Well, I'm awake late again, but then I've spent my two nights off sleeping all day and being up all night. Or so far anyways. My neck is so stiff today I can't turn my head to the left at all. Your right Marcy, I need to see a chiropractor. I've just been avoiding it but I think I need to. I have a headache again tonight too. I did post a few new pictures lately on my picture web site.
My head is in a weird place right now. I'm feeling very down on myself, very negative about myself. To some extent I'm always like this but can usually ignore it mostly. I've been feeling a bit lonely, for god forbid, male attention. Or more honestly, a bit horny. I don't feel like I'm an attractive person and feel that most people see me as fat first and foremost. Logically I know this likely isn't always true but I just can't always seem to turn it off. I'm also still feeling overwhelmed by everything. I'm planning to go home and clean out my house in a few weeks but worry I won't be able to rent my house for very much. I've been looking at rents in the area of Sp0kane and they aren't as high as they were a year ago. I was hoping to get at least $850 but am not sure I will be able to. I really need to call a management company and see what they say. Also needing to move everything out, arrange to have carpets cleaned, walls painted etc. So much to do and I'm going to spend 6 days driving. I figure 3 days going and 3 days coming back. I'm hoping to drive from here to Sacrament0, the to Redm0nd, 0r, then home. I could possibly try to really push it and do it in 2 days but I've done it before and it's pretty miserable.
Then there is the whole TTC thing. Part of me was so anxious to get started again after my IVF. The debt of my IVF that didn't seem like that big of an amount now seems like a huge amount. And now I'm just flat out scared. I'm scared to try again and fail again. Scared of the BFN's. Scared of more less than happy endings. My heart breaks right now for my friends who have recently suffered losses. Part of me thinks that right now I could just walk away from all this IF bullshit. I could just stop. Part of me thinks that if I were to just give up, I could just enjoy myself. I could spend my money however I wanted, buy nice furniture, go home and work on remodeling my house which is a perfect size for just me, take vacations where ever and when ever I wanted to. Enjoy my furbabies. And maybe I could but I know that a year or two down the road I would regret it. I would regret giving up so easily. But what if I keep going and still never get there. What if it never happens. It feels so much like all my past journeys to find "someone". That whole constant longing for someone to share my life with that was my complete focus for so many years. And I think about all the times someone I knew and most of the time it was people I really cared for told me, "don't worry, it will happen, you will meet someone". And yet it hasn't happened. Most of the time these days I'm ok with that but its the whole idea that there are no guarantees. There is no guarantee that everyone who wants to be married will find someone to marry. Just like there is no guarantee that everyone who wants to be a parent will be able to do so. Right now IF feels so much like the whole dream that is only that, just a dream that I'm allowed to think about but not achieve. It feels like it is so far away and will never happen. And all the positive thinking and or prayer isn't necessarily going to change that or make it happen.
9 comments:
I understand how you feel about the IF thing. It has been the better part of six years that we have been trying. We are now in debt and the pregnancy that we have is fraugt with worry. It seems that nothing can be easy. I also know that if you really want it, you do not need to give up. It is a tough journey, but if it can finally work for us after three miscarriages, I believe that it can happen for you too. If you want it, keep trying.
Just wanted you to know I'll be thinking of you and listening as always. I'm always here...
I hear ya girl, it's hard not to get down but we're here for you.
Awww, sweetie, your talk about IF is so familiar. I'm sorry you're so down. We're all here for you and you can talk to us any time!
Sorry you are having a down day :-( I hope you feel better today!
IF is so hard there is nothing certain and thats enough to get anyone down every now and then!
Feel better. Take care of yourself and your neck!
Yes... go see that Chiro when you can.
Sorry the IF thing has you down... but I understand... it is a hard thing to juggle. We are here to support in whatever you decide!
Keep dreaming. I'm not saying that we get everything we want..but if you stop dreaming..it seems like you're just in a worse position. I would rather have hope than the alternative.
I so understand the "I could give up" vs. the "I'd regret giving up so easily in a year or two." It's a form of self-torture that I know well! And I also understand the multiple feelings associated with giving up on the "don't worry, you will find someone" message that I've heard a thousand times. I wish there were easy answers for any of us. Just know I'm thinking of you as we both make our way towards whatever will be.
It is just damn difficult, sometimes, to make sense of all this. What's so easy for some is painfully hard or cost prohibitive for others (relationships, having babies, owning a home, feeling sane...). We can want what others have, what society has deemed essential. We can determine to be content with whatever is our "lot in life." But even coming to that idea of who we are, what we ultimately want vs. need, when is it okay to give up, and when is it necessary to let go of an idea that we can't fulfill... We're all struggling with that, I think. And thank GOODNESS we don't have to struggle alone.
You should do it as long as it makes sense for you - to you - to do it. Taking care of you - your health and emotional well-being - is first and foremost important. How you do that is up to you.
Sending you lots of hugs, understanding and support!!!!
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