Still Here

I'm still here. Not crazy yet, I don't think. Had myself a little retail therapy yesterday and a bit of a makeover. I went and got my hair colored (no more fake blond) and cut. It looked great yesterday but of course I can't ever seem to recreate the look the hair stylist manages so not quite as nice today. They always make my hair nice and straight and sleek and I just can't seem to ever get it to do that. No matter how much I try with the blow dryer etc. I do like the color though. It's kind of a reddish brown. Not sure how long it will last. I did go out and wander to see if I could find someone to take my picture so I will see if I can get that posted later. I called the fertility clinic earlier today and left a message, now just waiting for a call back. I slept really good last night which was great. Other than that, I'm feeling blue. I'm ok, just down. Afraid this is never going to happen and again part of the impossible dream. I find myself bargaining but I'm not even sure who with. I had told myself that ok, if God or fate or whatever had decided that I wasn't going to meet the right person to share my life with I could deal with it. Not love it but deal with it. I could still accomplish the rest of my dreams on my own. I could have a baby on my own. But if I can't have a baby, nope I just can't deal with that. And yes I could adopt. It wouldn't be the end of the world and I would still have kids. But as much as I'm sort of ok with that, it's not really all of what I want. I want to be pregnant. I want to know what it feels like to have my baby move inside of me, how it feels to breast feed my baby, to give birth to my baby. I don't know if I feel like I'm being punished for something I did or didn't do, or if fate just sucks. And yes I know I haven't tried that much, not nearly as much as many of you ladies out there but I really thought this would be easy, just a matter of timing and finding access to some sperm. Ha. So much for that thought.
Still not totally clear on the whole moving thing. I do have an appointment tomorrow to go back to the place with the ducks and turn in my application and all. The apartment is supposed to be ready on the 18th. As much as I really don't like this apartment I really am not looking forward to moving either. Plus it's frustrating not knowing what my plans are. Am I going to stay in Fresno for another assignment after this one or am I going to move on. I'd like to move on but having easy access to a fertility doc is a big deal at this point. I'd like to go home but if I do I'm afraid I might never get pregnant. I don't know if I would ever be able to afford it. So basically I just feel a bit adrift and not sure what the future holds and no concrete plans in the works which all just makes me a little bit nutty.