Just Another Saturday Night

I'm feeling better today thank goodness. Yesterday was pretty much miserable. Today is ok. Still heavier than usual but ok.
I'm doing ok I think. I feel like I'm in this weird stage of wondering whats next and feeling left behind. I'm still sort of numb and find that I'm not feeling nearly as upset as I thought I would. I have a lot of different things bouncing around in my head.
Someone asked if I would try again. Yes, likely I will but not with my own eggs. I'm done. Yes I realize that I could continue with my own eggs and do a couple of more cycles and maybe I'd get lucky and get that one that would work and stick. However in my mind I've had 3 chemical pregnancies. So things are fertilizing. They are implanting. And then it's stopping. This to me seems like it is likely an egg quality issue just based on my age etc. I could do another cycle and do PGD to see for sure if it's an egg quality issue but in my mind I just can't justify it. I know that if I tried another cycle with my own eggs and if it didn't work I would be pissed at myself for "wasting" the money. So I'm done with my eggs. Which is a bit of a weird feeling. Just the thought that I likely will not ever again do the whole shooting up with hormones on myself to get myself to the point of egg retrieval. Not really a sad feeling, just a weird feeling. The part of this that I'm having the most difficulty with is the idea that it will take me a year or two to save up the money for another cycle. Before this last cycle I sort of looked at that "break" as a good thing. A chance to do some things that I wouldn't be doing otherwise. Now that break seems so ungodly long. Unfathomably long. I hate the idea of waiting that long. However there is absolutely no way it will happen sooner. Or at least no way I can come up with. So for now I work and try to pay off my bills and save money for the next round. I don't know if when it comes down to it my sister will still be willing to donate eggs to me. She has mentioned it in the past but who knows. There is also the whole allergy factor that bothers me. I've always avoided sperm donors with allergies as the idea of getting rid of my fur babies bothers me a lot. My sister is horrible allergic to cats. I don't know. I don't know how I feel about it etc. I want to move on with the next step but know that for now patience is something I need to work on. My blog may become very boring in the next year or so.