Annoying

So there are times when I realize that all my baby making talk and infertility conversations may become annoying or boring to those around me. I am aware of this and do try to tame it down unless it's people I really know well. It's hard for me sometimes but I do try. Last night I worked with another nurse who made me wonder if I was that freaking annoying all the time. She drove me fucking crazy. First off she comes in (in full makeup already) and proceeds to spend the first half hour of her shift applying more make up. By the time she finished she resembled a dark haired version of Tam*my Fa*ye Ba*ker complete with tons of mascara. Hell the eyelashes looked fake when she came in and she added more mascara. So then she proceeds to spend the rest of the night talking about how she needs to get skinny, how she plans to lose 40 pounds in 2 weeks using some gimmick diet or another plus some diet pills of some sort that she complained make her sick all night long. It was all I could do to not say something along the lines of "or maybe you could try eating healthy and exercise." I know. I'm fat myself. And I know what I need to do to remedy that. The fact that I don't really do it or at least not consistently has nothing to do with what I know and I know that the answer does not lie in some fad diet or another. Then she gets a call from her sister and spends like an hour on the phone talking to her sister about her boy friend whose talking marriage after a couple of months, the guy she was doing at home, her plans to get skinny and how she can't wait to marry rich so she can quit working, while I sit there caring for babies and listening to alarms ring that she completely ignores. Then she tries to tell me how to hold the syringe to draw blood. Stupid I know but that was the straw that broke the camels back. I'm guessing I have a lot more experience drawing blood since I did it exclusively for 5 years, 3 of which were in the hospital and included babies. And yes I'm aware that I'm hormonal, a wee bit bitchy and all that but seriously. This girl was so much more concerned about herself than her care of the infants we were caring for. How do people like this end up as nurses. Seriously how do you get there? I hope I never have to work with this chick again or I may have to find a place to hide the body.

Monday Again

So I ended up not working last night. I was ok with that. I was tired and wanted another night. So I got a bit more housework done. I actually vacuumed my apartment. Dishes are done and so is the laundry. For another week anyways. Then I slept all night. After having slept all day. That felt good. I've had to have my heat on the last two nights as it gets way too cold in my apartment without it. Funny thing is that I have a fireplace and I was thinking last night how cool it would be to use it. However I can't decide if it's worth cleaning it out after I use it. Also I have to admit that I have absolutely no idea how to start a fire in the fire place. I worry that in my ignorance I just might burn the place down. Maybe I should skip the fire place.
I also got my plane ticket to go home for Thanksgiving!!! I am so excited!! I can't wait. For turkey and fun and chosen family.
Now maybe I should go catch a nap before I get the call for work tonight.

I Survived

My 56 hour week. I'm pretty much wiped out but I did it. How do people do this on a regular basis? Holy shit I'm tired. And sore. So tonight (Saturday) is my night off and then I'm back to being available for Sun, Mon and Tues. Tonight I have sat on my hiney and watched all the shows I've DVR'd for the week. My apartment is a pit but I don't have the energy to do much with it. I've cleaned the kitchen a bit and done some laundry and run the dishwasher and that's about it. Not much else is going to get done unless I don't work tomorrow night.
The weather here is definitely getting cooler and I'm sort of amused by this. First off at the beginning of the week I was still using my AC a bit during the day so I could sleep. Now I'm about ready to turn my heat on!! Which brought me to the conclusion (which I have suspected for a while) that I have pretty much acclimated to California weather. When I came to Ca. a few years ago I remember thinking it was ungodly hot and miserable. Now I find that unless I'm in the direct sun (which I try to avoid with my fair skin) I don't usually mind the heat that much. This morning coming home from work I kept thinking "damn it's cold" and it was only like 50 degrees. I think it's colder than that at home.
I've got my baseline scan for my IVF on Wednesday of this week. And for some reason I'm anxious about this. Maybe because I'm a bit of a freak. For some reason I keep having these reoccurring thoughts along the lines of "what if they see something that prevents me not only from going forward with my IVF now but ever?" Yup, see a freak. I don't know why but that's the kind of thing that goes through my mind. I try my best to just ignore it all. In the meantime I'm noticing a bit of the bitchiness that goes along with the bcps. Fun stuff. I've also noticed that I'm starting to itch again just a little bit. Even better. Hopefully it's just dry skin and I don't end up with a rash again. I've gotten a few offers for donated meds which are greatly appreciated. Thanks so much to those who have offered. I'm still not totally sure how much I still need but will post again when I know more. Thank you again everyone!!
I think this week I will just sit back and watch everyone elses show and tell since I don't have much to show. Except pictures of my cats or more of the (baby related) Daisy Kingdom stuff I've found.

So Tired

I am so tired. I've worked 4 nights so far this week and could possibly (and probably will) end up working tonight too. That will leave me 56 hours for the week if I work tonight too. I really dislike working that many hours but for now I have to and I'm trying so hard to tell myself to quit wishing to be cancelled. I did have a great moment at work last night though that I had to share. I was doing my stuff and giving out meds and a family member of a patient stopped to talk to me and ask some questions about a few things. I answered her questions and then she mentioned that she wouldn't be able to stay long as she needed to get home. She has a new baby after trying for 16 years. Of course that just about made me teary to hear that and I told her how happy I was for her and that I had been trying for 2 years. So we sat and talked for several minutes about treatments, doctors etc. She was so nice and for me it's always nice to hear about the happy endings. Yes I am aware they don't occur for everyone but I still love to hear about them.
Now if I don't get myself to bed it's going to be an incredibly long night tonight.

Uncomfortable

Ok so here's where I do something that I am not very comfortable doing but thought I would put this out there at least and see what happens. I was very fortunate to receive left over medications from Bleu to go towards my upcoming IVF cycle. I'm still a bit short on what I will need for the cycle but until I get final word from my clinic as to what I need I'm not sure how much short. I am guessing I will need some additional men0pur (maybe 10 vials) and either some f0llistim or g0nal f although I'm not sure how much yet of that. So I thought I would put this out there to see if any one did have any left over amounts or whatever that they would like to get out of their fridge or off their kitchen/bathroom counter. Feel free to leave me a comment or to send me an e-mail. My e-mail is available in the about me link on the side bar.

Just Another Day

So I actually worked 2 nights in a row. Of those though one night was only an 8 hour shift. It was sort of nice to get to miss morning traffic and go home at 4:30 in the morning though. I've also worked NICU the last 2 nights. Now I remember why I quit doing that. Probably a good thing I didn't get that job in Fresn0 even though I really thought I wanted it. I don't love NICU. I can do it once in a while but I don't really want to do it all the time. They've only given me the easy infants to care for but still not my thing.
Also yesterday was finally CD1 complete with horrible cramps. My cycle seem to be getting longer for some reason. I don't know if it's just because of the stress in my life lately or what but my cycle that used to be like 28 days has been 30 for at least the last 2 months. Tomorrow I start my bcps which I will take until sometime around the end of the month. Around the end of October I will start my Lupr0n. I've never done that before so this should be an interesting change.
Not much else going on for me. Just work and sleep.

Show And Tell

This week for show and tell I'm going to show some of my favorite ebay finds. Even though lately I'm making myself stay away from ebay. Anyways, a couple of months ago I had mentioned that back in the spring I had started finding some stuff on ebay that I had loved from a store in Portland. The store was called Daisy Kingdom and they closed a few years back. For a while before they closed they had started selling the patterns and fabric in wally's world and many other places other than just in Portland. Years ago though when I lived in Portland I had gotten some great stuff at warehouse sales. I used to get the fabric iron ons and the decorate sweatshirts with puff paints and sell them. I got several very fancy dresses for my little sister when she was really young. And I had gotten some Christmas stuff. I had one year found christmas stockings and a tree skirt that a friend of mine put together for me. Several years later when I was still working so hard to please my mom and trying to be the good Jeh0vahs witn*ess I gave the tree skirt away to another friend and I believe the stocking went to my friend who put it together for me. Now since I've failed miserably at the whole good J*W a couple years ago I started trying to replace my stuff from e-bay. I found the stockings first, then some placemats and a wall hanging panel. I still have to put them all together so I guess maybe that is my project for the winter. I'm also still looking for the tree skirt which I've never been able to find but maybe someday. So here are some pictures of the Christmas stuff I've gotten so far. I've also gotten some baby crib quilt panels that are fantastic but just so you don't all think I'm a crazy infertile (who keeps buying baby stuff) I'll wait a while to post all those.
So, here is the wall hanging panel. The bunny is named Nina Noel and I just love this stuff.
This is the panels for the 2 stockings. I can actually make just one using both panels for one or make 2. I will probably make 2.

Here's a close up of the pictures on the stockings.

Here's the placemats. I have a bunch of these, way more than I need placemats so I may try to make pillows or something with them.

So if anyone else wants to play along with show and tell this week you can go to Mel's blog and join in the fun.

Thank You

Thanks to everyone who contributed kind words or some gentle advice. It is all greatly appreciated. I feel better about my decision now to move ahead with my cycle in November. No the timing may not be perfect but how many people are able to have a baby or try to have a baby at the perfect time. If I didn't do the IVF in November and waited until March and then it didn't work in March I would also feel bad and wonder if it would have worked in November. So. Here I go. AF should be here any day and then start the awful bcp's. But 3 weeks or so of them isn't too bad. A contribution from Bleu of left over meds will help it all along a whole bunch. Thank you soooo much. In the meantime I'll just keep working on the eating plan which goes great some days and not so great other days. A work in progress I guess. Thanks again everyone. I have no idea what I would do without you all.

Stress And Second Thoughts

This one is a little long and even typing it or slowing down and making myself voice all of this makes me cry. All stuff that's been bouncing around my head for days and contributing to the insomnia that started a few weeks ago. However the voicing it while potentially healing is also oh so scary.
So the last few days have been stressful. As usual with many things going on in my head. The work thing so far isn't working out like I had planned or hoped. My recruiter keeps telling me not to worry yet that it will all still be ok but I'm still stressed. Sunday night I worked and it was a bit of a nightmare. The one hospital I work at usually has me work just general med surg which I'm fine with. The last couple of times I've worked there though they have put me in a unit that is basically a step down (just below ICU) unit. I was given patients that were 3 and 4 days post op open heart surgery. I had told them I wasn't ACLS or telemetry certified (usually required for these units) and they told me they didn't care. I felt out of my element but the charge nurse was helpful and it was all ok at least on the shifts I worked. So Sunday night I go to work, back to the step down unit and the charge nurse who is there has a fit that I'm not tele or ACLS certified and basically tells me don't plan on staying. His right, I don't blame him as I never thought I should have been floated there in the first place. However it left me feeling uncomfortable anyways. It's a big long story but the short version is that I ended up working as break relief all night which meant I hardly sat down all night while I did everyone elses little tasks so they could sit and do their charting. I could barely move by the time I got home. Also the hospital trying to say that with me not being ACLS certified it's difficult for them to find me med/surg shifts (which wasn't a problem when I was a traveler). They have called me off the last 2 nights. I don't know if this will continue to happen or what the deal is. I'm now being marketed to them as being primarily post partum with the option of special care nursery thrown in or the occasional med surg shift. I don't really care. I'd rather work post partum than med surg anyways. However it's been stressful to say the least. I'm also not really enjoying the whole idea of not knowing whether I will be working that night until 5-5:30 in the evening when I have to be there by 7.
Then there is the other stuff stressing me out. Like the IVF. Which I want to do so badly I ache. It feels like all I can think about. I worry that with each passing month it's becoming more unlikely that this will work with my own eggs. I worry they are aging faster than I am and that it may not work. This makes me want to do this sooner rather than later. My plan all along had been to be able to pay cash for this since I still haven't paid off my last one. I had planned to start saving back in June but then the neck injury with time off and then the couple of weeks off between contracts and I don't have much saved. So I had planned to work my ass off for part of September and all of October and see what I could do. But I haven't been getting as many hours as I had hoped for or planned for and I don't honestly know if I would be able to work them all if I was getting them as my fibro has been crazy the last week or so. At this point the best I can hope for is to save maybe a third of it by the time I have to pay the money and then I should get $2K back at some point afterwards. I have plenty of credit that it wouldn't be an issue and that I wouldn't have a problem paying my bills but I wouldn't have both IVF's paid off before I had a baby if this works. This basically means that I probably couldn't go back to Washington permanently once the baby is here at least not for a while although I have been torn for a while about whether I want to (yes Bleu I know how you feel about this but I'm still not completely convinced). I couldn't afford living there as I will almost likely never make that good of money at home. Also is the worry that if I end up on bed rest or something I couldn't make my house payment, right now I'm fine but if I wasn't working it would be a different story. I would rather sell my house then lose it via foreclosure. Problem is that the house is on the market and not selling. I did just drop my price but I don't know if it will be enough especially with the current market. Part of that problem is the closing fee/realtor costs I'd have to pay. That's like 17K of my price. I have been getting more money from HS although it's been late every month however after looking at some stuff online this could possibly affect my tax stuff in that I may not be considered to have a home location for tax purposes which could become an issue. I need to look into that more. So my thoughts on my house are that while I love my little house I also feel tied down to it. I was so excited to buy a house and couldn't wait to work on it and do things to make it my own. However when I was at home I couldn't afford to do anything with it. I couldn't afford much in the line of maintenance or updates because my pay sucked there. Now it sort of scares me to have it as it's another payment and it complicates me deciding what I want to do. In all honesty if someone told me that I would never have children I seriously doubt I would move back to Washington. I would go home and visit but I don't think I'd move back there if it was just me. If I had a child I would want them to be around my chosen family more often and I miss my chosen family a lot but I don't miss winter and I like it in California.
So. I'm trying to realistically look at my options right now. And I think I would like some input but I think I'm also scared to ask for it (but I'm asking anyways) since you all will possibly think I'm crazy. Here are the options I can come up with, some reasonable, some maybe not so much.
1. I can just go ahead as planned and figure that some way everything will work out as it always has before in my life.
2. I can hold off on the IVF until at least March to see if I can manage to save enough money to pay cash for this although if I end up moving again with another travel assignment which will likely happen I could lose the 2K of insurance for the IVF and it would cost me a bunch again in moving expenses. This option makes me a little bit crazy as I worry that by March I will be not much closer to affording this and still have older eggs.
3. I could consider doing the IVF but freezing stuff until I'm in a better position financially although this sounds a bit like a crazy idea with a bigger possibility of a negative outcome. What if they don't survive yada yada yada. Last time I only had 3 embryos worth doing anything with I have no idea what this cycle would bring.
4. I wonder about other options for my house. If I rent it out I won't get the amount of my payment and I'd have to pay storage fees for all my stuff. As much as I like and appreciate my friend the realtor I wish I could just sell the house for what I owe and maybe the cost of the windows I put in last year (I do think I could get that out of it). I have no idea how to go about that or if it's possible.
5. Theoretically I suppose we could reason that I could just give up and quit TTC. Mentally and emotionally I'm not there and don't think I could live with this option at this point. Maybe someday but not now.
So, that's where I'm at. And as much as I know it's maybe not the best idea I want so badly to go with option 1. I want this so bad I feel like I can't even function without thinking of my next move. That everything I do is for this. So as much as it scares me a bit to ask I guess I'm asking for some gentle input. And Jan I suppose I may know what your thinking but I can't just give up.

Show and Tell

So I'm a traveling nurse. I move sometimes fairly frequently. I need to be somewhat portable although I admit to not being very good at this. Traveling light isn't necessarily my forte'. So I have an air mattress that I sleep on. I spent the money to get a pretty decent one. It's one of the aer0bed ones and I think I paid a little under $300 a little over a year ago. It's been working great. So the other day I was in bed, asleep. All of the sudden there was this crazy loud noise that woke me. My first thought was that my bed had collapsed. The fact that I was sort of looking up at the right side of my bed reinforced that idea. Then I remembered that it was an air bed and it couldn't "collapse". So then I'm trying to figure out why the side of my bed is higher than the middle. I got up and after peeling back the sheet and mattress pad I figured it out. One of the creases in the bed (I have no idea what they are for) had popped up. Hence the noise and the lump. My bed. It has a hernia.


I ended up turning it around so the lump was on the other side since I get out of bed on the side it was on. It seems to be working ok. I also let some of the air out in case that was something that contributed to the problem. I'm hoping that this doesn't happen with more of the crease things as I really would rather not go buy a new bed.
If you would like to play along with show and tell or just see what others are showing this week head on over to Mel's place at Stirrup Queens and join the fun.

Where My Brain Gets Ahead Of Me

So I would like to acknowledge before you all read this post and think "holy shit, that girl's crazy" that I am fully aware that this is a bit (or a lot) putting the cart before the horse. However since it's stuff that's bouncing around my brain it's really much easier to let it out. I have several other posts bouncing around that I should let out later too.
Anyways. I ended up working mother baby again last night at a different hospital. Again I liked it a lot. The staff was easy to work with and helpful and would love to have me come back. The charge nurse even suggested I let the special care nursery know that I was qualified to work for them. Which I did and they said they'd be happy to have me too. So, as I was saying. Different hospital and older hospital. My first impression was "not bad, they make dinner look fancy with table cloths, nice glasses etc". Then I realized that most of their rooms were semi-private. And all I could think was "really????" and no way would I have a baby there because no way am I sharing a room with someone else I don't know after giving birth. See cart before horse, not even pregnant and I'm critiquing hospitals mother baby units. Whatever. I use the excuse that because I work in a hospital I frequently find myself wondering what it would be like to be a patient there. This one while nice to work at, wouldn't want to be a patient at. I didn't even know they did semi-private rooms any more for post-partum. The hospital I worked at last week, beautiful nice new rooms. And no NICU. So if your baby gets sick and needs a NICU they ship baby off to a different hospital while you are stuck there. No, not so much. This all makes me realize that it all comes down to the fact that should I ever manage to get and stay pregnant I can't imagine giving birth anywhere but in Washington. Preferably at the hospital I worked at for 4 years where I know many of the mother baby and NICU nurses. I don't know if this is because I know the people there or if it's just because it seems like it's so much nicer there. I would guess it's some of both. The rooms are bigger which is nice if you have visitors. I don't see the couch as being necessary since I don't have a significant other who would be staying the night although it's a nice touch. But maybe it's just the feeling of home in that I worked there for so long and truly felt at home there, especially when I worked lab and traveled all over the hospital and knew people all over the hospital. I know that when I did end up being a patient there for my appendix 2 years ago I felt like I was treated really well by people in all the departments since many of them knew me. So that's what bounces around my head at night when I catch myself thinking when and not if. I guess that means I'll be going home at some point. Do I sound like freaking Dorothy yet??

You've Got To Be Kidding

Ok so I was looking at the newspaper back home and came across this article on ice cream made from breast milk. 0http://www.spokesmanreview.com/breaking/story.asp?ID=16865

And while I think breast feeding your child is fantastic something about the idea of eating ice cream made from a strangers breast milk is a bit ewwww. Not to mention the idea that ok so you're being "kinder" to cows by not milking them all the time for their milk but is it really kinder for women to have to pump constantly to provide enough milk for all the worlds ice cream needs??

Oh How I Love Bread

Yeah, the giving up of the bread isn't going so well. Lets just say that thanks to Costco it won't happen completely this week. I went to Costco yesterday and they had muffins. Now I know they always have muffins but usually you can buy a package of just one kind of muffins and have 12 of them which I get tired of that kind of muffin before I run out of them. Or you can buy a combo package and usually I don't like both of the different muffins. Like blueberry and poppy seed. Love blueberry, can live without the poppy seed. So yesterday they had something new. You could mix your own combination of muffins. They had shelves of them and you told them what you wanted. So I ended up with a dozen muffins. Breakfast for a while longer. Oh well. Still haven't had any Dr. Pepper though so that's something.
I'm going to try to work a lot in the next month. Trying to save up for this so I can pay cash for as much of it as possible. We'll see how it goes though. I know I can do 4 nights a week, not so sure I can pull off 5. I guess I'll find out though.
I'm excited and nervous about the IVF. Part of me still wishes I could manage to do this in October. And I know that a month is not that big of a difference. But I look at the calender and see that possible retrieval is the week before thanksgiving. Then I worry what if my ER is close to the end of the week and ET doesn't happen until after Thanksgiving. I want to buy my plane ticket home soon but worry about what day to buy it for. I know I'm better to wait for November but still. I'm anxious to get started. Then part of me starts to worry, what if it doesn't work. I know that's a possibility. I don't want to think of it. I want to think positive. Still the thoughts are there.
Anyways, not much of interest happening in my life. Oh except that all my TV shows are coming back on again. Yippee!!!! Yes, I have no life.

Long Weekend

What a long weekend this last one was. I worked 4 nights in a row although last night was only a 4 hour shift. Something I was torn between being relieved about and annoyed about since I should have worked the full 12. I was so tired though. Sunday morning when I got off work I could hardly drive home as my knee was so sore I was having a hard time working my clutch. Next car will definitely be an automatic. Of course I also decided to throw some fun into the mix by deciding to quit caffeine. Cold turkey. So I also had a headache for the last 4 days. I woke up today feeling pretty good and then went to have more of my favorite salad and promptly forgot and ordered an iced tea. Oops. Oh well, it still wasn't soda which I haven't had since last Wednesday night and which I am still craving so bad it's not even funny. I want a freaking Dr. Pepper.
I figured that since I'm doing another IVF I should put as much effort as possible into being as healthy as possible. Not so easy to do either. My doctor has an eating plan that is supposed to be helpful in being healthy and possibly aiding in conception. Basically for the first month no bread, no sugar, no potatoes, very limited rice and pasta and all the fruits and veggies I want except bananas. Meats and dairy are ok too. Kind of like At*kins although not as restrictive. So like I said, I gave up soda which is my preferred source of caffeine. That is difficult. As is giving up sugar which is my favorite thing. I'm still working on the sugar (as I sit and eat a couple of frozen miniature snickers bars) . Bread (and cereal) are going to be probably the hardest for me. I not only love bread but I quickly run out of ideas of quick fix things to eat on the days I work. On the days I work cooking pretty much isn't going to happen. So I need something that requires minimal effort to put together. Often that ends up being a sandwich for me. But with no bread that makes it more difficult. Plus breakfast which for me is often toast and cereal. So I'm working on it. I guess I'll figure something out. And it's a gradual process sort of. If I tried to give it all up at once I would likely have to kill somebody as my inner bitch would take over and couldn't be controlled. Granted lately she's been a bit more obvious anyways. Just wait until I'm hopped up on hormones again. Oooh, that'll be fun.
So the other night I got to pick up hours in mother baby again. And again I really liked it. Also they liked me. It's looking like it might be a possibility for me to pick up hours there on a regular basis which will be helpful in getting me more experience and maybe leading into more positions doing this on a regular basis. I ended up having something interesting that night though. I had a baby who was a 35 weeker and was sort of showing it. She was sort of slow with the feeding which is common for a baby that's a little early. The interesting part was that on the report information mom (who was my age) had been pregnant via IVF with donor eggs. Later looking through the chart I came across the donor eggs thing several times. In one sense this sort of made her feel like a kindred spirit. I felt like I had the issue of IF in common with her although I didn't bring it up. However another part of me felt like her chart/medical information made to much of the donor egg thing. Not that I think that using donor eggs is anything to be ashamed of because I don't. That doesn't bother me at all. It just felt like maybe that wasn't necessarily information that every single individual who came in contact with her during her hospital stay needed to know. In health care it's a matter of what information do I need to know to care for this patient and I don't know that the donor egg thing was a need to know. I do understand the theory that maybe it can affect bonding but I also know there are many other things that can affect bonding too. It just seemed like the way it was stated in so many different places gave it sort of a negative connotation. I know that there are those who do view using a donor or even anything ART related as being negative which to me I just don't understand. I see all paths leading to family and I don't necessarily see any of those paths as being wrong. In caring for this patient I saw a nervous pair of first time parents who were excited and happy. What difference does it truly make if those eggs started out in someone else's ovaries.

Working Again

I actually worked last night. It was sort of nice in a tiring sort of way. It was a mostly good night so it was a pretty good first night back. I did get out of work late this morning which was a bother since I'm tired, then I got on the wrong exit to go home. Oops. Going 2 miles in stop and go traffic to turn around and go back the other way. Not much else going on. I'm tired and ready to go to sleep. So just hoping to work again the next 2 nights and it looks like it's going to be a nice cool day. Great for sleeping.

A Plan

So I went and met with Dr this morning. I needed to discuss what was next and when. So now I have a plan. One I like and hopefully will be able to fully carry out. It may be tricky but I think it will work. I'm doing another IVF cycle. In November. He had originally given me information for October also which would be nice but I really don't think I can manage to get all the money together by then. So it's looking like ER around the week before Thanksgiving. I'm excited. And nervous. But more excited. At least so far.
In the meantime, I'm now set up to pick up per diem hours at 3 different hospitals in the area. I'm going tomorrow to talk to another staffing agency to see about adding several more hospitals to the area. I've talked to current recruiter about just staying put and doing per diem for the next couple of months and I think this could work. I figure I've got at least a couple of weeks to decide for sure but this is feeling like for now it could work. It's not quite as good as a new contract but it would still allow me to be working and it would also allow me with a flexible enough schedule to arrange to have Thanksgiving off and possibly Christmas and to stay in the Sac area long enough to do my next IVF. In the mean time I'm going to be trying to work as many hours as I can possibly stand to do. I need to pick up over time as much as possible for the next 2 months. Plus the more I'm working the less time I will have to go out and spend money. Who needs a life, I can live without one for a while.

Monday Again

Just another Monday and still no job. Sort of. I'm going to start picking up hours on a per diem basis here in Sac until a contract comes through so I will still be getting a paycheck but the limbo is bugging me. I had hoped to have a contract to start by the 15th so that I would be done by Dec 15th and therefore get Christmas off too. Now I have to hope for the 22nd and if not, I won't be getting Christmas off. And I'm still putting off switching to a different recruiter because I hate to lose the little bit of fertility coverage. And I can't just use the whole amount on meds and then go since only $1500 is for meds and the other $2000 is for the actual IVF. I may end up having to give up the $2000 though if they don't come up with something soon. Also I was really hoping to manage this IVF before the end of the year as I would like to add this to this years taxes. Plus I just want to be doing something. I'm tired of waiting. Of sitting on the sidelines and doing nothing. I'm back to feeling like this is all so damn far away and like it won't ever happen which then just depresses me. I think I'm just frustrated that as usual nothing is going the way I had planned for it to go. For now I sit here in an apartment that I started packing up but stopped because I would hate to have to unpack again in the same apartment. Plus I'm trying to balance the not buying many groceries etc so I won't have much to move with keeping good food options on hand. I did go buy another watermelon today from cute guy selling watermelons out of his truck. Now if I just knew what was going on next.

Show And Tell

So for my show and tell today I'm showing a pendant I bought for myself earlier this week. I had seen this about a month ago in a little store I had went to that has many fantastic things and I loved it. I didn't buy it because I don't wear necklaces often but I then went home and spent the next month thinking about it and wanting it. So I finally went back and got it. I think instead of putting it on a chain (I usually dislike necklaces since the chain pulls at my hair on my neck) I am going to put this on a black velvet or silk ribbon at least at first to see if that works, I may have to adjust later. Anyways the stone is a ruby which is one of my favorite stones although I've never seen one like this before.

Also I wanted some earrings to go with it and the pair on the right match even though you can't tell very well from this picture. These were actually pendants also but the guy at the shop converted them into earrings for me that matched my necklace. The others were just pretty and so I got them too.

Help

Help, I can't stop taking pictures of my cats. They are so cute that I just can't resist. Will it be like this when I have kids too?? So they both found a nice comfy spot in one of the boxes I had packed and then had to reopen since I needed something out of the box. It looks like they're all ready to go. Now if we only knew where to.

This one of course is sideways and I can't figure out how the hell to turn it. Oops.
Still no contract but they are asking if I want to pick up some per diem hours until a contract does come through. I said yes so maybe I will work some shifts in the next few days coming up. I did get a call from another recruiter the other day that sounded promising for another hospital here in this area but I don't think it will work out. The hospital does 8 hour shifts and I really don't want to change to 8's at this time. If I work 8 hour shifts I have to work 5 days a week. Then if I want to pick up any overtime I can't unless I want to work 6 days a week. At least with 12 hour shifts if I decide to pick up some overtime I will still have like 3 days a week off. Since I had planned to try to pick up more overtime to help finance the next IVF I really don't want to do 8 hour shifts. I'm also not sure about switching recruiters. Right now I have fertility coverage with my insurance. Not a lot, only $3500 but it's better than nothing and it's like 2 months worth of savings. I don't really want to give that up unless I was going to be getting better coverage. So I'm still kind of in a wait and see mode.
Sleeping has gotten better as long as I resign myself to the fact that it's pretty much not going to happen during night time hours. I can sleep all day long but if I try to sleep at night I just lay there. Hopefully I haven't permanently screwed up my clock and someday I will be able to go back to being a normal person who sleeps at night. At least now I'm not spending as much money since I leave my house a lot less.

Oops

It has come to my attention that I need to upgrade my phone plan to one with more minutes. Last month for the first time ever I went over my anytime minutes on my phone plan leaving me with an extra $50 dollars in phone charges. Since this was the first time since 2002 that this has occurred I figured it was an anomaly and paid the bill and moved on. So I just got the e-mail for my phone bill for this month. I went over again to the tune of $97 dollars. Oops. I have several expensive phone calls on that bill including one $32 bill for a call to my friend D. So, I need to figure out which plan to switch to. I can increase to the one that has an additional 450 minutes for another 20 or for another 35 I can switch to the one that's unlimited. I haven't decided yet.
Still no word from the recruiters. I think tomorrow I will start looking at other recruiters. Preferably one of the big companies that have more options maybe? If I don't get something soon I may have to start looking for an 8 week contract as I don't want a contract that goes all the way through December since I want Christmas off.
I went and got my CD3 labs drawn today thanks to Bleu reminding me. I had woke up late in the afternoon and almost forgot to go get them drawn. All done now though. And the acne on my chin is finally starting to go away. I will sometimes get one zit around the time AF shows up but something was up with that this month. I had like 5 good sized ones which of course I can't just leave alone so they looked even worse.
Not much else going on. I went to Chi*li's for dinner tonight. They have a salad called the quesadilla explosion that is to die for. I had tried it a couple weeks ago when I went to Marin county looking at housing and have been craving one ever since. I used some of what was left on my rent dot com gift card. Each time I rent an apartment with them (hello every time I move) I get a hundred dollar gift card. I think I've got enough on there for one more salad.

Next

Actually I still don't know what next. I still don't have a contract which isn't horribly worrisome except that I am supposed to technically move out of this apartment by the 15th. I did already give them a heads up that I might be here longer. Right now I have enough money to be fine so I'm not hugely worried. I've also been working on making myself relax. The last 2 nights I've went over to the fitness room (late when no one can see me, or at least so I tell myself) and walk on the treadmill a bit. Then I've changed into my swimsuit and went swimming. Tonight feels a bit too cool for the swimming though as the water isn't super warm. The first night though it was still pretty hot out and the cool water felt fantastic. I would so love to have a pool of my own so I could go out and skinny dip. Or as the joke goes chunky dunk.
Sunday was CD1. Yippee. Tomorrow I'll go get my CD3 labs drawn. I still don't know if I can or should cycle this month. I have no idea if I will even still be in Sac in 2 weeks. So that sort of makes it difficult and I'm starting to get really frustrated with this. I have been on hold almost the entire freaking year which I'm sick of. First it was the IVF and the miscarriage. Then it was the cyst from hell. Then trying to get somewhere that I had a doctor. Then neck injury, not working, now possibly moving again. This was not how I wanted to spend my year. Part of me wants to do one more IUI and see but then all the faith I had developed in my body remembering what the fuck it was supposed to be doing has vanished again. For the first few months after the m/c I felt like my body was doing something. I could feel ovulation, my CM was great. Now it's back to the before of not feeling much of anything other than cramps when AF shows. The other part of me doesn't want to spend more money on an IUI when I can put that money towards an IVF especially since I have no faith at this point that an IUI will work. I'm not really sure where this leaves me. Other than frustrated that 8 months are gone and I'm still no closer to my dream. In the meantime I'm trying to eat better. That's going so-so. I've eaten half a freaking watermelon in 24 hours in hopes that will make me forget that all I really want is cookies and creme brule. So far not really working but constipation is definitely not an issue. Not that it ever really was but still. Half a watermelon. I still haven't managed to give up bread and cereal but I have mostly given up potatoes for various vegetables and remembered how much I love baked beans. I'm not sure that is an improvement over potatoes though since I'm sure they have sugar. I figure that even though I'm not doing fantastic I'm still doing better than I was. Now I just need to forget the damn cookies.

Show And Tell

So my show and tell pictures this week are of two unrelated things but I got a kick of one and the other has a story with it. The first is a picture of my goofy cat Sara and the reason I can't leave plastic bags around as the girls think it's great fun to play in them. Of course I had to stop and take a picture of her before I took the bag away.

The other picture is of the wonderful watermelon I bought today. I had got one at the grocery store and it was awful. There was no water in it, the texture was all wrong and it wasn't sweet. So I got this one from the cute guy on the side of the road selling watermelons and it's much better. So sweet and juicy. And it has seeds! Which I like since I'm weird. Actually I eat the seeds and have since I was a little girl. My aunt when I was little told my cousin and I that we should eat the seeds because they were good for our kidneys. Looking back on it I'm pretty sure that she was just trying to come up with a way to get us to quit spitting them at each other in the house. Whatever though, it stuck and many years later I still eat the seeds.

Just to fully emphasize how gullible I was as a child I also believed that chocolate milk came from brown cows until I was oh maybe 12.

Can't Sleep

I can't sleep and it's annoying the crap out of me. I've been up all night. I can't tell how much of it is my body trying to revert back to night shift habits and how much of it is other stuff. My brain has just been "going" non stop. I can't turn it off. I want to fall asleep but am worried to sleep all day and miss potential phone calls from maybe employers. I think about where my next contract will be, how I will find another apartment with a short term lease, how I will get my stuff all moved again, how much I'll pay for rent deposits etc. I worry about money. Right now I have plenty to pay my bills but possibly more difficult to pay bills and deposits etc on a new apartment. I think about my friend D and stuff he has going on right now and how worried I am and how I hate the whole limbo thing of not knowing what's coming with his situation. I worry about the IF stuff. When can I try again, are my eggs crap, will I ever get pregnant, does my doctor think I'm not serious about this (get upset at me) because I haven't been able to do anything the last couple of months because of money and the neck injury. I feel like it's urgent I get pregnant or at least try again soon because of the whole egg quality worry and because if I could just hurry up and get pregnant I could take a more permanent job somewhere and not do this moving every 3 months. To some extent I have done this worry fest at the end of the last couple of contracts. Factor in stuff from home and the biological clock that is getting more and more insistent and it's all constantly on my mind. The only time I can quiet my head is if I'm reading a book. I can shut it all down and focus on another life that isn't mine. This has always been my method of self calming and sometimes I need it more than others. All I know is that right now I'm tired and I can't sleep because my head will not turn off. Is that what anxiety feels like?? Maybe I just need some fucking Xa*nax.
Oh and I just posted this on the wrong blog at first. See how tired I am? Or maybe it's something to do with keeping 3 blogs going.

I Don't Get It

Ok so I finally joined facebook last night. And I don't get it. Ok so I have been chatting a bit with a nurse I used to work with in Chic0 but I don't get it. What are the little sea creature and flower things. I mean they're cute but what is the purpose behind them? Seriously. I'm really curious. Of course it looked through like my highschool graduating class to see who was on facebook. I saw a couple names I recognized but I hardly felt like saying "hey add me as your friend even though I hated your snobby ass in highschool" Sort of seems hypocritical. Enjoying my free time from work and not really stressing too much yet about the lack of contract. I have 2 different recruiters currently working on possible contracts so I guess I'll see what comes up. If I don't have any possibilities by say Monday I may sign up with another recruiter, preferably one of the big ones this time.
I figure at this point that AF is due to arrive any day and I'm ready to get started again. I've gotten almost all of my labs done except for the CD 3 FSH and Estradiol. Oh and I forgot to talk about the 24 hour urine for Cortisol that I had to do. So here's where I sound like either a freak or a total lab geek. I had always wanted to do a 24 hour urine. No, not because I'm gross and live to save my pee in a bucket of ice in the tub. But because I've always wondered exactly how much I pee in one day. Turns out the the whole process was much more difficult and gross than I had anticipated and that I don't pee nearly as much as I would have thought. The times when I feel like I'm going to die if I don't pee, turns out there is only about 400 mL of urine in that bladder. Lord help me when (if?) I'm pregnant and I have a baby dancing on my bladder. Yes, as always I know I'm weird and I'm pretty much ok with that. Anyways, I'm anxious to get started again but of course now money is back to being a bit of an issue since I've got at least 2 weeks off work unpaid. Ugg. I think I'm getting sick of this. I need a contract where I like the job well enough to stay put for a while without picking up and moving every 3 months. And I really want/need to figure out how to do my next IVF preferably by the end of the year. One I want it on this years taxes since I should have a buttload of medical expenses this year. Two I have a feeling that I may end up needing to go home soon. There's some stuff going on at home that is sort of stressing me out and making me feel like I need to head that way. Right now though I'm trying to keep a brave face and positive attitude about it all until there is more for sure information. So, I need to go back to work. Maybe even pick up some per diem hours somewhere for a few days. I should ask my recruiter about that.

WhoooHooo

I am all done with awful contract. I did my last night on Saturday and it wasn't too bad. Sunday I slept half the day and all night. I still have no idea where I'm going next but I'm not that worried about it at this point. I have no intention of going to Mar*in C0unty since it's just not worth it to me to pay that much for a job that just might suck. I figure if I have to switch recruiters it's not the end of the world either since there are hundreds of them out there. For now I'm going to enjoy having the week off work.
Right about the time I got here to Sac I had gotten a bill for close to $1700 for my hospital stay back in Feb. At first I was trying to figure out how I would pay it but I did call the insurance company to ask why they hadn't paid more since I had already met my $1000 maximum out of pocket. I was told that it was probably because it was an out of network provider (the person I spoke with didn't know for sure why it wasn't paid) and that if I wanted to I could appeal it. I did. I sent them a letter saying that I didn't understand why it wasn't paid since I had already met my out of pocket maximum and it was an in network provider not to mention the closest hospital to my house at the time. I got a notice the other day stating that the bill had been paid in full. That's a relief.
Not much else going on in my life. I have some serious cleaning that needs to be done. No Bleu I haven't started it yet, I went to the Mall instead. I suppose if I could just get the watermelon juice off the kitchen floor it would be a good start.

Hot Here

It's so hot here my AC has laughed at me today. I have it set for 74 and the temp in my apartment is 77 and that's with it running all the time. Yuck.
My life is feeling a bit again like it's in limbo land. When I knew my contract was almost up here I told my recruiter to start looking for something else for me. I considered the Bay Area just because it was still close enough that I could drive here for appointments to see the doctor if I needed to. I knew it was more expensive to live there but I guess I hadn't counted on how much more expensive. I went down yesterday to look at potential places to live and the only one I found that was an option was $1500 a month which is double. This is frustrating for several reasons. I had figured that I could save enough for my next IVF in about 3 months time. However if I'm paying this much for rent, it's not going to happen. It would take 6 months and lets face it, at 38 my ovaries aren't getting any younger. Plus if I'm going to be paying that much rent, I know I won't stay for more than one contract which means that in 3 months I will be doing the moving thing again and coming up with deposits etc which has gotten pretty expensive. I also realized that I had left SB which was a contract I loved at least in part because of the cost of housing and that I couldn't save with it being that high. So to take another contract where the costs are similar just seems silly. If I was going to pay that much for housing I would much rather go back to SB. I also had the realization that I'm not really enjoying traveling that much right now. So basically I'm only doing it for the money at the moment and if I'm doing it for the money than I need to actually be making enough money for it to be worthwhile. I want to do something different. I want to be trained in a new area which most likely won't happen as a traveler. I dread another contract right now just because this one has been so bad. Granted I know that if I was to get another contract that was good and that I liked I would probably feel better but I keep finding myself wishing for or wanting a "travel" position that I like well enough to stay put for 6-9 months. I'm tired of moving every 3 months. So I told recruiter that I really didn't want the position because of the cost of housing thing. He of course decided he needed to fix it by finding me housing that was affordable. Whatever. I suppose if they did find something that was reasonable I would still take the position. Otherwise I'm ready to start looking elsewhere. I don't know if my recruiter realizes how stubborn I can be once my mind is made up. So I guess I'll see what happens. But I don't think I'm going to the bay area next.

Packing, Again

Well I got my next assignment and I'm off to Mar*in C0unty. Like next week. And I just started packing last night. Ugg. I was supposed to find out Monday whether I got the position or not which would have given me a couple of days to go over and look for a place to live but instead found out yesterday afternoon at like 5pm. I have today off and I'm not sure if I'm going to go or just focus on packing. I really sort of need to go as I want to start moving my stuff early next week so I have the week to settle in before I start work on the 8th. I had sort of hoped to push out starting until the 15th but oh well. That means I will be done around the 8th of December and will have about 3 weeks before Christmas. I think that will give me time to finish what I should have done before in moving HS out of my house. I had really hoped that the situation would work as it would be so much easier but it's not. I'm not getting the months rent until almost the end of the month now (although it is the full amount). The last 2 months he has "accidentally" sent it to my old address in Santa Barbara which delays me getting it. The first time it got sent back to him and then he mailed it out to my address in Sac and this time it finally got forwarded to me. Since he has sent it to me twice at my address I know he has my address. My fault I guess for hoping this would work and for letting him slide so long that now he expects it.

Thanks

Thanks for all the positive comments about my new tattoo and the guy. I would love to be able to print out all your comments and give them to him, just to let him know what blog land thinks of him. I loved the comment of how he wasn't worthy to wash my socks. So funny. I would love to post the guys name on my blog so that any future girl who is smart enough to google him will be warned about him. That's probably a touch vindictive though. To those who asked, yes it hurt like hell getting it (the tattoo) done but it was really quick. Seriously took the guy like 20 minutes. And I was talking on my cell for most of the time and was pretty well distracted so it was ok. It also still didn't hurt nearly as bad as the one I have on my chest. The guy who did this one said that the artist who did the one on my chest went too deep and that was why it hurt so much. This guy was a kick and I think he got a few laughs out of me when I told him the short version of the story behind the tattoo etc. Now I have the next 4 days/nights off work and won't have to wear shoes (yippee, shoes sort of sucked this last week) for a few days.
So I finally have my book exchange blog up and at a place where I like it. I tried out wordpress for a little over a week just to see how I liked it and I didn't really. It just didn't seem as user friendly. So I moved it all over to blogspot tonight. The blog is The Batty Book Exchange and you should all head over there and take a look. I will say that for now anyways participation is limited to those in the US mostly because of shipping issues. Sorry to all the overseas and Canadian folks.
I have 2 more nights of work at the hospital from hell!!!! I now officially have short timers. Don't get me wrong, I care about my patients but as far as the rest of the bitchy staff nurses and the charge nurse who is constantly complaining about and looking for things to complain about, I just don't care anymore. As of Sunday morning I will be done!! Still don't know where I'm going yet but I figure that will come. I had an interview last week for a position in Mar*in C0unty but I haven't heard back yet.
Well I'm about to collapse from lack of sleep so I hope everyone has a good week.

Show And Tell With A Story

This weeks show and tell comes with a bit of a story too. The last few months I’ve been feeling somewhat like my life is out of my control, gee imagine infertility causing a woman to feel like that. I’ve felt a bit like nothing in my life has turned out the way I wanted it to. I have a history in the past of liking guys who didn’t like me back for whatever reason and yet I would put my everything into liking them, trying to change myself to be what I thought the guy of the week or month would like. I finally had given up this damaging habit a couple of years ago, around the time I more or less gave up on men. While I have had dates in the last couple of years I feel I have done a fairly decent job of being mostly true to myself. I also haven’t dated anyone that gave me that really excited, I really like this guy feeling. I haven’t felt physically attracted to any of the guys I’ve dated. Then a few weeks ago I was talking to a co-worker who asked me out on a date although we didn’t really set a concrete plan. This guy did a lot of sweet talking with a lot of pretty words and I amazed myself by falling for it. I liked this guy. Liked him to the point I didn’t even blog about him. So while I didn't totally trust the sweet talking, I did pretty much ignore my distrust too. There were several tentative plans made and phone calls that never came. A couple of weeks ago to get away from what I knew would likely be a weekend sitting at home hoping and waiting for the phone to ring I went to Seattle. A few days after I got back he called me and asked if I wanted to go to the fair. The fair sounded great and I was really excited. He talked off and on all week about how much fun we were going to have. So the day of the fair, he calls and says he’s on his way to pick me up and oh by the way, he’s bringing his friend Julie. Huh????? You’re bringing another girl on our date?? I should have just said no thanks but of course I didn’t. The girl was nice and I got along with her ok but it was just weird. The guy seemed to mostly ignore both of us although from the way she talked they spend quite a bit of time together. At the end of the night he dropped me off at home and took off with her and I did what I had told myself I would never do again. I sat and cried. I was confused, wondering why he would say the things he’d said and yet leave me confused. The next night I went to work and a girl I work with asked how the fair was. I hadn’t mentioned the fair to her but I figured maybe the guy did. I told her it was ok. She seemed to pick up on something and asked if it was related to the guy and thought that maybe she needed to know what had happened. So I ended up talking to her and turns out he had been feeding her (and who knows who else?) all the same pretty words. He had actually told her on Saturday that he wasn’t going to go to the fair on Sunday as he wanted to go with her and she was working but then went to the fair on Sunday with me and Julie. So talking with her opened my eyes and instead of feeling bad about it, I got mad. It was a liberating feeling. I realized I had been doing a bit of the doormat routine again. So I decided that I needed to do something for myself to make myself feel more powerful. More in charge of my life and less like a doormat. So I did this.

According to the site What's Your Sign this is the Triple Spiral and it represents the drawing of the three powers of maiden, mother and crone. It is a sign of female power and especially power through transition and growth.
Now when I need to remember how strong I am I only need to look down at my foot.

Gotta Love The Fair

I had fun at the fair although the day went completely not as expected for various reasons but then I guess I should know better than to expect much in others. Fair itself was fun, the company a bit odd to say the least. I did some rides however many of the rides that were super cool when I was younger are not so much now. And all the new rides are absolutely crazy not to mention that my ass pretty much doesn't fit well into the seats which sort of takes away the fun. I will say though that the Tilt a whirl? Still hugely fun. I laughed like crazy during the whole ride. I loved it. I liked the roller coasters they had too but they didn't have any wild ones. Last year I had discovered that the wild ones that I used to love were a bit more unnerving than previously remembered. I must be getting old. The food was fair food. You can't go wrong with the corn dogs but much of the rest of it sort of isn't what you would expect. The deep fried sni*ckers was good but you couldn't eat the whole thing. I also found a place that sold cup cakes (I guess they have a cup cake store downtown Sac) and that was really good. I also saw a cute baby shirt that I almost bought as it was so funny. It was black with white writing that said "Potty like a rockstar" I also saw a whole lot of baby bumps and new babies and little toddlers etc. I found myself feeling so wistful watching the little kids and aching for what I want so badly. So a mostly good day.

Show And Tell

So for show and tell this week I thought I would post a few pics from my trip to Seattle last weekend. Actually these are from last Friday the ferry ride to get to R's house. This first picture is of the shoreline on Vashon Island. The house and all were just so cute so I took a pic.

This was just a seagull on the pilings but Vashon Island in the background looked kind of neat.

This one is looking over a passenger only ferry dock and I loved the view of the Sound also.

It was a great trip and I love to go visit Seattle. It's always so scenic on a nice sunny day.

Going To The Fair

On Sunday. I have to work the next 2 nights but am excited about going to the fair. I love fairs and all the associated junk food, sights and such. I love the rides too but in the last few years my fat ass has made that a bit difficult and embarrassing.
I am finally getting close to the end of my contract here at this hellish hospital. My company had been trying to get my contract extended by 2 weeks to make up the shifts I missed when I was out with my neck injury but the hospital denied that. I'm not really all that upset about that. I'm kind of glad about it actually. I'm waiting to hear more about where I'm going next. My recruiter is submitting me to a couple of different places so maybe next week I'll know more. Of course now I have to start packing again. Yikes.
Last night I made chicken and black been enchiladas for dinner and they turned out fantastic. So yummy even with my little recipe modifications. I of course left out the onions as I HATE them. Not too much else going on. I'm back to work tonight for 2 nights. I don't know yet if it will be at the regular hospital or elsewhere. They've been floating people a lot lately. Hope everyone is doing well and that you all have a good weekend.

Just Thinking

So I'm not cycling this month. I didn't even try. When I got home Monday I paid bills and had not much left over for ultrasounds etc. That with not having the labs done and the fact that my heart just didn't feel into it this month. See back in like April, May and June I felt like my body was different since the miscarriage. I felt ovulation, everything just seemed to be in sync. The last couple of months it hasn't felt like that at all. Then with the neck injury that seems to just linger on forever. It still hurts. Not horribly but there. Part of this is the fibr0myalgia. Once I get inflammation in my muscles, it takes forever to get rid of it. I wake up feeling fine but by the end of the day often I'm hurting pretty good. Then it takes ibu*profen and muscle relaxers to get to sleep. The physical therapy has helped but my last appointment is on Thursday. Also when I was off work I gained a bit of weight. Only like 7 pounds but on my body that is already extra fluffy not so great a thing. Plus it seems that when my weight went up, so did my blood pressure. My blood pressure had been fantastic for quite a while. Then all of the sudden it was sucking big time. So I'm trying (and not always succeeding) to eat a little better. Breakfast sort of kills me as I crave bread and cereal like crazy for breakfast. So I'm hoping in the next month or so I can drop about 10 pounds and get the inflammation in my neck calmed down so that I'm feeling better. Also to get all the labs done. Plus I'm also trying to save for a couple of trips. I want to take a trip to Minn*es0ta in September to see my sis and niece. Then sometime before Christmas BFF has a work trip to New York and I'm planning on meeting her there to spend a weekend goofing around. I've never been to New York and am totally excited for this trip. Then I suppose if next months IUI is unsuccessful gearing back up for another round of IVF. So I guess with all that maybe I should be picking up some overtime.
My job has been pimping me out to other hospitals again this week. I actually had an ok night last night though. Busy but not really over whelming and the staff were helpful. Plus I have to figure out when to move out of this apartment and where I'm going next. My recruiter mentioned San J0se so Tracey I may be in town for a bit.
It's been hotter than crap here lately which hasn't been much fun but oh well. I'm hoping it cools down this weekend though. Hope everyone is having a good week.

Home Again Home Again

I forget the rest of that nursery rhyme. Oh well.
I had a fantastic weekend. I decided on Thursday afternoon that I didn't want to sit around all weekend and I didn't want to work (even though I probably should have) so I called my BFF in Seattle to see what she was doing for the weekend. I ended up buying a ticket and taking off Friday morning for Seattle. I had a fun weekend of doing not a whole lot of anything important and doing some catching up with her. It was great to get away and even though it was sort of cloudy and dreary it was still nice to be in Seattle. Then this morning I was up early and on my way back to Sac. My cats of course wouldn't speak to me for a couple of hours and now they won't leave me alone. Goofy things.
I'm trying to fix the fact that last month I procrastinated horribly today and it still isn't working well. I had some labs Dr wanted me to get done and I wanted them to be ordered by my doctor at home in hopes that my insurance might actually cover them that way since I'm sure they will be expensive. However I procrastinated in calling my doctors office to see if he would order them until last week. Then he was off the next day and then his MA called about where I wanted them faxed but she was leaving and I haven't been able to get ahold of her since in spite of leaving her several messages along with a fax number. I still don't have my lab req. I called again today and spoke to someone asking them to e-mail it to me but it was late in the afternoon. I still haven't gotten it and will have to call back tomorrow and see what happened or have them do something different. The crappy part is that I waited long enough and AF showed up on Friday on my way to the airport and I missed CD 3 for those labs. I still will do the rest but since I procrastinated so much I don't know if I will be able to cycle this month. Part of me would like to wait as tomorrow is CD 5 and I haven't called Dr's office yet and my neck is still sort of bugging me and I'm still taking ibuprofen for it. I'll see if I can get the lab orders tomorrow and call the doctors office tomorrow. I am guessing I will be waiting until next month. I guess that gives me time to pay off bills right??

Going Bye Bye

Ok so to those of you who are interested in the book exchange and I've e-mailed you once and then the week from hell at work happened so I didn't do a follow up e-mail. Well now I'm going out of town for the weekend. So I promise I will get back on all of this next week. I haven't forgotten all of you.

Thank God It's My Friday

Thanks everyone for your input on my last post. I do appreciate it all. I will say though that I wasn't really so much lonely as bothered by the low self esteem thing. Not to say that I haven't had my lonely days and I'm sure I will have them again but it's more. The me I want to be has parties and lots of people over and doesn't blame herself when a friendship breaks up. The real me is so afraid of putting myself out there that she just thinks of having parties. I worry that the real me's self esteem issues will carry over to my children and I don't want that. I know all the positive thinking stuff and yes it can help but for me hasn't cured it. And it affects virtually every area of my life.
I'm so tired of work right now. I worked 6 of the last 7 days and I think my body decided it was done. The day before yesterday I couldn't fall asleep and definitely didn't get enough sleep. Yesterday I did fall asleep earlier but near as I can figure my body decided it was done regardless because as near as I can tell I slept through my alarm. I haven't overslept in like 7 years!!! I woke up, moved my sleep mask and realized it was darker than it should be. Rolled over, looked at the clock and saw it was 7:32 pm. I was supposed to be to work at 7 pm. Shit. Of course there were messages on my phone from work. I called them and said I would be there soon. It all worked out fine but oh my, what a beginning to my night. Now I have a couple of days off and plan to find something relaxing to do.

The Me I Want To Be

The other night I sat at work in a few slow moments paging through a catalog I had received in the mail. It had tons of different halloween decorations that were so cute. There was a set of cups/goblet things that were the greatest and I was thinking how cool it would be to get those and have a halloween party. Then I remembered that in all likelyhood if I bought them, they would sit in my cupboards for my someday life. The life I wish I lived but don’t. The life where I have parties and I have friends who would come to them. Which isn’t to say I don’t have friends but I guess I speak of IRL friends. And I have those too but it seems like not nearly enough for a party unless it was a party of 3 or 4. This bugs me too, especially since I’m unsure of exactly how I got here. I’ve tried planning parties a few times to the tune of mass failure. I think there were 2 or 3 where absolutely no one showed up. No one called, no one showed up of numerous people who said yes they would be there. At the time this was devastating. Then there are the friendships that have just fallen apart or whatever it is that happens. I know some have become distant because we have honestly grown apart, found different directions. For instance a very close friend whom I was friends with for many years who then became very religious. It felt like we had nothing to talk about and nothing in common, even like she was judging me or trying to change me into something that would fit better in her world. I do know that I feel bad sometimes that things aren’t what they used to be.
I feel like I left her behind and I know how much it hurts thinking about all the friends I’ve had in the past and some more recently where I was the one who felt left behind. And I make myself a little crazy wondering what happened. Wondering what I did wrong. Because it always seems like it had to have been something that I did. I do realize that possibly this feeling is related to severely low self esteem, assuming that the friendship ended because of something I did. However there seems to be enough instances where friendships ended abruptly without a visible reason such as a fight, disagreement or something that was the catalyst for an end. Which then because of my low self esteem leaves me feeling as if there is something about me this is unlikeable and or that people don’t really like me and would rather not be around me. This fear then leads to me not reaching out to people and trying to plan things but instead waiting for someone to invite me which seems to become more and more rare with the exception of a few people whom I feel confident enough to pick up the phone and call or go visit. Forget planning a party and inviting people over. The rare occasion where I do try to reach out and don’t get a response of some sort seems only to fuel the fear that I am unlikeable. I’ve been told before to just start reaching out but it just seems so far beyond my reach to get past all the shit in my head first. Which then makes me sad so I try to just not think about it. Not think about how I would love to have a group of women friends who got together on a semi regular basis for a potluck or drinks and an evening of girl talk or something. But then maybe that only exists in the books I’ve read. It also makes me worry that I’ll suck as a parent. Is it possible to teach a child self esteem when I have almost none? Is it possible to have a child become an adult who is confident and sure of themselves when I have so rarely felt sure of myself. Yet I want so badly to be a parent. Not to fix myself, or to live my life differently through my child but to experience the love as a parent and to see the world through the eyes of a child.

Show And Tell

So since I have done nothing fun and or interesting or exciting lately and I figured I wouldn't bore you all with pictures of my new vacuum, I decided to share some older pics of all my furbabies that always make me smile.
This one is of Luna when she was pretty little, she fell asleep on my slipper. The pic was a little blurry but still so cute.


This one is Luna when she was about 3 weeks old. Still funny looking but oh so cute too.

This one is Sara sitting in the dog dish. I found her here and she just didn't seem to know what to do with all that space. Lucky Sadie didn't come along and think she was a Sadie snack.

Here is my beautiful Sadie. This one was taken last time I was home in May. I'm missing her a lot more since last week.

This is an old picture of Sadie on the couch and it cracked me up at how she was laying there like she had just collapsed.

Weird

My computer is being really weird. It at this moment will not open my blog page from my favorites list but it's allowing me to type out this post so we'll see what happens. I tried at one point to hit the back button and it started trying to open up new pages and did so over and over again. I had 30 open internet explorers before I could get it to stop. Very strange. I can't seem to open any other blogs (at least blogspot I haven't tried word press yet) right now either. I hope this goes away.
I actually had a good night at work last night thank goodness. I'm hoping for another one tonight. That would be nice. We'll see what happens.
I will in the next couple of days get an e-mail sent off to all of you who said you would be interested in a book exchange and we'll see if we can plan this and get it going. Anyone else interested feel free to join in too.