Two Down

Yes I know. The whining about work is probably old. So sorry. But you dear internets are likely going to be the lucky ones to hear more (if I actually publish this) as I feel a need to "talk" this out and I don't have much of anywhere to do so other than here!

Last night was a bit better. At least she spoke to me to ask simple work sort of questions which she wouldn't do the night before. It wasn't horribly stressful all night. I am still trying to figure this out. The whole what am I supposed to do part. I will say I know what I don't want to do. I don't want to continue working this position. It is stressing me out (to the point that I'm getting stress headaches again) and it's depressing me. Neither is a great thing. Looking at this I can say that it's not just the one coworker and the harassment issue. That is a big part of it but not the entire issue. Another part of the issue is that when I work with the other charge nurse on nights I end up feeling like she's upset with me because I'm not doing enough work. I've discussed with my manager and the short stay manager what my understanding is of my job responsibilities and they have both stated that yes that was correct. Part of it is that my job is somewhat undefined. As in the surgery charge nurse, the recovery room charge nurse, the short stay manager, the house supervisor and the surgery services manager all seem to have somewhat different ideas of what my job really is. I also have nothing concrete in writing and for certain questions (such as am I the ED's dumping ground for patients that might go to surgery sometime in the next week) I have never been able to get a straight answer from anyone who counts. I think to some extent this is being done on purpose so that they can use (and abuse) me as they need or want to. For instance usually I take patients that are going to surgery soon, like sometime in the next hour or so but for sure during my shift. However they want to have the ability to give me patients who won't likely go to surgery for 24 hours or so (or more) if they're in a bind. The problem with this is that who decides. I guess what the result has been is a lot of frustration for me when I get caught in the middle of what various people in charge want me to be doing. Yes I am aware that I am often very lucky in that I often get one patient at a time and I even have nights with a lot of down time. This can also be somewhat boring at times and even though I'm happy to get paid to read on ocassion it would be easier to simply have a job that kept me busier. However I also have a lot of different people who have a say or think they should have a say in what I should be doing which usually equals someone not being happy with me. I also know myself well enough to know that I have a very hard time working closely with people who dislike me and or are unhappy with me. Yes I am a people pleaser, I suffer from the please disease, I'm an approval whore. And yes I am also aware that this is not the healthiest way to live my life. However I've spent much time trying to overcome this and my almost complete inability to deal with confrontation and while I believe I have improved some, the problem still exists. In this moment in time overcoming this completely isn't happening so I feel like I need to work within the tools I have for coping. In other words, even though it shouldn't matter what they think of me, it does and since it does and it affects me and my moods etc very much I think that changing the situation if at all possible would be a good thing. So, I really want to change jobs. Badly. Again, maybe not the best or most professional response but for me, right now probably the best choice. I can not go to work every day hating my job. I just can't. I know others do but when I try it depresses me and affects my entire life, not just work. So the hospitals policy is that you have to be in your position for a year before you can change positions. My anniversary date there isn't until the end of November. I'm guessing that if I apply for a position outside of surgical services I won't even be considered because my year isn't up. Right now because of the harassment and because of the frustrations about what my job is and is not that feels completely overwhelming. However I did speak to the short stay manager and she thought that her manager could possibly be convinced to allow me to move to Short stay since it's still in surgical services. But she doesn't have a full time position in short stay. She does have a full time position in preop education and has stated that she would love to have me come work for her. The problem is that because the job is 8 hour shifts instead of 12 it's a big pay cut. Right now for my 12 hour shift the last 4 hours is paid at time and a half. If I went to 8 hour shifts, I would lose that time and a half. There are however advantages too. It's working with a group of people that I really like working with. I would get holidays off, and evenings and weekends. I might still be able to pick up some additional over time. The position is one that I've wanted to try in various forms for quite a while even before I started traveling. Especially after I figured out that even though I used to picture myself as hero nurse in the thick of all the really crazy stuff, the reality is that I really didn't care for all the trauma drama and really don't have much desire to work in critical care. Just looking at things as they are right now without looking at the money issue, I would jump at this job change. The money issue though is slowing me down. That and trying not to figure out how this affects the baby vs. no baby plan since I'm trying really hard to live in the here and now and not on what might be someday. In the here and now I am unhappy with my current job to point of crying daily which I hate. I'm going to work with tension headaches. Which then comes back to the money. I could still survive but wouldn't have as much extra and it would take longer to pay things off. So that's my version of a rock and a hard place.