Better

I'm doing a little better. I'm still annoyed with my weight and annoyed with various coworkers but I'm not as upset about it as I was the other morning. And I've got a bit of snarkiness planned should anyone else feel the need to mention however nicely my weight. Of course I'm not big on the idea of going back to work tonight but I'm sure it will be fine.
I had to take a test yesterday for a basic arrhythmia class that I needed for work. I had went through all the stuff from the book but then when I got to the test and there were all these people who were taking the test for the second time and I was a bit freaked out. I did pass it though. Barely but I passed. Thank goodness. Now I have to do my ACLS. I've been told that is easier than the basic arrhythmia class I just finished so that works for me.
I did forget in all the drama the other morning to talk about my doctors appointment. I went up to Sacrament0 last week for a follow up appointment with my doctor and to see Bleu. The appointment went mostly well. Basically I had a fairly good response to meds etc. The quality of my embryos at day 3 was good, at day 5 was not so good. What the doctor said is it could be a sperm or an egg issue. If I tried again it might work or it might turn out the same way. His feeling was that it wasn't anything wrong with me that was preventing embryos from growing, implanting etc. We also discussed the donor egg thing. My reasoning again is that if I were to try again with my own eggs and it were to fail I would be angry at myself. I would feel like I unnecessarily set myself back even farther. Plus with waiting at least a year (ugg!) my egg quality isn't going to be any better. I was surprised at costs he listed for the donor egg cycles. They weren't nearly as much as I thought they would be and he has pretty good statistics for pregnancy with donor eggs. He does split donor cycles which is where two people split the cost and the eggs of the donor. Usually you still end up with enough for a fresh cycle and at least 1-2 FET's with the split cycle. The cost is really not that bad compared to other mentions I've heard on cost. The cost for a known donor cycle (using my sister) would be about the same as the split cycle but I would get all the eggs. Still though it's less than I thought I would have to save so that is a huge plus. I'm encouraged by this. So I am planning to move forward to donor eggs using sister and if for some reason that doesn't work out the cost for anonymous donor isn't that much of a difference. We talked again about the rash I get with the meds. His first thought was that it was from one of the carriers in the injectibles but when I mentioned that I start getting it with the bcps he didn't know what to think. It was worse this time than the first cycle. I actually still have it some but am hoping that after my period (whenever the hell it shows up) maybe my hormone levels will drop more and it will go away. Please. I'm tired of itching.
My friends Jan and Jim from home are in SF this week and on Friday I'm planning on driving up there to spend the day with them. I'm excited about that. I can't wait to see them. I am trying to figure out where I might be able to park outside of SF and take Bart or something in and where to meet. Otherwise not much going on. It was really busy at work the last couple nights I was there. It was kind of nice the nights flew by.

Discouraged And Annoyed

I'm so discouraged. I feel like an absolute failure at anything I ever try. Logically I know this isn't true (hell I made it through nursing school) but it feels true at this moment in time. What brought this on? The running commentary that I seem to be getting about my weight. I know people mean well and I'm not trying to be hurtful to anyone who has ever tried to encourage me in the past about losing weight but guess what. I know I'm fat. I certainly don't need anyone to fucking tell me I am, either directly or indirectly. The night before last I had a coworker pick up my soda bottle (hello, hands off my drink) and read the label and say "300 calories, that's an entire meal!" Thanks but butt out. I drink 1 a day for the most part and while I'm aware that it's empty calories it's also calories I like. I can't do diet sodas because my body does not tolerate the artificial sugars well at all. Yes I'm aware I could do without soda but I don't need to be bitched at by someone I hardly know about my choices in beverages. This morning right before I left work another coworker proceeded to tell me that I really should "try" to lose weight. I know that she was trying to be helpful and she wasn't trying to be mean. But again. I KNOW I need to try to lose weight. I don't need people pointing out to me that I've got a problem. And yes I am probably more sensitive to this right now since in the aftermath of another failed IVF and what feels like the loss of a dream to some extent I have managed to gain even more weight. Which makes me feel like a complete and utter fucking failure. I can't stop eating. And the comments on such simply make me want to eat more. I know I've got a problem. I know that my fibromyalgia is worse the last few weeks and at least in part is because of the weight although is likely also related to the extra hours worked and lack of sleep. I know the last few days I have freaking cankles for some damn reason I can't figure out. I know I feel like shit. I don't need to hear indirectly that I look like shit too. I'm a failure at weight loss, I'm a failure at men, at getting pregnant or staying pregnant, and if I were to sit here and wallow a while longer I am sure I could come up with other things I feel like a failure at. There is a part of me that wants to just give up. Eat to my hearts content, forget about babies and pregnancy cause it might not ever happen. I'm tired of feeling guilty about everything I put in my mouth. Funny thing is that a few years ago I decided I was going to quit worrying about my weight. I was just going to be me and if others didn't like it tough. And I lost weight. Not a lot, not enough to be considered any where near a normal weight but I lost. Then I started thinking about babies and I've been gaining since. Just a pound or two here or there, then lose a pound or two. This time though it's a lot more than a pound or two and I feel worse than I've felt in a long time. Then I get the commentary on my weight and it makes me want to eat more and scream at everyone to leave me the fuck alone.
Yes I also know I'm likely being overly sensitive because I already feel like shit.

Thank Goodness

My heat is restored. The repair man got here yesterday just after I had gotten naked and was getting into the shower. Hurry up and put clothes back on to answer the door. He spent a good 5-10 minutes fiddling with the thermostat to figure out how to change it from Celsius to Fahrenheit. I kept saying I didn't care how the temperature read as long as the heat came on. Finally he went outside to go on the roof to look at the actual furnace. Whatever he did up there worked. Then he came in the house and changed the thermometer to one that reads Fahrenheit. It's not programmable like the old one was but I didn't really like the programmable one that was here. It had 4 different time slots per day and 7 days per week and I would have had to program each one or just put it on a temp and push the over ride hold button and leave it there. Since my schedule varies from week to week the idea of programming it to turn down on days I'm not home was crazy. I had one of those heat dish things for about 24 hours to keep warm. It was kind of funny. Sara would get as close to it as she could and sit there for about 30 seconds then she would get to warm, let out a squeak, jump in the air and run off, then come back in a few minutes and do it all over again. Cats are so funny.
Not much else going on. Last night was another slow night at work. To the point where I ended up taking a bit of a nap. Until my coworker came and woke me up complaining I was snoring. I never notice it since I live alone and the animals really don't care if I snore. Oh well.

What A Day

It has been a heck of a day today. Actually it sort of started yesterday. I was off work last night and yesterday after I got off work I stayed up all day. I had a dresser I had found on Cra*igs*list to go pick up and then I was reading a book. I noticed in the afternoon that I was cold and my thermostat said it was 18 degrees Celsius (I don't know why it gives me the temp in Celsius and I can't for the life of me figure out how to change it but I've figured out that to keep it around 20 is about perfect). I couldn't get the heater to turn on at all but I was tired and I went to bed instead of dealing with it. I don't know why I didn't call the owner last night, I think I was just brain dead. So this morning I wake up and it's now like 16 degrees in the house and I'm freezing. Plus I need groceries and don't have much to make for breakfast. I decided to shower and then go out for breakfast to somewhere warm and called the owner about the heater and left a message. I got as far as the garage. I couldn't get my alarm to turn off but I tried the door and it opened so I thought maybe I just hadn't set it. Then I noticed that my digital clock was blank. My first thought was "that's not a good sign". And it wasn't. Car was dead, no click no nothing. After talking to Bleu I went to a neighbors house and got someone to help me jump start my car. It took almost 20 minutes to get it going and then when I left to go drive around it kept trying to die every time I stopped. I was freaking out. My car is only 3 and a half years old and I couldn't figure out what it was. While the neighbor was jump starting my car he mentioned some lights that were staying on. I thought it was part of the headlights. When my car is running there are some lights that do stay on. So finally got the car running and drove it to a battery shop. Turned the car off and the lights were still on. Waited for them to turn off and they didn't. The guy at the shop got into my car and started playing around with switches and hit a switch on top of the steering wheel and turned the lights off. Turns out yesterday I must have somehow hit the switch when I was resetting the trip odometer and it killed my battery. I felt so stupid. I finally told the guys I was blond in another life which gave them all a good laugh. Scooby is now running just fine. House is still cold but hopefully the owners parents will be by to fix it soon.
I got more stuff unpacked which is good and I finally have my clothes out of the boxes on the floor and into a dresser which is really nice. I also have a desk now (again thanks to the above mentioned list place) and can have my sewing table back.
I hope everyone else has had a good Monday and I also wanted to thank everyone for the support you all provided with your comments on my Adopt post. I greatly appreciated the support and the input.

Show And Tell

So I don't know if this qualifies so much for show and tell but I couldn't resist sharing this.
The other night at work was really slow. Actually the last week has been really slow. Like I've had 2 patients all week slow. So I was cruising around you&tube to find something to do. I had been looking at Cornish Rex cat videos since I have 2 cornish rex cats and found some cute ones. I have a co worker who has a sphynx cat so he told me to look for sphynx videos. And I found this one:



And I laughed so hard at it I couldn't stop. Especially the part about half way through where they all look like they are doing a carefully choreographed dance. So funny. Makes me want a kitten. yes I know I don't need a kitten. My two cats keep me plenty busy but how cute and funny are these guys.
So what do you all have to show for show and tell today?? Head on over to Stirrup Queens and join in the fun. And don't forget while your there to click the link to go over and vote for Stirrup Queens on the 2008 Weblog awards for best medical blogger.

Adopt

Why don't you just adopt?
As an infertile how many times have I heard this question? To many times to count. Sometimes it feels like the person offering the suggestion is truly trying to be helpful. Usually it is difficult to know how to respond. How to offer a short explanation about how it's not as simple as "just adopting". I had a coworker a couple weeks ago ask me this question. I tried my somewhat usual response and she responded that she would never adopt. That she had been adopted at the age of 8 and that she had always felt like she didn't belong. However a week later the same person asked me the same question again. Leaving me to wonder what she was hoping to hear from me. Validation that adoption is ok and that she is ok? Or maybe she was just tired and forgot that she had already asked me that question.
I admit that I'm not sure how I feel about deciding to adopt right now. Not that I am against adoption. Not at all. I think it's often a great path to being a parent. Hell, I'm adopted. And I really don't feel resentful about the fact that I'm adopted. I had a great childhood for the most part. My parents were very loving and I was never made to or allowed to feel like I was less because of being adopted as a child. As an adult I went through a brief time when I was dealing with some fairly severe depression where I felt like no one wanted me but I tend to think that was more related to the depression. I don't have much of a relationship with my mom these days but I feel this has a lot less to do with my being adopted than it's related to her crazy ass religion.
Somewhere down the road I may decide that adoption is the route I will take to become a parent. Right now though it's not a path I'm ready to consider. It's not that I think my genes are so superior that I have to pass them along. Heck part of me feels badly at the idea of passing along my fat genes to any poor child. The idea therefore of moving on to donor eggs (or embryos) isn't a horribly difficult transition for me. Granted yes I will admit to feeling a bit sad that there will be no biological connection to my child by using this route since I'm single and don't have the fathers connection. It makes me a little sad to contemplate that I will not see a bit of me in my child someday. It scares me that my child may someday resent me for using ART (it scared me a bit before too) but I also believe that I have the tools necessary to make any child I have feel loved and wanted and basically well adjusted regardless of what path I take to get there. I believe my parents gave me those tools. To me the part that seems so important at this point is I want to experience pregnancy. I want to have a newborn. I want to know what it feels like to feel my baby move inside me and to breast feed my baby. I want it all. I want sticky poop diapers and spit up and funny looking umbilical cords that dry up and fall off.
Yes I am aware that adoptive parents can have this if they adopt a newborn. I just feel though that as a single person my opportunities are not as open as if I were married. I know that it does happen that single women are chosen to adopt (Pepper I'm thinking of you :)) but I also know that there are a lot more couples looking to adopt and yes I feel that while I have a lot to offer a child there are still many who see a couple as being able to offer more. Yes I am aware that I could go the route of foster adopt but I truly don't feel this is a good plan for me. I don't think I can go into a situation knowing that I'm taking a child who could be taken away from me at any time to be returned to the parent. I also am very frightened by the idea of adopting a child who has been exposed to drugs or an older child. Yes I know that these children need homes and love too but I also know that not everyone is equipped with the things necessary to be able to provide a home for these children. I don't think that this makes me a bad person or a bad potential parent to say that I don't know if I could handle the additional stresses of taking on a situation such as that. What bothers me about the "Why not just adopt question" is that it's assumed that since getting and staying pregnant isn't easy for me that I should simply be happy and thankful to take anything I can get and not to feel sad about what I would possibly be giving up. It's those dealing with IF who are recommended this option. It's not the young couple who is just deciding to start their family. How many times do people suggest to fertiles "why not just adopt instead of having children, there are so many children who need homes and love?" Probably not often. Yet again I often feel like people think I'm not good parenting material since I still at this point desperately want an infant and would really prefer to carry that infant myself.

A New Year And The Year Past

I've spent a lot of time thinking in the past few days about my past year. I saw another post last night where a blogger thought at the end of 2007 that 2008 was sure to be a better year, now she was thinking that 2009 would be. I related to that feeling. 2007 brought my first chemical pregnancy. I felt hopeful by that knowing that I could get pregnant. This time last year I was so excited. I was days away from starting my stim meds for my first IVF cycle. The cycle I was soooo sure would work. So sure that I had told myself and everyone else that it was my last cycle and that if that didn't work I was just going to move forward with a foreign adoption. I was sure that 2008 would be a stellar year full of many fantastic things. I was sure that I would be a mom by Christmas and I would be spending the holidays at home with my new baby. Now I feel so unsure about everything. This past year has brought not one but two failed IVF's. I've now had 3 chemical pregnancies and the fact that at least I know I can get pregnant is no longer a hopeful thought and does nothing to make me feel better. I am in a new place and while I like this place I don't know if it feels like it's home. I miss Jan and Jim back in Washington so much but outside of missing them I don't know if I would move back there again. I've come to love California. I never thought I'd say that but I do.
I was reading another blog post a few days ago about not being a parent at Christmas. It made me think about how sure I had been last year that I would be a parent by this past Christmas. Then I realized that even if things go as planned I won't be a parent next Christmas either and I wanted to just sit and cry. Because even if things go as planned I won't be able to afford to try again with donor eggs before probably this time next year. I have to be honest here when I say the idea of sitting here in a holding pattern for at least the next year and doing nothing is making me a little bit (or maybe a lot) crazy. The thought of waiting sucks really bad. It also makes me feel like I'm putting my life and happiness on hold until I can afford my next try. Which isn't totally true as I'm still living my life and all but is sort of true too. I was thinking that I'd try to get out and see more and do more this year since I'm not going to be TTC. I'd love to take a few trips. I'd love to maybe go to DC and go to one of the TOOTPU gatherings, maybe see a friend in Virginia whom I haven't seen in close to 11 years. Wow Becky, I can't believe it's been that long. However much of the getting out and doing more will cost money which I need to be saving or using on bills. I am going to try to do some things. I plan to find a quilting class to take. I've been wanting to do that for a long time. I'm even considering a short and inexpensive cruise. I don't plan on sitting home and moping all year. It still just hurts so damn bad to wait another year or more. Sometimes I even find myself thinking that I could just quit which in some ways and on some days feels like it might be less painful to just give up. I could quit trying. I'd be ok. Which does give me hope that if this were to never work I'd be ok. I wouldn't die. I'd be devastated but I'd be ok. I think about how I do have a good life and how I could enjoy things that I wanted. I could travel, spend my money on whatever I wanted, it wouldn't matter if I lived in a condo and therefore I could live in more expensive places that I wouldn't consider with children. But I think that somewhere down the road I would regret not trying everything possible. Just thinking of the what next though is so discouraging and disheartening that I find myself wanting to bury myself in a book again and not think. Not think about what my next step is and when it might occur. Not think about how no matter what I do in the meantime it feels as if a part of my life is at a standstill.

New Year's Eve

I can't believe it's New Year's Eve already. I currently have a post bouncing around in my head but it will probably have to wait for tomorrow as I need to go to bed. I'm also not really sure if it's worth posting or not. We'll see.
I just made an exciting find though. Back in October I mentioned on one of my show and tells about some Christmas stuff I had found on ebay and that I was trying to find the matching tree skirt. This was to replace the same tree skirt I had years ago that I had given up. I've been looking for this skirt off and on for at least 2 years. I found it!!! I just happened to pop in daisy kingdom tree skirt to the ebay search and there it was. I hadn't used that search in a month or more and was so excited to see it there. So I guess it's time to go cash in my pennies to pay for that one. And just in time too since Sara ruined the current tree skirt last week. Of course I may not be able to use it for a few years unless I make sure that she is firmly on board with the idea of using the damn liter box.

So Tired

Well it's been a heck of a week. I worked 60 hours this last week. I am tired but I did ok. The job is interesting. It started off feeling a bit like I was being pulled between two departments. That has lessened and it seems to be going pretty well. I had 3 nights that were really steady busy and one night that was super slow. There are some things that I would say are not really what I expected. Not necessarily a bad thing but an adjustment on my part. I was told when I was hired that I would be working for short stay surgery but I would be working with recovery (after surgery) at night. Also told that I could eventually be trained to do recovery. I had once talked to a recovery room nurse who loved his job (that hospital did not do trauma) and thought that maybe it was something I'd try at some point. I was therefore excited about the position where I might learn recovery. Until I was reminded right before I left Sac that recovery is a critical care position. Yikes. And it really is where I'm at. The hospital I'm at is a level I trauma center with the second busiest ER in the state (according to their website anyways). I'm now trying not to freak out over the whole critical care aspect of the whole thing. So far my position itself is patients who are stable but eventually it will likely be more. I think it will be really good experience if I can just get past my fear of it. The other thing that is a change is something little. Something really small and to some probably stupid that it bugs me. I will likely have to start wearing hospital scrubs at some point. Yes I know, little stuff. But I have tons of scrubs and I really like my scrubs. Plus as a chubby girl I like loose fitting clothes. My past experience has been that getting hospital scrubs that fit me loosely is difficult if not completely impossible. However I have a charge nurse who keeps bringing up the scrubs issue. And I am part of PACU (recovery) where they do have to wear hospital scrubs. Otherwise, it's mostly good. Some very interesting cases this last week. Turns out they occasionally (almost daily) take ICU patients in their area that are ICU hold patients since there isn't an ICU bed. Also it turns out that if you have gall bladder problems, don't go to a hospital that is a trauma center. You will be almost the last person in line for surgery. I've had several patients stay in preop holding for hours or even days as they keep getting bumped for more emergent cases. Even appendicitis will bump a gall bladder case.
So I'm taking tonight off. I think my animals are feeling neglected and I need to catch up on dishes etc. I'm so sick of having boxes all over my house it's making me crazy. Then I know I'll work the next 3 nights and probably the next 4. Hopefully at this rate I might be caught up on all my bills by the end of January. Maybe.

Busy Week

So this looks like it's going to be a very busy week for me. I worked Monday night which was sort of a waste but the pay will be good. We had one patient all night. I was tired and not feeling well and I was just orienting with the guy who is finishing up his week there and then will be leaving. I had planned sort of to go home a couple hours early since it was so slow but then he disappeared somewhere (to sleep I'm pretty sure) and didn't come back until shift change. Asshole.
I took tonight (Tues) off and then will be working Wed, Thur, Fri and Sat nights. I figured since I can't go home for Christmas than I might as well work and get the overtime. Plus I will be the only one for the position until the 1st so there is over time available. I'm going to try to pick up as much as possible in the next 2 weeks so that I can hopefully get caught up on my bills. That would relieve a lot of stress.
Sadie is settling in just fine. She hasn't had any more seizures since Friday which is good.
I'm trying to get my addresses changed on many of my accounts and such. I called one of my credit cards to change my address and she had to ask me a bunch of security questions to verify that it really was me. Talk about obscure questions. She asked my moms age (good thing I know she is 20 years older than I am). She asked about some county that I knew nothing about. She asked about the color of a car I owned in 1997 (which was long before the credit card existed) and what county a previous address had been in which was also from 1997-2001). I guess I proved myself as they did change the address.
Not much else happening in my world. Just work and trying to get unpacked and settled. My house is still a wreck but it's getting better slowly. I was so happy the other night to finally throw out the wonky mattress. No more beds with hernias. It's a nice feeling to settle in some again.
I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas!!!!

Oh Christmas Tree!!

Well I finally found my Christmas spirit last night. I decided about 6pm to put up my Christmas tree while I watched the shows I'd DVR'd. I didn't end up using as many lights as usual and I didn't get all of my ornaments or other decorations out but my tree is up and oh so pretty. I have like 6 or 7 rough totes (the big ones) full of decorations. I've never had a house big enough to use them all. Someday maybe. I also have enough ornaments for at least 2 trees but I love finding new and unique ornaments. So here's the tree, never mind the TV in the back ground.

Here's Sara under the tree. I think she may have been chewing on it. At least they finally grew out of the whole chewing on the light strand thing. The first year I had the girlies I lost 4 light strands a cell phone charger and another lamp. Plus most of my other cords have little chew marks on them.

And here's Luna under the tree. She likes to just sit and hide there.

Sadie really wasn't all that interested in getting near the tree. She just sort of stayed out of the way. I also managed to get all my Christmas cards filled out and addressed last night. They'll go out today which I know that except for the few that are going to other locations in California are likely going to be late. Oh well, they say happy holidays so it's still within the holiday season. And at least they are going out. I seriously considered not sending cards at all this year and still didn't send out nearly as many as I usually do.

Show And Tell

Because I have nothing else to take a picture of yet in my messy half unpacked place of residence I thought I would at least share some pics of Sadie. Of course the cats didn't want to be left out. I still haven't got my Christmas tree up and don't know if it will go up or not so no tree pics.
So here's Sadie in her bed and Luna of course had to be in the dog bed too.
Here's Sara looking all funny in the cupboard. Until I filled it up she wouldn't stay out of the cupboard. Now theres no room.

Here's Sadie in the back yard yesterday. It was sort of a nice day yesterday but of course the clouds are back today. Yes I am fully aware that I have no room to complain since my friends at home are completely buried in snow. So not missing snow. hehehe...

Don't forget to head on over to Stirrup-Queens to play along with show and tell this week.

What Was Lost

Yes, I found my keys. Finally. After going crazy for 2 days I found them in a place that I shit you not I looked at least 6 times. I guess maybe I didn't lift up all of the items on the wonky air bed in the living room since last night in the middle of doing something else I happened to lift up a small microwavable heat pack pillow thing and they were under that. So I can finally lock my door when I leave the house.
Yesterday was a bit rough. I had a busy and sort of emotional day at work. Just a couple of sad cases that bothered me. I came home and found huge piles of puke in the garage which is usually an indication that Sadie has had a seizure. She always pukes after the seizure. She was still acting a bit shaky too and a bit later puked a couple more times. I also noticed that she peed on her dog bed which was likely from the seizure too. She has had seizures a few times a year for the last 5-6 years. Sometimes they are brought on by stress. Before moving her down here I did consider that the whole move process may bring on some seizures. I still think she is better off with me. That doesn't mean that I don't feel a bit guilty that the stress of the move, new house etc brought on a bad seizure day. Hopefully there won't be any more for a while now. All those things, money worries and then a pretty negative anonymous comment and I was feeling pretty raw last night. I ended up going to bed fairly early and I feel better today. Still a little emotional but mostly ok.
Now I'm just working on some unpacking. I have come across a couple of things that were left behind. Also I've come across 3 things so far that have been broken. I know that things get broken in a move. This is a given. However I have moved numerous times with very minimal breakage in the past so I find myself a bit annoyed. The stuff is replaceable and I know it's small in the grand scheme of things but I also know that I'm a bit anal about my stuff and work very hard to take good care of my stuff. I think I'm still just overly moody.

Shit

I can't find my freaking keys!!!!!
I spent a half hour searching for them this morning before finally giving up. I was almost late for work and I had to leave the door into the garage unlocked. No one can get in but still made me nervous. Luckily I knew where my spare car key and remote to unlock the door was or I have no idea what I would have done. I have looked around this evening and I still can't find them. Which is seriously pissing me off. I remember seeing them last night on a box in the kitchen but I have tore the kitchen apart and can't find them. I have looked in all the usual places and still no keys.

Tired

I'm tired. So tired. I still have this lingering cold that's kicking my butt. My sore throat came back today and I had the worst headache for most of the day. Hope that doesn't continue. The last 2 days have been crazy busy. My stuff is all here and I have a pathway through my house between all the boxes. I actually got to sleep in my own bed last night and it was kind of weird to not be on a wonky air mattress. Nothing is unpacked and likely won't be before this weekend. It looks like I will be moving to nights next week. I'm sort of happy about that because getting up at 4am sucks donkey balls.
Yesterday after unloading the truck and going and picking up a dryer (I got a dryer yesterday for $40) I had to drive the guys to Sacramento to fly back to Washington. It was double the cost to fly them out of Fresno so I drove up there and back. Long and tiring drive. On the way home my sister called. I ended up pulling over at a strip mall so I could talk to her for a while. I told her what has been going on and about the second failed IVF and my decision to move on to donor eggs. She again offered her eggs. So we talked more about what all is involved. And she's still willing. I'm hoping to manage this in about a year. I need to figure out what the cost etc will be and I'm not quite sure how I will manage it but I am going to do everything I can to figure it out. I know that yes she could possibly change her mind but right now I feel so blessed. So blessed that the little sister who was a fantastic gift when I was a young and lonely teenager is now offering me a gift that is beyond imagination. Even though we haven't seen each other in almost 7 years and we don't talk often, she is offering me a chance at being a mom. I'm left speechless.

Not Here Yet *Updated*

Well, they're not here yet. Yesterday was sort of a sucky day for driving through Oregon and they only made it as far as Eugene. They are doing better today and are over all the passes now so it should be good. I'm still not expecting them to be here before say 9pm tonight though. They had to buy chains because apparently Oregon requires you to have them in your vehicle. No biggie, I can return them if not used (they weren't). But ooh, there's a catch. Les Schwab (the fuckers) won't let me return them until April 1. WTF????? Yeah because I may change my mind and go rent another truck to move again. Or who knows when you may need chains for tires that are 2 inches bigger than the ones on your car. Goody.
I've been trying to get stuff done. Such as laundry. I hate laundromats so of course I put it off for as long as I possibly could. All done as of this morning though. Maybe I can hold off for another 3-4 weeks for the next trip. I made peanut brittle this afternoon. I might make my peanut butter balls and some fudge too. Since I'm attempting to eat my body weight in sugar. Yeah, I do the emotional and stress eating thing. The ultra responsible person in me who is never late on my bills etc is just about ready to faint at how many times I've had to explain to creditors that I can't pay them yet. Enter the need for even more sugar. Christmas? yeah pretty much not happening outside of some decorating. I will probably put up my tree. Just because I missed decorating last year. Not getting everything out of the boxes though. I just don't have the energy for that.
Oh and last night my power went out. Like 3 times. It was a little stormy (rainy and windy) but didn't seem that bad. The first time it was like a minute. The second it was like 30 seconds and then it went out a minute or so later and was out for like an hour. Of course my house was pitch black. I have candles but didn't remember where the little lighter dealie thing is so I was digging through my work bag looking for my little pen light. Once I found that I was able to light my candles but they didn't offer enough light to do much by. Since there was nothing to do I ended up blowing them out again and just going to bed. Nice and early. And I was wide awake a 4:45 this morning. Ugg.
Maybe I should take a nap before they all get here.
Finally here at about 8:30. All is well. Sadie seems a little unsure of what to think of the new house, damn cats loving on her etc but I'm sure all will be back to normal soon.

Show & Tell

So today HS (from here forward to be known as renter) left Sp0kane today on his way here with the moving truck full of my stuff. And my dog!!! Yippee my bed is on it's way and soon there will be no more sleeping on the damn herniated bed. Anyways renter sent a phone pic of Sadie in the truck and I had to share as it's so cute.

Not the best picture but she just looks happy. Of course she loves being in the car. She'll be here tomorrow!!!!
To join in Show and tell go on over to Mel's blog and join the fun.

Just Another Saturday Night

I'm feeling better today thank goodness. Yesterday was pretty much miserable. Today is ok. Still heavier than usual but ok.
I'm doing ok I think. I feel like I'm in this weird stage of wondering whats next and feeling left behind. I'm still sort of numb and find that I'm not feeling nearly as upset as I thought I would. I have a lot of different things bouncing around in my head.
Someone asked if I would try again. Yes, likely I will but not with my own eggs. I'm done. Yes I realize that I could continue with my own eggs and do a couple of more cycles and maybe I'd get lucky and get that one that would work and stick. However in my mind I've had 3 chemical pregnancies. So things are fertilizing. They are implanting. And then it's stopping. This to me seems like it is likely an egg quality issue just based on my age etc. I could do another cycle and do PGD to see for sure if it's an egg quality issue but in my mind I just can't justify it. I know that if I tried another cycle with my own eggs and if it didn't work I would be pissed at myself for "wasting" the money. So I'm done with my eggs. Which is a bit of a weird feeling. Just the thought that I likely will not ever again do the whole shooting up with hormones on myself to get myself to the point of egg retrieval. Not really a sad feeling, just a weird feeling. The part of this that I'm having the most difficulty with is the idea that it will take me a year or two to save up the money for another cycle. Before this last cycle I sort of looked at that "break" as a good thing. A chance to do some things that I wouldn't be doing otherwise. Now that break seems so ungodly long. Unfathomably long. I hate the idea of waiting that long. However there is absolutely no way it will happen sooner. Or at least no way I can come up with. So for now I work and try to pay off my bills and save money for the next round. I don't know if when it comes down to it my sister will still be willing to donate eggs to me. She has mentioned it in the past but who knows. There is also the whole allergy factor that bothers me. I've always avoided sperm donors with allergies as the idea of getting rid of my fur babies bothers me a lot. My sister is horrible allergic to cats. I don't know. I don't know how I feel about it etc. I want to move on with the next step but know that for now patience is something I need to work on. My blog may become very boring in the next year or so.

Who

I wonder what hot shot advertising executive came up with the dumb ass slogan of "have a happy period." What a fucking idiot. I'd be willing to place money that it was a male who came up with that one and that whoever it was has never had any experience with infertility at all. Happy period my ass. Nothing happy about this. Aside from the emotional aspect of dear old AF this is the worst one I've had in a good long while. Complete with horrible cramps and a headache which I usually don't get. I knew it would be bad but shit. It wasn't this bad with the first IVF since I had a light period before test day then 2 weeks later finished it up. This is just sucky. Like stay in bed all day sucky. Ugg.

Still In Beta Hell Updated

Yes, I'm still here. Sorry I didn't update last night but I still didn't have internet at home (I finally do now) and I just didn't have the energy (or the money) to go back to the internet cafe to post after work.
Saturday's beta was a 26. So not doubling like it should after 3 days. Of course still increasing enough to earn me a keep taking your meds and test again. I was supposed to do it tomorrow but I have to work all day so I did it today. I don't know if I will know the results tonight or tomorrow.
In the meantime I'm struggling. I want very badly to withdraw into myself and just not deal. Sleeping for say the next 6 months sounds good. I've been burying myself in books and just not thinking or much. I haven't cried much. Yesterday after getting the results for Saturdays draw I found myself way more angry than sad. I had let myself hope over the weekend. I had let the dizzy spells and hot flashes give me hope and along with a positive pee stick really believed that it could still turn out good. Today I don't. I have no hope left. I feel so angry and cheated. All through my life my likes and dislikes or wants have changed as I have. The only 2 things that I've wanted that have remained a constant is to be married or to have someone to share my life and wanting to be a mom. I feel like I'm being tortured or punished somehow and that those things will never be a part of my life. I feel still like I am chasing the impossible dream. I know there are others who have felt this way or who have dealt with similar feelings. I don't pretend to hurt any worse than others. But I hurt. I am just so angry that for once things can't just work out well. I know I am blessed and that I have more than many but when I'm looking at the possibility of never being a mother it seems so much like I have nothing. I know that's not true but it's how I feel right now.
Today I went to Chi*li's for lunch as I felt like I deserved it. As I was walking through the restaurant I noticed a toddler sitting at a table. I didn't even think about when I sat down facing in one direction that she would be in my direct line of sight and usually this wouldn't bother me anyways. She looked like she was about a year old, had a knitted pink hat with a great big flower on it and was so cute. She turned around and gave me big huge smiles and waved. I started getting all teary and waved back, watching her eat and watch others. I felt like the pain I was feeling radiated off me and it seemed like her mother gave me a sympathetic look. Maybe just what I was wanting to see. I finally had to focus on my book as I knew that if I continued to sit and look at this beautiful little girl I would soon have tears running down my face. Since I tend to prefer crying in private over public places reading seemed like a better plan.
For now I wait. Wait for the next set of results so I can maybe stop the meds. Strange thing is that I had no problem with daily shots in the ass with a great big needle when there was so much possibility but now that my hope is gone it all seems like it's just more effort than I want to make. I'm not sure what's next.
Updated. Todays beta is 4 so it's over. Expect my period in 3-4 days and I can finally stop poking myself. Now what.

Happy Baby Shower

Well I'm at a public computer in an internet cafe (on Wednesday) so I can't seem to post the actual picture or graphic that was sent out but I wanted to send a happy baby shower to Antigone. Thinking of you lots!!

Welcome Back

To beta hell. Todays beta is 12. I was told that it is still possible for this to turn out as a viable pregnancy, that they've seen it happen before. Excuse me for not holding my breath. I've been here and done this before. Continue meds and test again. I can't test on Friday as I have to be to work at 6 and work a 12 hour shift. I will test on Saturday and won't here the results until Monday.
Right now I'm struggling. Struggling with feeling cheated and like the things I want so desperately in life are never going to happen.
I still have no internet connection at my house and won't until at least next Tuesday. I don't know if I will be checking in again before then or not. I'm trying to just get settled in my house, unpacked etc. Hope everyone else is doing well and thanks to everyone for your good thoughts. I do appreciate all of it.

Show And Tell

This week for show and tell I thought I'd show a couple of pics from my trip home. I've had a great time visiting with my chosen family and lots of fantastic food. My friend Jan is the best cook I know.

First pic is of a dinner guest we had. Yup, Obama came to Thanksgiving dinner. How cool is that.

Then here's a pic of the yard when it first started snowing. Ugg. It snowed most of the day and we had about an inch but then it started melting. Now it's mostly gone and it's just cold. I think I'm ready to go back to California

Anyone else who wants to play along with show and tell should head over to Mel's blog Stirrup-Queens and join in the fun. Ok and I'm sorry I can't seem to create a link here as I can't seem to move the cursor. I don't know what's wrong. The link is in my sidebar though!!

Packing And Mind Games

I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. Mine was great and I've enjoyed my trip so far. Today I went up to my house to get some packing done and actually managed to accomplish quite a bit. I have most of my stuff packed at this point which is really nice. I still have part of my kitchen to pack but I should be able to get that finished up tomorrow.
Weather here is crappy. It snowed today which is annoying. Cold and annoying. Finally stopped about 7 pm and changed to rain so hopefully it won't get too bad.
Not much else going on. Trying really hard (and pretty much failing completely) to not analyze every single twinge I feel. I keep feeling twinges in my left lower abdomen but who knows, maybe it's just my ovary getting ready to blow up like a damn balloon. I also catch myself frequently poking my boobs. Yes I am totally aware that the level of soreness really isn't an indicator of whether this has worked or not but yet I am completely unable to stop poking them regardless. Strange dreams last night. All of which I know can totally be from the progesterone. Again. I know it does no good to analyze at this point but I can't seem to stop wondering over every little twinge. At least Wednesday is close.
So now I should go to bed and try to get some sleep. More packing tomorrow.

Quick Update

I made it home to Sp0kane today and all is well. Trying to just take it easy and visit and enjoy some relax time.
I looked yesterday for a wifi connection I could hijack to up date but there were none in my apartment complex that weren't secure. Anyways. They transferred 3 5 day blasts yesterday. All three were grade 3, two were expanding and I forget what he said the 3rd was but it was right below expanding. I was concentrating way to hard on not peeing. Really not a fun experience but it's done. I spent the afternoon and evening watching movies on my laptop. I'll probably post more later. Test day is 12/3. I'm hoping to hold off on hpts until at least then. Otherwise not much going on. Hope everyone has a fabulous thanksgiving!!!!

Tomorrow Is The Day

Here it is, late Monday evening. Tomorrow is transfer day. I am supposed to be there at 10am. I don't know if I will be able to update after my transfer or not. It will be dependant on whether I can find an internet connection to hijack or not. I am taking my cable modem and DVR box to the cable place tomorrow to have them turned off since I won't have a chance to do it later. I may be able to update on Wednesday when I get to Spokane.
I went to orientation for the new job today. Sort of long, repetitious but otherwise fine. Much of the stuff they go over is mandatory to go over it at any and every facility so it's not like it's new stuff. I have 2 more days of orientation next week also. Clinical staff orientation on Tuesday and computer orientation on Wednesday. Then Thursday I start working on my unit. On day shift. They plan to orient me on days so that I can learn their procedures, paperwork etc. This is typical for many units even though I will eventually be working night shift. The only thing is that I am so not a morning person and my day shift will start at 6 am. So hoping that doesn't last too long.
I've been pretty stressed out today. Partially about money. I have almost none. Something to do with the fact that I haven't worked since Nov 5th I'm sure. I should be getting a check soon for the rent on my house but then my first paycheck doesn't come until the 11th of December. Plus I'm also stressing a bit about my trip and my work schedule next week. I'm supposed to fly back into Sacrament0 at 3 pm next monday. I will come home and load up the last of my stuff, vacuum and any last minute clean up, grab the cats and leave. Realistically it will be 5 pm at least and likely 6 pm before I get out of here and then I drive 2.5 hours to Fresn0. Getting in that late I'm not even sure if I will be able to get into my house and I really need to be able to get into my house as I have to be at orientation at 8 am the next morning. I could stay in a hotel for the night but then what to do with the cats the next day. I doubt they would appreciate spending the day in the car. This whole thing is freaking me out. I looked into catching an earlier flight home and it will cost me about $200 to fly home early Monday morning instead of getting home later in the day. I'd get in about 10 am. I hate to spend that much money when I'm already so short and struggling as it is. But it would be a huge relief to get in that much earlier and not have to stress so much about getting to Fresno so late. So I'm trying to figure out what to do. Input or thoughts anyone??
Yes I know, I should keep stress to a minimum. Shit.

5 Day Transfer

So the embryologist called this morning. I'm being moved to a 5 day transfer which will happen on Tuesday. Yippee!!!!!!! As of this morning I had 1-9 cell embryo, 3-8 cell embryos, 1-4 cell embryo and 1-3 cell embryo. So I have 6 still moving along and 4 that sound pretty good to me. She is going to do assisted hatching today I think she said. Then Tuesday is my transfer!!!! Yay!!! Today I'm going to try to get some cleaning done and then this afternoon leave for Fresno. I'll empty all my stuff out of the car and stay the night down there so I don't have to get up at 2am to get to orientation on time.

Show And Tell

For show and tell this week I didn't know what I should bring to class. I haven't had much going on this week other than the IVF stuff which is big but much of it not really all that photo graphical. I am refraining from posting pics of all my lucky charms that I had on Thursday or my deformed bed and semi empty apartment. So here are just a few random pictures from my week.
This is Luna all curled up on my bed. It cracked me up how she had her tail curled around her face so I took a few photos. She didn't seem to care much. You can even see her couple of really long whiskers. The breed of cat that I have usually don't have long whiskers, just curly little short ones. They do occasionally get a long one here or there.
This pic is from Wednesday after I went to go pick up super spermies and had a cooler full of dry ice pellets. I of course had to drop one in the cats water to see what Sara would do. She was fascinated at first, then wanted nothing to do with the steaming cup. Don't worry, I changed her water after I snapped the pic.

Then here's a pic of Bleu and I on my ER day. I of course couldn't wear my contacts because of how I was supposed to be asleep and all. Haha. I guess I should have mentioned that I'm the one in the green.

So that's been my week. My apartment is mostly empty. My bed, the vacuum, litter boxes, some clothes and food is all that's left in it. This coming Wednesday I leave for Sp0kane for Thanksgiving and packing. Oh goody. Really not looking forward to the packing part.

If anyone else wants to play along with show and tell this week then head on over to Stirrup Queens and join in the fun.

Grateful

Thanks everyone for all your well wishes. I don't want anyone to think that I'm not grateful for the 5 good and 3 maybe embies I have. I really am truly grateful. I think it was just my initial reaction because for my 1st cycle I had 7 eggs retrieved and on day 1 I had 5 fertilized. It was pointed out to me though that of those 5 I don't know how many were 2pns or 1pns etc. I just knew there were 5. So when I heard 5 I started comparing and remembering that I only had 3 that were good at day 3 and it didn't work. I'm feeling better now. I'm back to being mostly calm and feeling pretty comfortable with all of this. It is a good fertilization report. I'm happy with it.
I haven't accomplished much today. I had to go to the store to get solution for my contacts etc and just getting out was nice but still I'm really not feeling that good. Movement is uncomfortable. My stomach feels heavy and I'm not just talking about the usual fat heaviness. It just feels heavy and movement is really uncomfortable. Speed bumps? Yeah, they're evil. And everywhere. Each one I went over felt like my ovaries and all the extra fluid I'm sure is still there was bouncing around. Hopefully this gets better soon. The results are that I've done a lot of sitting around and not doing much. Oh well. It's not like there is tons to do. Just basic cleaning of the apartment and packing up the last few things that I've been using this week. Monday I go to Fresn0 for orientation at the hospital. I'm planning on taking my TV down at that time. Tuesday I'll be back here and then home to Washington on Wednesday. Is it pathetic to say I'm going to be seriously bored on Tuesday without a TV or probably internet. And even more pathetic to admit that Tuesday is my favorite TV night and I'm bugged about the fact that I will miss NCIS and House. I know. I'm pathetic.

Fertilization Report

So I just got the call with the fertilization report. I have 8 that are still growing or working on growing. 4 were discarded. Of the 8 that are still there 5 are 2pns which is where they are supposed to be and are good fertilization's there are 2 1pns and 1 that didn't show it had fertilized yet. Back in the incubator they go and they will be checked again on Sunday and it will be decided at that time if I have a 3 day transfer or a 5 day transfer. I'm glad I've got 5 that are doing well. I'm trying and struggling a little bit with the whole wishing for more. I know that 5 is still good. I do. Of course I can't deny though that I had hoped for one of those stellar reports of like all of them fertilized and are doing wonderfully. But I do know that 5 is good. I do. I'll hang on to the hope that of those 5 at least 2 will make it to a great transfer. Now I have cleaning and a bunch of other things to do so maybe I can make mind think of something else other than worrying about my embies.

Home And Happy!!

Well, I'm home. ER is done. So are you ready for it??? I had 9 follies that they measured the other day. Doc today said that sometimes they don't get all the eggs.
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12 eggs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A nice even dozen!!! I am so freaking excited. This is better than I had even hoped for. I should get the fertilization report tomorrow sometime so now looking forward to that. I had all my lucky charms with me today and overall I'm ecstatic with the results so far. I will say though that they gave me a lot of medication for sedation and it didn't really work. At all. I was wide awake and remembered and felt pretty much all of it. Fun stuff. Bearable though and I survived so it's all good. Now I think I'll check in on blogs and maybe take a nap. I was too wound up to sleep much last night so I'm a bit tired right now.

Trigger Soon

Well I'll give myself my trigger shot in a couple of hours. My doctors office still has never heard anything about whether I can use the samples I currently have so I went ahead and had my paperwork for the new bank sent in and got registered. I'm driving to SF tomorrow to pick up the vials and will drop them off back at my doctors office. I have to be back at the doctors office at 8:30 Thursday morning for my retrieval. I suppose I still have time to do the whole panic freak out thing that I remember from last time but I so far feel way more calm about this. I remember last time the day I had my last scan and had to go pay my fees for ER and all that just having this "oh my god what am I doing" feeling. This time I'm calm. I'm doing what I need to do to get to where I want to be. The cycle for the most part so far has been pretty good (with the exception of the whole sperm donor issue) and I'm ready for this. I'm definitely ready for it to work. I'm ready to be a mom. And if it doesn't, I suppose I can deal with that too. Not that I'm not feeling really positive about this cycle, I just feel like I am prepared to deal with whatever happens. Lets hope I'm right.

11 Months

So, egg retrieval is Thursday. Which is exactly 11 months after my first egg retrieval. Wow, hard to believe that almost a year has passed. Scan this morning went fine. Follies are moving along as expected. I'm glad I'm not working this week as I'm really not super comfortable right now. The whole sperm issue is still unknown but I did have the doctors office print out the paperwork today for the new bank and I filled it all out and left it there for them to fax. I'm more at peace with the whole issue right now. I decided on a donor that I'm ok with. The timing still sucks but it will still all work out fine. And if I have to drive to SF tomorrow to pick up sperm then I can also stop and get a cupcake at that fantastic place I found last month.

Two

So I have the list of potential donors in case I have to switch narrowed down to 2. That's a big step since yesterday I had a list of like 20. Funny thing is that the new sperm bank was one I had looked at over the summer and had right away found a donor I liked really well. I didn't keep the scrap of paper that I wrote it down on though and I have no idea which one it was. I spent part of the day going through virtually every profile looking for that one donor. I think I did find him but he is sold out. It would have made it much easier if he had some left but oh well. Funny thing is that one of the donors I'm leaning towards seems very religious. As in working towards a degree in divinity. However I like that he is also very vocal about wanting to advocate for gay rights. The other donor is 6'9". Wow. Still thinking and deciding and trying not to worry about the logistics of how I go about getting set up with a new bank and getting my samples in 2 days. I would have to drive over to SF to get them but that wouldn't be too bad I suppose. And yes in my head I'm still hoping this will end up being a non issue and I will be able to use the samples I've already purchased and that are already there at the office.

Just Another Saturday

So I got most of my stuff moved yesterday. What a very long day it was too. Picked up a u*haul trailer at 8am, came home loaded most everything up and was on the road by 10:30, hoping to make it to Fresn0 by 2. That didn't happen. Freeway was backed up because of an accident so I pulled off for an hour, pottied and napped a bit then back in line to wait almost another hour to go 2 miles. Finally got to Fresn0 about 4pm. Unloaded and back driving to Sac. I came home and mostly collapsed.
My ovaries ache. I really don't remember that part from before but am guessing it was there. I'm trying to just take it easy. I have cleaning etc to do around my house but not to much more moving. Except for little things which can be the worst at moving but oh well.
I'm also trying to figure out when to start work. I had planned to do orientation on the 24th and the 2nd. If my ER is on Wed of this coming week and if I possibly end up with a 5dt that could interfere with orientation on the 24th and for the day on the 2nd I fly into Sac on the afternoon of the 1st and would have to come to my apartment, vacuum, pick up the cats and the last of stuff left here and then drive to Fresno, get access to house and sleep before going to work the next morning. Ultimately it would be easiest to wait and do orientation on the second Monday in December. That way I'm not coming in on Monday and having to rush out of my apartment and drive down to Fresno. However as far as money goes it would be better to start sooner. I guess I'll wait and see what happens with ER etc. Oh and I had a bit more drama to deal with today. Turns out I may not be able to use my sperm donor that has already been sent to the clinic as they bank doesn't have a license to ship to California. Yet they did? Also I've used them before with current and previous doc. I guess the new doc in the practice is making an issue out of the lack of license or whatever and so they are checking with the state on Monday to see if I can still use it. If not, I have to find a new donor. My Dr is going above and beyond to try to make this right and help me with this situation. I'm not upset with him although I am a bit annoyed with the other doctor. The sucky thing is that a lot of thought went into picking that one. I've spent a good part of the day today looking at donors and my mind is swimming with all the variables. I've looked at so many profiles I can't think clearly about any of them anymore. So I'll stop for now and go back tomorrow and look at my short list and hope that I get to be the exception and still use the current donor that I already have.

Hello Dildo Cam

Scan was today. It was all good. I'm a bit farther behind than what I expected to be but it's not a bad thing. I just figured I would be closer to being ready. I have 7-8 follies growing and they are a bit smaller. I will be stimming for 4 more days and have another scan on Monday. Most likely ER will be on Wednesday of next week. The interesting part of this is that I am already feeling bloated and crampy. More than I remember at this point last time. Maybe I should go back and look at my blog posts in January. I'm not horribly uncomfortable but I'm not really comfortable either. A little bit of feeling just blech and sort of a constant there headache. All of that ads up to a not very productive me. Tomorrow I'm picking up a uhaul trailer and taking most of my stuff down to Fresno. I sort of hate to move everything quite so soon but the flip side is that I also hate to leave it for next week and then feel awful next week and not be able to really do it. So, tomorrow I'm taking most everything. I'll leave my TV and the thing that sort of resembles a bed. My lap top and some books etc. Everything else hopefully should go. Then it's just waiting for next week.

Planning

Yup, planning again. I think sometimes this is my favorite past time. Or I guess I could say I'm working on the details. The details of getting my stuff down here from Washington. I am getting money from the new job for relocation which will be nice. I had sort of thought to move everything all in the spring. Then I found out that I have to provide the receipts for moving within 90 days. So, I have to move sooner. Right now I'm trying to work out the details of how I'm going about this and when etc but hopefully I will have everything moved soon. I had a few moments of freak out. I kept thinking "what if I should change my mind, want to leave, etc" and "shouldn't I just leave it all there?" I feel though like I need to commit to this. I need to make a decision and follow through with it. Not leave myself a back door out. Which isn't to say that at some point down the road I can't reassess and do things differently but for now I feel like I need to commit to this decision. And I want my stuff, especially my bed. So I'm working on a plan to get all my stuff moved. The sooner the better too. Especially for the bed. The other night I was sleeping and again was woke by the loud popping noise of my bed springing another hernia. Oh goody. It's right next to the last one but this is now taking up more of my use able sleeping space. Right now it's close to half of the bed is all bumpy and when I rolled over this morning the shift in air almost rolled me right out of bed. I'm a bit worried that in the next month or so it will do this again and if I'm sleeping in the spot that pops I may end up being popped out of bed like a piece of toast from a toaster. So getting my bed has become somewhat necessary. Hopefully in the next couple of weeks I'll have all the details fixed and then when I'm home for Thanksgiving I suppose I'll be doing some frantic packing.

Long Day

Today's trip to Fresn0 was a fairly productive day. I took a load of stuff down and stuck it in storage. I went to the hospital and filled out all of the necessary paperwork etc for employment and peed in a cup and had my blood drawn. They had to draw titers for my MMR and Varicella and while I already have those titers somewhere I'm not totally sure where so they just drew the blood. No biggie. I also managed to look at a house while I was there, fill out the application etc. I also got the house!!! It's a nice house with a small back yard that should be great for Sadie. There is a patio in the back with a built in grill which is nice. The house has no carpet, only tile which believe it or not will be nice since kitty pee is much easier to clean up off tile floors than carpet. Not to mention all the pet hair issues.
So I have a job and a place to live. Not a moment to soon either. The drama here with work continues and I'm not really expecting it to improve much. Last week when all the crap started the hospital that I had the problem at had immediately (without contacting my recruiter etc) sent out notification to all the other hospitals saying not to use me. They did later rescind that notice however the damage was sort of done and now the hospital that I typically got most of my hours at is refusing to use me. There is only one hospital right now that is still happy to use me and it's the smallest of the three. I'm sort of thinking I may not get many hours there or at all here in Sacramento. So tomorrow I need to call various creditors and tell them I have no idea how I can pay them this month. Oh goody. So, I'm more than happy that I do have a new job to go to and will be starting soon.
Right now outside of the money stress I am feeling better about things. I feel like things are falling into place really well which makes me feel better about my decision.
I also am starting to feel my ovaries. I had to wear jeans all day today since I didn't want to show up at the hospital in sweats. They got to the point of being so uncomfortable on all my bruises that I undid them for the drive home. Glad I didn't get in an accident. Plus I've noticed today some sort of cramping or fullness in the ovary region. Also a little nausea. Headache too but I think that might be more related to my contacts than anything else. They aren't working very well lately. My scan is on Thursday, hopefully all looks good and hopefully I will know when my ER should be at that point.

Where I Forget To Slow Down And Think

I have this really bad tendency to not make myself slow down and think all the steps through. Which ends up causing me problems. Which ends up being annoying to say the least. I was available to work all weekend. I didn't work though. As usual. I didn't even get a phone call this weekend saying I had been cancelled. Annoying but I had things to do and I'm seriously tired of this job. So I packed. I gathered boxes and packing materials. I actually gathered way to many boxes I think but oh well. I spent yesterday packing and while it may not necessarily look like it, I do have most everything packed. I don't really have quite as much as it feels like I do at least here in California. At home is a totally different story. Anyways, back to the not thinking things all the way out. I need to go down to Fresn0 to fill out all the necessary paperwork, pee in a cup etc. Had I actually stopped and thought about all of this I would have come to the conclusion that I likely wouldn't be able to just walk in and do this. No, I would have realized I would need an appointment. However since I hadn't worked all weekend and I was getting packed and found a possible house to rent online I decided that it would be a good plan to go to Fresn0 today. I called my recruiter and had him cancel my shift for tonight, I loaded up my car with a bunch of the boxes I had packed up, showered and actually put make up on. Then called the hospital only to be told that the soonest they could get me in is tomorrow. And I am annoyed with myself because if I had stopped to think about it, I would have realized this before I did all the above stuff. Now I have a car load of stuff and I hate to leave it in my car overnight but I hate even more to haul it all back up the stairs so that tomorrow I can haul it all back down. So, in my car it will stay. Also tomorrow I will have to try to rush back from Fresn0 just in case I end up having to work. Especially since I really need to end up working. I just hate it when I do this and end up feeling so stupid. It's just my head gets ahead of myself with planning etc and I don't stop to think about all the steps. Hopefully this will still all work out tomorrow.

Show And Tell

Sorry, sorry. Running late to class today. Busy day so far with box collecting and packing etc. Plus trying to decide what to bring for show and tell. I thought about maybe taking a pic of all the bruises all over my stomach from my shots but I would want to ruin anyones breakfast, lunch and/or dinner with the accompanying ghost white rolls of chub. Then I thought that maybe I'd show my packing efforts but that just gives me a headache looking at all the boxes and trying to find my way around the house. So instead, we're back to pets. Today I present to you the amazing, heat seeking cat!!! This is my girlie Sara. She has decided that the most important thing in her life is to find the warmest place in the house. The other day that place was on top of the stove since I had the oven on. I just cracked up at her sitting there just soaking up the heat. The older she gets the more she seems to do this heat seeking thing and the more she reminds me of my old cat I had for almost 15 years. Airiel was similar in the heat seeking thing and could usually be found buried in blankets. You could not come into my house and just sit on a random blanket because it usually had a cat inside. I wish I had some pics of Airiel to post but I think they are all at home. So for now, just Sara.


For anyone else who wants to play along head on over to Mel's and join the fun.

The Roller Coaster Of My Life

So my life has been crazy the last 30 hours or so. Crazy stressful and the fact that my emotions are completely all over the place didn't help. Yesterday I got up and had an e-mail from work that I needed to call my recruiter about work. I called and was told that the hospital I had worked at the night before was saying that I had missed things and that I was being fired and was not to come back. It wasn't clear whether it was for that particular unit, that hospital or all 3 hospitals I've been working at lately. For someone who has never before been fired from a job this was pretty traumatic. It felt very strange too since the things they were stating I didn't do while yes likely should have been done, were not necessarily critical things. I went to bed last night feeling like I had possibly put my nursing license in jeopardy and wondering where or when I would work again. It was terrifying. This morning after talking to my boss it seemed a bit better. My boss seemed to also thing that the things that were missed were fairly minor, no harm came to the patient and after listening to my side of the story was off to call the manager to figure out what sort of way the issue could be worked out. It did end up getting worked out. Apparently the nurse manager would like me to not come back to the unit until I've had a chance to get more experience. She said at a later date I would be welcomed back and picking up shifts at the other hospitals or in other departments would be fine. I of course have NO desire to ever go back to that particular unit. None. Then I got news that it won't be necessary. I got the job I interviewed for last week in Fresno. Which a couple of days ago I had decided that maybe I didn't want to accept it if I got it since it is less money than traveling but this weeks incident has shown me yet again that maybe it's time to do a staff position. What happened yesterday would not have happened had I been a staff nurse. I may have been counselled etc but not the drama like happened. Also as a staff nurse I will actually be oriented to my department. Granted I did receive some orientation to the unit I was working on as a traveler doing med surg but as an agency nurse I really didn't. Factor that in with the fact that I was working in an area where I didn't have a lot of experience and it was a less than ideal situation. A situation that I don't want to repeat. So, this afternoon I accepted the job in Fresno. I'll be working in a short stay surgery area, on night shift. I'm looking forward to doing something new and having a chance to fit in somewhere on a more permanent basis. Maybe some day I'll try traveling again or maybe I won't. I think it's been a great experience but I'm ready for some more roots. Now I suppose I have to start packing again. I also need to decide eventually (I'm really not worrying about it yet too much) how and when I'm going to get my stuff from home and my dog. How to go about renting out my house since it obviously isn't going to sell anytime soon. Lots to do. Right now though I just want to focus on the next few weeks, figuring out where I'm going to live next and my lucky cycle.

Yes!!

What a glorious day today seems like. So much possibility ahead it makes me smile to think of it. Last night I had to work. I didn't get to see the speech but I still knew it was going on. That was a fantastic feeling. I had never felt so strongly about an election before and to have it be such a spectacular one at that is quite the experience.
Funny thing was I was in a patients room at 8:05pm and they were announcing Obama's win and the husband of my patient was very irked that they would announce it so early since the polls on the west coast just closed 5 minutes ago. Poor guy, I'm guessing he was voting for McCain.
I am hugely disappointed that prop 8 here in California passed. That is such a let down to think that there are so many people who can't or won't see beyond themselves and what they see as their idea of a perfect little world.
The other big fun exciting thing today is that I started my stims!!! So I am on my way!!! Yay for a great Wednesday!!!!!

Infertility Made Me This Way

Superstitious that is. I never really was superstitious before. The number 13 never bothered me nor did black cats. Many of the little things like knocking on wood or whatever really were never considered to have much truth to them. Now I find myself paying more attention. Maybe I'm hedging my bets.
In the past for various insemination's I've purchased baby items etc to surround myself with during the insemination. Oops, maybe I was supposed to banish all baby related things from my abode. I have a charm bracelet that I wore constantly for several trys that has all baby related charms. Last year right as I was getting ready to start my first IVF I went to Disney*land at Christmas time and spent 2 days searching out ever single wishing well and pond so that I could toss my pennies (and quarters, nickles and dimes) in while wishing for a successful pregnancy. And yes I did feel a little bit let down that the happiest place on earth didn't work it's magic on me. Stupid maybe. I know. So even though I'm trying not to obsess about luck and superstition it's still there in the back of my mind. I've got all my lucky meds donated by other fantastic women. I've got my lucky socks now. I've got a fantastic doctor that I trust very much. Now I've got another very small bit of good luck. The other night someone brought Chinese to work. I took a fortune cookie and the fortune was stupid. I tossed it. Then as I was leaving work the next morning I noticed several other cookies sitting there. I grabbed one, stuck it in my bag and promptly forgot about it until last night when I was going in to work. So I cracked it open. My fortune said "You will soon be involved in many gatherings and parties." It just sounds good. So I'll hope this is a little more good luck for this cycle I'm so optimistic about. Or maybe I'm just crazy.

Show And Tell

So for my first IVF cycle I had tried to do the whole take a picture of all my meds, you know for the scrapbook and all and it just didn't work that well. It was a bit anticlimactic. Everything had fit in a medium sized box and the whole stack of it all never really looked that great. I don't think I even kept the pictures as it didn't look at all impressive. For this cycle though it definitely looks more impressive. Way more! Thanks to all the contributions I've received and all the extra needles etc my counter is FULL of stuff. So I piled it all up and took pictures of it all this week and these pictures are much more fun. So for my show and tell this week I thought I would share.
So this is a shot of all the meds, trying to get them all to fit into the frame. In the background is all the syringes and needles, sharps boxes etc. Also all of my other meds and my prenatal vitamins, extra folic acid, bcps etc.

Here's a pic of the syringes and needles. I had actually told the mail order pharmacy not to send me more syringes, alcohol or gauze, or another sharps box as I knew I could probably get them at work if I needed. Yeah, they didn't listen to me and now I've got tons. Oh and somewhere back there I have a huge baggie of the Q-cap things.

Here's another view of all the men0pur, some g0nal f that came in different packaging instead of the pens, my two hcg shot boxes (yes I have extra) and my Lupr0n and Viv*elle.

Here is a big stack of all my f0llistim and g0nal f, plus again the regular meds, lupr0n, viv*elle etc.

The stack of stims!! Oh and my fiber tabs.

These are the gauze sponges I received. These totally crack me up. Is the packaging on these total overkill or what?? The packaging for a simple 2x2 gauze is like 10 times bigger than the actual gauze. And apparently these will show up on x-ray because that's important. I got a big bag of like 30 of these.

And then there are these. They came yesterday via UPS but since crawling out of bed to answer the door was beyond me, I actually got them this morning. I think that these are maybe lucky socks?? I think I even know who sent them, the super sweet K. Updated to say yes it was the super sweet K who sent my fancy socks. What a fantastic surprise they were! Thanks so much!!

Now, let's head on over to Stirrup Queens and see what everyone else is showing today!!