Going To The Movies *with a little update*

Or went actually. I went to see "Couples Retreat" with a friend from work. Super funny really good movie. There were a couple of moments where you worried a bit about what they were doing but it was really good. **Oh and I forgot, there is a bit of an infertility subplot** Go figure. After the movie we ended up standing outside for a while talking. I'm not totally sure how we worked our way around to the topic but we ended up discussing my mom and her absence in my life. I know part of it is that a few of my coworkers are now aware that I was formerly associated with the religion that another coworker currently belongs to. I've voiced that I don't want her to know that I used to belong to that religion as I'm afraid it would cause tension. Anyways, we were discussing my mom, the things she has done to hurt me and the mind fuck games she has played with me all based in her brainwashed mind as being the work of God. Talking about it made it hurt all over again. It made me angry that she has checked out of my life completely but yet still feels compelled to say that I've checked out of her life and to lie to my sister and say that she's been in contact with me. It hurts again how she has completely failed to support me as an adult who is capable of making independent decisions. It hurts that she can go on to her friends and the relatives she is in contact with about how she reaches out to me and tries to help me when it's nothing more than a pile of lies. It pisses me off that after 7 fucking years it still can hurt. It pisses me off that I can still feel badly that she isn't at some life event for me or that it's not worth sharing my moments of happiness or pain with her and it pisses me off even more that I would even want to. It makes me angry to think about how she always told me that I was chosen to be their daughter that they longed so much for but couldn't have and so they adopted me because I was special but when I don't turn out just the way she thinks I should have then she checks out. It pisses me off that it was almost 3 years ago when I wrote to her and told her of my decision to become a mom and it took her 3 months to even respond with 2 sentences and she has never bothered to e-mail me or call to ask what happened with that. It pisses me off that my child may not ever have a grandparent. She can play grandma to my sisters baby (hell I guess she even played grandma to my sisters dog before the baby came along) but yet she can act like I don't even exist. Then it all comes back to being so mad that this still hurts me and makes me cry.