasons. I had figured that I could save enough for my next IVF in about 3 months time. However if I'm paying this much for rent, it's not going to happen. It would take 6 months and lets face it, at 38 my ovaries aren't getting any younger. Plus if I'm going to be paying that much rent, I know I won't stay for more than one contract which means that in 3 months I will be doing the moving thing again and coming up with deposits etc which has gotten pretty expensive. I also realized that I had left SB which was a contract I loved at least in part because of the cost of housing and that I couldn't save with it being that high. So to take another contract where the costs are similar just seems silly. If I was going to pay that much for housing I would much rather go back to SB. I also had the realization that I'm not really enjoying traveling that much right now. So basically I'm only doing it for the money at the moment and if I'm doing it for the money than I need to actually be making enough money for it to be worthwhile. I want to do something different. I want to be trained in a new area which most likely won't happen as a traveler. I dread another contract right now just because this one has been so bad. Granted I know that if I was to get another contract that was good and that I liked I would probably feel better but I keep finding myself wishing for or wanting a "travel" position that I like well enough to stay put for 6-9 months. I'm tired of moving every 3 months. So I told recruiter that I really didn't want the position because of the cost of housing thing. He of course decided he needed to fix it by finding me housing that was affordable. Whatever. I suppose if they did find something that was reasonable I would still take the position. Otherwise I'm ready to start looking elsewhere. I don't know if my recruiter realizes how stubborn I can be once my mind is made up. So I guess I'll see what happens. But I don't think I'm going to the bay area next.

Packing, Again

Well I got my next assignment and I'm off to Mar*in C0unty. Like next week. And I just started packing last night. Ugg. I was supposed to find out Monday whether I got the position or not which would have given me a couple of days to go over and look for a place to live but instead found out yesterday afternoon at like 5pm. I have today off and I'm not sure if I'm going to go or just focus on packing. I really sort of need to go as I want to start moving my stuff early next week so I have the week to settle in before I start work on the 8th. I had sort of hoped to push out starting until the 15th but oh well. That means I will be done around the 8th of December and will have about 3 weeks before Christmas. I think that will give me time to finish what I should have done before in moving HS out of my house. I had really hoped that the situation would work as it would be so much easier but it's not. I'm not getting the months rent until almost the end of the month now (although it is the full amount). The last 2 months he has "accidentally" sent it to my old address in Santa Barbara which delays me getting it. The first time it got sent back to him and then he mailed it out to my address in Sac and this time it finally got forwarded to me. Since he has sent it to me twice at my address I know he has my address. My fault I guess for hoping this would work and for letting him slide so long that now he expects it.

Thanks

Thanks for all the positive comments about my new tattoo and the guy. I would love to be able to print out all your comments and give them to him, just to let him know what blog land thinks of him. I loved the comment of how he wasn't worthy to wash my socks. So funny. I would love to post the guys name on my blog so that any future girl who is smart enough to google him will be warned about him. That's probably a touch vindictive though. To those who asked, yes it hurt like hell getting it (the tattoo) done but it was really quick. Seriously took the guy like 20 minutes. And I was talking on my cell for most of the time and was pretty well distracted so it was ok. It also still didn't hurt nearly as bad as the one I have on my chest. The guy who did this one said that the artist who did the one on my chest went too deep and that was why it hurt so much. This guy was a kick and I think he got a few laughs out of me when I told him the short version of the story behind the tattoo etc. Now I have the next 4 days/nights off work and won't have to wear shoes (yippee, shoes sort of sucked this last week) for a few days.
So I finally have my book exchange blog up and at a place where I like it. I tried out wordpress for a little over a week just to see how I liked it and I didn't really. It just didn't seem as user friendly. So I moved it all over to blogspot tonight. The blog is The Batty Book Exchange and you should all head over there and take a look. I will say that for now anyways participation is limited to those in the US mostly because of shipping issues. Sorry to all the overseas and Canadian folks.
I have 2 more nights of work at the hospital from hell!!!! I now officially have short timers. Don't get me wrong, I care about my patients but as far as the rest of the bitchy staff nurses and the charge nurse who is constantly complaining about and looking for things to complain about, I just don't care anymore. As of Sunday morning I will be done!! Still don't know where I'm going yet but I figure that will come. I had an interview last week for a position in Mar*in C0unty but I haven't heard back yet.
Well I'm about to collapse from lack of sleep so I hope everyone has a good week.

Show And Tell With A Story

This weeks show and tell comes with a bit of a story too. The last few months I’ve been feeling somewhat like my life is out of my control, gee imagine infertility causing a woman to feel like that. I’ve felt a bit like nothing in my life has turned out the way I wanted it to. I have a history in the past of liking guys who didn’t like me back for whatever reason and yet I would put my everything into liking them, trying to change myself to be what I thought the guy of the week or month would like. I finally had given up this damaging habit a couple of years ago, around the time I more or less gave up on men. While I have had dates in the last couple of years I feel I have done a fairly decent job of being mostly true to myself. I also haven’t dated anyone that gave me that really excited, I really like this guy feeling. I haven’t felt physically attracted to any of the guys I’ve dated. Then a few weeks ago I was talking to a co-worker who asked me out on a date although we didn’t really set a concrete plan. This guy did a lot of sweet talking with a lot of pretty words and I amazed myself by falling for it. I liked this guy. Liked him to the point I didn’t even blog about him. So while I didn't totally trust the sweet talking, I did pretty much ignore my distrust too. There were several tentative plans made and phone calls that never came. A couple of weeks ago to get away from what I knew would likely be a weekend sitting at home hoping and waiting for the phone to ring I went to Seattle. A few days after I got back he called me and asked if I wanted to go to the fair. The fair sounded great and I was really excited. He talked off and on all week about how much fun we were going to have. So the day of the fair, he calls and says he’s on his way to pick me up and oh by the way, he’s bringing his friend Julie. Huh????? You’re bringing another girl on our date?? I should have just said no thanks but of course I didn’t. The girl was nice and I got along with her ok but it was just weird. The guy seemed to mostly ignore both of us although from the way she talked they spend quite a bit of time together. At the end of the night he dropped me off at home and took off with her and I did what I had told myself I would never do again. I sat and cried. I was confused, wondering why he would say the things he’d said and yet leave me confused. The next night I went to work and a girl I work with asked how the fair was. I hadn’t mentioned the fair to her but I figured maybe the guy did. I told her it was ok. She seemed to pick up on something and asked if it was related to the guy and thought that maybe she needed to know what had happened. So I ended up talking to her and turns out he had been feeding her (and who knows who else?) all the same pretty words. He had actually told her on Saturday that he wasn’t going to go to the fair on Sunday as he wanted to go with her and she was working but then went to the fair on Sunday with me and Julie. So talking with her opened my eyes and instead of feeling bad about it, I got mad. It was a liberating feeling. I realized I had been doing a bit of the doormat routine again. So I decided that I needed to do something for myself to make myself feel more powerful. More in charge of my life and less like a doormat. So I did this.

According to the site What's Your Sign this is the Triple Spiral and it represents the drawing of the three powers of maiden, mother and crone. It is a sign of female power and especially power through transition and growth.
Now when I need to remember how strong I am I only need to look down at my foot.

Gotta Love The Fair

I had fun at the fair although the day went completely not as expected for various reasons but then I guess I should know better than to expect much in others. Fair itself was fun, the company a bit odd to say the least. I did some rides however many of the rides that were super cool when I was younger are not so much now. And all the new rides are absolutely crazy not to mention that my ass pretty much doesn't fit well into the seats which sort of takes away the fun. I will say though that the Tilt a whirl? Still hugely fun. I laughed like crazy during the whole ride. I loved it. I liked the roller coasters they had too but they didn't have any wild ones. Last year I had discovered that the wild ones that I used to love were a bit more unnerving than previously remembered. I must be getting old. The food was fair food. You can't go wrong with the corn dogs but much of the rest of it sort of isn't what you would expect. The deep fried sni*ckers was good but you couldn't eat the whole thing. I also found a place that sold cup cakes (I guess they have a cup cake store downtown Sac) and that was really good. I also saw a cute baby shirt that I almost bought as it was so funny. It was black with white writing that said "Potty like a rockstar" I also saw a whole lot of baby bumps and new babies and little toddlers etc. I found myself feeling so wistful watching the little kids and aching for what I want so badly. So a mostly good day.

Show And Tell

So for show and tell this week I thought I would post a few pics from my trip to Seattle last weekend. Actually these are from last Friday the ferry ride to get to R's house. This first picture is of the shoreline on Vashon Island. The house and all were just so cute so I took a pic.

This was just a seagull on the pilings but Vashon Island in the background looked kind of neat.

This one is looking over a passenger only ferry dock and I loved the view of the Sound also.

It was a great trip and I love to go visit Seattle. It's always so scenic on a nice sunny day.

Going To The Fair

On Sunday. I have to work the next 2 nights but am excited about going to the fair. I love fairs and all the associated junk food, sights and such. I love the rides too but in the last few years my fat ass has made that a bit difficult and embarrassing.
I am finally getting close to the end of my contract here at this hellish hospital. My company had been trying to get my contract extended by 2 weeks to make up the shifts I missed when I was out with my neck injury but the hospital denied that. I'm not really all that upset about that. I'm kind of glad about it actually. I'm waiting to hear more about where I'm going next. My recruiter is submitting me to a couple of different places so maybe next week I'll know more. Of course now I have to start packing again. Yikes.
Last night I made chicken and black been enchiladas for dinner and they turned out fantastic. So yummy even with my little recipe modifications. I of course left out the onions as I HATE them. Not too much else going on. I'm back to work tonight for 2 nights. I don't know yet if it will be at the regular hospital or elsewhere. They've been floating people a lot lately. Hope everyone is doing well and that you all have a good weekend.

Just Thinking

So I'm not cycling this month. I didn't even try. When I got home Monday I paid bills and had not much left over for ultrasounds etc. That with not having the labs done and the fact that my heart just didn't feel into it this month. See back in like April, May and June I felt like my body was different since the miscarriage. I felt ovulation, everything just seemed to be in sync. The last couple of months it hasn't felt like that at all. Then with the neck injury that seems to just linger on forever. It still hurts. Not horribly but there. Part of this is the fibr0myalgia. Once I get inflammation in my muscles, it takes forever to get rid of it. I wake up feeling fine but by the end of the day often I'm hurting pretty good. Then it takes ibu*profen and muscle relaxers to get to sleep. The physical therapy has helped but my last appointment is on Thursday. Also when I was off work I gained a bit of weight. Only like 7 pounds but on my body that is already extra fluffy not so great a thing. Plus it seems that when my weight went up, so did my blood pressure. My blood pressure had been fantastic for quite a while. Then all of the sudden it was sucking big time. So I'm trying (and not always succeeding) to eat a little better. Breakfast sort of kills me as I crave bread and cereal like crazy for breakfast. So I'm hoping in the next month or so I can drop about 10 pounds and get the inflammation in my neck calmed down so that I'm feeling better. Also to get all the labs done. Plus I'm also trying to save for a couple of trips. I want to take a trip to Minn*es0ta in September to see my sis and niece. Then sometime before Christmas BFF has a work trip to New York and I'm planning on meeting her there to spend a weekend goofing around. I've never been to New York and am totally excited for this trip. Then I suppose if next months IUI is unsuccessful gearing back up for another round of IVF. So I guess with all that maybe I should be picking up some overtime.
My job has been pimping me out to other hospitals again this week. I actually had an ok night last night though. Busy but not really over whelming and the staff were helpful. Plus I have to figure out when to move out of this apartment and where I'm going next. My recruiter mentioned San J0se so Tracey I may be in town for a bit.
It's been hotter than crap here lately which hasn't been much fun but oh well. I'm hoping it cools down this weekend though. Hope everyone is having a good week.

Home Again Home Again

I forget the rest of that nursery rhyme. Oh well.
I had a fantastic weekend. I decided on Thursday afternoon that I didn't want to sit around all weekend and I didn't want to work (even though I probably should have) so I called my BFF in Seattle to see what she was doing for the weekend. I ended up buying a ticket and taking off Friday morning for Seattle. I had a fun weekend of doing not a whole lot of anything important and doing some catching up with her. It was great to get away and even though it was sort of cloudy and dreary it was still nice to be in Seattle. Then this morning I was up early and on my way back to Sac. My cats of course wouldn't speak to me for a couple of hours and now they won't leave me alone. Goofy things.
I'm trying to fix the fact that last month I procrastinated horribly today and it still isn't working well. I had some labs Dr wanted me to get done and I wanted them to be ordered by my doctor at home in hopes that my insurance might actually cover them that way since I'm sure they will be expensive. However I procrastinated in calling my doctors office to see if he would order them until last week. Then he was off the next day and then his MA called about where I wanted them faxed but she was leaving and I haven't been able to get ahold of her since in spite of leaving her several messages along with a fax number. I still don't have my lab req. I called again today and spoke to someone asking them to e-mail it to me but it was late in the afternoon. I still haven't gotten it and will have to call back tomorrow and see what happened or have them do something different. The crappy part is that I waited long enough and AF showed up on Friday on my way to the airport and I missed CD 3 for those labs. I still will do the rest but since I procrastinated so much I don't know if I will be able to cycle this month. Part of me would like to wait as tomorrow is CD 5 and I haven't called Dr's office yet and my neck is still sort of bugging me and I'm still taking ibuprofen for it. I'll see if I can get the lab orders tomorrow and call the doctors office tomorrow. I am guessing I will be waiting until next month. I guess that gives me time to pay off bills right??

Going Bye Bye

Ok so to those of you who are interested in the book exchange and I've e-mailed you once and then the week from hell at work happened so I didn't do a follow up e-mail. Well now I'm going out of town for the weekend. So I promise I will get back on all of this next week. I haven't forgotten all of you.

Thank God It's My Friday

Thanks everyone for your input on my last post. I do appreciate it all. I will say though that I wasn't really so much lonely as bothered by the low self esteem thing. Not to say that I haven't had my lonely days and I'm sure I will have them again but it's more. The me I want to be has parties and lots of people over and doesn't blame herself when a friendship breaks up. The real me is so afraid of putting myself out there that she just thinks of having parties. I worry that the real me's self esteem issues will carry over to my children and I don't want that. I know all the positive thinking stuff and yes it can help but for me hasn't cured it. And it affects virtually every area of my life.
I'm so tired of work right now. I worked 6 of the last 7 days and I think my body decided it was done. The day before yesterday I couldn't fall asleep and definitely didn't get enough sleep. Yesterday I did fall asleep earlier but near as I can figure my body decided it was done regardless because as near as I can tell I slept through my alarm. I haven't overslept in like 7 years!!! I woke up, moved my sleep mask and realized it was darker than it should be. Rolled over, looked at the clock and saw it was 7:32 pm. I was supposed to be to work at 7 pm. Shit. Of course there were messages on my phone from work. I called them and said I would be there soon. It all worked out fine but oh my, what a beginning to my night. Now I have a couple of days off and plan to find something relaxing to do.

The Me I Want To Be

The other night I sat at work in a few slow moments paging through a catalog I had received in the mail. It had tons of different halloween decorations that were so cute. There was a set of cups/goblet things that were the greatest and I was thinking how cool it would be to get those and have a halloween party. Then I remembered that in all likelyhood if I bought them, they would sit in my cupboards for my someday life. The life I wish I lived but don’t. The life where I have parties and I have friends who would come to them. Which isn’t to say I don’t have friends but I guess I speak of IRL friends. And I have those too but it seems like not nearly enough for a party unless it was a party of 3 or 4. This bugs me too, especially since I’m unsure of exactly how I got here. I’ve tried planning parties a few times to the tune of mass failure. I think there were 2 or 3 where absolutely no one showed up. No one called, no one showed up of numerous people who said yes they would be there. At the time this was devastating. Then there are the friendships that have just fallen apart or whatever it is that happens. I know some have become distant because we have honestly grown apart, found different directions. For instance a very close friend whom I was friends with for many years who then became very religious. It felt like we had nothing to talk about and nothing in common, even like she was judging me or trying to change me into something that would fit better in her world. I do know that I feel bad sometimes that things aren’t what they used to be.
I feel like I left her behind and I know how much it hurts thinking about all the friends I’ve had in the past and some more recently where I was the one who felt left behind. And I make myself a little crazy wondering what happened. Wondering what I did wrong. Because it always seems like it had to have been something that I did. I do realize that possibly this feeling is related to severely low self esteem, assuming that the friendship ended because of something I did. However there seems to be enough instances where friendships ended abruptly without a visible reason such as a fight, disagreement or something that was the catalyst for an end. Which then because of my low self esteem leaves me feeling as if there is something about me this is unlikeable and or that people don’t really like me and would rather not be around me. This fear then leads to me not reaching out to people and trying to plan things but instead waiting for someone to invite me which seems to become more and more rare with the exception of a few people whom I feel confident enough to pick up the phone and call or go visit. Forget planning a party and inviting people over. The rare occasion where I do try to reach out and don’t get a response of some sort seems only to fuel the fear that I am unlikeable. I’ve been told before to just start reaching out but it just seems so far beyond my reach to get past all the shit in my head first. Which then makes me sad so I try to just not think about it. Not think about how I would love to have a group of women friends who got together on a semi regular basis for a potluck or drinks and an evening of girl talk or something. But then maybe that only exists in the books I’ve read. It also makes me worry that I’ll suck as a parent. Is it possible to teach a child self esteem when I have almost none? Is it possible to have a child become an adult who is confident and sure of themselves when I have so rarely felt sure of myself. Yet I want so badly to be a parent. Not to fix myself, or to live my life differently through my child but to experience the love as a parent and to see the world through the eyes of a child.

Show And Tell

So since I have done nothing fun and or interesting or exciting lately and I figured I wouldn't bore you all with pictures of my new vacuum, I decided to share some older pics of all my furbabies that always make me smile.
This one is of Luna when she was pretty little, she fell asleep on my slipper. The pic was a little blurry but still so cute.


This one is Luna when she was about 3 weeks old. Still funny looking but oh so cute too.

This one is Sara sitting in the dog dish. I found her here and she just didn't seem to know what to do with all that space. Lucky Sadie didn't come along and think she was a Sadie snack.

Here is my beautiful Sadie. This one was taken last time I was home in May. I'm missing her a lot more since last week.

This is an old picture of Sadie on the couch and it cracked me up at how she was laying there like she had just collapsed.

Weird

My computer is being really weird. It at this moment will not open my blog page from my favorites list but it's allowing me to type out this post so we'll see what happens. I tried at one point to hit the back button and it started trying to open up new pages and did so over and over again. I had 30 open internet explorers before I could get it to stop. Very strange. I can't seem to open any other blogs (at least blogspot I haven't tried word press yet) right now either. I hope this goes away.
I actually had a good night at work last night thank goodness. I'm hoping for another one tonight. That would be nice. We'll see what happens.
I will in the next couple of days get an e-mail sent off to all of you who said you would be interested in a book exchange and we'll see if we can plan this and get it going. Anyone else interested feel free to join in too.

Indecision

I feel so strange and undecided right now, almost adrift. I don't know what I want to do next. Or I do know but I don't at the same time. I'm ok with taking another travel assignment as the way I have it figured I will just make it a condition of my contract to have Thanksgiving off. Then the contract will end around mid December or so which will also give me Christmas off. I'm ok with this. However I'm feeling a bit over whelmed at the idea of packing up my things yet again and moving them to another temporary location. And coming up with and paying all the deposits and moving costs. It was never much of a problem for my first contract since I stayed in Fresn0 for 9 months or 3 contracts. Since I left there I have moved every 3 months. And now that I have my craft stuff etc here it's even more to move. I do like having my stuff to do though. It's getting expensive and that cuts into the extra money I make that is to go towards IF treatments. I would love to be able to just stay here in Sac if I had a job I liked but I absolutely will not stay at this job. I think also another aspect of this here is my compulsive need to plan out every step for both my professional life and my little science project (TTC). It just doesn't work and I'm having a hard time with that. Then the indecision of what type of nursing I want to do. What I'm doing now (med/surg) works now but it really isn't what I want to do long term. As a matter of fact I'm getting kind of tired of it. I would love to work as an RN in an infertility clinic. However working in clinics tends to not pay as well as working in a hospital would which is a down side too.
Of course there is also the issue of I don't know where I want to live, long term. Part of me really wants to stay in California. I like it here. Some places better than others but I like it here. However I miss my chosen family at home. And I know that if I have a child I want them involved in my child's life which in some ways seems like it's an easy choice to go home. However the flip side of that is that the pay in Spokane sucks. Really sucks. Like anywhere from 5-15 dollars an hour less than I would make here. And right now the cost of buying a house is similar here in Sac and Fresn0 to what it is at home. Plus there right now are no jobs that I really want to do in Spokane. So I feel undecided about all that. And for the moment I'm trying to just not think about it all and leave it for later. This works for a while, sort of.
In the meantime I think of other things. I went and bought a vacuum today. I bought a dys0n which I'm very much looking forward to using. I hated to spend the money but I had a cheep vacuum in Fresn0 and it wouldn't suck up cat liter so when I left, I left it there. Then in SB I didn't have one at all and the landlord of my apartment it appears kept the entire deposit ($500) because of me not vacuuming the carpet. The irony of that is not lost on me that I lost $500 dollars when I just spent close to that on a vacuum. I did get it at a discount though since I had a 20% off coupon. So at least I can leave these carpets well vacuumed.
I also have a bunch of books I've bought and read that I'm trying to figure out what to do with. I have given some of my books to Bleu before and no Bleu I don't mind giving them to you again. However I was thinking of something although I don't know if anyone will be interested. I would like to make an offer to all of you ladies on bedrest that if you are interested in any of the books I have I would be willing to send it to you, you can have it and then share somewhere else or keep. If anyone is interested e-mail me or leave comments and I will let you know what books I have. They are mostly all pretty current books, some hard backs. Another possible idea would be if we could create some sort of an online book exchange. If anyone is interested in that idea maybe let me know too and I'll see what I can set up.

Home

Well I just got back from Fresn0. I didn't get the job. And I'm feeling strangely more disappointed than I thought I would. Even though I knew I might not get the NICU job there was a possibility mentioned of a different position and I felt sure that I would get something. I had thought about how I could find a house to rent since I would be staying in one place longer and how I could go home and get my dog.
I know there will be other jobs. Right now focus is back on another travel assignment. I'm going to take the holidays off. Then go from there.

Back To Work

Yes, I finally got released to go back to work. I feel so much better since I started the physical therapy and my appointment yesterday gave me a release to return to full duties. They do want to see me back Next Thursday for a recheck but I think my neck is all better now. I wasn't scheduled last night and even though I should have went in I didn't. I went to a movie instead. I think this is the first time in close to 2 years I have been to a movie in the theatre. Sad but it's so much easier to just wait for it to come out on Net*flix. I went to see The Da*rk Ni*ght and it was pretty good. This is coming from someone who isn't a superhero and or batman fan. I've only seen one of the other batman movies (the one with Geo*rge Clo*oney) and of all the other superhero movies I've watched (usually only when it wasn't a choice) the only one I really cared for was spiderman. So I did enjoy the movie last night. And the jo*ker character was a creepy one. Strange to think he is gone now. I did prepare for the movie by not drinking anything for about 4 hours prior to the movie so I wouldn't have to get up in the middle and go pee. It was over 2.5 hours long. And wow are movies expensive. I paid $10 for admission and a small soda (which was 32 ounces which used to be the large) and small popcorn was another $10. Oh well.
I don't know if I will post anything before my interview on Monday but I will post for sure after. I should know on Monday whether I got the job or not. I also checked with a staffing person who is with the same agency I'm with right now and she basically said she had never heard of an offer that good. So, we'll see.

My Own Crazy Faith

So I’ve been sitting here thinking about the job in Fresn0 quite a bit. Thinking about how I look on paper (which seems like maybe not so good) and yet knowing what I have to offer. I know that in applying for an NICU position they are going to go back and look at my past NICU experience. I don’t know how much I can gloss over the fact that I sort of panicked a bit and quit my previous job because of being afraid of caring for the sickest babies. Yes another reason was I wanted to try traveling so I could pay off bills etc but it was also a panic thing and if they ask any of my co-workers from that job that is the answer they will get. All I can say is that I would like to try again. I would like to be an NICU nurse even though I’m so scared of someday being a mom to an NICU patient. All of this leaves me very up in the air as far as the interview goes. Part of me really wants the job and I will be excited if I get it. It would be nice to stop and settle into a space for a while without having to move every 3 months. To be able to get caught up and get ahead a bit. Part of me isn’t sure that this is the best choice even though the money is great and I will be able to do another IVF and pay off bills. I find myself simply thinking that if it’s meant to be, it will be. If the best choice is to quit traveling and settle in one spot for a while, I will get the job in Fresno or a similar job that will offer the sign-on bonus that makes it doable to take a staff position and continue TTC. If I don’t get the job then I will take that to mean that continuing to travel is the best choice. I’ve also realized that this is sort of a weird stance for someone who isn’t even sure if she believes in God. I go back to my post in December of last year where I was trying so hard to believe not only that God exists but that God might actually bother to listen to me and my prayers begging to allow me to become pregnant and have a child. After the IVF went to hell I sort of went back to being unsure about the whole God/faith thing. But yet I will rely on something other than myself to make the decision as to whether or not I will continue travel nursing with it’s good points and bad or if I will settle down somewhere for a bit and see what happens next in my life. And yes this does seem weird to me. It’s also frustrating that I seem to doubt myself every time a big decision comes my way and then feel I need to rely on someone or thing other than myself to help decide.

Another Excuse To Shop?

So I have the job interview in Fresn0 coming up next week. I realized the other day that I have NOTHING to wear to the interview. I did not bring any dress, skirt, nice pair of pants that aren't denim or anything along those lines with me to California. I know I could possibly get away with wearing my scrubs but all of my scrub shirts have some sort of various cutsie print which while I love them for work isn't really the image I want to portray for an interview. So today I went shopping. And this isn't really the fun type of shopping either. This is shopping for an outfit I may never wear again or that I will wear only to other job interviews. Lets face it, I don't exactly have a hopping social life that would require/allow me to wear something that would qualify as business attire. I did however find an outfit that I really liked and it wasn't too expensive so I have something to wear for my interview and any other interviews I may have in my future. Now I just need some shoes. I think I'll hit Pay*less and go for cheap since I will only be wearing the shoes maybe once or twice. As far as the job interview? It's next Monday. I'm driving down to Fresn0 on Sunday and will probably go have dinner with a friend there and maybe swim in her pool. I'm still sort of nervous about the job interview or the job maybe. I'm ok with Fresn0. I lived there for 9 months and liked it except for the heat. The heat admittedly does suck. I'm also nervous about the position. It's NICU. I left NICU a little over a year ago. Part of the reason why I left was because the idea of doing vents etc sort of really freaked me out. This was largely due to the fact that I doubted myself a lot. I felt like I didn't know enough to take care of the sickest babies, like I would do something wrong and the baby would die. I was scared of having parents asking me lots of questions and that I wouldn't be able to answer them. I also was really broke and wanted to do travel nursing for a while and couldn't do it as NICU with my short term experience. I don't regret doing the travel thing but looking back I know that I understood and knew a lot more than I gave myself credit for and that honestly I was never "alone" in that I always had co-workers who could answer my questions. I've told myself for a while now that some day I wanted to go back and give NICU a try again. I just hadn't figured it would be so soon. I had sort of figured on this happening after I had children. But yet I feel like I do want to try again. It just scares me too. I'm afraid of not being good enough. Then again I suppose this has been my fear my entire life so maybe I just need to plunge ahead and just do it without thinking about it much which gives me time to get scared. I know that I could likely go to other hospitals and get staff positions in different areas and skip the whole NICU thing right now but the thing about Fresn0 is the sign on bonus. I've been looking around and haven't found anything else that's similar to this in the state of California. The sign on bonus could finance another cycle or more depending on what I do. The money there is good and it's one year. I've already spent almost that much time there and liked it. I would have to come back up here for doc visits as I refuse to go back to the asshole there. I could/would do that though if I had to. So next week I'll interview and see what happens and go from there.
Another thing of interest happened today also. The doctors office called me to let me know what they had found out from my insurance about infertility treatments. I have $2000 lifetime benefit for IUI or IVF and $1500 lifetime benefit for meds. Not a huge amount but more than I had on my last coverage. This leaves me wondering how fast I could scrape up the remaining amount for an IVF and do it at the end of the contract here. I don't know if it's possible or not but it's a thought.
I'm hoping to be able to go back to work this week. I really want to go back to work even if I don't really want to go back to this particular job. The physical therapy seems to be working wonders for me and my neck has gotten so much better in the last few days. So hopefully they will release me to full duties when I go back to the doctor on Thursday.
Last thought/question. I had attempted to search out my blog before with various search engines using my name etc and never had any luck. So I felt fairly secure in using my own name and where I'm from. I tried again Saturday (after talking to Mel about others finding your blog) and I found it. Quite quickly. Now looking at this from the point of view of the things I've said about others would I say it to their face. I would like to think that yes I would. Whether we're talking about HS, my mom, or much of anyone else. However it would be really uncomfortable if several of the people such as HS, mom, sister, cousin were to find this blog. I've taken my name off the profile but it's still coming up on a search engine. I have no reason at this time to think that someone has found my blog but still. I'm considering moving it to a different address just for security sake. Not password protected but just move it. Anyone have any thoughts on that??

Show And Tell

So at the risk of boring everyone to death with pictures of my girlies here are a couple more. Just because the crack me up so much. While I sit here at my desk Luna is sitting basically on my chest and if I'm not paying enough attention to her she gets up and starts rubbing up against my keyboard. She has now managed to change my screen so everything is bigger. I can't figure out how she is doing this. I know how to change it back but I can't figure out how she changes it in the first place.
So now here's my pictures for this week. My cats both have heart problems that requires medication. After having tried liquids to mix in with food (neither of them will even eat wet cat food any more), and having the medication formulated to have a good "flavor" I've determined that it's much easier to take the pill and simply shove it down their throats. However they know when I'm getting ready for this. They hear the pill cutter and both go hide. So the night before last I had cut the pill and they both took off. I finally found Luna in the bathroom, hiding behind the shower curtain. I'm sure she was thinking she was safe there and that I'd never find her. I thought it was so funny I had to take a picture. You can see her feet under the shower curtain in this picture below.

This picture is of Sara and Luna on the balcony. I let them outside sometimes on the balcony and there are a couple of other cats who live down below my apartment. They all sit there and stare at each other. This is my cats looking down at the other cats.