A New Year And The Year Past

I've spent a lot of time thinking in the past few days about my past year. I saw another post last night where a blogger thought at the end of 2007 that 2008 was sure to be a better year, now she was thinking that 2009 would be. I related to that feeling. 2007 brought my first chemical pregnancy. I felt hopeful by that knowing that I could get pregnant. This time last year I was so excited. I was days away from starting my stim meds for my first IVF cycle. The cycle I was soooo sure would work. So sure that I had told myself and everyone else that it was my last cycle and that if that didn't work I was just going to move forward with a foreign adoption. I was sure that 2008 would be a stellar year full of many fantastic things. I was sure that I would be a mom by Christmas and I would be spending the holidays at home with my new baby. Now I feel so unsure about everything. This past year has brought not one but two failed IVF's. I've now had 3 chemical pregnancies and the fact that at least I know I can get pregnant is no longer a hopeful thought and does nothing to make me feel better. I am in a new place and while I like this place I don't know if it feels like it's home. I miss Jan and Jim back in Washington so much but outside of missing them I don't know if I would move back there again. I've come to love California. I never thought I'd say that but I do.
I was reading another blog post a few days ago about not being a parent at Christmas. It made me think about how sure I had been last year that I would be a parent by this past Christmas. Then I realized that even if things go as planned I won't be a parent next Christmas either and I wanted to just sit and cry. Because even if things go as planned I won't be able to afford to try again with donor eggs before probably this time next year. I have to be honest here when I say the idea of sitting here in a holding pattern for at least the next year and doing nothing is making me a little bit (or maybe a lot) crazy. The thought of waiting sucks really bad. It also makes me feel like I'm putting my life and happiness on hold until I can afford my next try. Which isn't totally true as I'm still living my life and all but is sort of true too. I was thinking that I'd try to get out and see more and do more this year since I'm not going to be TTC. I'd love to take a few trips. I'd love to maybe go to DC and go to one of the TOOTPU gatherings, maybe see a friend in Virginia whom I haven't seen in close to 11 years. Wow Becky, I can't believe it's been that long. However much of the getting out and doing more will cost money which I need to be saving or using on bills. I am going to try to do some things. I plan to find a quilting class to take. I've been wanting to do that for a long time. I'm even considering a short and inexpensive cruise. I don't plan on sitting home and moping all year. It still just hurts so damn bad to wait another year or more. Sometimes I even find myself thinking that I could just quit which in some ways and on some days feels like it might be less painful to just give up. I could quit trying. I'd be ok. Which does give me hope that if this were to never work I'd be ok. I wouldn't die. I'd be devastated but I'd be ok. I think about how I do have a good life and how I could enjoy things that I wanted. I could travel, spend my money on whatever I wanted, it wouldn't matter if I lived in a condo and therefore I could live in more expensive places that I wouldn't consider with children. But I think that somewhere down the road I would regret not trying everything possible. Just thinking of the what next though is so discouraging and disheartening that I find myself wanting to bury myself in a book again and not think. Not think about what my next step is and when it might occur. Not think about how no matter what I do in the meantime it feels as if a part of my life is at a standstill.