Strange Dreams and Other Happenings

I have had some of the strangest dreams lately. The night before last I dreamed that Oprah wanted to kill me because of my striped socks, which had something to do with a bomb that she wanted and she had to kill me to get the socks, to get the bomb and I was trying to stop her from getting the bomb and the socks. Then last night I dreamed that my cousin wanted me to help her blow up a building (yes I know there is a theme here about bombs and I'm not sure where it's coming from) during some event and I wasn't supposed to get in any trouble. I helped because I didn't really think she would do it but she did and then she told me that she wasn't going to jail alone, she was taking me down with her. In addition to all of this, I was about 8 months pregnant and kept feeling my belly and wondering what was going to happen to my baby. Like I said, very strange. Not much else going on. I didn't really do anything on my days off. I did explore Fresno some but not much else. I am sort of running short on money until I start getting paychecks here so I didn't go anywhere. But I found a bunch of brochures in the laundry room at my hotel for places to go. I have plans.
Other news, I spoke with D and he said he went by my house last Sunday and Sadie wasn't out in the yard and I told him that it was because J. took him to my friends house. I'm feeling a bit better about the situation now. However I'm trying to figure something out. The hotel has it's upsides such as not having to buy toilet paper and that everything is here but it also has it's down sides. It's noisy during the day, not good for a day sleeper, there is no oven which is already getting annoying, having to plan for a day I will stay here all day so that they can come clean the room and me not lose my cats. I also had spoke with other travelers who brought their animals (dogs) and are in apartments. If I look in the paper there are apartments for $600 or so but I'm not sure how it would work with deposits etc and they are unfurnished. Could I get by with buying an air mattress and a few necessary items to survive? If I could and then to could take it all with me from location to location, in the long run I could do better with rent etc, much cheaper than where I'm staying now. Other option is to find a furnished apartment which would be a bit more expensive than where I am now but it would be more private, possibly be furnished a bit better, be more convenient and I could have my dog (wouldn't do it if I couldn't get Sadie). I think for now, I may just try to stay here but for my next assignment I may let my agency find my housing. At least that way they pay the rent and utilities and I can get a better place and have Sadie. Can you tell I miss my doggie. Well, I think I should go get my laundry before it disappears.

Monday

Well, my first couple of nights at work went pretty good. I met some really great people to work with and the work seems good. The wing I will be working on eventually is a new wing and it is the wing where prisoners who are hospitalized and isolation patients will be kept. I'm more bothered by the isolation patients just because it's a pain in the butt. Of course adjusting to new procedures is a bit of an adjustment but otherwise, all is good. I talked with J. (house sitter) today and he told me that he had taken Sadie up to K's (my friend) house this weekend and she played with K's dog and had a great time. So now I'm not sure what to think. He said Sadie had seemed blue with me gone but was doing better. I need to call my neighbor again and ask what she's seen. He does seem to be taking good care of my house as he said he fixed the vacuum, apparently it was clogged which doesn't surprise me with as much as Sadie sheds.
On the TTC or cycle or whatever front, I realized something the last couple of days. It seems like AF has been a lot heavier the last few months since I did AI in February. I know it could be totally unrelated but my periods have been quite a bit heavier and have last longer. Only about a day but longer. Also I've had more cramping, usually cramping only lasts 1 day but I'm on my 3rd day and am still having some minor cramps. I am thinking maybe I should call my doctor and ask if I need to have anything checked out. It just seems weird but maybe I'm over reacting. Imagine that. Me, over reacting.

Back to Nights

Well, tonight will be my first night shift. I'm actually looking forward to it. Things have been very chaotic this week but I'm keeping my attitude positive, I think. After my short orientation on Wednesday when I was told she would call me and let me know about my schedule, I ended up taking a nap and it was too late to call the person who was supposed to call me when I woke up. So, the next morning, my phone rings at 9:30 am and it's her asking why I'm not at work, I was supposed to be there at 7 and she had left me a message the day before. As of now, I've still not ever received a message. Anyways, I showed up 3.5 hours late for work that day but no one seemed to be bothered by it. I ended up being done really early that day and again on Friday which was computer orientation. So, I'm not going to come anywhere close to the 48 hours I'm supposed to get this week. My paycheck may suck big time. At computer orientation, I met another traveler who has a nice apartment she is staying in and I'm going to look into that and see if it's a cheaper option than where I'm at now. Then this morning I got a phone call from one of my neighbors at home saying that Sadie is outside and alone all the time and seems so lonely and the neighbor didn't even know if he was bringing her inside at night. So now I'm not sure how to broach the subject with J. about how Sadie is doing and her being alone so much. I've gotten a couple of messages from him saying she is doing fine. The neighbor said not to tell him that she called me. I did call D. and ask him to stop by once in a while to see Sadie. I just don't know what to think. I know that Sadie misses me, she hates it when I leave. I'm trying not to worry about her. That's not working very well. So, more stress.
Otherwise things are ok. I'm making plans for things I want to do while I'm here. I want to drive up to Yosemite, I found out there is a zoo here and so want to go to that. There's some place called Kings Canyon and I'm not sure what it is but I may go there. I really would like to go to LA for a couple of days and go to Disneyland and Universal Studios. Also would like to go to San Francisco and go to the Great America park and ride the rollercoasters. Also I'm trying to figure out when I'm going start TTC. I am hating waiting. I had thought to try again in July but I hate waiting that long. I am so anxious to get started and I hate the idea of waiting (also my impatience showing through). Every time I go through a cycle and notice the increase in CM etc, I feel like I'm wasting an opportunity to try and it drives me nuts. I just don't want to wait anymore. But I know I need to wait at least a couple more months. Maybe I could go home for a couple of days in June to try. I'll have to wait and see what the schedule is like.

Short Day

Well, my day that began at 7am ended at 11am. I got to the office I was supposed to go to and was told, oh you didn't get the message that you weren't supposed to come today?? No. I wish I had, I could have slept later. Oh well. Not totally sure how that works with my timecard/pay but I will figure it out. I have been out exploring some. Fresno is way bigger than I would have thought it was based on looking at it on a map. I also found the hospital yesterday which is good. It looks like a really large hospital. I'm excited to get started. The last 2 days the weather has been fantastic but it's cold and rainy/cloudy today. That's ok though as it is probably needed anyways and I had no plans that are ruined. The kitties are doing good. They seem to have adjusted fine. I got a text message from J. (the housesitter) this morning saying that house and Sadie were both fine. Not much else going on. I thought of a question though that if anyone has input I would appreciate. A comment to my last post mentioned to have progesterone level rechecked because clomid may not raise it enough. I have that covered in that I had a prescription for a progesterone level to be done at 7 dpo the month I AI. I had asked about Progesterone supplements and she said she didn't feel it was necessary at this time because I've never had a miscarriage but to check levels at 7 dpo. Ok, well the whole I've never had a miscarriage thing doesn't reassure me much since I've never had an opportunity to miscarry. If I wait until 7 dpo for the level, is that too late to start supplements and still have bean be ok??? I thought about going out and getting the progesterone cream and just doing that but then my 7 dpo level will not be an accurate picture of what is really going on. But I would hate to actually get a BFP and then miscarry because I don't have progesterone supplements. But then I understand the whole not taking unnecessary meds. Again, any input would be good.

Life on the Road

Well, I finally made it to Fresno today. Today was a short drive as I had stopped in Turlock to stay with a friend but yesterday I drove 10.5 hours from Portland, Or to Turlock, Ca. The trip for the most part went fairly well. Luna stayed under my seat for the entire day on Saturday and Sara was under there too for most of that day. Yesterday Luna finally came out around Medford, Or but then went back under the seat until we got to Turlock and today she actually stayed out. However Sara decided today that she was just DONE with being in the car and pretty much bitched all the way. Poor baby. They seem content now. I am staying at an Extended Stay America hotel where I have furniture, cable TV, high speed internet and a kitchenette where I can cook etc. I think it will work well and I start work on Wednesday. I will be able to blog etc the whole trip as I brought my laptop with me. Lots was happening before I left. My doctors appt on Friday with my ob/gyn went well (really well, I didn't have to get on the scales). She said my egg reserve was good but progesterone was low. So, I have a prescription for Clomid to take on the cycle I'm going to AI and I will let her know at the beginning of the month (June or July depending on work schedules) before I do it and then go home for the actual AI which she will do. At this point, I'm planning to go home for it because I just don't feel up to the task of changing my address/dealing with shipping from NW and I definitely don't feel up to the task of finding another doctor who will be size friendly. I also at the very last minute found someone to house sit for me. I had dinner with a friend Friday night and was saying that I wished I had someone who could just stay at my house without me moving my stuff out and watch my dog etc. She said her boyfriend was looking for a place as he just found out he had to move. So, we got together, discussed terms and he's staying at my house and watching my dog. So, D doesn't have to (he was glad as he doesn't have a fenced yard) and I don't have to worry about something happening to my house while I'm gone with it being empty. What a relief. So, it is all working out well. I'm excited to be here and be starting a new job. It smells so nice here, like flowers and spring which I had forgotten about since I was in California last year but I think my allergies are going to go nuts. I also want to explore a bit more while I'm here although it may take me a while to find my way around Fresno. I am completely turned around so far and still need to find the hospital. Well, I better finish for now so I can catch up on everyone else before I collapse. Oh and no pics of the hairdo yet as I don't have anyone to take the pic yet. I'm working on it.

My Little Helper and Crazy Fleece Quilt

So I had some time the other day and was making receiving blankets (very easy, just hem a piece of flannel) and decided I should finish my fleece quilt that I had started a year ago. I did the top of it from scraps of fleece I had but never put a back on it. I had to cut it down as I got a bit carried away with sewing blocks together (yes I've mentioned this quilt before) and originally the quilt was larger than a king size bed and I couldn't even manage to fold it on my own. So, I was sewing the back on it and my dear Luna decided that I needed help.

And here is the finished quilt, it's a bit wacky in colors etc but it's very cozy and even though I'm not a very good sewer, I made it.

Now as far as work is going, it's all moving along although I will admit to being a bit stressed out. The hospital north of San Francisco kept saying they wanted me to come down there and work for them but never gave an official ok and I still do not have a contract with them and I was supposed to leave tomorrow. Earlier this week my agent asked if he could submit me to a different hospital and I agreed even though the area where it's at isn't as favorable to me. So as of this morning, I still had heard nothing. My agent called and said the 2nd hospital wanted to interview me and they should be calling back in an hour. Well, they didn't. I talked to him several times during the day and told him I was stressing out. By 3pm I was starting to wonder why virtually everything I do in life starts off with just falling naturally into place and ends up feeling like a total clusterf*ck. Finally at 4:10 someone called (I had told them I wouldn't be available from 4:30-6 because of a hair appt) and said I was supposed to call someone for the interview and gave me a number. So I called this person and she wasn't expecting me and had no idea who I was or what I was calling her for. She told me they had no med/surg travel assignments (what I'm supposed to be doing), they had filled them all today and only had rehab left. Finally she checked somewhere else and realized that I was one of the med/surg nurses that they had planned to hire so she talked to me a bit and then said they would be sending the contract over to the agency tomorrow. Then when I left my hair appointment I had a message from someone else about interviewing me and I called her and she was saying it was for a different position etc but after talking to her, she also said they would send the contract over. So, I have to admit here, I don't know if I spoke with 2 people from the same facility or if I spoke with 2 people from different facilities. The 2nd lady I talked to was the call I had been waiting for all day as she mentioned that she was supposed to call me earlier and didn't get to it. Possibly the 1st person was someone my agent got in touch with to talk to me just to help me relax (I told him I was gaining weight by the minute) but wasn't the person who I was originally supposed to interview with. Also the 2nd lady I spoke with said my application didn't have an references listed so maybe that's why the 1st hospital never contacted me. That's frustrating since I gave them references and I spoke to one of my references and she said she hadn't been contacted yet. Oh well. For now I have a job (I think it's in Fresno) and it's for 13 weeks. Then I can stay or go somewhere else. But I have a job. And a new haircut with new highlights so I'm feeling better. But oh boy do I hope that it all goes smoother from here out.

Snow Gone

Well thank goodness the snow didn't stick much or last. Today was sunny and beautiful but cold. I got a lot more done today. Dog had shots after I located my vet again. She has moved several times in the last couple of years trying to find the right fit and I have followed her from office to office as she knows my animals so well and takes such good care of them. She even did a complimentary nail clipping which was what brought on the whole Sadie needs shots thing as Petsmart wouldn't make an appointment to groom her (including nail clipping) unless she was up to date on vaccines. Also licensed Sadie, loaded up all the goodwill stuff in my garage to be delivered tomorrow. Dr. appt done, and drivers license renewed. Almost done with my list. And I'm packing now. I also decided tonight to make myself an new bed buddy which is the microwave pack things that are full of seeds or rice and they are for sore muscles etc. Yes, I know many of you were thinking of something else when I said bed buddy but no, that's Bob. Anyways, the bed buddy of course didn't go quite as planned. I have a small one that has flax seed in it and it's great as it provides a really good moist and long lasting heat but it's too small. So I decided to make me a new one that was bigger using fleece from a quilt that I am making that is partially done but that originally was way to big as I got a bit carried away with sewing blocks together. So I had these scraps and sewed together a bag and then went to add the flax seed. Which had a hole in the bag. And didn't pour into the fleece bag thing very well. Needless to say, I have flax seed now from one end of my house to the other. It's everywhere. And I have a crappy vacuum that isn't picking it up. And my cats are eating them. In spite of the mess though my bed buddy is done. So not too much left to do other than clean my house so it's not super dirty to come home to. And finish packing. All in all it's going pretty well and I'm sort of excited to leave.

I Can't Freakin Believe It

It's SNOWING!!!!!!! Kind of hard to tell from pic but it actually seems to be sticking a little bit. It's April 2nd and it's snowing. Granted, the weather person last night said it might, and so far it's just flurries, and it's supposed to get up to like 70 by the end of the week. But right now, it's snowing. Most of the time I love living in the inland northwest, this isn't one of those times. Well, I have a big list of things I need to get done this week and I am on my way to actually having them done. I got new tabs for my car, opened a new savings account at my bank, forms for new job notarized, appointment made for dog's shots, left message for a friend who I am using as a reference, I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and then will see my ob/gyn on Friday. Still have a bunch of stuff to do though. I should get busy again. I also should maybe put on warmer clothes. In an effort to think positive, I put on capri's and sandals this morning. It actually was sunny this morning, didn't last though. Oh and I have to teach my technology challenged friend who will be watching my house how to use the washing machine and the cable TV. That should be fun.

Saturday

So, with all of the stuff I need to get done in the next week, what did I do today?? None of the things I need to have done in the next week. I went for a bike ride with a friend. Yesterday was such a beautiful warm day that we made plans to go for a bike ride this morning. This morning, not so beautiful or warm but not raining so off we went after some maneuvering to get both bikes in the back of his truck. I took my beach cruiser bike which is fun to ride (on flat surfaces anyways) and very high on the cute factor. He has an old 10 speed that he's had for ages I'm sure as he never throws anything away. Where we went, was not so flat, a lot of hills really although most weren't huge hills, they were hills none the less. I think I should have taken my mountain bike although since I hadn't rode all winter, maybe it wouldn't have made a damn bit of difference. We went 4 miles, I did have to get off a few times to push the bike up the hill, and I made him stop once for a rest as I was dying. Going down the hills was fun yelling wheeeeeeeee all the way down. I'm sure I was a sight. Of course the nurse in me kicks in on one down hill stretch to say, gee if I crashed at this speed, it would really hurt. When I got home, I noticed a very small amount of pink when I went to the bathroom on the tp. Sorry if TMI but it's just odd. I'm not due for AF for 2 weeks. I'm due to or already have ovulated within the last few days. yesterday had EW CM and of course as I do every month, I thought, ooooh, I could try to get pregnant. Sure, if I had a ready source of sperm which I don't. Anyways, I've never spotted in between periods. I just don't. So now I'm freaking out again, wondering what is up with my body. Tomorrow I need to start packing to get ready go. Oh and I also noticed something else odd today. I have/had a house key hidden outside as I have a habit of locking myself out. It was in a strategic place that I never would have dreamed of except I found a key hidden there from previous owner when I was up on a ladder last fall. So I hid my new key there since I had changed the locks on my house. Well, I went to show my friend who will be watching my house where it was today, and it's not there. I have no idea how long it's been gone. I suppose I may have forgotten that I took it down at some point but it's not there and I'm a little freaked out. D. said that if someone found it, they would have likely already broken in to my house but now I'm trying to decide if I need to change my locks before I leave. Crap, something else to do.

Still Waiting

Ok, I'm still waiting to have an official contract which is making me a little nervous although I have been told that they are really interested in me. I believe that they are checking my references which is the delay. But yes, it all is still moving along very quickly. As for questions I've received, each assignment is for 13 weeks. They guarantee me 3 shifts per week which is 36 hours (full time for nursing, it's 12 hour shifts). I can also pick up additional shifts if I want to and plan to try to get at least one extra shift per week for most of my 1st assignment anyways. If I get pregnant prior to taking another assignment then I likely won't be doing overtime much but for now, I should be fine and it's close to 500 dollars for an extra shift. I still feel like I can give AI as shot as it is only a 13 week assignment and if I got pregnant at home, I would still be working as long as I was able, so what difference does it make if I work elsewhere. The only thing is that I probably wouldn't take an assignment after say 22 or 23 weeks as that would put me pretty close to my due date when the assignment was finished, unless the assignment was in Seattle which is basically close to home. The housing is by several different options. One, they can provide you a one bedroom apt that is furnished and they pay the rent, 2 the can put you in one of the extended stay hotels (the rooms have kitchenettes?) and they pay the rent, or 3 they pay you the money and you find your own place to rent. I'm sort of opting for 3 as I am taking my cats with me. Both cats have heart problems and I don't have anyone I can leave them with who will give them their meds. My friend offered to watch my dog but then last night when I told him I was going, acted put out by the idea of keeping Sadie. It would be much easier to travel without her. But I suppose I may end up looking for an apartment where I can possibly have her. I do pretty much need something that is furnished as I'm not taking my furniture. I'm going down there with what fits in the car. I'm pretty excited about going to the San Francisco region. I only visited there once for one day when I lived in California last year and would loved to have seen more. I'm excited that I will get the chance to. And yes Tracey, I would love to get together for lunch or dinner or something.
One interesting thing about my cycle this month. I have never gotten a high reading on my CBFM, it always goes from low to peak. This month, I'm getting a high. I wonder if I will get a peak and if so, if the high reading is related to the fact that I'm sleeping at night (sort of, not as much lately though) and awake during the day. I hope the whole night/day thing doesn't matter too much with TTC as I will be working nights on my travel position.

Welcome To My Rollercoaster

Well, things are moving along for me here. Much faster than I had thought they would. Yikes. I am pretty sure I have a position lined up but the contract has not actually come through yet so I'm reluctant to say it's for sure yet. It's a hospital in Northern California, a little north of San Francisco. The hospital has seen my qualifications and said that if references etc check out, they do for sure want me. Now it's just waiting for things to check out. If it all keeps going along as planned, they want me to start on April 9th. Oooh, wow. That's a little over a week away. So, I am frantically trying to get my paperwork turned in so that I can get approved and also trying to get things prepared so that I can leave. I have to figure out what I'm taking with me (basically clothes etc that will fit in my car) And when I will actually leave. I had wanted to leave next Friday morning as that would give me a couple days to get there and a day to recover from the drive before I actually start work. But I also want to get in to see my ob/gyn before I go and get the prescription for clomid before I go and the first appointment available is Friday afternoon at 3pm. I have asked that they put me on a list and I will try really hard to be available to them all next week and hope they can get me in sooner. Or I suppose I could leave right after appointment and just hit Portland around 10pm but I really wanted to be there earlier as I am stopping to visit a friend. Then was planning to drive all the next day to my final destination. That is going to be a sucky long drive. Yuck. So, I'm not totally sure what I'm going to do yet. I did give notice at work yesterday and they seemed to take it pretty well. The charge nurse I work with came and talked to me today and said they were so sorry to see me go as they really liked me and I was a really good nurse. That was nice to hear. Well, I have to go find a fax to get stuff sent off. Wish me luck.

Decision??

Well, I am pretty sure I've made my decision as far as work goes. I am going to give travel nursing a shot. It's been a difficult decision as it's a big change and something of a risk. I had one friend who was very negative about the whole idea but then again, this is a person who has worked as a "lot boy" at a car dealership where he HATES his job for like 22 year because he can't handle the idea or process of change. Also he would never dream of leaving his house for more than a weekend, forget several months. However, flip side is that he said he would watch my house and my dog if need be. I also spoke with my best friend R. and she was supportive. She agreed that it would give me a chance to try something I had thought many times of doing before I got pregnant, it would be pretty good money, it would give me a chance to potentially experience different areas of nursing to see if I can gain a better idea of specifically what kind of nursing I want to do. She also pointed out that I don't have to decide now, what to do when I've had my fill of travel nursing. I can wait until I've done it for 3-6 or 9 months, and then see what options are available and where I want to go. Then I had something happen today that made me feel like I really was making the right decision. I had a job interview, that I was completely unqualified for the job. It was one of the shortest interviews I've ever had as I got there and the person interviewing me told me what she was looking for in an RN. The office is a gynecology and urogynecology office and they do a lot of out patient procedures and near as I could tell, don't have an RN on staff to do this. Their OR/procedure room isn't set up the way it should be etc and they are looking for someone with surgical experience to set up their OR. I have absolutely no experience with this what so ever. None. I told her that I was not qualified to help them with that which was kind of disappointing as I have been hoping to find some type of day surgery position. At that point, she told me they would keep my resume as somewhere down the road once they had their OR set up and running and had done some expanding that they are planning to do, they will need another RN to work with them. I asked her to please do keep me in mind and explained that I had been considering taking a traveling assignment for a while and that it would be nice to possibly have a job to come back to. She seemed to think that was a great idea and said that she would definitely keep me in mind for future positions. Even if that position doesn't work out, I guess I now feel better about my decision to go ahead and travel and that when I do get done, something will work itself out. I'm a nurse, there are lots of jobs. So, I have the name of a travel staffing agency and a contact there, courtesy of a friend who has been with this particular agency for like a year and a half and I'm looking for my next adventure. Oh, and my plans are to try AI again in a couple of months while I'm traveling (come home to Spokane for Dr assisted IUI if at all possible either during an assignment or between assignments).

Results

So, I had my progesterone level drawn 2 weeks ago and finally just heard back from the doctors office. Of course I am so forgetful it's not even funny so I didn't call them either. Anyways, the doctor's nurse said my ovulation was borderline, I think she said results were 9.9 (not positive this is right) and that the doctor wants me to take Clomid with my next try to improve my ovulation. I'm wondering if this means I also need prometrium supplements?? So, I'm glad I found this out now, after using 2 vials of $200 dollar a piece sperm instead of later after many more vials but I also am now feeling a bit like I am entering for sure the whole difficult to get pregnant game which scares me. It scares me because what if the Clomid doesn't work. If I end up needing/wanting to go to IVF will the new doctor refuse me because of my weight? I know the whole what if game is endless and ridiculous to play but I can't seem to stop it. Not that I mind taking Clomid. Not at all, I'm just afraid of what Clomid signifies. That I am probably not able to get pregnant on my own, with out medical intervention. So, my theory is that if I'm going to do the Clomid, I may as well to the trigger shots so at least we know we are getting the timing right. Then there is the worry about multiples. I would freak if I had triplets or more. I would be scared also if I had twins but not as much. There is a reason for that. I want to have 2 kids, would love to have 2 kids. I don't know if I will be able to manage getting pregnant twice or if I will manage to have 2 pregnancies that go ok. I've read enough of Looky Daddy's blog to know that I would have to be crazy to wish for twins. But there is a part of me (yes I know it's the crazy part of me) that thinks that having twins might be my only chance at having 2 kids. So while I'm not really wishing for twins, I would make do, once I got over the panic of "oh shit, how do I raise 2 babies alone" (yes, I realize that might not go away before they turn 18).
As far as work. It's going. I am mostly ok with the job but still not ok with the benefits. I just can't really see any way they work for me. I really want to go do some travel nursing but I suppose my big fear there is that once I decide I'm done doing travel nursing, I won't be able to find a permanent job here in Spokane. Would I be ok with moving to the Seattle area? Yeah, probably as there are a lot more job options there although I really like Spokane. I guess what it comes down to is that I want to do the travel nursing but I am afraid to jump in as it seems like every time I make a decision, it ends up feeling like the wrong one.

Spring Has Sprung

Well I think spring has finally decided to arrive in the NW. Of course I could get a surprise of snow tomorrow for all I know, its happened before. I had all these plans to clean my house this weekend. The bathroom needs a good scouring as does the kitchen. The rest of the house needs tidying up. So what did I do with my day yesterday? I went outside and played in the dirt!! I had went to Costco and they had some perennials 3 pots for 10.49 so I bought 2 flats of these ground cover plants with pretty little purple flowers. And I figured that since they are perennials and would be outside year round anyways, that I would go ahead and plant them, even if it likely will freeze again. So, I set about digging holes in my flower bed to plant the flowers. And ran into blue plastic bubble wrap stuff. Apparently a former owner of my house got the brilliant idea to take what appears to be a pool cover and cut it up to fit the size of the flower beds, then dump a couple inches of soil on top. The few mums that were planted in this bed were sitting on top of the plastic (explains why they looked so weird last year) and in order to really plant my flowers, I would have to cut holes in the plastic. I decided instead that the plastic must go. So it took me a while but I dug it all up. And was covered in dirt pretty much from head to foot. But it looks much nicer now and the dirt is all freshly turned and ready for more planting. I also cleaned up all the poop in the yard and now Sadie isn't sure what to do with herself as all the designated poopy places are gone. Going to the bathroom last night was even more of a chore than usual. That absolute perfect spot now much more elusive than before.
On the job front, I'm back to work tomorrow. I am sort of thinking again of taking off for a while and doing some travel nursing. That would give me a chance to figure out what kind of nursing I want to do. Plus I could probably afford to just pay my cobra benefits from my last job so I would still have ok benefits. I could still try the AI's while I was elsewhere and still be working towards getting pregnant. I could have a friend and my neighbors watch my house and if I did it for 3-6 months, would likely make enough money that I could pay off my bills. If I take an actual assignment, they pay my housing where I'm at and guarantee me a set number of hours. I'd probably be back to night shift but that's ok for a while. So, it's a thought.

Dogs Are Gross

They really are gross. I love my Sadie Sunshine to pieces but she is really gross. I took her for a walk along the river today and it's spring, and all the ducks and geese are hanging out on the pathway this time of year because the waters high and there are good pickings in the mud farther up the bank. Well, they do their ducky/goosey thing and leave their little "packages" along the pathway. My goofy dog is running from dropping to dropping totally chowing down on these lovely large goose poopies. What is it about poop that makes a dog want to eat it!?!?! And you know, I've seen the products advertised in catalogs that are supposed to stop stool eating, but duh, they only work if you dog eats it's own. No, miss Sadie is much to prissy for that. If we are out in the yard playing ball, and I happen to toss the ball into the "poopy place" which has become a better part of one side of the yard since I haven't scooped in a while, she refuses to touch the ball. She'll walk over and if the ball is within a foot a something, she will turn up her nose and walk away, deciding that she really didn't want to play ball anyways. But she will happily eat any other form of poop. Yuck!! Her breath was so bad on the way home that I could smell it all the way from the back of the car.
On the job front things are plugging along. The job itself is fine. I do lots of IV starts. Turns out I'm pretty good at them for the most part. Part of it is that I'm having a hard time being excited about a job that I never would have accepted if I'd known then what I know now. I know that there are a lot of people who have horrible benefits and all but I've never really had benefits this bad. Plus, I gave up money too to take the job. Technically, it was a 50 cents an hour difference from my base wage. However, I also lost $3 an hour in shift differential for working nights. I told myself not to think about that as I would have lost that anyways by going to a day shift at the hospital. But then there is also the raise I would have gotten in another 2 weeks which was another $3 dollars. So total, I gave up $6.50 an hour and really great benefits for a job with shitty benefits. I don't want to be flaky (believe it or not, I'm not usually a flaky individual) but this really doesn't work for me. It basically postpones my baby quest further as I would need to have more of a savings for "just in case" and medical bills associated with a normal or not so normal delivery. So, I really don't know what I'm going to do or what I want to do.

First Day

Well, the first day at my new job was ok. Part of it was just boring as the HIPAA stuff and OSHA stuff is almost the same everywhere you go, at least in healthcare anyways. Luckily it didn't take me nearly as long to finish it as they said it would. Right now though I am trying really hard (and failing miserably) to not be discouraged about the benefits. They SUCK! I had asked about them before I accepted the job and was told who the provider was and while they weren't my favorite choice, I was willing to accept that. I knew there was no cost to me for medical but I did have to pay dental. At my previous job in the hospital for my benefits which included medical, dental, vision, long and short term disability (and I also accrued sick pay just because I was an employee) I was paying 64.00 a month for me. My plan paid 80 percent of everything, there was no deductible and not much was a problem as long as I used our hospital when able to. For this new plan there is no vision, dental will cost 34-52 a month depending on what plan I choose, there is no short term disability (her statement of "we give very generous sick pay so that is like your short term disability" wasn't much consolation if I end up on maternity leave for pre-eclampsia or something else) and the deductible for myself on the medical plan is a whopping 750.00. Once I have a baby, my premiums will go up to almost 300 a month for medical and the deductible goes up to over 2000 dollars. Needless to say I'm incredibly frustrated. Oh and prescriptions are practically triple what I pay now. I had never thought to actually see a copy of what the benefits were prior to accepting the job, now I wish I had.

Baby Fair

I went to a Baby Fair today and what fun that was. It was mostly vendors selling stuff but I saw some really cool stuff. There were a couple of different photography places that had some amazing photos of pregnant bellies and little babies. Some freebie sample stuff and lots of prize drawings. I did sign up for a few of them but felt funny signing up when I'm not even pregnant. Most people assured me it was ok to sign up even though I was still in the trying stage. I did have one lady ask me in what seemed like a serious tone, "you're not pregnant, why are you here" It was a fun morning though. Plus there were lots of babies there. Maybe next year, I will be pregnant when the Baby Fair happens. I've done a little bit of house cleaning. I'm still pretty tired trying to adjust from nights to days. Tomorrow I start my new job and I am very excited about that. Oh, at the baby fair I ran into a nurse who used to work in the NICU whom I met when I worked in the lab and ended up drawing blood on her son. She asked how life was in the NICU and I told her I hadn't liked it as well as I thought I would. She was sympathetic and said it was good that I figured it out sooner rather than later and hoped I would like my new job. I also ran into a unit secretary who used to work at the hospital I was at. He was a sweet guy who one year on Valentines day after hearing my usual "I hate Valentines Day" came down to the lab with a little bracelet thing that his wife had bought a bunch of for him to give to the girls at work. Anyways, a fun day all around and I think I'm going to head to bed early tonight and be ready for tomorrow.

Done

I apologize in advance, this one is kind of long.
Well, I'm all done with working in the NICU, at least at the hospital I've been at. And of course it was out with a bang. I had 2 fussy baby's (ok, so maybe twins would make me nuts) out of 3 (definitely don't want triplets) one of which is supposed to go home maybe tomorrow and I think she had decided to stay. She was looking like she was maybe getting sick. End of shift brought stat lab draws, x-rays and calls to the doctor. It's been an interesting week. On Thursday night about 4 different people brought treats for a going away thing, then last night someone else did. But there were other people who didn't say anything to me. I don't know if they didn't know I was leaving or didn't care. I also had the opportunity to work with another nurse who has done the SMBC thing. I have had many people tell me I should talk to her but I didn't really know her that well so didn't feel comfortable bringing it up really but we sort of ended up talking about it anyways. I got some good advice and some advice that wasn't asked for. She had tried quite a few times with IUI before moving to IVF. She said that if she were to do it again, she wouldn't have waited so long to move to IVF. She had heard a lot worse statistics about clomid (and multiples) than what I've seen on the NW chat board. She also recommended that I spend the time necessary to be totally financially sound and have lots of sick time, and that I absolutely not scoop my cat boxes. As far as the cat boxes go, there is no one else to scoop them, they are totally indoor cats and research I've found states that while not optimal if you glove up and wash well, it shouldn't be an issue. She seemed a little irritated with me that I didn't agree with her completely which left me actually feeling better about the money part of her suggestion. I had started feeling like maybe I was crazy, making a big mistake not spending the next 2 years or so paying things off before trying. In a perfect world I would have no bills before I got pregnant, but then in a perfect world I would be married to a rich husband and money would not be an issue. Since I don't live in a perfect world I will have to make do. Granted, I know that I won't have anyone else to fall back on but there are many couples who "accidentally" get pregnant and rely on 2 incomes and have no one else to fall back on. I will likely never be debt free. I will get by. It may not be easy but I will. And I'm older than she is, I don't have another 10 years to work at it, I have MAYBE 5 or 6 and that's really pushing it since I have no idea when my birth mother started menopause or anything else. I also don't know how many tries it will take and if I will have to move on to more invasive measures. I also don't have the luxury of being able to move back in with my parents so that I can do this. Although I admit that even if it was an option, I would NEVER move back in with my mom. So that was my talking to the SMBC nurse I work with. It was also a week that showed me again, why I need to leave the NICU environment. More of the drug exposed babies, and worst case scenarios that make me want to cry/puke/freak all at the same time. There was apparently a c-section this week for a baby that they knew probably wasn't going to make it but it went even worse than they expected. One of our new nurses (brand new, first job, just graduated) who was 12 weeks pregnant herself happened to be there observing. I guess they had to send her home as she was crying so much and I don't think she has been back. I feel bad for her. If it had been me I would have probably needed years of therapy. So, I have done the right thing. I knew that before, I feel better about it now although I will really miss the people that I worked with. I really liked most everyone and will really miss many of them a lot. But, that was really not a happy or healthy or low stress environment for me. Hopefully have a job that isn't so scary and stressful, has shorter days (more days but shorter days) and allows me to sleep at night like my body is supposed to will make it easier for me to get my BFP.

Almost Done

Well, here it is. My last week of work at the hospital I'm at, the job I was so sure I wanted. I work Wed, Thur and Fri nights then I'm all done. Granted, I'm hoping to still pick up some shifts at the other hospital (my second job) so I can pay off bills and that will be on night shift but that will maybe be one night a week. I did 2 more orientation shifts there on Sun and Mon so hopefully they now consider me oriented and I can start actually picking up hours. It had been so long since the last time I worked, my passwords had expired.
Not much else going on here. It was a really nice day today, and I slept through the whole thing. I won't miss that. This weekend there is a baby fair that is being put on by a couple area hospitals and some retailers. I think I will have to go to that. I desperately need to clean my house and I'm really not motivated. I also need to do my taxes and I'm not motivated to do that either.
I've spent some time reading blogs lately. Does anyone else go to someone's blog that you normally read and then go to a blog or two that they read and read those, then go to some on their list etc. I've had a couple of days where I spent several hours reading about other peoples lives. Mostly other women who are or are trying to get pregnant. It's very interesting.
I'm very excited for a few of the women from the NW board who have finally gotten their BFP's. It's so exciting. Hopefully there will be a bunch more soon, I need to live vicariously through others. hehe.
Well, I am off to finish laundry and then off to bed after maybe some ice cream which is supposed to aid fertility. I knew there was a reason I loved it.

I Was Good

I was good, I went to work last night. I have a hard time calling in sick when I'm not really sick although I have a couple of times, called in when I was just mentally not able to handle work. But I went to work last night. Now I only have 3 more nights left and I'm done. So I likely won't use my sick time. Plus, again I hate to burn bridges. Spokane is a fairly small community for a bigger city. Especially in healthcare, someone always knows someone else etc. While I doubt that I would ever be rehired to work in the NICU at the hospital I'm at (doubt I'd ever want to either) I may someday want to go back to work at that hospital and if I've left with things on a bad note, that may not be a possibility so I will just work out my last few days and go my merry way. As far as talking to my boss about the policy to go on call, the nurse manager is the boss. She is the one who makes up the policies and decides what is and isn't acceptable so there really isn't any one else to talk to. Oh well.
Today looked like a really nice day, what little I saw of it. We got a pretty good snow storm on Tuesday night (I think, all my nights run together these days) and had several inches of wet sloppy snow but it's mostly all gone again. Today was sunny but I pretty much slept through it. I woke up again at about 4:30 this afternoon.
It looks like my cycle is right back on schedule. Last month ovulation was delayed by a few days because of my stress meltdown over work but today on CD 13 I got a positive opk (using only one opk stick for the whole month!), a peak on the monitor and my CM looks great. I've also noticed quite a bit of lower abdominal not really pain but sort of cramping or just tenderness. I've never really before noticed ovulation pain but then maybe it's because I wasn't looking for it. I also though still notice occasional pulling sensation around my incision site from my surgery last September. I wonder how long it takes for that to go away. It's only a one inch incision, there are 3 incision sites and I notice occasional twinges from all but mostly from the one in my belly button. I wish I were trying this month! But I'm glad I'm not too. I would be so worried if I was doing this without insurance and I don't think there is any way I could afford COBRA. I was talking to a coworker the other day and she is about 7 weeks pregnant with twins. Someone else had told her to show me her ultrasound pic and then was worried I would feel bad because I am trying too. I don't. I am really happy for this woman. I hope it all goes great for her. I think she did IVF because she did with her first child so likely it hasn't been an easy road for her and I think it's awesome that she's pregnant again. We actually had a lot who were pregnant at work all pretty much due about the same time. One other coworker though has been off work for like 2-3 weeks and still has at least 3 weeks of bedrest and it's still really early in her pregnancy. I feel bad for her. It also freaks me out because if that was me, I would be in so much trouble being off work that long. So I know I need time to build up my vacation time etc. So, I wait.

Interesting

I was talking to a co-worker this morning at shift change and she mentioned that she had only been at the hospital I'm at for 3 year or so but not all of it in NICU. She is an on-call employee for the NICU. I asked how long she was in the NICU before she went on-call and her response was about 8 months. Gee, I've been there 9 months in the NICU and it's not ok for me to stay on-call? I'm trying very hard not to be bothered by this (and failing miserably). I understand about them "worrying" I would lose my skills being only on call if I was only working occassionally but they are short and I'm offering them at least 1 shift every weekend for the next 3 months. Hmm. Feels a bit more personal now. I know I shouldn't be bothered but it really would be so much easier to do my second job hours at the hospital I already work at. Now I'm contemplating being unprofessional (yes I know I shouldn't) and using some of that sick time I will lose.

Two Week Notice Given

Well, I gave my two week notice this weekend. I had typed it out and given it to the night shift assistant nurse manager and also to the nurse manager. I offered to continue to work occasional on call shifts. This morning as I was leaving I ran into my nurse manager and asked if she had gotten my letter and she said no but she knew I had been unhappy for a long time and knew that I was looking. I mentioned the offer to stay on call and that was quickly refused. She told me their policy was that on call employees must have 3 years of full time experience first. Strangely I felt a little bad to not be wanted. Stupid probably but it just felt so final. I sort of tried to talk to her and she didn't really seem to have much to say but then she usually doesn't. This is a woman who in all honesty, terrifies me. I've been told that she is very nice but she seems so aloof I just never know what to think. I'm still trying to decide what to do about a second job. I can stay on at the other hospital that I'm an on call employee at (yes I know my job situation is insane, due to the need of a second job which I have had a very difficult time finding one that would work) continuing to do NICU and hope they use me more than I have been used lately. Or, I can try to get on doing something else in the hospital I work at. And I have 2 weeks to decide. It seems very weird to be leaving the hospital I'm at now again. I really truly like it there but just can't find what I want there.
Another thing I forgot to mention last week. I finally got a response from my mom in regards to the letter I sent her in December about my plans to have a baby. Nothing like taking 2 months to respond. It seems she spent a good deal of time trying to decide how to respond. The letter was very neutral. She was neither supportive or discouraging. My general impression was that she wasn't thrilled with my plans, but didn't want to burn any bridges with me which I have to admire. Lord knows she has burned plenty in the past and for her to show this kind of restraint is impressive.
I have decided to hold off on my next AI attempt until the end of June. That will be just a few days prior to my insurance picking up and I won't even know until after my insurance starts. I think the timing will be good. If my cycles continue as it appears to be on fertility friend then I should be doing AI a day or 2 after my birthday which is on June 20th and right now my estimated ovulation date is June 24th which will be the 13th anniversary of when my dad passed away. Getting pregnant at that time to me would be a good circle. I hate to wait as my impatience is always in motion but I know that waiting is what I need to do. So, I will wait. I may be crazy by June, but maybe it will help not taking care of babies every day at work. Now, if I don't go to bed, I will fall asleep at my desk.

My Girlies are Two

Today is the birthday of my girlies. My fantastic, unusual, curious, cats. Ok, so yes, I know I'm a bit over the top but I can't seem to help myself. Two years ago today I allowed their mama to give birth on my bed. Which started at least a 2 week battle with mama kitty about where the babies would sleep. I would put babies and mama in box and somewhere around 4 in the morning, here would come mama with a baby in her mouth, usually carrying it around by it's head, trying to put the baby in bed with me. If I locked her out of the bedroom, she sat outside the door and cried. I finally ended up borrowing a cage from a friend (lg dog cage) and locking her up at nights. It was an experience. So, here I am from this which was taken about a day and a half after they were born:

To this, the inquisitive kitties who will never leave me alone at my desk, who walk across the keyboard, chew on cords, steal my hair elastic ties and generally get into stuff and never act like they have heart problems (they do):

Miss Sarafina Suzy busy watching birds till I so rudely interrupted her.

And Miss Luna Lulubelle who likes to climb in the basket on my shelf and sleep but had a bit of difficulty this time as the basket almost fell off the shelf, but she was NOT going to give up her spot.

Ok, yes I am aware that I'm goofy and a bit over the top. Just wait till I have a baby!

I Got The Job!!

I just got a phone call about an hour ago regarding the job interview I had 2 weeks ago for the clinic here in town in the GI office and was offered the job. Wow, I had pretty much given up hope on that one. Apparently they have been trying to check my references and have had a hard time getting a hold of some of my previous employers. The good news is that they pay cut is only 50 cents an hour (not including the raise I was due to get in April) and with that I don't have to pay for my medical benefits as they are paid 100% by my employer and I don't have to pay union dues. The schedule is Mon-Fri 8am to 5pm. Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my gosh, I can't believe I finally get to go back to sleeping at night. That will be so great. Plus, once I do have a baby the schedule will be so much more daycare friendly. This is really kind of a relief to me as I was so sure I was going to have to turn the job down because of low pay. Granted, I'm still losing my shift differential which was 2.50 an hour but if I was switching to days at the hospital I would be losing that anyways. I'm still going to try to stay there on call for a while too as I'm still trying to pay off other bills. I'm not sure what to do about my TTC right now. I had planned to take this month off while I'm getting labs checked and then do a Dr. assisted IUI next month but I will have 3 months without medical insurance unless I do Cobra which is so spendy. I probably should wait until I have medical or am close to having medical again. I think I will be without medical until July. Yuck. Funny, that never really bothered me much before last September. I had my medical benefits for 3 weeks before my appendix decided it was done with me. The hospital billed my insurance 25K for a freaking appendix. I can't even imagine what that would have been like if I hadn't had insurance. That would also give me 3 months to work on eating better and maybe to lose weight (yeah right, I've been trying since last August and am not really sure what makes me think I would be successful now). But I don't want to wait. I want to be pregnant sooner rather than later. I'm really wishing I wasn't so worried about potential diseases and biological dads who won't just go away like I would want them to as just going out partying for a night is sounding better all the time. Hey, then I'd even get to have sex. Yes, I know, this is a bad plan even if the sex part sounds very enticing. Oh, I also got my labs done the other day on CD3. I just got a call from my doctors nurse and she said my levels looked good. Like an idiot, I didn't think to have her send me a copy of those results until after I hung up the phone but I will try to remember to ask for that when I get my progesterone drawn in a couple weeks. Thats a relief. As far as your question Vanessa, I don't know if my insurance will cover the cost of those labs or not. I will have to wait and see. I hope they do. It all depends I think on how she coded the request for the labs.

Feeling Better

Well, thanks everyone for your kind words of support. I am feeling somewhat better. Partially because I have a plan. Granted I still have spent the last few days thinking of all the worst possible scenarios. What if I start menopause early, what if I never get pregnant, what if it takes me 15 tries like I've read it has some people (I will be totally loony if it goes that far I'm sure). All of these thoughts have led me to decide that I need to investigate various hormone levels prior to spending any more money on donor sperm. I have one vial left but am planning to use it as IUI and have my doctor do it after I have gotten some lab work done, maybe next month. I called my doctors office today and spoke to my doctors nurse and told her what I wanted (I forgot to tell her though that I was CD 3) and she said she would talk to the doc and call me back this afternoon. I told her I wanted to check FSH, Estradiol and Progesterone for sure and that I knew I was going to have to have at least a couple of different lab draws. I also am taking my antidepressant again. I really don't think that I can keep doing this TWW unmedicated since things that would seem bad normally anyways (fear of not getting pregnant) seem like at least 100 times worse unmedicated I've decided that maintain my sanity it's necessary. Then once I do get pregnant I can wean myself off of the meds. Not the best situation but a necessary one for me. I noticed the last few days feeling very much like past times where everything seems so dark and hopeless. My med is a pregnancy catagory B which means it's one of the safer ones for pregnancy so it should be ok for a few weeks into the pregnancy. So, that is my plan for now.
I had a good time in Seattle but then I always have a good time when I spend time with my best friend R. We have been friends since we were 12 and I have to say that I really don't know what I would do without her. I also got to meet Berrymom for lunch on Monday and had a great time visiting with her and getting to see the absolutely adorable Ethan. And while I was at Bell Square I found and bought some Martini mixers that are wonderful. They let me sample the mixer without the alcohol of course in the store so I bought some of each and I need to go get some Vodka. Since I'm not pregnant, I may as well enjoy some martinis. One was an orange pomegranate mixer and the other was a raspberry peach. Yumm.
Oh and happy happy, it's a little bit sunny. I am so sick of clouds, rain, snow and dreary weather. Of course it's still pretty windy here but I'll take it. I even went outside and took the dog for a walk this morning much to her delight.

CD 1

It's official. Old witch showed finally at 11:30 pm last night after toying with me all day because even though I knew she was coming, since she didn't I kept hoping. I know I can and will try again. I know this is only one try and the chances of it happening on the first try were small but what if it never happens. What if I waited to long and I'm too old or what if I'm too fat. I seem to be a huge failure at losing weight. I don't think that emotionally or financially I can do this as many times as I know some have. I figure at best I can afford 8 or 9 tries now and thats just with the bare basic minimums. Thats not looking at meds, RE's etc. I know, right now I'm just feeling really discouraged because of this 2 week ride and soon I should feel better and get right back into it.

Pretty Sure I'm Out

Well, I am pretty sure I won't be getting my BFP this month. Yesterday I was so sure. I was positive I was pregnant as I still was getting these queasy moments and was having some cramping that was totally different from regular AF type cramps. This morning I woke up and took my temp, it dropped. It was down below coverline and I was having more cramps that definitely felt more like AF type of cramps. Digital pregnancy test was negative. I'm expecting AF today or tomorrow. So, on to the next try. I don't know when that will be. I have 1 vial left of donor 280 that I had hoped to use as an IUI having the doctor do it. I sort of feel like I should make some sort of decision about my work situation though before I decide to try and get pregnant again. I would very much love to stay at the hospital I work for but I could wait months before a position I want to do opens up there. I didn't get the job for the supplemental position at the other hospital in town. I still haven't heard from the clinic that I interviewed with where I thought the interview went so well. So, I'm not sure where that leaves me. I just know it would be a lot more difficult to change jobs while pregnant a risk losing insurance for 3 months and to have to worry about not having any vacation time etc built up before I left. So, on to the next step although I don't know for sure what the next step is. Thanks everyone for your encouragement. I appreciate it. Now, I'm off to enjoy the rest of my trip to Seattle.

I'm being good

I'm being good. I haven't peed on any more sticks. Though they are calling for me really loudly now. I want to thank everyone for cheering me on. I almost tested today but decided I would make myself wait until tomorrow. Plus, I am leaving for Seattle as soon as I get off work in the morning so I won't have any FMU all day. So maybe Saturday. Granted I seriously considered seeing who was in the lab tonight and if they would run a blood test for me off line. If it's a BFP it would show up in the blood test. What held me back is that if it's a BFN, I would have had to work all night with that knowledge. That said, at this moment, I'm feeling somewhat optimistic for several reasons. It's CD 27 for me and even though I ovulated a little later this month and so it's a little off, my temp went up again today. I don't usually put to much hope in my temps as I never manage to take my temp at the same time every day. However, even with that, my temp has consistently dropped on CD 26 the last 3 months for me. Also have been having not quite nausea, but feeling sort of blah. That is the only way I can explain it. I have been having some twinges/cramps in my lower abdomen today which don't feel like AF cramps and I don't ever have cramps prior to AF, just after she arrives. So while I know all of this is not conclusive, and I know I could still possibly get the BFN I'm dreading, and I know that if I do, it's not the end of the world and I can and will try again, I am feeling optimistic at this time. I have my 3 digital pregnancy tests packed up in my suitcase for Seattle. I also have my camera so if it is positive, I can take a picture of it. So with that in mind

Valentines Day

Ok, so I still dislike Valentines Day. Yes, I did take 2 (yes 2) of those sticks (the freebie ones I got from NW) and just tossed them in the garbage. Of course yes I did stop long enough to pee on them but as was stated to me, the result was the same. I'm not really super discouraged yet as I know there is still time from that BFN to turn into a BFP. I'm going to try to wait now until at least Friday or Saturday. I have to say though, I don't know how you women do this month after month. This is probably the second biggest emotional roller coaster I have ever been on. I have went back and forth so many times from thinking "ooh, maybe I am, maybe that was a symptom" to "nope, couldn't possibly be" Right now, I'm thinking no, but my mind could change again and likely will. Today I had a dream that I got a BFP. In my dream, my CBFM told me to expect a bump and then several others showed positive (I was testing with like 6 different tests in my dream). Other than that, not much going on. Still no symptoms really. I thought last night maybe I was feeling a little queasy but that could have just been because I was so tired. I had woke up at 8am and couldn't nap and then was up all night. Well, I'm off to get ready for work again. Happy Valentines day to all.

I'm still being patient, sort of

Ok, so I still haven't peed on a stick. But Chelle, don't worry, I will help you remember that little line about just throwing that stick in the garbage. I laughed so hard at that. Very funny. I still may test on Valentines day at which point I will be somewhere between 10 and 11 dpo. Not exactly sure where. I usually hate Valentines day. Nothing like a national holiday to remind me that I'm still single, and no one is sending me cute cards. So, I could test and get a BFP (unlikely I know) and decide Valentines day isn't so bad. Or I could get a BFN (more likely since it's still pretty early) and have another reason to dislike the holiday. Or I could just skip it and wait for like Friday or Saturday. I don't know if my patience can hold out that long. Still not resting well. I don't know why, I just can't. I woke up today after 4 hours and was totally wide awake and wired. Of course I will likely crash early tonight and then be totally off my sleep schedule for work tomorrow. I did sleep very well yesterday though. It was sort of in shifts which I think I wrote about in my last post but slept really hard while I was asleep. The first time I slept 4 hours and at some point my cat came and crawled under the covers with me and I never noticed it. Then the second time, I slept 3 hours and about an hour after I went to sleep my alarm clock would have went off (I had forgotten to turn it off) and I have NO recollection of turning it off at all. I woke up 2 hours after it would have went off and the music was off (I listen to quiet instrumental stuff to block out noises) and I wondered about that, then late last night, I realized my alarm was still on and I couldn't figure out why I didn't remember it going off. I must not have actually woke up long enough to remember. I'm not taking a medication that I usually take that helps me sleep so I don't know if that is the reason why I'm not sleeping or what. I still get super tired though. As far as symptoms go, I can't decide if I'm discouraged or not. I still don't really have any nausea, my boobs aren't particularly sore unless I poke at them. I'm peeing a lot but it seems fairly early for that symptom. The big and only thing I've had that could be a symptom could also be my imagination or my mind playing tricks on me. I get sort of dizzy. It usually starts off with me feeling too warm, happened twice at Walmart and Costco today. It seemed warm in the store and I was wearing a light weight jacket and all of the sudden, I just felt super warm and sort of light headed and like I needed fresh cold air immediately. I have had this several other times in the last few days (the first time was too soon I think for it to be a symptom). Food does seem to help with this as does cool air. I've also seemed hungry a lot lately. I woke up twice yesterday just starving and couldn't go back to sleep until I had eaten. I don't usually wake up hungry but then maybe because I'm trying to eat healthier, I'm eating less and therefore my body actually has a chance to get hungry. But it doesn't feel like I'm eating less. Better maybe but not less. I want so bad to think these are symptoms and to let myself thing that I might be pregnant but I'm scared to. I am trying really hard to just not think through the whole "I might be pregnant thought".

Pregnancy Tests Are Calling My Name

I can hear them. They get louder every time I go in the bathroom, especially when I first get up in the afternoon. They're saying "Hey, we're in the cupboard here, waiting to be peed on, please use us now!" So far I'm ignoring them, but it's getting harder every day. There are 6 of them, it wouldn't hurt if their numbers were decreased by 1. There would still be 5. Until the next day and then there would be 4. I'm at CD 23 right now and I keep thinking I only have a 28 day cycle, but I think this one was a bit delayed due to stress. So I think it would be a 29 or 30 day cycle. So yes, I know I need to wait. Still not much as far as symptoms go. The big thing is being tired but that could be related to the fact that I haven't slept more than 2 hours at a time most of the week. I did better today as I slept 4 hours was up for 2 then slept 3 more hours. Last night I was so tired at work that I had sat down in a rocking chair with a baby and dozed off (this has happened a couple times before) but then I went and took my breaks and took a nap for an hour. I have never done that. I don't nap usually. Yesterday though I felt so tired that I felt like I couldn't move. Like it was weighing me down and movement was too much work. Again though, this could be related to other stuff.
Well, I am off to Seattle next weekend. Yes Berrymom, I'm going to be in Seattle(or actually Bremerton), I lost your e-mail address though, if you still have mine, e-mail me if you would like to get together. I was planning on going over Friday and coming back maybe Monday or Tuesday.
I haven't heard anything on the job interviews yet but had something happen at work last night which sort of threw a wrench in the plans. I really like the hospital I work for and would like to stay there but don't know if I will find what I want there. This hospital has been the lowest paid hospital in the area for several years. Since they were close to bankruptcy and several years back did a 9% pay cut to everyone in the hospital, they eventually gave the 9% back but are still lower paid than all the other area hospitals. Well there has been rumors that they are trying to adjust wages to be more competitive. I found out last night that in April I'm supposed to be getting a raise. A 3 dollar an hour raise. Now I really want to stay at this hospital, it would be the highest paid hospital in the area. Plus, it would eliminate the problem of not having a year of employment somewhere prior to needing maternity leave, and potentially losing benefits temporarily while I change jobs. I already have some sick leave, some vacation pay. I really want to try to stay there. So, my plan is to try to stick it out in NICU if they will let me until I can find something else in the hospital that will work. Unless one of these other places came back with a fantastic offer that would really make it worthwhile to change jobs. Decisions, decisions.

Slow TWW

Well, the TWW is going very slowly. Very slowly. I'm back to work for a few days which I suppose is good since I'm not just sitting at home obsessing over symptoms or lack there of. No instead I'm at work, obsessing over symptoms. Not really any other than having to go to the bathroom constantly and an occassional dizzy spell. I actually slept ok today which is a relief. I also have one more night of work then 2-3 days off. I am planning to go to Seattle next weekend so I am trying to switch with someone to adjust my days off. Doesn't look like it will happen but I can keep hoping. I haven't heard anything from the jobs I interviewed for yet. I suppose that's not necessarily a bad thing if they are checking my references. Well back to feeding babies and changing poopy diapers. Oh, and while my coworker in the next room isn't looking, I need to switch garbage cans with her so she has the smelly poopy diaper garbage can.

More Job Interviews

I had another job interview today and I think it went really well. The job is an RN position in a GI clinic where they do colonoscopys and upper GI's (involves cameras going to places you would think are illegal). The job sounds great partially at least because of the schedule. It's Mon-Fri 8-5. They were saying that they try really hard to work with people for scheduling issues like doctors appointments, kid related stuff etc. They also seemed like a pretty good group that got along well. It's a busy office so I don't think there would be a lot of time to get bored. They took me around and introduced me to many of the other staff members, gave me a tour of the office etc. Even introduced me to several of the doctors including the doctor who is in charge of the whole office. Overall everyone seemed really nice and welcoming. There are 2 potential down sides of the job. First is pay. I know this particular clinic tends to pay fairly low and they even admitted that the pay was lower than many places. I was told she believed it was competetive with what I currently made. I will have to wait to see what that means. The other issue is that the GI clinic is part of a larger clinic here in Spokane and I worry (maybe without reason) that their insurance will want you to utilize their docs and their choice of hospitals. So, I may have to change doctors. Now for my regular physician, not a big deal. I like him but have considered replacing him in the last few years. However the idea of having to possibly change ob/gyn doctor at this point scares me. It was such a relief to find a doc who was "size friendly" and didn't lecture me, refuse to help me etc because of my weight. I'm worried about changing doctors and having a difficult time finding another doctor that is a good match for me. Also, I believe this clinic works primarily with a specific hospital here in town (not the one I work for) and I really had my heart set on delivering at the hospital I work at when I did finally get pregnant. I don't know if that would be an option. Basically I will have to wait and see for sure if they offer a job and what they are offering as far as insurance/pay goes.
Still nothing as far as symptoms go. Which is to be expected as it's still really early but I keep hoping anyways. It really is a sign of a potentially unbalanced mind to be hoping for morning sickness. Trying (rather unsuccessfully) to not obsess over all of it. I did actually sleep last night which was a huge plus. I slept like 8 hours and only had to get up like 3 times to go to the bathroom. That is sort of new but I may just be drinking more fluid. I usually get up at least once. It seems like I'm getting up more often but it's a bit early still for that to be a symptom so likely it's just my imagination again. No more action hero dreams either. Still looking for a little more and hoping to sanely make it through the next week and a half.

Not crazy yet!

Ok, so I'm not crazy yet. I might be heading that way, but not yet. Again last night I slept maybe 5 hours but woke twice in that time frame to go to the bathroom. I was wide awake at 4 am. The only time I'm usually wide awake at 4 am is when I'm at work. I did manage to go back to sleep around 7 for about an hour but still. Of course because my sleep is such a mess, fertility friend is wacked out again. It's now saying that my ovulation date was CD 14 (usual day) but that was the day before I AI'd. I know that isn't right. I missed temping on CD 15 as I didn't sleep on CD 15 more than maybe 2 hours. I'm thinking it was about CD 16 which lines up with opks and cbfm just fine. According to pregnancy.org calendar, if there was a meeting between the eggie and spermies, it should be getting ready to implant today. So.....

Of course my mind is also playing all sorts of tricks on me. Last night I had at least 2 dreams (very odd dreams in which I was a character in an action movie) in which I was pregnant and one of the few people who didn't die in my action movie dreams. Also, I took a nap yesterday afternoon and when I woke up I came into my 2nd bedroom to check my e-mail and all of the sudden had this momentary horrible dizziness, queasiness and felt super hot and like I had to have fresh air immediately. So, I was standing out on my porch in the cold (barefeet in my jammies) telling myself over and over again, it's too soon to be feeling any symptoms, this is all in your head. Then today I feel nothing, so it was all in my head. Now, it's only 8 more days till Valentines day. I haven't decided yet if I will test then or not. It will only be 10 dpo. But here is a little parting thought.

Still waiting patiently

Ok, so I'm still being fairly patient here. Thanks everyone for your well wishes and kind words. So far I'm doing fine and not stressing or anything. But then, it's only been 2 days since AI. All 6 of my pregnancy tests are still waiting for me in my cupboard in the bathroom. And of course I feel nothing yet. Didn't expect to yet so I'm still ok with that. Ask me next week if I'm still ok and you may get a totally different answer. Now if there was a meeting between the eggie and super spermies, they should be considering implanting sometime in the next few days or at least according to this pregnancy.org calendar thing I found. I had read on NW board about how pineapple helps with implantation so I bought bunches of it. Then I noticed the part about "fresh" pineapple. So I have a bunch of those little individual containers of not fresh pineapple and while I like pineapple fine, it's not something I usually buy to eat just for the heck of it. So, 5 bucks says it will still be there at Christmas time. I did go buy one container of fresh pineapple but that stuff is expensive and so I likely won't be getting much of that.
I had a job interview today. It's for a supplemental position at a hospital that is about a mile from my house for a pre-surgical assessment position. Which is what I want to get into. Monday through Friday. Day shift. Weekends and holidays off. Sounds great. I don't know if I will get it though. And it's supplemental which is on call. Fine unless my current job starts getting antsy to have me leave sooner rather than later. I've already been asked if I'm applying for other jobs. I think the interview went ok. Not thinking I hadn't put down my other current supplemental job since in 2 months I've only gotten 2 shifts there but then realized duh, the two hospitals are owned by the same parent company. It was late when I filled out that application. I did tell them about it lest they find out otherwise and it look even worse. I think they took it ok. I also explained that I basically was trying different things out and if I found something I liked, I hoped that it would turn into a full time position eventually. They did mention that they had a couple of internal applicants who had applied which doesn't sound real good for me as they would I think always hire from within first. I'll have to wait and see what happens. I hate job hunting.
I've got a few more days off work. I'm going to see the blue man group tomorrow night which should be fun. I still have to get my blinds put up in the living room. And I could clean my house. So I have things to occupy myself during this two week wait. If I test on valentines day, that's only 9 days away. If I am good and I wait until the 18th, I have 13 days left. If I don't at least start sleeping soon or something I likely will be crazy by then.

The dreaded Two Week Wait

Ok, so I am now officially in the dreaded TWW.


We'll have to see how crazy I am at the end of this. I do have one more AI to do tonight but I did my first one this morning. So far I am feeling pretty confident with my timing. I was a little stressed on Friday as the lines on opks had gotten lighter but decided to just wait and see. Sure enough they got darker again and I got a positive opk @ 22:30 and again this morning at about 8. I also went again from low to peak on my CBFM which was kind of what I was expecting/hoping for. My CM still hasn't been as good as some months but oh well. I'll take what I can get. So as long as my 11hr and 24hour timing matches up, it should all be good. The actual AI seemed to go ok. I tried using the catheter which I won't use again. No point since there is no way in hell I'm ever going to see my own cervix. And asking someone else to look, yeah I think that pretty much goes beyond the realm of friendship. So, if I ever do this at home again. I won't be paying 10 dollars for the home AI kit when I can get a 1cc syringe from work and I won't use the rest of the stuff. Like the instead cups. Those are a joke. I had all my props laid out where I could see them and everything on my bed within reach pretty much. I managed to get my hiney up on 2 pillows which was fairly uncomfortable. I spent most of the time on my back. I tried the rolling from side to side like a rotisserie and it just wasn't that comfortable. I tried visualizing the spermies swimming up and finding and fertilizing the egg. I ended up thinking "wow, I hope my dad isn't watching all this from heaven". I ended up not using the flarp (anyone need some??) as I'm a nurse and am pretty good at working with only one hand, especially since I'm working with babies. Imagine trying to stick a tube down a babies nose while holding onto said babies hands to prevent them from grabbing tube and yanking it back out. Anyways, had lullaby's playing on CD player and basically laid there and tried to read a book. A little Nora Roberts mind candy. Thanks to Tracey and her suggestion of a "dry run" prior to actual insemination, I knew enough to lock my dog and kitties out of the bedroom. Especially dear miss Luna Lulubelle who is always in the middle of everything.




All in all, it went pretty well. The dry ice seems to be keeping super spermies nice and frozen. No problems like a spilled vial of sperm, everything was just fine. Now of course I have to wait to test. The question of course being, how long will I be able to wait. I happen to have 6 pregnancy tests in the house. 3 I got free from NW when I ordered CBFM sticks and opks which never did work. Then last week when I was ordering preseed since I only had one little thing of preseed and needed at least one more, I was just going to order that, but the website required an order of at least 20 dollars. So I bought a box of 2 pregnancy tests which ended up having a free test thrown in. I got the fancy digital "pregnant" or "not pregnant" version of these. So, I have 6 tests. My goal is to hold off until at least Valentines day and then I'll have to decide but that is a whole other post. Now I will try to stay awake at least until the next AI instead of sleeping in more cat naps. This is getting old. Oh and I still need to put my blinds up. They came this week and I'm tired of worrying about scaring the neighbors by walking around the house in my underwear.

Date With Mr. Catalog Man

WooHoo!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's just about time for that date with Mr. Catalog man and his super spermies. After much worry and stress I finally got a positive opk @ 10:30 this evening so I am planning to AI at around 10am and 10pm tomorrow. EWCM is great tonight and I'm feeling pretty positive about this. I had to get more dry ice this morning and I was hoping that cashier would be there again but he wasn't. Oh well. Funny thing is that even though I didn't know what to say to him, I'm not ashamed of what I'm doing and don't care that much what others think. I know there will be those who disapprove. I've already encountered a few, including my mom I guess since I STILL haven't heard from her. Oh well. Her loss. I'm happy with my decision and know it is the right decision for me. So, my message for super spermies tomorrow,
Thanks for all the well wishes and I will keep you all updated.
Now I think I'll sleep more. That's the sucky thing about night shift, I basically lose one day off a week as I sleep most of the day and part of the night too. I can't wait to not be working nights anymore.

Funny

Ok, so tonight I had to go to the store to get the dry ice for my super spermie transporter and the checker was just trying to make conversation. So, while the other guy was getting the dry ice for me, the checker started asking what I needed dry ice for. He asked first if I just wanted really cold pop. Then asked if I was shipping something and just kept asking. So, I couldn't decide if I should just keep trying to dodge the question, if I should tell him it's none of his freaking business or if I should go for shock value and tell him it was for my donor sperm as I was trying to get pregnant this weekend. That would have shut him up. I laughed all the way to my car. I ended up just trying to dodge the question but it was pretty funny. On a more positive note, CM has finally showed up (thank God) and it looks like I'm only about a day and a half behind schedule so I should be good. I will likely be AI'ing on Friday which is good as I don't have to work Friday night. Much preferable to AI'ing tomorrow and then having to come to work. I'm getting so excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!
**Update** I picked up super spermies this morning after work. I gave them the old pep talk most of the way home. CM is progressing along nicely and although my monitor still says low (it's went from low to peak before) and opks are still negative, they are getting there. I think by tomorrow. Yay!!!!!!!!!!!