Wednesday, July 23, 2008
My Own Crazy Faith
So I’ve been sitting here thinking about the job in Fresn0 quite a bit. Thinking about how I look on paper (which seems like maybe not so good) and yet knowing what I have to offer. I know that in applying for an NICU position they are going to go back and look at my past NICU experience. I don’t know how much I can gloss over the fact that I sort of panicked a bit and quit my previous job because of being afraid of caring for the sickest babies. Yes another reason was I wanted to try traveling so I could pay off bills etc but it was also a panic thing and if they ask any of my co-workers from that job that is the answer they will get. All I can say is that I would like to try again. I would like to be an NICU nurse even though I’m so scared of someday being a mom to an NICU patient. All of this leaves me very up in the air as far as the interview goes. Part of me really wants the job and I will be excited if I get it. It would be nice to stop and settle into a space for a while without having to move every 3 months. To be able to get caught up and get ahead a bit. Part of me isn’t sure that this is the best choice even though the money is great and I will be able to do another IVF and pay off bills. I find myself simply thinking that if it’s meant to be, it will be. If the best choice is to quit traveling and settle in one spot for a while, I will get the job in Fresno or a similar job that will offer the sign-on bonus that makes it doable to take a staff position and continue TTC. If I don’t get the job then I will take that to mean that continuing to travel is the best choice. I’ve also realized that this is sort of a weird stance for someone who isn’t even sure if she believes in God. I go back to my post in December of last year where I was trying so hard to believe not only that God exists but that God might actually bother to listen to me and my prayers begging to allow me to become pregnant and have a child. After the IVF went to hell I sort of went back to being unsure about the whole God/faith thing. But yet I will rely on something other than myself to make the decision as to whether or not I will continue travel nursing with it’s good points and bad or if I will settle down somewhere for a bit and see what happens next in my life. And yes this does seem weird to me. It’s also frustrating that I seem to doubt myself every time a big decision comes my way and then feel I need to rely on someone or thing other than myself to help decide.
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9 comments:
I hope that the interview goes well. Take this time to formulate an honest answer of what happened with your previous assignment in the NICU and why you are feeling different about it now. Honesty is usually the best thing and I know that when I was conducting interviews, the people that came across as really meaning what they were saying and not just being charming stuck out as better candidates. Typically they turned out to be the better choices in the end also for the position.
Good Luck!
I think there can be cosmic energy and fate without a spiritual base necessarily. There can be an energetic base as well. I think that no matter what our spiritual.religious beliefs that some things , at least to me, seem certain. We are living beings of energy and I think that energy can have patterns and combine and separate from other energy in different ways so I believe that trusting the universe can be great regardless of religious belief.
Is that random gibberish enough?? LMAO
I often let my indecision make my decisions--I see nothing wrong with it! As long as you are ok with things going either way, it is sometimes nice to just let the chips fall as they may.
Good luck with whatever happens
Oh you brought up so many good points to comment on. Yes - NICU would scare the hell out of me because I would constantly picture myself in that situation. That said - you seem like such a nice & caring person - I would be honored to have someone like you take care of my little girl Spot if she needed it someday :-) On the whole God thing - darn that's always such a freakin hard subject. Even with 12 years of catholic school under my belt - I have doubted God so much in the last three years after we started all this infertility stuff. And even now I have trouble putting my faith that things will go alright with our current situation in the hands of someone or something that I have doubted so much in the past. I feel like God exists - but I have a little more trouble now having some faith. If that makes any darn sense at all. So yes - I think you hit the nail on the head - I'm just sorry that you have to ride this rocky road as well. ((hugs))
I think it's only natural to question faith, especially in this world of let-downs. If you believe that Jesus Christ died on the cross for your sins then you are saved. It's hard to understand why things happen the way they do, at the time we may not understand why, but once you are able to look back, you might understand why a situation happened as it did. I'm sorry you are struggling with this. All I can say is keep praying and praising Him. Sometimes that's a lot easier said than done. I struggle with my own faith as well, but all in all, I am glad I have God to lean on, especially during the hard times.
I hope that you get an awesome job, which is stable, allows you to continue with ivf,feel good about yourself from a professional point of view, and is not stressful 'cause stress is one of the main negative factors. I'll pray that you get the job contains all these options, be it in Fresn0 or anywhere else. How about that?:-)
... Forgot to add; and I also hope that you'll move for a short time to a state with mandatory ivf coverage, and that you would become an ivf nurse. Because from my point of view, you'd be The Best !!!sorry if I'm being a distraction:-)
I agree with Bleu, but in my own not quite as eloquent way. Just because God isn't guiding your path doesn't mean that there is no path. I think what you are doing is brave and I want to hug your kitties. I'm not so good with hugging people but kitties are wonderful.
I think believing in God and/or fate does not necessarily mean you believe that God will answer your prayers. I know that for me, i do believe in God *and* fate, and i pray, but yet...not all of my prayers were answered, and they were not trivial ones either.
In any case i hope the interview goes very well!
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