The Me I Want To Be

The other night I sat at work in a few slow moments paging through a catalog I had received in the mail. It had tons of different halloween decorations that were so cute. There was a set of cups/goblet things that were the greatest and I was thinking how cool it would be to get those and have a halloween party. Then I remembered that in all likelyhood if I bought them, they would sit in my cupboards for my someday life. The life I wish I lived but don’t. The life where I have parties and I have friends who would come to them. Which isn’t to say I don’t have friends but I guess I speak of IRL friends. And I have those too but it seems like not nearly enough for a party unless it was a party of 3 or 4. This bugs me too, especially since I’m unsure of exactly how I got here. I’ve tried planning parties a few times to the tune of mass failure. I think there were 2 or 3 where absolutely no one showed up. No one called, no one showed up of numerous people who said yes they would be there. At the time this was devastating. Then there are the friendships that have just fallen apart or whatever it is that happens. I know some have become distant because we have honestly grown apart, found different directions. For instance a very close friend whom I was friends with for many years who then became very religious. It felt like we had nothing to talk about and nothing in common, even like she was judging me or trying to change me into something that would fit better in her world. I do know that I feel bad sometimes that things aren’t what they used to be.
I feel like I left her behind and I know how much it hurts thinking about all the friends I’ve had in the past and some more recently where I was the one who felt left behind. And I make myself a little crazy wondering what happened. Wondering what I did wrong. Because it always seems like it had to have been something that I did. I do realize that possibly this feeling is related to severely low self esteem, assuming that the friendship ended because of something I did. However there seems to be enough instances where friendships ended abruptly without a visible reason such as a fight, disagreement or something that was the catalyst for an end. Which then because of my low self esteem leaves me feeling as if there is something about me this is unlikeable and or that people don’t really like me and would rather not be around me. This fear then leads to me not reaching out to people and trying to plan things but instead waiting for someone to invite me which seems to become more and more rare with the exception of a few people whom I feel confident enough to pick up the phone and call or go visit. Forget planning a party and inviting people over. The rare occasion where I do try to reach out and don’t get a response of some sort seems only to fuel the fear that I am unlikeable. I’ve been told before to just start reaching out but it just seems so far beyond my reach to get past all the shit in my head first. Which then makes me sad so I try to just not think about it. Not think about how I would love to have a group of women friends who got together on a semi regular basis for a potluck or drinks and an evening of girl talk or something. But then maybe that only exists in the books I’ve read. It also makes me worry that I’ll suck as a parent. Is it possible to teach a child self esteem when I have almost none? Is it possible to have a child become an adult who is confident and sure of themselves when I have so rarely felt sure of myself. Yet I want so badly to be a parent. Not to fix myself, or to live my life differently through my child but to experience the love as a parent and to see the world through the eyes of a child.