As much as I try to pretend otherwise I still seem to not have my shit together. I'm still working on it and though you wouldn't really know from reading my blog I do have good days. Most days actually are fair to great. However I'm still having bad days and lets face it the bad days are the absolute dregs of how horrible I can feel and during that moment in time it's very difficult to remember the good days or to see any hope for good days in the near future. There are times I sincerely miss being fat. Miss being able to drown myself in a sugary induced haze that for at least a while made me forget all the other shit. Yes I'm aware of how nuts that sounds.
I've continued to see my doctor and I do feel it helps me. I have gained some perspective into why things bug me, the whole OCD and anxiety effect and I can usually keep in mind that the negative feelings I have are a skewed reality. Down side is my doctor is a psychologist and can't do much about my meds. I tried around the first of July to see a psychiatrist and honestly it was a really bad fit. First off her office is hugely over scheduled as in running an hour and a half late both times I went. Second she immediately focused on the fact I'm adopted (the root of my problems of course) and nothing about other very real factors and losses I've dealt with. She also wanted me to jump on the whole law of attraction theory to wellness and while I believe in thinking positive and know that when I dwell on the negative I feel worse I tend to get annoyed by the whole "positive think my way to what I want in life." I truly believe (and some may disagree and that's ok) that there are some things that no amount of positive thinking or belief are going to bring about. At any point I walked out of her office at the second appointment when it was an hour past my appointment time and the person who was scheduled an hour prior to me hadn't been seen yet. I do have another appointment coming up with a different doctor. So fingers crossed that somehow it will work out better and I can find something that will help get my OCD, anxiety and depression under control.
This weekend has been another huge struggle. I've also noticed that nearly all my bad days, negative thoughts and anxiety are related to one thing. My dog. Totally not saying it's the dogs fault. However my reactions to the dog is seriously messed up most of the time and then add in a challenging puppy and it's not a great mix. The biggest issue is that 8 months into her living with me and she still can't live within my schedule. She will not let me sleep. Or she'll let me sleep one day and then not the following days. Since I work nights and sleep during the day it is natural for her to be awake. However I can't just leave her roaming around the house while I sleep because she is so destructive. When I contain her though in the kitchen or in her crate she barks constantly. Plus she can hear me getting out of bed or something as she will stop as soon as I do so therefore I can't spray her with water, shake something loud at her etc to teach that barking isn't acceptable. The only way I've made it through the last couple of months is by sending her somewhere else for the day while I sleep and lets face it, that's hugely expensive and it's also not getting her any closer to understanding that she needs to be calmer or doesn't need to be constantly entertained. I've had a couple of people suggest medication although my vet tends to make light of it in the "she's a puppy who needs a job" perspective. I've tried herbal stuff and medications which haven't slowed her down.
The vet suggested that maybe both of us would be happier if she lived else where. My therapist has suggested that not every dog is a good fit for every person. The trainers I've been working with state she is challenging and something is a little off, possibly from breeding issues as I didn't exactly get her from a reputable breeder. All I know is that I find myself feeling resentful to a dog and then feeling immense amounts of guilt over it. I feel so negatively about myself right now that I feel absolutely worthless. I love dogs. I wanted this dog so bad and now I want very badly to give her to someone else. Which in turn makes me feel even more guilty, like I'm an absolute failure at having a dog and like people I care about will be mad at me or upset with me if I give her up and that those who insinuated that I shouldn't get another dog were right and will be lining up to tell me how badly I fucked up. I feel like maybe it was a good thing I never had children since if I can't handle a puppy how could I handle a child. Every possible negative thought and emotion has rolled through my head in the last couple of months and it sucks.
I've had her for 8 months and I've spent thousands of dollars on her and she still can't live or tolerate living in my schedule. I look at her and she's cute and funny and yet she drives me absolutely batshit crazy and makes me question myself to the point of madness. She knows the obedience commands and training that we've been doing but she only obeys if it suits her. When she does obey (usually only if food is involved) she's fabulous but she is headstrong and stubborn and if she has decided there is nothing in it for her, not much of anything will get her to stop and listen to me. I can't leave her unattended for 10 minutes or she will destroy something. She has to go in her crate for me to take a shower. She destroys most all of the toys I buy her unless they're indestructible (like a Kong) and then she's not interested in it unless it has food. If I stuff the Kong or give her a bone or something to chew on she will have it empty in 5 minutes or so and then she's lost interest. She loves to play with other dogs and does good if she has someone else to play with but I know that my getting a second dog is a seriously bad idea. Since I also don't have a cow on the patio for her to herd, I'm at a loss. I'm out of money and I'm at a point where I'm reluctant to keep spending money. I feel horrible about myself and worry what others will think about me which annoys me even further. I find myself avoiding contact with people because I'm afraid of what they will say. I feel like I want to post a link to this post on FB and then sign off for the next 6 months or so.
I don't know what the answer is, all I know is that I'm tired of feeling like shit.
I've continued to see my doctor and I do feel it helps me. I have gained some perspective into why things bug me, the whole OCD and anxiety effect and I can usually keep in mind that the negative feelings I have are a skewed reality. Down side is my doctor is a psychologist and can't do much about my meds. I tried around the first of July to see a psychiatrist and honestly it was a really bad fit. First off her office is hugely over scheduled as in running an hour and a half late both times I went. Second she immediately focused on the fact I'm adopted (the root of my problems of course) and nothing about other very real factors and losses I've dealt with. She also wanted me to jump on the whole law of attraction theory to wellness and while I believe in thinking positive and know that when I dwell on the negative I feel worse I tend to get annoyed by the whole "positive think my way to what I want in life." I truly believe (and some may disagree and that's ok) that there are some things that no amount of positive thinking or belief are going to bring about. At any point I walked out of her office at the second appointment when it was an hour past my appointment time and the person who was scheduled an hour prior to me hadn't been seen yet. I do have another appointment coming up with a different doctor. So fingers crossed that somehow it will work out better and I can find something that will help get my OCD, anxiety and depression under control.
This weekend has been another huge struggle. I've also noticed that nearly all my bad days, negative thoughts and anxiety are related to one thing. My dog. Totally not saying it's the dogs fault. However my reactions to the dog is seriously messed up most of the time and then add in a challenging puppy and it's not a great mix. The biggest issue is that 8 months into her living with me and she still can't live within my schedule. She will not let me sleep. Or she'll let me sleep one day and then not the following days. Since I work nights and sleep during the day it is natural for her to be awake. However I can't just leave her roaming around the house while I sleep because she is so destructive. When I contain her though in the kitchen or in her crate she barks constantly. Plus she can hear me getting out of bed or something as she will stop as soon as I do so therefore I can't spray her with water, shake something loud at her etc to teach that barking isn't acceptable. The only way I've made it through the last couple of months is by sending her somewhere else for the day while I sleep and lets face it, that's hugely expensive and it's also not getting her any closer to understanding that she needs to be calmer or doesn't need to be constantly entertained. I've had a couple of people suggest medication although my vet tends to make light of it in the "she's a puppy who needs a job" perspective. I've tried herbal stuff and medications which haven't slowed her down.
The vet suggested that maybe both of us would be happier if she lived else where. My therapist has suggested that not every dog is a good fit for every person. The trainers I've been working with state she is challenging and something is a little off, possibly from breeding issues as I didn't exactly get her from a reputable breeder. All I know is that I find myself feeling resentful to a dog and then feeling immense amounts of guilt over it. I feel so negatively about myself right now that I feel absolutely worthless. I love dogs. I wanted this dog so bad and now I want very badly to give her to someone else. Which in turn makes me feel even more guilty, like I'm an absolute failure at having a dog and like people I care about will be mad at me or upset with me if I give her up and that those who insinuated that I shouldn't get another dog were right and will be lining up to tell me how badly I fucked up. I feel like maybe it was a good thing I never had children since if I can't handle a puppy how could I handle a child. Every possible negative thought and emotion has rolled through my head in the last couple of months and it sucks.
I've had her for 8 months and I've spent thousands of dollars on her and she still can't live or tolerate living in my schedule. I look at her and she's cute and funny and yet she drives me absolutely batshit crazy and makes me question myself to the point of madness. She knows the obedience commands and training that we've been doing but she only obeys if it suits her. When she does obey (usually only if food is involved) she's fabulous but she is headstrong and stubborn and if she has decided there is nothing in it for her, not much of anything will get her to stop and listen to me. I can't leave her unattended for 10 minutes or she will destroy something. She has to go in her crate for me to take a shower. She destroys most all of the toys I buy her unless they're indestructible (like a Kong) and then she's not interested in it unless it has food. If I stuff the Kong or give her a bone or something to chew on she will have it empty in 5 minutes or so and then she's lost interest. She loves to play with other dogs and does good if she has someone else to play with but I know that my getting a second dog is a seriously bad idea. Since I also don't have a cow on the patio for her to herd, I'm at a loss. I'm out of money and I'm at a point where I'm reluctant to keep spending money. I feel horrible about myself and worry what others will think about me which annoys me even further. I find myself avoiding contact with people because I'm afraid of what they will say. I feel like I want to post a link to this post on FB and then sign off for the next 6 months or so.
I don't know what the answer is, all I know is that I'm tired of feeling like shit.
6 comments:
Don't be so hard on yourself. My parents, who actually live on a dairy farm, have had two herding dog who were similar to this even though they were given plenty of exercise and room to run. Sounds to me like it would be an act of love to both you and the dog if she were given to a different home. You've given it every chance now give yourself a break.
I agree with Paige. You've tried everything you can and NEITHER of you are happy.
A dog is NOT a child. You gave it everything and it didn't work out. It's okay to say Uncle.
Especially since you are struggling so much, not just with the dog. You deserve to be happy.
Oh sweetie. I wish I could give you the biggest hug. I agree with the other posters. You're too hard on yourself. I know that doesn't help though when you're feeling the way you do. I'm always here for you. ((HUGS))
Hi,
Just a thought that I'm sure you have already pondered but would it be possible for you to shift to days? I also am an RN and my life changed in a great way when I moved to days. Just to see the sun come up when I got up was amazing.
Anyway, I hope it all works out for you.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
Omg when I found out I couldn't have kids my mom went out and bought me a puppy. It didn't work and I think years later, you are the only person that understands how I felt. Exactly.
Thanks for sharing this.
So sorry that you could not make timings work w/your puppy - believe me, I face the consequences of these decisions EVERY SINGLE DAY of my working life!
When I have a lil' more time, I need to add to my own onerous saga: "The Sad Story of Curtis" (ha, my poor neglected blog!)
I also empathize w/your search for the right fit w/yr dr - I finally gave up after several mismatches & have vowed to manage my depression & PTSD the best I can through nutrition & exercise... Doctor, heal thyself indeed!
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