Still Here

I'm still here and am doing ok, sort of. I have been surprisingly unstressed for the first half of the TWW. I really wasn't stressing about it or worrying about it much at all. Way less than last time. Until Thursday. Now I'm thinking about it almost constantly. Up until Thursday I was feeling really optimistic. I was feeling great as I knew I had timed my AI's well and I am positive I ovulated. I had symptoms of progesterone in my body that was there naturally. Those symptoms seem to be fading. Maybe I'm just paranoid but my boobs don't hurt as much. Not really noticing much of anything else. I think part of it is that on Thursday I went to get my 7 dpo progesterone level drawn which of course was much more difficult this week than it was last week. They said something about I hope they don't lose this blood as they keep doing that. WHAT!!!! So they drew my blood, I asked the results to be called to my doctor and I called that afternoon and my doctors nurse told me my level had been 1.6 and I hadn't ovulated. I'm freaking out because I am positive I did ovulate and I'm trying to tell her that and she notices that this is the result from the week before. Ok, so I relaxed, slightly. She was going to call and see if she could find the results and she call me the next day, what would be a good time to call. I said I would be in bed by 9 or so in the AM. Of course I sort of heard the phone ring around noon and couldn't drag myself out of bed to answer it in the other room, I thought I'd call back when I woke up. Well the message was that the lab here says they don't have my blood, only the 1 test from a week ago. I call the office back, they are of course gone for the weekend. Shit. I try calling the lab here to figure out what they did with my blood. I'm told that she doesn't know what the main lab was talking about, the second test is right there in the computer, she can see it, it's just not done yet as it can take up to 5 days. What the hell are they doing, building the damn machine? I've worked in a lab before, this is not a difficult test. And I know they can do it faster if it's ordered STAT as they did last week. Of course also thanks to HIPPA my lab results are protected information and therefore I can't have access to that information unless I have permission from my doctor (who won't be available until Monday). Am I the only one this seems absolutely ridiculous to? It's my health information and HIPPA is supposed to protect my private health information, basically from me. I have to have someone else's permission to see my own health information. So, I left for work early and was running around trying to find progesterone cream to use. I am seriously considering those stupid online drug companies that are always advertising drugs without a prescription so that I can get some prometrium just to relieve my mind. So basically the last couple of days my confidence has taken a hit and I'm feeling less than optimistic at this time. I'm feeling that "what if it never happens for me" feeling again. It's starting to again feel like this is all part of the unreachable dream that I'm forever chasing. I think I liked blind optimism better. I truly felt for the first week like "of course this would work" now, I don't know what I think. I haven't been tempted by pregnancy tests yet though so that's something. I've got 4. I still don't know when I will test.