These Ah-ha moments keep happening in my life. Moments where all of the sudden things I've thought or believed for years or habits I've had finally make sense. While it's often a relief to know the why behind the problem, it can also be frustrating as it feels like something else to work on.
I had another one recently that has sort of left my mind spinning a bit more than usual. I've mentioned on here before that as a child my mom used to tell about how Jehovah's Witness were tortured in Nazi Germany like the Jewish people were and that it could all happen again. As a child she used to tell me how people could come take me away from my parents, torture me and even kill me to get me to say something against God. And she wondered why I was afraid of the freaking dark?? A side part of this belief was that I could (and should) expect to be disliked or even hated for my religious beliefs.
See where this is going? Yeah. For as long as I can remember I've always had this feeling or expectation that I would be disliked if people really knew me. If they really knew who I was, what I believed in, what was important to me, that I wouldn't be likeable. So I spent all of my childhood and a great portion of my adult life to this point trying to be whatever the person or people around me would find likeable. That was hugely tiring and I think at some point I decided that I was tired of pretending to be something I wasn't but yet in order to protect myself I pushed most everyone away to a safe distance so that it wouldn't matter if they didn't like me or who I truly was. I think this also factors in at least somewhat in how hard I find it now to have someone I've considered a friend who speaks out vocally against something I believe in. Like gay marriage or equal rights for everyone. How can I be friends with someone who is against something I believe so strongly in supporting. Yet if I eliminate the possibility of friendship with someone because they don't share my beliefs does that make me as bad as those who I fear would dislike me because of what I believe in? This is what I've had a difficult time with lately. Well that and the whole fear of being disliked. Yeah, that's still there.
I had another one recently that has sort of left my mind spinning a bit more than usual. I've mentioned on here before that as a child my mom used to tell about how Jehovah's Witness were tortured in Nazi Germany like the Jewish people were and that it could all happen again. As a child she used to tell me how people could come take me away from my parents, torture me and even kill me to get me to say something against God. And she wondered why I was afraid of the freaking dark?? A side part of this belief was that I could (and should) expect to be disliked or even hated for my religious beliefs.
See where this is going? Yeah. For as long as I can remember I've always had this feeling or expectation that I would be disliked if people really knew me. If they really knew who I was, what I believed in, what was important to me, that I wouldn't be likeable. So I spent all of my childhood and a great portion of my adult life to this point trying to be whatever the person or people around me would find likeable. That was hugely tiring and I think at some point I decided that I was tired of pretending to be something I wasn't but yet in order to protect myself I pushed most everyone away to a safe distance so that it wouldn't matter if they didn't like me or who I truly was. I think this also factors in at least somewhat in how hard I find it now to have someone I've considered a friend who speaks out vocally against something I believe in. Like gay marriage or equal rights for everyone. How can I be friends with someone who is against something I believe so strongly in supporting. Yet if I eliminate the possibility of friendship with someone because they don't share my beliefs does that make me as bad as those who I fear would dislike me because of what I believe in? This is what I've had a difficult time with lately. Well that and the whole fear of being disliked. Yeah, that's still there.
1 comment:
Jeezy pete's, what awful ideas to plant in a kid's head. That is definitely a voice that does not deserve any real estate in your head.
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