Scroogy

I'm feeling rather blah this week. I love the holidays. I love decorating and making things to give away.  However I also tend to feel more lonely around the holidays than usual.  Most of the time I'm good.  I know I'm blessed and I have a lot in life to feel thankful for.  Yet this time of year I find myself fantasizing about being a part of big holiday gatherings with people I love.  Fantasize about belonging.  Yet at this time of year it also seems so far out of reach.  The lack of any real family and all of my close friends being so far away just makes me feel so much more lonely than usual. 
I'm aware that even if I lived closer to my chosen family I likely wouldn't get to spend a lot of holiday time with them.  First off I'm a nurse and my job is such that I usually get one of the winter holidays off.  Second most of my chosen family have other family engagements that while I would likely be welcome I wouldn't necessarily be comfortable.  I have this weird thing about spending holidays with people I don't know.  It almost makes me feel more lonely. 
I love living in California.  I really do.  However this time of year I find myself wishing for more.  Not sure even exactly what.  Just more.