Still In Limbo Land

Ok, so fair warning that this is a bit of a long post. I haven't been able to post in a few days since I come home from work, eat and fall into bed so this is all the shit that has been building up in my brain. I still have no contract. And yes, I'm panicking a bit although I know that is probably waste of energy since for this assignment I didn't have a contract until the day before I left to come here. And I can't get over not knowing if I want a contract or not from this hospital. There are things that I definitely dislike about this hospital. Not that I'm against working hard but things that set me up for failure etc make me nervous. I have a manager that is known for not backing up her nurses. I'm on a unit that is isolated from the rest of the hospital. I was talking to a co-worker last night who had a patient who was crashing and it took over 7 minutes for help to arrive. Her patient ended up dying!!! I am thinking of staying based on the thought that it may end up being better on a different unit. Whether that is in fact true, I won't know until I'm actually locked into another contract. What a dilemma. I'm planning on going home in a little more than a week and I have no flight reservations etc as I don't know how long I will be able to stay home etc. I have no apartment to go to. It's all a little nerve wracking.
I've come to the conclusion that I really need to at least try AI in July even if it is at home which is likely since I don't think I will be able to get into fertility clinic with short notice. May not work but I at least need to feel like I'm doing something.
And there is a bit of a man situation thing going on. When I was in Seattle a little over a year ago visiting my friend R. I met a friend of hers who was a nice man but I really didn't think of much past that. The next day he called to tell me that he was really attracted to me and would like to get to know me further and asked for my address. I got one letter from him to which I did respond and then did not hear from him again. I really didn't think of the why's very much. Then in April, before I left home, R asked me again if it was ok for him to contact me and mentioned that he had been asking about me. While she trys to stay out of the matchmaking scene, she did answer his questions and tell me about it. He said that he had quit writing to me because he felt like he was wrong for me and that I deserved someone younger who could give me more than he could. He said something about me being young and that I deserved the right to have children etc which he wouldn't be able to give me since he had a vasectomy when he was married to his ex-wife. I asked R about that and was told that ex-wife had asked him to do it as she didn't want children and he did it although he wouldn't have minded having children. I also asked R if she had mentioned to him what I'm trying to accomplish right now and she said that yes she had and she hoped I didn't mind. R had given him my address again but I had not heard from him so when R was down here last weekend, I asked for his e-mail and have started e-mailing him. My dilemmas here is several things that I'm not sure if they really are dilemmas. One is the age difference. I understand that age is somewhat relative once you become an adult and my ex was 12 years older than me and it really didn't bother me as much as it even bothered him but even now, 16 years difference feels like a lot. The other one reason or whatever makes me feel a little bit like a bitch to admit it. I don't feel like I am really physically attracted to him. And I'm torn by this for a few reasons. I do believe that attraction to someone is something that can grow over time as you get to know someone. That just because you don't feel that instant spark of electricity or attraction, doesn't mean that it can't grow. Also, having someone who is your friend as well as your significant other and someone who treats you well is much better than just having the spark without the friendship etc. I really do believe those things. That said, I have spent my entire adult life and most of my teen years looking for, chasing after and craving the spark. I can even admit that this hasn't actually been very good for me. It's left me single when there were probably several opportunities that something could have turned out with someone else where I didn't have the spark to start out. I've actually regretted some of those missed opportunities. My never ending hunt has also landed me in an abusive relationship in which I acted like and idiot and stuck around for 3 years because that spark was there and I had to save it and him and the relationship. The search has left me with almost no self confidence when it comes to men since most of the men with whom I have felt that spark didn't feel the spark towards me or didn't really find me attractive for whatever reason. I've always told myself that it's because I was fat, that no one would want me because I didn't look a certain way. I spent years trying to make myself over into something someone else would want. I've dieted for years mostly unsuccessfully, I've acted like an idiot, pretended to be a party animal when I'm not, acted like an airhead when I'm not just to be what I thought the man of the month would want in a woman. I decided a couple of years ago that I was done looking, trying to change myself and being disappointed by unreturned feelings and that I was fine on my own. And I am ok on my own. I do ok financially, I have succeeded in creating a life I enjoy on my own. Yes I occasionally miss having a partner. I miss having someone to share my day to day stress and successes with and all of lifes little moments but I do know that if I never find anyone to share my life with that I will be ok or even happy with what I do have. But this brings me to my dilemma. I feel like I should give this a chance with the guy since who knows, maybe it could all grow into something great and then I would have someone to share it all with. But I'm scared. I'm afraid of giving up my independence and I'm afraid of starting something that I can't finish. Of him having feelings for me that I can't return because what if those feelings don't grown and I don't want to hurt him. I know what that pain feels like. I told him last year that I was open to communicating back and forth and getting to know him but that I didn't know how I felt about a relationship and I didn't know how I felt about the age difference. So now we are e-mailing each other and part of me wants to be scared and part of me wants to think, just see where it goes (yes this is really my plan) and maybe it could turn out to be a good friendship and maybe it could turn out to be something great. I won't know until I try. But I find myself wondering if I'm a bitch to start this when I don't know if I could ever return his feelings. And then there is the thought that if I am going to have a relationship with someone I want something that is a strong relationship with someone I really enjoy being with and who I can share my life with and I really am not sure how to get from here to there. And then there is the whole baby thing which is my number one priority. I am not willing to stop or postpone my plans and it's taking a lot of my energy at this point. Where would all of that fit in. And no, I'm not crazy, yes I know I over analyze almost everything and I'm worrying about something that may never be an issue but I can't turn it off.
Now, I should probably stop typing before you all stop believing me when I say I'm not crazy. Sorry I warned you it was long.

Wasting Time and Eggs

Ok, so it seriously feels like I am wasting time and eggs here. On Saturday of last week my CM showed up and it just about drove me nuts for several days knowing I had no sperm. I was ovulating and could do nothing about it. So, I definitely need to try in July, even if it's another home try. I hate waiting just to try. I hate feeling like my body is doing something and I can't do anything to participate in the cycle.
Everything else in life feels like it's in limbo right now. I still don't have a contract for my next assignment. I've heard rumors that they don't offer a new contract until the very end of the assignment but it really sucks because I can't work on getting a new apartment lined up, or making plane reservations to go home. I can't get a hold of the fertility clinic and ask to be a patient since I don't know for sure if I will be here in July. I know I probably will but don't know for sure if I will. Plus, I really dislike the job. Last night, most all of the nurses on my unit had 6 patients each which is against California state law. It's state mandated for a 5 to 1 nurse to patient ratio which is the main reason I came to California. I started off my night with 5 patients in the overflow room doing primary care on all 5. Which means, I was doing the job of the CNA in addition to doing my job. I moved all those patients out to the floor by around midnight and was supposed to get help which I didn't. Then between 11:30 and 5 I got 5 new patients which amounts to a ton of paperwork. I finally complained loud enough that I got some help so it wasn't just me taking care of everyone but still. I feel like at times I am really risking my nursing license at this hospital. I had a patient with orders to move him to a floor where he got more advanced care and that didn't have for almost 5 hours. The only reason I find myself wanting to stay at this assignment is because I want to use the fertility clinic which at times feels crazy. So, I wait to find out what next and I don't even know for sure what to wish for.

Let There Be Cake

In honor of Mel at Stirrup Queens who is having a blog-o-versary I had cake this last weekend. While wandering the lovely town of Half Moon Bay I found this amazing looking cake that was a raspberry butter cream cake. Since I said I would participate in the blog-o-versary and take a picture of my cake, this seemed like the perfect cake to do so with. It was a pretty good cake too.


Of course the fun part of this is that I couldn't get my internet connection to allow me to upload the picture. Every time I try it kicks me off and I can't reconnect until I restart the computer. So, I had to hijack someone elses wireless internet connections. I know, I'm bad.

Fantastic Weekend

Well, I had an unbelievably great weekend. Thursday I got to see my sunset which was nice. Friday I drove up highway 1 along the coast and it really was a beautiful drive. Don't know if I would do it again as it was a really LONG drive but beautiful. I stopped at one turn out to see the elephant seals and also saw some incredibly fat friendly squirrels. No one pays attention to all the signs that say don't feed the animals. I made it as far as Half Moon Bay and stopped and found a hotel. I paid quite a bit more for it than the place I stayed the first night but yes, it was much nicer. And Mel you are right, I remember (or was reminded) of the days of hotels that would now scare the hell out of me. We used to do it every year on my birthday and we never spent much on the hotel as we needed the money for drinking. Once I had the hotel covered I drove to the airport and picked up R. The next day we went into San Francisco and explored and had so much fun. It was a beautiful day and we got to see a lot. The high point of my day was probably a toss up between the boat ride in the bay and the Ghiradelli chocolate factory. Then we drove back down the coast, stopped shortly at the beach and then went out for dinner and drinks. After dinner we sat on the beach giggling about times past and such. Today we went to the beach again until we just couldn't stand freezing in the wind anymore, then explored the town of Half Moon Bay. I'm staying here again tonight as I hate driving after dark. It was so great having R here and being able to talk to her about all the stuff that is making me nutty. The whole TTC thing which has me so scared it's never going to work. I have made a tentative decision on how much more I think I can handle and when I move to plan B. And what plan B is. I had a dream about plan B (foreign adoption) the other night and it was my mom in my dream giving me advice. It's very odd to me that it usually ends up being my mom in my dreams giving me advice (that is usually pretty good advice) when in real life, my mom doesn't usually take part in my life by her choice. We talked about men. Apparently there was a guy at the beach last night hitting on me which I totally missed. I didn't think anything of the fact that he came up and started talking to me as I was getting into my car but R pointed out that he had followed us up the stairs from the beach and was seeming interested. He seemed like maybe late 40's early 50's which is both frustrating and flattering. It seems that is the age group I seem to attract which isn't necessarily a bad thing but seems strange to me. I'm 37 and it seems like it's old men hitting on me but really they aren't that much horribly older than me. We talked about kids and pregnancy and all sorts of girly stuff. I find that this is what feels like is missing in my life. Granted we do talk on the phone but sometimes I just miss having a friend to get together with and visit. Anyways, we had a great time and I even still have a little bit of money left. Not a lot but some. And lots of dinking and even a little drinking occurred.

Hotel Blues

Ok, so I really have to stop booking the cheapest hotel I can find. Seriously. I just arrived to Morro Bay and while the hotel room is cleaner (I think) than the place I stayed when I went to Magic Mountain, I'm pretty sure it's older. Oh well. It's only one night. I just need to get used to the idea that I need to buck up and pay more. No B, I haven't found some guy I've been out having hot sex with. I've been working. Sad but true. Four 12 hour days in a row is pretty long and leaves me very tired out. I only slept like 2.5 hours today before getting up and driving here but I think I'm ready to head out and look around. Birthday was about as good as could be expected since I was at work but I'm going to have an awesome weekend. And it's soooo much cooler here than Fresno. Good thing since near as I can tell the room doesn't have AC. Well, I think I am going to go out and explore and maybe catch up on everyones blogs later tonight. However my internet connection sucks here so we'll see. Then tomorrow I'm driving up the coast and will eventually get to San Francisco to meet my friend. Her flight doesn't come in until after 8pm so I have plenty of time to dink around some.

Patience Won

So, patience won this time. She had to, or you all would think I'm totally impulsive. Actually those that know me know that I can be. hehe. Anyways, I have not taken any soy isoflavones or anything else nor have I ordered sperm. So unless I wanted to go just pick out some random hot guy to have sex with, it's not happening this month. No, I'm not planning to go pick out some random hot guy and even if I was, the chance of him returning the interest is probably slim to none. So, I'm taking June off and I will be trying to get the local fertility clinic involved so I can do a more monitored cycle here. Which gives me more money for fun. I have my hotel booked for Thursday night so that I can sit on the beach and watch the sun set. I am very excited. And my best friend is flying in to San Francisco on Friday evening to spend the weekend with me!!! I am so excited. I have no idea what we are going to do or where we are going but we are going to have fun. I figure on Friday I can spend part of the day on the beach and then drive up the coast. And I will take along my camera again to take pics but if I can't figure out how to get this stupid internet to work I have no idea how I will post the pics. Now, if I don't go to bed, I will pay for it tonight. So, good night all and I hope you have a great day. And kittenroar I hope that beta gives you a fantastic result!!!!!

Indecision

So yesterday I was fine with sitting the month of June out and not trying. Today not so much. I don't want to sit the month out. However it feels a bit like if I do try, I will be wasting my money big time as I would be trying an unmedicated cycle at home with no assistance. I have one vial of 280 left in storage which I could have shipped to me. If I was at home and could just drive up the road and pick it up, I would probably give it a go but since it's almost as expensive to ship here as it was to buy the vial and since I just don't have a feeling it would work, it feels like I'm wasting money. But I HATE waiting. I know, I need a patience transfusion. I know it makes sense to wait and to try to get hooked up with the fertility clinic here. And yes I will wait. But for today I'm feeling antsy, and lonely. Not really home sick although I am hating the heat here, yes Rajen I know it's probably hotter elsewhere but I still hate the heat no matter where I am. If I were at home and it was hot (it's not thought) I would still be bitching about the heat. However, I don't know what the nursing situation is like in Houston but I have considered that it would be fun to head that way in the fall just to meet all you people that I talk to online. I would love to be able to meet everyone, just a matter of how to get all over the US. I actually went to the pool and went swimming this morning. It was really nice. I should do that more often although I hate swimming suits too. Nothing like letting everyone see all the fat that I usually so carefully try to hide. And I went looking for a new bathing suit today and all I could find were 2 piece tank suit things. I wonder who got the idea that all plus size women would look good in a two piece because I sure don't. Well, back to house work and maybe I'll start a new book.

It's Finally Friday!!

oops, I hit the wrong button there. If someone manages to check my blog while typing, all they will see is a title. Anyways, it's Friday, even my Friday although it feels a little bit like Saturday. It's that whole lose a day thing for night shifters. I made it through another week. And this assignment is getting pretty close to being done. And God help me but I told my agent today that I would consider another assignment here. I actually like Fresno better than I thought I would although that opinion could change quickly here in the next few days. It's hotter than hell here. I'm not really a big fan of the heat and it was 85 degrees when I got off work this morning at 7:30. Yuck. Thank goodness for AC. I told my agent though that I would consider staying here if I could change what department I work in. I would rather do float pool I think (I hope that one doesn't bite me in the ass) and I would only work 4 days a week every other week. He mentioned that I should talk to the manager (I have no idea who that is) and at least meet them to give myself a better chance. I'll have to look into that. I also really want to push for a better schedule. I'm tired of this no more than 2 days in a row off. So, if I'm staying in Fresno the RE who didn't want to take the time to do an IUI (the reason was I wasn't going to be in Fresno long enough) may become an option again. I would be here for another 4 months and since I really want to do a cycle with more monitoring like ultrasounds etc, I could try to get another good cycle in down here, without having to go home and stay for several weeks. I still want to go stay for a few days but not several weeks. So June probably won't happen but that's ok as I really need to go to the dentist. I've been avoiding that since they told me in March I needed 3 fillings. I HATE going to the dentist, I'm a big weenie when it comes to the dentist. I've actually considered conscious sedation for dental work. But maybe I could get everything on track for July. That would be awesome. And I think I'm rambling now. Could be related to having been awake for almost 24 hours. Well, ni nite all.

Thanks

Thanks everyone for your kind words. I really appreciated it. I was very down yesterday but am feeling better today. First off to answer the question when am I going home, I am done with this travel assignment on July 10th. I want to go home for at least a week or so at that time before I start my next assignment. I want to go see my dog, watch all the shows I've TIVO'd the last 3 months and just spend some time chilling. Not sure how that is all going to work it but that is my plan/hope. I am planning on still doing the traveling. Partially because while I have a lot of my bills paid off (more than I had 3 months ago) but also because this provides me with the money I need to continue TTC. I don't know how much I would be able to continue to do if I wasn't doing the travel nursing thing. Also, if I don't manage to get pregnant with AI, I haven't decided whether I will give IVF a try or if I will go straight to attempting adoption, probably a foreign adoption and for either of those options, I will need boatloads of money which again, can be gained by travel nursing. I get home sick occasionally but have actually done pretty well this assignment with that. So, I can go home in July but am not going home permanently.
Not sure right now what my TTC plans include. I talked to my doctors office yesterday and they finally had my progesterone results and they were 7.2 at 7 dpo. So the nurse (MA?) stated that well you ovulated so that's good. I'm sorry but that doesn't really fall into the category of good to me. That's lower than what my progesterone level was without clomid. Plus there is the fact that I ovulated like 5 days late but yet I only started my period 2 days late which means that my luteal phase was shorter than usual. I feel like my progesterone level started out really good and higher than normal but fell quickly. I told the office that next time I wanted to do a more closely monitored cycle, meaning ultrasounds etc to figure out if I need a trigger shot at around 14 days instead of waiting for my body to do it's thing. The nurse agreed but I think she was thinking more along the lines of just being able to get labs on time. She said I would need to be home for most of the cycle (4 weeks) but that maybe the doctor would let me start the clomid before I came home. So, I don't know what my plans are for my next cycle. My choices as I see it are to try to work a cycle in at home, wait another 3 months, try a cycle at home without the benefit of meds and use progesterone cream from day 1 or try to get prometrium, or try a cycle at home and try using soy isoflavones (works sort of like clomid?) and see if that works. Those last 2 options sound like pretty expensive science projects without much of a chance for success but then I was so sure that Clomid would do the trick and it didn't. As far as I can see, it sort of sucked. It made me feel crappy, and my progesterone was lower on clomid than before. I don't love the idea of waiting much longer. I suppose July isn't bad but I hate to keep trying once then waiting several months. It's making me crazy. But then the entire TTC process is making me crazy. I know I've mentioned before and have heard others mention the lack of control with TTC. But it's more than that. It's knowing that it's one of the few things in life where the prize (a BFP) doesn't go to the person who works the hardest for it, or the person who wants it the most or the person who deserves it. It's absolute luck or chance. There is a chance that no matter how hard I try or how much I deserve it, it may not ever happen and it sucks big time. And then there are those who absolutely don't deserve it and it happens when they don't want it. I guess that's why I'm superstitious about TTC. Because believing in good luck charms or signs feels like the only thing I can put my hope in. I have very little control over the chance that it will work past doing AI's at the right time etc. Anyways, now I'm rambling and I should be going to sleep. I have to work 2 more nights and then I get a crappy 2 nights off. I had told the scheduler that I was happy to work 4 in a row if it meant having more than 2 in a row off. So, I'm scheduled 4 on 2 off, 4 on then I get my 6 days off that I had requested to do my cycle in June which now the timing no longer works for. So while I have to work on my Birthday (shit) at least I have the first day of summer off and I want to sit on the beach somewhere and watch the sun set. So I am definitely going somewhere. Now, off to bed with me.

Bad Morning

Well, AF showed at about 3 am this morning while I was at work. Like 3 days early too. I spent most of the night feeling like shit because I was nauseous and hoping it was a good sign and not just the progesterone, then started noticing AF like cramps. Sure enough there she was. Not heavy yet but I am guessing that is also because of the progesterone. So I feel even shittier. Is that a word? I feel horrible. I barely made it through the rest of my shift without crying and I've been crying ever since I got off work. So now I'm going to go to bed and try to sleep so I can go back to that place tonight. I miss home. I miss my doggy. And I'm just miserable. Sorry.

Still Nothing

Ok, so 11 dpo and still a BFN this morning. I know there is still time. It could still turn out to be a BFP. And today I feel like crap and it doesn't help since I know that it could be the progesterone cream. I called my doctors office today and the nurse said she would check again and see if she could locate the results. Now that it's like 5 days later. I have been dizzy and light headed all day and just sort of nauseous which like I said could all be related to the progesterone cream. And I'm trying, rather unsuccessfully not to think about it. I am thinking I won't test tomorrow as I would be testing right before I was supposed to go to work. I may wait a few days actually since I work for the next 4 nights. I also don't know how much I'll sign on in the next few days since I'm going to be working. If I do get a BFP I will sign on to post that but like I said, I don't know if I will test.

Nothing Yet

Well, I did test this morning to the tune of a BFN. It's only 10 dpo. I know there is still time. Not sure what I think about symptoms though. Like I said I had went and bought some progesterone cream the other night and used it that first night and didn't really feel any symptoms or anything which didn't surprise me with just one use. Then yesterday afternoon I was really hungry so I ate dinner and shortly after dinner I started feeling really nauseous. To the point where for a minute, I really thought I was going to puke. It went away eventually but for a while there I felt awful. That was almost 24 hours after I had done the progesterone cream the first time and I hadn't put it on for a second time yet. I did right after that though. Other than that I'm hungry a lot but then that could be nerves. It's still frustrating that I can't have my test results and yes especially since they are time sensitive. I'm trying to stay positive while preparing for disappointment. I just don't know what to think. I had always imagined that when it did work, I would have something occur that conclusively made me feel like "Yup, this is it, I'm pregnant" and I don't have that at all. Heck, I don't even have as many "symptoms" as the first time I tried and that one didn't work. Oh and I went to Babies R Us today (to torture myself further) and looked at the stroller I bought on e-bay a couple weeks ago. It's a nice one. The color wouldn't have necessarily been my first choice but it's not bad. I really liked it. Also, this particular store had some maternity clothes although none in my size and I saw a tank top that would be perfect for me, and Candace a a few others. Just a plain white, ribbed tank top that says in black letters "Shopping for Two". I love it. So now I am thinking maybe it's nap time. Hope everyone is having a great weekend.

Pics

So here is a pic of me at King's Canyon taken a few weeks ago, I finally got one to upload and trying to see where in my blog this will show up (I started this post weeks ago) and now to see if I can upload another pic.

Still Here

I'm still here and am doing ok, sort of. I have been surprisingly unstressed for the first half of the TWW. I really wasn't stressing about it or worrying about it much at all. Way less than last time. Until Thursday. Now I'm thinking about it almost constantly. Up until Thursday I was feeling really optimistic. I was feeling great as I knew I had timed my AI's well and I am positive I ovulated. I had symptoms of progesterone in my body that was there naturally. Those symptoms seem to be fading. Maybe I'm just paranoid but my boobs don't hurt as much. Not really noticing much of anything else. I think part of it is that on Thursday I went to get my 7 dpo progesterone level drawn which of course was much more difficult this week than it was last week. They said something about I hope they don't lose this blood as they keep doing that. WHAT!!!! So they drew my blood, I asked the results to be called to my doctor and I called that afternoon and my doctors nurse told me my level had been 1.6 and I hadn't ovulated. I'm freaking out because I am positive I did ovulate and I'm trying to tell her that and she notices that this is the result from the week before. Ok, so I relaxed, slightly. She was going to call and see if she could find the results and she call me the next day, what would be a good time to call. I said I would be in bed by 9 or so in the AM. Of course I sort of heard the phone ring around noon and couldn't drag myself out of bed to answer it in the other room, I thought I'd call back when I woke up. Well the message was that the lab here says they don't have my blood, only the 1 test from a week ago. I call the office back, they are of course gone for the weekend. Shit. I try calling the lab here to figure out what they did with my blood. I'm told that she doesn't know what the main lab was talking about, the second test is right there in the computer, she can see it, it's just not done yet as it can take up to 5 days. What the hell are they doing, building the damn machine? I've worked in a lab before, this is not a difficult test. And I know they can do it faster if it's ordered STAT as they did last week. Of course also thanks to HIPPA my lab results are protected information and therefore I can't have access to that information unless I have permission from my doctor (who won't be available until Monday). Am I the only one this seems absolutely ridiculous to? It's my health information and HIPPA is supposed to protect my private health information, basically from me. I have to have someone else's permission to see my own health information. So, I left for work early and was running around trying to find progesterone cream to use. I am seriously considering those stupid online drug companies that are always advertising drugs without a prescription so that I can get some prometrium just to relieve my mind. So basically the last couple of days my confidence has taken a hit and I'm feeling less than optimistic at this time. I'm feeling that "what if it never happens for me" feeling again. It's starting to again feel like this is all part of the unreachable dream that I'm forever chasing. I think I liked blind optimism better. I truly felt for the first week like "of course this would work" now, I don't know what I think. I haven't been tempted by pregnancy tests yet though so that's something. I've got 4. I still don't know when I will test.

Day Trip

Well, today I decided that I just didn't feel like sitting around and thinking about am I or am I not pregnant so I decided to get out of the house for a while. I finally made it up to King's Canyon which was a very beautiful drive. I even went through one of the caverns which was fascinating, beautiful and a bit unsettling. Something about being 800 feet underground and having the thought "what happens if there's an earthquake" oh and the guide mentioning cave spiders. Oh goody and I was wearing open toed shoes. All in all it was a pretty good trip although I ended up feeling like I over did it a bit. At one place I hiked up 300 yards to a panoramic view point and at an elevation of 7500 feet, it felt a little difficult to get enough air. I know I wasn't up there that high but still. Then going to the cavern, they said the hike to the entrance was a very short, steep hike. Boy they weren't kidding. I think it kicked my BP up again and it didn't come back down very well. So by the time I headed home, I was feeling pretty yucky as I had a headache, and was very hungry. I had planned to stop at a restaurant in the park to eat but they were closed until 5pm and I was so hungry as I hadn't eaten anything but a bag of chips in 8 hours. I came home and laid down for a while though and felt better.
So I've tried posting pics twice now and my internet keeps kicking me off which then necessitates restarting my computer which is a pain in the ass. One more reason I seriously dislike my internet access through my cell phone company. So, since I've been trying to get this post up since yesterday evening, I will skip the pics for now which is too bad as I got some really cool ones.
I should also clarify something from my last post. I'm not actually taking a progesterone supplement. Not yet anyways. I just know that my progesterone level 7dpo before was 9.9 and thanks to the clomid I am pretty sure I had a much better ovulation and therefore my progesterone level is higher on it's own naturally. Of course I find this out for sure tomorrow. But I do have symptoms of having a higher progesterone such as sore nipples. Other than that, the only other thing I have is frequent trips to the potty and some random queasiness which could be related to nerves more than anything. The other thing I have is freaking me out a bit. My blood pressure hasn't been under very good control. I have been taking a med since last September that is pregnancy friendly and while it has never controlled my BP as well as my previous med which wasn't pregnancy friendly did, it's been ok. Ever since last week (possibly longer as I hadn't checked my BP since I started taking the Clomid) my BP has been running a little bit higher even with my medication. Enough that I am a bit worried and not sure what to think. I plan on talking to my doctors nurse about it tomorrow when I call to see what my progesterone level was. Hopefully we can have some good input. And I'm hoping this is something that is related to the clomid and will resolve and not me already having more of a problem with BP when I don't even know yet if I'm pregnant. So, that is where I am with symptoms etc. I am planning to try to wait until at least Sunday (10 dpo) before I test and it would be better if I waited until like Tuesday. I will see how it goes.

Progesterone Anyone?

So, this is what it feels like to have progesterone running around your body. Hmm. At least I can be fairly certain I ovulated. I haven't had my blood test yet but my boobs or more specifically my nipples are letting me know there has been a change. They are so sensitive it's not even funny. Yow. The only other time I remember feeling this is when I was taking BCP's. Too soon for it to be a sign of anything else. A little moody too. I actually told one of the jailers I was imagining pillows over the head of one of the inmates/patients I was taking care of this weekend. But he was an ass. She mumbled something about looking the other way.
I'm doing pretty good so far (yes I know it's early) with the TWW. I haven't been stressing or obsessing about it really. I am very aware of the above mentioned feeling but also know that it's too early. It was also pointed out to me by my room mate that I get up to pee a lot during the day (I guess 4 times on Saturday) but I drink a lot of water. She was nice, it's not like I made it sound there. When I got up for like the 3rd time, she looked at me asked "again?" and I said yes, then later she asked if I usually get up that many times during the day. At least once always, sometimes twice is usual for me. She then reminded me that frequent urination is a sign of pregnancy. But it's too soon. I did have a couple of moments where I've worried that the stress of work will make me not get pregnant but there are lots of pregnant nurses. Otherwise, not much going on. I'm so glad to be off work for the next couple of nights. And I'm really not thinking about the fact that I can start POAS in like 10 days.
Yeah right, like I'm going to wait that long. Haha.

Feeling Better

I feel better today which is good. Turns out part of what was making me feel "funky" was my blood pressure which was up. Probably related to the fact that last week I ran out of my medication and used my cats heart medicine until my regular stuff came on Wed. Yes I know. That's bad. But in my defense, my cat's medication is a human medication a beta blocker that is used for treating blood pressure and one that I have taken in the past. I think that with the stress of the last week though didn't help. Of course I tried looking up last night if elevated BP was related to the Clomid or the ovulation and instead stumbled across information on OHSS which scared the shit out of me. It was kind of interesting though when I put OHSS into a search engine, Mel from Stirrup Queens came up as the 7th hit. You're popular Mel. But that is because you have this great blog that always has something going on. Like her blogoversary. It's a very cool idea.
So I feel better today. The cramping is mostly gone. That is part of what had me freaked out though was that I was still having cramping yesterday and I got all freaked that there was something wrong with my ovary. I had never experienced that before although I've never taken Clomid before either. It was just really weird. Chelle, you mentioned the pain in one of your comments. Thanks, it helped to know that what I was feeling might be normal. Not much else going on. Waiting on DHL to show up to pick up dewar to send it back to NW. Gosh when you call them you don't even get to speak with a person. So they can come anytime between now and 5pm. I still feel pretty calm but then it's still early. I still have like 13 more days to lose my sanity.

Now I Just Wait

So all 3 AI's are done and now I just wait for 2 weeks. And we have all heard about how I'm not good at patience. Oh well, it's not like there is another option. I finally got a call back from my doctors office. They told me my progesterone level was 1.6 but not to get worried because I likely ovulated late. Ya think. I already knew that part. They want me to have another progesterone drawn next Thursday. Still having a bit of minor cramping but still much better than yesterday was. I swear once yesterday I had a full bladder and bent over to pick something up and thought I had broke something in there. I'm curious how many follicles I had. Today I feel weird. Not sure if it's just the let down from all the stress from the last few days, all that built up adrenaline draining out of my system finally or if it's from ovulation or what. I just feel kind of shaky and queasy. Just basically funky which is the only way I can think to explain it. Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow as I have to work tomorrow night. Thanks everyone for all your well wishes and to all of those who will be soon joining me in the TWW, lets hope this our month for all of us.

TWW

Well, I am officially in the TWW again. I was beginning to feel like I would never get to this point. Yes I am aware that it's not the best point to be wishing for. I'd rather be towards the end of the TWW but I'll take what I can get. I've done 2 of my 3 insemination's. By noon yesterday I had a definite positive opk. I ended up going out and buying the smileys so I had a smiley at 3pm. Wow those are expensive. I don't even want to think about what I have spent on this cycle with rush shipping, opks etc. I did my first AI at 3pm which was only 3 hours after positive opk but I just had a gut feeling that I should do it then. Of course that gut feeling could be wrong but oh well, what's done is done. I did my second at about 4 this morning. I'm fairly sure that I have already ovulated sometime during the night. I was having some pretty strong cramps in my left ovary, especially when I had a full bladder that have dissipated now. I have one more AI to do this afternoon which may be too late but I'm going to do it anyways. I have a good feeling about my donor as he has several reported pregnancies. I don't know for sure how I feel about my chances this crazy cycle or how optimistic I am. I am back and forth between being so optimistic that I believe I'm PUPO to wanting to not be optimistic as the fall is so much farther from there if this didn't work. Now lets see how sane I manage to stay for the next 2 weeks. I should be able to test about a week before my birthday so lets hope for a really awesome early birthday present to me.
I also called my doctors office yesterday and of course they were out for the day so I spoke with another nurse. I was asking about my CD 21 labs which should be a 7 dpo progesterone and that I know I didn't ovulate on CD 14. Of course I got the "how do you know" As much as it was frustrating I guess I understand it some. I've talked to a couple of people at work and it amazes me how many women (nurses included) who have no idea what happens in their cycle and when they are fertile. Anyways, the other doctor whom I really like a lot said that I should go have the progesterone drawn yesterday STAT to see if I was in fact ovulating. I never did hear back but I expect they did get the results yesterday. I will call today and find out if I need to have another one drawn. I also plan to get some of the progesterone cream as the way I see it, better safe than sorry. I do feel that if I do this again, I really would like a more monitored cycle so I know what the hell my body is doing. The suspense of it all just about pushed me over the edge. So now, let the waiting begin.

Lucky Penny?

There it was yesterday afternoon. On the ground right next to my car. I hadn't seen it when I got out of the car at Walgr**n's to buy more opks (I think I've went through 5 boxes now) but before I got back in the car, there it was. Face up and everything. So of course I picked it up and said the little poem I always say. "See a penny pick it up, all day long you'll have good luck." I could use it just to get through a decent night at work. It worked. I had a really good night although it was a little slow since I wasn't running around the unit like my ass was on fire. Then this morning at around 4, after peeing on yet another stick and while I'm sitting there waiting for results and looking at the bug on the floor that appeared to be a roach (yes it was and I am thoroughly creeped out! Roaches in the hospital!! YUCK!!!) and then magically there it was. CM. Lots of it. Sorry to be a little TMI but I was ready to do a happy dance in the bathroom until I remembered the roach and got the hell out of there. That opk was a negative but there was a second line. Yes Jen, I got different opks which were really expensive at Walgr**n's but then everything is really expensive there and I don't usually shop there. So this morning, I have an almost positive opk and more CM. Yippee!!!! And on the day I had planned to send super spermies back. Wow. Now if that isn't timing I don't know what is. I am planning to start doing AI's today more than likely at some point. I think I'm going to try to get at least one positive opk. And thanks Candace for the input. I had been charting since last November but I don't temp. I gave up on temping. I usually take a medication (an older anti depressant) that helps me sleep and if I take it, I can sleep a good 8 hours uninterrupted. However this med isn't TTC friendly and when I don't take it, I wake up like every 1.5 to 2 hours which then gives me wacky crazy temps so I gave up. For months though I have had CM starting by day 12 and a positive opk by day 14 or 15 with one exception which is the first time I TTC which it was on CD 16 that time. Today is CD 18. So I need to call NW and tell them that dewar is going to be late making it back and I need to call my doctors office about my CD 21 labs which will probably only be 2 dpo. And you can bet your hiney I will be carrying the lucky penny with me everywhere for the next 2 weeks. Not that I'm superstitious or anything.

Still Nothing

Ok, so still nothing. I haven't even seen a second line on the opk since Friday night. And I'm having cramps like AF is about to show up. I'm going to call my doctor tomorrow and see what they say. I'm also due to send dewar and most likely super spermies back tomorrow. I have wondered if there would be some way I could find a place to store them here so I wouldn't have to pay shipping again but what if something happened to them. It seems insane to me that I may have ovulated so early as CD 9 but I don't know what else to think. I have no CM, cramps like AF is going to show, no LH in my body and absolutely no idea what is going on with my body. So far I think this is way more frustrating than the last TWW.

The Ticker Lies!

It does. It lies. It's up there taunting me with that CD16 2dpo. Yeah right. Still a whole lot of nothing. I went through an entire box of opks yesterday with nothing even remotely close to positive. I was antsy all day. Nothing kept my attention and it drove me completely nuts. And I'm not even in the TWW yet! I have a bit (not very much really) of cramping in my lower abdominal region now. Not sure what to think. I just don't know what my body is doing. What a mess. I am supposed to send the dewar back to NW on Wednesday and I don't know if I will be sending super spermies back with it or not.

Still Waiting

So I'm still waiting for my body to do something. I still haven't gotten a positive OPK. I still don't feel much of anything. Super spermies are still waiting patiently in the bedroom which is more than I can say for myself. I am trying really hard to stay calm and not get to frustrated which isn't really working. I'm antsy as I don't feel like reading, watching TV, playing a game or surfing the internet. I feel like shopping but that isn't the best use of my money right now. I did shop a bit on e-bay yesterday and spent more than I should have but think I got a good deal. I am well on my way to being one of those people who has everything they need if a baby were dropped on their doorstep. I bought a stroller. It's a peg perego that usually sells for 199.00 and I got it for 91.00. It's supposed to be new and never used so I feel like I got a good deal. I'm having it shipped to my house as there is no point in shipping it here where I would just have to figure out how to get it home. So anyways, that's where I'm at for today. Waiting still for something to happen.

I think I'm OK

So I think that I'm still ok with timing. No, I wasn't planning on sending my super spermies back yet even when I thought I might have already ovulated but I think I'm still ok. I have had a couple of OPKs that weren't positive but they were close to being positive. Plus I had a horrible headache last night that I think was totally hormonal. So I think I still haven't ovulated yet but will hopefully soon. So feeling better, less stressed and just waiting.

Worry

Ok, so now I'm getting worried about missing my ovulation. I know that this could be because I have everything ready and it's just part of the game, but I may have a reason for worry although I am hoping like crazy my body will prove me wrong. So, when AF showed a week and a half ago and seemed like it was almost totally back to normal, plus that it was on time I was relieved. I had expected tardiness since I am fairly sure I had an annovultory month in April. So, AF seemed fairly normal. Except for the fact that it seemed like I had CM with it on the last day. There was definitely some mucous there. I at the time thought, hmm, that's weird. I then continued to have some CM for several days after which is unusual but I didn't think to much of it. On CD 9, I had some cramping on my lower left side that I just chalked up to a growing follie since I had taken my clomid. Then on CD 11, just because I did an OPK and it was almost positive, not quite but very close. I worried some because my super spermies weren't due to arrive until the next day. So yesterday after super spermies arrived, I did an OPK and it was completely and totally negative. Not even a hint of a second line. I thought that maybe I didn't wait long enough in between peeing. So today I waited, I know I waited. And again a very much negative OPK. No second line whatsoever. So now I'm worried/panicking that I actually ovulated on CD 9 and it was just a little left over present from my body because of the annovultory month last month. And to think that I paid the extra 50.00 for rush shipping, the day after I possibly ovulated. Shit.

Waiting

So here I sit, waiting for Super Spermies. I had hoped to sleep all day instead of sitting her obsessing about sperm showing up on time. I had stayed up until about 4 before going to bed. Then I had a dream about DHL delivering the wrong sperm samples to my house. They brought me someone else's sperm like 16 vials of it and they didn't even leave the dewar. They had left it all on the porch without the dewar. It had an LA address and I kept thinking that I could just drive down there and switch but I was calling all these places trying to find my own sperm and then I fell asleep and when I woke up it was after 7 and everything was closed and I couldn't get a hold of anyone for the rest of the night. So, that was probably the end of sleeping. So, now I sit and wait. NOT patiently either.
Updated- Super Spermies arrived finally at about 2:30 this afternoon. The DHL guy rang the doorbell and left them on the porch. While I haven't actually taken them out of the dewar the paperwork says they are in fact my spermies. Whew. What a relief.

Not Much New

Well, not too much new yet. My super spermies are due to arrive tomorrow. Yay!!!!! I did get a call today and the doctors office here in Fresno that I had hoped would do my IUI has said they won't. Apparently they don't think it's worth their time since I will only be in Fresno for the next 7 weeks or so. Whatever. So even though they said all they needed was a referral from my doctor, seems like they actually wanted to try to recruit a new customer. It's a bit disappointing but I have to admit, it's a bit of a relief. I don't have to display my plus size self to possible negativity. Yes, I realize that's maybe not the best attitude in the world but it's about the best I can do for now. So, I will be doing 3 home AI's. Women have gotten pregnant with home AI's and while I would have liked to have at least one vial get as close to where it needed to be, it will all still be ok. I have to believe it will work. I have to say that it's a relief that I am in a position right now where money wise, I can afford to do this without worrying too much about finances. Now lets hope that ovulation comes over the weekend. I'm kind of thinking it might be late though. I've heard that clomid can delay ovulation, plus I've been stressed out. It would be nice though if it was the weekend as I don't work over the weekend. Not much on side effects from the clomid. I've had a few lower abdomen twinges, mostly on the right side so possibly ovulating on the right. I've also had some minor just sort there headaches. That could be related to the fact that I am trying again to give up caffeine also so who knows. Not sleeping well but that's because I quit taking my medication that helps me sleep again. I fall asleep ok, just wake up like 10 times a day.
Now, I'm off to Walmart for OPK's, Mucinex (don't want CM to totally disappear) and a few other must have things.

Yippeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy dances are going on. I have spermies. I got home from work this morning dead tired as I had a horrible night running like crazy and thought to turn on my computer. So there was an e-mail from NW that my paperwork had been processed and I was now able to order sperm without a deposit. Huh??? Apparently that was a goof on their part but what they were trying to say was that they had processed my deposit. So, I of course promptly called and ordered my spermies of which I am ecstatic to say my first choice was available. I did still have one vial of the one I used the first time but I needed more and they didn't have more at this time as they are all in Q. And he wasn't my favorite from last time so I had decided I wanted to change donors, and I got him!! I was getting stressed out. Now watch, I've stressed enough to delay my ovulation date. Oh well. I have the weekend off and I have spermies coming on Thursday. So I am good to go for this weekend. And after tonight I am half way done with this assignment and that much closer to moving on to the next one!

Short Trip To Insanity

Ok, so I think I'm on the express train to insanity. I've now called NW twice today and they admitted they have my money order (duh I sent it express mail) but it isn't posted to my account yet. The first time I called they said it could take 5 days to process that. Hello, it's guaranteed money. How freaking hard is it to look say, oh yeah we have it, lets take that order for you??? He told me to try back tomorrow afternoon. Which basically means that I will have to pay for a rush order now and if DHL loses it or something with the holiday weekend, I'm screwed and not in the good way. What really sucks is that the donor I want on Friday had 20 vials available, today they said they had some left but didn't specify how many. If he's gone by tomorrow I will have to figure out the whole donor thing again with only a short time to decide. If I had known that they weren't going to let me order until they got the deposit I would have ordered before I told them I wanted them shipped. Yes, I know. I need to get hooked up with a different bank. It's just been so convenient in the past to use NW as they are in Spokane and all I have to do is drive up to the office with the super spermie transporter and pick them up. So, fingers are crossed etc hoping that this will all manage to come together by the end of the week. Otherwise I'm pretty much out of luck for this cycle. Which means I took Clomid for nothing. Although I guess I could get my 7dpo progesterone checked without actually being pregnant and worrying about miscarrying before then. Somehow that really isn't making me feel better.

Going A Little Crazy

And believe it or not, it's not because of TTC stuff. It's my internet. The Veriz*n wireless broadband internet card I got on Friday worked for 3 hours or so and has never worked since. I have uninstalled the entire thing, reinstalled it numerous times, spent almost 2 hours on the phone with V.W. and Dell and was told I had to download the program from the website and ended up with the same problem. My computer isn't finding the device. So, I am currently surfing on someone elses wi-fi connection (yes I know this is bad) and have no idea what I'm going to do but I'm pretty sure it includes taking the thing back to the store. The guy from Dell told me that there are a lot of driver problems because Vista is new and it will be a while before it's worked out again. So, not sure what I'm going to do next but I am sure I will go nuts without internet.
Clomid is going pretty well. No side effects from it so far which is good. Right now I'm tired but I've been up all night. I plan to call NW tomorrow afternoon to see if they have applied my deposit. The donor I used the first time I have one vial and there aren't any more in quarantine so I was looking at switching donors. The one I wanted on Friday had 20 vials, we'll see how that goes. Well, I am going to try to check everyone's blog before someone realizes that something is up and I lose my connection again.
Updated- Well after all that headache this morning, I took all of the stuff back to the VZ store this afternoon and of course the guy had to try to make it all work again, which it wouldn't. So he got a new card thingy and it worked, turns out the card was bad. Whatever. For now I'm connected again and I won't complain. Much.

Busy Days and Other Happenings

Ok, first off I'm curious why everyone seems to be moving their blog to wordpress? Is there something I should know??? Yes I will follow all of you wherever you may go.
Well, it's been a busy week with a few epiphanies or whatever you want to call them. The biggest one is that "Oh shit, I think I officially old". That is directly connected to the fact that the rollercoasters at Magic Mountain weren't nearly as fun as I had thought they would be. I don't know for sure though if that is related to my age or the fact that I am about 40 pounds heavier than the last time I went to ride rollercoasters. I got there early, went to one of the bigger new rollercoasters first where my well rounded self didn't fit into the seat/harness thing as well as I would have liked and right after the ride hoisted us into a face down position where my entire body weight was resting on the above mentioned harness, all I could think of is "oh shit, what if this doesn't hold my weight and I fall out". Then I lost my sunglasses on the ride. They were an expensive pair too although I had them about 4 years so at least they weren't new. Anyways, I ended up only going on like 4 of the bigger rollercoasters, then a couple of the water rides where I got totally soaked. I also spent a bit of time feeling blue that it was just me walking around do this stuff and that there was no one with me. I haven't had a feeling like that in a while but I did this week. Other than that I did drive into LA, went to Santa Monica and drove down Wilshire until I found the La Brea Tar pits which was something I had really wanted to go see when I was a kid. I had more time but was really tired of driving in all that traffic so I came home yesterday. I was all ready to check out everyone's blog and guess what. No internet service. Apparently the cable TV/internet that was here when my roommate moved in wasn't provided by the apartment complex, it was someone elses service and Comc*st finally got tired of getting paid. So today I had to go out and get some new form of internet. I ended up going with Veriz*n's broadband which so far, I'm liking fairly well. It's as quick as internet and totally portable so wherever I go, it goes too.
In other news, have I mentioned before that patience isn't my strong suit??? Well, it still isn't. After going back and forth for several days, I decided that I did want to TTC in May. So yesterday I went and filled my script for Clomid and took my first tablet. Then I looked at my calendar today and realized that if I'm going to do this, I would probably be AI'ing sometime late next week. Yikes. That meant I really needed to get on the ball here. So I went and got the money order and sent it off to NW by express mail for the deposit. It will be there by Monday. So I called NW to let them know and they said that they would be watching for it but (and here's the annoying part) I can't purchase any further samples until they receive it and apply it to my account. Forget the fact that I was purchasing samples from them before without the deposit. Now they won't do anything until they get it. And when they get it, the money sits in their account earning interest until I quit doing business with them. Which will likely be really soon. I'm tired of their crap. So, I probably need to start working on getting set up with a different bank in case this try doesn't work. Of course it's also going to be tricky ordering sperm and having it shipped out soon enough to get it on time. I think they are just trying to make a few extra bucks. My fault though to some extent as I wasn't thinking ahead that I would need to order samples early in the week for them to arrive by the end of the week and that it's already Friday. Plus, I still need to call my doctor to have her call a referral to the doctor here. Oh my gosh, this is going to be hectic. Oh well. I'm so far pretty relaxed about the whole cycle though so not real worried. Yet. I'm planning to do one Dr assisted IUI and 1-2 home ICI's this cycle. Maybe crazy but I'm just not confident enough to go with just one IUI. And I'm already having a hard time with the idea of being afraid that I will go to this Dr and he will take one look at me and refuse to do the IUI. Yes I know I have horrible self confidence issues.
Oh and then today I decided that I needed a little retail therapy. I actually really wanted to get myself a good luck thing for the upcoming IUI. I wanted to buy the Brighton Baby Love bracelet as a good luck charm. So I finally found a place here in Fresno where they sell Brighton stuff and before I could even get into the store noticed that they had clearance stuff outside and they had a purse I had been wanting for half price, and they had the wallet to match. And I was feeling guilty about buying both (yes, I know I am supposed to be saving money not spending) until the lady said that if I bought 2 items, I got a 3rd free. So I have a new purse, wallet and bracelet. And plans to stay away from stores!!!!

Back to Normal??

Well, I won't be sure until tomorrow or the next day but I think that my good old regular aunt flo is back from wherever the hell she went and has given her evil twin sister aunt super heavy flo the boot. After 3 months of very heavy periods that lasted 2 days longer than normal, I seem to have slowed down and be back to my normal cycle. That is a relief. It's also interesting or confusing to me. First off the part that I'm talking online about my period. wow, what has my life come to. hehe. I've heard though that with TTC the mind can play tricks on the body and you can feel symptoms that aren't really a pregnancy etc. So can the mind play that strong a trick on the body to screw with the hormones enough that it actually alters your cycle?? For 3 cycles after my February AI attempt, I had crazy heavy periods with lots of cramping etc. Now they are back to normal. Very strange but a relief too. Now I need to go try to catch a nap before I leave this afternoon. I also will have to check in on my blog again as I have to keep checking Tracey's blog Baby Steps to see what the results of her beta are. I've got everything crossed that first times a charm with the IVF.

Woohoo

Woohoo, AF showed up today and only a day late!!!! That is sort of a relief. Sort of a relief since I had already gotten used to the idea of doing IUI down here and was looking forward to my 6 days in a row off in June so I could do something fun here instead of going home. But I technically should go home for a few days also. I miss my doggy, could use some time to gather a few things around my house I could use here (for instance I forgot to bring extra checks with me) and I will have almost 3 months worth of my favorite TV shows on my DVR recorded. Ok I know I'm crazy. So I still may go home in June.
My afternoon started off kind of crazy. I got a call waking me up this afternoon from a kid saying he had my dog at a park several blocks from my house, said she was just wandering around alone. Of course, me being 1200 miles away, I freaked out. I was so upset at first I didn't want to speak to J. about getting her so I called D who also lives very close by. However he was at his mom's for mothers day which is a bit farther away. So I did end up calling J. and he said he had left her in the yard this morning and all gates etc were shut. He went and got her, thanked the kid for calling etc and offered him a reward (I had too over the phone) and then called me when he had her with him. He also went home and checked the yard and all the gates were shut and he can't figure out how she got out of the yard. She hadn't dug her way out and all fences were intact. Plus, I have a hard time believing she could have gotten over the fence as she is a short dog (corgi mix) and I really don't think she could have jumped over or climbed over the fence. That leaves me wondering if someone purposely let her out. Plus I'm feeling sort of guilty. The few times Sadie has gotten out of the yard in the past, she never went very far, no farther than the neighbors yard and on most of those occasions she was out for at least an hour. So how did she end up 3-4 blocks from home. Is she wandering farther or trying to get out because I left her (hence where the guilt comes from)? Now J is worried that he has lost my trust and I don't really know the answer to that. I never did tell him about my neighbor calling me right after I got here and I am worried about Sadie but do believe that he really likes her. So a bit more stress.
As far as my plans for the week?? They are all set. I have a hotel in the LA area booked for Tuesday and Wednesday night. I will come home from work on Tuesday morning and take a bit of a nap then leave and head down there. I am definitely going to Magic Mountain but not sure where else I'm going. Probably not Disneyland this time. Maybe Universal Studios. But I'm excited to be going and it will be a really nice break.
Now, I have brownies calling my name so I really should go answer them. Wouldn't want them to get lonely.

Another Week Done

Well, I have another week in my assignment done. Yippee!!!! It was a so-so week. My first night sucked as I again started off with 3 patients leaving me open to get 2 admits while other nurses had 5 patients. I finally voiced my opinion about this not being a very workable or well planned choice to both the charge nurse and yesterday when I saw the nurse manager I talked to her about it as well. This was the 4th time this has happened and it leaves me with a crazy insane night. I was told that it would be addressed so I will wait to see what happens. I also talked to the nurse manager about the schedule issue and wanting more than 2 days in a row off so that I was able to go do things. She said she would try to make it work better on the next schedule. So we'll see what happens, if things work out better. I also last night had a really good night where it was actually slow. Kind of nice for a change. I was supposed to have 2 more nights off and then on 2 nights but a co-worker was asking for someone to work Sunday night for her and I told her I would if she would work Tuesday for me. So, I only get one night off after 3 and then work 2 more, but I will then have 3 days in a row off work. So, now I just need to decide what I'm going to go do!!! I'm thinking rollercoasters. Or the beach but I really like the idea of rollercoasters. I also am still thinking I want to give it a try in May for IUI. It may work since AF should have shown her face either yesterday or today if my cycle was on schedule and there doesn't seem to be any indication that will actually happen. So, I will be late and will be due to ovulate at the end of the month. I think. As far as different banks go, I haven't actually researched midwest although I did look at one here in California last week and sometimes think it would be easier to change. Especially in light of the deposit which yes, I was aware I wouldn't get back until I was done using NW. However if I am AI'ing at home, NW is 6 miles away from my house and I don't have to pay shipping at all. All I have to do is go pick it up. Plus, right now, I'm no where near my doctor so getting another signature and signing up with another bank would be a bit more time consuming or complicated. So for now, I think I will stick it out with NW but will be open to the idea of changing in the future.
Now I'm ready to fall asleep at my computer, so off to bed for me.

Good News

Well, the good news is that NW will ship my donor sperm to me here in California so I can IUI down here. It will still require a deposit. I was told that they won't tell me what the criteria is for requiring a deposit but that they use the same criteria for everyone. Seems weird. Feels like if I have to pay a $500 deposit, I should at least be told why. Whatever. Shipping to ship the sperm to me here in California (1200 miles from home) is only $40 more than it would have been to ship it 6 miles when I'm in Spokane. Again, whatever. At least I can have it shipped to me here and I can get started. So I'm definitely on for June but find myself wondering if I could pull off May. Probably not. I really need to go to a dentist and have some fillings done before I do this and the May date is 2-3 weeks off. Would be nice though. I'm also considering changing donors. I have one vial left from the donor I tried in February which wasn't my favorite choice but was like choice number 5 and the first one they had available. That donor still doesn't have any reported pregnancies even though he's been a donor for a while and I'm pretty sure others have tried him as I've shared the long profile with several others. So, I'm considering changing donors. Plus, I'm thinking about doing more than one vial for my next try. Basically let doctor do one IUI and me do one ICI at home. I feel more relieved now though knowing that it is all going to work out and happen one way or another.

Tagged Again

Ok, so I was tagged again with the MeMe (what the hell is a MeMe anyways, I've never heard of one before this) so here is my I am list.
I am adopted (yep me too)
I am a nurse.
I am an animal lover and sometimes worry that I will end up being the crazy cat lady at the end of the street with 10 dogs and 20 cats.
I am impatient.
I am overweight and constantly expect people to judge me based on that (even when they don't).
I am not religious because of many negative experiences I've had in life in the name of religion.
I am hoping to be a mom someday soon.
I am a bit of a nomad (I like to move around).
I am a person with a bit of a sick and twisted sense of humor.
I am very loyal to my friends.
I am the type of person who will do most anything for someone I care about.
I am a worrier.
ok, so I tag Vanessa, Jen, and can I tag Meg back (I can't remember if you did this one or if you have been tagged yet).

Possibly Solution

Well I called the fertility clinic here in Fresno about doing my IUI, explained that I was working with a Dr. at home but am down here as a traveling nurse and that it would be easier to have a doctor here do the actual IUI. They said that all I would need to do is have my doctor call a referral to their office so that their doctor could do the IUI. No initial appointments, nothing. They said they could do ultrasound monitoring etc if need be although my doctor hadn't mentioned wanting to do that so I don't think that was the plan initially. Now the only other problem would be having the sperm shipped down here. I've heard that NW can be difficult in this respect. I'll have to see. Also need to call my doctor and have her call a referral down here. I am going to wait and see though if AF arrives on Friday or Saturday. If it does, then everything is still on schedule and I've requested days off for June and could go home which would be nice as I miss my poor doggy. But if everything is now off schedule because of an annovulatory cycle then the days I requested off will be wrong and I would need to IUI about a week later. So, more waiting. yay.
I also wanted to say to B&K, I can't access your blog anymore to read it. I tried this AM and it asked me to login to read so I created a login and now when I click your link, it takes me to a wordpress dashboard and not your blog. I'm sure I'm doing something wrong although I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong.

One More Week Down

So, one more week down at my current assignment and only 9 more to go. And yes, I'm counting. 35 shifts left. When I first started things seemed very chaotic but there had just been a very large move where a private hospital had absorbed a county hospital and the unit I worked on was one that moved from the old hospital and so no one knew where things were etc and so it was chaotic. I figured it would get better. It hasn't. I typically do not have or can't get all the supplies I need to care for my patients, if I get an admit from ER which is a scary place from what I hear it typically takes 5-6 hours if not longer to get their medications up to the floor. In a case where the patient was admitted for infection and I can't get their first dose of antibiotic for 6 hours, there is something wrong with the system. Plus last night I had a med error because a medication came from pharmacy mis-labeled. It has become a game of make the best of it and CYA (cover your ass). Granted I still think this is a good experience, it is teaching what type of questions I need to ask when interviewing for a job. I'm learning to work with minimal stuff if need be. It's still a little bit scary. So, I am definitely hoping to be moving on when the contract is up. Otherwise not much else is going on the last few days. I talked to the schedule person again today and she said she should know by Friday if I can have my requested days off. I should know by Saturday if my cycle is going to be on time or delayed. So I will decide if I'm going home or not. In the meantime, I am going to check with finding a doctor here just in case.
Now, Meg tagged me to give up 7 unknown or random facts about myself so here goes. I don't think I can come up with 7 people to tag in return because I think she tagged most everyone already. But here goes.
1. I like to move, I've moved like close to 30 times since I graduated from highschool in 1988. I don't like the actual moving, but I like the new spaces part of it.
2. My dream vacation would be to have some sort of motor home or travel trailer and take at least 6 months driving through the United States.
3. I am terrified (stupidly so) of spiders and can't even get close enough to kill them unless they are fairly small and on the floor or low on the wall, never above eye level.
4. I hate onions. I hate the taste, the texture, the idea etc. I can't even eat them to be polite. It actually makes life a bit difficult as there would be a lot more options for eating out etc if I did like them as they are in EVERYTHING!
5. I love to go wander around Home Depot or Lowes to fantasize what I'd like to do with my house, I also like watching HGTV to get ideas.
6. I'm sort of allergic to the sun, I break out in a rash or burn very easily if I'm out much in the sun.
7. I flunked wood shop in the 10th grade because I was afraid of doing anything that would make me look stupid in front of the boys. I was the only girl and my mom had made me take the class. I've always been way to conscious of what others think of me.
So those are my random 7 things. I don't know if I'm going somewhere tomorrow, I should as sitting around the apartment is not a great use of time although I do LOVE to read and if I stay home, I have lots of time to read. We'll see.

Annovulatory?

So I'm curious. If this month was an annovulatory cycle and that's why my LH surge lasted for like 6 days, will that delay AF showing up? I hope not. I won't know for sure until like next Friday or Saturday which will be CD 28 and 29. If it did delay AF and make for a longer cycle, then it also just screwed up my plans for June AI as the days I requested off will no longer be the days I ovulate. Crap. I guess I will have to wait and see what happens. I did find something out though in the last couple of days. The hospital I'm working at has a fertility program where they do AI, IVF etc. So, I'm looking in to that. I have been so reluctant to change doctors because I really like my doctor and she was really accepting of the idea of helping me even though I'm single and have a weight problem. So, I submitted an on line request for info from the fertility program here (which is supposed to be pretty high rated?) saying that I am here in Fresno for a while and looking for a size friendly provider in the area. It would be easier if I could do AI's here as then I wouldn't have to time it just so for getting home for IUI. So, maybe if that all works out, I can get it done here then if I got my days off in June, I could do something fun around here. We'll see.
I got to looking at my schedule again and I don't have 3 days in a row off coming up. So, probably not Disneyland. I was thinking about it and none of the rides at Disneyland are so crazy that it would be bad to go there if I was pregnant (except space mountain which I didn't really love much anyways thanks to a Dean Koontz book I read years ago) so I could always take a few days and go there between contracts in July. Now the other place that Tracey mentioned I think it was in Vallencia I really need to go to before I'm pregnant as I want to ride the crazy rollercoasters. So, I suppose I could do the sleep deprivation thing and go on one of my 2 days in a row down there. I wish my little sister could be here to go with me. She always loved rollercoasters too. I remember her being about 9 and going on the largest one in Minnesota and having a blast.
Well tonight is back to work for 3 nights, then 2 more off. Hopefully by next week my letterboxing stuff will be here and I can go to King's Canyon. Oh and so far I've paid off one bill and over half of a second bill. Yippee!!!!!!!!!!!!

Finally

Finally a negative opk and I'm feeling much better this morning. Maybe I just needed some sleep. Oh, and I looked at my schedule again and where the one schedule ends and the next begins, I do have 3 days in a row off. So I'm going to Disneyland. Of course it's a weekend but oh well. My roommate even said she would medicate the kitties.

Wacky Hormones?

So I can't really decide what is going on with my body. And it freaks me out. I've had problems in the past with not reliably getting positive opks unless I use answer and then those usually work but I have a day or two of not positives before it moves on to a positive opk and then usually I quit testing at that point. So, last week my CM didn't show up until CD13 and I usually get a positive opk on CD14. Well on CD 14 my CM seemed eggwhite so I tested with an opk and it was positive. So ok, one day of CM and it looks like I'm still on schedule. Then on CD 15 more EWCM, so I tested again and again got a positive. Same on CD 16 and 17. Today my CM seems to have finally dried up but as of this morning, I was still getting a positive or almost positive opk (the test line may have been slightly lighter than the control line). These are tests from 2 different boxes so it's not like it's a bad box or something. So I start looking around online and what I found is that if your body is trying to surge to bring on an ovulation and it's not happening you could keep surging trying to make it happen. So that could be the reason behind it. I don't know if that is something that would correlate with the borderline ovulation?? Sounds logical but I don't really get all the hormonal stuff. Another reason listed for a possible long LH surge is hormonal imbalance (no it didn't get any more specific than that) or PCOS. So from what I understand about PCOS it is more common in women who have weight problems which I do but that is about the only sign/symptom I would have PCOS. My periods have always been incredibly regular. My cycle is 27-29 days and usually right at 28. For the last 5 years or so since I quit taking BCP's my period has been 3 days. At least until the last 3 months which it has become 4 to 5 days. Usually a pretty light period. I don't seem to have the long cycles or anything else associated with PCOS. I know I'm worrying about something before I even know if it's going to be an issue which is counter productive and a waste of time but I can't help thinking/feeling that I am going to have a difficult time getting pregnant if I'm able to at all. I also realize that part of that feeling is related to the pessimistic side of my self. For the most part, I am a pretty positive person, try to be happy and optimistic about stuff. Work and stuff like that always seems to go ok in the long run. However when it comes to personal relationships I have a tendency to feel like the things I want or desire are the things that never happen and no matter how hard I try or whatever, it always feels like it doesn't come easy. It is mostly men and the lack of any in my life that has left me feeling this way and I do know that it could be because I go about things wrong, or like the wrong guys, or self defeating thinking or whatever but it just feels like marriage and children are the 2 things that I can remember wanting as far back as I can remember. And it feels like the marriage part has always been just out of my reach. No matter how much I try or whatever, it never happens or works out. Now the whole pregnancy idea is starting to feel the same way. And yes I am aware that it is stupid to feel like this when I've only tried once so far with AI. I'm just scared though that it will never happen. I was able to adjust myself to the idea that marriage may never happen. As much as I would like to believe it will eventually and as many times as I've heard "you'll meet someone, you're such a great person" I know that not everyone who wants marriage gets it. I don't know if I could adjust to the idea though of never having kids. So I'm trying not to stress. I did ask for some days off in a row in June though so that I could go home and do an AI and hope it works. That superstitious TTC'er part of me thinks that the timing could be awesome as I am due to ovulate around my birthday, the first day of summer (which is probably my favorite day of the year) and the anniversary of my dad's death which would be what better time to start a new life. Now lets hope I get the days off.
On the schedule note, I got my work schedule through the first part of June and it SUCKS. I have no more than 2 days in a row off for the next 5 weeks which takes me up pretty close to the end of my contract. That basically makes it difficult to go do much for my time here unless it's within about 2 hours drive. I was really hoping to go to LA but I don't know if I will get a chance to. I'm pretty certain that I will not be signing another contract with this hospital in July. I'm hoping that the first hospital North of San Francisco will offer a contract. I got to thinking about it and that hospital and required an RN who was ACLS certified which I wasn't so that possibly is why they never offered a contract. So I'm planning to do my ACLS certification here in the next few weeks so I will be when this contract is up which should give me more opportunities.
I'm not sure what my plans are for this 2 days off stretch. I don't think I will try to make it to King's Canyon tomorrow as I realized something the other day. There are letterboxes that have been placed in King's Canyon and I don't have my letterboxing kit with me. So I e-mailed J and asked him to get it and mail it to me. I will go up there when I have the kit so I can do that while I'm there. Now I'm sure many of you are thinking "what the heck is letterboxing" so if you are interested in it here is a link www.letterboxing.org , it's kind of like a treasure hunt or geocaching if you've heard of that. I stumbled across it a few years back while researching a completely unrelated topic and thought it sounded like fun and it really is. It's great to do with Sadie because it gets us out on some very interesting walks. So that's my week so far. Hope everyone else's is going good and congrats to Tracey and her 6 fertilized eggies, hope the transfer and TWW go great.