Saturday

So, with all of the stuff I need to get done in the next week, what did I do today?? None of the things I need to have done in the next week. I went for a bike ride with a friend. Yesterday was such a beautiful warm day that we made plans to go for a bike ride this morning. This morning, not so beautiful or warm but not raining so off we went after some maneuvering to get both bikes in the back of his truck. I took my beach cruiser bike which is fun to ride (on flat surfaces anyways) and very high on the cute factor. He has an old 10 speed that he's had for ages I'm sure as he never throws anything away. Where we went, was not so flat, a lot of hills really although most weren't huge hills, they were hills none the less. I think I should have taken my mountain bike although since I hadn't rode all winter, maybe it wouldn't have made a damn bit of difference. We went 4 miles, I did have to get off a few times to push the bike up the hill, and I made him stop once for a rest as I was dying. Going down the hills was fun yelling wheeeeeeeee all the way down. I'm sure I was a sight. Of course the nurse in me kicks in on one down hill stretch to say, gee if I crashed at this speed, it would really hurt. When I got home, I noticed a very small amount of pink when I went to the bathroom on the tp. Sorry if TMI but it's just odd. I'm not due for AF for 2 weeks. I'm due to or already have ovulated within the last few days. yesterday had EW CM and of course as I do every month, I thought, ooooh, I could try to get pregnant. Sure, if I had a ready source of sperm which I don't. Anyways, I've never spotted in between periods. I just don't. So now I'm freaking out again, wondering what is up with my body. Tomorrow I need to start packing to get ready go. Oh and I also noticed something else odd today. I have/had a house key hidden outside as I have a habit of locking myself out. It was in a strategic place that I never would have dreamed of except I found a key hidden there from previous owner when I was up on a ladder last fall. So I hid my new key there since I had changed the locks on my house. Well, I went to show my friend who will be watching my house where it was today, and it's not there. I have no idea how long it's been gone. I suppose I may have forgotten that I took it down at some point but it's not there and I'm a little freaked out. D. said that if someone found it, they would have likely already broken in to my house but now I'm trying to decide if I need to change my locks before I leave. Crap, something else to do.

Still Waiting

Ok, I'm still waiting to have an official contract which is making me a little nervous although I have been told that they are really interested in me. I believe that they are checking my references which is the delay. But yes, it all is still moving along very quickly. As for questions I've received, each assignment is for 13 weeks. They guarantee me 3 shifts per week which is 36 hours (full time for nursing, it's 12 hour shifts). I can also pick up additional shifts if I want to and plan to try to get at least one extra shift per week for most of my 1st assignment anyways. If I get pregnant prior to taking another assignment then I likely won't be doing overtime much but for now, I should be fine and it's close to 500 dollars for an extra shift. I still feel like I can give AI as shot as it is only a 13 week assignment and if I got pregnant at home, I would still be working as long as I was able, so what difference does it make if I work elsewhere. The only thing is that I probably wouldn't take an assignment after say 22 or 23 weeks as that would put me pretty close to my due date when the assignment was finished, unless the assignment was in Seattle which is basically close to home. The housing is by several different options. One, they can provide you a one bedroom apt that is furnished and they pay the rent, 2 the can put you in one of the extended stay hotels (the rooms have kitchenettes?) and they pay the rent, or 3 they pay you the money and you find your own place to rent. I'm sort of opting for 3 as I am taking my cats with me. Both cats have heart problems and I don't have anyone I can leave them with who will give them their meds. My friend offered to watch my dog but then last night when I told him I was going, acted put out by the idea of keeping Sadie. It would be much easier to travel without her. But I suppose I may end up looking for an apartment where I can possibly have her. I do pretty much need something that is furnished as I'm not taking my furniture. I'm going down there with what fits in the car. I'm pretty excited about going to the San Francisco region. I only visited there once for one day when I lived in California last year and would loved to have seen more. I'm excited that I will get the chance to. And yes Tracey, I would love to get together for lunch or dinner or something.
One interesting thing about my cycle this month. I have never gotten a high reading on my CBFM, it always goes from low to peak. This month, I'm getting a high. I wonder if I will get a peak and if so, if the high reading is related to the fact that I'm sleeping at night (sort of, not as much lately though) and awake during the day. I hope the whole night/day thing doesn't matter too much with TTC as I will be working nights on my travel position.

Welcome To My Rollercoaster

Well, things are moving along for me here. Much faster than I had thought they would. Yikes. I am pretty sure I have a position lined up but the contract has not actually come through yet so I'm reluctant to say it's for sure yet. It's a hospital in Northern California, a little north of San Francisco. The hospital has seen my qualifications and said that if references etc check out, they do for sure want me. Now it's just waiting for things to check out. If it all keeps going along as planned, they want me to start on April 9th. Oooh, wow. That's a little over a week away. So, I am frantically trying to get my paperwork turned in so that I can get approved and also trying to get things prepared so that I can leave. I have to figure out what I'm taking with me (basically clothes etc that will fit in my car) And when I will actually leave. I had wanted to leave next Friday morning as that would give me a couple days to get there and a day to recover from the drive before I actually start work. But I also want to get in to see my ob/gyn before I go and get the prescription for clomid before I go and the first appointment available is Friday afternoon at 3pm. I have asked that they put me on a list and I will try really hard to be available to them all next week and hope they can get me in sooner. Or I suppose I could leave right after appointment and just hit Portland around 10pm but I really wanted to be there earlier as I am stopping to visit a friend. Then was planning to drive all the next day to my final destination. That is going to be a sucky long drive. Yuck. So, I'm not totally sure what I'm going to do yet. I did give notice at work yesterday and they seemed to take it pretty well. The charge nurse I work with came and talked to me today and said they were so sorry to see me go as they really liked me and I was a really good nurse. That was nice to hear. Well, I have to go find a fax to get stuff sent off. Wish me luck.

Decision??

Well, I am pretty sure I've made my decision as far as work goes. I am going to give travel nursing a shot. It's been a difficult decision as it's a big change and something of a risk. I had one friend who was very negative about the whole idea but then again, this is a person who has worked as a "lot boy" at a car dealership where he HATES his job for like 22 year because he can't handle the idea or process of change. Also he would never dream of leaving his house for more than a weekend, forget several months. However, flip side is that he said he would watch my house and my dog if need be. I also spoke with my best friend R. and she was supportive. She agreed that it would give me a chance to try something I had thought many times of doing before I got pregnant, it would be pretty good money, it would give me a chance to potentially experience different areas of nursing to see if I can gain a better idea of specifically what kind of nursing I want to do. She also pointed out that I don't have to decide now, what to do when I've had my fill of travel nursing. I can wait until I've done it for 3-6 or 9 months, and then see what options are available and where I want to go. Then I had something happen today that made me feel like I really was making the right decision. I had a job interview, that I was completely unqualified for the job. It was one of the shortest interviews I've ever had as I got there and the person interviewing me told me what she was looking for in an RN. The office is a gynecology and urogynecology office and they do a lot of out patient procedures and near as I could tell, don't have an RN on staff to do this. Their OR/procedure room isn't set up the way it should be etc and they are looking for someone with surgical experience to set up their OR. I have absolutely no experience with this what so ever. None. I told her that I was not qualified to help them with that which was kind of disappointing as I have been hoping to find some type of day surgery position. At that point, she told me they would keep my resume as somewhere down the road once they had their OR set up and running and had done some expanding that they are planning to do, they will need another RN to work with them. I asked her to please do keep me in mind and explained that I had been considering taking a traveling assignment for a while and that it would be nice to possibly have a job to come back to. She seemed to think that was a great idea and said that she would definitely keep me in mind for future positions. Even if that position doesn't work out, I guess I now feel better about my decision to go ahead and travel and that when I do get done, something will work itself out. I'm a nurse, there are lots of jobs. So, I have the name of a travel staffing agency and a contact there, courtesy of a friend who has been with this particular agency for like a year and a half and I'm looking for my next adventure. Oh, and my plans are to try AI again in a couple of months while I'm traveling (come home to Spokane for Dr assisted IUI if at all possible either during an assignment or between assignments).

Results

So, I had my progesterone level drawn 2 weeks ago and finally just heard back from the doctors office. Of course I am so forgetful it's not even funny so I didn't call them either. Anyways, the doctor's nurse said my ovulation was borderline, I think she said results were 9.9 (not positive this is right) and that the doctor wants me to take Clomid with my next try to improve my ovulation. I'm wondering if this means I also need prometrium supplements?? So, I'm glad I found this out now, after using 2 vials of $200 dollar a piece sperm instead of later after many more vials but I also am now feeling a bit like I am entering for sure the whole difficult to get pregnant game which scares me. It scares me because what if the Clomid doesn't work. If I end up needing/wanting to go to IVF will the new doctor refuse me because of my weight? I know the whole what if game is endless and ridiculous to play but I can't seem to stop it. Not that I mind taking Clomid. Not at all, I'm just afraid of what Clomid signifies. That I am probably not able to get pregnant on my own, with out medical intervention. So, my theory is that if I'm going to do the Clomid, I may as well to the trigger shots so at least we know we are getting the timing right. Then there is the worry about multiples. I would freak if I had triplets or more. I would be scared also if I had twins but not as much. There is a reason for that. I want to have 2 kids, would love to have 2 kids. I don't know if I will be able to manage getting pregnant twice or if I will manage to have 2 pregnancies that go ok. I've read enough of Looky Daddy's blog to know that I would have to be crazy to wish for twins. But there is a part of me (yes I know it's the crazy part of me) that thinks that having twins might be my only chance at having 2 kids. So while I'm not really wishing for twins, I would make do, once I got over the panic of "oh shit, how do I raise 2 babies alone" (yes, I realize that might not go away before they turn 18).
As far as work. It's going. I am mostly ok with the job but still not ok with the benefits. I just can't really see any way they work for me. I really want to go do some travel nursing but I suppose my big fear there is that once I decide I'm done doing travel nursing, I won't be able to find a permanent job here in Spokane. Would I be ok with moving to the Seattle area? Yeah, probably as there are a lot more job options there although I really like Spokane. I guess what it comes down to is that I want to do the travel nursing but I am afraid to jump in as it seems like every time I make a decision, it ends up feeling like the wrong one.

Spring Has Sprung

Well I think spring has finally decided to arrive in the NW. Of course I could get a surprise of snow tomorrow for all I know, its happened before. I had all these plans to clean my house this weekend. The bathroom needs a good scouring as does the kitchen. The rest of the house needs tidying up. So what did I do with my day yesterday? I went outside and played in the dirt!! I had went to Costco and they had some perennials 3 pots for 10.49 so I bought 2 flats of these ground cover plants with pretty little purple flowers. And I figured that since they are perennials and would be outside year round anyways, that I would go ahead and plant them, even if it likely will freeze again. So, I set about digging holes in my flower bed to plant the flowers. And ran into blue plastic bubble wrap stuff. Apparently a former owner of my house got the brilliant idea to take what appears to be a pool cover and cut it up to fit the size of the flower beds, then dump a couple inches of soil on top. The few mums that were planted in this bed were sitting on top of the plastic (explains why they looked so weird last year) and in order to really plant my flowers, I would have to cut holes in the plastic. I decided instead that the plastic must go. So it took me a while but I dug it all up. And was covered in dirt pretty much from head to foot. But it looks much nicer now and the dirt is all freshly turned and ready for more planting. I also cleaned up all the poop in the yard and now Sadie isn't sure what to do with herself as all the designated poopy places are gone. Going to the bathroom last night was even more of a chore than usual. That absolute perfect spot now much more elusive than before.
On the job front, I'm back to work tomorrow. I am sort of thinking again of taking off for a while and doing some travel nursing. That would give me a chance to figure out what kind of nursing I want to do. Plus I could probably afford to just pay my cobra benefits from my last job so I would still have ok benefits. I could still try the AI's while I was elsewhere and still be working towards getting pregnant. I could have a friend and my neighbors watch my house and if I did it for 3-6 months, would likely make enough money that I could pay off my bills. If I take an actual assignment, they pay my housing where I'm at and guarantee me a set number of hours. I'd probably be back to night shift but that's ok for a while. So, it's a thought.

Dogs Are Gross

They really are gross. I love my Sadie Sunshine to pieces but she is really gross. I took her for a walk along the river today and it's spring, and all the ducks and geese are hanging out on the pathway this time of year because the waters high and there are good pickings in the mud farther up the bank. Well, they do their ducky/goosey thing and leave their little "packages" along the pathway. My goofy dog is running from dropping to dropping totally chowing down on these lovely large goose poopies. What is it about poop that makes a dog want to eat it!?!?! And you know, I've seen the products advertised in catalogs that are supposed to stop stool eating, but duh, they only work if you dog eats it's own. No, miss Sadie is much to prissy for that. If we are out in the yard playing ball, and I happen to toss the ball into the "poopy place" which has become a better part of one side of the yard since I haven't scooped in a while, she refuses to touch the ball. She'll walk over and if the ball is within a foot a something, she will turn up her nose and walk away, deciding that she really didn't want to play ball anyways. But she will happily eat any other form of poop. Yuck!! Her breath was so bad on the way home that I could smell it all the way from the back of the car.
On the job front things are plugging along. The job itself is fine. I do lots of IV starts. Turns out I'm pretty good at them for the most part. Part of it is that I'm having a hard time being excited about a job that I never would have accepted if I'd known then what I know now. I know that there are a lot of people who have horrible benefits and all but I've never really had benefits this bad. Plus, I gave up money too to take the job. Technically, it was a 50 cents an hour difference from my base wage. However, I also lost $3 an hour in shift differential for working nights. I told myself not to think about that as I would have lost that anyways by going to a day shift at the hospital. But then there is also the raise I would have gotten in another 2 weeks which was another $3 dollars. So total, I gave up $6.50 an hour and really great benefits for a job with shitty benefits. I don't want to be flaky (believe it or not, I'm not usually a flaky individual) but this really doesn't work for me. It basically postpones my baby quest further as I would need to have more of a savings for "just in case" and medical bills associated with a normal or not so normal delivery. So, I really don't know what I'm going to do or what I want to do.

First Day

Well, the first day at my new job was ok. Part of it was just boring as the HIPAA stuff and OSHA stuff is almost the same everywhere you go, at least in healthcare anyways. Luckily it didn't take me nearly as long to finish it as they said it would. Right now though I am trying really hard (and failing miserably) to not be discouraged about the benefits. They SUCK! I had asked about them before I accepted the job and was told who the provider was and while they weren't my favorite choice, I was willing to accept that. I knew there was no cost to me for medical but I did have to pay dental. At my previous job in the hospital for my benefits which included medical, dental, vision, long and short term disability (and I also accrued sick pay just because I was an employee) I was paying 64.00 a month for me. My plan paid 80 percent of everything, there was no deductible and not much was a problem as long as I used our hospital when able to. For this new plan there is no vision, dental will cost 34-52 a month depending on what plan I choose, there is no short term disability (her statement of "we give very generous sick pay so that is like your short term disability" wasn't much consolation if I end up on maternity leave for pre-eclampsia or something else) and the deductible for myself on the medical plan is a whopping 750.00. Once I have a baby, my premiums will go up to almost 300 a month for medical and the deductible goes up to over 2000 dollars. Needless to say I'm incredibly frustrated. Oh and prescriptions are practically triple what I pay now. I had never thought to actually see a copy of what the benefits were prior to accepting the job, now I wish I had.

Baby Fair

I went to a Baby Fair today and what fun that was. It was mostly vendors selling stuff but I saw some really cool stuff. There were a couple of different photography places that had some amazing photos of pregnant bellies and little babies. Some freebie sample stuff and lots of prize drawings. I did sign up for a few of them but felt funny signing up when I'm not even pregnant. Most people assured me it was ok to sign up even though I was still in the trying stage. I did have one lady ask me in what seemed like a serious tone, "you're not pregnant, why are you here" It was a fun morning though. Plus there were lots of babies there. Maybe next year, I will be pregnant when the Baby Fair happens. I've done a little bit of house cleaning. I'm still pretty tired trying to adjust from nights to days. Tomorrow I start my new job and I am very excited about that. Oh, at the baby fair I ran into a nurse who used to work in the NICU whom I met when I worked in the lab and ended up drawing blood on her son. She asked how life was in the NICU and I told her I hadn't liked it as well as I thought I would. She was sympathetic and said it was good that I figured it out sooner rather than later and hoped I would like my new job. I also ran into a unit secretary who used to work at the hospital I was at. He was a sweet guy who one year on Valentines day after hearing my usual "I hate Valentines Day" came down to the lab with a little bracelet thing that his wife had bought a bunch of for him to give to the girls at work. Anyways, a fun day all around and I think I'm going to head to bed early tonight and be ready for tomorrow.

Done

I apologize in advance, this one is kind of long.
Well, I'm all done with working in the NICU, at least at the hospital I've been at. And of course it was out with a bang. I had 2 fussy baby's (ok, so maybe twins would make me nuts) out of 3 (definitely don't want triplets) one of which is supposed to go home maybe tomorrow and I think she had decided to stay. She was looking like she was maybe getting sick. End of shift brought stat lab draws, x-rays and calls to the doctor. It's been an interesting week. On Thursday night about 4 different people brought treats for a going away thing, then last night someone else did. But there were other people who didn't say anything to me. I don't know if they didn't know I was leaving or didn't care. I also had the opportunity to work with another nurse who has done the SMBC thing. I have had many people tell me I should talk to her but I didn't really know her that well so didn't feel comfortable bringing it up really but we sort of ended up talking about it anyways. I got some good advice and some advice that wasn't asked for. She had tried quite a few times with IUI before moving to IVF. She said that if she were to do it again, she wouldn't have waited so long to move to IVF. She had heard a lot worse statistics about clomid (and multiples) than what I've seen on the NW chat board. She also recommended that I spend the time necessary to be totally financially sound and have lots of sick time, and that I absolutely not scoop my cat boxes. As far as the cat boxes go, there is no one else to scoop them, they are totally indoor cats and research I've found states that while not optimal if you glove up and wash well, it shouldn't be an issue. She seemed a little irritated with me that I didn't agree with her completely which left me actually feeling better about the money part of her suggestion. I had started feeling like maybe I was crazy, making a big mistake not spending the next 2 years or so paying things off before trying. In a perfect world I would have no bills before I got pregnant, but then in a perfect world I would be married to a rich husband and money would not be an issue. Since I don't live in a perfect world I will have to make do. Granted, I know that I won't have anyone else to fall back on but there are many couples who "accidentally" get pregnant and rely on 2 incomes and have no one else to fall back on. I will likely never be debt free. I will get by. It may not be easy but I will. And I'm older than she is, I don't have another 10 years to work at it, I have MAYBE 5 or 6 and that's really pushing it since I have no idea when my birth mother started menopause or anything else. I also don't know how many tries it will take and if I will have to move on to more invasive measures. I also don't have the luxury of being able to move back in with my parents so that I can do this. Although I admit that even if it was an option, I would NEVER move back in with my mom. So that was my talking to the SMBC nurse I work with. It was also a week that showed me again, why I need to leave the NICU environment. More of the drug exposed babies, and worst case scenarios that make me want to cry/puke/freak all at the same time. There was apparently a c-section this week for a baby that they knew probably wasn't going to make it but it went even worse than they expected. One of our new nurses (brand new, first job, just graduated) who was 12 weeks pregnant herself happened to be there observing. I guess they had to send her home as she was crying so much and I don't think she has been back. I feel bad for her. If it had been me I would have probably needed years of therapy. So, I have done the right thing. I knew that before, I feel better about it now although I will really miss the people that I worked with. I really liked most everyone and will really miss many of them a lot. But, that was really not a happy or healthy or low stress environment for me. Hopefully have a job that isn't so scary and stressful, has shorter days (more days but shorter days) and allows me to sleep at night like my body is supposed to will make it easier for me to get my BFP.

Almost Done

Well, here it is. My last week of work at the hospital I'm at, the job I was so sure I wanted. I work Wed, Thur and Fri nights then I'm all done. Granted, I'm hoping to still pick up some shifts at the other hospital (my second job) so I can pay off bills and that will be on night shift but that will maybe be one night a week. I did 2 more orientation shifts there on Sun and Mon so hopefully they now consider me oriented and I can start actually picking up hours. It had been so long since the last time I worked, my passwords had expired.
Not much else going on here. It was a really nice day today, and I slept through the whole thing. I won't miss that. This weekend there is a baby fair that is being put on by a couple area hospitals and some retailers. I think I will have to go to that. I desperately need to clean my house and I'm really not motivated. I also need to do my taxes and I'm not motivated to do that either.
I've spent some time reading blogs lately. Does anyone else go to someone's blog that you normally read and then go to a blog or two that they read and read those, then go to some on their list etc. I've had a couple of days where I spent several hours reading about other peoples lives. Mostly other women who are or are trying to get pregnant. It's very interesting.
I'm very excited for a few of the women from the NW board who have finally gotten their BFP's. It's so exciting. Hopefully there will be a bunch more soon, I need to live vicariously through others. hehe.
Well, I am off to finish laundry and then off to bed after maybe some ice cream which is supposed to aid fertility. I knew there was a reason I loved it.

I Was Good

I was good, I went to work last night. I have a hard time calling in sick when I'm not really sick although I have a couple of times, called in when I was just mentally not able to handle work. But I went to work last night. Now I only have 3 more nights left and I'm done. So I likely won't use my sick time. Plus, again I hate to burn bridges. Spokane is a fairly small community for a bigger city. Especially in healthcare, someone always knows someone else etc. While I doubt that I would ever be rehired to work in the NICU at the hospital I'm at (doubt I'd ever want to either) I may someday want to go back to work at that hospital and if I've left with things on a bad note, that may not be a possibility so I will just work out my last few days and go my merry way. As far as talking to my boss about the policy to go on call, the nurse manager is the boss. She is the one who makes up the policies and decides what is and isn't acceptable so there really isn't any one else to talk to. Oh well.
Today looked like a really nice day, what little I saw of it. We got a pretty good snow storm on Tuesday night (I think, all my nights run together these days) and had several inches of wet sloppy snow but it's mostly all gone again. Today was sunny but I pretty much slept through it. I woke up again at about 4:30 this afternoon.
It looks like my cycle is right back on schedule. Last month ovulation was delayed by a few days because of my stress meltdown over work but today on CD 13 I got a positive opk (using only one opk stick for the whole month!), a peak on the monitor and my CM looks great. I've also noticed quite a bit of lower abdominal not really pain but sort of cramping or just tenderness. I've never really before noticed ovulation pain but then maybe it's because I wasn't looking for it. I also though still notice occasional pulling sensation around my incision site from my surgery last September. I wonder how long it takes for that to go away. It's only a one inch incision, there are 3 incision sites and I notice occasional twinges from all but mostly from the one in my belly button. I wish I were trying this month! But I'm glad I'm not too. I would be so worried if I was doing this without insurance and I don't think there is any way I could afford COBRA. I was talking to a coworker the other day and she is about 7 weeks pregnant with twins. Someone else had told her to show me her ultrasound pic and then was worried I would feel bad because I am trying too. I don't. I am really happy for this woman. I hope it all goes great for her. I think she did IVF because she did with her first child so likely it hasn't been an easy road for her and I think it's awesome that she's pregnant again. We actually had a lot who were pregnant at work all pretty much due about the same time. One other coworker though has been off work for like 2-3 weeks and still has at least 3 weeks of bedrest and it's still really early in her pregnancy. I feel bad for her. It also freaks me out because if that was me, I would be in so much trouble being off work that long. So I know I need time to build up my vacation time etc. So, I wait.

Interesting

I was talking to a co-worker this morning at shift change and she mentioned that she had only been at the hospital I'm at for 3 year or so but not all of it in NICU. She is an on-call employee for the NICU. I asked how long she was in the NICU before she went on-call and her response was about 8 months. Gee, I've been there 9 months in the NICU and it's not ok for me to stay on-call? I'm trying very hard not to be bothered by this (and failing miserably). I understand about them "worrying" I would lose my skills being only on call if I was only working occassionally but they are short and I'm offering them at least 1 shift every weekend for the next 3 months. Hmm. Feels a bit more personal now. I know I shouldn't be bothered but it really would be so much easier to do my second job hours at the hospital I already work at. Now I'm contemplating being unprofessional (yes I know I shouldn't) and using some of that sick time I will lose.

Two Week Notice Given

Well, I gave my two week notice this weekend. I had typed it out and given it to the night shift assistant nurse manager and also to the nurse manager. I offered to continue to work occasional on call shifts. This morning as I was leaving I ran into my nurse manager and asked if she had gotten my letter and she said no but she knew I had been unhappy for a long time and knew that I was looking. I mentioned the offer to stay on call and that was quickly refused. She told me their policy was that on call employees must have 3 years of full time experience first. Strangely I felt a little bad to not be wanted. Stupid probably but it just felt so final. I sort of tried to talk to her and she didn't really seem to have much to say but then she usually doesn't. This is a woman who in all honesty, terrifies me. I've been told that she is very nice but she seems so aloof I just never know what to think. I'm still trying to decide what to do about a second job. I can stay on at the other hospital that I'm an on call employee at (yes I know my job situation is insane, due to the need of a second job which I have had a very difficult time finding one that would work) continuing to do NICU and hope they use me more than I have been used lately. Or, I can try to get on doing something else in the hospital I work at. And I have 2 weeks to decide. It seems very weird to be leaving the hospital I'm at now again. I really truly like it there but just can't find what I want there.
Another thing I forgot to mention last week. I finally got a response from my mom in regards to the letter I sent her in December about my plans to have a baby. Nothing like taking 2 months to respond. It seems she spent a good deal of time trying to decide how to respond. The letter was very neutral. She was neither supportive or discouraging. My general impression was that she wasn't thrilled with my plans, but didn't want to burn any bridges with me which I have to admire. Lord knows she has burned plenty in the past and for her to show this kind of restraint is impressive.
I have decided to hold off on my next AI attempt until the end of June. That will be just a few days prior to my insurance picking up and I won't even know until after my insurance starts. I think the timing will be good. If my cycles continue as it appears to be on fertility friend then I should be doing AI a day or 2 after my birthday which is on June 20th and right now my estimated ovulation date is June 24th which will be the 13th anniversary of when my dad passed away. Getting pregnant at that time to me would be a good circle. I hate to wait as my impatience is always in motion but I know that waiting is what I need to do. So, I will wait. I may be crazy by June, but maybe it will help not taking care of babies every day at work. Now, if I don't go to bed, I will fall asleep at my desk.

My Girlies are Two

Today is the birthday of my girlies. My fantastic, unusual, curious, cats. Ok, so yes, I know I'm a bit over the top but I can't seem to help myself. Two years ago today I allowed their mama to give birth on my bed. Which started at least a 2 week battle with mama kitty about where the babies would sleep. I would put babies and mama in box and somewhere around 4 in the morning, here would come mama with a baby in her mouth, usually carrying it around by it's head, trying to put the baby in bed with me. If I locked her out of the bedroom, she sat outside the door and cried. I finally ended up borrowing a cage from a friend (lg dog cage) and locking her up at nights. It was an experience. So, here I am from this which was taken about a day and a half after they were born:

To this, the inquisitive kitties who will never leave me alone at my desk, who walk across the keyboard, chew on cords, steal my hair elastic ties and generally get into stuff and never act like they have heart problems (they do):

Miss Sarafina Suzy busy watching birds till I so rudely interrupted her.

And Miss Luna Lulubelle who likes to climb in the basket on my shelf and sleep but had a bit of difficulty this time as the basket almost fell off the shelf, but she was NOT going to give up her spot.

Ok, yes I am aware that I'm goofy and a bit over the top. Just wait till I have a baby!

I Got The Job!!

I just got a phone call about an hour ago regarding the job interview I had 2 weeks ago for the clinic here in town in the GI office and was offered the job. Wow, I had pretty much given up hope on that one. Apparently they have been trying to check my references and have had a hard time getting a hold of some of my previous employers. The good news is that they pay cut is only 50 cents an hour (not including the raise I was due to get in April) and with that I don't have to pay for my medical benefits as they are paid 100% by my employer and I don't have to pay union dues. The schedule is Mon-Fri 8am to 5pm. Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my gosh, I can't believe I finally get to go back to sleeping at night. That will be so great. Plus, once I do have a baby the schedule will be so much more daycare friendly. This is really kind of a relief to me as I was so sure I was going to have to turn the job down because of low pay. Granted, I'm still losing my shift differential which was 2.50 an hour but if I was switching to days at the hospital I would be losing that anyways. I'm still going to try to stay there on call for a while too as I'm still trying to pay off other bills. I'm not sure what to do about my TTC right now. I had planned to take this month off while I'm getting labs checked and then do a Dr. assisted IUI next month but I will have 3 months without medical insurance unless I do Cobra which is so spendy. I probably should wait until I have medical or am close to having medical again. I think I will be without medical until July. Yuck. Funny, that never really bothered me much before last September. I had my medical benefits for 3 weeks before my appendix decided it was done with me. The hospital billed my insurance 25K for a freaking appendix. I can't even imagine what that would have been like if I hadn't had insurance. That would also give me 3 months to work on eating better and maybe to lose weight (yeah right, I've been trying since last August and am not really sure what makes me think I would be successful now). But I don't want to wait. I want to be pregnant sooner rather than later. I'm really wishing I wasn't so worried about potential diseases and biological dads who won't just go away like I would want them to as just going out partying for a night is sounding better all the time. Hey, then I'd even get to have sex. Yes, I know, this is a bad plan even if the sex part sounds very enticing. Oh, I also got my labs done the other day on CD3. I just got a call from my doctors nurse and she said my levels looked good. Like an idiot, I didn't think to have her send me a copy of those results until after I hung up the phone but I will try to remember to ask for that when I get my progesterone drawn in a couple weeks. Thats a relief. As far as your question Vanessa, I don't know if my insurance will cover the cost of those labs or not. I will have to wait and see. I hope they do. It all depends I think on how she coded the request for the labs.

Feeling Better

Well, thanks everyone for your kind words of support. I am feeling somewhat better. Partially because I have a plan. Granted I still have spent the last few days thinking of all the worst possible scenarios. What if I start menopause early, what if I never get pregnant, what if it takes me 15 tries like I've read it has some people (I will be totally loony if it goes that far I'm sure). All of these thoughts have led me to decide that I need to investigate various hormone levels prior to spending any more money on donor sperm. I have one vial left but am planning to use it as IUI and have my doctor do it after I have gotten some lab work done, maybe next month. I called my doctors office today and spoke to my doctors nurse and told her what I wanted (I forgot to tell her though that I was CD 3) and she said she would talk to the doc and call me back this afternoon. I told her I wanted to check FSH, Estradiol and Progesterone for sure and that I knew I was going to have to have at least a couple of different lab draws. I also am taking my antidepressant again. I really don't think that I can keep doing this TWW unmedicated since things that would seem bad normally anyways (fear of not getting pregnant) seem like at least 100 times worse unmedicated I've decided that maintain my sanity it's necessary. Then once I do get pregnant I can wean myself off of the meds. Not the best situation but a necessary one for me. I noticed the last few days feeling very much like past times where everything seems so dark and hopeless. My med is a pregnancy catagory B which means it's one of the safer ones for pregnancy so it should be ok for a few weeks into the pregnancy. So, that is my plan for now.
I had a good time in Seattle but then I always have a good time when I spend time with my best friend R. We have been friends since we were 12 and I have to say that I really don't know what I would do without her. I also got to meet Berrymom for lunch on Monday and had a great time visiting with her and getting to see the absolutely adorable Ethan. And while I was at Bell Square I found and bought some Martini mixers that are wonderful. They let me sample the mixer without the alcohol of course in the store so I bought some of each and I need to go get some Vodka. Since I'm not pregnant, I may as well enjoy some martinis. One was an orange pomegranate mixer and the other was a raspberry peach. Yumm.
Oh and happy happy, it's a little bit sunny. I am so sick of clouds, rain, snow and dreary weather. Of course it's still pretty windy here but I'll take it. I even went outside and took the dog for a walk this morning much to her delight.

CD 1

It's official. Old witch showed finally at 11:30 pm last night after toying with me all day because even though I knew she was coming, since she didn't I kept hoping. I know I can and will try again. I know this is only one try and the chances of it happening on the first try were small but what if it never happens. What if I waited to long and I'm too old or what if I'm too fat. I seem to be a huge failure at losing weight. I don't think that emotionally or financially I can do this as many times as I know some have. I figure at best I can afford 8 or 9 tries now and thats just with the bare basic minimums. Thats not looking at meds, RE's etc. I know, right now I'm just feeling really discouraged because of this 2 week ride and soon I should feel better and get right back into it.

Pretty Sure I'm Out

Well, I am pretty sure I won't be getting my BFP this month. Yesterday I was so sure. I was positive I was pregnant as I still was getting these queasy moments and was having some cramping that was totally different from regular AF type cramps. This morning I woke up and took my temp, it dropped. It was down below coverline and I was having more cramps that definitely felt more like AF type of cramps. Digital pregnancy test was negative. I'm expecting AF today or tomorrow. So, on to the next try. I don't know when that will be. I have 1 vial left of donor 280 that I had hoped to use as an IUI having the doctor do it. I sort of feel like I should make some sort of decision about my work situation though before I decide to try and get pregnant again. I would very much love to stay at the hospital I work for but I could wait months before a position I want to do opens up there. I didn't get the job for the supplemental position at the other hospital in town. I still haven't heard from the clinic that I interviewed with where I thought the interview went so well. So, I'm not sure where that leaves me. I just know it would be a lot more difficult to change jobs while pregnant a risk losing insurance for 3 months and to have to worry about not having any vacation time etc built up before I left. So, on to the next step although I don't know for sure what the next step is. Thanks everyone for your encouragement. I appreciate it. Now, I'm off to enjoy the rest of my trip to Seattle.

I'm being good

I'm being good. I haven't peed on any more sticks. Though they are calling for me really loudly now. I want to thank everyone for cheering me on. I almost tested today but decided I would make myself wait until tomorrow. Plus, I am leaving for Seattle as soon as I get off work in the morning so I won't have any FMU all day. So maybe Saturday. Granted I seriously considered seeing who was in the lab tonight and if they would run a blood test for me off line. If it's a BFP it would show up in the blood test. What held me back is that if it's a BFN, I would have had to work all night with that knowledge. That said, at this moment, I'm feeling somewhat optimistic for several reasons. It's CD 27 for me and even though I ovulated a little later this month and so it's a little off, my temp went up again today. I don't usually put to much hope in my temps as I never manage to take my temp at the same time every day. However, even with that, my temp has consistently dropped on CD 26 the last 3 months for me. Also have been having not quite nausea, but feeling sort of blah. That is the only way I can explain it. I have been having some twinges/cramps in my lower abdomen today which don't feel like AF cramps and I don't ever have cramps prior to AF, just after she arrives. So while I know all of this is not conclusive, and I know I could still possibly get the BFN I'm dreading, and I know that if I do, it's not the end of the world and I can and will try again, I am feeling optimistic at this time. I have my 3 digital pregnancy tests packed up in my suitcase for Seattle. I also have my camera so if it is positive, I can take a picture of it. So with that in mind