Getting Closer

I'm getting closer to my first home AI. I'm also getting really nervous. I am trying not to think about it all to much so as not to let my mind get carried away with itself. I'm also trying very hard to find that delicate balance between having a positive outlook and believing this can happen to me (a part of me is still afraid it never will) and not being so hopeful that I'm totally devastated if it doesn't happen the first time. I've got about a week before I AI. Then I was looking at a calendar and it's basically not until the 16th of Feb that I will know or not if it even worked. Wow this is going to be a long next couple of weeks. I'm still nervous about my timing. I am nervous about getting my spermies. I checked into actually having them shipped to me. It's like 129.00 to have them sent 6 freaking miles. Or, I can give NW 500.00 cash plus the rental fee which I can't even remember and have the dewar for 2 days (don't you guys get like 7 if you live somewhere other than Spokane???). So, it looks as if I will be going with the Styrofoam cooler with a bunch of dry ice option. Part of me considered using all 3 vials I purchased in the one try. I finally decided against this option. I will use 2 vials and then have one left for a Dr assisted IUI if the home try doesn't work. Then there is my whole job issue. I have to work tomorrow night and I am absolutely dreading going to work. By the end of my week last week I was so stressed out I wanted to just sit down and cry. I had 3 high maintenance babies complete with high maintenance parents. While I understand fully that when you have an infant in that environment it is very stressful for the parents, I have a difficult time dealing with parents who seem to think it's my fault their 34 week infant isn't eating every feed on it's own. I suppose you could say that dealing with parents isn't my strong point. Part of the reason I work night shift. But I'm tired of night shift. And I just am feeling stronger and stronger that this isn't what I want to do. I think most of this feeling is directly related to the fact that my supervisors are pushing me to take care of sicker babies and I just don't want to do it. I don't want to do it because it freaks me out on so many levels. What if I do something wrong and hurt or even worse kill a baby. What if that turns out to be my baby. I see first hand all the horrible things that can happen. Then there is the whole idea that I know the schedule will not work for me being a single parent (where do you find daycare for 14 hours a day and how do you leave your kids that long) and so I feel like, why should I learn how to take care of these babies that I don't want to take care of anyways if I'm not going to be doing this more than another year, if I make it that long. I just don't know what to do until I find a job. Actually I do know what I would like to do but don't know if it would be a really bad career move. I am tempted to take a leave of absence or quit or whatever and go do some travel nursing for about 6 months. I'd make good money, it would be something different etc. I'm afraid though it would look really bad on a resume. I do know that I feel like it's very important to try to have a less stressful week next week though when I am AI'ing. I'm not sure how I'm going to pull that off though without telling everyone why. I guess I will wait and see. I know I need to QUIT stressing though since that will just throw my entire system out of whack which would be really bad. Funny how the one thing I need to avoid (stress) as it will affect the outcome is caused by the process.