I can't sleep and it's annoying the crap out of me. I've been up all night. I can't tell how much of it is my body trying to revert back to night shift habits and how much of it is other stuff. My brain has just been "going" non stop. I can't turn it off. I want to fall asleep but am worried to sleep all day and miss potential phone calls from maybe employers. I think about where my next contract will be, how I will find another apartment with a short term lease, how I will get my stuff all moved again, how much I'll pay for rent deposits etc. I worry about money. Right now I have plenty to pay my bills but possibly more difficult to pay bills and deposits etc on a new apartment. I think about my friend D and stuff he has going on right now and how worried I am and how I hate the whole limbo thing of not knowing what's coming with his situation. I worry about the IF stuff. When can I try again, are my eggs crap, will I ever get pregnant, does my doctor think I'm not serious about this (get upset at me) because I haven't been able to do anything the last couple of months because of money and the neck injury. I feel like it's urgent I get pregnant or at least try again soon because of the whole egg quality worry and because if I could just hurry up and get pregnant I could take a more permanent job somewhere and not do this moving every 3 months. To some extent I have done this worry fest at the end of the last couple of contracts. Factor in stuff from home and the biological clock that is getting more and more insistent and it's all constantly on my mind. The only time I can quiet my head is if I'm reading a book. I can shut it all down and focus on another life that isn't mine. This has always been my method of self calming and sometimes I need it more than others. All I know is that right now I'm tired and I can't sleep because my head will not turn off. Is that what anxiety feels like?? Maybe I just need some fucking Xa*nax.
Oh and I just posted this on the wrong blog at first. See how tired I am? Or maybe it's something to do with keeping 3 blogs going.
8 comments:
Aw I am so sorry hun, and yes it sounds like anxiety and understandable with all you have going on.
I am here if ever you wanna vent!!!
I hope you find a good contract soon. Maybe once you're settled things can start coming together...
not sleeping is the worst :-( i had a lot of nights like that while in TTC. Hope you sleep tonight!
The waiting and uncertainty can eat you alive. Hope you get a good nights sleep soon.
It's the way I detach as well, picking up any book, even a bad one. I re-read a bunch of my young-adult novels in the last few weeks because I couldn't get to the library!
((hugs)) to your eggs, too
((((HUGS)))) It sounds like you are very anxious. I sure hope things work out sweetie! Thinking of you!!
I can relate. I sleep like total crap and have ruminating thoughts. It sucks..
I feel the same way. I too try and read especially "happy go lucky, life is good and perfect" blogs. That is the way I detach myself from my life at the moment which is pure hell that my DP and I are experiencing. I wanted to chime in. I hear you Michell. I hope you sleep better tonight.
Crystal
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