Strange Year

Christmas is over.  New Years is just days away.  All of this in what has been the strangest year I can recall.  This year has been full of so many conflicting emotions which often left me hanging by a thread of sanity wondering how I would get through. 
My depression has been a lot worse this last year than it has been or than I have acknowledged it has been for a while. It's been a year of crazy ups and bottomless lows which often left me doubting my sanity, my thoughts, actions, and everything in between. Therapy has helped although it has also opened up some old wounds I've been determined to ignore.  Wounds that are making it clear they won't be ignored any longer. 
I have so many conflicting feelings and emotions about so many things that I've tried to muddle through the last year.  Things like desperately wanting a dog and loving my dog to pieces and yet sometimes hating having her around disrupting my life and then the decision to let her go to someone more equipped to deal with her. I know to some it may seem like a small thing.  Yet for months I made myself crazy over her, second guessing every thought, feeling and action and what others thought about my thoughts and actions regarding her. 
It's been a year of myself having a very difficult time settling down to activities and tasks and frustration that past self calming methods didn't work.  I was diagnosed with ADHD this year which is a weird thing as an adult.  Stranger is the fact that all through childhood I found ways to deal with, manage and excel inspite of this and yet as an adult it's been so fucking hard. I've always used reading as a favored way of self calming, stepping outside of myself and dealing with depression and likely the ADHD. This year that failed to work for me, leaving feeling adrift without a way to maneuver my life.  This year I have had a very difficult time focusing on books, or most books.  I haven't been able to become involved in most books or stay with plots etc long enough to get past the first few chapters, let alone finish the book. Strangely the only books that haven't fit into this and the only books I've been able to consistently read and stick with is Harry Potter.  It's crazy how many times I've read Harry Potter this year.  CRAZY!  I feel like I might be finally moving past this as I've finished 3 books this week and loved it. 
However I'm aware that I still need to work on other things like school to ensure that I will still have a career in 10 years as an RN.  School frustrates and annoys me on so many levels.  I hate spending the money on it and the time.  Yet I know I need to finish my bachelors degree, even if I truly don't want to.
I still need to work on planting roots in my life.  I've struggled this year with both feeling lonely, being in California by myself and yet also feeling as if I'm truly home.  Even with the heat in Fresno I can truly say I love living here.  I wish I had chosen family closer but I love it here and outside of maybe moving more coastal (which may never happen and is ok) I can't imagine moving.  Can't say I never will but it would be a difficult decision to leave.
I've struggled with the realization that my life has turned out nothing like what I had hoped or expected it to turn out.  I've grieved not having children and evicted my uterus partially to stop the waffling back and forth about trying again or wondering if it could happen.  I don't regret the hysterectomy.  Truly this last year of no periods has been fabulous.  Yet it was a very firm slamming of a door.
I spent a lot of time wondering and trying to figure out what I believe in.  Feeling as if I was or would be judged for my beliefs and how they differ from other peoples.  I still have a hard time with reconciling people who I consider friends having beliefs that are so much in opposition to things I believe very strongly in. I experience a lot of fear in the idea of allowing people to see what feels like the real me and being shunned.  Where do I draw that line of being myself and being true to what I really believe in and yet forcing those beliefs on others in a manner to make them choose whether or not to be in my life.

I've had frustrations that I'm still trying to dig my finances out of the whole created by infertility and student loans (yet another reason spending money on further education frustrates me), that I allowed myself to get into this situation and that for now the plans I want to make for my future still seem so far away.

I guess the overwhelming feelings this year were anxiety, sadness and frustration. Here's to hoping 2014 goes better.

Scroogy

I'm feeling rather blah this week. I love the holidays. I love decorating and making things to give away.  However I also tend to feel more lonely around the holidays than usual.  Most of the time I'm good.  I know I'm blessed and I have a lot in life to feel thankful for.  Yet this time of year I find myself fantasizing about being a part of big holiday gatherings with people I love.  Fantasize about belonging.  Yet at this time of year it also seems so far out of reach.  The lack of any real family and all of my close friends being so far away just makes me feel so much more lonely than usual. 
I'm aware that even if I lived closer to my chosen family I likely wouldn't get to spend a lot of holiday time with them.  First off I'm a nurse and my job is such that I usually get one of the winter holidays off.  Second most of my chosen family have other family engagements that while I would likely be welcome I wouldn't necessarily be comfortable.  I have this weird thing about spending holidays with people I don't know.  It almost makes me feel more lonely. 
I love living in California.  I really do.  However this time of year I find myself wishing for more.  Not sure even exactly what.  Just more.

Pet Peeves

I will admit that I probably have way to many pet peeves to name. Or at least too many to name all at one time without sounding like a total cranky bitch.  One though in particular has been grating on me and at first I couldn't figure out why it bugged me really but I finally figured it out. 
I will preface this by saying that I am very much non-religious and have been for a long time and honestly don't consider myself Christian. Hope that doesn't offend too many people (or the few who are still out there) but for various reason I don't. I will also say I don't have a problem at all with the phrase Merry Christmas.  I say it frequently this time of year.  I love decorating for Christmas and baking etc, I refer to it as Christmas. I also don't necessarily see the holiday as the total all Christian holiday (many of the traditions have pagan origins and those traditions have been adopted as part of the Christian holiday), I know many others do and that's fine.  It doesn't bother me if other people disagree with me or believe differently, we all have that right, or most all.  However the last week or two I keep seeing a picture thing pop on FB from various friends that states "I hear it's offensive to say Merry Christmas? Well if it bothers you then... Merry Christmas again."  So if it bothers someone you're going to say it again just to make sure that you have really offended them?  I'm sorry, does this really sound like a Christian value? I am aware that there has been some input from people to separate church and state that has led to a movement in the direction of removing some of the more religious traditions from schools, government or what ever.  I will also say there are probably those that are just obnoxious and will say it is offensive just to cause drama.  I can also say that even back when I was a kid and didn't celebrate Christmas (wasn't allowed to) if someone said Merry Christmas to me I wasn't offended and usually simply replied with a thank you.
How about a different perspective.  I swear. Often more than I should although I try to keep it to a minimum at work.  However suppose I said Fuck at work.  A co worker hears this and says "you know, I find that word, language offensive."  So I turn around and say Fuck again and I'm standing up for my right to say Fuck as often as I want?
I don't know.  Maybe it's the attitude. It just seems argumentative and rude.  Not kind or anything like what Christmas and Christians are supposed to be like. 

And One More Time

I did get registered for a statistics class here in Fresno to the amount of $204.00.  I think I wish I had just went that way to begin with.  This will be my third attempt at statistics and by the time I'm done this damn class will have cost me close to $2000.  Crap.  I'm also going to likely end up taking my other classes at the same time through the university I've been working through.  Still not sure I'm super impressed with their program but I have no desire to go elsewhere and start over.  Hell, I don't even really have a desire to finish except looking at other NICU jobs around the state most of them state you need a BSN to apply.  So if I can manage the two classes at a time without wanting to rip my hair out (hey, homework seriously cuts into my quilting time!) from January through May I might still manage to graduate in October.  I'm thinking a trip to Disneyland at Halloween might be my treat to myself for finishing. 
Interestingly in talking about this, potential moves in the future etc with my therapist when I really stop to look at what I'm looking for or wanting, I think I may end up staying in Fresno.  I feel at home here.  Granted I don't love the heat in the summer but I manage. I could afford to buy a home here.  I could maybe even afford to work less hours here and buy a home if I budget well.  So after I finish paying for my cheapest I can find school stuff I guess I need to start saving for a down payment on something to call my own.

Now What

I really should post here more often.  On my last post I stated I was going to stay off FB for like 5 days and I think I made it 4.  I also ended up flunking the statistics test.  I walked in to the test and seriously had no idea how to answer any of it.  I left 90% of the test blank.  I knew from the beginning an online math class would be a challenge for me but I thought I could do it.  I also knew that even though I was getting the correct answers on most of the problems at least at first I didn't know how I was getting the correct answers and that it may catch up with me eventually.  Yes, it did. 
Did I put my absolute best effort into the class? Probably not but the class was not a great set up for learning.  The teacher essentially did not teach.  We had an e-textbook and class material that was put together by the publishers of the e-textbook.  The book had audio examples throughout that "explained" how to do the problems.  Most of those explanations included "use technology to figure out this problem, we'll use statkey."  Statkey was an online program where they had the data already listed in and it would compute stuff automatically.  Problem was we couldn't use statkey in the exams.  We had a calculator that had a 319 page instruction manual.  For the most part the book never did show or teach the formulas or equations for figuring out the answers so there was no way to really figure out how to do the problems manually.  Then the tests looked nothing like the homework assignments. 
So overall I'm hugely unimpressed with this class and it's made me look a bit more at the program as a whole.  The RN to BSN program I chose was the cheapest and required the least amount of extra class work.  Right now it feels a bit like the saying you get what you pay for is very true.  I've talked to others who are doing online programs and they have a lot more direction than what I've had so far with mine.  Down side is that they are also paying considerably more money than I am.  I'm not in a position where I can take out further student loans right now and I'm not sure I want to.  I hate the idea of going into debt and paying close to $20,000 for a bachelors degree that for the most part isn't going to affect my current job at all. My biggest reason for deciding to get my bachelors degree was that I figured at some point down the road I would  need it.  I still think that is possibly true although I know that I have no intention of going into management and really don't have any desire to become a nurse practitioner either.  I know though that there is a big push for all RN's to have a bachelors degree although its a long ways from requiring it.
So I don't really know what I'm going to do.  Right now I'm trying to get registered for a statistics class here in Fresno at a community college where I have an actual class to go to.  I've been told that it might be a slim chance I will actually get into a class.  I've looked at a few of the other programs and probably need to request more info.  I also still have the option of finishing with the current program and just having my statistics grade transferred in when it's done.  Either way it's all frustrating. 

Venting and Time For a Break

I've posted several times lately about having my feelings hurt or being disappointed by something seen on FB.  I will openly admit that I have a sort of love hate relationship with FB.  I love that it allows me to have some contact with people I probably wouldn't talk to much otherwise.  Friends from my past or relatives that I don't see often or routinely call etc.  On the flip side I get tired of the snarky stuff that is supposed to be funny that really isn't and the not so nice method of sharing ones beliefs about various things, not to mention the fear of sharing certain parts of my life and being judged because of those parts of my life (for instance the whole Lily and the rehoming of Lily).  
So this afternoon knowing it wasn't a good idea and that I was much better off to just move on and say nothing I posted a reply to one of those "Some e-cards" on FB that tried to point out that maybe having a bit of empathy for others or not making a snap judgement about someone based on what little you see of them in a grocery store line could be an ok thing.  Of course someone I didn't know responded and then responded to my response and got sort of nasty.  Yes I know better.  I know that everyone has their own beliefs and it's better to just move on. Logically I know this.  Logically I try not to be annoyed with people I know who "like" a status or some e-card or picture that has a different view than my own.  I know that there are likely many things that I "like" on FB and maybe some things that I even share on FB (I often will like a status that I agree with that may be controversial but am a lot less likely to click on share for that same status) that others disagree with or are even offended by.  I hope that if someone were to reply to something in a respectful manner (I thought I did) that myself and others could just agree to disagree if they can't honestly see the other persons perspective. 
I do not claim to be perfect or to have never made a mistake in judging someone else or saying or sharing something that was offensive to someone else.  There are times that I know I'm being judgemental of others but I am honestly trying to work on doing this less as I know how much it bothers me to feel like I'm being judged.  In my efforts to become a more empathetic person and a person that I can feel comfortable being, I'm trying to stop judging others and to look at why I catch myself feeling judgemental towards others.  Sort of that thing that we dislike in others what we dislike in ourselves? Again.  I'm so not perfect with this.  I've got a lot of work to do. 
Another down side to FB or at least for me is that I spend or waste a huge amount of time on it.  Even if I'm not posting things very often I find myself spending a ridiculous amount of time lurking on FB seeing what others are doing etc.  I cringe to think of totaling up all the hours I've spent on there recently while trying to avoid homework.  So in the interest of my sanity and my desire to pass my next statistics test (and hopefully the class as well, which yes there is some doubt to) I'm setting myself a goal. A goal to step away from FB until at least next Wednesday.  Not even a whole week but hey, baby steps.  My test is on Tuesday and lets see if I can give it a break to quit wasting time and to step away from the crazy for a bit. 

Sewing

It occurred to me this morning that those who read here but don't know me on Facebook haven't seen my latest creations.  So I thought I should post some pictures here of my latest activities.  Now most of these aren't totally done. I still need to learn how to do free motion quilting on my machine (oh how I would love to have my very own long arm quilting machine) but this is what I've got so far. 

First is the cat quilt I just finished the top today.

Next is a pirate baby blanket I made for a friend.

My absolute all time favorite so far. I still need to put the binding on and some embellishments. I did all the piecing and appliqué of the quilt top on this but I did send it off to be professionally quilted by someone else. It's hard to tell in this picture but she did a phenomenal job on it.

This is my blessings of spring quilt and while not all the fabrics were my favorite, I like the overall finished project. There are also 3 other similar season quilts I'm going to be working on soon that tie in with this pattern.

I will admit that most of these except the baby blanket are kits I've purchased and then put together and not totally my own creations.  I have lots of fun though making them. 

Homebody

I've come to another realization lately.  I sort of started earlier this summer when I was considering going out of town around my birthday.  I felt like I didn't really have money to go out of town, find someone to take care of all the fur babies and have spending money for a trip.  Yet I turned around a few days later and bought a new sewing machine.  It was pointed out to me that for what I paid for the new machine I could have taken a trip and the person stating this was right.  My response was why spend money taking a trip by myself when I could instead buy my new sewing machine and get a lot of satisfaction from having it and the things I could make with it. 
It's not that I have a problem with taking trips by myself as I've done it quite a bit before and am contemplating another one this winter.  I can entertain myself pretty good even in a place I've never been to before although I'm not really one for tour groups and making tons of plans ahead of time etc.  I tend to just wing it a bit and go with what I feel like doing on any particular day. 
This past week though I went to Washington.  I had a good time and got to spend some time with people I love and not spend time working or doing homework.  Yes I totally ignored homework for the week which was lovely.  What I noticed was that leading up to the trip I was excited and had in my mind things I wanted to do.  The first couple of days I was there I had a great time even though I wasn't really doing anything "special".  However by the 4th day away from home I started to get anxious.  I started to feel overwhelmingly that I wanted to be home.  I worried about my cats, what if something happened to them. Worried about my house.  Just anxious.  It was pointed out to me that I was quieter than the previous days and the only reason was this anxiety.
I don't really know what the answer is to this other than keeping any trips I make relatively short or just having someone stay at my house (which in the past has helped with longer trips).  It however makes me aware that I tend to be more at home and comfortable in my usual space and that as much as there are places I'd like to see, I'm also very content to spend the majority of my time at home. I'm not entirely sure if this is a good thing that I can just accept about myself or if it's something I should work on changing.  In the here and now, I'm planning some shorter trips this fall, mostly just day trips or trips lasting maybe 2-3 nights.  That and plenty of time for my sewing machine at home. 

Maybe Better?

Overall my depression seems to definitely be improving. I'm a little worried or afraid of another emotional pit but I'm also trying to just leave that thought out in the wind a bit and give it a wait and see attitude, taking each day as it comes.  Usually easier said than done but all of life is a work in progress.
I have definitely felt a lot better since Lily is gone.  Not that it was Lily's fault.  It wasn't.  She's a dog.  I think it was my reactions to her and negative self talk where she was concerned.  I spent a lot of time thinking very negatively about myself while I had her for many reasons, most of which were feeling like I wasn't good enough for a dog, or that dog or whatever.  I don't know why it was so bad other than I had such high hopes for a great relationship more like what I had with Sadie. I thought by getting a puppy I'd surpass the problems that might be encountered by adopting a dog from the shelter where it may have been abused etc.  I didn't realize how many other factors could play a part in temperament or behavior.  I'm not sure if it would have made a difference if I had chose a corgi from another breeder, or if it's just a corgi's nature or what. I'm tired of analyzing it though and feeling bad.  For now I'm enjoying my cats (although dear lord I wish Sara would use a litter box).  When I come home from work in the morning I see them jump out of the window when they hear the garage door open and they are waiting in the laundry room for me when I come in. They are more than happy to let me sleep all day and will often join me which is nice too.
The new job is going pretty good.  I was a little worried about anxiety in caring for these so very small patients but so far the anxiety I've had has been a normal expected level of anxiety.  I think there would be something wrong if I felt no anxiety but it's not paralyzing.  I know that in my life I'm in a much different place than I was the last time I tried working NICU.  I'm more confident as a nurse and in my ability to know what needs to be done and to ask for help when I need it.  I have managed in 6 weeks so much more than I managed in 10 months the last time I worked NICU.  I've cared for babies on ventilators, with arterial lines, and a lot of other stuff.  I know that I still have a long ways to go before I'm completely confident but I also believe I can do it. 

Better

Many thanks to everyone for the words of comfort. I did appreciate it. I ended up giving Lily away on Monday. It was a very hard decision but I believe it was the right one.  The person who took her is the manager of the doggy daycare I had been taking her too so she knew Lily. She had also kept Lily overnight for me once so she knew that Lily and her dog got along great and that was a very good thing for her as her dog had been fearful of other dogs in the past.  In addition to that she takes her dogs to work with her every day.  I stopped in this morning to drop off Lily's vet records and Lily got excited to see me but would not focus on one thing and stay focused. It's hard to explain but it felt even more clear to me I'd made the right decision.  I've been able to sleep this week and not feel drained when I go to work which considering that I'm orienting to NICU and therefore taking care of very sick patients is an awesome thing. When I'm at work I need to be fully there and focused, not wiped out from lack of sleep. 

Failure

As much as I try to pretend otherwise I still seem to not have my shit together.  I'm still working on it and though you wouldn't really know from reading my blog I do have good days.  Most days actually are fair to great.  However I'm still having bad days and lets face it the bad days are the absolute dregs of how horrible I can feel and during that moment in time it's very difficult to remember the good days or to see any hope for good days in the near future.  There are times I sincerely miss being fat.  Miss being able to drown myself in a sugary induced haze that for at least a while made me forget all the other shit. Yes I'm aware of how nuts that sounds. 
I've continued to see my doctor and I do feel it helps me.  I have gained some perspective into why things bug me, the whole OCD and anxiety effect and I can usually keep in mind that the negative feelings I have are a skewed reality.  Down side is my doctor is a psychologist and can't do much about my meds.  I tried around the first of July to see a psychiatrist and honestly it was a really bad fit. First off her office is hugely over scheduled as in running an hour and a half late both times I went.  Second she immediately focused on the fact I'm adopted (the root of my problems of course) and nothing about other very real factors and losses I've dealt with.  She also wanted me to jump on the whole law of attraction theory to wellness and while I believe in thinking positive and know that when I dwell on the negative I feel worse I tend to get annoyed by the whole "positive think my way to what I want in life."  I truly believe (and some may disagree and that's ok) that there are some things that no amount of positive thinking or belief are going to bring about.  At any point I walked out of her office at the second appointment when it was an hour past my appointment time and the person who was scheduled an hour prior to me hadn't been seen yet.  I do have another appointment coming up with a different doctor. So fingers crossed that somehow it will work out better and I can find something that will help get my OCD, anxiety and depression under control. 
This weekend has been another huge struggle.  I've also noticed that nearly all my bad days, negative thoughts and anxiety are related to one thing.  My dog. Totally not saying it's the dogs fault.  However my reactions to the dog is seriously messed up most of the time and then add in a challenging puppy and it's not a great mix.  The biggest issue is that 8 months into her living with me and she still can't live within my schedule.  She will not let me sleep.  Or she'll let me sleep one day and then not the following days.  Since I work nights and sleep during the day it is natural for her to be awake. However I can't just leave her roaming around the house while I sleep because she is so destructive. When I contain her though in the kitchen or in her crate she barks constantly.  Plus she can hear me getting out of bed or something as she will stop as soon as I do so therefore I can't spray her with water, shake something loud at her etc to teach that barking isn't acceptable.  The only way I've made it through the last couple of months is by sending her somewhere else for the day while I sleep and lets face it, that's hugely expensive and it's also not getting her any closer to understanding that she needs to be calmer or doesn't need to be constantly entertained. I've had a couple of people suggest medication although my vet tends to make light of it in the "she's a puppy who needs a job" perspective.  I've tried herbal stuff and medications which haven't slowed her down.
The vet suggested that maybe both of us would be happier if she lived else where.  My therapist has suggested that not every dog is a good fit for every person.  The trainers I've been working with state she is challenging and something is a little off, possibly from breeding issues as I didn't exactly get her from a reputable breeder.  All I know is that I find myself feeling resentful to a dog and then feeling immense amounts of guilt over it.  I feel so negatively about myself right now that I feel absolutely worthless.  I love dogs.  I wanted this dog so bad and now I want very badly to give her to someone else.  Which in turn makes me feel even more guilty, like I'm an absolute failure at having a dog and like people I care about will be mad at me or upset with me if I give her up and that those who insinuated that I shouldn't get another dog were right and will be lining up to tell me how badly I fucked up.  I feel like maybe it was a good thing I never had children since if I can't handle a puppy how could I handle a child. Every possible negative thought and emotion has rolled through my head in the last couple of months and it sucks.
I've had her for 8 months and I've spent thousands of dollars on her and she still can't live or tolerate living in my schedule.  I look at her and she's cute and funny and yet she drives me absolutely batshit crazy and makes me question myself to the point of madness.  She knows the obedience commands and training that we've been doing but she only obeys if it suits her.  When she does obey (usually only if food is involved) she's fabulous but she is headstrong and stubborn and if she has decided there is nothing in it for her, not much of anything will get her to stop and listen to me.  I can't leave her unattended for 10 minutes or she will destroy something.  She has to go in her crate for me to take a shower.  She destroys most all of the toys I buy her unless they're indestructible (like a Kong) and then she's not interested in it unless it has food. If I stuff the Kong or give her a bone or something to chew on she will have it empty in 5 minutes or so and then she's lost interest.  She loves to play with other dogs and does good if she has someone else to play with but I know that my getting a second dog is a seriously bad idea.  Since I also don't have a cow on the patio for her to herd, I'm at a loss. I'm out of money and I'm at a point where I'm reluctant to keep spending money. I feel horrible about myself and worry what others will think about me which annoys me even further.  I find myself avoiding contact with people because I'm afraid of what they will say.  I feel like I want to post a link to this post on FB and then sign off for the next 6 months or so.
I don't know what the answer is, all I know is that  I'm tired of feeling like shit.

Feelings

It's been a pretty rough weekend. I'm doing better now but Friday evening I was a wreck and all I could do was sit and cry non stop. I've been doing that a lot more often lately and its really not very enjoyable.  Once again everything felt larger than it really was and things that were said as encouragement or advice felt more like criticism and judgment or options that were not possible at this moment in time. This is what I wrote on Friday and I briefly published it, then pulled it again.  Looking at it tonight so much of it still feels real: 
So many feelings.  I feel like I'm failing so many no matter how hard I try, most of all myself.  So overwhelmed.  I'm tired and I want to go to bed but my brain won't stop talking at me. The stuff I mentioned in my last post still seems amplified to the point of madness.  Things that are said likely as encouragement feel more like judgement and criticism.  I find myself wanting to hide from everyone and yet craving some sort of connection or for someone to see the real me.  Sometimes I'd like to sign off FB completely but know I would likely end up going days without talking to anyone.  I'm empty and full at the same time.  I'm emotionally depleted.  I feel like I'm unraveling.  I know my depression isn't managed but I'm not entirely sure how to get it managed, what added medication or combination of medications is the path back to me.  Therapy helps but it feels so slow sometimes. Or it feels like I'm good there, but after a few days I start falling apart again.  Tonight I'm just trying to keep my head above water and hold out for my next appointment which is Wednesday. 

Right now the urgency of that moment has passed.  Friday night the advice ranged from crate training to suggestions for toys to being told I need to get rid of that dog right now.  Logically I know that the advice is well meant.  However when your thought process has a hard time sticking to the logical perspective it can all feel pretty damn overwhelming.  Saturday Lily spent most of the day in the kitchen and I took a break from my dog.  Today I spent an hour on the phone with a dog trainer who will be leading the obedience classes I start with Lily in July. I got some ideas for the here and now, I got some reinforcement that what I'm doing is the right idea, some encouragement.  Today we had a good day and I'm hoping for a good night.  
 I'm fully aware that Lily isn't the problem.  She's a puppy.  A very energetic puppy, but a puppy.  She is a product of what training she has gotten.  Honestly I've never really had to train a puppy.  Sadie was pretty much good from the start, not destructive, house trained etc (at the age Lily is now) and was so easy.  Lily is a challenge.  I've also taught her (unintentionally) that certain behaviors get a reaction.  So we're both working on learning.  I'm also working to give myself time off.  When she was younger I was so intent on keeping her busy so that she would let me sleep that I sort of taught her that she needed constant stimulation or interaction. Needless to say she's really over whelming.  That on top of my continued depression and I frequently feel like I'm coming apart at the seems.  I have an appointment on Wednesday to see my therapist.  I need to make another appointment for my regular doc about doing something with my medications.  Obviously something isn't working well enough right now.  So I'm still working on it.  I need to find my way back to me.  

Friends

Lately I feel like I'm living my life in a fish bowl, everything on display for the whole world to see.  It's unnerving and uncomfortable.  There are things I find myself wanting to share with some people but not all and yet finding I share with more than I would like to.  I know a lot of this is of my own doing.  FB can be a great thing, allowing you to maintain contact with people you may otherwise lose contact with but it also can have down sides. Mel posted about "social media turning up the volume" and I find myself really feeling that first part tonight.  Basically I guess things were said at work by people I thought were my friends who I guess maybe they aren't really.  This led to me unfriending everyone I worked with in order for me to feel "safe" on FB and a few others who I truly feel like I no longer have anything in common with.  Some of those I had sort of wanted to unfriend sooner so it was a relief.  Overall though it still felt like a betrayal in some ways.
I think I have a difficult time interpreting who really is a friend and who is just more of an acquaintance.  I find myself thinking of many people as friends and then being surprised and hurt when something happens.  I don't know why I end up feeling so surprised though when in many cases these are people I only know in one space and people who truly don't know me and I suspect wouldn't maybe like me much if they did truly know me. 

Hello Again

Yes I know.  I post so rarely here. It's not for lack of things to say really.  Just lack of time and difficulty putting things down in writing.  Plus with weekly therapy I've been getting a lot of the stuff on my mind out there and less need to vent here.  I know, this would be cheaper but the therapy does feel like it's helping some.  Or at least I think it is. 

Clothes

So doing something here I've never done before but it seemed like a nice opportunity.  For those not interested in scrubs, I apologize. 
Since I had surgery in December I've had a hard time finding pants that fit me.  I still have larger thighs but a flatter stomach and so it hasn't been easy.  A month or so ago I received an offer from Uniformed Scrubs to try out and review a pair of their Dickies Scrub pants.  Since I've bought a bunch of new pants lately that have fit only so so at best I jumped at the chance to try a different brand at no cost to me. 
I was given a size chart to determine what size I needed to order which according to my measurements would be a size XL.  This seemed a little strange to me as I was buying size large in all the other styles and brands I had bought but I went ahead and requested the XL pants.  The shipping of the pants was quick and they arrived within a couple of days.  I was disappointed to find that the size was way off.  The XL was much too big on me.  After another couple of e-mails I returned those pants (I forgot to include the packing slip) and requested a size large instead.  The return took a little longer but I'm guessing that was my fault since I had forgotten the packing slip in sending the pair back.  I'm sure someone wondered why they were getting a pair of pants sent back with no notes etc.  However once the new pair shipped they again arrived to my mail box fairly quickly.  The size large did seem to fit better although I could have possibly even went down to a size Medium as they do run big.  The Dickies pants themselves are well made, the fabric is nice and soft and they seem to be pretty durable.  They wash up nicely too which is a plus.  I detest ironing stuff and I like stuff I can pull out of the dryer and just hang up which these fit that very well. 
As for how they fit my body, not as well although that's not unusual lately.  I tend to have a hard time lately with draw string waist pants (they all want to fall off or at least pretty far down and show off my back side and underwear) and these were a draw string waist pants.  In the past I never had an issue with draw string waists since I had a roll of fat/skin to stop them from falling but they just don't work as well for me lately unless I get them fairly snug fitting so they can't fall.  These were a little looser as I don't love stuff that fits to tight and they did fall quite a bit.  Again I think this is largely related to my body shape and not the pants. 
Overall I was pleased with Uniformed Scrubs and the pants were a good quality pant that would hold up to heavy use. To anyone else who is interested in ordering from them they've given me a coupon code I could offer to readers if they'd like to order.  So if you'd like to order some new scrubs at a bit of a discount just use the code 15pbrm. 

Disclosure: Uniformed Scrubs sent me a product for the purpose of reviewing it and I'm not being compensated in any other way for this. All opinions within this post are mine.  
 

Night Owl

I've worked night shift now for most of my 7.5 years as a nurse.  Most of the time I've figured I would always work night shift as I tend to be more of a night person or find it easier to stay up late than get up early.  I have no desire to work the floor or do bed side care on a day shift.  I did work a day shift doing pre-op education for about a year and a half but at the time I felt like I was forced into the position by a hostile work environment that I needed to get out of and no where else to go.  In addition to that I took a huge pay cut to change positions.  That all left me feeling dissatisfied after a while with the position. 
Last year my decision to work on my BSN was partially motivated by knowledge that in the future I may decide to live somewhere other than Fresno where a BSN might mean the difference between landing a job and not.  There was some consideration also though that continuing to bedside care was not really feasible as a long term option for me.  I figure I've got close to 30 years before I can retire and looking at my chronic pain levels now, I'm aware that my body isn't likely up to be doing this same thing 30 years from now.  My time off that I took for my surgery illuminated even more so the effect that my job is having on my body, especially the night shift part of it. 
Since I've been back to work my sleep has been less than optimal.  Granted prior to my surgery I slept a lot and probably often too much but I always felt tired and there was nothing standing in my way of spending 14 hours in bed sleeping.  Now with a puppy who doesn't understand why we're not playing in the daylight that hasn't been an option.  Hopefully that will improve some with time but so far I haven't gotten more than 4-5 hours (and those hours have been interrupted like every 2 or so) during the day since I've been back to work.  I sleep fine at night although I've been getting up rather early (and managing it fine really) on my days off.  Also so far I've only done 2 nights in a row which I don't love doing as it splits my days off up too much and I feel like I'm constantly flipping back and forth from days to nights which is also having a pretty negative effect on me.  All of it has drastically increased my pain levels which has left me bitchy and whiny.  Not a great combination. 
Since I've been back to work now for the first time I find myself wishing for or considering a day shift position.  I'm just not sure what.  If I were to go to an 8 hour day shift it would again be a big pay cut.  Not as big as a few years ago but still big.  Plus its only having 2 days a week off which when I worked pre-op I didn't like.  Now though that is sounding really good and I'm wondering how I can make it work to lose around $500 a month take home.  Yet I'm afraid of making the change and then not liking it.  Again that whole fear of decision making.  I'm afraid of making the wrong decision.  I don't think I can change positions for about 3 to 4 months still as I had transferred into the nursery prior to going out on leave and they want you to do 6 months in a position before changing.  Also I don't know that my manager would let me leave our department (unless I left the hospital completely) at this point as we still have a lot of people out and are short enough that we're all having to take mandatory on call shifts (I HATE this!).  I guess the 6 month waiting period makes me slow down and consider if I'm making a good decision but I'm thinking my days on night shift are numbered. 

Expectations Of Perfection

Decision Making

For a long time I've struggled with making decisions.  Any decisions are difficult but the big ones are the hardest.  I second guess myself, doubt myself and basically expect the worst to happen regardless of what path I choose.  I'm working on learning how to trust myself more and to not expect perfection from myself.  Right now though it's still difficult sometimes.
My big decision now is the school thing.  I know that at some point down the road I will need my BSN.  I know that I've found a reasonably priced program and I should work on it.  The problem is that I seriously don't want to. I hate school.  A lot more than I used to.  Partially because it doesn't mean more money etc.  I just know that I likely won't be working as a floor nurse forever and many of the paths that interest me require a BSN.  Right now though my head is not in the game basically and I have no desire to take the classes.  Factor in a lack of funds since I'm paying for all of this myself out of pocket when saving money isn't my strong point and it's even more of a struggle.  Right now I need to decide if I'm going to sign up for class in March or wait until May.  Really I can't afford it in March as I've been off work, am trying to catch up etc.  However my mental resistance against it makes me feel like I should be doing it.  Regardless of how much I don't want to do it.  The flip side of the argument is that if I'm this resistant to it, am I learning anything (I didn't feel like I was the first quarter, more like I was jumping through the hoops).  I've got about a week to decide.
Ugg.  I hate making decisions. 

Compassion

It feels like it's been a long ass couple of weeks.  I'm still not getting nearly as much sleep as I'd like but then sometimes what I'd like is a bit too much.  At some point I'm hoping I'll find a balance.  The good news is that sleeping at night is going really well.  Lily will sleep 4-5 hours at a time (once nearly 6) and so I get that much sleep too.  Day time is still rough.  She still wants to play when it's light out and I still want to sleep after having worked all night. I used to laugh at the whole helicopter parent thing and I think I've become one. To a dog. I worry a lot that I'm not doing good enough. But that seems to be a theme that runs throughout my life, touching virtually every aspect.
I think that this lack of confidence has led to a lot of the compulsive behaviors I've got.  Like  shopping. I joke about being a shop-a-holic but really it's fairly accurate. I love to buy things.  Often things I don't ever use since it's the buying and having that seem to be what motivates me.  I want to change this and I'm working on it.  That and being nicer to myself. 
Which leads to the compassion.  I'm a nurse.  To some extent I show compassion to others on a daily basis.  Or at least the days I work.  Yet for some reason I seem to be almost unable to show it to myself. I doubt everything I do.  I worry constantly about not being good enough in some way or another.  I am routinely nicer to others than I am to myself.  It's frustrating to be able to see that trait or habit and yet feel unable to change it. To feel like I truly am not good enough as I am and that I have to continually strive to be something or someone else. 

Ass Kicking

I feel like I've gotten my ass kicked this week. I broke up my days at work because I didn't feel up to working three 12 hour shifts in a row yet. Instead I'm doing two on, two off, one on, two off. It really sucks too. When I work all 3 in a row I can manage to schedule myself a stretch of days in a row off which is nice and allows me to feel human for a while. This week I haven't felt very much like I'm part of the human race. On my first night off I tend to stay up most of the day for various reasons. Today it was dealing with Lily and feeling guilty crating her when I've been gone all night, plus working on potty training. Other days its running errands or whatever. The down side is that on that first night off even though I stay up most of the day I don't often accomplish a lot as I'm so tired I'm hugely lacking in motivation. Exercise usually doesn't happen on days I work or worked the night before which is one thing I want very much to get better at even if its only taking Lily for a walk. Plus I'm cranky and basically feel like shit as I'm sleep deprived. So I lose a day there. Then when I go back to work I try to stay up late the night before and then sleep late. Which in the past has often led to 14 or so hours in bed as there is nothing insisting I get up. At least until now. I have to admit that I can't imagine working the floor on day shift. I don't think I could keep up. Already I'm starting to wonder how much longer I can manage doing bed side nursing. Between the arthritis, the fibro and my hands (which have numerous small cracks after 3 nights this week and lots of lotion) I find myself wondering how much longer I can do it and what else I want to do.
All I do know is that I find myself craving a schedule that is at least a little bit more normal while fearing disliking a completely normal (Mon-Fri) schedule like I did the last time I tried and considering the pay cut I'd end up taking if I went to a shorter shift on days.