A Name

I'm typing this out with one finger on my iPad so bear with me if grammar, spelling etc aren't the greatest. 

I've always known I was adopted.  As a child I don't remember it bothering me much.  It's only as an adult that I've had difficulty coping or understanding the whole idea and the ways it has affected my life.  Even seven years ago I denied any negative effects that resulted from this fact. 

A few times when I was younger I made half hearted attempts to locate birth family but always ran into dead ends.  At the time I just assumed that meant I wasn't supposed to find or know.  More recently I at one point joined reunion registry, a few times tried googling info on finding birth family.  Again with very little result.

A few months ago I tried google again, and somehow chanced upon the correct combination of words to get me a little further.  I found a list of confidential intermediaries for Washington state. That lead me to a web page and a FB page. Which lead to a conversation.  Which gave me the info that Washington is very slowly loosening up on information that they will give to adoptees. As of July 1st I could request a copy of my original birth certificate. 

It came in the mail today.  I spent a long time just looking at it.  For the first time. I have a name. I have HER name.  Granted its a ridiculously common name so I'm guessing there is still a great amount of leg work but I know her name. Such a strange and yet hopeful feeling.

I don't know if anyone noticed I had hid my blog for a while or not.  I had a job interview a couple of weeks ago and decided that I didn't want to chance them searching out my blog.  Now that's over and I didn't get the job so I can make it public again although honestly I don't know that I'm that much more likely to post here very often.

The job interview was in Sa*nta Bar*bara.  That place I spent 3 months back in 2008 and LOVED! I was really excited for the interview and very disappointed when I didn't get the job (I didn't have enough experience, they told me to get some more experience and try in a year or two).  However I find myself feeling a bit ambivalent about it.  There were things I liked and things I didn't.  I love the location.  It's sort of a dream to consider living there.  However it's seriously expensive.  Yes I could afford it, but I will never be able to afford the amount of space that I have here.  Basically I'd be paying double for less space.  If I move there I can mostly kiss goodbye my dream of owning a long arm quilting machine as it's unlikely I will ever be able to afford enough space needed to have one.  Also as much as I liked that hospital as a travel RN doing med surg I'm not sure what I think about it working NICU.  Where I am now is a big unit.  Big enough that we always (even at night) have at least an NNP and some residents available with a doctor close by.  They don't have that.  At night it's just the nursing staff.  Which feels intimidating as it seems there could be a lot of liability issues.  That part is scary.  I like where I work.  I like the resources we have and most of the people I work with etc.  The unknown is scary.  So, not only do I not know what is going to happen (will I try again in a year or so?) but I don't know what I want to happen which leaves me feeling uneasy. 

School is still school.  I finally passed statistics.  I'm nearly done with another class and once that's over I have 4 classes left.  Then I'm done and I truly don't think I will ever go back for any further degrees.  I still really struggle with even wanting to do the work I'm doing now.  I don't enjoy it, it doesn't feel like it's something beneficial.  It feels like I'm jumping through hoops trying to get that extra letter added behind my name.  That said, I don't want to end up stuck working in a nursing home ten years from now because I didn't finish this and I have 4 classes left.  I should be done by the end of February.  I hope. 

That and my bankruptcy should be paid off in a little over a year and maybe then I won't feel so much like I'm under someones thumb and answerable to someone else.  Or maybe I still will. I don't know. 

Even with all the unknown, basically life is good.  Sometimes frustrating and annoying but good.  I have a lot I enjoy and a lot to be thankful for.  Once in a while I get a twinge about not having children, then I spend a night at work with a screaming baby and think "Yay! I don't have one of these at home!!!"

Days Going By

Well the days are continuing to go by.  I'm half way through the semester of my statistics class and I'm still passing (I even have an A although I'm not certain how I pulled that off).  Work is work and I enjoy it as much as I'm going to enjoy work.  The long arm machine is going to have to wait.  I found out that I'm not allowed to accrue more debt without a court order at least until my bankruptcy is paid off which is still over a year away.  Frustrating but it makes sense I suppose and life goes on.  I don't want to wait, I want to get started right now but such is life.  In the meantime I'm focusing on saving as much as I can as well. 

I've been slowly working again lately on letting go of the many things I accumulated during my time trying to conceive.  Some things have been easier to let go of than others yet I also still have more.  A few weeks ago my therapist suggested I take photos of the things I'm giving away, then I can make a photo album or something and keep it all together and someplace I can look at and remember without actually keeping all the stuff.  Damn.  I wish I had thought of that several years ago when I gave away almost all of the clothes. Especially since I had A LOT of baby clothes.  As a consumer (and shop-a-holic) I love baby clothes.  As a NICU nurse not so much since taking it all off and putting back on again with all the tubes, cords etc is a pain in the ass but oh how I loved buying baby clothes. 

I've got 3 different quilts I'm working on right now, all different block of the month patterns so each month I get 3 new blocks for the 3 quilts.  I'm also working on doing the actual quilting on a top I finished last year.  Doing it on my regular domestic machine is a lot more difficult and slower but I really feel like I want to finish my projects myself instead of sending them off to someone else to finish.  Add to that I'd rather not have my quilt tops sitting in a closet for the next 2 years and I guess I will get started.  I did take the class to become certified on using the long arm at a local shop that rents by the hour but I didn't love their machine and mostly what they taught was loading your quilt on the frame and then how to use the computer to do the quilting for you which I don't want to do.  I also realized that unless I was renting fairly frequently (at least once a week) I wouldn't be able to get enough practice in to be good enough at free motion quilting to really do one of my own quilts so I don't know how likely I am to use the shops machine.

That is about all that has been going on in my life.  I'm sticking to taking just one class at a time for school so I still have plenty of time for sewing or reading or whatever.  That way I can maintain my sanity and keep my whining about how I don't want to spend the time or money to a minimum. 

Answer

Well I have my answer on the machine. It sold to someone else.  I'm really ok with this as it ends the decision frustration for me and gives me some time to be a bit calmer in my overtime efforts at work etc. 60 hours work in 5 nights really isn't a good idea.  Who knows, maybe a better machine or better timing will happen in the future.

Maybe

I've had a busy month with trying to keep up with my statistics class, work and trying to enjoy myself too. Work had been so slow over the holidays and then got crazy busy plus having sick calls.  This last week I decided I needed to maybe cash in on all the sick calls and pick up some overtime.  I worked two extra nights and then got sick myself. Oh goody.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about the long arm and potential business that I could maybe start. I don't honestly know where I am. I go back and forth between thinking its a great idea and thinking its crazy.  Regardless if I started a business I'd still love to have the machine at least to do my own quilting. With that in mind I've done some looking around and possibly found a machine. 

It's a used machine that is the brand and make I really wanted to get.  The price is good.  However it will still be a stretch to come up with the amount within a relatively short amount of time.  I go back and forth on this a lot too.  One minute I'm sure I'm going to buy it.  The next I've convinced myself to walk away, only to go back again to thinking I want to get it.  So, no idea what will happen next. 

Thanks

Thanks so far for the input to my last post.  I started off replying via e-mail but then figured I'd put my replay out here. 

Paige - thanks for the kind words.  It's much appreciated and you're right that the year of saving may give me more time for planning and contemplation.

Mrs. Spock - I did look and there is a local chapter of SCORE and they gave a list of questions to answer prior to making an appointment with them etc.  All good things to think about and I'm working on the list and hope to eventually get some input from them.

Abby - I'll try to remember that although no promises.  I'm guessing regular posting might help increase my readership too.  I truly can't make many promises about that either.  I sometimes just don't know what's worth throwing out to the world and whats not.  Plus not feeling like I fit in anywhere in blogland anymore now that I'm no longer TTC and don't really blog about child free living specifically.  I tend to feel like my life (diarist) is just not that interesting and often only blog something that I feel a need to vent on and don't have another avenue that feels safe for doing so (such as FB rarely feels safe enough).

Lollypop Goldstein - I haven't spoken to Julie as I don't know her or that she quilts. It's a definite idea though.  I know some quilters are intent to do all the work themselves, others aren't as concerned by that and will let someone else doing the quilting portion.  I've done some of my own quilting (so far very basic and all straight line) and had someone do it for me on larger quilts that are difficult to do on my machine (although not impossible as I've recently been shown by an amazing teacher and quilter) or when I wanted something special done (like on my Halloween quilt).  I am working on talking to others who have a quilting business to get a feel for need and how to get started.  As far as etsy goes I sort of gave up on etsy.  Unless you advertise a lot or list things regularly/daily it's hard to be seen by random people who don't know you and aren't looking specifically for you.  When looking on etsy for something (such as a baby blanket) it's going to list the most recent things listed first so if it's been more than a day or so mine will probably not be seen as so many different things will come up and after like 3 months your listing expires and drops off completely.  Another problem I encountered is the price I was listing my blankets for barely if even covered the cost of supplies.  I could list for higher price so that I was actually making something on them but I know I'm less likely to buy something higher priced off the internet if I can't look at and touch before I buy.  

Busy Brain

My mind is as usual busy.  Just running like it does but there are specific things running right now.  Ideas and plans and maybes. So I thought I would throw this out here to blog land and say that hey if there is anyone out there, I wouldn't mind some feedback on these ideas and plans. 
I'm thinking about trying to start a business.  I haven't decided yet if this is a cool idea that could work out and eventually be awesome or if it's a little crazy.  In the past I have attempted a few times to sell various arts and crafts things and while I've done okay at it I never did fabulous but this was largely due to cost of supplies etc and not being able to sell things for what they are worth.  I had fun with doing it though and I never really regretted the time, effort, and money I put into these projects.  I've also attempted twice to be an independent sales representative for a couple different companies, which admittedly I didn't do very good at. The first time was rubber stamps with *stam*pin up.  I loved the product at the time and mostly wanted to get my stamps cheaper although I did have fantasies of find a customer like myself who was just discovering it and wanted it all! The reality was that the company was 10 years old at the time and most people who were into the hobby already had a demonstrator they bought from.  My upline who had been a demonstrator for nearly the whole 10 years made really great money with the company but she had tons of customers and people under her.  It was fun while it lasted but I had a pretty hard time keeping up with the $300 in quarterly sales required and after about 2 years gave up.  The second time I tried was m*a*r*y k*a*y.  Again, I loved the product but it's been around for a long time.  Most people who use the product have a representative for it and I encountered a lot of people who said they were allergic to the make up.  Plus it was hard to compete with those who had some of every single item so when a customer called and wanted something they could hand it over on the spot instead of waiting for an order to come in.  I couldn't afford to have all that product plus it would have been a huge waste since I never really sold much. Again after about 2 years I gave up. 
Now I'm thinking about trying something again.  I want to start a long arm quilting business.  The initial start up would be expensive.  The machines aren't cheap at all.  Having used one only a few times I'm not great at it although I know with practice I could become great at it.  After the machine purchase there wouldn't be a ton of other costs.  It's something that I would do out of my home and I would be doing other peoples quilts in addition to my own.  I spoke with someone the other day who was in the quilting class I took who said when she got started she offered to quilt the quilts for her local quilt shop for free if they would just put her name on it as quilted by.  She says she is now doing about 8 quilts a month and has been so busy she hasn't launched her website that her husband made for her (she works full time also). 
I figure it's going to be probably a year or so before I can get the machine unless I manage somehow to get a screaming deal on one somewhere.  I'm trying to figure out how to effectively budget and lower my expenses in a way that will allow me to save the most possible to be able to buy the machine in a year or so.  I just found out there is possibly a place in Fresno where I can rent time and there is a shop about an hour and a half away that will allow me to rent time by the hour on their machine to practice and there are a few other shops a bit further away that will do the same.  Going to the various places to spend time on the various machines would give me a chance to try out several different brands to maybe narrow down what I'm looking for.  It would also give me a chance to get some practice in to start improving my techniques and abilities. 
Down side if it doesn't work is that I will have spent a fairly large amount of money on a personal machine.  If I can afford the machine though this isn't a huge draw back as I would still use it for myself.  I don't plan to buy the machine unless I can afford it or the payments.  Meaning I'm not going to agree to payments I can't afford on the idea that I will make money that will cover the payments.  The biggest thing this means is that I may end up choosing a machine without all the bells and whistles that I would love to have and that might make a business easier but that I can survive without and that I can possibly add later.
Upsides are there too.  I'd be doing something I love and I'd be creating something.  There could be some tax benefits.  I think there is also a possibility that I could get some work doing teaching of quilting stuff as well, either locally or maybe not so locally. I don't necessarily see a point where I would give up being a nurse (at least before I'm 70) but if I did well enough at it, I could possibly cut back to just working as an RN part time which I'd love to do eventually.
The annoying voice in my head, which I am getting better at quieting and ignoring (she sounds a bit like my mom) of course says that I'll never make enough money at it and its the equivalent of deciding to be an artist which almost never works as a career.  Like I said, I'm getting better at ignoring that voice. I know it is possible to be moderately successful at this. I may never be famous or make millions of dollars but that isn't my goal.  My goal is to do something I enjoy and share it with others. I know it would take a lot of work and a lot of putting myself out there.  I need to be prepared to learn techniques and business tools.  The part of me that is ignoring that other voice and working hard to believe in myself says I'm pretty sure I can do it and do it fairly well.
So. Any thoughts?

An Ah-ha Moment

These Ah-ha moments keep happening in my life.  Moments where all of the sudden things I've thought or believed for years or habits I've had finally make sense.  While it's often a relief to know the why behind the problem, it can also be frustrating as it feels like something else to work on. 
I had another one recently that has sort of left my mind spinning a bit more than usual. I've mentioned on here before that as a child my mom used to tell about how Jehovah's Witness were tortured in Nazi Germany like the Jewish people were and that it could all happen again. As a child she used to tell me how people could come take me away from my parents, torture me and even kill me to get me to say something against God.  And she wondered why I was afraid of the freaking dark??  A side part of this belief was that I could (and should) expect to be disliked or even hated for my religious beliefs. 
See where this is going? Yeah.  For as long as I can remember I've always had this feeling or expectation that I would be disliked if people really knew me.  If they really knew who I was, what I believed in, what was important to me, that I wouldn't be likeable.  So I spent all of my childhood and a great portion of my adult life to this point trying to be whatever the person or people around me would find likeable. That was hugely tiring and I think at some point I decided that I was tired of pretending to be something I wasn't but yet in order to protect myself I pushed most everyone away to a safe distance so that it wouldn't matter if they didn't like me or who I truly was.  I think this also factors in at least somewhat in how hard I find it now to have someone I've considered a friend who speaks out vocally against something I believe in.  Like gay marriage or equal rights for everyone.  How can I be friends with someone who is against something I believe so strongly in supporting.  Yet if I eliminate the possibility of friendship with someone because they don't share my beliefs does that make me as bad as those who I fear would dislike me because of what I believe in?  This is what I've had a difficult time with lately.  Well that and the whole fear of being disliked.  Yeah, that's still there.

Strange Year

Christmas is over.  New Years is just days away.  All of this in what has been the strangest year I can recall.  This year has been full of so many conflicting emotions which often left me hanging by a thread of sanity wondering how I would get through. 
My depression has been a lot worse this last year than it has been or than I have acknowledged it has been for a while. It's been a year of crazy ups and bottomless lows which often left me doubting my sanity, my thoughts, actions, and everything in between. Therapy has helped although it has also opened up some old wounds I've been determined to ignore.  Wounds that are making it clear they won't be ignored any longer. 
I have so many conflicting feelings and emotions about so many things that I've tried to muddle through the last year.  Things like desperately wanting a dog and loving my dog to pieces and yet sometimes hating having her around disrupting my life and then the decision to let her go to someone more equipped to deal with her. I know to some it may seem like a small thing.  Yet for months I made myself crazy over her, second guessing every thought, feeling and action and what others thought about my thoughts and actions regarding her. 
It's been a year of myself having a very difficult time settling down to activities and tasks and frustration that past self calming methods didn't work.  I was diagnosed with ADHD this year which is a weird thing as an adult.  Stranger is the fact that all through childhood I found ways to deal with, manage and excel inspite of this and yet as an adult it's been so fucking hard. I've always used reading as a favored way of self calming, stepping outside of myself and dealing with depression and likely the ADHD. This year that failed to work for me, leaving feeling adrift without a way to maneuver my life.  This year I have had a very difficult time focusing on books, or most books.  I haven't been able to become involved in most books or stay with plots etc long enough to get past the first few chapters, let alone finish the book. Strangely the only books that haven't fit into this and the only books I've been able to consistently read and stick with is Harry Potter.  It's crazy how many times I've read Harry Potter this year.  CRAZY!  I feel like I might be finally moving past this as I've finished 3 books this week and loved it. 
However I'm aware that I still need to work on other things like school to ensure that I will still have a career in 10 years as an RN.  School frustrates and annoys me on so many levels.  I hate spending the money on it and the time.  Yet I know I need to finish my bachelors degree, even if I truly don't want to.
I still need to work on planting roots in my life.  I've struggled this year with both feeling lonely, being in California by myself and yet also feeling as if I'm truly home.  Even with the heat in Fresno I can truly say I love living here.  I wish I had chosen family closer but I love it here and outside of maybe moving more coastal (which may never happen and is ok) I can't imagine moving.  Can't say I never will but it would be a difficult decision to leave.
I've struggled with the realization that my life has turned out nothing like what I had hoped or expected it to turn out.  I've grieved not having children and evicted my uterus partially to stop the waffling back and forth about trying again or wondering if it could happen.  I don't regret the hysterectomy.  Truly this last year of no periods has been fabulous.  Yet it was a very firm slamming of a door.
I spent a lot of time wondering and trying to figure out what I believe in.  Feeling as if I was or would be judged for my beliefs and how they differ from other peoples.  I still have a hard time with reconciling people who I consider friends having beliefs that are so much in opposition to things I believe very strongly in. I experience a lot of fear in the idea of allowing people to see what feels like the real me and being shunned.  Where do I draw that line of being myself and being true to what I really believe in and yet forcing those beliefs on others in a manner to make them choose whether or not to be in my life.

I've had frustrations that I'm still trying to dig my finances out of the whole created by infertility and student loans (yet another reason spending money on further education frustrates me), that I allowed myself to get into this situation and that for now the plans I want to make for my future still seem so far away.

I guess the overwhelming feelings this year were anxiety, sadness and frustration. Here's to hoping 2014 goes better.

Scroogy

I'm feeling rather blah this week. I love the holidays. I love decorating and making things to give away.  However I also tend to feel more lonely around the holidays than usual.  Most of the time I'm good.  I know I'm blessed and I have a lot in life to feel thankful for.  Yet this time of year I find myself fantasizing about being a part of big holiday gatherings with people I love.  Fantasize about belonging.  Yet at this time of year it also seems so far out of reach.  The lack of any real family and all of my close friends being so far away just makes me feel so much more lonely than usual. 
I'm aware that even if I lived closer to my chosen family I likely wouldn't get to spend a lot of holiday time with them.  First off I'm a nurse and my job is such that I usually get one of the winter holidays off.  Second most of my chosen family have other family engagements that while I would likely be welcome I wouldn't necessarily be comfortable.  I have this weird thing about spending holidays with people I don't know.  It almost makes me feel more lonely. 
I love living in California.  I really do.  However this time of year I find myself wishing for more.  Not sure even exactly what.  Just more.

Pet Peeves

I will admit that I probably have way to many pet peeves to name. Or at least too many to name all at one time without sounding like a total cranky bitch.  One though in particular has been grating on me and at first I couldn't figure out why it bugged me really but I finally figured it out. 
I will preface this by saying that I am very much non-religious and have been for a long time and honestly don't consider myself Christian. Hope that doesn't offend too many people (or the few who are still out there) but for various reason I don't. I will also say I don't have a problem at all with the phrase Merry Christmas.  I say it frequently this time of year.  I love decorating for Christmas and baking etc, I refer to it as Christmas. I also don't necessarily see the holiday as the total all Christian holiday (many of the traditions have pagan origins and those traditions have been adopted as part of the Christian holiday), I know many others do and that's fine.  It doesn't bother me if other people disagree with me or believe differently, we all have that right, or most all.  However the last week or two I keep seeing a picture thing pop on FB from various friends that states "I hear it's offensive to say Merry Christmas? Well if it bothers you then... Merry Christmas again."  So if it bothers someone you're going to say it again just to make sure that you have really offended them?  I'm sorry, does this really sound like a Christian value? I am aware that there has been some input from people to separate church and state that has led to a movement in the direction of removing some of the more religious traditions from schools, government or what ever.  I will also say there are probably those that are just obnoxious and will say it is offensive just to cause drama.  I can also say that even back when I was a kid and didn't celebrate Christmas (wasn't allowed to) if someone said Merry Christmas to me I wasn't offended and usually simply replied with a thank you.
How about a different perspective.  I swear. Often more than I should although I try to keep it to a minimum at work.  However suppose I said Fuck at work.  A co worker hears this and says "you know, I find that word, language offensive."  So I turn around and say Fuck again and I'm standing up for my right to say Fuck as often as I want?
I don't know.  Maybe it's the attitude. It just seems argumentative and rude.  Not kind or anything like what Christmas and Christians are supposed to be like. 

And One More Time

I did get registered for a statistics class here in Fresno to the amount of $204.00.  I think I wish I had just went that way to begin with.  This will be my third attempt at statistics and by the time I'm done this damn class will have cost me close to $2000.  Crap.  I'm also going to likely end up taking my other classes at the same time through the university I've been working through.  Still not sure I'm super impressed with their program but I have no desire to go elsewhere and start over.  Hell, I don't even really have a desire to finish except looking at other NICU jobs around the state most of them state you need a BSN to apply.  So if I can manage the two classes at a time without wanting to rip my hair out (hey, homework seriously cuts into my quilting time!) from January through May I might still manage to graduate in October.  I'm thinking a trip to Disneyland at Halloween might be my treat to myself for finishing. 
Interestingly in talking about this, potential moves in the future etc with my therapist when I really stop to look at what I'm looking for or wanting, I think I may end up staying in Fresno.  I feel at home here.  Granted I don't love the heat in the summer but I manage. I could afford to buy a home here.  I could maybe even afford to work less hours here and buy a home if I budget well.  So after I finish paying for my cheapest I can find school stuff I guess I need to start saving for a down payment on something to call my own.

Now What

I really should post here more often.  On my last post I stated I was going to stay off FB for like 5 days and I think I made it 4.  I also ended up flunking the statistics test.  I walked in to the test and seriously had no idea how to answer any of it.  I left 90% of the test blank.  I knew from the beginning an online math class would be a challenge for me but I thought I could do it.  I also knew that even though I was getting the correct answers on most of the problems at least at first I didn't know how I was getting the correct answers and that it may catch up with me eventually.  Yes, it did. 
Did I put my absolute best effort into the class? Probably not but the class was not a great set up for learning.  The teacher essentially did not teach.  We had an e-textbook and class material that was put together by the publishers of the e-textbook.  The book had audio examples throughout that "explained" how to do the problems.  Most of those explanations included "use technology to figure out this problem, we'll use statkey."  Statkey was an online program where they had the data already listed in and it would compute stuff automatically.  Problem was we couldn't use statkey in the exams.  We had a calculator that had a 319 page instruction manual.  For the most part the book never did show or teach the formulas or equations for figuring out the answers so there was no way to really figure out how to do the problems manually.  Then the tests looked nothing like the homework assignments. 
So overall I'm hugely unimpressed with this class and it's made me look a bit more at the program as a whole.  The RN to BSN program I chose was the cheapest and required the least amount of extra class work.  Right now it feels a bit like the saying you get what you pay for is very true.  I've talked to others who are doing online programs and they have a lot more direction than what I've had so far with mine.  Down side is that they are also paying considerably more money than I am.  I'm not in a position where I can take out further student loans right now and I'm not sure I want to.  I hate the idea of going into debt and paying close to $20,000 for a bachelors degree that for the most part isn't going to affect my current job at all. My biggest reason for deciding to get my bachelors degree was that I figured at some point down the road I would  need it.  I still think that is possibly true although I know that I have no intention of going into management and really don't have any desire to become a nurse practitioner either.  I know though that there is a big push for all RN's to have a bachelors degree although its a long ways from requiring it.
So I don't really know what I'm going to do.  Right now I'm trying to get registered for a statistics class here in Fresno at a community college where I have an actual class to go to.  I've been told that it might be a slim chance I will actually get into a class.  I've looked at a few of the other programs and probably need to request more info.  I also still have the option of finishing with the current program and just having my statistics grade transferred in when it's done.  Either way it's all frustrating. 

Venting and Time For a Break

I've posted several times lately about having my feelings hurt or being disappointed by something seen on FB.  I will openly admit that I have a sort of love hate relationship with FB.  I love that it allows me to have some contact with people I probably wouldn't talk to much otherwise.  Friends from my past or relatives that I don't see often or routinely call etc.  On the flip side I get tired of the snarky stuff that is supposed to be funny that really isn't and the not so nice method of sharing ones beliefs about various things, not to mention the fear of sharing certain parts of my life and being judged because of those parts of my life (for instance the whole Lily and the rehoming of Lily).  
So this afternoon knowing it wasn't a good idea and that I was much better off to just move on and say nothing I posted a reply to one of those "Some e-cards" on FB that tried to point out that maybe having a bit of empathy for others or not making a snap judgement about someone based on what little you see of them in a grocery store line could be an ok thing.  Of course someone I didn't know responded and then responded to my response and got sort of nasty.  Yes I know better.  I know that everyone has their own beliefs and it's better to just move on. Logically I know this.  Logically I try not to be annoyed with people I know who "like" a status or some e-card or picture that has a different view than my own.  I know that there are likely many things that I "like" on FB and maybe some things that I even share on FB (I often will like a status that I agree with that may be controversial but am a lot less likely to click on share for that same status) that others disagree with or are even offended by.  I hope that if someone were to reply to something in a respectful manner (I thought I did) that myself and others could just agree to disagree if they can't honestly see the other persons perspective. 
I do not claim to be perfect or to have never made a mistake in judging someone else or saying or sharing something that was offensive to someone else.  There are times that I know I'm being judgemental of others but I am honestly trying to work on doing this less as I know how much it bothers me to feel like I'm being judged.  In my efforts to become a more empathetic person and a person that I can feel comfortable being, I'm trying to stop judging others and to look at why I catch myself feeling judgemental towards others.  Sort of that thing that we dislike in others what we dislike in ourselves? Again.  I'm so not perfect with this.  I've got a lot of work to do. 
Another down side to FB or at least for me is that I spend or waste a huge amount of time on it.  Even if I'm not posting things very often I find myself spending a ridiculous amount of time lurking on FB seeing what others are doing etc.  I cringe to think of totaling up all the hours I've spent on there recently while trying to avoid homework.  So in the interest of my sanity and my desire to pass my next statistics test (and hopefully the class as well, which yes there is some doubt to) I'm setting myself a goal. A goal to step away from FB until at least next Wednesday.  Not even a whole week but hey, baby steps.  My test is on Tuesday and lets see if I can give it a break to quit wasting time and to step away from the crazy for a bit. 

Sewing

It occurred to me this morning that those who read here but don't know me on Facebook haven't seen my latest creations.  So I thought I should post some pictures here of my latest activities.  Now most of these aren't totally done. I still need to learn how to do free motion quilting on my machine (oh how I would love to have my very own long arm quilting machine) but this is what I've got so far. 

First is the cat quilt I just finished the top today.

Next is a pirate baby blanket I made for a friend.

My absolute all time favorite so far. I still need to put the binding on and some embellishments. I did all the piecing and appliqué of the quilt top on this but I did send it off to be professionally quilted by someone else. It's hard to tell in this picture but she did a phenomenal job on it.

This is my blessings of spring quilt and while not all the fabrics were my favorite, I like the overall finished project. There are also 3 other similar season quilts I'm going to be working on soon that tie in with this pattern.

I will admit that most of these except the baby blanket are kits I've purchased and then put together and not totally my own creations.  I have lots of fun though making them. 

Homebody

I've come to another realization lately.  I sort of started earlier this summer when I was considering going out of town around my birthday.  I felt like I didn't really have money to go out of town, find someone to take care of all the fur babies and have spending money for a trip.  Yet I turned around a few days later and bought a new sewing machine.  It was pointed out to me that for what I paid for the new machine I could have taken a trip and the person stating this was right.  My response was why spend money taking a trip by myself when I could instead buy my new sewing machine and get a lot of satisfaction from having it and the things I could make with it. 
It's not that I have a problem with taking trips by myself as I've done it quite a bit before and am contemplating another one this winter.  I can entertain myself pretty good even in a place I've never been to before although I'm not really one for tour groups and making tons of plans ahead of time etc.  I tend to just wing it a bit and go with what I feel like doing on any particular day. 
This past week though I went to Washington.  I had a good time and got to spend some time with people I love and not spend time working or doing homework.  Yes I totally ignored homework for the week which was lovely.  What I noticed was that leading up to the trip I was excited and had in my mind things I wanted to do.  The first couple of days I was there I had a great time even though I wasn't really doing anything "special".  However by the 4th day away from home I started to get anxious.  I started to feel overwhelmingly that I wanted to be home.  I worried about my cats, what if something happened to them. Worried about my house.  Just anxious.  It was pointed out to me that I was quieter than the previous days and the only reason was this anxiety.
I don't really know what the answer is to this other than keeping any trips I make relatively short or just having someone stay at my house (which in the past has helped with longer trips).  It however makes me aware that I tend to be more at home and comfortable in my usual space and that as much as there are places I'd like to see, I'm also very content to spend the majority of my time at home. I'm not entirely sure if this is a good thing that I can just accept about myself or if it's something I should work on changing.  In the here and now, I'm planning some shorter trips this fall, mostly just day trips or trips lasting maybe 2-3 nights.  That and plenty of time for my sewing machine at home. 

Maybe Better?

Overall my depression seems to definitely be improving. I'm a little worried or afraid of another emotional pit but I'm also trying to just leave that thought out in the wind a bit and give it a wait and see attitude, taking each day as it comes.  Usually easier said than done but all of life is a work in progress.
I have definitely felt a lot better since Lily is gone.  Not that it was Lily's fault.  It wasn't.  She's a dog.  I think it was my reactions to her and negative self talk where she was concerned.  I spent a lot of time thinking very negatively about myself while I had her for many reasons, most of which were feeling like I wasn't good enough for a dog, or that dog or whatever.  I don't know why it was so bad other than I had such high hopes for a great relationship more like what I had with Sadie. I thought by getting a puppy I'd surpass the problems that might be encountered by adopting a dog from the shelter where it may have been abused etc.  I didn't realize how many other factors could play a part in temperament or behavior.  I'm not sure if it would have made a difference if I had chose a corgi from another breeder, or if it's just a corgi's nature or what. I'm tired of analyzing it though and feeling bad.  For now I'm enjoying my cats (although dear lord I wish Sara would use a litter box).  When I come home from work in the morning I see them jump out of the window when they hear the garage door open and they are waiting in the laundry room for me when I come in. They are more than happy to let me sleep all day and will often join me which is nice too.
The new job is going pretty good.  I was a little worried about anxiety in caring for these so very small patients but so far the anxiety I've had has been a normal expected level of anxiety.  I think there would be something wrong if I felt no anxiety but it's not paralyzing.  I know that in my life I'm in a much different place than I was the last time I tried working NICU.  I'm more confident as a nurse and in my ability to know what needs to be done and to ask for help when I need it.  I have managed in 6 weeks so much more than I managed in 10 months the last time I worked NICU.  I've cared for babies on ventilators, with arterial lines, and a lot of other stuff.  I know that I still have a long ways to go before I'm completely confident but I also believe I can do it. 

Better

Many thanks to everyone for the words of comfort. I did appreciate it. I ended up giving Lily away on Monday. It was a very hard decision but I believe it was the right one.  The person who took her is the manager of the doggy daycare I had been taking her too so she knew Lily. She had also kept Lily overnight for me once so she knew that Lily and her dog got along great and that was a very good thing for her as her dog had been fearful of other dogs in the past.  In addition to that she takes her dogs to work with her every day.  I stopped in this morning to drop off Lily's vet records and Lily got excited to see me but would not focus on one thing and stay focused. It's hard to explain but it felt even more clear to me I'd made the right decision.  I've been able to sleep this week and not feel drained when I go to work which considering that I'm orienting to NICU and therefore taking care of very sick patients is an awesome thing. When I'm at work I need to be fully there and focused, not wiped out from lack of sleep. 

Failure

As much as I try to pretend otherwise I still seem to not have my shit together.  I'm still working on it and though you wouldn't really know from reading my blog I do have good days.  Most days actually are fair to great.  However I'm still having bad days and lets face it the bad days are the absolute dregs of how horrible I can feel and during that moment in time it's very difficult to remember the good days or to see any hope for good days in the near future.  There are times I sincerely miss being fat.  Miss being able to drown myself in a sugary induced haze that for at least a while made me forget all the other shit. Yes I'm aware of how nuts that sounds. 
I've continued to see my doctor and I do feel it helps me.  I have gained some perspective into why things bug me, the whole OCD and anxiety effect and I can usually keep in mind that the negative feelings I have are a skewed reality.  Down side is my doctor is a psychologist and can't do much about my meds.  I tried around the first of July to see a psychiatrist and honestly it was a really bad fit. First off her office is hugely over scheduled as in running an hour and a half late both times I went.  Second she immediately focused on the fact I'm adopted (the root of my problems of course) and nothing about other very real factors and losses I've dealt with.  She also wanted me to jump on the whole law of attraction theory to wellness and while I believe in thinking positive and know that when I dwell on the negative I feel worse I tend to get annoyed by the whole "positive think my way to what I want in life."  I truly believe (and some may disagree and that's ok) that there are some things that no amount of positive thinking or belief are going to bring about.  At any point I walked out of her office at the second appointment when it was an hour past my appointment time and the person who was scheduled an hour prior to me hadn't been seen yet.  I do have another appointment coming up with a different doctor. So fingers crossed that somehow it will work out better and I can find something that will help get my OCD, anxiety and depression under control. 
This weekend has been another huge struggle.  I've also noticed that nearly all my bad days, negative thoughts and anxiety are related to one thing.  My dog. Totally not saying it's the dogs fault.  However my reactions to the dog is seriously messed up most of the time and then add in a challenging puppy and it's not a great mix.  The biggest issue is that 8 months into her living with me and she still can't live within my schedule.  She will not let me sleep.  Or she'll let me sleep one day and then not the following days.  Since I work nights and sleep during the day it is natural for her to be awake. However I can't just leave her roaming around the house while I sleep because she is so destructive. When I contain her though in the kitchen or in her crate she barks constantly.  Plus she can hear me getting out of bed or something as she will stop as soon as I do so therefore I can't spray her with water, shake something loud at her etc to teach that barking isn't acceptable.  The only way I've made it through the last couple of months is by sending her somewhere else for the day while I sleep and lets face it, that's hugely expensive and it's also not getting her any closer to understanding that she needs to be calmer or doesn't need to be constantly entertained. I've had a couple of people suggest medication although my vet tends to make light of it in the "she's a puppy who needs a job" perspective.  I've tried herbal stuff and medications which haven't slowed her down.
The vet suggested that maybe both of us would be happier if she lived else where.  My therapist has suggested that not every dog is a good fit for every person.  The trainers I've been working with state she is challenging and something is a little off, possibly from breeding issues as I didn't exactly get her from a reputable breeder.  All I know is that I find myself feeling resentful to a dog and then feeling immense amounts of guilt over it.  I feel so negatively about myself right now that I feel absolutely worthless.  I love dogs.  I wanted this dog so bad and now I want very badly to give her to someone else.  Which in turn makes me feel even more guilty, like I'm an absolute failure at having a dog and like people I care about will be mad at me or upset with me if I give her up and that those who insinuated that I shouldn't get another dog were right and will be lining up to tell me how badly I fucked up.  I feel like maybe it was a good thing I never had children since if I can't handle a puppy how could I handle a child. Every possible negative thought and emotion has rolled through my head in the last couple of months and it sucks.
I've had her for 8 months and I've spent thousands of dollars on her and she still can't live or tolerate living in my schedule.  I look at her and she's cute and funny and yet she drives me absolutely batshit crazy and makes me question myself to the point of madness.  She knows the obedience commands and training that we've been doing but she only obeys if it suits her.  When she does obey (usually only if food is involved) she's fabulous but she is headstrong and stubborn and if she has decided there is nothing in it for her, not much of anything will get her to stop and listen to me.  I can't leave her unattended for 10 minutes or she will destroy something.  She has to go in her crate for me to take a shower.  She destroys most all of the toys I buy her unless they're indestructible (like a Kong) and then she's not interested in it unless it has food. If I stuff the Kong or give her a bone or something to chew on she will have it empty in 5 minutes or so and then she's lost interest.  She loves to play with other dogs and does good if she has someone else to play with but I know that my getting a second dog is a seriously bad idea.  Since I also don't have a cow on the patio for her to herd, I'm at a loss. I'm out of money and I'm at a point where I'm reluctant to keep spending money. I feel horrible about myself and worry what others will think about me which annoys me even further.  I find myself avoiding contact with people because I'm afraid of what they will say.  I feel like I want to post a link to this post on FB and then sign off for the next 6 months or so.
I don't know what the answer is, all I know is that  I'm tired of feeling like shit.

Feelings

It's been a pretty rough weekend. I'm doing better now but Friday evening I was a wreck and all I could do was sit and cry non stop. I've been doing that a lot more often lately and its really not very enjoyable.  Once again everything felt larger than it really was and things that were said as encouragement or advice felt more like criticism and judgment or options that were not possible at this moment in time. This is what I wrote on Friday and I briefly published it, then pulled it again.  Looking at it tonight so much of it still feels real: 
So many feelings.  I feel like I'm failing so many no matter how hard I try, most of all myself.  So overwhelmed.  I'm tired and I want to go to bed but my brain won't stop talking at me. The stuff I mentioned in my last post still seems amplified to the point of madness.  Things that are said likely as encouragement feel more like judgement and criticism.  I find myself wanting to hide from everyone and yet craving some sort of connection or for someone to see the real me.  Sometimes I'd like to sign off FB completely but know I would likely end up going days without talking to anyone.  I'm empty and full at the same time.  I'm emotionally depleted.  I feel like I'm unraveling.  I know my depression isn't managed but I'm not entirely sure how to get it managed, what added medication or combination of medications is the path back to me.  Therapy helps but it feels so slow sometimes. Or it feels like I'm good there, but after a few days I start falling apart again.  Tonight I'm just trying to keep my head above water and hold out for my next appointment which is Wednesday. 

Right now the urgency of that moment has passed.  Friday night the advice ranged from crate training to suggestions for toys to being told I need to get rid of that dog right now.  Logically I know that the advice is well meant.  However when your thought process has a hard time sticking to the logical perspective it can all feel pretty damn overwhelming.  Saturday Lily spent most of the day in the kitchen and I took a break from my dog.  Today I spent an hour on the phone with a dog trainer who will be leading the obedience classes I start with Lily in July. I got some ideas for the here and now, I got some reinforcement that what I'm doing is the right idea, some encouragement.  Today we had a good day and I'm hoping for a good night.  
 I'm fully aware that Lily isn't the problem.  She's a puppy.  A very energetic puppy, but a puppy.  She is a product of what training she has gotten.  Honestly I've never really had to train a puppy.  Sadie was pretty much good from the start, not destructive, house trained etc (at the age Lily is now) and was so easy.  Lily is a challenge.  I've also taught her (unintentionally) that certain behaviors get a reaction.  So we're both working on learning.  I'm also working to give myself time off.  When she was younger I was so intent on keeping her busy so that she would let me sleep that I sort of taught her that she needed constant stimulation or interaction. Needless to say she's really over whelming.  That on top of my continued depression and I frequently feel like I'm coming apart at the seems.  I have an appointment on Wednesday to see my therapist.  I need to make another appointment for my regular doc about doing something with my medications.  Obviously something isn't working well enough right now.  So I'm still working on it.  I need to find my way back to me.