Epic Fail

So the comment I just received from Navigating the Rapids just reminded me that I hadn't updated here. I have on FB, but not here.

So the whole mama and babies living here didn't work out so well. Turns out mama was a lot more wild than I knew or expected. She was ok with being petted sometimes which is what I had seen. Last week I had moved the babies and mama into my spare bathroom and was wearing gloves in whenever I went in to pet her. If I was sitting on the floor she was fine with me petting her or me petting the babies. When I was trying to leave the bathroom, change her food and water dishes etc she wasn't quite so fine and could be pretty aggressive. Monday morning when I went in to clean her litter box and give her food etc she attacked my leg while I was scooping her box. I ended up with a very nasty cat bite on my leg. That ended up causing a trip to urgent care and I'll be on antibiotics for 10 days. I'm still not convinced that I'm not going to require having this drained as it's still pretty red, swollen and hard. Also hurts like a bitch. That afternoon after discussing it with the neighbor lady who was working with me we decided mama needed to go. I called the SPCA and they came and picked up mama and babies within about 2 hours. I had considered trying to keep the babies and bottle feed them but being only a week old they would need to eat about every 3 hours. Factor in 6 babies and I think I would have been constantly feeding babies. Not to mention my 12 hour shifts with no one to take care of them. I'm just hoping that someone took the kittens to foster them who would be able to do the whole bottle feeding thing. The guy from SPCA had told me that most likely mama would be put down as she was un-vaccinated and sort of feral. I feel bad for the kittens but I had to take a step back and remember I can't save them all and that it wasn't my fault. I tried to take care of it when the people who claimed to own mama failed to do so but didn't catch it in time.

Now I'm just hoping I don't have to have this wound on my leg drained or something equally awful.

Cats, Cats, And More Cats!

So, I woke up this morning with my usual 3 cats. By shortly after 2pm I seem to have tripled that number and now currently have 10. Yes. You read that right. 10. Not that they are all mine but I suppose for the here and now they are essentially mine as they are in my garage and in my care.

I love cats. Love, love, love cats. Cats are awesome. It also bothers me when people treat cats as disposable pets. I know dogs and pretty much any other potential pet like animal gets treated this way but it sometimes seems that cats really get the bum end of the deal when it comes to being pets. Sort of a big pet peeve of mine.

There are a couple of different neighborhood cats who hang around my condo. Mostly because the little old lady across from me feeds them. A little over a week ago a friend of mine pointed out that one of them was pregnant. Oh goody. So I went to talk to neighbor who feeds them about soon to be mama kitty. Neighbor thought they were both pregnant and we decided to check around and go in together on getting the kitties fixed. Since then we have figured out that one wasn't pregnant (and possibly male?) just fat and we don't know who "owns" that one. There is a young girl around 13 who claimed to own the pregnant one but stated her mom couldn't afford to fix the cat. I can sort of understand this with the knowledge that she is a single mom but checking around town found a spay/neuter clinic that charges $45 to spay cat. Not really a huge amount. My feeling is that it's not a priority to the 13 year olds mom. The cat isn't allowed inside (their dog is) and is fed by neighbor lady (I don't know if the 13 year old feeds it too).

At any rate, my annoyance aside at how people treat animals, me and the neighbor made plans to have the pregnant kitty spayed. Appointment was made for today (Monday). Then on Friday preggo kitty disappeared. I had been worried that she would have her kittens as she looked pretty close but the weather was also pretty awful on Friday night and Saturday. Saturday afternoon I left my garage door open a few inches hoping maybe she would come in. Saturday night I left for work, closed up etc. Sunday morning I came home. Finally last night I called and left a message that we hadn't managed to catch the preggo kitty so she would not be coming in this morning. This afternoon I headed out to get my bike out of the garage to go for a ride and heard squeaky noises.

I immediately started looking for babies. Sure enough. Mama must have come into the garage on Saturday looking for a sheltered place to have her babies and decided my pet stroller that was stored in the garage was the perfect place. So I now have a mama kitty and 6 kittens in my garage. The kittens are probably about 2 days old near as I can tell and mama is very protective. I don't know how she will deal with me driving in and out of the garage but I'm fine with her staying there for the next 6 weeks or so with the babies. Likely I will at some point have to start parking elsewhere for a while. I've got some food out there, water and a litter box. Young teen girl did come over this afternoon asking to see the kittens and then came back later asking if I needed anything. I did appreciate that although noticed that I saw nothing of her mother. My goal is for them to stay in the garage until they are weaned and then to work at re-homing them all. When they are weaned we'll take mama and get her fixed. I would also love to get all the kittens fixed prior to re-homing. That way I know it will get done. I'll have to check around and see what can be done and how soon etc.

Funny I have a magnet on my locker at work that says "I'm one relationship away from owning 30 cats." I need to add a second line to that saying " and 20 cats" since I guess for now I'm the crazy "owner" of 10.

So Tired

I always tell myself after not to do this to myself again. I also always seem to forget. Last night I worked in the newborn nursery. Ok night. Busy. I started off with 7 babies being cared for by myself and another nurse. We stayed at 6-8 for the night and it was busy but ok. Day shift however was also looking busy and short staffed. I was asked to stay over an extra 4 hours so that the day nurse in the nursery (who doesn't usually work there) wouldn't be alone with 7 babies. So I worked from 7pm Thursday night until 11am Friday morning. I'm so freaking tired. Came home and had to unwind a bit from all the extra caffeine and finally went to bed at 1pm. I knew I'd be off work until 11pm and was hoping for the whole night off. No call to come in so far so I must be off. I'm also completely ready to go back to bed. I keep telling myself not to do a long shift like that but I'd probably end up doing it again. The money is nice plus I hate leaving someone else so short and busy since I know what it's like myself.

Our patient population is interesting. A lot of uninsured and under insured patients. I understand on many levels how people end up in such positions and that things like insurance and health care aren't always readily available to others. I see too though those who have some level of coverage and yet who don't utilize it. Women who have med*i*cal but don't seek or continue with prenatal care. Often it's drug related. A lack of prenatal care is usually a cue for a drug screen and it's sad how many of our laboring mom's test positive for Meth and marijuana. Other drugs will show up occasionally but those are the big ones. Some of course deny it, some are very open about it stating yes they used etc.

Recently I had a mom who tested positive and baby did too. Social work involved but all was cleared. However when baby didn't get released as planned mom gets hostile, stating she has 4 other children and she knows how to take care of the baby. I find myself trying to understand that likely she was feeling fear that her parenting skills were being questioned and in some ways they were but it was in the interest of what was best for baby. I want to say sometimes that reacting in a hostile manner towards myself or the physician doesn't really do anything to help your position although I can realize to that would likely lead to more hostility based on fear etc. What was being asked of the mom was something that should have been requested of any parent although especially one where there is a concern for will mom seek medical attention for the baby if needed. I hope for the babies sake that mom is able to get herself together and properly care for her children.

I also had good moments this morning and something that made me glad I stayed. All night we'd had a baby who's mom had been pretty sick and had been transferred to another unit in the hospital. That unit had called to ask if we could bring baby up for mom to see it as she hadn't really had a chance to hold it yet. Had the day nurse been alone she wouldn't have been able to do that. Possibly mom could have been given the ok to come down for a bit but because I was still there and things had calmed down some I was able to take baby up for a visit. It was great to get to see how happy mom was to get to see and hold her baby. For dad and grandma to get to take pictures and to give them that moment even if it was short, as a new family.

That's why I do it. To help and provide care for those in need. Now I just need another nap for my poor body to recover.

Books!

Lots of books. With no room. I LOVE books. Reading is my favorite hobby and I spend a pretty fair amount of time doing it. So far this year my count is 24 books. Last year I read almost 90. Years ago I used to keep every book I bought/read. However with as much as I've moved that was really not a lot of fun. Lots and lots of books through 30 some moves? Umm, no thank you.

So I've gotten rid of most of them and am down to keeping just some of the ones that are my absolute favorites. Which is down to about 2 shelves now on an average size book case. Not too much space until I added additional furniture to the living room and now I have no space for my book shelf. I've currently moved it to the entry way but I'm pretty sure that is not a permanent place. Since I really like my apartment and don't want to move any time soon, hence I'm not expecting to have additional space any time soon, I'm trying to figure out what to do with everything.

Which brings me to the whole e-reader thing. I've been resistant to the e-readers. I love the actual books. Really. I couldn't quite see how it would be as good as a book. I've sat on the fence, went back and forth been undecided. All of that. Towards the end of last year though I had downloaded a kindle app to my ipod. Bought a cheapie book that I'd never heard of just to see if it was doable. Seemed to work pretty well, frequent page turning but not bad. Then my favorite author put out a new book so I bought it. I had a really hard time with that book. It was hard to follow and to keep up with what was happening. I ended up thinking probably not. Then I read some reviews of the book and realized others said the same thing about the book, that it was hard to follow, too many characters etc. So I tried another. Loved it. So now I'm fairly hooked. My plan eventually is to get either a kin*dle or an i*p*a*d (would prefer the i one which is possibly more in range now that a newer version is coming out) and when I buy books in the future, mostly buy e-books. Easier. Although realistically the cost isn't much of a difference but cost doesn't usually stop me from buying books.

All this had me looking at my bookshelf this afternoon though and thinking how much more space I'd have if I eventually replaced all my favorites with e-books that were much easier to store. Then I could get rid of the falling down book case too.

Hmmm. More ideas.

Laundry Day

So today was once again laundry day. It's not really a day I look for

ward to but turns out my cats do. They love laundry day. Mostly because it involves warm places. They never cease to crack me up. Most of these pics were taken with my ipod so the quality isn't great. I only grabbed the real camera for the first one here. There were so funny though I had to share.

Annabelle enjoying the warmth of the dryer

Cassie sitting on top of the dryer. She is the only one who has figured out that it's warm there.

Sara and Annabelle in the dryer. They are enjoying the pillow cases that were still left.

Annabelle curled up and made herself comfy on the towels I had just removed from the dryer.

This one of Cassie and Sara in the window was just too sweet. Course a minute later they started squawking at each other. Temporary peace for the sake of the sun.

Last night in bed I noticed that Cassie had laid down on top of Lizzie so she could be close to me. Sort of cracks me up. I guess she's not afraid of the dog anymore. I'm pretty sure the dog is still afraid of her though. Lizzie never moved an inch in spite of the cat sleeping on top of her. Goofy animals.

Finding My Way Back

I'm trying. Really. I miss blogging but am still struggling with feeling like I don't have anything to say that would interest anyone. I'm not actively TTC nor is any future cycles even anywhere in my plan. What you said though St. Elsewhere is true. As much as I'm not consummed with TTC the whole thought process never goes away.
So what's up in my life? Not a whole lot. A lot of time spent with my fur babies. Not nearly enough time spent exercising. I know I feel better when I exercise but good gracious do I hate working out. Some time sewing, a lot of time reading and keeping my hiney home so I won't spend money unnecessarily. I'm good at that. Spending money unnecessarily. Actually I'm noticing a tendency to be a bit compulsive in several habits, none of them good. Like compulsive exercise. That would be a good one right now and one I fantasize a bit about having.
Right now I'm praying no more of my animals get sick. We've had a bit of sick around here and I still owe the vet like $400. Much of my vacation last week was spent at the vets office. They know me an my animals there really well. Everyone right now seems mostly well. Except Cassie who is trying as I type to lick more of her fur off. Seems she's having an identity crisis and thinks she's supposed to be a Sphynx. Cassie is my newest addition. She's a 9 year old Cornish Rex that I rescued from a local shelter. She's really sweet but does have a bit of an OCD thing going on in the form of compulsive grooming. So far her entire neck and most of her head are pretty much bare. She looks a bit like she's got a mohawk. I don't know what the conditions of her surrender were but this has been going on for a while as she has been on the current medication before. She also seems to share Sara's aversion to litter boxes but has thankfully picked up Sara's habit of using potty pads. Not perfect but we manage. So now I'm the owner of 3 cats. And a dog. Mostly everyone tolerates everyone else but outside of my kitten Annabelle loving the dog I can't say everyone likes everyone else. During last weeks sick episodes I discovered that Sara's heart problem is getting worse and I figure it's only a matter of time before my fantabulous vet wants her to see a kitty cardiologist. I don't even want to consider the cost of that. Lizzie is still her little neurotic loveable self as well which we mostly manage fine. I just know what her limitations are and work around them. Like if I want her to go somewhere I don't even hint that I'm leaving until I have her leash securely attached. The funniest part of all my animals lately? Their absolute fascination with my food. Sara and Luna never wanted people food. Wouldn't touch it. Annabelle and Cassie see no problem with walking up to my plate and helping themselves. I keep telling them that licking it doesn't make it automatically theirs but I don't think they believe me.
So that's me lately. Crazy cat lady in progress.

Pain And Babies

I know I've talked about it before here but I have chronic pain issues. I've been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis and some other form of arthritis, likely rheumatoid although I test negative for that. Most of it I just deal with. A bit harder since I am not supposed to take NSAIDs anymore after having gastric bypass but usually manageable. I know I'm actually fairly lucky that my pain isn't more debillitating as I've know plenty with more problems then me. Mostly it's just annoying. Some of the issues I can go back and blame on my weight like my knees. Some however isn't weight related. Like my shoulders and hands. Also it's not just the fibro pain as it's my joints that frequently ache and burn. The biggest problem for me is that it can often be hard to fall asleep since I'm uncomfortable and it's hard to get comfortable enough to fall asleep. Lately melatonin has been my friend.
A year and a half ago my Rheumatologist decided that I probably had psoriatic arthritis (even though I only have one small occasional patch of psoriasis and occasional rashes) and put me on En*brel. This wasn't my favorite decision but it did bring my sed rate and CRP down to a normal level for the first time in my life I think. Of course according to MD there is no lab test or whatever to definitively diagnose psoriatic arthritis) and hello have you seen the TV commercials for this shit? One of the potential side effects is Lymphoma. I've whined and complained to my primary doc about this and my fears of it and was basically told that I could take the medicine and have a small off chance of getting Lymphoma or have my joints degenerate so severely that by age 50ish I would no longer be able to do much for myself. Hmm. What a choice.
Even with this medication though I've continued to still have significant joint pain/discomfort. When I saw my Rheumatologist in July he asked if I wanted to go back on a drug that is very contraindicated in pregnancy and my response was no. When I force myself to sit and analyze that decision I have to admit that there is still some small place in me where I hope that I might still meet someone, falling madly (and quickly) in love and end up with a surprise and viable pregnancy. Yeah I know. I often can't account for the workings of my mind.
In spite of how unrealistic this fantasy of sorts is, it's still there. Cause at 41 almost 42 with nothing but miscarriages to my record and no potential suitable men in sight it could still happen and I'd be stupid enough to not worry about birth control if it did. Well that last part might be true, it's been a long time and should the oportunity to have sex come up I might not be thinking about much other than "WOW, I GET TO HAVE SEX!!!)but really? What makes me think my ovaries are going to magically produce something workable after I spent so much time and money trying to force them into submission? Besides should any of the above ever happen it's not like I couldn't go off the medication and wait a couple of months and then be good to go.
It's just mind boggling to me though that all this time later, that whole maybe baby thing is still always there at the back of my mind and fucking with me. Does it ever stop?

Ring In The New Year

So I hope everyone's New Year was great. Mine was so so. I rang in the new year at work and on New Years Eve it was pretty busy, add in some drama and I would have preferred to sleep through it. Last night wasn't too bad though thankfully.
The drama was of course work related. Turns out the supervisor I worked under 3 years ago who was so incredibly mean spirited is now in training to be house supervisor. Oh goody. She was the one who made frequent fat jokes/comments to me and others, and basically made my work environment a hostile place. Yeah. That one. I got the oh so lovely news when I received a phone call from her in regards to a needle stick I had just gotten. Not really my best night.
The needle stick really wasn't a big deal in my opinion. I had just given a shot to a baby and nicked my hand with the needle. All very low risk. I thought it was a crack up though how one of the residents in the ED was all about pushing me to have a tetanus vaccine since "tetanus is a very nasty disease" and it had been 9 years since my last vaccine. Yeah right. Where's the risk? It was a sterile needle that had been used on a newborn. No thank you. Last time I had a tetanus shot it made my arm go numb for a day, two days after I received the shot so it wasn't the technique of the person giving the shot.
I did have a kind of nice weekend (yes even at work) in a way too though. I had the greatest couple with a new baby. I really liked them. They were so sweet and Dad was so attentive to mom and baby. So often we have the dads who want to stay over and then do nothing to help their wives/girlfriends. The mom also reminded me a little bit of myself. She was a fluffy girl who was so sweet. In talking she had mentioned that they had a hard time getting pregnant and they were so excited to finally have their baby. New Year's Eve dad stayed till midnight and had a bunch of mistletoe hung on the IV bag hanger to kiss in the New Year. I just really enjoyed being her nurse. Baby was adorable too. So last night I took her one of my blankets. I debated a bit as I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable but I just really wanted her to have one. She seemed to like it so I hope it didn't make her feel strange.
Now I'm off for the next 4 nights and boy am I ready for some days off. Now though it's bed time as I'm beat after 3 nights at work.
Happy New Year to everyone!!!

Happy New Year!

Here it is. Another year. 2012. I guess I'll admit that my New Years wish or resolution or whatever it was didn't happen again this year. Most of the time I'm ok with that. Most of the time men seem to be more trouble than they are worth.
Other than a rough start of 2011 and the loss of two of my fur babies it was a pretty good year. I'm content with my life and where it's at even though I'm not where I would have thought I'd be and things haven't turned out like I planned. So true that life is what happens while you're making plans. Or something along those lines anyways.
For me the holidays have been spent working which is ok too. I've had some fabulous mamas tonight and adorable babies. Always a great way to ring in the new year. Granted yesterday didn't feel all that great. Crazy busy and then I ended up with a needle stick a couple hours before the end of my shift. Total pain. I'd done this once before and remember being way more worried about it. Granted at that time it was a homeless guy and this time it was a baby. Plus last time it was mid cycle while TTC and so I had that worry or fear as well. The most difficult part this time was the call from the house supervisor. Who just happened to be the previous charge nurse I worked with 3 years ago who was so awful. The one who made the frequent fat jokes and comments? Yeah that one. She was also the one who was continuously trying to stir up trouble anywhere she went. If you told her something in confidence she was sure to go tell everyone else etc. This just bugs me on so many levels. It bugs me that a person like this is in a position such as house supervisor. It bugs me that she harassed me for close to a year and had no consequences from it. Granted to some extent I do realize that I never pushed it. I talked to my manager but never went to HR as all I could see was my life getting worse if I did so.

Knock, Knock. Anyone Still There?

So two months ago I wrote about having so many posts rolling around in my head.
Yup, they're still there. A few more have even been added. Posts about work and babies and pain and life after gastric bypass and all the crazy shit in between.
I miss blogging. I regularly compose posts or parts of posts in my head but by the time I sit down to actually post them they seem lame, boring or like something I've posted over and over again. Sometimes I don't know where to begin. Other times I feel like I don't know where I would end the tirade.
After a few nights from hell at work, those work posts seem to be at the front of the line. I've come to the conclusion that if you are pregnant and due sometime around Christmas the doctor is likely going to try to induce you or convince you to induce in the week before Christmas. We have been insanely busy the last week (after a few weeks of hearing crickets in the halls due to the lack of busy). I'm guessing that by the weekend we may go back to crickets in the hall. Or maybe that noise is the cockroaches which have been known to be pretty damn big. All I know is that after last night I can imagine what 0ct0-m0m felt like taking all them newborns home. Yeah, it was me and 7 babies in the nursery last night with the occasional extra throw in with a need for a lab draw, or 02 sat monitor, or car seat challenge thrown in for shits and giggles. While there was plenty of shit there were very few giggles. End the night with a few rude comments from the oncoming day shift (from a nurse who told a family member of a patient that I'm rude) and I'm so glad it was my Friday. See all the work folks again on Christmas Eve.
I have four nights to play fetch with Annabelle, snuggle with Sara, walk Lizzie and hopefully throw in some exercise other than walking Lizzie in there since I also plan to eat a little chocolate. I have a massage scheduled and me and my poor sore muscles are really looking forward to that. Some time to spend with friends, especially one who's a bit fragile right now after losing her husband a little over a week ago. Oh and lets not forget my last scheduled visit (please I hope) with the physical terrorist (physical therapy). Work related injuries suck but at least the knee seems to be getting better. Sort of.
Now maybe I need a nap. I hope though that everyone has a Merry Christmas or Hanukkah or whatever Holiday you may or may not celebrate!

So Much

I have so many things rolling around in my head now that I feel a desire to post about. Yet I don't know how to formulate it out into a cohesive post that isn't book length. In addition to that along with my feelings of violation that I've dealt with in my personal life thanks to the break in a few weeks ago I don't really feel safe on line right now either. My laptop that was taken had my entire life on it. Everything. I've applied all the necessary flags to credit reports etc although I'm guessing if they tried to open a line of credit anywhere other than some rent-a-center sort of place that they were sorely disappointed. However it also had some VERY personal stuff on it as well. It had a journal that I had kept years ago that granted I hadn't wrote on in a very long time but it's there. It also had links to my blog and many of my on line accounts. I've of course changed all my passwords etc but that doesn't mean that they can't see anything if they're looking. I do understand that logically as soon as they got what they wanted off my laptop (my SSN which was in last years tax info that was on my computer) they likely wiped everything and have since sold my computer but there is this fear that they are watching and waiting to break in again. I went out of town this last week and I had a hard time posting anything on FB about it while I was gone and there is no way I would have posted anything about it here. I keep thinking "What if they are watching my blog to see if I've replaced stuff and when I'm not home so they can come back?" I do understand that this isn't entirely logical as why would they bother with that when I haven't posted all that much in the last year and all but the thoughts are there. I know what if's are wasted energy but the thought is still there. I've considered going password protect for a while until I feel more comfortable. I don't love that idea but yet I don't really feel safe here.

I'm still here for now. I'm doing fine. I have a new fur baby that I've been posting lots of pics of on FB. Work has been busy but otherwise life is mostly good if a little overwhelming and confusing sometimes.

Internet by iPod sucks

Ok so thank you Peta B for pointing out that there's an app for that! Of course spell check just tried to change your name.
So yes folks I have been with fairly limited Internet coverage for most of the week. It's just me and my little ol iPod. Those who know me on Facebook know that Tuesday night while I was at work my apartment got broke into. I lost two TVs, a blueray player and my laptop. Outside of the general loss and all the bullshit associated with that, I've spent most of the week struggling with the emotional trauma of it all. Trying to not over think it all and wonder if I had met somewhere the person(s) who did this. Trying to not be afraid to be alone in my house.
I've had a few things that have helped get through. My furbabies are ok. Not stolen or injured. Although by Thursday afternoon Lizzie was just DONE with strangers being in her house. I'm sure that she barked a lot at the intruders bit at 6 pounds she's not exactly intimidating. Also not much is unreplaceable. I had all my pics only laptop but I also had fairly recently backed it up to my portable hard drive which for some reason the thieves left. Granted realizing that they may have taken it as well has me determined to do some additional backing up of things. I did have renters insurance (that is a policy I took out in August!) which will pay to replace most of my stuff. There was some tax info (hence my SSN) on my laptop but I have flagged things and am lucky (?) that my credit is sufficiently sucky that I doubt they will be able to do much. A few other things that I don't love someone else having the ability to look at but I think I have changed all my account passwords.
The sort of ironic part of all this is that I had thought to myself on Monday night that I'd like to get a new computer. This however was not the method I had in mind.
Now my hand is starting to ache from the one handed typing and my sinuses are aching (cause I ended up getting a cold too this week) so I will stop for now. But hey, at least I had taken the iPod to work so I could play angry birds and I still have this and therefore some sanity. Hopefully the typos here are minimal.

Ouch!

My ovaries ache. Bitches. It's like they're mocking me. They're laughing it up saying "whoohoo, we can ovulate!" Fat lot of freaking good it's doing me without a single spermy any where in site. Yes even though I'm mostly ok with my child free status there are times when it still smarts.

Add my aching knees and hamstrings (I way over did it on the elliptical tonight) and sleep isn't happening very easily. Insomnia has been a problem again lately. Not so good when I have the work schedule from hell for the next 4 weeks. At least the schedule from hell is followed by 10 days vacation. Not sure yet where I'm going. I'd love to go to Disneyland as I've never been at Halloween. Other possible options is home to Washington for a few days or to Colorado. I've never been to Colorado which could be fun but it also could just be a hellish long drive. Or I could just go to Santa Barbara and the coast for a couple of days. One thing I know is that I'm tired of staying home so much. So the overtime should be good for something. Now if I can just live through it.

Clothes

I'm sitting here tonight working on one of my blankets and watching TV in my newly put together sewing room. Now I no longer have to have all my sewing stuff spread all over the living room to sew and watch TV at the same time. As much as I'm not big on most reality TV I've been watching What Not To Wear a lot lately. I have to admit that I would totally LOVE to be on that show. Mostly for the $5000 worth of clothes etc. However it would be nice to have someone help with what kind of things work for my new size.

I spent many years wearing jeans and t-shirts. When I was bigger I had the Hanes JMS t-shirts in every color almost every made. I had a few other outfits that I had purchased from a plus size store in Washington that I used to go to. They often would put together outfits that worked together and I would buy the whole outfit. It still was usually a casual sort of outfit though. To some extent I'm a little tired of always wearing only casual clothes. I don't know though where I would wear dressy stuff as I don't go out much. Work of course is scrubs so that's covered (and I buy a lot of scrubs because they are the easiest things to buy!)

I have been shopping more which is the fun part of all the weight I've lost. At least it is when I have money. I've managed a couple of blouses that look pretty good on me, even a pair of capri pants that goes with one of the blouses. I've got a couple of nice fall sweaters to wear when ever it cools down here. I even bought a dress last week. Now to work on shoes and a little bit more complete outfit. That and actually wearing said outfits. I tend to dress very casual around the house and then when I make a quick run out to the store or whatever, I don't bother to change. Or put on make up, do anything with my hair etc. Oh and I want a pair of heels. I have no idea where I'm going to wear them or even if I can still walk in them. But I want a pair of heels. I even found a pair tonight I like at Target. Of course the red pair I really liked doesn't match the new dress. Maybe I should get the black?

Silence

I had no specific plans to watch (or not watch) the coverage of the 10 year anniversary of September 11th. I hadn't actively sought out to remember the day in several years now. Like many other painful anniversaries it has seemed less painful the last few years and more of a time to think yes, I remember when it happened. Sometimes not hitting me until the day after, that another year had passed. I knew that this year was the 10 year anniversary and I'd marveled at how 10 years had passed. It seems so long ago and yet like just last year.

Tonight between watching stuff from DVR I saw that they were scheduled to show the movie about Flight 93. My first thought was that I wasn't going to watch that. I had tried a couple of years ago to watch the movie that was made about the police and fire teams that were at Ground Zero immediately after it happened and the tragedy of their loss but couldn't get into it for whatever reason. I figured it would be similar with this movie. Turns out though that I was quickly enthralled with it. I then went on to watch a documentary about a photographer from FEMA and her experiences and those of the people she photographed while there. It was very moving and brought back so much more than I would have expected it to do.

I know that anyone who was alive and old enough to understand at that time remembers where they were. Watching these two shows tonight showed me real life stories that I had either forgotten or missed during those following days and months. Things that I felt or experienced at the time but that I haven't thought about for years. Not just where I was but what my first thoughts were. The things unknown that first awful day. Being unsure where or from whom the attacks came from. The idea of terrorism here seeming so incredibly foreign. The fear. Walking through a hospital where every single able person was riveted to the televisions around them. I remember it dredging up all the fearful things my mom used to tell me about Armageddon and wondering if this was how it began. I remember who I spent time with that day and those images that played the first day. I remember several days later renting movies to get away from the ever repeating images. The one thing that I know I had forgotten until watching these shows tonight though, was the silence in the days immediately following. The skies above silent with no hint of any air craft, not even the Life Flight helicopters flying. Sitting outside, looking at the sky and wondering if anything would ever be the same.

Looking back now I know that there is so much that is vastly different from what life used to look like, when we were all still innocent of what could happen. Yet how adaptable we are and how it seems that people rarely stop to look at the changes we see and how they have shaped our lives and our view of the world around us. It sometimes seems as if nothing is the same and yet other times as if everything is the same.

Stuff

So I just noticed that someone that I wanted to remove from my FB friend list last year has removed me from theirs. This is a nice relief. I had hid her posts as I just didn't want to deal with the drama if it ever came to light that I un-friended her but now it seems she has removed me. Works for me.

Thanks everyone for your kind thoughts on my last post. I'm feeling a little bit better and it helps to have ones feelings acknowledge and not criticized. Also in looking back through my blog for the last year I noticed that about this time last year I had posted I was feeling a little bit down and attributed this to SAD (seasonal affective disorder). So it looks like a pattern of sorts and maybe that's the issue this year as well. It has started getting darker earlier and with that I'm seeing less daylight and especially since it's still hot but way past dark once it cools down and I don't go out much in the heat. Sort of makes me feel a bit better that there is possibly an actual cause behind my feelings of sadness or melancholy.

I will try to get some recent pictures up here soon. Plus I need to have someone take a picture of my new tattoo to post too! New as in I got it in July anyways. It's on the back of my leg though and rather difficult to take a picture of myself.

I'm pretty well settled in to my new apartment and even have my craft room set up. My plan is to do some sewing this weekend and post a few more blankets in my etsy store. I'm also dog sitting for my friend this weekend and so Lizzie will have some playmates. Having the other dogs around seems to help her social interactions with me as well so hopefully it will be a fairly good weekend. Plus I'm off work until next Wednesday! Yay.

Unfriended

My cousin un-friended me. I'm actually pretty happy about this. A year ago I had blogged a little about wanting to not have her be a friend on FB as I wanted to distance myself. I never did actually do it since I'm a chicken and didn't want to deal with confrontation of why aren't we "friends" anymore however I did hide her posts so that I didn't see them regularly. Turns out that sometime in the last few months she took care of the un-friending for me.

As kids we were always really close. Argued a lot but were close. We couldn't wait to be together and had a lot of fun. Then as we got older things seemed to change. The biggest things were that she was often sort of bossy towards me, for instance telling me that "I should send a sympathy card to my mom, her mom and another aunt" when their dad (my grandfather) passed away. At the time I thought this was really rude and annoying. We also had a disagreement several years ago over money basically where she completely shut me out of her life for a couple of years. She always made it clear that she didn't like my dog (Sadie) and didn't want her children around her because she licked too much and any time we got together it was totally on her terms or her convenience not mine. It was stuff that annoyed me but I mostly just ignored it. For quite a few years I did let her push me into doing what she wanted but the last few years I haven't. I didn't necessarily stand up and say "nope, I'm not going to do what you want me to" but instead just didn't do it.

The newest issue was that I had gotten in the last year or so a few FB messages from her about the wonderful letters she received from my mom. Those stung a bit. Hello, my mom writes to you and not me. One I sent back a message about how it's nice she keeps in contact with someone. To which I received a message that she didn't know that I still wasn't talking to my mom. Really? You figured that after 7 years she'd all of the sudden start talking to me? Then a few months ago she posted pics of my niece on my wall on FB that my mom had sent her, in case I hadn't seen them. I replied with a polite but maybe abrupt thank you and left it at that. I do realize that she likely wasn't trying to be hurtful with these messages but it truly felt like rubbing salt into the wound. Now I find that she's not on my friend list anymore. I feel a bit of relief over this. No more need to bother with politeness or worrying that she will see something I'd rather she not see.

Loving Who I Am?

I can't honestly say I've ever been very good at this. I work on it and have times in my life that I feel much more confident than others and feel that I'm closer to loving who I am but then I have back slides in where I feel so totally unlovable.

Towards the end of last year when I had lost close to 100 pounds I was admittedly feeling fabulous. Better than I ever had in fact. Lately though I've been struggling a lot more with it. In January my weight loss plateaued and I haven't lost any weight since then. I even gained about 4 pounds when I went to Washington at the end of July that has been stubbornly hanging around. Lately this has me feeling like a failure. I know that this isn't necessarily "logical". I can acknowledge the fact that I lost 115 pounds which is a HUGE accomplishment and that I'm so much healthier and lighter etc than I was 2 years ago. However there is a part of me that had hoped I'd lose so much more. Had hoped that I would lost 150 to 160 pounds and feels like I've failed somewhere along the way. I know that to a lot of people that statement doesn't make sense but it's a feeling I've had that some days I just haven't been able to turn off or make it go away. I would guess that it's possibly or even probably wrapped up in the feelings of melancholy or depression that have been pestering me more lately.

Most of the time I'm fairly content with my single gal life style in which I can do pretty much what I want, when I want. I sleep when I want, go where I want and do what I feel like doing without having to get input or entertain someone else on a regular basis. Most of the time I can find the enjoyment in this. The last couple of weeks though this has been a bit harder. I've been a bit more lonely and feeling left behind in that I never have found that special someone to share my life with. While yes I know it could still happen for now it hasn't and it's not something that seems or feels easy. It also annoys the hell out of me to be feeling melancholy over this. I don't want to feel like my life is only complete or happy if I have a significant other, or a baby, or whatever. I spent too many years like that. I've enjoyed the last year or so being happy with what I have and I want that back.

I'm guessing at this point that going back to the counselor is in my future. At the current moment it's a matter of budgeting to make it actually happen. One more thing to budget for. I also know that work lately has been super crazy with extra classes for a new computerized charting system that will be happening at the end of the month and I've been doing a lot of back and forth between days and nights which really messes my body up. It leaves me feeling drained and overwhelmed which is often when I feel the worst as far as the sadness and feelings of failure are concerned. Plus I'm starting to wonder if my body has decided to say the hell with this whole ovulation thing and hello to impending menopause. This month was a whole whopping 18 day cycle. Two months ago it was a 24 day cycle. That probably isn't helping my sleep either as I've been having a lot of insomnia lately too.

Hopefully in another couple of weeks my schedule will more back to a more normal schedule and I do have a week of vacation towards the end of October that I'm seriously looking forward to. No idea yet what I'm doing but I can't wait even if I don't do anything. Plus by then temperatures should have cooled off a little bit to a more normal temp and not this hot weather that makes me not even want to leave my house.

In the meantime it's just a matter or trying to keep it together and ignore all the little nasty things my brain says to me at my more trying moments.

Life And Learning

I read a poem once quite a few years ago (I probably even have it wrote down somewhere) that talked about how you learn a lot about life in watching someone die. This is so true. When I get home I may have to look for that poem. I used to have a habit of writing stuff like that down and keeping it in notebooks and I'm sure I kept it.
Sunday evening I received a phone call that my ex boyfriends grandma had in the last three weeks broke her arm and then went on to have two heart attacks and two strokes. The wheels started spinning on what I needed to do to make it back to Washington. While she isn't my actual grandmother, for the last 10 years or so this family has been in many ways my family. I have some cousins and aunts and uncles I've maintained contact with but as far as actual family, not many of them choose to take an active part in my life. Monday morning I left and began the long drive home. I have to say that as much as there are some really beautiful places on that drive, I really don't look forward to ever doing it again. Oh but wait. I do get to do it again in reverse. I leave Saturday to go back home. yippee skippy.
I know that my presence here wasn't necessarily imperative but I hope I've been able to be helpful to these people who have been so much comfort to me.
I've talked before about my spiritual beliefs or my difficulty with such. Much of it wrapped up with all the crazy ass shit I was taught while I was growing up. I was actually taught that we don't go to heaven and that along with the difficulties I have with many current religious beliefs, leaves me still unsure of what I believe in.
Years ago after my dad died I had a couple of very vivid dreams in which he was the one I dreamed about him that left me feeling comforted. I sadly really can't remember the details of those dreams but I remember feeling like I had spoke to him. But of course I had been taught that was impossible and I was still trying so hard to please those around me, so of course that couldn't be true. Then several years ago right after I had moved back to Washington, a friend of mine passed away. I had been feeling so badly that not only hadn't I made it over to visit her while she was alive, I probably wouldn't be able to go to her funeral either since I worked the night before and the night of the service. I remember having a very vivid dream about her that also left me feeling very comforted. I know that I woke up with an almost spiritual sense of calmness and belief that she had sent that dream/message to me to let me know it was ok. I even had a dream about Sadie after I lost her where she was running and happy and I knew she too was ok.
I realize to some this may sound crazy. To others it may sound like a sin to say I believe my dog came to let me know she was ok (figures of course the cat wouldn't bother). For me whether it's true or not, it feels true and I find myself believing and comforted by these dreams.
So in hearing my friends describe things that happened in the room with this loved one who is close to leaving my first reaction, borne of all those crazy ass teachings I received as a child and some of the scientific background I now operate within on a somewhat daily basis was "it's the medications." I stopped to think why though. How do I know that this lovely woman truly doesn't have many loved ones waiting patiently for her on the other side? How do I know that she can't see these people now. I don't. And really, it seems just as possible that it's real as that it's not. Yes, I know. Not very scientific. I don't care. I may not know for sure what all I believe in but if this seems so very real, and it does, why doubt it so much? Why be so sure it's not real? Why not just believe.

Procrastination

I'm a procrastinator. I don't know why really. I just am. For instance I had finally found a dentist I liked a couple of years ago and then my insurance changed and he didn't take my insurance anymore. So it took me almost a year and a half to make the effort to find a new dentist. Part of this is because I hate going to the dentist and then the anxiety of finding a new one again etc just left me putting it off for later, over and over again. I do this with doctors and such as well. Basically anything that requires me to pick up a phone and call someone I don't know etc. Sometimes even for picking up a phone and calling someone I do know. In the meantime it's now been like 4 years since I had my teeth cleaned and that required a much more thourough cleaning. Yippee. The new dentist gave me an estimate of my out of pocket cost being $1600. and over a thousand of that was a local antibiotic they insisted I needed that my insurance would not touch. So after a bit of research I decided a second opinion might be a good plan. The easiest thing to do was to call the old dentist and ask if they could see me. Guess what? They went back to taking my insurance. When seeing my old dentist he agreed with the deep cleaning (I wasn't against that, I knew I would need it), a crown and one filling as opposed to 3 fillings and no antibiotics at this time. If things hadn't improved in a years time then we would look at antibiotics. So my total out of pocket will be like $400. Much better. And I lived through the first appointment for teeth cleaning. It will take 2 appointments and the hygenist stated that she could numb me up if need be once we got going. I told her I was a bit anxious about it and would prefer to be numbed up from the beginning. So she did. The shots in the front were a bit brutal but once we got going I put my ipod on and ignored it all. I go back in 2 weeks for the other side, one week for the crown and filling.

The other thing I'm putting off lately is a new tattoo. I don't know what I want done first but I have several ideas for things. I also have a credit that I will hopefully be able to use. A co-worker had paid a deposit to have one of her tattoos worked on and then changed her mind. Since I had picked up two shifts for her next week as a favor she offered to transfer the credit to me! I just need to call and speak to a specific person and make an appointment. But it's a bit nerve wracking wondering how it will all work out etc as whoever does it is going to have to do some of the art work themselves. I guess we'll see. I'll post pics though when I get the work done.