Feelings

It's been a pretty rough weekend. I'm doing better now but Friday evening I was a wreck and all I could do was sit and cry non stop. I've been doing that a lot more often lately and its really not very enjoyable.  Once again everything felt larger than it really was and things that were said as encouragement or advice felt more like criticism and judgment or options that were not possible at this moment in time. This is what I wrote on Friday and I briefly published it, then pulled it again.  Looking at it tonight so much of it still feels real: 
So many feelings.  I feel like I'm failing so many no matter how hard I try, most of all myself.  So overwhelmed.  I'm tired and I want to go to bed but my brain won't stop talking at me. The stuff I mentioned in my last post still seems amplified to the point of madness.  Things that are said likely as encouragement feel more like judgement and criticism.  I find myself wanting to hide from everyone and yet craving some sort of connection or for someone to see the real me.  Sometimes I'd like to sign off FB completely but know I would likely end up going days without talking to anyone.  I'm empty and full at the same time.  I'm emotionally depleted.  I feel like I'm unraveling.  I know my depression isn't managed but I'm not entirely sure how to get it managed, what added medication or combination of medications is the path back to me.  Therapy helps but it feels so slow sometimes. Or it feels like I'm good there, but after a few days I start falling apart again.  Tonight I'm just trying to keep my head above water and hold out for my next appointment which is Wednesday. 

Right now the urgency of that moment has passed.  Friday night the advice ranged from crate training to suggestions for toys to being told I need to get rid of that dog right now.  Logically I know that the advice is well meant.  However when your thought process has a hard time sticking to the logical perspective it can all feel pretty damn overwhelming.  Saturday Lily spent most of the day in the kitchen and I took a break from my dog.  Today I spent an hour on the phone with a dog trainer who will be leading the obedience classes I start with Lily in July. I got some ideas for the here and now, I got some reinforcement that what I'm doing is the right idea, some encouragement.  Today we had a good day and I'm hoping for a good night.  
 I'm fully aware that Lily isn't the problem.  She's a puppy.  A very energetic puppy, but a puppy.  She is a product of what training she has gotten.  Honestly I've never really had to train a puppy.  Sadie was pretty much good from the start, not destructive, house trained etc (at the age Lily is now) and was so easy.  Lily is a challenge.  I've also taught her (unintentionally) that certain behaviors get a reaction.  So we're both working on learning.  I'm also working to give myself time off.  When she was younger I was so intent on keeping her busy so that she would let me sleep that I sort of taught her that she needed constant stimulation or interaction. Needless to say she's really over whelming.  That on top of my continued depression and I frequently feel like I'm coming apart at the seems.  I have an appointment on Wednesday to see my therapist.  I need to make another appointment for my regular doc about doing something with my medications.  Obviously something isn't working well enough right now.  So I'm still working on it.  I need to find my way back to me.  

Friends

Lately I feel like I'm living my life in a fish bowl, everything on display for the whole world to see.  It's unnerving and uncomfortable.  There are things I find myself wanting to share with some people but not all and yet finding I share with more than I would like to.  I know a lot of this is of my own doing.  FB can be a great thing, allowing you to maintain contact with people you may otherwise lose contact with but it also can have down sides. Mel posted about "social media turning up the volume" and I find myself really feeling that first part tonight.  Basically I guess things were said at work by people I thought were my friends who I guess maybe they aren't really.  This led to me unfriending everyone I worked with in order for me to feel "safe" on FB and a few others who I truly feel like I no longer have anything in common with.  Some of those I had sort of wanted to unfriend sooner so it was a relief.  Overall though it still felt like a betrayal in some ways.
I think I have a difficult time interpreting who really is a friend and who is just more of an acquaintance.  I find myself thinking of many people as friends and then being surprised and hurt when something happens.  I don't know why I end up feeling so surprised though when in many cases these are people I only know in one space and people who truly don't know me and I suspect wouldn't maybe like me much if they did truly know me. 

Hello Again

Yes I know.  I post so rarely here. It's not for lack of things to say really.  Just lack of time and difficulty putting things down in writing.  Plus with weekly therapy I've been getting a lot of the stuff on my mind out there and less need to vent here.  I know, this would be cheaper but the therapy does feel like it's helping some.  Or at least I think it is. 

Clothes

So doing something here I've never done before but it seemed like a nice opportunity.  For those not interested in scrubs, I apologize. 
Since I had surgery in December I've had a hard time finding pants that fit me.  I still have larger thighs but a flatter stomach and so it hasn't been easy.  A month or so ago I received an offer from Uniformed Scrubs to try out and review a pair of their Dickies Scrub pants.  Since I've bought a bunch of new pants lately that have fit only so so at best I jumped at the chance to try a different brand at no cost to me. 
I was given a size chart to determine what size I needed to order which according to my measurements would be a size XL.  This seemed a little strange to me as I was buying size large in all the other styles and brands I had bought but I went ahead and requested the XL pants.  The shipping of the pants was quick and they arrived within a couple of days.  I was disappointed to find that the size was way off.  The XL was much too big on me.  After another couple of e-mails I returned those pants (I forgot to include the packing slip) and requested a size large instead.  The return took a little longer but I'm guessing that was my fault since I had forgotten the packing slip in sending the pair back.  I'm sure someone wondered why they were getting a pair of pants sent back with no notes etc.  However once the new pair shipped they again arrived to my mail box fairly quickly.  The size large did seem to fit better although I could have possibly even went down to a size Medium as they do run big.  The Dickies pants themselves are well made, the fabric is nice and soft and they seem to be pretty durable.  They wash up nicely too which is a plus.  I detest ironing stuff and I like stuff I can pull out of the dryer and just hang up which these fit that very well. 
As for how they fit my body, not as well although that's not unusual lately.  I tend to have a hard time lately with draw string waist pants (they all want to fall off or at least pretty far down and show off my back side and underwear) and these were a draw string waist pants.  In the past I never had an issue with draw string waists since I had a roll of fat/skin to stop them from falling but they just don't work as well for me lately unless I get them fairly snug fitting so they can't fall.  These were a little looser as I don't love stuff that fits to tight and they did fall quite a bit.  Again I think this is largely related to my body shape and not the pants. 
Overall I was pleased with Uniformed Scrubs and the pants were a good quality pant that would hold up to heavy use. To anyone else who is interested in ordering from them they've given me a coupon code I could offer to readers if they'd like to order.  So if you'd like to order some new scrubs at a bit of a discount just use the code 15pbrm. 

Disclosure: Uniformed Scrubs sent me a product for the purpose of reviewing it and I'm not being compensated in any other way for this. All opinions within this post are mine.  
 

Night Owl

I've worked night shift now for most of my 7.5 years as a nurse.  Most of the time I've figured I would always work night shift as I tend to be more of a night person or find it easier to stay up late than get up early.  I have no desire to work the floor or do bed side care on a day shift.  I did work a day shift doing pre-op education for about a year and a half but at the time I felt like I was forced into the position by a hostile work environment that I needed to get out of and no where else to go.  In addition to that I took a huge pay cut to change positions.  That all left me feeling dissatisfied after a while with the position. 
Last year my decision to work on my BSN was partially motivated by knowledge that in the future I may decide to live somewhere other than Fresno where a BSN might mean the difference between landing a job and not.  There was some consideration also though that continuing to bedside care was not really feasible as a long term option for me.  I figure I've got close to 30 years before I can retire and looking at my chronic pain levels now, I'm aware that my body isn't likely up to be doing this same thing 30 years from now.  My time off that I took for my surgery illuminated even more so the effect that my job is having on my body, especially the night shift part of it. 
Since I've been back to work my sleep has been less than optimal.  Granted prior to my surgery I slept a lot and probably often too much but I always felt tired and there was nothing standing in my way of spending 14 hours in bed sleeping.  Now with a puppy who doesn't understand why we're not playing in the daylight that hasn't been an option.  Hopefully that will improve some with time but so far I haven't gotten more than 4-5 hours (and those hours have been interrupted like every 2 or so) during the day since I've been back to work.  I sleep fine at night although I've been getting up rather early (and managing it fine really) on my days off.  Also so far I've only done 2 nights in a row which I don't love doing as it splits my days off up too much and I feel like I'm constantly flipping back and forth from days to nights which is also having a pretty negative effect on me.  All of it has drastically increased my pain levels which has left me bitchy and whiny.  Not a great combination. 
Since I've been back to work now for the first time I find myself wishing for or considering a day shift position.  I'm just not sure what.  If I were to go to an 8 hour day shift it would again be a big pay cut.  Not as big as a few years ago but still big.  Plus its only having 2 days a week off which when I worked pre-op I didn't like.  Now though that is sounding really good and I'm wondering how I can make it work to lose around $500 a month take home.  Yet I'm afraid of making the change and then not liking it.  Again that whole fear of decision making.  I'm afraid of making the wrong decision.  I don't think I can change positions for about 3 to 4 months still as I had transferred into the nursery prior to going out on leave and they want you to do 6 months in a position before changing.  Also I don't know that my manager would let me leave our department (unless I left the hospital completely) at this point as we still have a lot of people out and are short enough that we're all having to take mandatory on call shifts (I HATE this!).  I guess the 6 month waiting period makes me slow down and consider if I'm making a good decision but I'm thinking my days on night shift are numbered. 

Expectations Of Perfection

Decision Making

For a long time I've struggled with making decisions.  Any decisions are difficult but the big ones are the hardest.  I second guess myself, doubt myself and basically expect the worst to happen regardless of what path I choose.  I'm working on learning how to trust myself more and to not expect perfection from myself.  Right now though it's still difficult sometimes.
My big decision now is the school thing.  I know that at some point down the road I will need my BSN.  I know that I've found a reasonably priced program and I should work on it.  The problem is that I seriously don't want to. I hate school.  A lot more than I used to.  Partially because it doesn't mean more money etc.  I just know that I likely won't be working as a floor nurse forever and many of the paths that interest me require a BSN.  Right now though my head is not in the game basically and I have no desire to take the classes.  Factor in a lack of funds since I'm paying for all of this myself out of pocket when saving money isn't my strong point and it's even more of a struggle.  Right now I need to decide if I'm going to sign up for class in March or wait until May.  Really I can't afford it in March as I've been off work, am trying to catch up etc.  However my mental resistance against it makes me feel like I should be doing it.  Regardless of how much I don't want to do it.  The flip side of the argument is that if I'm this resistant to it, am I learning anything (I didn't feel like I was the first quarter, more like I was jumping through the hoops).  I've got about a week to decide.
Ugg.  I hate making decisions. 

Compassion

It feels like it's been a long ass couple of weeks.  I'm still not getting nearly as much sleep as I'd like but then sometimes what I'd like is a bit too much.  At some point I'm hoping I'll find a balance.  The good news is that sleeping at night is going really well.  Lily will sleep 4-5 hours at a time (once nearly 6) and so I get that much sleep too.  Day time is still rough.  She still wants to play when it's light out and I still want to sleep after having worked all night. I used to laugh at the whole helicopter parent thing and I think I've become one. To a dog. I worry a lot that I'm not doing good enough. But that seems to be a theme that runs throughout my life, touching virtually every aspect.
I think that this lack of confidence has led to a lot of the compulsive behaviors I've got.  Like  shopping. I joke about being a shop-a-holic but really it's fairly accurate. I love to buy things.  Often things I don't ever use since it's the buying and having that seem to be what motivates me.  I want to change this and I'm working on it.  That and being nicer to myself. 
Which leads to the compassion.  I'm a nurse.  To some extent I show compassion to others on a daily basis.  Or at least the days I work.  Yet for some reason I seem to be almost unable to show it to myself. I doubt everything I do.  I worry constantly about not being good enough in some way or another.  I am routinely nicer to others than I am to myself.  It's frustrating to be able to see that trait or habit and yet feel unable to change it. To feel like I truly am not good enough as I am and that I have to continually strive to be something or someone else. 

Ass Kicking

I feel like I've gotten my ass kicked this week. I broke up my days at work because I didn't feel up to working three 12 hour shifts in a row yet. Instead I'm doing two on, two off, one on, two off. It really sucks too. When I work all 3 in a row I can manage to schedule myself a stretch of days in a row off which is nice and allows me to feel human for a while. This week I haven't felt very much like I'm part of the human race. On my first night off I tend to stay up most of the day for various reasons. Today it was dealing with Lily and feeling guilty crating her when I've been gone all night, plus working on potty training. Other days its running errands or whatever. The down side is that on that first night off even though I stay up most of the day I don't often accomplish a lot as I'm so tired I'm hugely lacking in motivation. Exercise usually doesn't happen on days I work or worked the night before which is one thing I want very much to get better at even if its only taking Lily for a walk. Plus I'm cranky and basically feel like shit as I'm sleep deprived. So I lose a day there. Then when I go back to work I try to stay up late the night before and then sleep late. Which in the past has often led to 14 or so hours in bed as there is nothing insisting I get up. At least until now. I have to admit that I can't imagine working the floor on day shift. I don't think I could keep up. Already I'm starting to wonder how much longer I can manage doing bed side nursing. Between the arthritis, the fibro and my hands (which have numerous small cracks after 3 nights this week and lots of lotion) I find myself wondering how much longer I can do it and what else I want to do.
All I do know is that I find myself craving a schedule that is at least a little bit more normal while fearing disliking a completely normal (Mon-Fri) schedule like I did the last time I tried and considering the pay cut I'd end up taking if I went to a shorter shift on days.

Back To Work

So I finally went back to work this last Sunday night. It's a little on the slow side at work which was sort of nice.  Nice since being back to work is more tiring than I expected, just like most everything else has been more as it relates to the whole surgery process.  I was more sore and tired.  One thing that surprised me is how much my knee hurt while at work (I wasn't on my feet that much) and since I've been off.  All I can say is that aging and arthritis sucks ass.  The tired was likely related to my new baby.
Last week I got a puppy.  As in an 8 week old puppy.  Who I've been getting up to take out to potty every 3 hours or so all night.  Yeah, not getting a lot of sleep.  Plus with the never having had a puppy for very long before it's been a big learning experience.  I've finally started feeling like I sort of know what I'm doing with the help of a fabulous pet sitter who spent several hours with me this afternoon helping me out and giving me a lot of information.  She's loads of fun though and such a cutie. 
I had experienced a lot of guilty feelings with getting her though.  I felt bad getting a dog since I rehomed Lizzie last year and felt like such an utter failure with her.  I had spent over a year trying to connect with her and trying to make myself love her.  After 15 months, I didn't and hadn't.  I liked her ok but often her fearfulness drove me nuts.  She needed more than I could give.  For a while I questioned whether I was good enough to have a dog.  My schedule isn't ideal although I've always found ways to make it work before.  I just missed having a dog around though so much.  For the last 6 months or so I've been looking around for Corgis and Corgi mixes.  I kept telling myself that I was just looking, I knew I shouldn't have a dog (the whole not good enough thing) but I was looking.  I came to realize that I had a fairly specific criteria in that I wanted the dog to be at least part Corgi and not Chihuahua and I wanted a young dog, less than 1 year.  I had looked all over most of California too.  Finally I admitted to myself that I really did want a dog and I felt like I could be good with a dog (although there is still the inner voice/critic/annoyance telling me I'm not good enough) but I wasn't having a lot of luck finding what I wanted.  I did stumble across a Pembroke Corgi though that a breeder had and finally gave myself permission.  Permission but I'm still feeling a little like I don't want to hear negativity so I haven't really come out on FB yet about her.  Funny thing is that I had planned to call her Piper.  Then once I got home with her I saw the white mark on her head and neck was sort of lightening bolt shaped.  I said to her that if she was a boy I could call her Harry Potter.  At which point I realized I could call her Lily after Harry Potter's mom.  So Lily stuck and that's her name now. 

So here's the latest addition to my little fur family.

On My Way

So I met with the therapist yesterday.  Mostly we did some catching up since it's been like 2 years since I've seen here although we did discuss some of my current problems and some ways to cope with or work with those problems.  I'm going to see her weekly at first and we'll see how it goes. I really like her and feel comfortable.  One thing we did discuss is that my difficulty or lack of ability to deal with confrontation.  And how if something is said during therapy that makes me feel bad or threatened etc I will discuss it with her. 
We also discussed my various compulsive behaviors (compulsive shopping and eating) and what I perceive to be my impulsiveness and the difficulties it can cause for me.  I am aware that I frequently act impulsively.  However she did point out that one of my fairly recent decisions wasn't that impulsive.  I had been thinking about it for months and I acted on it.  The fact that I may not have chosen the best path is there but the current path brings me joy and that's a good thing. 
So onward and maybe I can find a space where I like myself and in the process I can evict my mom and any other negative people from my head where they seem to take up so much space. 

Help, It's On The Way

So I'm typing this out on my iPad and I'll try to proof read it but bear with any mistakes or typos please. It's easier to sit on the couch and keep an eye on things hence I'm using the iPad. Funny thing is that this week with me trying to stay away from FB and Pinterest I haven't had nearly as much use for the iPad outside of checking email.
I've done good at staying away from Pinterest and have been on FB a couple times a day but not much really. I just do an occasional post but I just feel like there is a lot I can't or don't want to say there. I just feel overwhelmed and yet down as well right now. The depression has been there and lingering for a while. At least since around October. Yet it seems to be getting worse although I do have ok or even really good days. I can't tell if the new medication my doctor started me on is helping or just destroying my concentration right now. Or if the fact that I have the attention span of a gnat is completely unrelated. I know that I feel very negative towards myself and my actions and I've been rather impulsive in a lot of ways. So with all of that I finally called the therapist I had started seeing after my gastric bypass and I have an appointment on Saturday.
Maybe I can start to make sense of things, find some better coping mechanisms than I'm using now and hold things all together because I don't feel like I'm doing such a great job right now.

Pinterest?

When everyone first started posted about pinterest I had no idea what it was but it sounded kind of stupid. Then someone explained it to me and it sounded a bit more interesting and so I decided to give it a look.  Then I was hooked. 
The first couple of weeks after I was out of the hospital most of my time was spent playing on my ipad which consisted mostly of time playing with FB and Pinterest. Part of that was likely because I was too whacked out on pain meds to completely concentrate on reading or TV.  I also had no desire to do much of anything.  So I spent a lot of time finding new pins.  A LOT of TIME!
So with last weeks decision to step away from FB a little as it's just not what it was when I first started using it.  It seems that instead of a way to connect anymore it's used more often to try to influence others to agree with your point of view.  Or at least that is my perspective of it lately.  However I came to realize something else this morning.  Pinterest is just influencing me to want things I don't have.  Some things that would be useful but often things I don't need.  I see lots of pictures of cupcakes and all of the sudden I really want a cupcake.  I don't need one but I want one. Yes I can get worthwhile stuff off Pinterest such as recipes (which I haven't really tried that many of but I can say that the pumpkin dump cake recipe is to die for!) and ideas for organization tips etc can be really helpful.  However if I'm spending all my time playing on Pinterest, I'm probably not organizing or cooking or cleaning.  It also makes me see a lot of stuff that I want.  Stuff I don't likely need but that I want, which will in turn further the whole shopping habit.  I've spent a ridiculous amount of money the last few months on quilting stuff and truly, I now have enough quilting projects to keep me busy for possibly the next 10 years if you factor in my rate of how long it takes me to complete a project. 
To some extent I think this is part of the American culture or the culture of today.  Seeing what others have and wanting it.  I think of how much traveling I could have done if I hadn't spent so much money on stuff that I liked but didn't really need.  Even some of my quilting projects.  Especially if they sit in my closet undone. 
Maybe I need to step away from Pinterest a little bit too.

One More Week

Well even though I was released to go back to work next Wednesday on the 30th, the schedule is covered for the last half of the week at work.  After some unnecessary stressing and a mostly sleepless night I spoke to my manager yesterday and we decided I'd use a couple of vacation days and take all of next week off as well and start back to work on the 3rd.  I've been really sore the last few days so the extra rest will be good.
I am now the proud owner of my very own Costco card.  In my own name and everything.  I'll figure out a way to let mom know she no longer has to pay for my account and it's sort of a nice feeling to have finally cut that string. I'm also an owner to a new and expensive vacuum bought on my own membership since mine seems to have died last night.  Funny that there was a rep from Dyson at Costco today and I asked about what quit working. She said yes it was fixable, likely would cost about 150-200 to fix.  On a nearly 6 year old vacuum. When I could get a brand new one for 389. Now my goal is to not suck up any socks or puppy potty pads which I think led to the early demise of previous vacuum. 
I also finally found a pair of jeans that mostly fits.  That said it would probably be good to find someone who can do alterations.  Now with my flatter stomach I find that the pants that fit in the thighs and ass are way to big in the stomach.  I've been to so many stores the last week trying to find pants that I like how they fit with no success.  Finally today I went to the larger women's store.  Their sizes only go down to a 14 so I wasn't sure if they would fit but they did.  Still a little baggy in the front but mostly ok. They are actually roomier in the thighs which is nice.  Plus I really like the styles with a little bling on them but lets face it, I can't pull off true skinny jeans at all and the low ride style isn't my favorite.  I did try some of the low rise pants on but I could tell they would drive me crazy.  I'd end up spending all of my time trying to pull my pants up or trying to cover my ass crack every time I bent over or sat down.  No thanks.  Another up side is that I had discovered the larger ladies store also had boots that fit my insanely large calves.  I love boots and yet never can find any that will go around my calves.  Now I've found them.  Granted I didn't buy them today as I was already spending way to much money and spring is on it's way but hey, next year I know where to look. 
I was reading another blog post tonight that talked about her period being a constant reminder of her inability to conceive. I related so much to this as my period and the whole cervical mucous indicating possible ovulation felt like my body mocking me every month. To some extent this was a factor in my seeking a hysterectomy.  It wasn't the only factor.  I did have health reasons as well but to me it was also a mental health reason.  It has been so nice to not have to deal with all of that the last couple of months and to not wonder if there will be some long term effects from all the fertility medications.
The rest of my week has been fairly uneventful. Uneventful is good though and I'll take it. 

Seven Weeks

It's hard to believe that it's been 7 weeks today since I had surgery.  Wow.  I had so many plans for that time and let me tell you, I got almost none of them done.  I did finish a quilt for a friend and that's about it. Other than that I read, a lot.  Also this post is a bit all over the place as I have so much bouncing around in my head.
Recovery was a lot worse than I thought it would be (I should have known better knowing I was pretty much having 3 different procedures done I know), but I'm through the worst of it.  I still get uncomfortable if I'm on my feet a lot which worries me about going back to work but I'm sure I'll get through it. I've been released now by two of my three doctors.  Yay! Especially the urologist as his office is always so freaking behind.
Emotionally I'm doing a bit better.  My regular doctor started me on a second medication and then this week I did start hormone replacement therapy.  I had decided to wait and see on the HRT and for the first 5 weeks or so I thought cool, I won't need that as I was freezing constantly.  Then about a week ago the hot flashes started. And kept getting worse.  Holy hell did they get worse. That along with the mood issue made me think that for now it's the better option so I'll see how it goes. Of course the acquaintance mentioned in previous posts that had opinions on my taking pain medication 2 weeks after surgery had an opinion on HRT as well so I just kept my mouth shut on what meds I'm taking. None of her freaking business either.  Yes I know I should stand up for myself more maybe although I have been standing up to her and I've also decided that since it's not likely to be a long term friendship I can hold my tongue and not tell her stuff that isn't her business although I have pointed out to her that our tastes in many things (other than our craft habits) is vastly different.  She's nice in some ways but very opinionated and I tend to be a bit weak at standing up for myself or feeling walked on. However I'm finding that if I just don't discuss certain things then I don't end up feeling like my beliefs or feelings are being stomped on.  I don't know if that makes sense to most but for now it works.
This week I've also taken a bit of a step back from FB.  No I haven't unfriended some of those that have been annoying me.  Mostly what's been annoying me is all the political posting stuff and all the gun stuff.  On one had I respect peoples right to have guns within reason but god dang I'm tired of seeing pictures of guns plastered all over FB.  That and it seems like so few people any more post anything about what they're doing, just other pictures they picked up somewhere on the internet.  For me FB was a way to connect with people I had lost contact with or people that I didn't see very often.  It just feels like I don't get that anymore.  I don't deny that I'm sure there are those who don't love or agree with everything I share as well but I like to think that I stay fairly conservative with what I share. I also know that lately I've been a bit over sensitive and maybe stepping away is a good thing.
One thing I've been afraid to say much about is my decision to rehome one of my cats.  Last year I had adopted a 9 year old at the time Cornish Rex from a local shelter.  I had a friend from work who had seen her at the shelter and was told that she wasn't up for adoption. When I went out to see her they were more receptive to letting her be adopted when I told them I had 2 other Cornish Rex's and I ended up taking her home that day.  She took to me or claimed me right away but has never gotten along with my other two cats.  I've had problems non stop with inappropriate urination with her (she peed all over my hallway, on a chair numerous times, a towel on the kitchen counter, a shelf in the bathroom, stacks of towels in the bathroom, in a change dish, on clothes on the dresser, on some stuffed animals on a shelf including a teddy bear I've had since I was a year and a half old, and on my bed).  How much of this was territorial or related to my other older cat who thinks she's a dog and insists on using puppy potty pads I have no idea but she did seem re trainable when I left her with my vet over a weekend where she was confined and when she came home she stuck with the litter box. She continued however to be very aggressive to my other two cats who both lived here before she did. After a year I realized that she wasn't going to get any better with them and would likely be happier herself as an only cat.  So right before Christmas I started looking for a new home for her.  Last week I found someone who knowing all of her quirks was still interested in adopting her and so Saturday I met the person half way between our homes and did the exchange.  I'm hopeful it works out well, sad because I did really love her and also feeling a bit like a failure as the last two rescue animals I've adopted seem to have been such a bad fit for me or my home. I've got my other two cats whom I love to pieces, they're my babies since I won't be having any babies.  Yet I still feel myself yearning to have a dog. I miss having a dog. A dog that I can interact with without it shitting itself in fear. I know my schedule isn't ideal for having a dog but I also believe that I could make it work if I found the right dog.  I'm just scared of failing again and disliking myself more because of it. 

Just Another Monday

Good to know that there are still a few people out there.  I still have so many days where I have stuff bouncing around in my head that I want to post about but then once I sit down I can't seem to put it all in writing.  
So I'm still here, feeling a whole lot more human although if I spend a lot of time on my feet I still am uncomfortable.  This worries me as I should be going back to work in less than a week if not sooner. Not sure yet how I will do with a 12 hour shift.  Overall though it sure has been nice to not have a period.  Granted the menopause symptoms seem to be kicking in some now.  For the first 5 weeks or so I was cold so much that I didn't have too many hot flashes.  The last week or so the hot flashes have been very frequent.  So I'm guessing that tomorrow at my follow up appointment with the GYN we'll be discussing hormone replacement therapy.  Also when I saw my regular doctor last week he started me on a second medication for the depression.  I was a bit resistant at first but then it was like, why resist. The goal is to feel better. To not feel sad all the time and to treat a medical condition.
I did end up dropping my statistics class.  I mostly just couldn't focus on it and it just didn't feel worth it.  So I'll pick it up in May with the nursing program I'm in or maybe pay an arm and a leg for a local class here where I have a class to go to.
I'm trying to organize some more, get rid of stuff I don't need or use and generally clean up.  It's funny to me the things that I have a hard time giving up.  I've managed to gradually get rid of a lot of the stuff I had for my someday baby but there are a few things I'm still having a hard time giving up.  Some of it I wish I had someone I could give it to that would love it as much as I did.  Most of it I wish I had never bought.  Live and learn I guess. 
The week before last I sold the huge sectional couch I had that took up my entire living room and then some and bought a much smaller couch at C0stc0 which I like so much better.  That whole trip to C0stc0 ended up being an interesting visit.  When I was paying the clerk informed me that I was no longer an executive member and that if I upgraded again I would get a check for $75.  I explained that the account was through my mom and that she paid the dues, I just got the second card.  He started to tell me that I should discuss with my mom about upgrading again etc at which point I ended up just blurting out, she doesn't speak to me, She gives me one of her c0stco cards but she doesn't speak to me.  Yeah, that was a little uncomfortable.  This left me thinking that maybe it's time I got my own dang membership.  For one thing for the last 4 years or so she has been getting the rebate on what I was spending and there have been several fairly big items in there.  Plus I'm 42, I make decent money and can afford my own membership and if I did it I would never again have to have that conversation.  Or the one where they were trying to look up my account when I lost my card and I couldn't tell them my mom's address, phone number, or even for sure how her last name was spelled.  But as the guy at customer service pointed out today, heck it's free. Why worry.  I'm not paying anything for it. The more I think about it though it's the idea of it.  This is maybe my last string attached to my mom. Outside of this I have had no contact at all with her since 2006 and haven't actually spoken since 2005.  We haven't been on good terms since 2000.  This is mostly all her choice. I could possibly push things and have some sort of relationship with her but it would include a lot of toxic elements such as guilt trips, bad feelings etc and I'm not willing to let all that negativity into my life so that she will speak to me.  If she can't accept me as I am an agree to disagree on the religion topic then I don't need someone to make me feel bad about myself, frustrate me or add unnecessary drama to my life. 

Delurking, Harry Potter and Stuff

So Mel pointed out that this is blog delurking week.  I'm honestly curious if there is much of anyone still out there.  I don't get many comments anymore but then I've been fairly bad the last year or more about blogging, commenting etc myself so I can't say much.
She had prompted readers to leave a comment with maybe what Harry Potter character your most like.  The very first response the popped into my head was Snape since I'm not sure if many people know who I really am at all.  Mel sent me a very sweet e-mail back which will probably sit in my inbox for a while. I tend to do that.  When I get messages that make me feel good I leave them where I can reread them. 
The thing about my comment though feels so true, especially right now.  There are those who have read my blog in the past that probably know more about me than people I interact with on a daily basis.  I feel like there are so few people in my life who truly know me and accept me and all my little faults or quirks or whatever. This is sometimes so incredibly frustrating as I feel like I'm always keeping my mouth shut and trying not to create disharmony or confrontation.  Some of this is my overwhelming fear of confrontation and my fear of not being able to back up my beliefs.  I know I believe Obama was the best choice for president for so many reasons but I fear not being able to factually back up that belief.  Which is a fairly rational fear since I don't watch a lot of news or read news papers etc.  I just know that the other side stood for or supported so much that I didn't believe in. So in the 6 months or so leading up to the election and to some extent since then I've scrolled past all of the posts on Facebook that drive me nuts and I've refrained from being another one of those to throw up all of the opposite stuff because that's not what I go to Facebook for. I go to Facebook to connect with friends and relatives that I don't often connect with otherwise.  It just starts to feel sometimes though like I'm not sure I want to connect with some of these people anymore.  Which maybe means I should drastically shorten my friends list or just step away.
I'm also dealing with an acquaintance/friend that I don't quite know what to do with. She's a co-worker who I started off spending time with due to one common interest.  Turns out that we don't really have many other common interests. There have been things said that seriously bothered me, I blogged about one of them a couple of weeks ago and I want to vent but yet I know that I shouldn't blog about something I'm not willing to say to her face.  Basically I'll leave it at I don't know what to do with the friendship.  She is wanting a lot more of my time and space than I feel willing to give and I don't know how to deal with it.  Partially because I suck at standing up for myself and confrontation.
Then there's Harry Potter.  Mel has been talking about Harry Potter a lot lately and Pottermore which I have avoided as I probably really don't need something else to waste time on. I have homework (which I really have no desire to do), I have a ton of quilting projects to work on, start, finish etc that I could be doing.  So I don't need more distractions.  However I have noticed in the past a tendency towards avoidance when it comes to depression.  When I'm down and having a hard time I tend to bury myself in books. Books that I know will make me feel good.  Hence Harry Potter.  Frequently if I'm feeling down I start rereading the Harry Potter books.  It's a coping mechanism and maybe not the best one but hey, for now it works. 
Don't worry, I have a doctors appointment in a couple of weeks where I plan to discuss the fact that the prozac just doesn't feel like it's working all that well any more. Yes I am aware that this can be hormonal as I just threw myself into a surgically induced menopause a little over a month ago but the general feelings of down or sad or disinterest or whatever have been going on for a while.  Granted they're worse now but it's been at least since October. 
There's so much more bouncing around in my head right now but I think this is getting awfully serious for just a delurking post to say hey, is anyone still out there?

New Year, New Me?

So I was looking back at my last post and there seemed to be a lot of typos. I swear I wasn't even that drugged anymore.  Granted any FB posts or blog posts or whatever the first two weeks after surgery? I was pretty much high as a kite.
I'm finally starting to feel a lot better.  Still not fabulous and still not ready to work a 12 hour shift but at least human.  I had a really good talk with the plastic surgeon this last week which also helped my perspective.  My initial appointment with her had been back in August and was to see if the insurance would cover the panniculectomy and what the additional tummy tuck would cost and if it was even possible to do.  I was afraid she would tell me I hadn't lost enough weight and it couldn't be done.  So at the time we didn't know for sure if surgery would even happen.  I had discussed with her how much I hated staying in hospitals and she had stated she would be ok with sending me home day of surgery and we also briefly discussed whether it was possible to do the hysterectomy at the same time which she stated she was ok with.  She had told me that often people go back to work after 2-3 weeks although with the hysterectomy I'd be able to take the 6 weeks off.  With that discussion in my head I truly didn't think the recovery for this would be all that bad.  I figured after a week or maybe two I'd be fine and then have some nice time off.  So it really knocked me for a loop how hard this hit me.
So at my one month appointment the other day I asked her about it.  Basically a lot of what she was telling me at my initial appointment was pertaining to the tummy tuck portion of surgery.  For that most people are self pay and go home day of surgery and choose to go back to work as soon as possible because of having limited paid time off available.  She admitted that with adding the panniculectomy which was often covered by insurance and the hysterectomy and bladder suspension it did all drastically increase my recovery time and how I could expect to feel.  I asked about various aches and pains.  The feeling of almost cramping (which is hugely annoying since hello I know the old uterus and ovaries are gone so WTF?) that is related to the hysterectomy.  The first couple of weeks I didn't notice much abdominal muscle tightness (could be because I was taking the valium religiously every 6 hours as prescribed and the norco/percocet every 4) but the last week or so I've had a persistent ache to my abdominal muscles.  She said yes, that's related to the tummy tuck and will get better.  I told her the skin around my belly button is numb but I can feel pulling behind my belly button.  Yup, normal.  I was cleared to start doing some light core strengthening exercises but no sit ups.  Ha I don't do sit ups anyway so no worries there.  I can start out though with the elliptical and a stationary bike.  She was a little worried about my balance as I'm still moving a bit slowly so no regular bike quite yet.  I have been walking around my neighborhood periodically but hells bells it's been cold out and many days I also have decided it's just too damn cold.  Plus if I've had a lot of other things I'm doing around the house I'm less likely to go walk as I wear out quickly.  I did get all my Christmas stuff down and a friend from work came over and helped me get the tree down and all the stuff back out to the garage which was so appreciated.  I'm so thankful for all those from work who have been willing to come help me out with stuff that I haven't been able to do for myself. 
The fun part? I don't think my stomach has ever looked this good.  Even when I was a kid I had a flap or roll of fat (even at 150 when I actually was pretty much in my weight range).  As I got older and heavier that flap got bigger.  Even after I lost the weight and it wasn't really obvious in clothes that the flap was there, I knew it was there.  It was obvious in swim suits and it bothered me.  Now it's gone! While I still don't and likely never will have a completely flat stomach, it's flatter than it ever has been before and it feels amazing. Just to have that flap gone.  Granted the girdle I'm wearing now pretty much 24/7 that holds everything in helps it look good.  The idea is to reduce swelling as there is expectation of swelling after surgery (which there was as evidenced by a nearly 20 pound weight gain in a little over a week!).  The girdle actually is comfortable for the most part as it provides support to my abdomen and it feels more comfortable to sit with it on.  It's just comical as it reaches from just under my breasts to just above my knees.  Kind of a funny sight.
Overall, I'm doing good.  Healing as expected even though it was way slower than I had hoped or expected.  I am happy with the results.  All of them.  Especially the never ever, ever having another period. 

Christmas!

It's almost over.  My Christmas music is almost gone for another year.  It will soon be time to put away the decorations I have out although unless I get help the tree itself may be up until March as that sucker is HEAVY.  Yes I've heard many complain that it all, music, decorations and store stocking of holiday merchandise starts to early but to me it makes me happy.  I love Christmas music even the religious sorts of songs even though I'm not remotely religious.  I just love the music. I love the lights, and the trees and the ornaments and just the overall beauty of the season.  Some of the greediness, impatience, crabbiness etc, not so much.  I also have to admit that I have a bit of ambivalence to the day itself. 
When I left the JW faith the first couple of Christmases were made incredibly special by some very wonderful people that were my chosen family at that time in my life. As time passed and I moved to be closer to my mom and tried to return to her chosen faith in an effort to retain a relationship with her I stepped away from Christmas.  That was so hard for me since I so truly loved all of my decorations.  Many years later I did get some of them back from a friend who had kept them safe for me.  The one thing I never have gotten back and I had thought for sure I kept but apparently I didn't was a picture of my first Christmas tree ever.  I kid you not, this tree was ridiculously huge and round. It was bigger than my friend's car, we had to bend the top to get it in the apartment.  It was so funny and I loved that tree that took up the entire living room.  That year I had a friend and her young son living with me as they had to quickly move away from their home for safety leaving much of the belongings behind.  My friend who had assisted in bringing home my tree decided with her family that they would "adopted" us and made sure there was a mass of presents under the tree Christmas morning for all 3 of us.  This is a gesture that I know I will never ever forget. 
At that time I wanted big holiday parties.  I wanted a big house with a house full of people to all celebrate together.  I dreamed about the day I would have kids to share Christmas with.  See as a kid I had never really felt like I was missing out on much with Christmas.  I got presents year round so that wasn't an issue and it was pushed pretty effectively that it was bad to see the decorations as pretty, Santa was a lie and all the practices surrounding the holiday were lies as well.  According to mom Satan wanted us to see them as pretty so we'd want to participate.  So I spent the holiday season trying to ignore the decorations because I didn't want to be "BAD".
Since then I refuse to believe that seeing the beauty in the season makes me bad although I now feel more like there was a lot of the beauty and magic I missed out on.  I enjoy my decoration, music and my holiday even though I don't participate in the religious side of the whole holiday.  My relationship with religion is a whole other post and probably even something that I need to still be seeing a therapist for. 
Most of the leads to my love for decorating for the holidays.  I can't wait to put up lights and trees and pull out the ornaments and all the decorations that I have. Let me tell you folks, I have A LOT of Christmas decorations. Most of my ornaments have a story that go with them that I remember every year when I take them out of their boxes. Just opening all those boxes is so much fun.  I just tell people I was Christmas deprived.  The sort of strange thing is, the day itself tends to be sort of anticlimactic? I don't know if that's the right word but the day itself often leaves me a little blue.  I usually don't have much of a celebration.  Working in health care I often get one of the major holidays off a year and given a choice I'd prefer to have Thanksgiving.  If I'm going to decorate my house for Christmas I want to be home to enjoy my decorations! And if I'm going to be in California at Christmas and away from my chosen family I'd really just as soon be at work on that day making some extra money and letting those who have family to celebrate with be home.  Plus I'm a little weird about spending the holidays with people I don't know.  I hugely appreciated that people invited me over for their celebrations but I'm really uncomfortable being around a large group of people I don't know.  So I'd mostly just stay home, hence it's better to work than stay home and feel lonely. 
This year I was so sure I had it all figured out.  I knew I was working Thanksgiving since I would be off pretty much all of December and January.  My surgery Therefore I would be going home for Christmas.  I was excited.  Then recovery ended up being so much worse than anticipated.  About a week or so after surgery my chosen mom asked me please not to come.  She was worried that it was too much for me physically and she was probably right.  So I did stay home.  Several people did offer me to attend their celebrations which I declined.  The whole unknown people thing.  A neighbor was cooking (borrowed several cooking dishes) and offered to bring me a plate which I accepted.  Yesterday she asked if I just wanted to come over instead and I said I would as I felt bad asking her to bring me over food.  Then she mentioned friends coming and I cringed.  Of course it all went fine.  Everyone was nice I was able to carry on a conversation and not feel overwhelmed by being surrounded by unknown people.  Helped that there were only 2 unknown people there.  After dinner and visiting for a while I came home claiming the need for a nap. 
I am appreciative of the invites.  All of them.  The one I accepted and the ones I refused.  I'm also a little sad that I couldn't be with my chosen family.  I'm also a little sad that it may always be like this.  Again, I'm ok with and have made peace with the decision that I will never give birth to a child.  I haven't necessarily ruled out adoption but right now for various reasons I'm not really open to the option either.  I know I have a lot of friends and chosen family who care about me yet at times I still feel so very alone.  I can also accept or own that often that aloneness is my own choosing.  Maybe its a bit of a stubbornness that if I can't have things they way I want them that I'll just stay home and do nothing. 
And maybe I'm just a goofy hormonal mess thanks to an instant surgically induced menopause.  I'm guessing tomorrow will be just fine.  Tonight I'm just going to snuggle my kitties, maybe turn on the fire, turn off the lights, look at my Christmas tree and be happy and thankful for what I do have which I know is a lot and so much more than many.  I do know that.  Sometimes though the sad just wants to move in for a bit. 
For the record I did just receive a call from my chosen mom and it did wonders for cheering up me up and I'm already feeling a whole lot better than I was an hour ago when I started this post.
I hope everyone has had a wonderful day.  Happy Christmas All!

Recuperation

Recuperation from surgery is still moving along.  I'm doing better and not using as much pain medicine but I am still needing the pain medicine.  I'm ok with this.  Receiving a lecture from an aquaintance about becoming dependent on the medications etc and how I need to tough it out I wasn't so ok with.  I'm 2.5 weeks out from surgery.  Having a huge muscle spasm in my hip where I can hardly walk tells me I need to take my Valium which I haven't had since 7:30 this morning.  Not that I need to tough it out.  Then maybe I'm just moody and annoyed easily.  Bad part is that I'm limited in what I can take.  I can't take ibuprofen after the gastric bypass.  I have problems with tramadol if I take it too often it cross reacts with my prozac.  So I've been trying to be careful and the lecture highly irritated me.
I've still got swelling but it is thankfully going down.  I feel like I have to pee constantly. I think this is a combination of having so much extra fluid my body is trying to get rid of and just all the manipulation that happened in there and my bladder is a little annoyed.  My girly bits are still rather swollen too although they aren't purple any longer which is nice.  I haven't had many menopause symptoms.  I've had a few hot flashes but then I was having those occasionally before surgery.  More often than not I'm cold. Like freezing, wearing 5 layers of clothing freezing.  It's all rather odd for me.  I did also have a low grade temp for a few days so the doctor put me back on antibiotics.  When I picked them up the pharmacist was very careful to point out that this antibiotic is very hard on the digestive system flora and to eat yogurt or take acidofilous. I've been doing the acidofilous anyways but it sort of struck me about how patients in the hospital are treated.  I've given this antibiotic to patients before. I've never reminded them it's good to eat yogurt or they'll have severe diarrhea.  I've never had the doctors order any sort of meds or supplements to counteract what the antibiotic is going to cause.  Makes me realize even more how it seems we only half way treat the patient.  Or we treat the patient but we don't assist with the side effects that come with the treatment.  Not very holistic care.  
I've had friends telling me I'm doing too much.  In some cases this has in fact been true and the reminders have been appreciated.  I'm also hugely appreciative of so many of my friends from work.  I am horrible at asking for help.  I hate asking for help. I've had friends offer and insist on giving me rides to Dr. appointments, take me shopping, go shopping for me, offer to drive me around and just generally be hugely helpful. They've offered to help me clean my house (I've declined as that just doesn't seem fair to ask). Heck one friend even offered to come over and shave my legs for me as they are rather uncomfortable to reach. 
Overall I'm doing really good.  Not as good as I had hoped but then I was completely unrealistic in what I had hoped my recuperation would be.  I had hoped/planned to fly home for Christmas.  It's really expensive but I was still trying to swing it.  My chosen mom finally asked me not to.  She pointed out that she really did want to see me but that she really felt I wasn't well enough for travel yet and honestly, she's right.  Could I have managed? Probably.  However I likely would have felt like shit in the process. So I'm planning a nice quiet Christmas at home with the cats and hopefully a good book.  A neighbor has offered to bring over a plate of food for me which will be nice since lately I hate cooking and if it takes more than 2 minutes it's probably not happening.  So, that's what's going on here.  I hope everyone out there has a Merry Christmas!