Calm Before The Storm

Hi, still here. Sorry everyone. The last couple of days I've had the choice between sleep or blogging and sleep has won. The evil pro*metrium and the schedule from hell have wore me out. The last 2 days I have rolled out of bed a mere 45 minutes before I must leave the house to gain a decent parking spot, showered and semi dried my hair before running out the door. I just couldn't make myself get up that hour earlier to check blogs.
Anyways, I'm still here and strangely, pretty calm. Now I realize that I still have like 6 days for that to all go to hell in a hand basket but so far I'm doing pretty good. Granted I've worked an awful lot the last few days and haven't had much time to think about it. I have 2 nights off and then work straight through to testing day on the 5th. Not much of anything in the way of symptoms that can't be explained off by the progesterone. I have a TON of stuff to do in the next couple of days. I need to do laundry. I have completely run out of scrubs (a really large feat as I have a lot of them) and almost out of underwear. I am out of solid light colored underwear that can't be seen through my scrubs. I also almost goofed the other night and forgot (I may have done this before?) that my light blue panties weren't plain. They have writing on them. On the ass. That says I (heart) bad boys. Really glad I didn't wear those. They seemed funny at the time. So I've lost another pound or 2 of the huge gain last week. Granted I've eaten enough in the last couple of days that I will likely gain it back. Such is life. I also need to clean my pit of an apartment, pay bills, look for hotel reservations for next week as my BF R is coming down to LA for work and is coming a few days early to see me. I also really need to sort of start thinking a little bit about Christmas shopping. And getting my cards/letters done and sent. Which brings me to another funny, not really haha sort of thing. Last year I had told many of my relatives what my plans were for TTC. My thought being that I didn't want to drop a bomb that was completely unexpected. I do remember several saying maybe to wait but I was so excited and so sure I would be pregnant by now. So, even if I got a BFP on the 5th, I really don't want to announce it that early. Too early, too much can happen. So I suppose I will find a way around it. And I don't know why I worry (I shouldn't care what others think) but I worry that there will be those who think "There's crazy Michell again, flighty and never sticks to any one thing, destined to be single forever and is possibly a lesbian" Not that I really care if they think that last part as I think it's kind of funny (I know one uncle for sure thinks this and possibly my mom) but I hate it that I feel like people really don't take me seriously. And maybe the do and this is only my perception. But I've seriously had relatives not call me for a funeral because "we didn't know how to reach you". Hello, I've had the same phone number for 5 years despite where I lived. And yes, I've moved a lot and my address is maybe hard to keep track of but that doesn't mean that I'm not a responsible adult anyways. I just have a different way of doing things. Maybe it's ADD. Ok and yes I suppose maybe I'm feeling a little bit emotional or moody. Maybe I should just go to bed.

Sleep is My Friend

I love to sleep. I know I will have to adjust to less sleep someday when I have my baby but for now I enjoy it so much. I ended up sleeping another 8 hours or so last night and into this morning.
A few things I forgot to mention in last nights post. I gained like almost 10 pounds last week. I'm pretty sure it was almost all water weight and I have now lost like 5 of it in the last 2 days but no wonder I felt like crap. My whole body last week on IUI day felt heavy. My fat felt heavier than normal. Which has led to some yucky muscle spasms in my back. I had some on my right flank area on Saturday night that had wondering what kidney stones felt like. The spasms finally went away though. I also have itchiness everywhere right now. I usually have pretty sensitive skin and have in the past had rashes that I never have figured out the cause for and it's back. It actually started back in like August or September with one spot on my inner upper arm. Now it's on both inner upper arms, under my breasts, under my stomach, insides of my thighs and behind the knees. I hate this and am afraid to even use hydro*cortisone cream. I did find some stuff with no steroids and have been using that but it doesn't work as well. I hate being itchy.
I bought a new Christmas CD yesterday by M*nnheim Ste*amroller who has some of my favorite Christmas music. I tried to listen to it while I was going to sleep last night. Didn't work. There is singing on the CD and the voice just about scared the crap out of me. There I was hovering on the edge of sleep and all of the sudden there is a mans voice in my bedroom. I'll have to restrict that one to awake hours.
Oh and I had a question about buying music online. I have in the past bought all my music from W*lmart but am rather frustrated. Apparently I can only load it on one computer and therefore can't listen to it on my laptop and it wouldn't transfer onto my MP3 player either. So I need a new music service to buy from. I was looking at I t*nes last night but couldn't find anything that said if I could load that music onto MP3 players that weren't Ipods. I don't have an Ipod or an Iphone and I'm not really that likely to get either as I have an MP3 player and I don't want to switch phone carriers to have an Iphone. I also was looking at one that you pay a monthly fee and can download a certain number of songs per month but I don't really know if I like that idea as well. If anyone had input though it would be great.

So Tired

This week feels like it has drug on forever. I'm just so tired right now. I worked 60 hours in one week. Yuck. I don't know how some people do this every single week. It all went pretty well and wasn't horribly busy but I'm just tired. I'm off work tonight and back tomorrow night. I have to say that my schedule this month isn't very good. I had asked for some days off and in the process of scheduling those days off I ended up with a crappy schedule. I had one stretch scheduled with 5 on, one off and then 3 on. I went and told the scheduler that I couldn't (wouldn't) do that and so she changed it to 4 on 2 off 3 on, then went back and changed it to 4 on 1 off 3 on. Guess I may be calling in sick one of those days. Especially if this month works. Not to much else going on in my world. I've been too busy/tired to spend much time thinking about did it work or did it not. I did get my progesterone supplements which makes me feel more confident if nothing else. Part of me feels like I've got a pretty good chance of it working and part of me keeps thinking that statistically the chance of getting a positive after a sort of positive the very next month can't be that good. I know, many times I simply need to turn my brain off. So now I'm seriously considering going back to bed.

Did You All Go Shopping?

I did but not really by choice. I needed to fill my prescription for Pr*metrium and so I had to go to Target which was pretty much a zoo. I went a head and picked up a few other things while I was there and looked around at the sales which didn't seem that great. I tried to get out of the store as quickly as possible. Yesterday was pretty uneventful. I slept most of the day and night as planned. Of course I was up at 8 this morning which will pretty much suck for work tonight but oh well, I'll live. I'm feeling a bit better although I still feel somewhat bloated. Not much else going on. Still calm but hey, it's early yet. Only 2 dpo. What another 10 days and we can all see what crazy looks like. So Candace posted a note to this effect in her blog but I will post it too. Jen, where did you go???? Your blog has disappeared and someone else has taken it over and your post on NW board about your baby has also disappeared as near as I can tell. I hope all is ok and would love to hear from you just to know it's all good.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!! I hope you all had a great day. My night was pretty good. I only had 3 patients all night and other than my one guy who was totally non compliant with everything the doctor has ordered and my other poor lady who woke up once confused and pulled her catheter out of her bladder (I really don't recommend this, looks painful) it was a pretty good night. I ended up being on my own floor which was awesome. Originally I had sort of looked forward to the idea of floating as I was an extra body last night but I really wasn't feeling well when I got to work last night and really wasn't looking forward to spending the night running my ass off. I spent the night feeling bloated and like my ovaries were huge. Just uncomfortable. Which is a good thing. Makes me feel great about my timing of the IUI again. Of course, how do I feel that yucky with only two eggs? Don't know, don't really care if it works.
So for my list of things I'm thankful for today
1. A well timed IUI. Please God or whomever is listening let this be the one.
2. All of my amazing friends in blog land who are always so supportive and all of my friends at home who are also helpful and supportive even when they really don't understand what it is I'm going through or getting upset about.
3. My job which is making it possible to continue working my my little science project (project get knocked up).
4. My furbabies even if Sara still won't use the litter box every single time, even the fancy new $100.00 one.
5. The fact that I have a home to go home to and even though it's awfully small it's still there.
6. My house sitter at home taking care of my dog so that I can be away from home to work.
7. The fact that I am much more financially sound than I was at this time last year.
Those are just a few of the things that I can think of off the top of my head. Now, I'm off to bed and will wake up later this afternoon so I can go have dinner with my friend Marie Callendar. It has to be better than the crap they served us at work last night.

IUI Done

Well, I have been sperminated. It was a different person that did it this morning. It was an RN that worked in the office. She was really nice and all I kept thinking was "See, I could be doing this if I could find a job". It went well and it was quick. I was home and in bed by 10:30. And I am so freaking tired right now that I seriously don't want to go to work. Whaaaaaa. Yes I'm whining. I just want to go back and crawl into bed again but then I keep thinking triple time and an extra 400 bonus for tonight. So I will go to work and then will likely spend all day and night tomorrow sleeping. Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Dildo Cam Monday

So I had my scan this afternoon. And I haven't had nearly enough sleep which worries me. I went to sleep at about 3 this morning and slept until 6 when I got up to go get my labs drawn. Then I got home at 7 but couldn't fall asleep right away so finally went to sleep around 8 and slept till noon. And I'm tired. And I have to work tonight. Oh well.
So the scan is done and I'm trying not to feel to disappointed. I had 2 follies. Technically I had 3 but one was only 8mm so not really any good. The other 2 were 16mm and 18mm. I was fairly sure I was on a pretty low dose of med as it basically didn't cost nearly as much as I expected it to but I had hoped to have more follies. Heck I had more on Cl*mid. Although again I'm fairly sure it thinned my lining a lot as my period was really light. Yes I know it only takes one eggie and 1 spermie but I had truly hoped for more targets to aim for. Definitely will ask for the progesterone supplements this cycle too. I trigger tonight and do my IUI on Wednesday morning. They wanted to schedule me for 10:30 at which point I explained that this was like midnight for me. They are going to try to squeeze me in at 9:15. Then I wait. Which I am so good at. One other thing though was that the NP talked about how she was encouraged by the fact that it did do something last month so at least we know I can get pregnant. Also said something along the lines of now this month it's going to stick. Oh I hope so. Now, I think I may go try to sleep for an hour before I have to shower and go to work.

Ahh, The Weekend.

Thank you for weekends. I spent most of today sleeping and will likely head back to the direction of my bed soon. I hate that transition from nights to days as I'm always so tired the first day. And when you've only got 2 days that doesn't leave much. Work was fairly busy again last night. It went fine, just busy. And you're right B, I'm a little grumpy. I'm just in one of those frames of mind where everything is bugging me. I just feel irritable. The only other times in the past when I have felt like this is when I was on BCP's and when I wasn't taking anti-depressants, usually when first coming off of them. I don't really like feeling like this as I'm guessing I'm not that pleasant to be around. I figure it has to be the meds which again I'll take it if this is what I need to do. The last day or so I have been feeling occasional twinges in my ovary region, hope that means I've got eggies growing. I have a couple of headaches and this morning I noticed feeling bloated again. Otherwise not much. Oh, except (pardon the TMI) my pee smells weird. Kind of metallic like and this morning I got a drop of the G*onal F on my hand and it smelled metallic so that must be the cause. I know that's probably a weird thing to notice. I have my scan on Monday so we'll see how it's going. That will be CD 10 for me. I have no idea when they will do IUI. I think next week may be a bit rough. As much as I was anxious for AF a week and a half ago, it probably would have been better to have been a week later here. I am scheduled to work 60 hours next week with the holiday. Yuck. Paycheck will be nice though. I had to do it that way as I was scheduled for 4 shifts this week but not for Thanksgiving. In order to get the most cash bonus from my agency (which I'm hoping will buy baby furniture) I have to work all 3 holidays. I suppose it didn't have to happen this way and admit I'm a bit greedy but since I'm down here I am trying to make my time count as much as possible. And when I told them to schedule me for 4 a week I thought they would actually schedule me for the holiday.

On another topic, last week I saw on Jenna's blog she had a post where she nominated quite a few people for The Blogger Flame of Fortitude, including me.

I admit that I was surprised to see my name there, and I haven't posted this sooner because I'm not sure I feel like I deserve it. Yes, this whole journey to pregnancy for me hasn't been as easy as I thought it would be but then I was naive enough to think that it would only take one or two tries. And even after I knew I wasn't ovulating very well, I kept trying on my own at home for 3 more tries. I haven't tried nearly as much as many of you in my circle have and I haven't been through as much as many have. So I feel a bit funny posting this. However I was asked to do this and to share it with others so here we go. I would like to nominate everyone on my list but especially B&K, Marci, Rajen, Tracey, Michelle, and Deena. I feel like you all would deserve this so much more than me since it was my reading of your journeys first from a chat board that I found one night while contemplating my idea to be a mom and then by finding your blogs that shared that part of your life that prompted me to blog about my own journey. I love the fact that I have found a group of friends who know what it's like to be where I'm at, who have been through so much. If not for the first people who turned me on to blogging, I never would have found the rest of you who are such a wonderful network of support. I love the fact that in this madness we can still laugh at ourselves and find the humor in most any situation and that even though we haven't met in person and may not we still are friends. Thanks everyone.

Thank God It's Friday

I am so glad it's Friday. Last night wasn't too bad at work. I only had 2 patients until 5am and then I got a 3rd so it was a fairly easy night. However I had one crazy patient. And while I realize she couldn't help it, she still made me nuts. I asked if she needed to urinate, she started telling me about her toes. She pulled her IV out and when we had to restart a new one got all pissy and screached and hollered, then she unhooked her IV fluids and let them drain all over the floor. I'm still just a little bitchy. I was walking down the hallway last night after having gone down to our main floor to get a ream of paper after the 2 coworkers had sat and argued about where they would get paper to print with (both too lazy to go get it themselves) and another coworker looked at me from way down the hall and said, hmm, you look happy. I laughed and told him yes he had pegged that one just right. It's just little things. It's don't mess with my stuff I'll do it myself and my way. It's annoyance at coworker going into an empty patient room and taking an hour long nap (unprofessional). I know we are slow but come on. But then I'm sitting there reading a book so I guess that's not much better. I don't know why it bugs me so much. Maybe because I'm hopped up on hormones. Well back to work tonight and then I'm off for 2 nights. Yay!!!!

Good News Bad News

Good new is that I was so busy for most of the first half of my shift last night that there wasn't any time to worry. 3 admits and a discharge in 3 hours. Yikes. Oh and then there was the code brown. Poor confused patient swimming in poo. Yuck. I really really really appreciate nurses aides. Bad news is that I am feeling just a wee bit bitchy and just a tad emotional. So far though bitchy is winning. I could have walked down to the pharmacy and strangled someone when it took more than 3 hours for me to have pain meds available to my patient. Their response was, we're really busy and behind. Mine was "are you going to come explain to my patient why I STILL can't give her any pain medication after surgery??" But hey I made it through the night and no one is dead which is a good thing as nurses who murder their co-workers find it difficult to remain gainfully employed.

Worry Wart

Yup, that's me. I'm worrying again over things that there are no point in worrying over. Namely where I am at in my cycle. So AF started later Friday night and since it was late we called Saturday CD1 which the NP pretty much agree with. Friday night was mostly spotting and Saturday picked up a little. But I never did really have a normal period. It was very light. Which could be related to Cl*omid thinning my lining and therefore there just wasn't much in there to get rid of. But then that evil little voice in my head keeps saying "yes, but what if that was just breakthrough bleeding from the Pr*overa and not really your period. What if you start your period next week?" If anyone can tell me exactly what part of my head I can truly locate that voice as originating from, I'd like to seriously do away with it. It makes me crazy. Incidentally, I'm still spotting, not a lot but it's more red than brown. I'm worried that I jumped the gun and this cycle won't work because my cycle is all messed up and I wasn't truly CD1. However the Dr said the scan looked fine. So far I'm not feeling any "symptoms" yet. Too soon I know to feel like the medication is working. I know I need to stop worrying. This cycle will work or it won't. And I don't know why I'm getting so freaked out about it. Other than I want to go home and I want to be pregnant so freaking bad.
I also thought of something else last night after I spoke with my sister. She had asked a bit about my efforts in getting pregnant and if I wanted a boy or a girl and if I had names picked out etc. And I didn't ask her if she had a name picked out for her baby yet. And I feel like a big heel today. I feel like in my disappointment for myself I was insensitive to her. And since she has no idea what I'm going through it's not like she automatically understands why I didn't ask.
And then this morning I had an awful dream. I dreamed I had gotten a puppy and it looked exactly like Sadie (I think it was Sadie when she was little before I had her) and I had taken her home and left her outside for the night and when I went out the next morning she was laying on the porch. Then I went out again later and she was still in the same spot and hadn't moved and I freaked out thinking she was dead. Then she moved her ear and I knew she was alive but she was really sick and really weak and I felt like it was my fault as I was neglecting her and that I hadn't paid enough attention to her. Basically I woke up feeling pretty yucky. Couple guesses as to where that dream came from??
So now I need to go to work and maybe I can relax a bit. I hope.

You Just Know

When I got home from grocery shopping today I noticed I had missed a phone call from my little sister. I hadn't talked to her since about May and was surprised to see she had called. Before I called her back the thought came to me that she was going to tell me she was pregnant. I was right. She is 5 months pregnant and having a baby girl. I am very happy and excited for her, please don't think I'm not. I'm just so sad for me. I want to be pregnant too. The things that she was complaining about (she wasn't being insensitive) I would give almost anything that I have to have or feel myself. It's a sad thing how different all of this feels to someone who has a difficult time getting pregnant compared to others. I don't know if this was planned or not although I know she had a miscarriage back in January.
So I haven't talked a lot about my siblings but I do have them. A brother and a sister.
My little sister is 20 and lives in Minnesota. We were really close when she was very young but then when my mom and I started having problems over the whole religion thing we weren't allowed to communicate. Once she got away from my mom I started hearing from her off and on although I don't hear from her frequently. I guess it's just the normal busyness that happens to everyone although I do sometimes wish I heard from her more frequently. I also know that yes I could be the one to call more often too. I also got news on my brother which was a bit surprising. My brother is basically a drifter who is wanted in who knows how many states (come to find out he is a level 2 sex offender). I haven't spoken with him or heard from him in 10 years. I'm pretty much ok with this although I do feel badly for him as he had a very difficult beginning to life before my family adopted him at age 3. According to the Washington state web site he is currently incarcerated. Interesting. Sad too. Also apparently my mom has been asking my sister about me lately. I personally haven't heard from mom since February and that was a very short response to me telling her of my plans to become pregnant. Apparently she has been ok with my sisters pregnancy. Her thoughts on it are "I wish the circumstances were different but it's not the babies fault" That's a far cry better than the response I got from her about my plans. Her response to my plans was:
Thank you for writing and letting me know your future plans concerning a family. I'm sure you have given it much thought and weighed the pros and cons of such an arrangement. The key is that every child, no matter how conceived, is precious and needs a loving, nurturing environment with the right kind of guidance to help them get through life. The world's scene if forever changing and not for the better. Children need moral stability. They are so innocent when they are born and need all the love, care and discipline they can get.You have a full work schedule, so please also take good care of yourself.
I love you,
MOM
So this has left me feeling kind of weird all around. I am excited I'm going to be an aunt. I'm afraid that I may never get to be a mother (yes feeling a bit scared for whatever reasons). And I feel like my family is a bit loony. Oh and speaking of family. I never did hear anything back from my cousin about that dumb survey. Hmm. I think that's a good thing no matter how you look at it.
Yes, I'm aware I'm worrying and stressing over things that don't need to be stressed over.
In answer to K's question I got my meds from Fr**dom Pharmacy. And to Meg's comment, hey even my Hcg is sub-Q. And I think we are just going to do the progesterone suppositories. Fun fun. Maybe I'll get away with no IM shots.

Tuesday

So my meds arrived this morning already. All sitting in my fridge and waiting to be used. For those who commented about the shots being dreaded, they really aren't that bad. The needle is so incredibly small I don't even hardly feel it. And it's only a sub-Q injection which means it goes into the chubby part of my tummy. Not a big deal at all. The instructions for other stuff they gave me says I need to drink at least a half gallon of water a day, limit salt intake and I'm supposed to be taking a baby aspirin daily. I don't know how many of you remember it but when I was a kid they still had baby aspirin for kids, the St J*osephs chewable ones that were kind of orange flavored. I always really liked the taste of those (yes I am aware that I was strange). So I bought chewable ones again. Yeah, they don't taste that good anymore. Kind of yucky actually.
I am very confused by dentists. I had my teeth cleaned etc in March and was told I needed 3 fillings. I didn't have insurance though because of my job change and so I never got them taken care of. So finally in September I went and got my teeth cleaned again and the dentist from hell told me I needed 2 fillings. So I have no idea what happened to the 3rd one but ok. However that dentist scared the daylights out of me and I dreaded going back. He wouldn't prescribe valium or xanax for me so I decided last week to find a different dentist who would hopefully be more gentle. I had an appointment this morning and was way more impressed with new dentist than I had been with the other guy. However (and I am really happy about this, just confused) new dentist said I don't need any fillings. He did say that at some point in the future he thought I would need a crown on one of my back teeth but he didn't find any problems. So no follow up appointments until my next cleaning. WTF??? So were the other dentists just trying to pad their wallets a bit?? It's all good though as I don't need any more dental work. Yay!!!! Oh and I paid off another bill last week, my last credit card. I was a little worried that I was going to have to use that credit card for my meds but I didn't have to so I only have my Dell account and my windows left. That is a great feeling.

All Aboard

So the scan is done. Ovaries look good and meds have been started. I am going to be taking G*onal F 150 IU's daily for the next 7 days. I have a scan scheduled for next Monday and I also have to have my E2 drawn that day (before 7:30 am!! Yuck) and then I guess we will go from there. They gave me a sample of the med today which is essentially 2 doses and the rest of my med will be shipped to me by tomorrow or the next day I guess. Oh and as I was checking out they told me they had been under charging me. Apparently scans are $95 and IUI's are $335. Frustrating but I keep telling myself it's tax deductible if I have enough so I suppose we'll see. If it works, I don't care how much it's costing. Goofy I know. Now I am heading off to bed soon. I started getting a headache at work last night and by 5:30 it was pretty much migraine quality. Has let up quite a bit now but is still there so I think I will go sleep it off. Hope you are all having a good day.
Oh, and Jen, your blog is missing.

CD 1

Whoohoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, so it's CD 1 finally after a 36 day cycle. That is the longest I've ever had. Still isn't very heavy but I'll take it. Thank you everyone for all your kind and helpful words the last few days. I'm feeling better now. Now that AF is here and I know I'm back on the ride again. Today is Saturday and it took me a while to get a hold of someone from my doctors office. After calling 4 times this morning the exchange finally took a message and said they would have the NP call me back. She just called me back about 4 hours after I had left a message. She told me that I needed to call the office Monday morning and I would be coming in for a scan on Monday and I would be starting the meds on Monday. They apparently have some meds stocked in the office that they will sell me enough of to get me through until I can get my other meds. So, all aboard once again and away we go.

Confused and Anxious

So I went and picked up my Pro*vera last night on my way to work and I'm confused. It's essentially birth control (De*po Pro*vera, same line of drug anyways) and it's dumping more progesterone into my body, which will likely make my period disappear. So I sort of understand that it dumps the progesterone in and then when you stop taking it, you have a rapid drop and that forces your period. I just figured though when they told me not to let my period go beyond 35 days that what they would give me to bring it on would have more immediate results. So basically I can't expect AF for 10 days at least. Shit. I'm so anxious to just get started again and don't want to wait out another 10 days. I admit though that maybe it's better if I do wait out the 10 days. Oh and also the contraindications for the drug when I looked it up at work last night said that it was contraindicated with a missed abortion which isn't the same as a chemical pregnancy but it is kind of close. So what the hell???
Oh and an annoying thing. I had posted a resume on a prominent job site over the weekend thinking I would maybe look at if there were any jobs out there related to Infertility. I stated in my resume that I was looking for full time permanent employment in an Infertility related field. I have received in the last 3 days over 20 calls and 22 e-mails from various agencies looking for travel nurses, med-surg nurses in various hospitals around Washington etc. It's making me crazy. Do they not read? I seriously was called by one agency this morning 3 times in less than 1 hour. I finally went back to the web site and pulled my resume as I was obviously not getting the type of hits I wanted.

Official

Beta result was 2. Officially not pregnant. I thought I was doing ok. Now all I want to do is go crawl back in bed and go to sleep. If AF isn't here by tomorrow I will start Pr*overa tomorrow, they said it could take 10 days. Shit. I'm supposed to call on CD1 so I can have the scan done and the meds ordered. Why do I feel so awful. I knew this was what was coming. I feel like I'm being punished for something and I don't even know what. I know this is a blip and nothing compared to what so many others have been through and I truly have no idea how you have made it through that. I feel like I'm falling apart when I wasn't ever really pregnant, just a little chemical blip.

Better I think

I think I'm doing better. Still feeling sort of numb but more resigned to it being on to the next try. I finally sat and cried a bunch yesterday morning. Then I went to bed, and with the exception of a couple hours around 6pm yesterday I stayed there from 10am yesterday until 6am today. I think I needed that. As of yesterday I no longer have a second line on an HPT. I also don't really have any nausea anymore although my boobs still feel a bit like they are going to explode. My bra feels way to small and they are just seriously uncomfortable. Still no sign of AF so I guess I will be going back in today for another beta although it feels like a waste of time/money etc. If this isn't going to work I wish it would just be over and AF would show so I could get started on my next try. Last week I wasn't sure if I wanted to bother with an injectibles cycle, now this week I'm thinking I will give it a try at least once. Because it worked with Clo*mid. I had a good number of eggs and something did fertilize, it just went haywire somewhere from there. So I will be giving injectibles a shot. In other happenings, the kitties seem to like the new litter box. This is cool as I was really worried they would decide it was an evil monster as they are so against change. One other thing that I was going to post and I haven't gotten to it in the last couple of days is about the Weblog awards. Mel over at Stirrup-Queens has been nominated for best medical blog. Now for those of you who haven't visited her site, she's just a great blogger. She always has something going on and is always working to create a sense of community in this crazy infertility related world. From things like the candy exchange to phrecipes (photo recipes) to the Lost and Found trying to connect other bloggers to one another. She has links to over a thousand other blogs that are relating to infertility, adoption or pregnancy loss. So if you could take a few minutes to go to http://2007.weblogawards.org/polls/best-medicalhealth-issues-blog-1.phpblog-1.php sometime and vote for Mel that would be great. You can vote once every 24 hours until the 8th which is tomorrow. Mel is also working with others who are trying to get infertility coverage mandated on insurance and trying to educate others about infertility.

Numb

I feel pretty much totally numb. I've been on the edge of tears and hope so many times in the last 17 hours I don't know what to do. To respond to the comment of how I got a second line with a beta of 6? I have no idea. Like I said the line was really light but it was definitely there. I've never heard of that with a beta that low. I also seriously don't get why I have had daily nausea since Sunday and boobs that hurt like hell with a beta of 6. That has to be someones idea of a cruel joke. Cause I'm totally ok with feeling like this if I get to be pregnant. Bring it all on, I may whine a bit but I'll take it. But to get to experience all of this with almost no hope of getting something good out of it seriously goes way beyond sucky. And I'm try desperately not to let my mind wander down that fantasy path of hope where they call me tomorrow afternoon with a miraculously rising beta since that is pretty damn unlikely. Now maybe I should just go to bed and sleep for the next 20 hours or so. Thank you all for your thoughts, I do appreciate them immensely.

Beta

So the first thing she asked was was I having any spotting or bleeding. My beta was 6. She said at this point they want to see a beta of at least 50 and she is thinking it's a chemical or blighted ovum. She did say I could try my next cycle. I will have a repeat beta on Wednesday if I haven't started bleeding before that.

Testing

Beta is drawn as of about noon and I was told they would run it STAT and would call me within 2-3 hours with the results. I still went and bought a digital but will probably not use it until tomorrow afternoon when I get up. I still want to see that "pregnant" on the test. I'll update again when I have my results on my beta. I'm so scared they are going to call and tell me it's zero. I know that's probably crazy but oh wow, I'm still just so excited! Thanks everyone!! Oh and I just noticed the date on my pic in the last post. I forgot my batteries went dead in my camera and I guess I need to reset the date huh??

Oh Wow!!

Peed again this morning. There are definitely two lines!! The second line is pink. It is however still pretty light. It's visible but light. So I find myself thinking that at what is basically 14 dpo (based on trigger shot) the line should be darker. However I went to peeonastick.com and it said that implantation could occur as late as 12 dpo so if that's the case that could explain the light pregnancy test. According to pregnancy.org calendar today is the first day that I might possibly get a positive home pregnancy test. So, do I wait until tomorrow and pee on a stick again and then call the doctors office if it's darker or do I call them today and ask for a beta?? I'm going to try to post a pic here at the bottom of this post although it's not a very good one and it's pretty hard to see the line. And here on Saturday I was sooooooooo convinced I was totally out for this cycle what with the cramping on Thursday and Friday, I was already planning my next move.

You can't really see the line in the pic here but there is a faint second pink line. Oh wow!!!
I almost forgot. I had a great time at the concert last night. My seat was really good, only about 7 rows back from the stage in the center and oh wow was he cute. B you would have laughed your ass off, he actually came out on stage at one time in a blond mullet wig. I of course didn't have my camera with me since when I had went to pick up my ticket there were signs all over the place that said cameras weren't allowed so I didn't take it. Almost everyone had cameras and luckily I talked with the 2 ladies who were sitting next to me and they had cameras and they offered to e-mail me pics. So hopefully I will have some good pics.

New Present For The Kitty

So I splurged yesterday and bought a present for Sara my cat with the aversion to litter boxes. I bought her a new litter box. One of the self scooping ones. I don't know if this will do the trick or not but it's worth a try. I'm not really worried about Luna learning to use it as it has been suggested that maybe Sara doesn't want to share so I've been focusing on Sara using it. So far if I put her in it, she will go but I haven't seen her go there on her own yet. But it's clean every time she goes to use it so hopefully it will be just what she needs. Yesterday I went shopping. And strangely I didn't really buy much. Not as much as I thought I would. I felt kind of like crap. I had planned to get out of town over night but didn't have the energy to pack and load up the car etc and go. So, I just drove to an outlet mall about 50 miles away and then came home.
I am a bit reluctant to post this as I'm scared I'm seeing more than is really there and letting myself get my hopes up too high. So I peed on another stick this morning. Yes I'm into self torture. Anyways, there may (MAY) have been a very very faint second line. It was hardly even visible unless I held it a certain way and I'm figuring that it may be or most likely is an evaporation line. That said, in all the times I've peed on sticks before I've never even had a very faint second line. So needless to say I do have my hopes up. I'm still trying not to think of it. Yeah right. I'm still feeling just a bit queasy. Not bad but I woke up feeling like I was hungry and almost nauseous and I ate a piece of cake (breakfast of champions of course) and still feel a bit weird. And the AF type cramps have totally stopped at least so far. Nothing yesterday and so far nothing today. So, I'm really trying not to get my hopes up too much as this very well could turn into being all in my head, wishful thinking etc but there it is.

I Peed

And it said Not Pregnant. I know it isn't over yet, or at least not until AF actually shows but in my heart I truly believe it's over. I have been having AF like cramps since Thursday evening and really think she would have shown by now if I wasn't doing progesterone cream daily. I'm feeling so sad and discouraged right now. I guess I will likely be on to a injectible cycle although I'm trying to decide if I want to do that or if I want to just go straight to IVF. The only people who I know of who have done the injectible cycles is people from here like Rajen and Meg. I hate to just pay the money right off the top for IVF but I also hate to pay the money for an injectibles cycle and have it not work and wish I had just paid for the IVF. Decisions decisions. Now trying to decide where to go for the day. Or if to go.

Just A Little Unwell

I'm not crazy, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not. Yeah right. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. I'm afraid AF is going to be there waiting for me. I spent most of the night have the regular odd random cramps that while they don't necessarily feel like AF cramps, I still thought for sure AF was on her way. Never did show but I sure thought she was going to. I also have felt kind of queasy since last night but have been trying really hard to convince myself it's all in my head or that it's nerves from being afraid of going to the bathroom. I just don't think I can handle getting my hopes up that high if they might fall down again. I'm now on the beginning side of a 3 day weekend and thinking that I desperately need to get out of town. If I stay home all 3 nights, I might be crazy by Monday. Thanks B & K for trying to influence me to POAS but I don't know if I can do that either. I'm scared to. It's only 11 dpo. Or around that anyways. Oh and one other thing. You know all those e-mails that get circled round, the chain letter types that say you MUST send this on in _____ amount of time. Usually they are moderately annoying. I'm one who usually deletes them as I don't forward many e-mails since I don't know who likes to get what as far as e-mail. So as usually I get one or two of these a week. The last week they are making me freaking crazy. I don't have 15 people to send the damn things on to (that was todays and apparently someone who just deleted it soon after learned her fiance died and another person died herself) and I do NOT need bad luck at all right now. I need good luck, lucky rabbits feet, the stars to be aligned and whatever else could possibly work things in my favor. It just about makes me nuts to delete the things but I don't know what else to do with them. See, TTC makes you superstitious.

CD 28

Well, it's CD 28 and no K I haven't peed on any sticks yet. I'm being good. And trying not to think about "signs" At least AF hasn't shown yet which is good. One other thing I forgot to mention. I happened to go to donor sibling registry the other day and looked up my donor to see if there are any reports of children from this donor. There are 10 children listed from this donor. Cool, his boys can swim. Works for me.

More Random Thoughts

Sitting at a stop light today looking at a guy standing on the center island pan handling. His sign says "Homeless, please help". That would be a bit more believable if he got rid of the Ipod. Sorry no quarter for you.
I know many have issues with the "muffin top". I do but I also try to actually buy clothes that fit. So I'm standing in line at the grocery store (craving chocolate cake again) behind this girl who definitely falls into the too small pants category. Not only does she have a significant muffin top but she can't pull her pants up all the way which makes the crack of her ass visible to anyone who happens to be in the vicinity. WAY to much information for me.
Baby furniture is really expensive.
I really like the Subaru Tribeca but it will be a long damn time before I can afford that.
The hospital today called and asked if I would be interested in signing on to work for them permanently. Yeah right. Like they are going to match what I'm making as a traveler.
I finally found a pair of jeans today that fit. Thank goodness I can stop looking for those now.
Odd dreams last night full of murder and mayhem. I don't know where that comes from, it's not like I watch super violent TV all the time or anything. I do get the occasional dreams though that seem to be very Harry Potterish.
Last night we had an absolutely crazy storm here. I had been sound asleep, it was about 6pm and all the sudden was woke up by this really loud crazy noise. It scared the crap out of me as the only thing I could think of it being was someone trying to come into my apartment through the window and the vertical blinds. Turns out is was gumball sized hail hitting my front door and window. Lakes all over the parking lot, torrential downpour, thunder and lighting. It was crazy.
I almost stepped on a really big frog/toad just now on my way to the laundry room. I didn't know what it was until it moved.
Milkmaid I have a bad cat like you. I love her to death and know her sissy would miss her horribly but I am at an absolute loss as to what to do with her. Since we started traveling she has decided that the litter box is a bad evil place that she should never go to unless absolutely necessary. Granted she was never fully convinced it was an ok place to begin with but as long as I was diligent with the cleaning she used to cooperate. Needless to say I won't be getting this deposit back either which was why I didn't really want to pay another 500.00 as I knew I wouldn't get it back either.
And yes, I'm still trying really really hard not to think about the TWW. And the fact that if AF is going to show it could happen any time in the next 6 days (God please don't let it happen at work). Six more days till testing. I swear I'm going to wait until the 5th. Unless I change my mind, again.
I've modified this post like 5 times now. I think I'm losing it.

Monday Monday

Well, I had one stupid night at work in the middle of what would have been a 5 day weekend had I called in sick last night. I was good though and went to work. Good thing as we were pretty short. It wasn't too bad. Pretty busy at the end of the shift. I HATE it when I have a patient who isn't doing well and a doctor who won't call you back. Do they really think we page them because we enjoy getting yelled at and hung up on?? So I have been sitting here reading everyone's blogs and happened to glance up at my bottle of cream soda and notice in big medium sized letters that it says WITH CAFFEINE. What, when did they put that in there. I thought I was making a good choice for non caffeine soda. See what happens when I think? Oh well, not the end of the world. And here I thought I was doing soooooo well.
So many random things bumping around in my head. I've been watching Desp%rate Ho*sewives lately (past seasons) since my room mate back in June got me started on the show and reached the part where Gabby and Carlos decide to adopt. I'm sitting there feeling disappointed in this as it's very unrealistic. Granted I do realize that the majority of the show is unrealistic but still, I don't think the writers did the story line much justice. At least not until the part where the birth mom comes to get the baby back. That was a bit more realistic.
It still doesn't feel like Halloween, almost November and Thanksgiving here. More like September. This is weird to me. I got a newsletter from the apt managers today talking about decorating our decks. Huh?? Oh yeah, Christmas isn't too far off.
My check for the refund of the deposit from NW came Saturday. More to pay bills with. Although I did go get me some new flannel sheets as I LOVE flannel sheets. Not that I really need them yet but I have them.
And last but not least, one week down in the TWW. I'm not insane yet. Yet being the operative word here. I'm trying really hard (notice I didn't say I was succeeding) to not stress about, obsess about or even think about the whole "signs and symptoms" of pregnancy. However I'm also trying not to feel to discouraged either (yup, failing that one too). I don't feel any different. Not from any of the other cycles in which I have given this a go and this has me feeling discouraged. I know it's still early for any signs or symptoms but I keep expecting to feel something that says yes, this is new, this makes me think I'm pregnant. Nothing new is happening though. I've had a few twinges in the uterus region which is like past months. Then I caught site of my ticker today and I'm CD 25. Now I know my cycle was delayed and should be longer as I didn't ovulate until around CD 18 but I've also had a couple of months in the past where I did AI and ended up having "cramping" that seemed early based on my ovulation and it turns out it was just AF getting ready. One. More. Week. Until. I. Test. Shit.

Saturday Morning Musings

Well, it's sort of Saturday morning. So that survey thing about S that I was talking about last week. I filled it out. It still makes me a bit nervous but after talking to my friend R we decided it was a good idea. Her first response was "hell no" as was mine. However I have since developed a couple of thoughts on this. First thought is that maybe S has realized that there is some sort of problem in her relationships in life and is honestly trying to figure out what that problem is and remedy it. The e-mail request does ask for honest answers and well thought out answers. I know it's not just me that she doesn't get along with. I know she treats her mom horribly and while her mom can at times be highly annoying, she is still her mom. I also know that in the past she became irate with her mother in law over a Christmas letter that went out where her and her family were mentioned (some happy occasion) in the letter and S was furious that MIL had wrote about that and that it was no one's business. It wasn't anything that was a huge deal and at the time I remember thinking her reaction was strange. Anyways, my point is that I'm not the only one she has had problems with. So, maybe she is honestly looking and maybe something like this could help rebuild a new relationship. The other thought (yes it's a somewhat paranoid and irrational thought) is that maybe she is putting this out to me as some sort of a trick or way to get me or others to say something negative about her. If that is the case then she isn't the type of person I wish to be around at all and this will bring all that out and put me in a place where I no longer have to go out of my way to make an effort to make her happy. Yes, I know some would reason that I should have to "make her happy" anyways but because of our closeness in the past I find myself tending to do just that. I'm just tired of feeling like I'm on egg shells every time I'm around her since I don't know what she wants or expects of me. And I'm tired of feeling like she is upset with me because I don't make enough of an effort to be a part of her life. And no, admittedly I probably don't make much of an effort with this. Because I feel so uncomfortable around her so much of the time. I could give examples but would probably bore you all to death if I'm not already.
Not much going on in the two week hell (I mean wait) right now. I'm not having the insane urge to pee on a stick yet. Lets hope I can hold off on that one. I have tomorrow off and I have no idea what I'm going to do for the day. Maybe sleep since it's almost 3 and I'm still wide awake. Oh and guess what. I'm not scheduled on Thanksgiving. Of course I don't have enough time to go anywhere either. Plus I wanted to work all 3 holidays. The supervisor who does the schedule said she would try to fix it but if not I think I will go to staffing and tell them I'm willing to work anywhere that night which would basically be an extra shift. I was sort of upset by this. Sure give me the night off but don't give me enough time to leave town. Oh and another thing, this one very fun to me, I get to go see Billy Ray Cyrus in concert. Yeah, yeah, laugh all you want. I still think he's hot.

Hello Everyone

Yep, I'm still here. No milkmaid I haven't blown up like a balloon and floated away. Sorry for not posting for a few days. I worked the last 2 nights and last night when I had a choice between getting up on time and checking blogs or sleeping just a little bit longer, I opted for sleep. Not that I got any more since Sara had other ideas that included me petting her and giving her some attention. Cats, you gotta love the little buggers.
I'm doing pretty good. I feel much better. Not nearly so bloated which is nice. I have sore sensitive nipples and have felt a couple of small twinges in my lower abdomen but other than that, nothing. Too soon for anything. Just trying basically not to think about it. I'm going to try to be good and hold off on testing until the 5th like I'm supposed to. Not much else going on either. Just work, and I do finally have another contract for the next 3 months. The hospital dicked around again until the last day of my contract before signing the extension. Apparently they are trying to talk people in to staying on permanently. Yeah not happening unless they are planning on paying me a boat load of money which I know they won't. I'm no where near the fires so no worries there. To those who are, I hope you're all ok. And basically nothing going on. My shopping trip the other day got me several new shirts and 5 new pairs of panties. I made myself actually come home and throw away 5 pairs. I keep buying new ones and not throwing out the old because you want the old ratty tatty ones for those yucky AF days but I had way too many yucky ones. I tried on a pair of jeans that didn't button. I don't know if it was because of the bloating or the sizing. It was possibly the same large and beautiful shop you went to B as it was all about the right shape of jeans. yeah, whatever. They didn't fit. The sales girl seemed incredibly surprised that they didn't fit since I had been measured. Again, whatever. At least the tops will still fit for a while if this does end up being a successful science project.

Ahh, now I get it

I feel bloated. And I have to say that I have NEVER understood what people mean when they say they feel bloated. What does that feel like. Well, now I know. My pants are tight, they are the ones that are usually loose, it's just uncomfortable and pressure on my lower abdomen is just not fun. Otherwise I do feel fine. No more cramping really although it's still pretty uncomfortable to have a full bladder. And no B, I didn't go to work last night. No way. I sat around and did nothing and I'm pretty much going to do more of it today. After I go get a pedicure. And I was thinking of doing some shopping. I have no long pants here (all at home) and no long sleeve shirts.

I've Been Sperminated

It's done. I still had some cramping all night last night so I wasn't feeling as horrible about timing this morning but I told her I was nervous about timing. I told her (nurse practitioner) about the positive opk on Saturday afternoon and she said that next time I could call and they could maybe get me in on Saturday for IUI but since it was 4:30, realistically they wouldn't have gotten me in then either probably. She also looked at my chart and my list of what follies. They had told me I had 4 but I think I saw in the chart I had 5. I had a 14, 15, 15, on the left and a 17, 18 on the right. She said that the 14 and 15's wouldn't have been ready sooner. So I'm optimistic, sort of. Of course as B said this morning, tomorrow I probably won't be and it will be so much up and down it's not even funny. I slept most of the day and I'm still tired. I also am sort of seriously uncomfortable. My ovaries hurt. Or something hurts. And work just called to see if I would come in to work tonight and I wanted to as I could use the extra money but I just don't feel that good and I just feel like I should take it easy tonight. Now I just wait. They told me to test with HPT on the 5th of November and call them with the results. The NP told me that none leaked out and it went well. I laid there for about 20 minutes and then got dressed and went home. So not much else going on. I need to send a list of things I need from home to J. so I can get a few things. I just need to remember all my list.
Deena, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. I'm so sorry. Many hugs and warm wishes are being sent your way.

Still On For Monday

So I called the doctors office this morning and got the service. Left a message and about an hour later the doctor called me back, right after I had started falling asleep so I was a little rummy at that point. I explained everything about the positive opk and all and he said it would be "perfect" timing for Monday morning. I however still think it's too late. Maybe I'm wrong and it will all be fine and "perfect" but I know that I seemed to ovulate within 24 hours of a positive opk. They say 24-48 hours but mine is usually the 24. So, that's where I'm at. Waiting until tomorrow morning.

Forget Counting to 10, I'm Panicking

So I have been having some cramping in the general vicinity of my ovaries since this morning. And I still have a couple of smiley face opk's around the house. So I peed on one this afternoon and got a positive. Oh Shit now what. I'm supposed to IUI Monday morning.

Count To 10 and Quit Stressing

Ok so I called doctors office today and explained that I was being a nervous nelly and was nervous about the amount of time between the trigger shot and the IUI. They explained that it was 36 hours and that I could delay my shot by an hour or so if that made me feel better but that the timing was about right. So to make myself feel better, I will trigger on Saturday night at 9pm and then do IUI on Monday morning at 9am. That is exactly 36 hours. So that's my plan and I'm sticking to it.
I've also had all sorts of other interesting things today and I've only been up since noon. I received a call from M*dwest today that the charge on my charge card did not go through. She was very calm and polite about it, I gave them my debit card and they charged that. I can't see NW being nearly that polite about it either since the spermies had already shipped to my doctors office. Last week. Then I called my credit card to find out what was up. I had a zero balance on the account, tried to charge 690.00 and the same day sent them a payment for 700.00 to cover the 690.00. Apparently they have ended a program that my credit card was part of and they had sent me out a new card. The problem is that USPS will forward insignificant stuff but stuff like new credit cards they won't forward and I never got the new credit card or notice that the old one won't work. I haven't changed my address on everything because I'm moving around so much and it would be a pain, although it's a pain to deal with the forwarded mail too since some stuff and often the important things don't get forwarded. The problem was that now my checking account is shorter the 700 dollars which I had planned to pay bills with and ended up giving the money to M*dwest. To get the money back from my credit balance on my credit card they would send a check but it would go to my permanent home address and I would have to hope it got forwarded to me in California. By this time I was getting crabby to say the least. Finally I was told that I could go to the bank and take a cash advance and they would waive the fees. So I did that and money is thankfully back in my account.
My other interesting phone call was from my work. Apparently, I don't have a new contract yet (again) and my contract is up next Monday. The hospital is dragging it's feet again. I was told they want me to stay but they haven't signed the necessary approval paperwork yet. He asked if they were trying to recruit me to stay permanently which I said yes they had asked and I had told them I wasn't interested. He thinks they are dragging their feet hoping to get me to sign with them permanently. Yeah right, too much of a pay cut. Then he mentioned something about that I was staying and trying to work something out and asked how that was going. I had told him that I was trying to do something but not what I was trying to do since I was/am a bit worried that if they think I'm trying to get pregnant, they might not find me another contract. I did finally tell him though that I was trying to get pregnant and seeing a fertility specialist here in Fresno. So he asked if I was doing it on my own and I said yes as I hadn't met the right guy yet. He mentioned that someone he knows is planning to try this. We were talking about it and I was saying that it was turning out to be more difficult than I had thought it would be and more expensive. He said yes he knew and then mentioned that him and his wife were going through treatments. I told him how much support I had found in blog land and he mentioned having his wife try to look that up etc. It was such an interesting conversation just in that I was reminded again just how many women and families are affected by infertility. It's everywhere. I have a couple of women at work I've been talking to also and it's amazing how many women deal with this and how it's kept so quiet. So many people just don't talk about it much. I do though and it's lead me to a lot of support that I don't know what I would do without that support.

I'm Doing It Again

Going online and looking at jobs that are available at home. Not that it will do me any good as I will be here for another 3 months, but there is an IV therapy job that is an evening shift full time available. While I'm sort of at the point where I really don't want to work in a hospital forever, if I did stay at a hospital this would be one of my picks for potential jobs as it would be a lot like when I worked lab. I would get to travel all over the hospital starting IV's and such and I would possibly like it. Evening shift would be bad for daycare although I would much rather do an evening shift than a day or night. But I would honestly really rather not work in a hospital if I can afford not to. And I can't go home now anyways so it's pointless to worry.
So on the scan topic: Cheryl, she didn't tell me sizes of the follies (I should have asked) but I am really uncomfortable with triggering Saturday night and not doing the IUI until Monday morning. Maybe I should just call the office tomorrow and voice my concerns. I just don't want to screw this up.
It was pointed out that the mood shit may be thanks to the Cl*mid. I hope so. I'm just feeling bleh and yes I'm dwelling on things which is never a good thing. I'm lonely and I'm focusing more on my loneliness and aloneness. See I have several very good friends who I see every so often when I'm home. However I will admit that the majority of my time is spent alone. Sometimes this isn't much of a problem and I'm ok with it but other times it bugs me. A lot. I get tired of doing everything alone sometimes. I'm fairly good at entertaining myself when my mood is good and always very bad and initiating plans with others. I tend to sit and wait for others to invite me. I also know that I tend to take things too personally, especially if I'm depressed. Example would be last year I sent Christmas cards to a couple of friends from nursing school whom I hadn't seen that much since I had been back in Spokane (about 7 months) and whom I hadn't gotten together with at all. I suggested getting together at some point. I never heard back from either of them. While I realize that everyone is busy and it logically wasn't a slight that I never heard back, I felt intimidated and didn't not reach out further. I felt left behind by these 2 friends who work together and see each other frequently. Granted I also know that a lot of friendships made during nursing school don't hold up after school is done so that could be it too as I didn't have tons in common with either of them, it could just be a natural growing apart that was supposed to happen. But I feel at times like my life is lacking in friends. Women that I hang out with and can have coffee with or go to a movie with or have over to my house for dinner or something. I've always wanted to have fun dinner parties and yet never do. I'm not sure how to go about changing this but also feel a bit like having friends that I actually spent time with would be a benefit if I'm going to be a single mom. I've considered joining the SMBC group but I asked and there was no group in Spokane. Only Seattle. I know there are groups out there that I can go find and join and I probably just need to be way more proactive. And like I said it sometimes really doesn't bother me as much as it's bothering me now. Because I'm homesick, and hormonal.
Oh and I went and looked at the survey thing for S. I think it's a sucky idea. I can submit my responses anonymously however I don't know how many people she sent it out too and it could still be very apparent that it's coming from me which would be worse than if I had the balls to just sign my name to it. Part of me really would like to fix our relationship but I don't know that this is the way to do it. I just don't know what this was brought on by. I really should just e-mail her and tell her I'm not comfortable with doing the survey.

Still Nervous But Better

Ok, so the scan went well. I have 2 follies on the left and 2 on the right. None are quite ready yet. The part that makes me nervous is that I'm supposed to trigger at 7:30pm Saturday night and do IUI Monday morning at 9. To me this seems like too much time between trigger shot and IUI. What do you all think. That is over 36 hours even which makes me nervous to wait that long. I know in the past it has seemed that once I finally get a positive opk, I usually seem ovulate within 24 hours, often the same day. So part of me is tempted to ignore the instructions and trigger on Sunday morning which would be about 24 hours till ovulation. But then if I start surging on my own, will that screw it up?? Anyways, at least I know I have follicles. I also found a thing at the doctors office that is from fr**dom pharmacy that says if you buy 2 cycles of meds in an 18 month period, you may qualify for free meds for a 3rd cycle. Not that I'm hoping it takes 3 more cycles but hey.
And Chelle to answer your comment, I don't interact with S. that much. I reached a point sometime after the disagreement where it felt like work to be around her. I can't describe it other than that, it just wasn't comfortable. So I stopped going out of my way to be around her. I know that she is aware that things have changed but I'm not sure she is aware of why things have changed. This may be her reaching out but then I've went along with things in the past that I thought may have been her reaching out and ended up feeling like I was somehow now following her plan and yet I was totally unaware of what she wanted.
Now, I'm off to do laundry. I have once again waited until I have so much it's overflowing the bin. Man I hate not having a washer and dryer.

Nervous

A bit nervous about upcoming scan appointment this afternoon. Not sure why, I just am. I will update after my appointment. Another weird thing that makes me nervous is an e-mail I received. My cousin S and I used to be very close when we were young, then lost contact for a couple of years. When we got in contact again we were close but there always seemed to be something different. There were times I felt like she "disapproved" of me and my choices. About 3 years ago we had a disagreement about money and didn't speak at all for several weeks. She let me know she thought I was being petty (I still disagree) and it really strained our relationship. Since then I don't hear from her very often but at times she has been very condescending and acts like I'm someone she needs to tell what to do. She also acts very offended when I don't drop everything to come see her and her kids. Granted there is really a lot more to it than this small little synopsis but that's the really short version. So I just got an e-mail asking me to respond to some survey that she took regarding how she interacts with others. This makes me nervous. Do I really respond to it truthfully?? I haven't looked at the actual questions yet but hmm. I don't want to be hurtful but I don't want to lie either.

Can't Think Of A Catchy Title

I just can't. I try not to reuse titles, yes I realize no one probably cares if I reuse titles but I've used Still Here several times. I am though. Still here. Very busy last couple of days at work. Last night was insane. I was so busy all night long, was behind all night long and running all night long. Several times people commented on "how red my face was or how much I was sweating". Well gee, they've turned on the damn heat and I took Cl*mid this month. One thought though that sort of worries me is what happens when I have a night like that when I'm pregnant. I worry that stress will make me miscarry or something, or maybe just throw my BP so far out of whack it's just not even funny. My scan is tomorrow (Thursday) and hopefully I will be triggering tomorrow also and doing IUI on Friday. I'm trying somewhat successfully to not think much about all this and not stress about it. I don't want to spend the week leading up to my IUI stressed about it since I would rather not have a three week wait. The anticipation of finally having someone else involved in this journey and not just doing it by myself at home is a good feeling. I keep thinking maybe this is what I need. Maybe this month will work. Then I get scared and think to myself "don't let yourself hope too much, this is still early in the game and do you really think it's going to happen without you working furiously hard at it and spending tons of money since nothing in your life ever seems to go that way?" I'm home sick and I want to go home, I want to dress my doggy up like a hot dog for halloween. I want to decorate my house for Christmas. And I can't, I'll be stuck here. And yes this is my decision but it feels like a forced decision since if I went home I would be very limited in what sort of treatments I could do because of financial issues. Yes, I'm whining. Sorry.
Other than just general stress, not much is going on. I haven't been getting out much the last few couple of weeks but I haven't been spending much money on unnecessary stuff either so I suppose thats good.
So, I suppose I should stop whining and stressing now. I'm really doing ok. Just maybe a bit down. And by tomorrow afternoon, hopefully I will be feeling much better.

The Wonders of Medications

And I'm not talking about the good stuff. I'm talking about the Cl*mid. I noticed hot flashes several times last night and a tendency for my voice to get that bitchiness tone to it. I apologized to one person because of that bitchy tone. Then today I had planned to get up this afternoon and go for my daily walk and when I finally crawled out of bed at 5pm I could not motivate myself to go any farther than my chair. Not sure if this is the Cl*mid but I'll blame it anyways. I just had no energy at all. I still don't have much. I suppose it could also be the night shift stuff. I am so ready to be done with night shift and done with being away from home. I find myself hoping and constantly thinking about how badly I want this try to work so that I will know I'm not far off from going home. I talked to a friend the other day who went by my house and said my new windows look great. I had purchased new windows for my house when I went home in July and they finally just got installed last week. I did this because my house was built in 1955 and the windows were all original. On the front of the house I had 4 large picture windows that didn't open and since the house faces south, it gets really hot inside in the summer. So I wanted to replace those and had several other windows on the back that were cracked and also replaced those. I wish I could see my windows. Oh well, I will go home soon and see my windows and if I have my baby it will all be worth it. Now I think I will watch some TV and maybe go back to bed.

Just Another Friday And Finally A Meme

Well the appointment with the gynecologist is done and over with too. And in an effort to make a good impression, I refrained from decorating me hoohaa although I liked the idea of artful trimming in the shape of a smiley. That would have been good. So the appointment went well. I talked to her about my trying to get pregnant and she asked who I was working with and I told her. She said he has a good reputation and that they would happily follow me once I was pregnant. We talked about my medications and she seemed ok with those for now. We discussed switching me to Z*loft when I'm pregnant as that is the preferred anti depressant, also that my BP med is fine. My BP was awesome at 112/72. Whoohoo. I wonder if maybe the exercise is helping already. I've been doing better about making myself go out for a walk every day. Nothing was said really about my weight although it was even higher than normal. I haven't been taking my diuretic lately and my feet are puffy. She did warn that would get worse. I suppose I need some compression stockings. Yay. She did recommend I get a baseline mammogram (yuck) prior to getting pregnant if I could. I'll have to see. If this cycle works, that likely won't. She thought this was a good plan because of my age, my unknown family history (I'm adopted so I have no idea if I have a family history of breast cancer) and since if I do get pregnant and if I breast feed it could be close to 2 years before I get a mammogram. One more thing to torture my body with.
Now, on to the meme I was tagged with on Monday that I haven't gotten a chance to do yet. So here it is.

Job's I've Had
1. Nurse
2. Phlebotomist
3. Nurses aide/home health aide
4. Worked at Target for 6 years and while I worked there I worked almost every area of the store.

Places I've Lived
I need way more spaces than 4 but here are 4.
Fresno and Chico, California
Spokane, Washington
Great Falls, Montana
Portland, Oregon

Foods I love
Pizza
Safeway's China Express Deli sweet and sour chicken and fried rice.
Zips cheeseburgers
My spaghetti sauce

Places I would rather be
Home
Pismo Beach
Cannon Beach
Seattle

Movies I love
Sweet Home Alabama
Must Love Dogs
Mannequin
Love Affair

TV Shows I watch
CSI
NCIS
ER
Without a trace

Books I love
Anything by Dean Koontz
The cat who books by Lillian Jackson Braun
Harry Potter books (I'm actually a little blue that I finished these the other day and am missing them.
The Stand

HSG Is Done

Thank goodness. I think the fear building up to it was one of the worst parts. That and the stupid speculum. Holy cow that was more uncomfortable than anything. When the Dr. first threaded the catheter in I had major cramping but it only lasted for about 30 seconds. I did utter "wow, they really should give you something stronger than ibuprofen for this" but then the cramping stopped and it was back to the speculum being drastically uncomfortable. I remember one doctor telling me once that it amazed her how many other doctors forgot that those things come in more than one size. Ain't that the truth. I never really felt the dye being injected and as soon as they pulled the speculum out, I felt fine. No problems, tubes are clear etc. I had been warned about the not having sex part (yeah right, like I haven't gotten any in so long it's not even funny and I'm going to run right out before the HSG and have sex) and had also been asked to do a HPT this morning before going to the doctor. I lied about that one. I wasn't going to go waste 5-6 dollars on a pregnancy test when there is no chance I'm pregnant. I am glad that I found someone to switch with for tonights shift though as I wouldn't have gotten very much sleep at all and that wouldn't have been fun. Also the cost thing wasn't too bad. I paid 425.00 for the HSG so I can handle that. I was worried they would come back and say it was over a thousand (I think I've seen that others have paid this much) and so I was ok with 425.00. It was kind of funny as the doctor was explaining the HSG to me and I indicated that I had a pretty good idea what it was from friends online. He asked about chat boards and I said yes and blogging. He asked if there would be thousands tonight reading about my HSG. Well I don't know about thousands but heck yeah I'm going to blog about my HSG and any other freaky thing that goes on in my life. So far no problems really with the clomid. However last time, I didn't start having problems until after I was done taking it and that was when the hot flashes set in. So for those who have had Dr. assisted IUI's. Does the IUI cause cramping also when the tread the catheter up into the uterus to inject the sperm??
So tomorrow I have an appointment with the gynecologist for a PAP. yippee. I realized last night that there have been an awful lot of people this week looking at my hoohaa. Hmm. Maybe I should fancy it up a bit. Maybe some barbie glitter hairspray would add a nice touch to my appointment tomorrow.

My Date With The Dildo Cam

Ok so I started typing this out yesterday and then my internet connection booted me off which meant that I had to restart my computer which I just didn't have the energy to deal with so I went to bed instead. And slept from 6pm last night until 11:30 am this morning with only about a half hour break in there to grab a snack. So anyways, here's my date with the dildo cam. Who knew Mr. Dildo cam was into quickies. Maybe I should have become an ultrasound tech. Because I paid 70.00 for a scan that took maybe, MAYBE 3 minutes. 7 minutes if you count the time I took getting undressed and waiting for the tech to come back in. Not that I'm complaining really about the 70.00 as I was sort of thinking it was going to end up being more. I'm ok with less. Less is good. Scan is good, no cysts, lining is where it should be on CD 5, no problems noted. I left the office with a prescription in hand for my Cl*mid. My 100mg per day for 5 days Cl*mid. Yikes. Last time I took 50 and by the time I did ovulate I felt as if there were bowling balls running around in there. Not to mention the hot flashes from Hell. This ought to be fun. Then since I was out of my BP medication and I have no idea when it will arrive since I ordered it from the mail order pharmacy 9 days ago and it still isn't here, I went to the urgent care to get a refill to hold me over until it arrives. First the doctor tells me it's no big deal to just skip it. What?? Well, it's bad for your body and all but hey. So after an hour wait I finally left urgent care with a prescription in hand for my BP med also. I went to T*rget to fill meds but they said they were just leaving to go on lunch. At this point I had been awake for 24 hours and was getting way sleepy and a tiny bit crabby so I grabbed my prescriptions and left, heading for C*stco to fill them instead. I went in and handed over my prescriptions hoping this would be fairly quick, she said 30 minutes. About 45 minutes later they were finally ready, I paid and was leaving when I noticed that my BP med isn't in the bag. So I go back to the pharmacy and was told that they had put that one on hold since my insurance said they had just refilled it. I somewhat calmly explained that I had not received it yet and didn't care if I had to pay for it but I needed the med right away. At this time I'm thinking about how much better off I would have been to just do a bit of self medication and take the cats heart medicine again. Just think, I could have been in bed by noon instead of sitting in Costco at 3 in the afternoon. Finally I had everything filled and was on my way home.
So, Cl*mid is on board, and so far nothing as far as side effects go. I know, it's early. And I'm back to work tonight. Tomorrow is my HSG. They kept reminding me to not have sex. Yeah, I haven't had sex in like forever, I doubt I'm going to just run out and have some now. I'm taking my antibiotics (need some yogurt) and my ib*profen and will do that tomorrow. I have a scan scheduled again next Wednesday to see how follies are and information on the trigger shot in hand. They said they would be ordering that for me and I am assuming that next Wed on CD14 I will most likely be triggering. I ordered super spermies today and they will definitely be available by next week. So it all looks good for me being in the TWW again soon.

Let The Fertilicoaster Move Out

Everyone hold on, it looks like this fertilicoaster is now moving out. I finally got a hold of the doctors office today and when they called me back this afternoon they gave me appointments. I have an appointment on Thursday at 12:45 for my HSG. That's nice, kinda like midnight for me. Oh well I suppose I will survive. I also asked about doing the Cl*mid cycle this month and so they made a date with the dildo cam for me tomorrow at 10:00. So I canceled my dentist appointment for tomorrow, I think I will try to find a different dentist. My scan is tomorrow and I should get my prescription for my Cl*mid and start taking that tomorrow which will be CD5. I got the remainder of my labs done on CD3. I had and LH, Prolactin, TSH and Type and RH drawn. That was a bit tricky. The hospital I used to work at in Spokane the lab was always open for outpatient draws. This hospital tried telling me I would need to save it for Monday and go to the outpatient lab. I explained that I couldn't wait and that it had to be drawn on Sunday and they finally did it reluctantly. So, I'm on my way. This morning I was thinking well if I have to sit out October I will be ok but was feeling blue about another month in limbo land. Then this afternoon everything is set. I just need to order super spermies and it's all a go.

Finally

It is finally CD 1. Thank goodness I was starting to get a little worried. The only downside is that by the time I woke up for the day and figured out it was CD 1 the doctors office had already closed for the day. So I will have to call them on Monday to schedule my appointments. Oh well. I also need to find a lab (probably at the hospital) where I can have my blood drawn on Sunday. So if I can get my dildo cam scan done Monday or Tuesday next week and start my Cl*mid then I'll be good to go. Which means I should make a decision on donors soon too. I'm so happy this is finally moving along. I hate feeling like I'm at a stand still.

Still Here

Well, I'm still here and AF still isn't. It's CD 30 today and still no sign of her. WTF?? I've almost always been annoyingly on time and then on a couple of the months that I actually tried getting knocked up the hag showed up early and now she is no where to be found. Did she get lost at someone elses house? I'm sorry if she did. I thought I had given her very clear directions to avoid this sort of thing. I'm still hoping she will show tonight or something.
I went to the fair yesterday but it was still a little overly warm to be out walking around in the sun, or at least it was for me. It was about 85 and it didn't seem like there were that many exhibits. I finally got bored and came home. I didn't even eat much. Just a corn dog and a few sweet potato fries which weren't that good. I forgot to get some cotton candy and I decided to skip the fried twinkies.
To answer a few questions from my comments on my last post, no B I wasn't actually having sex with the witches, they were doing something without actually touching me that was positively amazing. Can't explain it. Still really like guys. And as far as sleep goes I usually take an older anti depressant for sleep but I can't really take it just once in a while as it doesn't work well that way, it needs to build up in your body and I can't take it while I'm TTC as it's not safe. I also can't take Benadryl or any other sort of sleep aid medication including prescription ones as they all have the exact opposite effect on me and totally wire me like crazy. I tried a prescription one once and didn't sleep for like 2 days. The interesting part of that is that I can drink a big soda with caffeine and go right to sleep no problem. Go figure.
Well back to work tonight. For the next 3 nights actually and then off one and on one. I hate those off one things. Oh well. I'll post if/when AF actually shows. Have a great weekend everyone.

The Dentist Is Brutal

Oh my god, I thought the man was trying to drown me!!!! And my mouth hurts like hell and all they did was clean my teeth. You know how they have that pick thing that they scrap your teeth with, well he had one hooked to a motor that vibrated and he used that. It also sprayed a fairly large amount of water in my mouth and the tech wasn't doing a very good job of suctioning. I was so tense I think my ass was the only thing touching the chair and the dick kept telling me to relax and just breath. Yeah, with water running down my throat. Good idea. I'm so looking forward to going back and having my 2 fillings done. Not much else going on. When it cools down a bit I will go for a walk again. I went about 2 miles yesterday and felt good, except the blister as I wore the wrong shoes. Won't do that again. It's nice though getting out and doing something. Still no AF. Hag. When I want her to be early of course she isn't. More vivid dreams, these were somewhat better. I dreamed once I was pregnant, then I dreamed I was with my daughter at P*smo Beach. She was about 1-2 years old and I was showing her sand dollars. Then I dreamed I had a son who was about 8-9 but I can't remember what he was doing. And milkmaid you're right I have some really odd ones. A couple weeks ago I dreamed that I joined a group of witches and had the most amazing sex ever. I liked that one a bit. And yes B I was a bit unnerved and unsettled most of the day yesterday after my yucky Armageddon dream. The really big down side of the whole dream thing for me is that when I dream I'm not in a deep sleep and so when I dream all night that means I'm not getting much sleep.

Just Another Manic Monday

Can I get in trouble for using that title?? Hope not. Remember that song?? Shows how old I am huh. Well I had last night off and I slept all day yesterday and then half the night last night. I did manage to nap for a couple of hours today but am a little worried that I will get too tired tonight at work. And I have a dentist appointment tomorrow at 11. Yuck!! Oh well. I am thinking that the fair here starts on Wednesday so I may go to the fair that day. I love fairs. I like to look at the craft stuff and the animals etc. So much fun. I'm waiting on ol AF still. I wish she would hurry the hell up and get here. For once I'm wishing for her. I know she technically isn't due until tomorrow but still. And with my sucky schedule for the next week or so I'm supposed to fit in an HSG somewhere and a CD3 scan. Goody. That will probably mean a night at work with not enough sleep. I will survive but I really had hoped to do that stuff on a day off. Oh well. It will all be worth it in the end. Lots of weird dreams lately. Last night I actually had one of those Armaggedon dreams I've heard B mention before. It's been a while since I've had one of those. I also dreamed a couple of days ago that I had gotten my tongue pierced and offered to demonstrate it's uses for my ex. oooh, yuck. I don't pick this stuff, it picks me.