I'm A Shopaholic

I am. I admit it. No denying it. And no I'm not currently shopping at the moment in light of having way to many bills to pay this month. I remember when I was young (around 8-15) one of my favorite pastimes was to plan. Slumber parties for me and my friends included sitting around in our jammies and looking through the J*C*penny, M0ntg0mery Wa*rds, and Se*ars catalogs. We would plan out our weddings (dresses, brides maids dresses) how we would furnish our house, our wardrobes (I could always get away with wearing whatever I wanted in my imagination not just what worked for my chubby self) , our future children's nurseries etc. This could easily be an all night thing. We loved it. Even as I got older this was a pastime. I remember when I lived in Portland there was a store there I loved. It was called Dai*sy Kin*gdom and they ended up having lots of patterns and craft stuff that was marketed all over but it started out as a store in Portland. They had lots of nursery stuff (like crib sets etc) that I loved and used to plan out what I wanted for a baby's room. They also had these absolutely fantastic dresses that I even bought several of for my little sister. I loved them. I went to warehouse sales and got some pretty cool stuff cheap too. I bought these fabric iron on things (you had to add the fusible web) for sweatshirts and puff paints and made sweat shirts by the dozens. Some I sold, some I gave away to friends. A couple years ago I discovered some of this Dai*sy King*d0m stuff on e-bay and started looking to replace a couple of things I had gotten while I was in Portland at a warehouse sale and that I had given up in an effort to please my mom. I did find the stockings and still need to put those together but am still looking for the tree skirt.
So when I started the whole TTC stuff it was something else to shop for. I'm not saying that it's all about the shopping and that's why I want a baby. I want to parent. However I did my share of trips to Tar*get, Wally's world and BRU to wander around look at baby stuff and plan the nursery. What sorts of things I wanted to buy. Which crib sets I liked etc. As I mentioned a couple of days ago after the IVF went to hell I pretty much stopped doing this. I haven't been to BRU since like last December and I try to avoid the baby departments for the most part in the stores. I also realized that I just didn't care that much about crib sets, basic blankets and just my own decorations instead of the entire room decorated in a certain "theme" and the whole life time cribs that are like hugely expensive aren't that important. Way more fun to save the money and buy a really cool bed when the child is older and will enjoy having a really cool bed. However when I was in SB and had an occasional slow night at work and since we could surf the web at work I started hitting e-bay looking for my tree skirt that I'm trying to replace. Then I started just looking through all Dai*sy King*d0m stuff. And came across some of the items that were for babies rooms. I found the one that had been one of my favorites. And I started buying the pieces. So I guess I'm still buying baby stuff which could be seen as a subconscious sign of eternal optimism. I started sewing the other night and put one of the blankets together. I have another blanket and also the pieces for a diaper hanger and some other stuff. I love all this stuff and want to show it all to someone and say "look what I found, isn't this cool." And I realize that this is a bit crazy and most definitely not like an infertile and that I could be mocking the Gods or fate or whatever to make me miserable and that this goes against my superstitious self that I have become. Also that I could end up being hugely disappointed if the baby thing never happens and I have all this baby stuff. But I love this stuff and that isn't as much of an argument since I've been collecting "baby stuff" since I was like 16 or younger. I have many of the blankets that were mine when I was a baby, my dad's baby quilt and some afghans my mom made for her future grand daughter not to mention dresses etc that she bought on clearance for her future grand daughter that I've had for at least 10 years. Yes I know, I'm goofy, strange or whatever. However there is a part of me (and please don't shoot me here as I do know that nothing is guaranteed) that really truly does believe that I will have a baby. It may not be with my own eggs (there is a part of me that really believes my eggs are crap at 38) or it may be by way of adoption or whatever but I do still really believe that one way or another I will have a baby. So in my heart, that crazy part of me that is still hopeful I continue to dream and plan for that someday baby and hope that this doesn't jinx me or anger the Gods of Fertility or life or whatever.
Just noticed that this is my 400th post. wow.