In my mind I can picture myself driving down the Pacific Coast Highway in a snappy little convertible, top down, wind blowing through my hair, sun brightly shining on the water next to the road. I see pictures of what could be, a smallish apartment overlooking the ocean with a deck chair, a little table and flower pots filled with blooms, stacks of books everywhere. Me taking off in an airplane to some of the destinations I'd love to go to. Hawaii, New York, Washington DC, Paris, London, Italy, Australia. In this picture I am happy.
Then I see a picture of a newborn baby on it's mother's chest and it leads me to picture in my head my baby laying on my chest, my newborn. Holidays with my toddler or young child about 5 or 6. Even though there is appeal in the other pictures is my mind and I even sometimes yearn for some of those first pictures there is still the belief that without the second set of pictures, all of the pictures before pale in comparison.
I'm tired. I'm tired of trying for and forever reaching for something I never seem able to attain. I feel as if I've spent my entire adult life reaching for that gold ring that is forever just out of my reach. I'm tired of sitting here in this limbo hell wondering if I will ever again have enough money to even try again forget the fear that it will never work. I find myself looking over and over again at sites for donor embryos. Last night I started looking up foster adopt sites and thinking about how cute this or that child was and that maybe it could work. Then I realize that this is a desperate grasping since I don't know that I'm fully ready to consider adoption and because I know that adopting an older child is not a path I really want to pursue.
After talking to Bleu I know that most of this feeling is from my compulsive need to plan my life out in advance and to know what's next. My compulsive need to be in control and to know or decide right now what is next. That idea of control that is really just an illusion since in truth no one truly knows for certain what's next and control is very often just an illusion. So for now I am trying to slow myself down. To quit my constant inner planning and to make myself just go one day at a time.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
Lazy Night
So I'm sitting here at work doing what I figured I wouldn't do by being on my own blog. I did however take the roundabout way here and really if IT wanted to find my blog? They probably already have. It's a bit disconcerting to think about people I work with reading my blog but I suppose anyone with enough initiative could. I've had 2 patients tonight and the last one left at 11:15pm. It's now 3:40, I just finished my book (which was seriously way funny by the way, Jen Lan*caster is about the only non fiction writer I can seriously get into and read) and I've got more than 2 hours before it's time to go home. Work is still all kinds of drama and annoying. I'm still trying to stay the hell out of the drama and not take it personally when they talk about how uncool those who wear birkenstocks etc (basically someone like me who's just not that concerned with fashion) are. I would work with a bunch of men over women any freaking day.
All the bugs on my patio have disappeared, gotta love them hungry birds!!! Unfortunately the ones in the garage have increased in number. They are freaking every where!!! I'm afraid to go into the garage now for fear that one will drop out of the rafters on my head, yes I'm sure that the scream would be heard round the world should that occur. Even stepping on one is enough to give me the all over body shiver. And they're dead! I need to get a broom and sweep all those nasty things out. And bug guys? Have earned a customer for life. I would now happily pay them virtually anything to ensure the bugs are gone. Oh and there's a possibility that Christmas this year will be rather traumatic when I have to open all the boxes that are stacked in the garage and deal with what will hopefully be dried out buggy corpses.
My flowers are doing great! They look sooo pretty. I love to go out and look at them and am trying to get over the fear of being out on the patio too (the whole bug thing again, Yes I know I'm not really rational about this). The cats have taken up sitting next to the door and crying because they want to go out. I think I've created monsters.
All the bugs on my patio have disappeared, gotta love them hungry birds!!! Unfortunately the ones in the garage have increased in number. They are freaking every where!!! I'm afraid to go into the garage now for fear that one will drop out of the rafters on my head, yes I'm sure that the scream would be heard round the world should that occur. Even stepping on one is enough to give me the all over body shiver. And they're dead! I need to get a broom and sweep all those nasty things out. And bug guys? Have earned a customer for life. I would now happily pay them virtually anything to ensure the bugs are gone. Oh and there's a possibility that Christmas this year will be rather traumatic when I have to open all the boxes that are stacked in the garage and deal with what will hopefully be dried out buggy corpses.
My flowers are doing great! They look sooo pretty. I love to go out and look at them and am trying to get over the fear of being out on the patio too (the whole bug thing again, Yes I know I'm not really rational about this). The cats have taken up sitting next to the door and crying because they want to go out. I think I've created monsters.
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
Flowers
So on Monday I got all my flowers in pots. I think they look great and love having things growing again. I thought I would share some of the pics of all my plants.
These are some of the African daisies I planted and are some of my favorite flowers.
Another African daisy in a bit different color.
The view of the back of my house from the yard.
Really pretty hummingbird feeder I found, I hope I get some hummingbirds.
The hanging pot I got that's full of pansy's (or violas or whatever the heck they're called).
This is my little orange tree. I got a small one so it would be ok in a pot for a couple of years until I could figure out where to plant it for good.
These are some of the African daisies I planted and are some of my favorite flowers.
Another African daisy in a bit different color. 
The view of the back of my house from the yard.
Really pretty hummingbird feeder I found, I hope I get some hummingbirds.
The hanging pot I got that's full of pansy's (or violas or whatever the heck they're called).
I know many of these flowers are perennials so hopefully they will last a couple of years if I take good care of them.
Oh and and update on the bugs? All the dead ones on the patio and the dead one I was sure I saw in my bedroom are all gone!!!! As much as I would rather Sadie not eat them I'm hoping that her or the birds (outside) ate them and it's not my worst nightmare coming true where the bugs reanimate themselves and the make it their life goal to kill me in my sleep.
Totally Freaked Out
So a couple months ago (doesn't seem like that long but I think it was) I saw a big nasty ugly ass roach in my garage. I called Bleu telling her how freaked out I was and she laughed at me since we all know where there is one there is more. Which was precisely why I was so damn freaked out. I had planned to call a bug guy right away and of course got side tracked and didn't. Since then about once every week or two I would run across another one either in the garage or living room. Gross, nasty yuck. Squish it and remind myself that I need to call the bug guys and then promptly forget to call the bug guy. So Monday when I was trying to get my flowers all planted someone was knocking at my door which was annoying until he introduced him self as someone working for one of those bug guy places. The whole sales spiel and all about getting customers in my neighborhood since they have someone else they're doing and offering low first time price etc and I was sold. I mean even though I've only seen a few there most likely is more. So yesterday they came and sprayed. All over outside, in my garage and in the house. Last night right before I left I saw a dead roach outside on the patio. This morning I saw about 8 dead ones in the garage. I think I saw a dead on in my bedroom and there are probably about 12 dead ones out on the patio. And I am officially completely FREAKED the fuck out about all the damn dead bugs. Because being dead doesn't necessarily make them any more pleasant to clean up. And since they died because of bug spray it's not really a good thing for me to hope the dog eats them this time. Which leaves me wondering if the bug guy company that has a cobweb removal service that comes with the spray job also have a dead bug removal service.
Oh and remember how nice I am to not have taken pictures of the nasty big ass 2 inch long fat roaches here to gross all you out too. I was tempted since I should have witnesses to the grossness and the cats and dog just don't seem to care about the gravity of this situation.
Oh and remember how nice I am to not have taken pictures of the nasty big ass 2 inch long fat roaches here to gross all you out too. I was tempted since I should have witnesses to the grossness and the cats and dog just don't seem to care about the gravity of this situation.
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
Sock It To Me
So several weeks ago I saw the button on the blog of I'm A Smart One for the sock it to me. It reminded me of a friend who sent me a fun pair of socks for my last IVF. It was nice to know that she was thinking of me and each time I put them on I think of her sending out her wishes for a positive with that cycle. Even when it wasn't a positive. I thought it sounded like a fun idea so I signed up to participate. A few days after we got our sock buddy assignments I received a package in the mail and I was surprised as I didn't know what it was. It was my socks!!! Stacey over at A Little Hope was really on the ball with how quickly the socks arrived with a cheerful little message. And what cute socks they were with doggies all over. Here's a pic of the socks on and Sadie looking up at me and then below I tried to get a pic of some of the design on the sock. 
The whole idea behind the sock it to me (at least in my opinion) is to get people in touch with blogs they may not usually read and to remind us what we have gained by being a part of the IF/ALI blog community. I know I've gained a lot. I've met some fantastic people both on line and in real life that I never would have met otherwise. I am able to connect and talk to people who understand what I'm going through and can listen/read what I'm saying without having to jump in with all the little bits of advice that we often receive from the fertile community. I've gained knowledge about myself as a woman, my body and it's cycles, and infertility. Knowledge that I hope someday to put to an even bigger use in my professional life. I've got a cheering squad for when I'm cycling or feeling down for whatever reason. I've got people I could go visit in probably almost all 50 states and even some other countries outside the US if I ever take up traveling. I've got people who read and comment on my journaling bits and even about my coworker complaints etc. I don't know what I would have done the last 2 years without the friends I've gained here. I don't know what I would continue to do in the future without those who have went before me and can help make the path ahead a bit less bumpy along the way.
The whole idea behind the sock it to me (at least in my opinion) is to get people in touch with blogs they may not usually read and to remind us what we have gained by being a part of the IF/ALI blog community. I know I've gained a lot. I've met some fantastic people both on line and in real life that I never would have met otherwise. I am able to connect and talk to people who understand what I'm going through and can listen/read what I'm saying without having to jump in with all the little bits of advice that we often receive from the fertile community. I've gained knowledge about myself as a woman, my body and it's cycles, and infertility. Knowledge that I hope someday to put to an even bigger use in my professional life. I've got a cheering squad for when I'm cycling or feeling down for whatever reason. I've got people I could go visit in probably almost all 50 states and even some other countries outside the US if I ever take up traveling. I've got people who read and comment on my journaling bits and even about my coworker complaints etc. I don't know what I would have done the last 2 years without the friends I've gained here. I don't know what I would continue to do in the future without those who have went before me and can help make the path ahead a bit less bumpy along the way.
Sunday, April 05, 2009
Flowers
I love flowers and gardening. Not so much indoor plants but outdoor plants and gardens. About 9 years ago when I was living with my ex I planted all kinds of things all over his yard. A lilac bush, wild rose bush, tulips, crocuses, peonies, a maple tree and a few veggies. We built a large 4' x 4' box that I planted tomatoes and zucchini in. Of course after planting all of that we realized that the neighbors cats thought we had built them a great big giant litter box but with some chicken wire and posts we managed to keep them out. Whenever I go home in the spring or summer I have to go over to his house to see how all my plants are doing. My lilac bush that was really small is pretty big now. The maple tree that was 3 leaves I kid you not is now taller than I am. My peonies are usually huge. I also had a house that I lived in while I was in nursing school that I planted a lot of bulbs in the yard and a lot of day lilies. When I moved out I gave most of the day lilies to my neighbor. Since then though I haven't had much chance to plant things. I went and bought some blueberry bushes when I was in Chico and ended up moving 2 months later and giving them to a friend there. My house at home I planted a few things out front that were perennials but I never had enough money to plant much. Then moving around as a traveling nurse it was pointless to buy plants even if they were portable. So now that spring is here I've been going crazy thinking about all the things I want to plant. Since I'm in a rental house though I was reluctant to plant too many things in the ground that I'd have to leave when I move. I can do pots though!! I decided I would get some tomatoes and maybe a few flowers. Yeah. Because I can just stop at a few flowers. You know when it takes you 3 carts to get out of L0*wes that maybe you over did it a bit. Of course I forgot a small shovel thing so tonight they all sit in my garage waiting to go into the pots. It doesn't look like much in the pics here but I did get a bunch. I'll have to post pics again when I get it all planted.
This is the pots I bought, the orange tree, my chair to sit in and 3 bags of dirt for the pots.
This is a pic of a rose that is already in my back yard and it was so pretty when it finally opened I had to take a pic of it.
This is the 3 tomato plants, some flowers and some tree food stuff along with a bunch of other stuff in my garage.
This is the pots I bought, the orange tree, my chair to sit in and 3 bags of dirt for the pots. 
This is a pic of a rose that is already in my back yard and it was so pretty when it finally opened I had to take a pic of it. 
Saturday, April 04, 2009
Sundays
So I'm on my five day off stretch from work. I love this part. I hate the part of going back and working 5 in a row. In addition to that in the next 2 weeks I'm picking up 3 extra shifts (36 hours) as the person who does the job on my nights off is going on vacation. I figured I could use the extra money and I was planning on going home or to Seattle at the end of April since a friend is supposed to be having surgery. Now everything is totally up in the air about when and what sort of surgery so I'm not sure if I'm going. Plus I also realized that it's much harder to take off for a few days now that I have Sadie here and needing medication twice a day. Still haven't figured that one out. I have figured out that it's official. I now have 2 animals that pee in the house. Ugg. At least I'm thankful for the non carpeted floors even if I don't like them. Sara has been doing pretty good with the exception of the occasional puddle on the dog bed. However it starts with Sadie's puddle on the dog bed. The only thing I can figure is that the medication causes increased thirst (along with the increased hunger) and increased urination. Factor that in with the fact that she's nine years old and I'm guessing that holding it 14 hours like she used to is a bit beyond her ability. I feel bad for her but I'm having a difficult time adjusting to this new need of keeping track of the bathroom habits of yet another animal.
Work is work. I like my job really well. Coworkers not so much. I'm having a hard time with it. I've got one charge nurse who I don't work with often but when I do she feels she has to prove to me that she is my superior and spends the entire night telling me what to do and when to do it and basically drives me nuts. The other charge nurse is easier to get along with but she's subtle in her BS. She's the one who is constantly talking about everyone else, bad mouthing them etc. She says things on a fairly regular basis to let me know that she thinks I'm a loser because I don't have an active social life like she does. The thing about this is that one, I know I'm not a loser and I'm pretty happy with things the way they are. I don't feel a need to go out all the time. I also know that she's basically a witch and that she's not someone I really would like to hang around with anyways. That said it's still sort of difficult to be around her and put up with her shit. I know that whole thing about being professional and it's a job and who cares if your coworkers like you etc but it's still difficult to look forward to going to work when you work with people you really don't like.
Today I bought a bathing suit. Got it online which I know probably isn't the best plan but it's the only one I could find that I like and I'm usually pretty comfortable with this companies sizing as I've bought from them before. It seriously just about killed me to pay $70 for a freaking bathing suit. Then I thought about it and realized the last bathing suit I purchased was in 1997 which was 12 years ago. So I know it's not that bad to pay that much if it's going to last another 5-10 but it still sucks.
I still don't know what my next step is. I want to try again really bad. I'm trying to figure out how to come up with the money part of trying again. I'm also working on getting on some lists for donor embryos. We'll see what happens first. I also can sit here and think about what my life would be like if it was just me and no baby. And I can see it. Which I suppose tells me that if it never happens I'll be ok. Even happy maybe. Maybe not as happy as I would be if I had a baby but happy anyways.
So that's the last week for me. Lots of other things but just the mundane things in life. Like watching the last episode of my favorite show ever. The show that I have seen almost every episode of since the beginning. I'll miss ER. Work things about the patients I care for that for whatever reason touch my life in some way. Just the stuff of life.
Work is work. I like my job really well. Coworkers not so much. I'm having a hard time with it. I've got one charge nurse who I don't work with often but when I do she feels she has to prove to me that she is my superior and spends the entire night telling me what to do and when to do it and basically drives me nuts. The other charge nurse is easier to get along with but she's subtle in her BS. She's the one who is constantly talking about everyone else, bad mouthing them etc. She says things on a fairly regular basis to let me know that she thinks I'm a loser because I don't have an active social life like she does. The thing about this is that one, I know I'm not a loser and I'm pretty happy with things the way they are. I don't feel a need to go out all the time. I also know that she's basically a witch and that she's not someone I really would like to hang around with anyways. That said it's still sort of difficult to be around her and put up with her shit. I know that whole thing about being professional and it's a job and who cares if your coworkers like you etc but it's still difficult to look forward to going to work when you work with people you really don't like.
Today I bought a bathing suit. Got it online which I know probably isn't the best plan but it's the only one I could find that I like and I'm usually pretty comfortable with this companies sizing as I've bought from them before. It seriously just about killed me to pay $70 for a freaking bathing suit. Then I thought about it and realized the last bathing suit I purchased was in 1997 which was 12 years ago. So I know it's not that bad to pay that much if it's going to last another 5-10 but it still sucks.
I still don't know what my next step is. I want to try again really bad. I'm trying to figure out how to come up with the money part of trying again. I'm also working on getting on some lists for donor embryos. We'll see what happens first. I also can sit here and think about what my life would be like if it was just me and no baby. And I can see it. Which I suppose tells me that if it never happens I'll be ok. Even happy maybe. Maybe not as happy as I would be if I had a baby but happy anyways.
So that's the last week for me. Lots of other things but just the mundane things in life. Like watching the last episode of my favorite show ever. The show that I have seen almost every episode of since the beginning. I'll miss ER. Work things about the patients I care for that for whatever reason touch my life in some way. Just the stuff of life.
Show And Tell
Well the good news is the other day after I posted that I was worried my dog ate the baby birds I saw them on the back fence. So, Sadie didn't eat them they just got sick of me coming out to look at them and flew the nest. So I figured I'd show today the last few pics I got of the baby birds. The first pic hereis the babies in the pot and I got up to take their picture. After I took one pic the baby got all puffed up because the flash startled him and that was so dang cute I had to take another pic.
The second one here was a bit harder to get a good pic of but it's one of the babies sitting on the fence by my back yard. I think if you click on it you can see it bigger and see it sitting there on the fence. I wasn't able to get very close to them because they flew off and one had already flown out of camera range.
To see what the rest of the class is showing today head on over to Stirrup-Queens and join the fun.
The second one here was a bit harder to get a good pic of but it's one of the babies sitting on the fence by my back yard. I think if you click on it you can see it bigger and see it sitting there on the fence. I wasn't able to get very close to them because they flew off and one had already flown out of camera range.
To see what the rest of the class is showing today head on over to Stirrup-Queens and join the fun.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
So Many Thoughts
So many thoughts are and have been buzzing around my head lately. I'm not sure what to do with all of them.
I finally finished all The Chronicles of Narnia. Didn't like them nearly as much as when I was a kid. Matter of fact I didn't like them at all. As a kid I was able to just enjoy the story. Now it just seemed like there was too much symbolism and things behind the story. Oh well.
I was going to post baby bird pics for show and tell and I did get a few that were pretty good but then it felt like a total downer to then mention that on Thursday the babies disappeared. They were fairly well feathered out so I'm hoping that they took off flying. However I've seen several adult doves around and no babies. My fear is they tried to fly, hit the ground and my dog ate them. Since you know she eats absolutely everything these days. Thursday night I did see momma back looking in the nest which made me fear the worst.
ACLS has been passed and is done for 2 years. It wasn't too bad. It was good that I took the arrhythmia class first. Now on to PALS. Oh goody. Work has been busy. I've had patients all night most every night which I suppose is a good thing. It's job security. Plus the bothersome nurses have less drama to make when they're busy.
The weather here is warm and beautiful. I'm enjoying it sooooo much. It was like 82 today. Nice day for a drive. I went to pick up a water cooler I found on Cra*igs*li*st a ways out of town. I had been watching for one as I like having cold water and the whole buying water jugs for a buck a gallon and then the fact that I'm buying all that plastic. So I got my big 5 gallon jug and it cost 1.25 to fill it. And I noticed it's the type 7 plastic which is supposed to contain the BPA stuff that's supposed to be all bad for you. Hmm. Not sure what to think now.
I have tons of stuff. Stuff that I probably don't need. I have been into craft stuff for a long time. A few years back I got really into rubber stamping and for several years made all of my greeting cards etc. I've noticed though that I just don't enjoy it that much anymore. I don't know what to make and the few times I've had my stuff out in the last 3 years or so I haven't really enjoyed nor been that happy with the end result. I had sold off a lot of my stamps a couple years ago that I wasn't using and am now considering selling off the rest of them. Funny thing is that I had several stamp sets I was having a hard time parting with because I might have a reason to use them someday. Like someday if I have kids. Now I'm just not seeing it. And they take up space etc. And if I'm not using them it seems stupid to keep them but then I'm one of those people who hates to get rid of things. I'm also reconsidering the whole scrapbooking idea. One can only scrapbook so many pictures of ones pets and lets face it my pictures are a lot more likely to get attention if I actually stick them in a regular old photo album then have them sitting in a box waiting for me to get around to making scrapbook pages. The times I made scrapbook pages it usually took me hours to make like 2 pages. So considering weeding out a lot of the craft stuff.
Which may come down in part to the fact that the farther I get away from fertility treatments the harder it seems to consider doing it all again and spending that much money again. I'm still trying to pay off the last cycle (likely to take at least if not longer than the year I speculated till I can try again) and the thought of spending even more money is so hard to wrap my head around. For a better chance but still by no means a sure thing. For the record I did speak to the nurse at my doctors office about having my name put on the donor embryo list there but I am just having a difficult time of the idea of spending that much money again for a maybe. Which makes me wonder if I'm a bad infertile or bad potential mom. One part of me mourns so much the children I've never had (and fear I may never have) and another part of me wants my life back. I want to not spend all my time wondering what's next, when can I try again, should I try to adopt, what car, job etc is the best potential for if I'm a mom. Sometimes I truly feel like I could just walk away from it all and be ok with that. I could enjoy the things about my life that I do really like such as being able to go where I want when I want, spend my time doing whatever I want etc. I could decide to live wherever I want to regardless of whether I could have a house with a yard for children. Then once in a while I see a newborn or little girl or boy and feel myself breaking apart wondering why I can't have that or why it comes so fucking easy for so many who appreciate it so little. I just feel so much right now like I have no idea what I want or what to wish for or hope for.
I finally finished all The Chronicles of Narnia. Didn't like them nearly as much as when I was a kid. Matter of fact I didn't like them at all. As a kid I was able to just enjoy the story. Now it just seemed like there was too much symbolism and things behind the story. Oh well.
I was going to post baby bird pics for show and tell and I did get a few that were pretty good but then it felt like a total downer to then mention that on Thursday the babies disappeared. They were fairly well feathered out so I'm hoping that they took off flying. However I've seen several adult doves around and no babies. My fear is they tried to fly, hit the ground and my dog ate them. Since you know she eats absolutely everything these days. Thursday night I did see momma back looking in the nest which made me fear the worst.
ACLS has been passed and is done for 2 years. It wasn't too bad. It was good that I took the arrhythmia class first. Now on to PALS. Oh goody. Work has been busy. I've had patients all night most every night which I suppose is a good thing. It's job security. Plus the bothersome nurses have less drama to make when they're busy.
The weather here is warm and beautiful. I'm enjoying it sooooo much. It was like 82 today. Nice day for a drive. I went to pick up a water cooler I found on Cra*igs*li*st a ways out of town. I had been watching for one as I like having cold water and the whole buying water jugs for a buck a gallon and then the fact that I'm buying all that plastic. So I got my big 5 gallon jug and it cost 1.25 to fill it. And I noticed it's the type 7 plastic which is supposed to contain the BPA stuff that's supposed to be all bad for you. Hmm. Not sure what to think now.
I have tons of stuff. Stuff that I probably don't need. I have been into craft stuff for a long time. A few years back I got really into rubber stamping and for several years made all of my greeting cards etc. I've noticed though that I just don't enjoy it that much anymore. I don't know what to make and the few times I've had my stuff out in the last 3 years or so I haven't really enjoyed nor been that happy with the end result. I had sold off a lot of my stamps a couple years ago that I wasn't using and am now considering selling off the rest of them. Funny thing is that I had several stamp sets I was having a hard time parting with because I might have a reason to use them someday. Like someday if I have kids. Now I'm just not seeing it. And they take up space etc. And if I'm not using them it seems stupid to keep them but then I'm one of those people who hates to get rid of things. I'm also reconsidering the whole scrapbooking idea. One can only scrapbook so many pictures of ones pets and lets face it my pictures are a lot more likely to get attention if I actually stick them in a regular old photo album then have them sitting in a box waiting for me to get around to making scrapbook pages. The times I made scrapbook pages it usually took me hours to make like 2 pages. So considering weeding out a lot of the craft stuff.
Which may come down in part to the fact that the farther I get away from fertility treatments the harder it seems to consider doing it all again and spending that much money again. I'm still trying to pay off the last cycle (likely to take at least if not longer than the year I speculated till I can try again) and the thought of spending even more money is so hard to wrap my head around. For a better chance but still by no means a sure thing. For the record I did speak to the nurse at my doctors office about having my name put on the donor embryo list there but I am just having a difficult time of the idea of spending that much money again for a maybe. Which makes me wonder if I'm a bad infertile or bad potential mom. One part of me mourns so much the children I've never had (and fear I may never have) and another part of me wants my life back. I want to not spend all my time wondering what's next, when can I try again, should I try to adopt, what car, job etc is the best potential for if I'm a mom. Sometimes I truly feel like I could just walk away from it all and be ok with that. I could enjoy the things about my life that I do really like such as being able to go where I want when I want, spend my time doing whatever I want etc. I could decide to live wherever I want to regardless of whether I could have a house with a yard for children. Then once in a while I see a newborn or little girl or boy and feel myself breaking apart wondering why I can't have that or why it comes so fucking easy for so many who appreciate it so little. I just feel so much right now like I have no idea what I want or what to wish for or hope for.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Books, Books, and More Books
So I've probably mentioned a few times that I like to read. Haha. Or maybe a lot. My mom used to read to me a lot when I was little and I kept that joy. I think as I got older it drove my mom a little crazy because as much as I liked to read I hated to read the religious literature that she wanted me to be reading. At any rate reading has always been one of my favorite pastimes and I've read many, many books. Sometimes I liked some books so well that I read them numerous times. I remember one book I read when I was about 13 or 14 that I loved so much I kept checking it out from the library. It was called Eyes of Darkness and I must have read it 10 times. When I was 18 I discovered De*an K00ntz who is one of my favorite authors although I like much of his older stuff much better than his newer stuff. I was so surprised then when I figured out years later that he had actually wrote that book I loved so much as a teenager under a different name.
I've also went back and re-read some of the books I read when I was younger to see if I really liked them that much. I remember buying some of them for my little sister. Stuff like "From The mixed up files of Mrs Basil E. Frankweiler" and "The Egypt Game" I hope someday to read some of those books to my children. Or at least have them read them.
Another set of books that I remember loving and reading several times was "The Chronicles of Narnia" I remember thinking my mom wouldn't like me reading them because of the magic aspect in the stories. Magic was considered bad and the work of the devil basically. Heck, once my mom figured out what the smurfs was all about I wasn't even allowed to watch that. A few years ago when the first movie came out I did rent that and watch it and remember thinking it wasn't nearly as good as the books. A couple weeks ago when I was wanting to re-read Harry Potter I decided instead to re-read the Narnia books. So I started yesterday and made it through the first book which actually isn't "The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe" but "The Magicians Nephew" or at least that's the order in my book. I remembered nothing of that story although I'm fairly certain I did read it. I've also now made it through "The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe" However I am finding that I'm really not liking these books as much as I did as a child. When I read them as a child they had the draw of being somewhat forbidden. And they were fantastic stories about magic. I had a friend who pointed out to me a few years back that C.S. Lewis was a Christian and that he had wrote a book about Christianity that she wanted me to read. Of course she was at that time still trying to convince me that I needed to go back to church. So now reading through these books I am sort of surprised by the Christian undertones in the books. These weren't anything I ever picked up as a child but are things I can definitely see now. And whether it's that coloring my impression of them or what I'm just not enjoying them as much. Funny how things that you don't notice as a child seems so different as an adult.
Another thought I had about books lately was related to a dream I had a few days ago. I had an absolutely fantastic dream (which I can't remember hardly at all now) but I remember waking up and thinking "wow if I could remember that later and write it all down it would make a great book!" Of course within minutes it was mostly gone. And who knows, maybe it would have been a horrible book. I don't usually have much desire to write books but I sure do love to read them.
I've also went back and re-read some of the books I read when I was younger to see if I really liked them that much. I remember buying some of them for my little sister. Stuff like "From The mixed up files of Mrs Basil E. Frankweiler" and "The Egypt Game" I hope someday to read some of those books to my children. Or at least have them read them.
Another set of books that I remember loving and reading several times was "The Chronicles of Narnia" I remember thinking my mom wouldn't like me reading them because of the magic aspect in the stories. Magic was considered bad and the work of the devil basically. Heck, once my mom figured out what the smurfs was all about I wasn't even allowed to watch that. A few years ago when the first movie came out I did rent that and watch it and remember thinking it wasn't nearly as good as the books. A couple weeks ago when I was wanting to re-read Harry Potter I decided instead to re-read the Narnia books. So I started yesterday and made it through the first book which actually isn't "The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe" but "The Magicians Nephew" or at least that's the order in my book. I remembered nothing of that story although I'm fairly certain I did read it. I've also now made it through "The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe" However I am finding that I'm really not liking these books as much as I did as a child. When I read them as a child they had the draw of being somewhat forbidden. And they were fantastic stories about magic. I had a friend who pointed out to me a few years back that C.S. Lewis was a Christian and that he had wrote a book about Christianity that she wanted me to read. Of course she was at that time still trying to convince me that I needed to go back to church. So now reading through these books I am sort of surprised by the Christian undertones in the books. These weren't anything I ever picked up as a child but are things I can definitely see now. And whether it's that coloring my impression of them or what I'm just not enjoying them as much. Funny how things that you don't notice as a child seems so different as an adult.
Another thought I had about books lately was related to a dream I had a few days ago. I had an absolutely fantastic dream (which I can't remember hardly at all now) but I remember waking up and thinking "wow if I could remember that later and write it all down it would make a great book!" Of course within minutes it was mostly gone. And who knows, maybe it would have been a horrible book. I don't usually have much desire to write books but I sure do love to read them.
Show And Tell
For Show and Tell today I'm showing my absolute favorite cheese!!! I had never heard of C0ugar G0ld cheese before I took my micro biology class back in 2002. Our teacher (who was an absolutely brilliant if a bit strange man) was talking to us about the beneficial uses of bacteria and brought in samples of this cheese for everyone. I loved it but it was a couple of years later before I actually bought any at the WSU bookstore. I have to admit that I don't really buy it very often because it's a pretty big amount of cheese that I have a hard time getting through the whole amount. A couple weeks ago though I was thinking about how good some would be so I had to get some. So here it is. My favorite yummy cheese. It's a while sharp cheddar that is oh so yummy!
To join in this weeks show and tell head on over to stirrup-queens and join the fun.
Oh and in other show and tell news. There are baby doves in my flower pot!! I suspected there were as I thought I had seen them but I actually just now saw momma feeding them when looking out the kitchen window. Unfortunately as soon as I stepped out with the camera she quit and I didn't get a pic but I will.
To join in this weeks show and tell head on over to stirrup-queens and join the fun.
Oh and in other show and tell news. There are baby doves in my flower pot!! I suspected there were as I thought I had seen them but I actually just now saw momma feeding them when looking out the kitchen window. Unfortunately as soon as I stepped out with the camera she quit and I didn't get a pic but I will.
Friday, March 20, 2009
What A Day
So today was the first part of my ACLS class. I had gotten the paper work in the mail like back in January with all the info on the class which I of course had misplaced or something since then. I figured I was going to a place I had been several times before for various classes. No biggie. Then Tuesday night at work I figured I better look at the schedule. I looked and oh wow. It's somewhere different, good thing I looked and all because the instructions say that class starts promptly at 8am and if you are late you will not be allowed in and you will lose your deposit of $50. So I head on over to the other place I've never been before bright and early this morning. I left super early since I hadn't been there. Get there, park, figure out I parked in the wrong spot. Go move car to acceptable spot. But yet no one's here yet. Hmm. That's odd. And the staff know nothing of class. Attempt to call education department, they of course don't open until 8am. I call my unit at the hospital, ask the person who answers the phone to look up the ACLS schedule and tell me where it's at. She does, tells me I'm in the right place etc. Finally it's 7:50 and no one is still here. I've done 2 more frantic calls to the education department leaving messages and I KNOW something isn't right. Finally security guy lets me use his computer. I pull up schedule again. There it is. The place I'm at. I page up a little and finally notice at the top of the page it says 2008. Umm yeah. It's 2009. Why the fuck do they have a calendar that is past still here and on top. Isn't that the type of thing you remove at the end of the year??? So I head on out to my car. Leave wrong place at 7:55 and drive like a bat out of hell to right place. Get there 15 minutes later, go to education department and ask if they will let me in. She doesn't know I have to go ask the instructor. I walk into class breathing heavy like I've run all the way there, gasping my story of how I ended up at the wrong hospital. Guy tells me I'm late, has me sign a form, tells me to take a deep breath and find a seat. Whew.. Class was fine. Helpful. I go back next thursday (to the right place) and finish the class and take the test. And hope like hell that I mostly never have to use these skills.
Oh and my morning also started off with a puddle on the floor. Not sure who peed there but I am sort of thinking it was the dog. I had gotten up at 2am to go potty and heard her do her all over body shake which is often her way of letting me know she wants to go out but sometimes it's just because. I wasn't doing the out part at 2am. So instead I cleaned up pee. And even though when it comes to pee in the wrong place Sara usually gets the blame (my cat) I am fairly certain she stayed in bed with me all night and that it wasn't in fact her. Besides, on the floor is not really her thing. She's more of a rug kind of kitty. Or dog bed. Which I will get a new one of tomorrow. And maybe stick in the closet so I can close the closet when the dog isn't inside so Sara won't be tempted.
Another odd thing I noticed was a missing bug. The other night the girlies (cats) had a big big bug. Some sort of beetle and no I'm fairly certain that it wasn't a roach. Even though I saw one in my garage a couple of months ago. Anyways, they were watching it and trying to play with it. I finally got it to crawl away from the wall enough so that I could squash it with a shoe. I'm getting way better. I didn't have to stand on the other side of the room and throw shoes at it!! However cleaning it up is sort of big on the gross factor and I was tired. So I didn't. Figured I would get the vacuum out on my day off and suck it up. So today... It's gone. And I know it was dead because I pretty well mangled it and saw there for a couple of days. So I'm pretty dang sure the stupid dog ate it. Cause since she started the seizure medications she's pretty certain that I'm starving her to death and she will now beg continuously for food (not just while I'm eating), randomly walks around the kitchen licking the floors and makes sure to lick clean her dog dish at breakfast and dinner. Yes, she will eat pretty much anything she can find. Oh goody. At least I don't have to clean up the stupid dead bug.
Oh and my morning also started off with a puddle on the floor. Not sure who peed there but I am sort of thinking it was the dog. I had gotten up at 2am to go potty and heard her do her all over body shake which is often her way of letting me know she wants to go out but sometimes it's just because. I wasn't doing the out part at 2am. So instead I cleaned up pee. And even though when it comes to pee in the wrong place Sara usually gets the blame (my cat) I am fairly certain she stayed in bed with me all night and that it wasn't in fact her. Besides, on the floor is not really her thing. She's more of a rug kind of kitty. Or dog bed. Which I will get a new one of tomorrow. And maybe stick in the closet so I can close the closet when the dog isn't inside so Sara won't be tempted.
Another odd thing I noticed was a missing bug. The other night the girlies (cats) had a big big bug. Some sort of beetle and no I'm fairly certain that it wasn't a roach. Even though I saw one in my garage a couple of months ago. Anyways, they were watching it and trying to play with it. I finally got it to crawl away from the wall enough so that I could squash it with a shoe. I'm getting way better. I didn't have to stand on the other side of the room and throw shoes at it!! However cleaning it up is sort of big on the gross factor and I was tired. So I didn't. Figured I would get the vacuum out on my day off and suck it up. So today... It's gone. And I know it was dead because I pretty well mangled it and saw there for a couple of days. So I'm pretty dang sure the stupid dog ate it. Cause since she started the seizure medications she's pretty certain that I'm starving her to death and she will now beg continuously for food (not just while I'm eating), randomly walks around the kitchen licking the floors and makes sure to lick clean her dog dish at breakfast and dinner. Yes, she will eat pretty much anything she can find. Oh goody. At least I don't have to clean up the stupid dead bug.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Hello
Yes, I'm still here. Doing pretty well for the most part. Last week's melancholy didn't last that long but since I was back to work the day after I wrote that and it's been a crazy busy week at work I just haven't gotten back to another post. I also feel like I just don't know what to talk about.
Work is work. I like my job, still not so sure about my coworkers. It's better though. Better since I decided that I really needed to stay out of the drama and avoid the whole gossip about this or that person. I try to just ignore it as much as possible. It's been a lot easier to do when it's busy.
Otherwise I feel like so much of my life is just in a holding pattern. I'm on hold with TTC until I can either manage the money to try again with donor eggs or come up with some donor embryos to try with. I have no idea how to really go about the whole donor embryo thing. I'm trying to get out and enjoy myself and the sites in California but also trying not to spend too much money. This week I have my ACLS class which hopefully I do well with. I suppose I should crack open the book soon. I just don't have a lot going on in my life. Hence the holding pattern. So I just am not blogging a lot. I am reading though. I do still check my reader daily and check in with how everyone is doing. Even if I'm not commenting a lot. I'm cheering you all on and hoping for the best for everyone.
Work is work. I like my job, still not so sure about my coworkers. It's better though. Better since I decided that I really needed to stay out of the drama and avoid the whole gossip about this or that person. I try to just ignore it as much as possible. It's been a lot easier to do when it's busy.
Otherwise I feel like so much of my life is just in a holding pattern. I'm on hold with TTC until I can either manage the money to try again with donor eggs or come up with some donor embryos to try with. I have no idea how to really go about the whole donor embryo thing. I'm trying to get out and enjoy myself and the sites in California but also trying not to spend too much money. This week I have my ACLS class which hopefully I do well with. I suppose I should crack open the book soon. I just don't have a lot going on in my life. Hence the holding pattern. So I just am not blogging a lot. I am reading though. I do still check my reader daily and check in with how everyone is doing. Even if I'm not commenting a lot. I'm cheering you all on and hoping for the best for everyone.
Monday, March 09, 2009
Monday Night Musings
So I just finished watching Nigh*ts in R0da*nthe. I had read the book years ago and remember that I liked it really well but didn't remember what it was about at all. The movie was good but has left me feeling melancholy. It's just stuff. I'm not looking for an answer, or a solution or anything along those lines. But I watch stuff like that about a love that deep (which while rare and still requires work, I do believe exists) and I find myself wondering what happened. How did I get here. What did I do wrong that I'm 38 and single and likely to stay that way. Funny thing is and I was just talking about this today to my friend Jan, for the most part, I'm content with my life. I'm fine with my own company on most occasions. It doesn't bother me a lot to go do stuff on my own and sometimes I think I enjoy it more than I would if I had someone else there with me. I know I've reached a point in my life where I'm old enough and opinionated enough that to enter into a serious relationship might be difficult as it would involve a lot of compromise and I like things in my life the way they are in a lot of situations. But I also at one time desperately wanted love and someone to share my life with. And sometimes that still pops up a bit and I'm left feeling a bit sad or even a bit cheated in the things that haven't turned out the way I had planned or hoped or wanted. Usually after watching certain movies, reading certain books or hearing about someone's fantastic husband from blog reading. And by tomorrow I will wake up and this feeling will likely be gone. My life will go back to being mostly ok. I'll try not to stress too much about the lack of easily accessed sperm that would allow me to continue trying even though I'm too broke to go to the doctor and try again. I will try not to think about how scared I am that this dream or goal or whatever it is will slip away from me too. That I won't find myself down the road somewhere at 45 or 50 wondering what the hell happened and how did I get here.
Sunday, March 08, 2009
Show And Tell
When Sadie was younger right after we first got her she used to collect shoes. It was so funny. Me and my boyfriend at the time would come home from work at the end of the day and she would be surrounded by one of each of all of our shoes. Sometimes as many as 5 shoes. The only thing I could figure is that they smelled like us and were comforting. As she got older she seemed to do this less often but once in a while she would have one of my shoes or something when I came home. So last week I came home and I couldn't find one of my slippers. Until I checked with Sadie.
Poor dog just hates being left behind for any reason.
To join in on the show and tell fun this week head on over to Stirrup-Queens.
Poor dog just hates being left behind for any reason. To join in on the show and tell fun this week head on over to Stirrup-Queens.
Thursday, March 05, 2009
Georgia On My Mind
So I will be the first to admit that I’m not a news junkie. As a matter of fact I rarely watch the news and don’t keep very up to date about current events. Yes I know I probably should but I don’t. Therefore I tend to stay out of many debates etc that I know not much about. Every once in a while though I come across something that intrigues me or scares the hell out of me and I start researching. I’m pretty good at researching things. So last night I read on Stirrup Queens about the new piece of legislation that is being considered in Georgia today, and I started researching. It’s worrisome. Very worrisome. Bill 169 otherwise known as the Ethical Treatment of Human Embryos Act. The bill was drafted by the Arizona Bio-ethics Defense fund and the Georgia Right to Life group asked Senator Hudgens to introduce the bill. Sen. Hudgens makes the argument that this was inspired by Nadya Suleman and how the care of the 14 children is now the responsibility of the state of California. He doesn’t want a similar situation to happen in Georgia. To some who hears just this part of the bill without really examining what all is included, this may seem like a good idea. Or a great idea. However once you look a bit closer at the whole thing you see that there is a lot more to it and a lot of scare tactics and half-truths being used to promote this. The bill refers to embryos as “a living in vitro embryo is a biological human being who is not the property of any person or entity”. Georgia Right to Life states that the bill is not about abortion but that they “want to see strong protections in place to stop the dangerous practice of implanting more embryos than is medically recommended and that this would help avoid premature births and low birth weight in in vitro fertilization.”
What they don’t say here is how often it’s the IVF cases that are premature or low birth weight and how often it’s non-IVF cases that are premature or low birth weight. There are many many more things out there that can lead to prematurity or low birth weight than IVF. Yes, high order multiples is one of those things but only one. They are not addressing many other know contributors to preterm birth or looking to research other causes of preterm birth. What many people are not going to see about this bill until it’s too late is that it’s not just trying to limit how many embryos are transferred. It’s trying also to limit how many are created. According to the bill the doctor will “limit the number of in vitro human embryos created in a single cycle to the number to be transferred in that cycle” of course also thrown in with that little bit is the line “In interest of reducing the risk of complications for both the mother and the transferred in vitro human embryos, including the risk of preterm birth associated with higher-order multiple gestations” Because if you limit the number of embryos created then of course everything else will be perfect? No, what about all of us who have had cycles that we started with 12 eggs but yet ended up with only 2-3 transferable embryos and yet still no take home baby. Of course also the state of Georgia doesn't mandate insurance coverage of IVF so it would be an out of pocket expense for couples pursuing IVF. They use statistics of how studies show that 80% of fertility clinics in the US do not use the ASRM guidelines on number of embryos to transfer. Yet what isn’t mentioned is how many HOM are the results of IVF. If they were truly looking to decrease risks associated with infertility treatments they would look at actual statistics of how many IVF cycles ended up being multiple births compared to how many cycles ended up being multiple births with other fertility meds. I did. Last night I spent a couple of hours going through the 2006 report on ART from the CDC. While I’ve never taken a statistics class and it’s a bit confusing with the charts for fresh and frozen cycles with donor and non-donor eggs I could understand the basic gist of it. One figure showed a multiple birth with fresh non donor eggs as being 25.1% and that is including twins. Basically the percentage of pregnancies that were triplets or more resulting from IVF was relatively very small. Look at many of the known cases of HOM and it’s seen that these cases were not the result of IVF but fertility medications with insemination or timed intercourse. No, this bill is not about preventing problems from IVF, it’s about a back door into legislation on right to life.
Another point in this law is that an embryo shall not be intentionally destroyed for any purpose. So PGD is pointless.
Doctors who do not follow this bill according to many of the articles I read would be subject to a $1000 fine. What also is not mentioned is that they can also be denied further licensing in Georgia to practice medicine.
One more piece of legislation that isn’t getting as much talk is the SB204/HB388 which is an embryo adoption bill which would allow parents to adopt human embryos. As Sen. Mills stated, “Under Georgia’s current laws, a woman could implant an embryo and carry it to term, only to have the biological parents reassert their parental rights when she goes into labor. That’s not fair, and it’s a risk that most people are unwilling to take. The Option of Adoption Act would fix that problem and protect a woman’s parental right should she choose to adopt and implant an embryo,” However when you look at the wording for bill 169 that the embryo is a living human and not property of anyone else and you factor in Sen. Mills who is stating that they need to deal with the 20,000 frozen embryos in the state of Georgia this could get really scary. Say you live in Georgia and have embryos frozen that you plan to use later. Then the state comes along and says you have to use them or lose them and they will be adopted out to someone else. Don’t think that’s possible? According to Georgia Insight a bill from 2008 that was introduced but tabled stated, “that unclaimed embryos will be appointed guardians and may be adopted for implantation.” These embryos can be claimed by egg and sperm donors and will be granted rights but what if those rights included the requirement to use them within X amount of time.
To me all of this is a very scary attempt to eventually stop IVF (and abortion) and not an attempt to provide safety to people or to protect the state of Georgia from another Octomom. And sorry this feels a bit (or a lot) like a research paper but I had so many strong reactions to these bills being decided today in Georgia.
What they don’t say here is how often it’s the IVF cases that are premature or low birth weight and how often it’s non-IVF cases that are premature or low birth weight. There are many many more things out there that can lead to prematurity or low birth weight than IVF. Yes, high order multiples is one of those things but only one. They are not addressing many other know contributors to preterm birth or looking to research other causes of preterm birth. What many people are not going to see about this bill until it’s too late is that it’s not just trying to limit how many embryos are transferred. It’s trying also to limit how many are created. According to the bill the doctor will “limit the number of in vitro human embryos created in a single cycle to the number to be transferred in that cycle” of course also thrown in with that little bit is the line “In interest of reducing the risk of complications for both the mother and the transferred in vitro human embryos, including the risk of preterm birth associated with higher-order multiple gestations” Because if you limit the number of embryos created then of course everything else will be perfect? No, what about all of us who have had cycles that we started with 12 eggs but yet ended up with only 2-3 transferable embryos and yet still no take home baby. Of course also the state of Georgia doesn't mandate insurance coverage of IVF so it would be an out of pocket expense for couples pursuing IVF. They use statistics of how studies show that 80% of fertility clinics in the US do not use the ASRM guidelines on number of embryos to transfer. Yet what isn’t mentioned is how many HOM are the results of IVF. If they were truly looking to decrease risks associated with infertility treatments they would look at actual statistics of how many IVF cycles ended up being multiple births compared to how many cycles ended up being multiple births with other fertility meds. I did. Last night I spent a couple of hours going through the 2006 report on ART from the CDC. While I’ve never taken a statistics class and it’s a bit confusing with the charts for fresh and frozen cycles with donor and non-donor eggs I could understand the basic gist of it. One figure showed a multiple birth with fresh non donor eggs as being 25.1% and that is including twins. Basically the percentage of pregnancies that were triplets or more resulting from IVF was relatively very small. Look at many of the known cases of HOM and it’s seen that these cases were not the result of IVF but fertility medications with insemination or timed intercourse. No, this bill is not about preventing problems from IVF, it’s about a back door into legislation on right to life.
Another point in this law is that an embryo shall not be intentionally destroyed for any purpose. So PGD is pointless.
Doctors who do not follow this bill according to many of the articles I read would be subject to a $1000 fine. What also is not mentioned is that they can also be denied further licensing in Georgia to practice medicine.
One more piece of legislation that isn’t getting as much talk is the SB204/HB388 which is an embryo adoption bill which would allow parents to adopt human embryos. As Sen. Mills stated, “Under Georgia’s current laws, a woman could implant an embryo and carry it to term, only to have the biological parents reassert their parental rights when she goes into labor. That’s not fair, and it’s a risk that most people are unwilling to take. The Option of Adoption Act would fix that problem and protect a woman’s parental right should she choose to adopt and implant an embryo,” However when you look at the wording for bill 169 that the embryo is a living human and not property of anyone else and you factor in Sen. Mills who is stating that they need to deal with the 20,000 frozen embryos in the state of Georgia this could get really scary. Say you live in Georgia and have embryos frozen that you plan to use later. Then the state comes along and says you have to use them or lose them and they will be adopted out to someone else. Don’t think that’s possible? According to Georgia Insight a bill from 2008 that was introduced but tabled stated, “that unclaimed embryos will be appointed guardians and may be adopted for implantation.” These embryos can be claimed by egg and sperm donors and will be granted rights but what if those rights included the requirement to use them within X amount of time.
To me all of this is a very scary attempt to eventually stop IVF (and abortion) and not an attempt to provide safety to people or to protect the state of Georgia from another Octomom. And sorry this feels a bit (or a lot) like a research paper but I had so many strong reactions to these bills being decided today in Georgia.
Sunday, March 01, 2009
Show And Tell
Whoohoo, I made it to class. Yeah, I've been a bit lax in posting for show and tell lately. This morning though I had a pic that I just couldn't resist sharing.
This morning as I had the back door open to let Sadie in, Sara decided it was an invitation for her to go out. Since she longs to be more of an outdoor kitty than an indoor one. When I went running out in my socks to catch her (not difficult since she usually gets just out the door and then stops as she doesn't know what to do first) I happened to look up and see this...
This cute little dove has decided the perfect place for her nest is apparently in the hanging flower pot on my patio. I don't know how long she has been there and my only complaint will be the resulting bird poo that will end up on my patio but she's so cute there. I walked right past her a couple of times and then walked fairly close up to the planter with my camera to get a pic of her and while she looked a bit alarmed she didn't move at all. I wonder how long before there are babies.
Want to see what the rest of the class is showing today and join in on the fun?? Head on over to Stirrup-Queens and join in!!
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Seeing Clearer
What a week this has been. I have just finished night 4 of 5 in a row. On these long stretches I get almost nothing done other than work. So no posting for several days. I work tonight (Sat) and then have Sun and Mon off and then work 2 and then have 5 off. Soooo looking forward to that having 5 off.
On these work days though I've started to see things so much clearer. When I had first started back here in short stay I liked pretty much everyone I worked with and got along with most everyone. Then when I went to my actual job, it seemed to get a lot more difficult. The personalities are really a lot harder to get along with. There is one nurse who it has been pointed out doesn't like me (for reasons I'm somewhat unclear on) by several other people. Not a biggie. She doesn't speak to me but oh well. Another nurse I find very intimidating in that I feel like I'm not sure what she expects of me. Luckily I don't work with her often either. Then there is the charge nurse I usually work with. This is the one who "helpfully" pointed out that I needed to try to lose weight a month or so ago. She has not made any further comments to me at all about my weight. However I hear on a fairly regular basis her talking about another person (usually a patient) and her description of them is "they're fat" in a fairly derogatory manner. Now to some extent I realize that I may have subconsciously indicated that this is ok since I will refer to myself as fat. Yes Bleu this is sort of something you have tried to tell me before in different manners but I realized that by referring to myself as such, it tells people it's ok to refer to others that way. The thing is though that while I may refer to myself that way I would never refer to anyone else that way. Which reminds me that I really need to stop referring to myself that way. Because it bothers me to hear it said about others. It makes me uncomfortable. It makes me feel like this person has a discrimination problem with people who are over weight. And basically it feels like discrimination and it feels like a hostile work environment. I'm still working on how to address this. I do find it very interesting though. I read in a line in a Jenn*ifer Wei*ner book that stated that size discrimination is the only socially acceptable form of discrimination left. Right now this feels true. And I feel a need to try to change this at least in little bits. Besides we all know that if this nurse heard me referring to someone as "They're just black (or God forbid the N word)" that I would very quickly be out of a job. This person does tend to be very opinionated on many other things as well and I'm also working on trying to just ignore much of it. Last night she was asking me and a coworker why we had gotten cats. Her point being that the only reason was because we were lonely and that was the only companionship we managed. She says all of this in a "jokey" manner but you usually know pretty much how she feels about the subject at hand. She also frequently talks about others who aren't there. Everything from "so and so is a racist" to what she dislikes about such and such other person. It's pretty much a constant ongoing thing which pretty much leaves me wondering (and I said something to that effect last night) what she says about me when I'm not around.
My goal for now is to work on being kinder to myself. And to work more on standing up for myself (something I SUCK at) and letting someone know in an adult manner when they say something that I find offensive.
On these work days though I've started to see things so much clearer. When I had first started back here in short stay I liked pretty much everyone I worked with and got along with most everyone. Then when I went to my actual job, it seemed to get a lot more difficult. The personalities are really a lot harder to get along with. There is one nurse who it has been pointed out doesn't like me (for reasons I'm somewhat unclear on) by several other people. Not a biggie. She doesn't speak to me but oh well. Another nurse I find very intimidating in that I feel like I'm not sure what she expects of me. Luckily I don't work with her often either. Then there is the charge nurse I usually work with. This is the one who "helpfully" pointed out that I needed to try to lose weight a month or so ago. She has not made any further comments to me at all about my weight. However I hear on a fairly regular basis her talking about another person (usually a patient) and her description of them is "they're fat" in a fairly derogatory manner. Now to some extent I realize that I may have subconsciously indicated that this is ok since I will refer to myself as fat. Yes Bleu this is sort of something you have tried to tell me before in different manners but I realized that by referring to myself as such, it tells people it's ok to refer to others that way. The thing is though that while I may refer to myself that way I would never refer to anyone else that way. Which reminds me that I really need to stop referring to myself that way. Because it bothers me to hear it said about others. It makes me uncomfortable. It makes me feel like this person has a discrimination problem with people who are over weight. And basically it feels like discrimination and it feels like a hostile work environment. I'm still working on how to address this. I do find it very interesting though. I read in a line in a Jenn*ifer Wei*ner book that stated that size discrimination is the only socially acceptable form of discrimination left. Right now this feels true. And I feel a need to try to change this at least in little bits. Besides we all know that if this nurse heard me referring to someone as "They're just black (or God forbid the N word)" that I would very quickly be out of a job. This person does tend to be very opinionated on many other things as well and I'm also working on trying to just ignore much of it. Last night she was asking me and a coworker why we had gotten cats. Her point being that the only reason was because we were lonely and that was the only companionship we managed. She says all of this in a "jokey" manner but you usually know pretty much how she feels about the subject at hand. She also frequently talks about others who aren't there. Everything from "so and so is a racist" to what she dislikes about such and such other person. It's pretty much a constant ongoing thing which pretty much leaves me wondering (and I said something to that effect last night) what she says about me when I'm not around.
My goal for now is to work on being kinder to myself. And to work more on standing up for myself (something I SUCK at) and letting someone know in an adult manner when they say something that I find offensive.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Finally Some Sunny Days
The end of my week last week finally brought some much needed sunny days. Of course Wednesday and part of Thursday I was asleep but Friday was nice too. I had planned to take a drive up to Y0semite to try to get a pic of some waterfalls that are really cool looking for about 2 weeks out of the year but I needed to see sun and sand more than I needed to see snow. So after sleeping in I got up, got all ready and headed for the beach for the day with Sadie. It was a clear sunny day for the most part and warm. It was a great day to be out in the sun but poor Sadie.
First we went for a walk on the beach and I was collecting sand dollars (I got a bunch!). Sadie at first was fairly alarmed by the water that chased her. Once she got used to that it was a bit better. I let her off her leash briefly but she doesn't always do very good meeting other dogs and she was starting to get aggressive with one so back on the leash she went. Walking along she kept drinking the water. I tried to get her to stop as I worried about it making her sick but she must have drank more than I realized. Once she threw up on the beach and then right as we were walking back up to the parking lot she had a big bout of diarrhea (yeah not even going to try to scoop that off the sand). Back at the car I got her a big bowl of water and she drank it all and the puked some more. So rather than get in the car I decided to walk around a bit more. There were a couple more bouts of diarrhea and a few more pukes. Sadie was definitely looking a little green. Meanwhile I couldn't go into any of the shops nor could I go to my favorite restaurant and grab something to eat since I had her with me. Finally it seemed that she was mostly puked out so I decided to head for home. She was pretty lethargic in the car and ended up puking twice more on the way home. Then when we got home she drank a TON of water since she was dehydrated from all the ocean water and spent the evening laying around. By Saturday she seemed fine again but her day Friday wasn't so great. Poor doggie. I never did get any pics. I hadn't taken my camera out while I was looking for shells as I didn't want to get it wet and then after that Sadie looked so miserable I didn't bother trying to get pics at the beach. I don't think it was her favorite place.
First we went for a walk on the beach and I was collecting sand dollars (I got a bunch!). Sadie at first was fairly alarmed by the water that chased her. Once she got used to that it was a bit better. I let her off her leash briefly but she doesn't always do very good meeting other dogs and she was starting to get aggressive with one so back on the leash she went. Walking along she kept drinking the water. I tried to get her to stop as I worried about it making her sick but she must have drank more than I realized. Once she threw up on the beach and then right as we were walking back up to the parking lot she had a big bout of diarrhea (yeah not even going to try to scoop that off the sand). Back at the car I got her a big bowl of water and she drank it all and the puked some more. So rather than get in the car I decided to walk around a bit more. There were a couple more bouts of diarrhea and a few more pukes. Sadie was definitely looking a little green. Meanwhile I couldn't go into any of the shops nor could I go to my favorite restaurant and grab something to eat since I had her with me. Finally it seemed that she was mostly puked out so I decided to head for home. She was pretty lethargic in the car and ended up puking twice more on the way home. Then when we got home she drank a TON of water since she was dehydrated from all the ocean water and spent the evening laying around. By Saturday she seemed fine again but her day Friday wasn't so great. Poor doggie. I never did get any pics. I hadn't taken my camera out while I was looking for shells as I didn't want to get it wet and then after that Sadie looked so miserable I didn't bother trying to get pics at the beach. I don't think it was her favorite place.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Memes
So I still have the 10 things about me that came from the honest scrap blog and I got tagged again by As the Pig Flies so here's the two memes.
First the 10 things from the honest scrap
1. I'm obsessive about matching my clothes. Especially my work clothes. They all match. My pants match my shirt, my socks match and my shoes match. And it has to be the right shade. I can't do pants that are a different shade of pink than whats on my shirt.
2. I love computer games and will play them to relax. Not the role playing type of games but like Solitaire types. And seek and find which I LOVE and can play for hours.
3. I'll read most any type of fiction. I will even read books I'm not enjoying because I can't stop. I keep thinking/hoping it will get better. I can only remember one book I didn't finish.
4. I hate onions, I can't even eat them to be polite. This does make eating out difficult. I also grew up on peanut butter since my parents put onions in everything. I've learned that I really like a lot more foods than I thought as long as I make them and therefore know there are no onions.
5. I pick at things. Tape on the desk or counter, I have to peal it off. Labels off bottles etc. I will even pick at myself as far as zits or something go. I'm convinced I will be one of those little old ladies who picks at themselves until they bleed.
6. I find being around water very calming. Any will work lakes, rivers etc. I however prefer the ocean and my dream for many years has been to live close to the ocean. I even once interviewed for a nanny position that was close to the ocean in Oregon.
7. I love craft things but have a bad habit of buying stuff and then not using it. I think I'm sort of ADD in that I frequently will start projects and not finish for a long time.
8. I'm a strange infertile. As much as I'm superstitious about many things, buying baby stuff isn't one of them. It truly doesn't bother me to buy baby stuff and it's even a bit hard to stop. I've made myself stop buying clothes for obvious reasons but will still buy books and have almost all of the pieces of the nursery stuff from store that used to be in Oregon that I loved.
9. I think I'm out of random things.
10. Oh, I just recently finally started using a reader for blogs and it's great because I can read more blogs now but I keep forgetting about those password protected folks. Sorry.
Ok and the next one from As the Pig Flies which is in my blog links at the bottom of my side bar.
Step 1: respond and rework -- answer the questions on your own blog, replace one question that you dislike with a question of your own invention, add one more question of your own.
Step 2: tag - eight(I changed this to four!) other un-tagged people. Yeah, I'm cheating and not tagging anyone and not adding another question but anyone who wants to play along certainly as always can.
1) What do you do for a living? I'm a registered nurse. I'm currently working in a preop holding position where I get patients ready for surgery on the night shift, often patients who are in the ER.
2) What is your biggest fear? Spiders. Totally stupidly afraid of them (or most any other bug) and can't deal with them even if they are dead. yup I know this is totally unreasonable.
3) Do you nap a lot? No, I'm bad at napping. I have to be almost dead tired or sick to be able to nap. It usually takes me about an hour to fall asleep after I get into bed.
4) Who is the last person you hugged? Sad but it was my friend Jan almost a month ago. Long time in between hugs.
5) What websites do you visit when you go online? Gmail and my google reader, my blog, and craigslist, ebay.
6) What was the last item you bought? Other than groceries? Hmm. I just bought another piece of the daisy kingdom nursery stuff I've been finding on ebay.
7) You are on the Oregon Trail, how are things going? Probably pretty bad, why the hell would I be there?
8) If you woke up tomorrow and were a boy, what is the first thing you would do and why? Really?? What a question. Of course there's sex but what else. Maybe going car shopping and being taken seriously.
9) Has a celebrity's hair cut ever influenced your own hairstyle? Oh yes, years ago I had to have a Dorothy Hammil haircut. It was the worst disaster ever!!!
10) What is your most embarrassing moment? I don't know. Not that I haven't done stupid things before because I certainly have but not really any that are so memorable that I'd qualify them as my most embarrassing moment. I guess I could say when my wrap around skirt fell off but that was when I was 8.
11) What was the last movie you watched? I just finished watching Zack and Miri make a porno. Not nearly as funny as I had thought/hoped. I would love to find one those movies that I laugh so hard through the movie that my stomach hurts. I can only think of 3 that I have ever seen that were so funny I laughed the whole time.
12) If you had a whole day to yourself with no work, commitments, or interruptions what would you do? Yeah, I really have more of these than I need. Not really much of a treat for me.
13) Do you believe in Heaven, and if so, what do you want to hear God say when you arrive? I don't know. I don't even know for sure if I believe in God.
First the 10 things from the honest scrap
1. I'm obsessive about matching my clothes. Especially my work clothes. They all match. My pants match my shirt, my socks match and my shoes match. And it has to be the right shade. I can't do pants that are a different shade of pink than whats on my shirt.
2. I love computer games and will play them to relax. Not the role playing type of games but like Solitaire types. And seek and find which I LOVE and can play for hours.
3. I'll read most any type of fiction. I will even read books I'm not enjoying because I can't stop. I keep thinking/hoping it will get better. I can only remember one book I didn't finish.
4. I hate onions, I can't even eat them to be polite. This does make eating out difficult. I also grew up on peanut butter since my parents put onions in everything. I've learned that I really like a lot more foods than I thought as long as I make them and therefore know there are no onions.
5. I pick at things. Tape on the desk or counter, I have to peal it off. Labels off bottles etc. I will even pick at myself as far as zits or something go. I'm convinced I will be one of those little old ladies who picks at themselves until they bleed.
6. I find being around water very calming. Any will work lakes, rivers etc. I however prefer the ocean and my dream for many years has been to live close to the ocean. I even once interviewed for a nanny position that was close to the ocean in Oregon.
7. I love craft things but have a bad habit of buying stuff and then not using it. I think I'm sort of ADD in that I frequently will start projects and not finish for a long time.
8. I'm a strange infertile. As much as I'm superstitious about many things, buying baby stuff isn't one of them. It truly doesn't bother me to buy baby stuff and it's even a bit hard to stop. I've made myself stop buying clothes for obvious reasons but will still buy books and have almost all of the pieces of the nursery stuff from store that used to be in Oregon that I loved.
9. I think I'm out of random things.
10. Oh, I just recently finally started using a reader for blogs and it's great because I can read more blogs now but I keep forgetting about those password protected folks. Sorry.
Ok and the next one from As the Pig Flies which is in my blog links at the bottom of my side bar.
Step 1: respond and rework -- answer the questions on your own blog, replace one question that you dislike with a question of your own invention, add one more question of your own.
Step 2: tag - eight(I changed this to four!) other un-tagged people. Yeah, I'm cheating and not tagging anyone and not adding another question but anyone who wants to play along certainly as always can.
1) What do you do for a living? I'm a registered nurse. I'm currently working in a preop holding position where I get patients ready for surgery on the night shift, often patients who are in the ER.
2) What is your biggest fear? Spiders. Totally stupidly afraid of them (or most any other bug) and can't deal with them even if they are dead. yup I know this is totally unreasonable.
3) Do you nap a lot? No, I'm bad at napping. I have to be almost dead tired or sick to be able to nap. It usually takes me about an hour to fall asleep after I get into bed.
4) Who is the last person you hugged? Sad but it was my friend Jan almost a month ago. Long time in between hugs.
5) What websites do you visit when you go online? Gmail and my google reader, my blog, and craigslist, ebay.
6) What was the last item you bought? Other than groceries? Hmm. I just bought another piece of the daisy kingdom nursery stuff I've been finding on ebay.
7) You are on the Oregon Trail, how are things going? Probably pretty bad, why the hell would I be there?
8) If you woke up tomorrow and were a boy, what is the first thing you would do and why? Really?? What a question. Of course there's sex but what else. Maybe going car shopping and being taken seriously.
9) Has a celebrity's hair cut ever influenced your own hairstyle? Oh yes, years ago I had to have a Dorothy Hammil haircut. It was the worst disaster ever!!!
10) What is your most embarrassing moment? I don't know. Not that I haven't done stupid things before because I certainly have but not really any that are so memorable that I'd qualify them as my most embarrassing moment. I guess I could say when my wrap around skirt fell off but that was when I was 8.
11) What was the last movie you watched? I just finished watching Zack and Miri make a porno. Not nearly as funny as I had thought/hoped. I would love to find one those movies that I laugh so hard through the movie that my stomach hurts. I can only think of 3 that I have ever seen that were so funny I laughed the whole time.
12) If you had a whole day to yourself with no work, commitments, or interruptions what would you do? Yeah, I really have more of these than I need. Not really much of a treat for me.
13) Do you believe in Heaven, and if so, what do you want to hear God say when you arrive? I don't know. I don't even know for sure if I believe in God.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Comic Routine
I'm sure that anyone watching me this morning would have gotten a good laugh at my antics. I was out bright and early scooping poop as the mowers were supposed to be here today. Lets just say that scooping after it's been raining for several days sucks and trying to find it all in grass that is 6 inches high even sucks more.
There are two dogs that are in the yard behind mine and they bark at me when I'm outside so I talk to them. Usually calms them down. So this morning I'm talking to them as usual. I've tried to pet them through small little holes in the fence before. They are both pit bull puppies. One is bigger than the other but they both seem to be pretty young. Well, this morning they found loose boards in the fence. And here comes one of them. Oh goody. So after jumping all over me and getting me all muddy I managed to get him back through the fence and put a potted cactus in front of the board. Went in a went to bed. Then I hear barking about an hour later. Really close to my window barking. I look out and sure enough, it's the other one. So I go out and try to get him back through the fence, unsuccessfully. So I head over to the next block over to tell the owners to get their dog and to hopefully fix the fence as the boards are nailed up from their side. I'm hoping someone is home. Oh yes, someone is!! And she speaks absolutely NO ENGLISH!!!! So I'm trying to tell her via sign language or something that their dog is in my yard. No go. I go back to my house and now both dogs are in my yard. I try to get them back through the fence and the whole board falls off. I finally give up and go inside trying to figure out if there is an animal control I can call. Later I hear her outside and she was finally fixing the board since she finally figured out what I was saying. The dogs are back in their own yard. They were so cute and seemed so starved for attention but seriously, I don't need more dogs in my yard.
Oh and other good news. I got a call from my doctors office today. Some of my labs came back as off and he is referring me to a rheumatologist. I've been seeing the same doctor at home for 8 years and complaining of chronic pain the entire time. He never once referred me anywhere. One visit with new doc and I finally have a referral. I am finally starting to feel like someone is listening and taking me seriously.
There are two dogs that are in the yard behind mine and they bark at me when I'm outside so I talk to them. Usually calms them down. So this morning I'm talking to them as usual. I've tried to pet them through small little holes in the fence before. They are both pit bull puppies. One is bigger than the other but they both seem to be pretty young. Well, this morning they found loose boards in the fence. And here comes one of them. Oh goody. So after jumping all over me and getting me all muddy I managed to get him back through the fence and put a potted cactus in front of the board. Went in a went to bed. Then I hear barking about an hour later. Really close to my window barking. I look out and sure enough, it's the other one. So I go out and try to get him back through the fence, unsuccessfully. So I head over to the next block over to tell the owners to get their dog and to hopefully fix the fence as the boards are nailed up from their side. I'm hoping someone is home. Oh yes, someone is!! And she speaks absolutely NO ENGLISH!!!! So I'm trying to tell her via sign language or something that their dog is in my yard. No go. I go back to my house and now both dogs are in my yard. I try to get them back through the fence and the whole board falls off. I finally give up and go inside trying to figure out if there is an animal control I can call. Later I hear her outside and she was finally fixing the board since she finally figured out what I was saying. The dogs are back in their own yard. They were so cute and seemed so starved for attention but seriously, I don't need more dogs in my yard.
Oh and other good news. I got a call from my doctors office today. Some of my labs came back as off and he is referring me to a rheumatologist. I've been seeing the same doctor at home for 8 years and complaining of chronic pain the entire time. He never once referred me anywhere. One visit with new doc and I finally have a referral. I am finally starting to feel like someone is listening and taking me seriously.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Careful Your Ignorance Is Showing
So all the stories about octomom and the misleading information are making me nuts. I know that the general public often don't know the in's and out's of fertility treatment but all the misleading information or quotes flying around are maddening. If the media would at least use the right terms which they can research easily enough, maybe there wouldn't be so many people who thought IVF was a sure thing and that everyone doing it was bound to end up with at least one if not two take home babies.
Tonights comment on Extra (CBS) finally did it. The parting line was "...there's always IVF and we can see how well that works." Oh please!!! Just because it worked for this person does NOT mean it works that well for everyone! I'm tired of this case giving responsible infertiles a bad name. We are not all out to have octuplets (or septuplets, sextuplets, quintuplets or even quadruplets or triplets), IVF is not a sure thing, and it's transfer not implant.
I actually saw a comment from the New York Times in response to someones request to use appropriate terms. Stephanie Saul said: 12, 2009 2:52 pm
"We had an internal discussion about whether to use the term "implant" or "transfer." We decided to use the word "implant" because, to the average reader who is not well-schooled in the terminology surrounding in-vitro fertilization, it is an accurate description of what happens. The average person does not really understand what "transfer" means in this context. " I'm sorry, because every embryo does not "implant" this is NOT an accurate description of what happens. It's an inaccurate, and misleading term. And they are knowingly continuing to use it!!
I saw an article (sorry I can't remember who printed it) that said the clinic should have know that octomom's embryos could possibly split since they had done so before resulting in her twins. Hello, her twins are boy/girl twins. That is the result of 2 different embryos, not an embryo splitting.
Why don't these people research this crap before they say it!! Maybe because it's just not sensational enough.
Tonights comment on Extra (CBS) finally did it. The parting line was "...there's always IVF and we can see how well that works." Oh please!!! Just because it worked for this person does NOT mean it works that well for everyone! I'm tired of this case giving responsible infertiles a bad name. We are not all out to have octuplets (or septuplets, sextuplets, quintuplets or even quadruplets or triplets), IVF is not a sure thing, and it's transfer not implant.
I actually saw a comment from the New York Times in response to someones request to use appropriate terms. Stephanie Saul said: 12, 2009 2:52 pm
"We had an internal discussion about whether to use the term "implant" or "transfer." We decided to use the word "implant" because, to the average reader who is not well-schooled in the terminology surrounding in-vitro fertilization, it is an accurate description of what happens. The average person does not really understand what "transfer" means in this context. " I'm sorry, because every embryo does not "implant" this is NOT an accurate description of what happens. It's an inaccurate, and misleading term. And they are knowingly continuing to use it!!
I saw an article (sorry I can't remember who printed it) that said the clinic should have know that octomom's embryos could possibly split since they had done so before resulting in her twins. Hello, her twins are boy/girl twins. That is the result of 2 different embryos, not an embryo splitting.
Why don't these people research this crap before they say it!! Maybe because it's just not sensational enough.
Winter Blahs
So far for the last month almost every day that I have been off work has been rainy. It has often been nice and sunny and warm on the days I work but no, the days I'm off it rains. I know it's winter and it's to be expected but I'm still getting sick of it.
Sadie is doing fine and would eat me out of house and home if I'd let her. Every time I walk to the kitchen she seems to think she needs to eat and she has started begging for food even when I'm not eating. I'll have to be careful with that since I don't want her to get any fatter.
It was actually a fairly busy week at work last week. I so really do not like working the 5 days in a row. I got a chance to talk to my nurse manager last week and discuss exactly what my job expectations are. Basically am I expected to learn critical care. The answer is no. Should I want to in the future it will be fine but no, I'm not expected to. That was a relief and has helped me in just relaxing and doing my job and helping out where I can with everything else.
I'm trying (and mostly failing) to not stress about finances. It just feels overwhelming having a house payment and a rent payment with no end in site. Plus the fear of needing to spend money on the house. I'm still trying to get the snow damage fixed on my house at home and am having a hard time with it. I have no idea how to go about finding a contractor that I can trust. The last time I hired someone he did an ok job but not a great job for the money I paid him. To me it seemed he left a lot undone. The insurance company doesn't seem to have any referrals for me, they say that the contractors that they sometimes recommend are all busy. Any ideas where to find someone?? Do you just look in the phone book under contractors??? Doesn't help that I'm so freaking far away and can't check on the progress of the work etc. Also that I don't necessarily trust my renter to take care of keeping track of progress for me. I just wish I knew what to do about it. Or that I didn't have to do anything about it.
I started a facebook profile several months back since everyone was talking about how great facebook was. It took me about a week to figure out that it didn't really interest me that much. All the green patch and ocean thingys were annoying. Most of the people from my past that I would like to be in contact with I am. The people that I currently keep in contact with I mostly keep in contact with via my blog. Last week however my cousin found me on facebook. Now she's sending me messages that I am the only one who doesn't have a profile picture, sending me memes, telling me to post pictures etc. This is someone who growing up I was very close, as an adult I was moderately close to although it was always specifically on her terms only which on at least several occasions left me feeling very hurt. 7 years ago we had a falling out of sorts which started with a disagreement about money but also ended up being about a lot of other things. For me at least. I've had several times in the past couple of years that I've felt like she is reaching out and trying to restart our relationship which is now cordial but neither of us really go out of our way. However I'm always left feeling like I just don't know what she wants or expects from me and it frustrates me so I hold back. She got very upset with me that I hadn't made an effort to come see her new baby back in 2007 but yet she was frequently in the town where I lived and hadn't made an effort to stop and see me with her new baby. There have been quite a few other episodes where I just don't get what she wants or it's very obvious that she wants things still only on her terms so I'm a bit skeptical on the whole reuniting thing. Plus I'm a bit worried that by looking at some of my "friends" on facebook she might find a way back to my blog. Which I'd rather she not be reading.
Well that's really about all that's going on in my boring life.
Sadie is doing fine and would eat me out of house and home if I'd let her. Every time I walk to the kitchen she seems to think she needs to eat and she has started begging for food even when I'm not eating. I'll have to be careful with that since I don't want her to get any fatter.
It was actually a fairly busy week at work last week. I so really do not like working the 5 days in a row. I got a chance to talk to my nurse manager last week and discuss exactly what my job expectations are. Basically am I expected to learn critical care. The answer is no. Should I want to in the future it will be fine but no, I'm not expected to. That was a relief and has helped me in just relaxing and doing my job and helping out where I can with everything else.
I'm trying (and mostly failing) to not stress about finances. It just feels overwhelming having a house payment and a rent payment with no end in site. Plus the fear of needing to spend money on the house. I'm still trying to get the snow damage fixed on my house at home and am having a hard time with it. I have no idea how to go about finding a contractor that I can trust. The last time I hired someone he did an ok job but not a great job for the money I paid him. To me it seemed he left a lot undone. The insurance company doesn't seem to have any referrals for me, they say that the contractors that they sometimes recommend are all busy. Any ideas where to find someone?? Do you just look in the phone book under contractors??? Doesn't help that I'm so freaking far away and can't check on the progress of the work etc. Also that I don't necessarily trust my renter to take care of keeping track of progress for me. I just wish I knew what to do about it. Or that I didn't have to do anything about it.
I started a facebook profile several months back since everyone was talking about how great facebook was. It took me about a week to figure out that it didn't really interest me that much. All the green patch and ocean thingys were annoying. Most of the people from my past that I would like to be in contact with I am. The people that I currently keep in contact with I mostly keep in contact with via my blog. Last week however my cousin found me on facebook. Now she's sending me messages that I am the only one who doesn't have a profile picture, sending me memes, telling me to post pictures etc. This is someone who growing up I was very close, as an adult I was moderately close to although it was always specifically on her terms only which on at least several occasions left me feeling very hurt. 7 years ago we had a falling out of sorts which started with a disagreement about money but also ended up being about a lot of other things. For me at least. I've had several times in the past couple of years that I've felt like she is reaching out and trying to restart our relationship which is now cordial but neither of us really go out of our way. However I'm always left feeling like I just don't know what she wants or expects from me and it frustrates me so I hold back. She got very upset with me that I hadn't made an effort to come see her new baby back in 2007 but yet she was frequently in the town where I lived and hadn't made an effort to stop and see me with her new baby. There have been quite a few other episodes where I just don't get what she wants or it's very obvious that she wants things still only on her terms so I'm a bit skeptical on the whole reuniting thing. Plus I'm a bit worried that by looking at some of my "friends" on facebook she might find a way back to my blog. Which I'd rather she not be reading.
Well that's really about all that's going on in my boring life.
Friday, February 13, 2009
What Day Is Today
This morning as I was getting into bed I realized that I previously had no idea what day it was. At that point I did realize it was Friday as I heard the garbage truck driving down the street. Anyone guess what that means?? Yup, I forgot to put my garbage out. Oh well. That is one of the really sucky things about night shift, especially when you work several in a row. I lose track of days so bad. I had 2 patients last night that I had taken care of apparently the day before but it seemed like it had been 2 days before. All the days run together.
Sadie still seems to be doing well. No seizures and she is doing less of the walk like her ass is drunk then before. The only thing that I've noticed is that it seems like she wants to eat even more than usual. She follows every step I take in the kitchen hoping for the dropped morsel. Inhales her food in about 2 minutes and basically constantly begs. Otherwise she seems to be doing fine.
Sadie still seems to be doing well. No seizures and she is doing less of the walk like her ass is drunk then before. The only thing that I've noticed is that it seems like she wants to eat even more than usual. She follows every step I take in the kitchen hoping for the dropped morsel. Inhales her food in about 2 minutes and basically constantly begs. Otherwise she seems to be doing fine.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Honest Scrap
Thanks to Mrs. Lala over at Crowded Uterus for the mention. 
1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.
2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with “Honest Scrap.” Well, there’s no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.
3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.
2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with “Honest Scrap.” Well, there’s no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.
3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.
7 Blogs I love to read (and it's so hard to pick 7 since I have so many that I love to read especially since I am finally using a reader and can read so many more blogs now!)
Ok so the 10 things, yeah, I'm too tired. Must go to bed as I have to get up this afternoon and go back to work. Maybe I'll add to this later with the 10 things. Although I ran out of unusual things about myself several memes ago and really don't love memes.
Hope all are having a good week!!
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
2009 Book Challenge
So I saw this on Kristen's blog to keep a list of books you read, set a goal etc. I thought it sounded like fun so here I am playing along.
It can be any type of books you want, with the goal being to keep reading. Mine will likely be fictional books as I read for pleasure and a bit to escape the day to day stuff. I'll keep track of which books I've read which I've already actually been doing. I'll post the ones I've read so far here and create a link or something on the sidebar. I'm setting a goal of 70 books since I know I read like 60 some last year (I kept track last year for most of the year).
You can join in too. I left a comment on Kristens blog and then am putting this post up. You can set the challenge at whatever total you want. If you put up a post like this and add your link in the comments section of this post, I will enter everyone who reaches their goal in a drawing at the end of this year.
So here's my books for this year so far:
It can be any type of books you want, with the goal being to keep reading. Mine will likely be fictional books as I read for pleasure and a bit to escape the day to day stuff. I'll keep track of which books I've read which I've already actually been doing. I'll post the ones I've read so far here and create a link or something on the sidebar. I'm setting a goal of 70 books since I know I read like 60 some last year (I kept track last year for most of the year).
You can join in too. I left a comment on Kristens blog and then am putting this post up. You can set the challenge at whatever total you want. If you put up a post like this and add your link in the comments section of this post, I will enter everyone who reaches their goal in a drawing at the end of this year.
So here's my books for this year so far:
1. Live A Little by Kim Green
2. Somebody Else's Daughter by Elizabeth Brundage
3. Paging Aphrodite by Kim Green
4. The Best Day of Someone Else's Life by Kerry Reichs
5. Eye's of Darkness by Dean Koontz
6. Pack Up The Moon by Anna McPartlan
7. Married in Seattle by Debbie Macomber
8. Knit Two by Kate Jacobs
Monday, February 09, 2009
All Is Well, Mostly
Sadie seems to be doing pretty good. I still notice her walking a little bit funny but not as much and mostly she is doing good. No further seizures or anything like that which is a huge relief. Also I had heard all the jokes about how much easier it is to give meds to a dog than a cat. I hadn't thought too much of it since I medicate my cats daily and it's usually not too difficult. Even with it not being that difficult to medicate the cats? Still waaaaaay easier to medicate the dog. I wrap her 1 1/2 pill up in one of those thin slices of meat and give it to her and she chows it right down. I wish it were that easy with the cats. Funny how the entire house has one sort of medication or another.
I'm starting to do a little better too. I saw the doctor on Friday and I have my pr0zac back and have changed to a once a day BP med that I can't take while TTC or pregnant but since I'm not going to be for a while, I may as well have the ease of once a day dosing. I'm also on an extended release pain medication for the fibro. It's helping some. I don't notice my hands hurting like they were, my feet etc seem better too although I'll wait until I'm back to work to see for sure on that. However my neck is still killing me. I do think though that I may have possibly pulled a muscle or two in my neck on Thursday trying to lift Sadie into the car. That could be why my neck is bothering me so much. My muscles are so tight I can't hardly stand it. So minimal time spent at the computer means I'm not commenting as much. My neck and arms get too tired. Otherwise all seems to be moving along. I've been trying to get my taxes done. I spent a huge amount on trying to get knocked up last year. It's kind of sad to look at that number all at once. More so than paying it out bit by bit anyways.
I'm starting to do a little better too. I saw the doctor on Friday and I have my pr0zac back and have changed to a once a day BP med that I can't take while TTC or pregnant but since I'm not going to be for a while, I may as well have the ease of once a day dosing. I'm also on an extended release pain medication for the fibro. It's helping some. I don't notice my hands hurting like they were, my feet etc seem better too although I'll wait until I'm back to work to see for sure on that. However my neck is still killing me. I do think though that I may have possibly pulled a muscle or two in my neck on Thursday trying to lift Sadie into the car. That could be why my neck is bothering me so much. My muscles are so tight I can't hardly stand it. So minimal time spent at the computer means I'm not commenting as much. My neck and arms get too tired. Otherwise all seems to be moving along. I've been trying to get my taxes done. I spent a huge amount on trying to get knocked up last year. It's kind of sad to look at that number all at once. More so than paying it out bit by bit anyways.
Sunday, February 08, 2009
Show And Tell
This week for show and tell I wanted to show off the great bumper magnet I got from Infertility Warrior a couple weeks ago. It's very cool.
Go check out what everyone else is showing at Stirrup Queens.
Friday, February 06, 2009
Sadie's Home
Sadie is back home and doing good so far. The vet said that she did really well with the meds, so much so that they were feeding her much sooner than expected and gave her the last dose of medication orally instead of by injection. They remarked on how active she is. Yes I know, if we could go for a walk 18 hours a day she'd be happy. It's good to have her home and to see her doing ok. She's a bit wobbly from the meds but really not very much. I have to follow up with a vet clinic in 2 weeks so now I have to find a vet clinic. I've got several names which is good.
Thank you so much everyone for all your well wishes and kind words. I appreciate it so very much.
Now to get me off to the doctor.
Thank you so much everyone for all your well wishes and kind words. I appreciate it so very much.
Now to get me off to the doctor.
Thursday, February 05, 2009
Because I Simply Do Not Already Have Enough Freaking Drama In My Life
Yes. There's more.
I came home from work this morning and let Sadie into the house. She was sort of doing her little stumble walk thing that usually precedes a seizure. So hurry hurry get her back out in the yard, not freaked out really as I've done this quite a bit before and it's just a matter of sitting with her and waiting for it to pass. I don't know what time this was but I'm guessing it was around 8:15 based on when I left the hospital. So we go out in the back yard and she of course starts having a seizure. They aren't really grand mal seizures but instead a sort of all over tremor and really bad muscle tension. They have always been fairly long in duration but in the past before I left to travel nurse they were only happening once every 3-4 months. Not worth medicating. So this last 10 minutes or so and then she's walking around sort of ok. Walking normal except she's walking in circles and no puke yet. All of her seizures are followed by puke. A few minutes later it starts up again. Goes on for a while and then stops. Still no puke and back to walking around the yard in circles. Then it starts again. This time there's puke, and poop, and pee. And it keeps going. And going. And going. Like the fucking energizer bunny. Finally I go in the house to check the clock and it's 9am. So off and on for around 45 minutes. And as much as I don't love the idea of putting her in my car and having her poop, pee or puke there if I must I will. Also I keep thinking it will stop any minute. Finally I look up the emergency vet since most clinics will not take new patients on a walk in basis and this is an emergency. I have to lift her into the car since she can't jump there, still sort of stumble walking and the tremors. I head off to the emergency vet where I took Sara almost 2 years ago when she decided to take a flying leap off the balcony. I walk in the door carrying my (really freaking heavy) dog and say "she's having a seizure, it's been going on for quite a while, she has a history of this but isn't on medication." The tech takes her from me over the counter and tells me she is going back to start an IV and is it ok to give her anti seizure meds. Yup. That's why we're here. I go back out and close the door on my car, then back in to handle the paperwork. I'm rather annoyed by the fact that they have my dog in the back and I can't see her. I know they are working on her but still. Finally they show me into a room and tell me the vet will be into see me. I can hear Sadie whining and it's making me crazy. The vet comes in and she's great. Asks questions, listens to my response, tells me her thoughts, what she would really like to do, what's really important to do now etc. She takes me back to see Sadie and while she's pretty wobbly with the Valium and other med to relax her on board, she looks better. Sadie is now going to be on seizure meds. I've avoided it so far as it's a twice a day med and I can't remember to take my own damn meds twice a day. It is however no longer an option. I understand this and am ok with it. The vet wants to keep her over night to get loading doses in to get her to a therapeutic level quicker. She says someone will be in with an estimate soon. Here comes a tech. The first estimate? Are you ready?? $1700!!! My response is "that's not happening." Second estimate is $1000 to which I also respond "still not happening." She goes back to the doctor to talk about this further. I don't know what all was on the estimates as I couldn't get past the damn numbers but I know it was diagnostic stuff. Basically is there cancer etc causing this. I understand the reasoning for this but she has been having seizures for like 6 years and while they have gotten more frequent at least in the last 2 months, I'm not all ready to spend 2K trying to diagnose the problem. Finally she comes back with an estimate of $400 if I take her home today and the possibility of increased seizures in the next week since they can't give her large doses to get her to the right level or $531 to leave her there over night and have them IV dose her several times. I'm panicking some over the cost but you have to do what you have to do. hell I need to diet anyways. So I go out to the desk to pay the $531 and the tech hands me a form saying "we don't think there will be a problem but just in case we need you to fill out this code or DNR form" So basically I have to decide whether to make my dog a full code or a DNR. And I stood there sobbing over this fucking form asking me to decide (even if it doesn't happen) whether or not to let my dog die should it happen or to spend several more hundred dollars and mostly likely have her die anyways. After making the tech cry too and finally getting the form filled out I asked if I could go back and see Sadie again before leaving her. I talked to the vet a bit more and she said she'd call me before she goes home for the night and that the night vet would call me later in the evening. And it sucked so damn bad leaving her there. Yes I do feel like she's in good hands and I'm not really thinking "she's going to die" but it still sucks. And the money at a time when I really can't afford to be spending it sucks.
Oh and last night I got a letter from the State of California stating that they think I owe them back taxes. Because you know their broke and all and trying to dig up money any way they can.
The hits just keep coming. Leaves me wondering what can go wrong next.
I came home from work this morning and let Sadie into the house. She was sort of doing her little stumble walk thing that usually precedes a seizure. So hurry hurry get her back out in the yard, not freaked out really as I've done this quite a bit before and it's just a matter of sitting with her and waiting for it to pass. I don't know what time this was but I'm guessing it was around 8:15 based on when I left the hospital. So we go out in the back yard and she of course starts having a seizure. They aren't really grand mal seizures but instead a sort of all over tremor and really bad muscle tension. They have always been fairly long in duration but in the past before I left to travel nurse they were only happening once every 3-4 months. Not worth medicating. So this last 10 minutes or so and then she's walking around sort of ok. Walking normal except she's walking in circles and no puke yet. All of her seizures are followed by puke. A few minutes later it starts up again. Goes on for a while and then stops. Still no puke and back to walking around the yard in circles. Then it starts again. This time there's puke, and poop, and pee. And it keeps going. And going. And going. Like the fucking energizer bunny. Finally I go in the house to check the clock and it's 9am. So off and on for around 45 minutes. And as much as I don't love the idea of putting her in my car and having her poop, pee or puke there if I must I will. Also I keep thinking it will stop any minute. Finally I look up the emergency vet since most clinics will not take new patients on a walk in basis and this is an emergency. I have to lift her into the car since she can't jump there, still sort of stumble walking and the tremors. I head off to the emergency vet where I took Sara almost 2 years ago when she decided to take a flying leap off the balcony. I walk in the door carrying my (really freaking heavy) dog and say "she's having a seizure, it's been going on for quite a while, she has a history of this but isn't on medication." The tech takes her from me over the counter and tells me she is going back to start an IV and is it ok to give her anti seizure meds. Yup. That's why we're here. I go back out and close the door on my car, then back in to handle the paperwork. I'm rather annoyed by the fact that they have my dog in the back and I can't see her. I know they are working on her but still. Finally they show me into a room and tell me the vet will be into see me. I can hear Sadie whining and it's making me crazy. The vet comes in and she's great. Asks questions, listens to my response, tells me her thoughts, what she would really like to do, what's really important to do now etc. She takes me back to see Sadie and while she's pretty wobbly with the Valium and other med to relax her on board, she looks better. Sadie is now going to be on seizure meds. I've avoided it so far as it's a twice a day med and I can't remember to take my own damn meds twice a day. It is however no longer an option. I understand this and am ok with it. The vet wants to keep her over night to get loading doses in to get her to a therapeutic level quicker. She says someone will be in with an estimate soon. Here comes a tech. The first estimate? Are you ready?? $1700!!! My response is "that's not happening." Second estimate is $1000 to which I also respond "still not happening." She goes back to the doctor to talk about this further. I don't know what all was on the estimates as I couldn't get past the damn numbers but I know it was diagnostic stuff. Basically is there cancer etc causing this. I understand the reasoning for this but she has been having seizures for like 6 years and while they have gotten more frequent at least in the last 2 months, I'm not all ready to spend 2K trying to diagnose the problem. Finally she comes back with an estimate of $400 if I take her home today and the possibility of increased seizures in the next week since they can't give her large doses to get her to the right level or $531 to leave her there over night and have them IV dose her several times. I'm panicking some over the cost but you have to do what you have to do. hell I need to diet anyways. So I go out to the desk to pay the $531 and the tech hands me a form saying "we don't think there will be a problem but just in case we need you to fill out this code or DNR form" So basically I have to decide whether to make my dog a full code or a DNR. And I stood there sobbing over this fucking form asking me to decide (even if it doesn't happen) whether or not to let my dog die should it happen or to spend several more hundred dollars and mostly likely have her die anyways. After making the tech cry too and finally getting the form filled out I asked if I could go back and see Sadie again before leaving her. I talked to the vet a bit more and she said she'd call me before she goes home for the night and that the night vet would call me later in the evening. And it sucked so damn bad leaving her there. Yes I do feel like she's in good hands and I'm not really thinking "she's going to die" but it still sucks. And the money at a time when I really can't afford to be spending it sucks.
Oh and last night I got a letter from the State of California stating that they think I owe them back taxes. Because you know their broke and all and trying to dig up money any way they can.
The hits just keep coming. Leaves me wondering what can go wrong next.
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Organization Or Not
Still trying hard to get organized here. I realized the other day that I have several things that I know I had in Sacramento that I can't find now so I have started going back through some of the boxes that I had things in still. I haven't found them yet and it's irritating. Not big things but stuff I'd like to find. So annoying. Especially since I thought I had unpacked everything from Sacramento. I also need to sit down some day soon and do my taxes. The stack of paperwork on top of my printer feels rather daunting. Lets just say I have a lot of medical expense receipts. I've been organizing pictures which has been interesting. I have probably 500 pics of my little sister from the ages of infant through about 5 years old. I also have several more photo albums that I haven't went through yet. I found a bunch of pictures of me and my ex. The ones of him when he was drunk I'm sending to him. Not the best memories for me. Some of the other pictures I have though we looked so happy. No don't worry I'm not considering that road again. We're fine as friends but not more. We were happy until we weren't and it was something that changed on a day to day basis sometimes. They are really good pictures though.
I had an appointment today for a preventative health program that my employer offers. You basically get a discount on your insurance premiums for participating and I figured it couldn't hurt. So I get to the appointment, meet the dietitian I am working with and within 5 minutes she explains (when explaining that she possibly might not be present for our next appointment in May) that she's pregnant. I almost started crying right then and there. Instead I held it together for oh say at least another 5 minutes. Then when she asked how I was doing I pretty much lost it. That always is a killer question for me. I bet she's never had that happen before. I have a phone number for a counselor. I still have my doctors appointment on Friday when I will be asking to look at various meds that need to be changed etc. My life right now just feels out of control. I'm working on it. I'm trying to find a way to make it better but right now it's a struggle. Hopefully after Friday things will start improving.
I had an appointment today for a preventative health program that my employer offers. You basically get a discount on your insurance premiums for participating and I figured it couldn't hurt. So I get to the appointment, meet the dietitian I am working with and within 5 minutes she explains (when explaining that she possibly might not be present for our next appointment in May) that she's pregnant. I almost started crying right then and there. Instead I held it together for oh say at least another 5 minutes. Then when she asked how I was doing I pretty much lost it. That always is a killer question for me. I bet she's never had that happen before. I have a phone number for a counselor. I still have my doctors appointment on Friday when I will be asking to look at various meds that need to be changed etc. My life right now just feels out of control. I'm working on it. I'm trying to find a way to make it better but right now it's a struggle. Hopefully after Friday things will start improving.
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