Perfectionist

So I am a bit of a perfectionist. I like things done right. I have a hard time with some craft things because of the whole it has to look fantastic. This could be good for some of you reading folks as I have 2 projects that have turned out less than perfect that I think I'm going to give away next week.

A lot of what this means though is that I tend to have very high standards for myself and tend to be very hard on myself when I don't live up to those standards. I was reading an article lately in a nursing journal about burnout and depression in nursing and one of the points it made was that nurses as a group tend to have high personal standards etc. Funny I did it before I was a nurse too. It tends to make life difficult though. For instance I have a couple of coworkers whom I don't like. I work with at least one of them every time I work. I don't like them, don't trust them etc. Yet it bugs the shit out of me that they seem to don't like me. Truly it often bugs the shit out of me if much of anyone dislikes me, especially though when I don't feel like I've done anything to earn it. I've also spent a lot of my time feeling like I'm not good enough. Not thin enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough etc. I think part of this is related to the whole religion thing from when I was a kid but maybe that's me trying to rationalize it. I was taught that good JW's don't do (take your pick of various things I wasn't supposed to do, date, like boys too much or want their attention, want to see movies that were deemed as bad etc). Being a typical teenager I spent a lot of time feeling like I was a bad person for liking or wanting to take part in things that were "bad". Liking a boy who wasn't the right religion, wanting to see an R rated movie, wanting to go to a holiday party. I think this is a big reason why I have such self esteem issues. It drives me nuts too. But I can't seem to figure out how to turn it off. I've tried therapists on a few different occasions and it just doesn't feel like it helps or even ends up feeling like it makes it worse. Then when little things like my animals bug me I end up thinking how can I think I can be a mom when my pet drives me nuts. I also don't trust myself with big decisions. I finally manage to make a decision and then I spend days on end anxious about whether it's the right decision. I hate this part. I just want to feel confident in myself. And I can't figure out how to manage that.