Life And Learning

I read a poem once quite a few years ago (I probably even have it wrote down somewhere) that talked about how you learn a lot about life in watching someone die. This is so true. When I get home I may have to look for that poem. I used to have a habit of writing stuff like that down and keeping it in notebooks and I'm sure I kept it.
Sunday evening I received a phone call that my ex boyfriends grandma had in the last three weeks broke her arm and then went on to have two heart attacks and two strokes. The wheels started spinning on what I needed to do to make it back to Washington. While she isn't my actual grandmother, for the last 10 years or so this family has been in many ways my family. I have some cousins and aunts and uncles I've maintained contact with but as far as actual family, not many of them choose to take an active part in my life. Monday morning I left and began the long drive home. I have to say that as much as there are some really beautiful places on that drive, I really don't look forward to ever doing it again. Oh but wait. I do get to do it again in reverse. I leave Saturday to go back home. yippee skippy.
I know that my presence here wasn't necessarily imperative but I hope I've been able to be helpful to these people who have been so much comfort to me.
I've talked before about my spiritual beliefs or my difficulty with such. Much of it wrapped up with all the crazy ass shit I was taught while I was growing up. I was actually taught that we don't go to heaven and that along with the difficulties I have with many current religious beliefs, leaves me still unsure of what I believe in.
Years ago after my dad died I had a couple of very vivid dreams in which he was the one I dreamed about him that left me feeling comforted. I sadly really can't remember the details of those dreams but I remember feeling like I had spoke to him. But of course I had been taught that was impossible and I was still trying so hard to please those around me, so of course that couldn't be true. Then several years ago right after I had moved back to Washington, a friend of mine passed away. I had been feeling so badly that not only hadn't I made it over to visit her while she was alive, I probably wouldn't be able to go to her funeral either since I worked the night before and the night of the service. I remember having a very vivid dream about her that also left me feeling very comforted. I know that I woke up with an almost spiritual sense of calmness and belief that she had sent that dream/message to me to let me know it was ok. I even had a dream about Sadie after I lost her where she was running and happy and I knew she too was ok.
I realize to some this may sound crazy. To others it may sound like a sin to say I believe my dog came to let me know she was ok (figures of course the cat wouldn't bother). For me whether it's true or not, it feels true and I find myself believing and comforted by these dreams.
So in hearing my friends describe things that happened in the room with this loved one who is close to leaving my first reaction, borne of all those crazy ass teachings I received as a child and some of the scientific background I now operate within on a somewhat daily basis was "it's the medications." I stopped to think why though. How do I know that this lovely woman truly doesn't have many loved ones waiting patiently for her on the other side? How do I know that she can't see these people now. I don't. And really, it seems just as possible that it's real as that it's not. Yes, I know. Not very scientific. I don't care. I may not know for sure what all I believe in but if this seems so very real, and it does, why doubt it so much? Why be so sure it's not real? Why not just believe.

Procrastination

I'm a procrastinator. I don't know why really. I just am. For instance I had finally found a dentist I liked a couple of years ago and then my insurance changed and he didn't take my insurance anymore. So it took me almost a year and a half to make the effort to find a new dentist. Part of this is because I hate going to the dentist and then the anxiety of finding a new one again etc just left me putting it off for later, over and over again. I do this with doctors and such as well. Basically anything that requires me to pick up a phone and call someone I don't know etc. Sometimes even for picking up a phone and calling someone I do know. In the meantime it's now been like 4 years since I had my teeth cleaned and that required a much more thourough cleaning. Yippee. The new dentist gave me an estimate of my out of pocket cost being $1600. and over a thousand of that was a local antibiotic they insisted I needed that my insurance would not touch. So after a bit of research I decided a second opinion might be a good plan. The easiest thing to do was to call the old dentist and ask if they could see me. Guess what? They went back to taking my insurance. When seeing my old dentist he agreed with the deep cleaning (I wasn't against that, I knew I would need it), a crown and one filling as opposed to 3 fillings and no antibiotics at this time. If things hadn't improved in a years time then we would look at antibiotics. So my total out of pocket will be like $400. Much better. And I lived through the first appointment for teeth cleaning. It will take 2 appointments and the hygenist stated that she could numb me up if need be once we got going. I told her I was a bit anxious about it and would prefer to be numbed up from the beginning. So she did. The shots in the front were a bit brutal but once we got going I put my ipod on and ignored it all. I go back in 2 weeks for the other side, one week for the crown and filling.

The other thing I'm putting off lately is a new tattoo. I don't know what I want done first but I have several ideas for things. I also have a credit that I will hopefully be able to use. A co-worker had paid a deposit to have one of her tattoos worked on and then changed her mind. Since I had picked up two shifts for her next week as a favor she offered to transfer the credit to me! I just need to call and speak to a specific person and make an appointment. But it's a bit nerve wracking wondering how it will all work out etc as whoever does it is going to have to do some of the art work themselves. I guess we'll see. I'll post pics though when I get the work done.

Where To Begin...

To say I've had a bit of a writers block lately is like saying it's a bit warm in Fresno lately. Hotter than hell is more like it. I guess I'll get to see what my summer PG&E bill looks like in this apartment. I also find myself thinking regularly about posting something here but feeling a total loss as to what. I don't know which direction to take this here little blog. Is this an infertility blog, a nursing blog, a weight loss blog or something else entirely? I don't know.

I'm an infertility blogger as in I am infertile. Whether it be because of being sperm challenged or age or some other yet unknown diagnosis there it is. I have no children and getting pregnant at this time in my life is problematic to say the least. At this point if I had to give a name to where I am I'd have to say that for now at least I'm choosing to live child free. Not really what I would have wanted to choose but there it is. I read a quote that you make a life out of what you have, not what your missing. I'm choosing to do that to the best of my ability. I'm also enjoying it quite a bit. I go to work and get my baby fix and then come home to my content life with my fur babies who let me sleep through the day. I take trips when I can, spend time with friends, sleep when I want, read all day, sew or watch whatever I want on TV. That doesn't mean that if something came along that allowed me one more try (the lottery perhaps or a really cheap cycle somewhere, or even god forbid an actual surprise pregnancy courtesy of actually having sex) that I wouldn't jump at the chance but I still can't honestly see myself spending 20k on a donor egg cycle anytime in the near future short of an actual lottery win. For that I would actually have to buy a ticket though.

Nursing blog? Probably not. Although I find myself experiencing many funny moments at work (think a total Spanglish failure of trying to explain to some poor woman about peeing in the hat the first time she uses the restroom), or the truly touching moments, the babies I fall for in a few short hours or those moments in a night that touch you, annoy or just plain baffle you, I have a hard time blogging about it. While I love reading some of the other funny nursing blogs out there the over hanging thought of HIPPA prevents me from being very comfortable posting much about my day to day experiences as a nurse. On one hand the off chance of someone actually reading something and recognizing someone is probably minimal but on the other hand it probably really isn't that difficult to connect the real me to the blog me. I'd hate to lose my job, my livelihood or any other part of my life because I said something I shouldn't have.

Weight loss blog? Umm. No. Yes I've lost weight although I've been pretty much plateaued still since January. But I'm no authority on the whole thing and honestly it's just hard. I still love sweet stuff way more than I should and while I've made definite changes with positive benefits there are many others who have (and who blog about it) and who have likely done it better. One thing I've noticed in me is that many of the "diet" foods or recipes that I've seen and tried I CAN'T STAND! They're gross. For someone who has always been a moderately picky eater I'm even more so now. Various textures are beyond me being able to consume and I find myself having a very hard time making myself eat things that are "good for me" just because they are good for me. I work to modify the foods I like as much as possible to be healthy and to keep my portions small so that I can to some extent still eat things I like. I've pretty much given up stuff like rice and pasta but will have an occasional bread product (usually half an english muffin a couple times a week) or if I go out for breakfast will usually eat a bit of the potatoes. Potatoes were a fairly big loss to me as they were pretty much my favorite non sweet thing. Telling myself I could never have them again just depressed me. I would guess I maybe eat them once a month or less. I have a few foods that I eat pretty regularly and while I try to mix it up some to prevent boredom too much mixing it up is a pain in the ass and not really worth it in taste or satisfaction. So, no. I'm not really a weight loss or food blogger.

I hate to just get on line and bitch about the daily annoyances so I've avoided that as well.

Really though, things are going well. I like my job most of the time although there are times (and a couple of co-workers) that occasionally make it a bit less likable. It's been really busy lately and my schedule has been a bit jacked up and I don't have many of my long stretches off. The last I had I went to Las Vegas with a couple of friends and we had a great time. It was a very short trip and I still didn't get to do everything I wanted to do but I had fun. It was also a pretty huge difference from my last trip there when I was so disappointed in my ability to get around and do the things I wanted to do because of my weight. I felt so much better and more energetic it was unbelievable. Eating while away from home was a lot more difficult. Finding things that appealed to my pickyness and were good for me was hard. I didn't do great but I didn't gain weight either. I mostly snacked and didn't do meals so much. When I got home I was very ready to sit down to a regular meal.

The fur babies are good. Sara still sometimes seems a bit down and lonely. She also seems a bit jealous of Lizzie and will react by just going elsewhere. I feel bad about this. With Luna she would shove her way onto my lap regardless but Lizzie not so much. Yet she will sit next to Lizzie on the chair or window seat and will occasionally try to play with Lizzie. Lizzie is doing good too. It's still a work in progress and she is still incredibly timid but there have been improvements. I've come to understand that she has her "safe" places in the house that I can approach her, love on her etc and then the rest of the house is hit and miss. Depending on how much time I spend working with her. I don't know how much is related to outright abuse or severe neglect. I've realized that prior to me adopting her she had probably never been outside or treated like a pet. She at first seemed to have no concept of what outside was. Now she LOVES going outside although sometimes her timidness gets in the way of me getting the leash on her to go out. She adores me and get so excited to see me come home in the mornings. She seems to also suffer from separation anxiety but we're working on that as well. It's very slow but there is improvement.

So a very long post to say that I'm still here. I still read blogs although tend to fall pretty far behind at times. I've also just remembered again that I am still frequently forgetting about my couple of password protect friends out there. I'm sorry. If it doesn't pop up in my reader or e-mail (I remember one blog I used to read that was PWP that I got an e-mail whenever she posted) I forget about it. Then I've also spent less time on my computer lately too. Now, I think I'll turn in for an early bed time since I was up late today with a dental appointment.

Perspective

So much in life is a matter of perspective. Or a matter of deciding how to look at a situation. I will admit that it's not always easy or maybe even possible to look at things from a positive perspective. I know I've had times in my life when I was drowning in depression that seeing anything in a positive light was near impossible for me. These days thanks to pr0zac it's a bit easier.

Last night I went to see Pri*nce in concert. I had heard about the concert about a week ago but knew I was scheduled to work. I kind of hum hawed about it but finally put my name down to be called off if we were over staffed. And it worked. I got called off. So did I have the guts, persistence or whatever to go to a concert by myself. I've done it before but it's not easy. I put it off to the last minute but finally headed out and told myself that I wouldn't be disappointed if I couldn't get in. There was actually a coworker who suggested we could go together if we both got called off but realistically the chances of both of us getting called off seemed slim. My mind kept coming up with excuses about what else I could be doing, how expensive it was etc and should I really go? I did go though. I had a great time too. Some of it was exciting and some of it made me laugh. There were a couple of old school folks like me there that had their lighters out waving them around. They were quickly instructed to put them away. Most of the audience had their cell phones out and waving them around. I noticed some even had some flashlight app thing (I seriously want that!) that was pretty bright. I also noticed that the whole no camera thing is a joke these days. Everyone has a camera on their phone. Mine of course takes pretty crappy pictures but it looked like some were probably getting some good shots. I noticed another coworker who was also there appears to have posted video on FB. I'm glad I went though.

Yes, it would have been more fun with someone but if I've learned nothing else from my life, I've learned that I can sit home thinking about what I would like to be doing and wishing I had someone to do things with or I can just go do them myself. I've gotten a lot better at it in the past 5 years or so. It's still sometimes a struggle but it's better. Which isn't to say that I don't have friends I spend time with but honestly a lot of times my priorities for how I spend my time or money is often different from other peoples. Which to me comes down to perspective. Am I alone or independent? I choose to pick independent. I'm pretty ok with most of it too.

It was an independent decision to decide to try to single parent. I was ok with that decision to even though to this point it hasn't worked out or happened. I know that some people having dealt with infertility (and not won as the case may be) probably couldn't do what I do for work, taking care of new moms and babies. Especially the ones that are truly so incredibly dysfunctional. My perspective is that I at least get to spend some time with babies and get a baby fix and then I get to go home and sleep in my nice quiet home. Maybe not where I had hoped to be but still not such a bad place to be. I realize too that for many it wouldn't be doable or would be too painful and that's ok too. For me, it's still about perspective and this is how I make it all ok for me. It works for me. I understand that it may not work for others and that's ok too. We all do what we have to do to get through the life we have. We all have our own perspectives.

Blogger is Hungry

It is. It ate my comments.

I had a couple of comments from my last post and when I tried to publish them that day I was told blogger was experiencing difficulties. Then today I tried and it said the comments didn't exist. See, blogger is hungry.

I did see the comments though. They just disappeared.

What I've Been Doing

Let's see. What have I been doing? Well for the last 10 days I haven't been working and it's been seriously really nice. I do go back to work tomorrow. Oh well, all good things usually end right? I've spent plenty of time on my days off reading, catching up with my TV shows, and sewing. I helped my friend move into the apartment next door to where she had been living, a task which I still claim is more difficult than a longer distance move. I went to a baby shower for one friend and to visit the new baby of another friend. Both of those tasks were surprisingly not really painful. I also spent some time with the 3 year old brother of the baby which has reminded me that while I love babies, I'm really clueless about kids. Sort of sad but true.

I've spent too much time on facebook, done some shopping, got my car worked on (I have a functioning AC just in time for summer in Fresno!), took pictures of the furbabies and worked with Lizzie. Rode my bike, didn't go to the gym often enough although I did survive my first and last kick boxing class, enjoyed the beautiful weather and went to get me some of my favorite raisins today at the place where they make them. Or package them or whatever. I've also done a little cleaning and going through things to get rid of. So much stuff that I don't need, have never used etc. I managed to give away most of the baby girl clothes I had to a friend who has just gotten custody of a niece that is an infant. Since all of her kids are grown she didn't have much baby stuff so she got some new clothes. Oh and I've actually cooked. Like real food. Cooking really isn't that much fun when it's just for myself so I don't do it often. I made some really good chili though and some grilled chicken and guacamole that was to die for. And not an onion in sight.

Lizzie seems to be doing a little better. The leash thing has improved as I now don't ever take it off (she drags it around the house all day which is endlessly amusing for Sara) and therefore I don't have to catch her to get the leash on, I simply step on the leash. That still panics her a bit but she is recovering fairly quickly. She will now take treats from me pretty much anywhere in the house and I don't usually have to work at it too much. I've also discovered that she hates to be brushed. Strange. Sara on the other hand loooooooves it. There are little piles of white fuzz all over the living room floor.

At any rate I thought I'd post a few recent pics. This one is Lizzie hanging out in another of Sara's favorite spots. Notice the look of disgust on Sara's face?

This one cracks me up. I kept noticing black spots all over Sara when I came home and I couldn't figure out where she was getting them. Till the day I watched her climb into the fire place. That explains the black spots. She just climbed in and sat there for a while.

This is the finished quilt top from the class I took that started in February. I still have to put the whole thing together to have a finished quilt but the top is done. I love how it's turned out so far.

This one is the newest project I'm working on and the top is partially finished in this picture. It's a bit more finished now but I didn't take any more pics of it tonight.

So that's just a little bit of what I've been doing. You know. Instead of blogging.

I'm Still Here

I am. I'm just at a bit of a block as to what to write about. And maybe feeling a bit sensitive about life in general. No huge apparent reason for that but there it is.

Last week I passed the one year anniversary of gastric bypass. On the 21st which was officially one year my weight was 191. 115 pounds lost. I've definitely plateaued and seem to be hanging out between 190 and 195 since around January. I'm mostly ok with this... I'm ok with the number and don't honestly care that much about the actual number. I know that I look, and feel much better than I did a year ago and am a lot healthier than I was a year ago. I'm ok with how I look. At least as long as I'm not looking at myself naked as all the jiggly bits are a bit horrifying to me. What scares me is that I'm still really close to that 200 pound mark which is a mark I don't ever want to go over again and I'd feel more comfortable if I was a bit farther from it. Or at least I think and have convinced myself that I'd feel more comfortable. Then again since so many women (myself included) seem to almost thrive on being unhappy with our bodies who knows. Yes I'm still working on exercise and trying to keep my food on track. The food part is a bit harder. It seems like there are more and more foods I don't like, I hate cooking and after eating the same meal over and over again I get tired of it. Hence I don't eat meals and then snack. Most of my snacks are fairly healthy but even things like nuts and dates and raisins can be bad if you eat too much.

All of that said and all of the things in my life that are going pretty good I'm still feeling a bit down. Things are really going well and I know that. I know that I have a lot to be thankful for. There's just things that make me sad and right now they seem to be piling up a bit more than usual.

Trying to conceive and infertility have been on my mind a lot more lately. A lot more. I'm not sure why. Or maybe I know why and I just don't know what to do about it. I'm just feeling more and more like that ship has sailed and the letting go is painful.

I'm having a really hard time with Lizzie and that's making me miss Sadie horribly. I miss Sadie's pure joy in everything. With Lizzie I get the excitement that I'm home in the morning but only from a distance. She's happy to see me yet is too afraid to let me pet her. She still doesn't trust me and it seems like it's getting worse, not better. If I try to put her harness on her she freaks out so completely I can barely get it on her. If she sees me get the harness she will not come near me at all. I tried leaving it on her and she chewed it off. Even if I get it on her I'm afraid to take her out as she freaks out if there is anyone walking towards us or she gets caught on something or any tension on the leash and will pull her body out of the harness. If she gets out of the harness I can't catch her again. Not even with treats. I can't play with her as she thinks I'm trying to hurt her if I throw toys for her or whatever. I would love to get my hands on whatever fool made her this way. I know she is doing the best she can and I do know that she was never a replacement for Sadie. However I'm at my wits end trying to deal with her and help her. Then feeling guilty when I get frustrated with the situation or with her. I guess I'm just feeling completely overwhelmed by dealing with her and feeling like I'm not doing enough or doing it right but not knowing what else to do.

So that's where I'm at right now.

Sweating

So last month I finally went and signed up for a gym membership. My weight loss has plateaued and while I don't care that much about the number the idea of weight gain scares the f'ing daylights out of me. I went 3 times in the first week (when I had complementary visits with a personal trainer) and then I haven't been back. At the times when I have time I seem to be able to come up with endless excuses for why I won't go now or justifications that I'll go later during the day or something. It's one of my character traits or flaws or whatever that drives me nuts. Not just procrastination but procrastination of important stuff. Taking care of my body and my health is important. So this morning when I woke at like 6am (after going to lay down and take a nap at about 6pm last night from which I never really woke up) I decided no time like the present. I figured there wouldn't be a lot of people there at 7am on a Sunday morning. I was right about this which helped.

It also makes me stop and look at my thought process a bit. I've been aware for quite a while that I tend to be very over concerned with what other people think of me. I'm often emotionally hurt but thinking someone doesn't like me etc. When I was a teenager I would have rather failed a project than speak in front of the class. I never wanted to do anything that would make me the center of attention. No wonder that whole going door to door crap for religion was shear torture. Well this still carries over into my adult life when it comes to fitness. I hate working out in front of other people. I hate thinking that others are looking at me and thinking how fat, disgusting, ugly, stupid looking etc that I am. So I avoid those situations. However it's me that's suffering and truly I am pretty sure that all those fears are in my head. Granted yes at the gym there is a fair share of the beautiful people there but there is also many more of your average, every day person trying to be healthy. Some thin, some not so thin. Some young, some older. What is it that makes me feel like everyone is looking at me. I have no idea. No idea how to get around this fear or whatever it is either. Near as I can tell it's something I'll have to just get through. Or work through or whatever. So I did my work out this morning. In many ways I feel better since I did do it. Even though my arms are a bit sore. Now to keep it up.

Everything And Nothing

So what's happening in your life?

Mine, lots and not much all at the same time. It feels like it's been forever since I've posted much of anything (I started this post over a week ago and am just now finishing it and posting it) and there has been plenty of things happening but then not much of it really felt worth posting about. I seem to spend the majority of my time reading, sewing and with friends and my furbabies lately and sort of spend very minimal time on my computer. Especially since I can check my e-mail and facebook from my phone. Checking blogs or blogging are a bit more complicated. As in I haven't actually figured it out yet.

Work is work. It's going fine and I like my job. Some nights I work the nursery and some nights I work on the floor taking couplets (moms and babies). They asked me at work to be a superuser for the new computer charting system that we will start using later this year and I agreed. Something new and different to try. I like variety and this will help with that.

Outside of work though it seems like a rarely even turn the computer on anymore. I feel bad that I'm not keeping up with every one's blogs as much but I also feel a bit like I've grown away from the TTC or infertility part of my life. At least for now. I can't say for certain that I will never try again but it isn't something that consumes me constantly any more. The reason for that is a bit more unclear. Sometimes I think that I'm really ok with never being a parent and sometimes I think that I've sort of some how managed to fool myself into think I'm ok with it as a defense mechanism in case it never happens. As always though life goes on whether it takes the planned path or makes it's own path and I find that I'm liking it more or feeling more at peace with it than I ever have before.

My weight loss has sort of leveled off at 110 to 115 pounds. I'm sure there are those who would say I didn't do very good as I could have lost more weight but I'm ok with where I'm at. I feel good. I'm still working at becoming more active (although I still don't really have a four legged walking partner as the little goof still sort of freaks out half the time when I take her outside) , I think it may be a life long sort of struggle as my favorite past times don't usually include a gym or weight machines etc. I am self conscious about some of the excess skin/flab that I have on various parts of my body but don't know if I will ever manage to save enough money for much plastic surgery and realistically my insurance isn't likely to cover it. I like me. Or most of me. There are still parts that bug me and things about myself that I question but for the most part I feel better about myself than I have in a really long time.

Two weeks ago I had a date. The fact that I'm still processing and not all that excited about going out again tells me that the spark or whatever wasn't there. He seemed like a nice guy but it just didn't feel like a good fit or what I was looking for. Then of course came the oh so annoying guilt that maybe I'm not giving it enough of a chance or that I'm not open minded enough but I think a lot of what it comes down to, is that I like being on my own enough that I'm not willing to settle for the first person who pays attention to me. I've been there before and it wasn't very fun or nice and I don't have much desire to go there again.

So that's my life. A whole lot of not much news and a bunch of little everything thrown in to keep it interesting.

Stuff

Yes, I'm working on getting rid of more stuff. I have so dang much of it. It amazes me too how difficult it is to decide to part with all of it when I have moved it so many times and have barely used any of it. I'm getting rid of the last of my rubber stamping and scrap booking stuff. Last year I sold all my paper and stamp pads for the rubber stamping so logically the few stamp sets I have left even though they are my favorites it doesn't make much sense to keep them. Hello, I have nothing left to use them with. The scrap booking stuff is all very pretty and all but again, I purchased a lot of sets of paper and stickers and have barely if ever opened any of them. They were all things I was going to use someday. The down side is that I don't love scrap booking. I love the finished product of cool pages with pictures but the actual process? Not so much. It's sort of a long time consuming process that seems to take me an hour or so to come up with a page or two. Multiply that with the quantity of pictures I have and deciding which to scrap book and which to just put in a photo album (hello it's much easier to put all of them in a photo album) and it's overwhelming to even think of starting. Plus the packs I have may or may not match the photos I have and many of the photos I have are scenery type photos (except the ones I've taken of my furbabies) and while beautiful not really scrap book worthy. Again, it's just more stuff to move around and collect dust. When I sold all my stuff previously I had put it on craigslist and one woman in southern california had purchased pretty much all of it and paid the shipping to send it to her. I e-mailed her yesterday and she said she was interested in what I had left and so today I sent her pictures of all of it. The hard part for me is the whole someday idea. I had bought all of this to use "someday when I had kids or got married" etc. It feels like stuff that I've put my life on hold for. I'm making that daily effort to not live my life in a holding pattern waiting for what might happen and it's time to work on getting rid of the stuff that is sitting around for "someday." Should I ever decide later to start scrap booking again my goal or plan is to go in and buy just the couple of sheets of paper etc that I need to complete a specific project, not just a bunch of random stuff that I like and want to use someday.

I'm also working on sticking to that idea for the quilting. I'm really enjoying learning how to quilt and want to keep learning but I'm working on not buying fabric just for the sake of buying fabric because I like it. I want to just buy it when I have a specific project I'm going to make. For instance I was going to take a certain class on Friday (which was cancelled dang it for not enough people signing up) and I bought the fabric for that project. I'm hoping that I can figure that project out enough on my own though and then maybe go into the shop for specific things I need help with and get it completed without the class.

So, that's my first couple of days off. Trying to weed out some of the stuff that's taking up space in my life that I don't really have much use for. And ugg is it a lot of work.

Light At The End Of The Tunnel

It's there. I can finally see it again. Hope or whatever you want to call it. Thank you everyone for all your kind words, support and stories shared.

My heart still breaks a bit at seeing Sara sit so quiet and lonely without her sissy there but she does seem to be warming up to Lizzie (a bit) more. Whether it's out of loneliness or that Lizzie likes to sit in her chosen spot who knows but I've found them sitting next to each other several times lately. This one was one of my favorites even though Sara isn't looking at the camera. She was actually touching Lizzie and didn't seem to mind. We're all hanging in here though and I even made it through the work week without crying which was a plus.

Lizzie is still adjusting and I find myself wondering frequently what this poor little dogs story is. She's truly adorable and she seems to want so much to play and come to me etc. However fear seems too to be a very big part of her life. She will let me walk up to her if she's sitting on my chair in the living room but not otherwise. If I sit down there she will crawl all over me loving on me and so excited. She's super excited to see me come home in the mornings. However she still will not come up to me anywhere else in the house and still seems to be absolutely terrified of being on a leash or going outside. She just sits and trembles. So much for a walking partner. Hopefully we will eventually get there and I know it's only been 2 weeks so far but I just am not sure how to go about working with her more. I do try to work with the leash in the house with treats. She'll do a bit of a belly crawl for the treats but still doesn't actually walk. Thank goodness though she's paper trained as I don't know what I'd do otherwise. Between her and my kooky cat though I'm going through a lot of puppy potty pads. Here's a couple of more pictures though of my timid little cutie.

Not So Ok

Just as a warning if you're not in a great place emotionally, you may want to skip over this.

I'm struggling. Really badly. Getting out of bed is a monumental task. Functioning feels near impossible as does interacting with others. Thursday night I was incredibly thankful that my shift got canceled because of low census. Friday night I called in sick. Taking care of others felt so utterly beyond me. Last night I wanted badly to call in sick but felt that if it was known that I was calling in because my cat died it would be viewed badly. So I went to work. And spent the first half of the shift barely being able to control my tears. I'm guessing nurses who are crying don't inspire much confidence in their patients. I was reminded several times that had I called in, it still would have only been considered one absence/occurrence. However by that time I was already there and a bit late to leave. It did get a bit better by morning but I still feel like I'm just drowning in sadness without any light in sight. I feel like a really bad week without my happy pills (yes I am still taking my happy pills).

I'm also struggling a bit with being angry. I'm angry this happened. I don't really know how to explain that and I know that to some people it will seem stupid and I know that in so many ways it doesn't come close to comparing to other peoples grief. We all have grief to bear at times during our lives. I think part of it is that I've spent the last 8 months or so sort of coming to terms with or attempting to come to terms with the very real possibility that I may never be a parent. Realizing that has been difficult but I've been telling myself I'll be ok, I've still got my furbabies. Then to lose 2 of them in less than a months time feels so completely overwhelming, unfair, unreal and ridiculous.

Losing Sadie made me sad but I knew it was coming. I had been fairly sure for close to a month that it was coming. By the time I said good-bye it was painful for me but it was also a relief sort of because I had spent a week watching her rapidly decline and at least to my perception suffer. I knew I was doing the right thing even though I knew I would miss her horribly.

I've also known for a while that I would lose my girlies at some point. I've known since they were a year old that they had a heart condition that would shorten their life span. I had been told that they would likely go into heart failure at some point, what signs and symptoms to watch for and what the end would likely look like. I knew that Luna's heart was a bit worse than Sara's and that she had been slowing down a bit the last 6 months or so. I figured I would lose her first. However I also figured I would have some warning. I thought there would be a visible decline in her overall health and that when the time came it would be a well thought out decision. None of that ended up being true for Luna. Thursday morning Luna was fine. Luna was herself. I came home from grocery shopping and was unloading and I saw her sitting there by the bags but didn't pay a lot of attention. After I finished I noticed her walking funny, dragging her back legs. I went to investigate further and she laid down and cried, she cried when I picked her up and it was obvious that it hurt. It was close to 4:30 in the afternoon and I was worried about getting her to my regular vet and not an emergency clinic. I called and was told to bring her right out, that I could always come as a walk in. My only specification was to not see the vet who I had problems with at the end with Sadie. The girl on the phone seemed surprised but was understanding and said it was fine, I could see someone else although the vet that usually sees the cats (and the one who put Sadie down) was off that day. By the time I got there I was pretty much sobbing hysterically. Note to people in the waiting room, if you're at a vets office and there is someone sobbing and holding their animal, they probably don't want to make small talk.

We were seen right away and it only took the vet a few minutes to come back and tell me the grim news, her feet were cold, she had no pulses in her back legs, no movement or sensation. He stated they could try to treat it but that he had never seen a cat survive this. I asked him what he would do if it was his cat and his response was a well worded and fully explained, let her go. I did spend about 30-45 minutes holding her and saying good bye to her before the injection was given. She had been sedated a bit but was still awake and I'm thankful for the time I got to say good-bye and to hold her. I held her until she was gone.

I think I knew as soon as I had seen Luna trying to walk that this would be the end result. It was so sudden and unexpected though. It was so damn soon after losing Sadie. No it wouldn't have been easy no matter when it happened but this has just felt so damn overwhelming. It makes me so sad to see Sara walking around looking for her or sitting around moping because she can't find her. It seems so strange to not have her sitting on my desk right now shoving things off the desk or chewing on the computer because she wants my attention. I miss her warm body in bed with me when I go to sleep. I miss my beautiful kitty.

I know this will all get better eventually but right now it just feels so damn hard and so fucking unfair.

Good Bye Again

Goodbye my sweet Luna Lulubelle. I'll miss you so very much. Keep Sadie company.

When I came home from grocery shopping today Luna couldn't walk. Her back legs weren't working. I took her to the vet and was told that it was a blood clot related to her heart condition that was paralyzing her back legs and that her chances of survival were very small even with treatment. So I made yet again the most difficult choice to say good bye to one of my babies.

Behind Again

Yes. Yes, I am. Behind on blog reading. I've had a hard time lately with just wanting to sit down and spend time at the computer. I know strange for me but there it is. I've been reading and sewing quite a bit. So I'm slowly catching up on my reader. Very slowly.

Doggy is doing pretty good. Turns out the name Molly didn't really seem to stick, possibly because I couldn't find anything that went with it that I liked. See Sara is Sara bera and Luna is lulu or wuwu (don't ask I don't even know myself), Sadie was Sadie sunshine and there just didn't seem like anything else went with Molly. So I've settled on Lizzie. To which I can do busy lizzie or dizzy lizzie. She's settling in pretty good. Still very timid and I wonder if there has ever been abuse in her past. She hates leashes and going outside. Totally freaks out and she pulls her head out of a collar or harness. We've been working on it some inside with treats but I think it will be a while. The other day I finally stuck her in the pet stroller and took her out for a walk which she still didn't love but she did ok. She's still afraid of the cats and won't let me walk up to her but if I'm sitting she will climb all over me loving on me. I worked a short shift today and left her home and out free and came home to no damage or problems. She did great. She also still uses the potty pads which is great.

I still miss Sadie. I'll be reading something or talking about something and remember things she used to do and get wistful thinking about her and how much I miss her. I still know I did the right thing and that she isn't in pain anymore. I also truly don't think she would have lived through that last weekend. I think it's quite possible she would have died as she was declining so quickly and wasn't really eating etc. I will also say though that my exercise habits with her gone have went to hell and I really need to get back to walking or something. It will help with the nicer weather coming. Saturday it was so nice I went out for a nice long bike ride and felt great. Now of course it's raining and cold again but I guess that's ok since I'm back to work tomorrow night.

I'm having tons of fun with my various quilting projects and blankets that I'm making. I have several in various stages of completion that I will post when I get them closer to being done.

I'm having a hard time with posting pics of myself. One part is the whole camera thing of no one really knows how to work my camera very well and the pictures never come out looking right (it's a manual focus one not point and shoot). I will also admit that the anonymous comment I got a while back was a pretty good direct hit to my confidence and it's hard to put myself out there as much knowing that this person whoever they are is still out there reading etc. Yes I know it shouldn't matter but words can hurt too.

Otherwise, life is just moving along. Not much of significance happening. Just work and enjoying my time off when I have it and having fun with Lizzie and the cats. Things and life are good.

Adjusting

So new doggy is adjusting. She is very timid. We've had a repeat of her getting off the leash, the collar popped open and she was free. Took me about 10 minutes to catch her which freaked me out to the point where I'm afraid to take her outside again. Upside is that she seems to be mostly paper trained. Yay! She is very cute and very timid but she is warming up to me. If I sit still in one spot she will come sit on my lap but if I move to suddenly she will shy away or cringe. She also growls at the cats if they get too close. I'm thinking though that all of this will improve as she gets to know us all. I can't decide if the name Molly works for her. I had decided that was what I would name her but now I just don't know if it fits. We'll see. Otherwise not a lot going on. Just trying to clean house and keep things here calm. Later today I've got some of my sewing projects to work on. Plus I want to get outside for a bit. The weather continues to be nice although a bit chilly. I love having the sun out though.

Spring? Maybe

It's finally starting to look a bit like spring here. Yes I know. It's February and we're sure to have ups and downs in the weather. However it's been sunny the last week or so and today it's close to 70 outside which is so wonderful. I should have slept most of the day and I didn't but oh well. I had errands to run and a doggy to visit.

Last week I started looking at various shelter and rescue groups and the dogs they had. It's just so lonely without a dog here. I was looking for a smaller dog since I don't see myself moving out of apartments in a while yet so a dog that would be more of an indoor sort of dog. Granted Sadie was a mostly indoor dog too and she wasn't much "smaller." I had found several dogs that I liked and had applied at a local shelter for one of a couple different dogs. Then I waited. Something I don't necessarily do well. Finally Thursday of last week I found out I had been approved but the dog that was my first choice I was second in line so it was a matter of waiting a bit more. This morning they called and told me that the other person who had applied for her had fallen through and so she's mine! I'm so excited. I went out and paid her adoption fee and visited her for a while. And almost lost her. I went to put her down on the grass and they had one of those slip leash things on her and I apparently had grabbed the wrong end. And she got off the leash. And I couldn't catch her. Yikes. Finally I pulled my phone out of my pocket and called back the number of the person who had called me to say that I could adopt her and told them where I was and what had happened. Quickly I had a couple more people out to help and we caught her. After that I opted to just sit on a bench and hold her which she seemed fine with. She's a little timid but I'm guessing she will warm right up fine. I felt like such a goof though. I worried they would tell me nope, you screwed up and now you can't have her.

She's a chihuahua mix (possibly with papillion) and is about 2 years old, weighs probably less than my cats. I did post a pic on facebook and will post pics here eventually. She'll go in Wednesday to be fixed and then I can bring her home Thursday or Friday. Then we get to learn how to walk on a leash etc. It will be fun though learning all about her.

I stopped at Tar*get on the way home from the shelter and they have some really cute clothes. I'd love to get some spring like stuff but I keep telling myself to wait a bit longer. I'm still changing sizes sort of quickly and I'd hate to buy a bunch of stuff and have it not fit by late spring. As it is the jeans I bought a couple of weeks before Christmas are already too big and I had to go get a new pair last week. Tar*get also has swim suits which is still a sort of scary thought. Even with the weight loss I still have an awful lot of extra, saggy, wrinkly skin that won't be covered up by a swim suit unless I buy one that fits from neck to knee. Not to mention that tank tops may be totally out this summer too.

I'm Ok

I am. Still sad but I know Sadie's better now. Last week was really emotional leading up to the whole thing and I'm sort of thankful it's over although I wish it hadn't come to that. I had taken Sadie in Monday, sort of expecting to not bring her home. Instead the vet did the "here let's try this medicine and this, and lets do a urine culture to see what the infection looks like to see if we can start her again on steroids." I agreed even though this left me over drawn and took her home again with more medicines. She seemed however to get worse every day. I finally heard from the vet on Friday morning and he kept going on and on about her urine culture and should we treat it etc and I finally sort of lost it. I started crying and said that I didn't care about the infection (she was still on antibiotics anyways) but wanted to know if she could go back on the steroids. I explained that she was having a lot of difficulty walking and seemed to be in a LOT of pain, she wasn't eating as she didn't want to walk into the food dish. He said yes he supposed we could but it might make the urine infection worse and that we could also try several other types of pain medications. I was crying pretty hard when I finished talking to him and got a call right away from my chosen parents in Spokane. I told J what was going on and basically after talking it out I knew that in my heart I knew it was time to put Sadie to sleep. I hated it but I knew it was time. I called the vet back to ask about the cost of putting her to sleep since I was overdrawn and they told me they would have the vet call me back. A few minutes later the clinic called me back and said that the vet wanted me to bring Sadie in for a complimentary laser treatment. I have no idea what the laser treatment was supposed to do but I really lost it at this point. I told them that I no longer had faith in this doctor and that I couldn't keep torturing my dog. I also told them I was considering either bringing her in to see the doc that usually sees my cats or going to a completely different vet. They offered to get me in right away with the other doctor who sees the cats.

When we got there I had to carry Sadie in, her legs kept giving out on her. When we got in she laid down and pretty much didn't move. I was sitting on the floor with her when the doctor came in and she sat down on the floor with us and talked to me. She said she didn't think it was a slipped disc as she wasn't acting right for a slipped disc and that it had all happened too quickly. Her thought was that it was likely cancer of some type but she basically told me what I needed to hear. That it was time and it was ok to let go. I signed the necessary forms and the doctor sat and held Sadie's head and petted her while the tech did the injection. I was so thankful that she was there and helped with this.

I know that Sadie isn't hurting anymore. I had a dream about her last night and she was her old self and I couldn't even keep up with her. She was so happy. I'm still hurting and the house seems so dang empty without her. The cats have been more clingy and seem to miss her too. I know I did the right thing but dang I miss her. I'm just so glad that she came back to me last summer. I'm glad I got that last few months with her and that I was there for her at the end.

Thank you everyone for all your kind words. It has really meant a lot to know that you were all thinking of me and my beautiful Sadie.

Good Bye

Good bye my sweet Sadie girl. I will miss you so very much.

Always Learning

I figure that I learn something new every day. Whether I want to or not. Life is a learning experience. This last week at work has definitely been a learning experience. I survived it and actually did pretty good but wow. I learned that my time management skills have slipped a bit. I spent all 3 nights at working running almost non stop until midnight. Then trying to catch up the rest of the night. I've learned that I really need to see about learning more Spanish. At least enough to get through some basic assessment questions and answers. Right now my Spanish is limited too asking about pain, hot or cold, allergies to medications, when baby ate and did baby pee or poop. Oh and does the patient smoke. Yes I need some more. I re-learned that the whole diaper changing and such needs to be quick especially with the little boys. I was weighing (done in the nude for babies) a baby yesterday morning when I noticed wetness. Yes, I got peed on. Fun times. I learned that no matter how good I am at drawing blood, even on babies, I need to not be cocky about it and take the baby to the nursery for lab draws. It is naturally distressing to the parents when it takes a couple of pokes to get the needed blood from the baby and it sucks to be struggling in front of the parents. I've remembered that I like being a nurse and connecting with my patients.

It was a good week although there were some very interesting patients on the floor. There was one patient who had just delivered her first baby. She was still pretty much a baby herself, not even a teenager yet. Another patient with MTHFR who had had 6 miscarriages. Young moms who seemed like giving birth wasn't going to slow them down a bit and was just not a big deal. Moms who even though they were likely very lacking in parenting skills, very obviously loved their babies very much. That's the part I have to make myself remember when I start thinking "why can this person have a baby and I can't?"

Today I'm learning that I may have to let go soon. Let go of Sadie. This weekend has been a bit rough. She's hurting. From what I can tell she's hurting quite a bit. She hasn't been eating much at all for the last several days and she only gets up and moves if she really truly has to. Stepping down off the curb is difficult and she can no longer raise her tail. Walking is slow and getting into the car was near impossible. She can't jump up at all and to lift her hurts her bad and she shies away from allowing me to do it. My poor baby. My heart is just breaking seeing her in so much pain. This is with her taking medications also. We got some more medications from the vet today to try but basically if this doesn't work, I may be out of options. Or out of affordable options since spending a couple thousand dollars on surgery isn't an option. Yes, this is a lesson I really don't want to learn.

Days Go By

Well tomorrow night is back to work for me. It has been so nice though having 5 days off work and knowing I didn't even have to use vacation time to get it. This is why I love 12 hour shifts. I've gotten a lot of reading done and some sewing. I have one baby blanket top done for a friend of mine at work who is pregnant and then I've got another one almost done. I've read like 3 books and just relaxed. So I work three nights, I'm off for two and then work three more. Then I'm off for six!! Somewhere in that six I think I'm going to venture to the coast and try to catch some sunshine and warm weather. All the dreary fog and clouds is making me a bit crazy here.

Last week I signed up for a quilting class. It starts this Sunday and I'm really excited about it. It's Quilting 101. I've done some self taught stuff with quilting but I figured it would still be a good experience to take a beginners class and learn from the start. I've been wanting to take a quilting class for years so I'm really looking forward to this.

Not a lot else going on right now. I continue to worry about Sadie and how she's doing. I'm worried that she's hurting. She just doesn't seem to have the energy that she did even a month ago. I've been extending our walks some because she gets moppy being in the house all the time but when we go farther by the end of the walk she just seems uncomfortable and like she's not enjoying it. She starts off fine but seems to really slow down and I think it's hard for her. I hate the idea of taking her back to the vet again as the doctor seems to want to "fix" it all and I think at this point it's more of a matter of symptom management and keeping her as comfortable as possible while balancing keeping her happy also. I worry too that I won't know when it's time to let go. Poor old girl.

Cousins

I read somewhere (another blog I think?) that cousins are our first best friends. When I was a kid and before school and friends and growing up and being an adult I used to spend so much time with my cousins. It makes me a little sad that I haven't kept in better contact with them in past years. Facebook though has been fabulous for reconnecting though. Yesterday as I was out walking my dog I was also walking along and laughing hysterically at a post my cousin sent me that was my dad's favorite "rant" when he was pissed off. It was so funny. It brought back so many other fabulous memories. Memories of weekends spent together building whole room tents and hiding out. Games of hide and seek and hot and cold. The adventures we took (the time we walked to downtown Tacoma comes to mind and my mom's major freak out when she found out). Time we spent talking on the phone and the threats of a hundred pigeons who hadn't pooped in a year being sent my way. Guess you had to be there. It's funny and strange to me though how much I remember my cousins being a part of my life up to a certain point and then how they just weren't so much after that. I find myself wondering what it was that changed. I also find myself wishing I could spend more time with them. See over the years I've let many of the relationships with family slip away. Part of it was influence from my mom as she started to really get over involved in her religion and while I was still in the phase of trying to please her. That whole keep yourself separate from those who didn't believe thing. Part of it maybe was fear. Fear of rejection or something. I'm not even totally sure. Other than I've spent years of my life fearing that no one wanted to be around me. It's nice to be able to move past some of those fears and to be in a place where I can reach out to them more than I used to and re-connect. It's even interesting (and nice) to me that their kids talk to me on facebook sometimes. Especially since I didn't really expect their kids to even remember me since I hadn't been around much.

It makes me feel like I wasn't quite as alone as I used to think I was, I was just to afraid to look at what was there, for fear that it wouldn't be there. Strange, I know. But it's baby steps and a work in progress. All I know is it's nice to have my cousins back.

My Week

Sorry about my little rant earlier this week. Mean people and bullies suck even if they are people who are just trying to hide what cowards they are. It also annoys me when people say shitty things but are too chicken shit to say it themselves and have to say it under the disguise of anonymity. It bothers me to think that the comment came from someone who is a regular reader since if you really dislike me that much, why bother reading my blog. Whatever though. Your issues anonymous, not mine.

Last week was a pretty good week but busy. Monday I had to update my NRP certification which I had to have for work. It's usually a type of course that you can't really flunk unless you really don't prepare at all. It went fine of course and I managed to get out of spending 5 hours with the unit clerk at the end of the shift. Then I worked day shift on Thursday and Friday. Those went ok too although they started awfully freaking early. I hate mornings. Funny how getting up at 4:30 in the afternoon doesn't bother me much but 4:30 in the morning just feels horribly early. The first day was fine and went great. The second day I was with a nurse who was very by the book and it felt very nit picky. Especially when I kept getting a lot of "I do it this way" in front of the patient which was basically interpreted by me as you need to do it this way too. I started feeling really prickly but finally decided that I'd be a mess by the end of the day if I kept that up. I tried to just let it go, get what I could from the experience and know that it was my last day of orientation. Now I'm done and I have 5 days off!!!! So nice being back to 12 hour shifts. I've got some sewing to work on this weekend and just stuff around the house.

Sadie is doing good and doesn't seem to be hurting much but seems to tire out more than she used to. I've been taking her for walks and she doesn't seem to want to go as far as we used to go. I feel bad for her and I hope that I can recognize when or if her quality of life seems to be declining too much.

My milestone of the week? Look at the pic.

For the first time in a very long time I weigh less than 200 pounds! This was a great feeling. This and shopping at Victoria's Secret last week for the first time ever. I even got myself a nice new fancy bra.

Anonymous

Gee Anonymous, why not grow a pair and stand behind what you say you fucking coward.

Some Improvement?

Thank you everyone for all your comments about Sadie. She is doing ok and even seems a bit better. Yesterday and today she has rolled over on her back and done her little self scratch thing she does. She hadn't done that in a good week or more so it makes me feel better. She has also been a bit more energetic which is nice too. I did go for a bit longer walk with her this morning and while she seemed to tire out sooner than usual she did ok. Right now my goal is to manage her symptoms and let her live life as much as possible. So we'll see how that goes. Not a lot else happening. I'm almost done with orientation at work which is nice. I'm sort of tired of having people follow me around all the time. I've had the last 3 days off work and have been cleaning house and putting away my Christmas stuff which has been a chore. I want to get my sewing out and start sewing more again. Right now though I'm thinking it's bed time. Trying to get myself switched around so that I can be at work bright and early Monday morning for a class I have to take. Yikes I hate mornings.

Expensive New Year

Well, my New Year has been a bit hectic so far. And expensive. On New Year's day Sadie cried out when the neighbor tried to pet her, and when I tried to pet her. I realized that her recent behavior was maybe not so much related to her extensive time indoors but possibly that she was in pain. Monday I loaded her up in the car to go to the vet. You all know where this is going right? Vet = EXPENSIVE, nothing is ever a simple visit with my animals. When the doctor picked her up to put her on the exam table she really made some noise and tried to bite him. He looked her over and took her to the back to draw some blood and some urine and to check the lumps. She came back and he said she had been fine, no further complaints from her. The lumps are fatty tumors. He said in the future he may recommend x-rays but for now we'd see what the lab work showed. When I took her out to the car she couldn't jump into the car. So back in the office we go. A general check of her back again elicited a response this time and the recommendation was for x-rays. I ended up leaving her for a few hours to come home and get some sleep. When I went back to get her the x-rays of her back didn't show anything but they won't show a slipped disc which is what he thinks the problem is. Her hips do have some osteo arthritis and hip dysplasia (how the heck is it that spell check can suggest dyspepsia and not know dysplasia?). There was talk of MRI's etc and we finally left close to $600 poorer and with a bunch of medicines and orders to keep her quiet, no running, jumping, long walks etc. Oh goody. At least she likes taking pills. So she seems to be doing a bit better. I still notice that she doesn't roll over like she used to and she definitely doesn't jump up on me anymore. We're supposed to go back next week for a re-check. I want her to be comfortable. I want her to enjoy life as much as possible but I have to admit that doing surgery or extensive treatments for this just isn't an option. It makes me feel bad to look at it from the perspective of her age etc but financially I don't have another option. I'm trying not to dwell on the fear that I'm going to lose all three of my animals this year. For now she's good. I'm just hoping she stays that way. Oh and she also still has a bladder infection (that's been there since at least August) and I'm now being told that she will likely be on antibiotics for the rest of her life. Yikes. So, that's my week so far.

Happy New Year!!!

Well I hope everyone has had a good New Year's Day. Mine was ok. New Year's Eve was nice. I went to my friends house and we watched movies, chatted and watched the ball drop. Right after midnight she asked what I wanted or hoped for in my New Year. My response? I'd like to get laid. It's been entirely too long since sex didn't require batteries. Yeah, probably TMI but it was good for a laugh and actually seems like something that might be attainable. The other things I think I would like for 2011 is I'd like to do more. I'd like to go more places. Whether it's more sight seeing in California or going other places I don't know. After watching "Letter's To Juliet" last night I'd really love to go to Italy sometime. I don't know if that's in the cards this year though. But there are other places I can go and I would like to work on that. I also want to continue to work on being kinder to myself.

I've noticed that I compare myself to others. A lot. It's sort of funny really since when I was a kid it used to seriously piss me off when my mom would compare me to other kids. My cousins did more helping out around the house (cause my aunt threatened them with their lives) and this kid or that kid from church did more church related stuff etc. I hated that. Yet I seem to compare myself to others way more than I should. The recent ones have been an acquaintance who had weight loss surgery (different procedure) a few months after I did. She's lost more weight than I have and is a smaller size. She also was required to lose some of that weight pre-surgery and really what difference does it make. Other than I fear being one of those people that others talk about failing with this and gaining the weight back. I've also noticed myself comparing myself to a couple of post partum mom's at work. Mom's who were big girls and I've caught myself thinking "They did it, had babies successfully, why couldn't I?" Problem with that is that I don't know and I may never know. I don't know if it was my weight. Or my age. Or just lack of opportunity. Hell who knows. If I had been having sex regularly maybe I could have still managed to hit that one month that I had a good egg and managed one that stuck. I don't know and that has to be ok. Even if I did know it's not like I could go back and change it. So, no New Years resolutions but plans to have more fun and do more and plans to be kinder and gentler with myself. Cause really? I'm sort of fricking amazing.

Merry Christmas!!!

Merry Christmas everyone. Sending many wishes for a beautiful day and many hugs to all!

Sizes

Clothing sizes are seriously strange. Beyond strange. I'm still adjusting to this. For so many years whenever I bought a piece of clothing I simply found the biggest size possible and bought it. Usually it fit although some clothing even in the biggest size was too small. I also remember back when I was in high school. I weighed about 150lbs at the time (which is still 50lbs less than I weigh right now folks) and I usually wore an extra large although once in a while I could get away with a large. Pants were about a size 11 if I remember correctly. These sizes fit although they were a bit snug. Not snug like you see so many girls wearing now but snug. I never would have dreamed though of wearing something that left rolls of fat hanging out from underneath the shirt or something. Anyways, at that time I was about a size 11 and XL. So, here I am 24 (holy shit has it been that long?) or so years later and 200lbs. I'm wearing a size 14 pants and it possibly won't be long before I'm into a 12. I'm also wearing fairly comfortably a size large top in most all things. Today I went to see if I could get a couple pairs of scrub pants and actually was able to wear a medium in a few. Maybe not the most flattering although they didn't look horrible if the top covered my ass but they fit. And in some of those the large was too big. I'm dumb founded. Has my body shape changed that much or have the sizes seriously changed that much? I'm pretty sure when I was about this weight at say 20 I couldn't get into anything less than a size 18 or 20 pants. Now 14 on my way to 12? It's really weird. Also makes it a bit more difficult. Gone are the days where I could just go into a store and pick out the largest item and buy it. No, I'm not complaining. Really. Cause shopping for clothes is soooo much more fun these days than it ever used to be. But I have to try every. single. thing. on. since I have no idea what size I am in various items. I spent a lot of time in the dressing room this morning only to find 2 pairs of pants that fit now and one pair that will probably fit soon (those are the mediums). I came home and pulled all of the 2x stuff and 18/20 stuff out of my closet since it really doesn't fit any more. Also the last few 22/24 items that I had bought last summer and wore a few times if at all. Yes I had several things in the closet that I had NEVER worn. Luckily most all of it was purchased on clearance and cheap. It just seems so mind boggling to me that I can go into virtually any store and purchase a piece of clothing.

This is truly the best thing I have ever done for myself. It hasn't been easy and somedays it still isn't but I am so glad I did it.

Busy Week

I can't for the life of me figure out why I can't seem to get all my Christmas stuff mailed out on time. Every year I tell myself "This year I'll get everything shipped out on time." Every year I manage to not do that. My BFF Christmas gift and birthday gift (her birthday is today) is still sitting in a box on my living room floor. Yes, it's going to be late again this year.

Work has been busy this week which has been nice. Monday night I got to work in the nursery with my preceptor and it was great. A nice boost for my self esteem as I feel like I did pretty darn good. It started off as a mostly calm not too dramatic night but towards the end of the shift we got a baby who needed to be on continuous pulse ox monitoring. So we got him all hooked up, I drew his blood and so on. A bit later all of the sudden babies oxygen started dropping. I jumped in and did what needed to be done and helped out until NICU came to pick him up. I realized later that I had taken care of the problem without freaking out or panicking. I was calm and I knew exactly what needed to be done. It was a nice feeling. I was also able to answer the questions of the nurse who came to pick him up without feeling like an utter idiot. This week I also took care of a fabulous couple who had delivered early. Babies were in the NICU so I didn't care for the babies but I really liked this couple and enjoyed talking to them and helping them. This is what I love about nursing. Feeling like I'm making a difference to someone. One more night (tonight) and then I'm off for 3 nights including Christmas. I don't really have any plans other than to watch movies and read. I hope everyone else has a Merry Christmas or great weekend or whatever.

Hello Again

I feel like I've been hardly posting lately but then when I think about needing to post I often feel like I don't have much to say. Like there hasn't been a lot going on in my life even though I guess there has been a lot going on.

Work is good. I'm liking the new position and my coworkers all seem really nice. I still miss my friends from my old position. I still find myself stopping by the office a couple of mornings a week to say hi to the wonderful ladies I used to work for. Yes, I have noticed a few "twinges" of pain at work when I'm holding someone's baby or something but mostly it's been ok. To some extent that feeling of longing for a baby of my own has returned a bit but it's not overwhelming. Yet anyways. I catch myself fantasizing about having a baby at some unknown point down the road but that's about the extent of it. I also find myself thinking about all the things I still would love to be able to do that would be much easier without children. I still also think of eventually getting back into NICU. I realize that I have things that I'm really good at. Like drawing blood which I did for 5 years before finishing nursing school. When I can help out a coworker and do the blood draw on an infant with minimal distress to the infant it's a really nice feeling. I also like working with the moms though too. For now, I'm in a good place. I'm loving being back to the 12 hour shifts and having 4 days a week off. I'm ok with the night shift again and am doing fine with sleeping during the day. I'm still feeling a bit of sadness at not getting the original position that I wanted in short stay. But as in all things, life goes on.

The weight loss continues to go well. I realize that I likely could be losing quicker if I did things maybe a bit differently but I also realize that I'm happy with where I'm at. I don't feel like I'm depriving myself and yet I'm continuing to lose at a fairly steady pace (although a bit slower pace than what my surgeon would prefer). I'm 2 pounds away from weighing less than 200 pounds. A weight I haven't seen since I was 21 which was a long fucking time ago. I feel better than I have felt in years. Yes I still have some aches and pains but so much less than I used to. My hips and back have been bugging me some lately but I think that it's related to me wearing the shape*ups from Ske*tchers. I also think that if I keep wearing them that my muscles will strengthen and I will eventually be better off for it. My knees on the other hand make me a bit nuts. They have been bugging me lately too. For the first time in YEARS or maybe ever I've been able to do stairs easily. I was a bit giddy with my ability to do several flights and not feel like I needed CPR when I got to the top. Then my knees started protesting. Now I'm back to elevators and feeling disappointed. However the falls I've had over the years (landing on my knees, yes I'm a bit of a klutz) and the years I've spent carting around close to or over 300 pounds have done some damage which isn't going to go away. So to some extent I need to be careful not to cause any further damage and realize that my knees will never be like they were at 21. Such is life.

I also can say that as much as I love to keep up with my friends from blog land I also feel a bit like I'm moving more towards living less of my life online. I don't know if that describes it right though. Mostly I had so many years where most of my friends were those I had met online. I didn't have friends that I spent time with outside of work or my computer. I do now and I'm loving it but I find that I'm tending to not blog as much. I think also that since I started this blog as a TTC blog and since I'm not TTC at this point and don't honestly know what the future holds for that I don't blog as much or as often. Sometimes I feel a little disloyal to all my blog friends who have been such a big part of my life for so long. It's hard to keep up sometimes.

Sadie is doing mostly ok although she is still having break through seizures fairly regularly. It sucks and I worry about her a lot. I still haven't taken her in to have the lumps checked out as I know that the next vet visit will likely be expensive as there are several tests that need to be done. So see, not much happening but yet lots happening.

First Night

Well tonight is my first night of my new position. I'm excited and nervous both. I slept most of the day so I should be fine as far as staying awake goes. I have come to the conclusion though that I really need to get some room darkening curtains. It was pretty light today. Course that was because it was sunny and BEAUTIFUL out. This is the reason I love California. I love a sunny day. There are going to be a few kinks to iron out I think. One, Sadie seems to think that since I'm home I can take her out to potty every 3 hours or so. I don't know if we still have a bladder infection thing going on but she seems to potty a lot. I worry too about her being alone for 13+ hours too. It's an awfully long time for her to go without being able to go outside. Oh how I miss having a yard.

I also don't know how my eating plan or meal plan or whatever is going to be affected by the change to nights. In the past when I worked nights I would come home from work and eat and then go to bed. Hell I ate all the time. Now I try not to eat and then crawl into bed. So I'm guessing that I will either come home and have nothing or if I'm hungry come home and have a protein shake maybe. Not a coffee one though. I also have mostly not "eaten" breakfast most days since surgery. I'll have a coffee protein shake usually and often don't really eat before going to work. Now I think I need to eat something before I go to work. Then I'm figuring something in the night for "lunch". I guess we'll see how it goes. In the past I also never really got much exercise on the days I worked but being in an apartment with no yard it is sort of not an option to not take Sadie for a walk. It's all a work in progress like always.

Over the weekend I read a most fabulous book. It's called "The Forgotten Garden" and the link is over there on my side bar. It was really a good book. There were some references to infertility in it that were pretty well done and the story kept me reading until the very end.

Now I suppose I should work on getting ready for work.

So Sad

Please go leave your thoughts with Paige right now. I'm so sorry for your loss honey and my thoughts are with you.

New Adventures

So next week starts my new adventure at work. I finished up my last day in the preop area yesterday and it was a bit sad. I've struggled the last couple of weeks with feeling sad and a little angry over the idea that none of management made any effort to keep me in surgical services. There was a 12 hour shift posted back in July that I applied for and talked to several different managers about how I wanted that position. However with the big changes in management that we've had over the last 6 months or so and the fact that we have an interim manager it has all sort of gotten pushed to the side. In addition to that the only manager who is still there is the one I used to worked under when I was in that horrible position and the one who I expected to do her job and do something about her nurses that were bullies and harrassing me. I'm guessing that what she had to say about me wasn't great. So it had been made clear that I likely wouldn't get the position I wanted and I started applying elsewhere. Once I had the job in post partum I got a lot of comments from my coworkers who don't want me to leave which sort of reinforced for me that it was specifically the one manager who was influencing me not getting the first position I applied for. Basically it all left me feeling sort of bad. That said, it's all done now. Tuesday I start in my new area and I want to start with a good attitude and give this my all. I'm excited that the department I'm going to is excited to be getting me and am looking forward to doing something new.

I'm also sort of hoping that maybe I can sort of get my "baby fix" working in post partum. I'm not sure where I'm at with TTC. Last week I felt like maybe I was ready to be done trying. I still want to be a mom but realistically I can't imagine putting more money into it. There are other factors as well. Things such as knowing that I'm 40 and how old I will be when my child would be grown, my chances of a spontaneous pregnancy (with no man or intervention hahaha!), and strangely how much the idea of any amount of weight gain freaks me the hell out. Then this week talking with my friend who is pregnant about names for her baby made me feel sad about how I'll likely never get to use the names I had picked out. I just feel so back and forth with it all. I do still have the single lone vial of spermies up in Sacramento but that will be a home insemination (as I don't really have a doctor anymore) and lets face it, the chances of that working or so fucking slim it's not even funny. So I feel like I'm slowly letting go of things. This week I went through all the boy stuff I had bought over the last few years of TTC and gave most of it to the friend who's pregnant. She was excited to get it all as she didn't have much and it will get used instead of sitting in a drawer for several more years. Besides lets be real. Should I ever manage to have a baby it's not like I won't buy more stuff. Some of the girl things will be a bit harder to get rid of. It's a work in progress though.

Oh and speaking of weight loss and gain? This week I finally hit 100 pounds lost. On Wednesday I weighed 206 which is 100.5 pounds off since surgery on April 21st. Plus I'm only 7 pounds away from being under 200 pounds! Yes I know I need to post some pictures I just haven't had anyone take any lately. I will soon though.

Last night while petting Sadie I found a largish lump in her abdomen. That has me sort of freaked out a bit. It's about the size of a golf ball and while I'm not a veterinarian or anything I'm pretty sure that lumps are almost never a good thing. That along with the fact that Luna has been coughing a lot more lately which is a sign that her heart maybe getting worse and that she could be going into heart failure have me freaked out a little. Both over the idea of the potential vet bills and the idea of losing all of my fur babies at once. So next week I will hopefully have some money left after paying my bills for yet another vet visit.

Great Thanksgiving

I had a great time in Washington for Thanksgiving. In spite of the snow and cold and worry over my dog. Everything was fine though so the worry was pretty much for nothing. It was very cold and snowy there which didn't thrill me but I had such a great time getting to visit with everyone. I really made more of an effort this time to get together with people that I don't see as frequently as I would like to which was nice. Spending the holidays with my chosen family is pretty great too. The cats did fine while I was gone although they were sure happy to see me when I got home and Sadie did pretty good too. I guess she had one seizure while I was gone but seems fine and I was really pleased and impressed with the kennel. I will definitely use them again. I have so many thoughts bouncing around in my head right now and things I want to "talk" out but I'm totally beat and really need to try to get some sleep. Plus Luna is trying to work her head under my hand so I will pet her which makes it awfully hard to type. So I will try to post again this weekend.