Still Here

I'm still here. My head is busy but having a hard time putting it all down. I ended up finding a home for Bailey and it sucks ASS. I miss my little Bailey Boo. I couldn't find another apartment (the current apartment doesn't even know I have 1 dog) that would let me have 3-4 pets and realistically there is no way I could hide a dog or the cats. Cats sit in the window and you have to walk dogs. I felt and still feel horrible about it. I'm not the type of person who views adopting an animal as a minor decision. As a matter of fact I've in the past been rather critical of those who adopt an animal and then dump it in the pound or whatever because of a change in circumstances. Maybe this is a lesson to teach me to be more understanding of others? I felt like it was a long term commitment to get a puppy but when I got Bailey I had no idea that Sadie would be coming back at any point in the near future and if I had known I wouldn't have gotten Bailey because I know that the expenses etc associated with pets is high and I know that it's hard when you rent. I feel a bit like a failure yet again. So that's what has been going on. I'm still here and just trying to hang on.

Yay For Friday!

It was a long week this week. And a tiring week. Having 2 dogs in the house feels a little bit like I think it would feel to have 2 little kids. It takes me a lot longer to get ready to leave, go to bed etc. Plus if I wake up an hour before my alarm I can usually easily go back to sleep. Not so much with the puppy. Once she see's me, it's like ok, time to get up. There is no quieting her down so that I can go back to sleep. Needless to say I've had a couple of really early mornings this week.

There have also been a lot of emotional ups and downs. I'm not really any closer to an answer as to my housing and an over abundance of pets issue. If I try to sneak them in it could go fine and no problem or it could end up being a big problem if I end up evicted. I've done some calling around and all the places I've talked to that advertise as being pet friendly also have a 2 pet limit. So, not sure exactly where that leaves me. I have a couple more ideas that are possibilities but I'm not sure they will pan out. I started looking at the idea of finding Bailey another home and then start having this images play through my mind of her in doggy jail and neglected and abandoned which just pretty much leaves me feeling sick.

My best friend let me know this morning that she's going to be a grandma soon. I'm so excited and happy for her and her daughter (really R if you're reading this I am) but yet I can't deny feeling a little sad for me. Here she's going to be a grandma and I still am not even a mom. Plus the old feeling of feeling like everyone can get pregnant but me. Again, I realize it's not entirely rational and it's not that I have bad feelings toward or about anyone. I'm just sad for me.

I have had good news stuff too this week. Sadie's lab stuff is all back finally and she is completely clear. Other than the UTI anyways. Healthy dog which is great. Now if we can avoid any seizures and emergency trips to the vet for a while it will be great. I've spent $600 this last week on vet bills. That was a whole lot of money that I really didn't have. And I've never heard from the person who had Sadie. In some ways I don't care if I ever do. In other ways I want so bad to hear an explanation and to know what happened. Reality is that knowing what happened likely won't make it any better but there is still a part of me that wants to know.

I had a highlight of the day today too. I went to C0stc0 so I could get some soy milk for my shakes and did a walk through of the clothes department. We did a walk through of the clothes department. I've noticed lately that my underwear is getting rather baggy. I've been avoiding buying new because I can still wear it fine and it's not like anyone but me really sees it but it's a bit saggy in the ass. So they had some regular size underwear and on a whim I grabbed a pack. I figured it probably wouldn't fit yet but will eventually. Well, eventually is here! I bought regular size panties!!!!! Not from a plus size store!!! After years of not being able to even consider clothes other than from a few specialty stores, it's such a nice feeling to be able to buy something in just any store I go into.

Hump Day

Things here are still moving mostly merrily along. Sadie seems to be getting better every day which is nice. She really does seem pretty much like the dog I had for years. Her hair is even growing in really quick. Thank goodness as she really doesn't look that good shaved. Urine culture showed that the antibiotics she's taking should work on the UTI as well as any potential Lyme disease. That's a plus. She is tolerating Bailey. Mostly she ignores Bailey as much as possible. Lately Bailey is getting a little braver and comes up to sniff her etc to which she does her little lip curl and growl that is a clear message to back off. Clear message however that Bailey still isn't getting and I worry that Sadie might attack her again.

I've gotten a few letters this week in the mail from the mortgage company for the house in Washington. It's sort of funny really. One of the letters actually said they were refusing my request for short sale because there was no offer. Really?? Cause there was an offer but you guys spent so much time dicking around that the buyers pulled their offer and found another place. Fine whatever. I give them the house back. Otherwise the bankruptcy stuff seems to be mostly moving along fine. The creditors seem to have quit calling me which is nice.

Work is work and it's not that bad really. Could be much worse and maybe even might be much worse. There is a rumor going around that we may soon be required to take call on nights in the hellish department I used to work in. Oh goody. At least one of my tormentors (or you could just call her the bitch from hell) has left the department. Needless to say though none of us are happy about that idea since it was never part of our employment.

I still haven't really started packing yet for the upcoming move. Then again I still am a bit anxious about the move. I know I've referred to this a little before and I appreciate the suggestions but I do really feel like I don't know what to do. The apartment I found is close (in the same complex) as a close friend of mine which is nice. I like the apartment and it's great. On the application I said I had one dog and one cat(cats are a bit easier to hide). I got approved and I paid my $500 deposit. Then Sadie came home. I'm guessing that they are going to say no way to my 2 dogs and a cat (forget 2 cats). So it's a matter of trying to sneak Bailey in. I'm guessing it's easier to sneak in the smaller of the 2 dogs. However I worry that if I were to get caught I could get evicted. Which would really cause a problem since it's already difficult to find a place to live since my credit looks like shit. Or they would insist I get rid of someone. Umm. Who? If I back out on this apartment now there is a very good possibility that I won't get my deposit back. Which I can't afford to lose at this point. Then of course there is the concept of expenses. Already 3 of my pets are high maintenance and expensive as they have serious health problems. Sadie with the epilepsy which I'm guessing I may have to start medicating again sometime soon. The cats with the heart problems. Hoping beyond hope that Bailey is healthy but I would be lying if I didn't feel a bit overwhelmed right now. Of course I have various friends who are helpfully trying to convey the message that I really need to find an alternate home for one of the dogs. The opinions differ on which dog but the opinions have been kindly voiced. I know that the people voicing the opinions mean well, I really do. I really didn't plan on any of this but here I am. Now what.

So Far The News Is Good

So my first day back at work was insanely busy. I have like 7 charts left to finish from today and am hoping tomorrow isn't so bad. It was nice though in that the day went by quickly.

Everyone did fine together last night which was good and today I had Bailey in her kennel when I left and Sadie free to roam the house and go out on the patio. Kitties could go out on the patio too but they can't escape and they love to just go out and lay in the sun or roll around in the dirt. Like all animals that are white like to do. Both of them are pretty much filthy. Down side of leaving the slider open enough for Sadie to go out is that I left the AC off too. I got home and it was 89 degrees inside. A bit better than the 94 or whatever it was outside at 7pm but not much.

News from the vet today is that the labs for Lyme disease and heart worm etc aren't back yet but most of the other labs look good. Sadie doesn't have any kidney problems or diabetes but she does have a really bad urinary tract infection. This will likely mean more antibiotics but I can do that as long as it waits till Thursday when I get paid. It should as they have to run a culture which takes 2-3 days to grow out whatever bacteria it's going to grow out. Hopefully I'll also be able to get some different flea medicine for everyone else then too. I applied the frontline like the 1st and inspite of that Bailey, Luna and Sara all appear to have fleas thanks to the massive infestation Sadie had. Sadie is the only one now without fleas. Oh and all the dead ticks have finally fallen off. I don't even want to think about where they landed in my house. Their dead. It doesn't matter.

So, the news is mostly good and everyone seems to be getting along fairly well. Sadie did snap at Bailey this evening when Bailey was trying to sniff at her but it was mostly just a go away and leave me alone snap and not the all come near my food and die move from last Friday. I think there is hope.

Back To Work

Vacation's over. So sad. Oh well. Today has been ok. Sadie seems to be more calm and mellow today and more like her old self. Still pretty much unconcerned with the cats which is good. They seem to remember her and are mostly unconcerned with her as well. This evening I went and picked up Bailey from my friends house and brought her back here. I'm carefully supervising everyone and so far so good. Sadie seems curious about Bailey, Bailey is understandably frightened of Sadie. I keep reminding Sadie that Bailey is a friend and not a scooby snack. Right now they are both crashed out on either side of my desk chair. Tomorrow when I go to work I will try to figure out how divide the apartment up so everyone is safe while I'm gone.

In the meantime I'm still trying to figure out how I will manage the move with 2 dogs. Since I had already told the manager of the apartment I'm planning on that it was a dog and a cat. When reality is now two dogs and two cats. I guess we'll see what happens.

One Of The Most Pathetic Sights Ever

Poor Sadie. Poor Bailey and me too but poor Sadie. My heart just breaks for her. Yesterday I had bathed her and when I did I noticed that she was covered in fleas and ticks. I thought about shaving her as I knew I would never find all the ticks but I was worried about her not dealing with the shaving concept well. A friend graciously offered to loan me the money to take her to the groomer and they shampooed her and shaved her for me. Now of course I can see all the sore itchy spots of which there are many but the ticks are dead and mostly gone. Poor baby looks pathetic though.

This morning I took her to the vet for a check up and that of course cost me an arm and a leg. I'm hoping that most of the labs etc come out ok and that the medicine I got helps. Thankfully they gave something for itching and she already seems to be more comfortable. I think I may be living on protein shakes for the next few weeks as I may be completely broke after the vet bills. Bailey is staying with my friend for the weekend at least. She did have a little laceration in her mouth and last night her lip was a little swollen. She also was really scared of Sadie. Sadie so far seems unbothered by the cats thankfully. Hopefully that will continue.

About 10pm last night I realized I hadn't eaten at all yesterday (I did have 2 protein shakes during the day) and I finally had some peanut butter on toast. This morning I'm down like 5 pounds since Wednesday. Not exactly the weight loss plan I want to use and I know I need to eat healthy foods as well as my shakes. The funny thing is that in all my stress yesterday the thing I seemed to crave the most was soda. I wanted a diet pepsi or Dr. Pepper so dang bad. No I didn't have one though.

So that's where everything is right now. Still up in the air a bit as far as what might be going on with Sadie. I just want to try and relax and pamper Sadie a bit over the weekend.

I find it very ironic that at the bottom of my blog, like less than 2 weeks ago, I had posted that I missed Sadie but knew she was better off where she was. If I had only known.

She's Home

Sadie is home. It took way more effort to get her this morning than I thought it would. It cost me $100 to get her out and my checking account didn't have that much in it. I ended up coming home and returning a play yard thing I had bought for Bailey so that I had enough money to get her out of doggy jail. She was filthy and stinky and and scrawny so it looks like she was likely out on her own for a while. She didn't seem to recognize me either but was more than willing to come with me and get the hell out of there. Once we got home I noticed some swelling in her legs that is alarming and after bathing her I think I found the reason for it. Just on her head she has 3 ticks that are all nice and buried. Based on the ones I saw I'm guessing there are likely more that I can't see and so I'm going to shave her. She is also completely flea infested and I've found at least 3 sores on her legs. I'm thinking that with the ticks and the swelling there is a pretty fair chance that she may have lyme disease. In addition to all of this I'm sure she's been hungry. When I got her home and put some food down for her Bailey came over to smell it and she attacked Bailey. Bailey seems mostly uninjured other that some sort of laceration to her mouth and she was screaming, scared the hell out of me and the cats etc. A friend of mine is coming over to take Bailey to her house for a few days. I'm worried about the cats. I'm scared and struggling with the fact that Sadie may not be the dog who left me a year ago anymore not to mention what health problems she may have now. So I've cried a lot today, felt a lot of guilt today and am basically just having a really hard time. Hopefully though somehow things will all be ok.

A Friday I'm Not Looking Forward To

The one before I go back to work next week. Good thing I'm on vacation though. I stayed up way to late last night playing a new game and was woke up way to early this morning by wetness on my bed. Puppy decided she didn't want to jump of the big tall bed and so she just cruised down to the end of the bed and peed there. Yes, that is the end of puppy sleeping with me for a while. Back to the crate we go.

Then tonight I got a bit of a surprise and sort of a wrench thrown into everything. I was checking the messages on my one phone that I don't use very often and there was a message from Tuesday. I haven't been listening to them very much because the only people calling them are bill collectors and who wants to talk to them. So the message from Tuesday was different. It was the SPCA here saying they had a dog that when scanned the microchip comes up with my phone number. In other words they have Sadie. Of course by the time I got this message tonight they were closed. I haven't heard anything from the person who has Sadie that she was missing and I'm honestly sort of mad that she turned up missing and I wasn't notified. Especially since I had been trying to get in contact with her for a while. So not sure what tomorrow holds but the way things are looking right now I don't think Sadie will be going back there. I plan on being at the SPCA tomorrow morning to pick her up (if she hasn't been picked up already). Which leaves me with a bit of a problem as far as having more animals than I had planned. That's 2 dogs (and 2 cats) which is a lot for an apartment and especially since I'm in the process of getting ready to move. Not really sure what to do about that.

I do also have a question though for those face*book fans. How do you de-friend someone? Don't worry, unless you're an un-announced family member who has found my blog it's not you. I know I've done it before but can't figure out how to do it now and also if you un-friend someone do they get notice that they were un-friended? Do your posts just stop showing up? What happens. I'd rather avoid the whole confrontation route but there's a family member who I often feel so judged by and I'm just sort of done with it. I want to distance myself from her as much as possible and while I don't want to call her out publicly and say "I don't want to be your friend anymore" I do really want to distance myself more. Any thoughts anyone?

Tuesdays At Home Aren't Half Bad

Well the trip to the lawyers office this morning showed that I now have everything together for this oh so lovely process. I also asked if me moving would make any difference (namely in spending the money on a security deposit) and the answer I received was no. So full speed ahead with that one. Last week I went to the pool with the neighbor. Seems that the neighborhood kids have been trying to set the deck chairs and tables on fire. Also some girl came along and asked if we had seen any kids as she had stepped away from the pool for a minute and someone had stole her keys and lit the rest of her things on fire. Nice. That and all the car break ins (and lets not forget my stolen Christmas tree last year the little fuckers) and it feels like it's time to trade up for a somewhat nicer neighborhood.

Trip to the doctors office was fine for the most part as well. Labs all look good except my iron level which is low. I have orders now to increase my daily iron supplement. Not really a problem except that will likely have an effect on the oh so lovely constipation. However the flip side of being anemic isn't much fun either so increased iron it is. Blood sugar levels are fine, blood pressure is good and all my other labs are ok so I'm pretty good.

Still hotter than hell here and I still haven't got much desire to go outside. Except maybe for another sugar free slurpee. To which I'm addicted.

Totally Jinxed Myself

Yes my previous comment about puppy potty training totally jinxed myself. The last few days (hell the last week) haven't been nearly as successful. She has pottied in the crate during the day while I'm at work and that's even with someone coming in to let her out. From what I've read the crate might be too big for potty training purposes. So it's a work in progress. Tonight she peed on one of Sara's (the cat) potty pads but I think that was truly a fluke because she has since proceeded to pee two other places not on the potty pad. Good news is that her peeing on the pad didn't affect Sara's desire to go there as well. At least one of them is trained fairly well. Other than the potty training she's a lot of fun. I can't wait until I can start taking her for walks (and when it cools down more here so that walks are bearable again). We're also working on the whole fetch thing. Sometimes she gets it sometimes she doesn't.

I'm off work this week. My original plan was to go to Washington but I couldn't afford the airfare. So I'm staying home and working with the puppy, working on getting my house a bit more organized so that the potential move is bearable and just relaxing. Oh and trying to get the bankruptcy stuff all done. All the looking into all areas of my financial life has me on pins and needles a bit. Today I had to find the original address of the bank I opened my old checking account at. The one I closed last November. Yeah, it's a bit crazy the amount of information I have to give them. The whole process is overwhelming to say the least.

The weight loss continues to move steadily along. As of Saturday I'm down almost 70 pounds. I feel really good. Better than I've felt in a very long time really. Possibly better than I've ever felt. The food part is still a work in progress. It seems like so many of the things that I fix for myself to eat just don't taste as good as I imagined they would. I then end up eating part of it and then often tossing the rest and later making a protein shake. I have had a few things lately that were as good as I thought they would be. The mahi mahi burgers from Tra*der Jo*es were up there at the top of the list. Lately I'm craving salads but when I bought one tonight again it was a let down. I got a cobb salad thing from Wendy's and ended up eating a bit of the chicken (saved the other half of chicken for tomorrow) and some of the boiled egg then tossing the rest of it. Oh well. The other thing that lately has been as good as expected are the crystal light slurpee's at 7-11. They're sugar free and cold and yummy. Basically a huge hit. So I've been doing those almost daily.

So that's my boring life lately. Not much happening. I suppose that it's better to have not much going on than a lot of bad things going on so I won't bitch about it. It just doesn't leave much to tell here.

Pictures

Ok there still looks like there is something up with my camera dang it. The pictures just look grainy and not very good to me. Although maybe it's from being taken in the dark. Anyways, here are some pictures. Here is Sara outside hunting frogs. She has discovered frogs in the yard and is completely intent on catching herself one. The red stuff you can sort of see on her lower tummy? Ketchup. She jumped up on the desk and landed in my dinner plate in the ketchup.

Here's Sara trying to catch a frog in the midst of my cucumber plants and Bailey is trying to figure out what she's doing. Bailey is also still trying to entice the kitties to come play. Not a lot of success there yet.
And here is my sweet little Bailey. She is for now anyways smaller than the cats. Luna tonight whacked her on the head a few times at which Bailey sat looking at her like "what the hell is your problem?" It was pretty funny. They seem to be getting better slowly. At risk of jinxing myself the potty training seems to be going pretty well. There has been no potty in the house in 3 days and tonight when I wasn't watching her as well she even went outside on her own and pottied. Yay!!
Hope everyone is having a good week!

Busy

Ok so I still feel like I'm busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest. I am behind on reading blogs again (go figure) haven't posted in close to a week (or has it in fact been a week?) and my house is a bit of a mess. There is as usual lots going on and yes some of it is of my own making.

I've managed to sell almost all of my clothes that no longer fit. I didn't get a large amount of money for them, not nearly what I spent on them anyways but I did get some. With what I got yesterday I'm planning to go buy myself a new bra and some panties as all the panties are looking a bit ratty and the new bra I bought back a couple of weeks after surgery is now too big. I'm wearing about a size 18 right now and feel absolutely awesome about it. Food is still a bit of a challenge. I feel like none of the things I like are part of my eating plan and the things that I used to really like that were healthy don't seem to taste as good. Hence I'm still drinking a lot of protein shakes. The upside is that I'm not usually hungry either so I guess I'm not suffering at all.

Work is fine. Alternates between busy and not so busy and of course we have our usual array of crazy stupid people to keep things interesting. It's also somewhat amazing to me how many people agree to surgery and yet don't really know what is going to be done. Yes it's sometimes a lack of education from the doctor but still. If you're going to have something removed from your body, make sure you know what it is they are removing.

My apartment complex announced gave me notice last week that they were going to up my rent with my lease ending next month. When I moved in here last year this was the nicest place in the range of what I was hoping to find. There were things about it that I didn't love but was willing to sort of deal with. Size wise it's not fabulous since there is no additional storage. My second bedroom is mostly a storage room instead of being my craft and computer room. I hate having my washer and dryer outside on the patio. Even with a small roof cover when it's windy I get pine needles all over my washer and dryer and in my washer and dryer. The rain hits it when it rains etc. So I really don't want to renew my lease, especially not for even more money. With the whole bankruptcy thing I can afford a bit more on rent although it also affects my credit and may make it harder to find a new place to rent. So I'm not sure where that is going to end up. I'm looking and I found a place I liked on Saturday but I don't know if I'll get it. All I can do is wait and see. Not my strong point but oh well. I know there are tons of other apartments around so I believe I will find something, it just might be a bit more difficult.

Lately I've noticed that I've been missing Sadie (my dog) a lot. I've tried getting a hold of the friend who has her several times so I could go visit and haven't succeeded but it's not like I could ask for her back anyways. That family loves her and staying there is best for her even if I miss her and sort of wish I hadn't let her go. I know too that she wouldn't love being in an apartment. Missing her of course led to thoughts of having another dog of course (yes Bleu I know what you're thinking) and last week I found one. So, I have another 4 legged baby. And she is truly a baby. She is a 10 week old chihuahua puppy with sort of longish hair. She's absolutely adorable and I'm getting an immense kick out of her. She wants so bad to play with the kitties who seem to be sort of slowly coming around to the idea. They don't love her yet but haven't actually hissed in the last 24 hours or so. She's a little timid but playful and so much fun. Of course since I've never actually had a puppy before it's all a bit new. Especially the potty training. That has been a bit of a learning curve for both of us. So far no potty in the house yesterday or today although Saturday there was a lot of potty in the house. She still doesn't understand the word potty though. I'm realizing how spoiled I was with Sadie (who came pre-potty trained) and would potty on command. I have next week off work though and guess that I'll be spending the week working on potty training. The first night she had to sleep with me on my chest all night as she wouldn't stop fussing but has since been sleeping in her kennel at night (which is right next to my bed). The other funny thing is that she follows me everywhere and hates to let me out of her sight. She even insists on following me into the shower. As in almost every day. Cracks me up to see her trying to scramble her way into the shower. We're going through chew toys but so far there has been very minimal damage to anything else. Mostly because I don't really let her out of my sight for long.

So that's been my week. Someday I might catch up with everyone's blogs. Like when I can take an eye off the puppy.

What's For Dinner?

Dang it. I really need to actually sit down and read the destruction manual on my camera (that I bought 2 years ago) as I did something with it and lately the picture quality has sucked.

Anyways. I've been working on variety in my meals. Not easy when you don't love cooking, especially not for just ones self. So the other day I came up with this. It's a shell less taco.

Basically I started off with some of the canned beef from Cos*tco and tried that first by itself but it was too dry after I microwaved it. So I took a can of the beef, added a small can of sauce and about half a packet of taco seasoning. Instant (sort of) shredded taco meat. I had made up a version of corn and black bean relish like stuff for myself which I then added to the beef and then threw on a couple of olives sliced up and some shredded cheese. And I had a taco without a shell. You know since I'm swearing off tortillas after a couple of bites of one made me sick for hours on end. It turned out really good though and I took the meat and divided it up into several small bowls and froze 3 of them. That way it doesn't take me all week to get through this and I'm not sick of it within the week. I did also have a bit of a mishap today with food. I felt pretty goofy about it. I was eating a cucumber slice and tossed a piece into my mouth and tried to talk or inhaled or something. I ended up swallowing the partial slice whole without chewing which then freaked me out. I was worried it was going to get caught in my pouch. It felt really funny for a while too but I think it was actually stuck in my esophagus because I kept trying to swallow to get rid of the uncomfortable feeling and finally I took a bite of something else and swallowed that and then felt better. I was so relieved that I didn't have to go to the ER to have them go down and get it or I figured my other option would have been syrup of ipecac to make myself puke.

Last night I was petting Sara and realized she was shedding a lot. So I worked on trying to get some of the hair off her. You would think that with as little hair as these two have they wouldn't shed much... You'd be wrong. This is a not so good picture of the hair that came off my cat. And her fascination with it.

And finally this was fun although it didn't work so well in the picture. I've never figured out how to take good pictures of myself in the mirror. The other night when I was going through clothes I decided to put on my biggest pair of pants I had from before surgery. They were a size 26. I've also decided to keep them to remind myself of where I was and where I'm going. This is just a little less than 3.5 months post op. If I let go they fall off.

Have I Mentioned?

That I hate making big decisions. I never know what to do and I worry that the decision I make will be the wrong decision and so on. Makes me a bit crazy. So I've been doing the back and forth on the whole bankruptcy thing. Upside is that it would cut my monthly payments in life half and give me enough money that I wouldn't feel like I'm struggling so damn much. Down side of course is that it screws my credit (although it's already pretty much screwed thanks to the house in Washington) and that I still have to pay everything off. So looking at debt management programs I could do helps me get everything paid off but the next 2 years are going to pretty much suck ass as far as my finances go. As in pretty much nothing left over after bills are paid (which is where I was at to begin with) and possibly needing to move yet again to somewhere cheaper which at this point basically would likely mean moving into some of the less desire able neighborhoods in Fresno. Not that I live in a desire able neighborhood but it's not horrible for the most part. I feel safe here although obviously I'm careful and don't leave stuff out and about since yes I've had things stolen from here. Then of course there is the overall cost of bankruptcy compared to debt management which is significant. But it goes back to the continuing on going struggle. Which I so sick of. All thanks to the uterus of doom pretty much since most of what I'm struggling to pay off is the accounts I used for IF. Oh and the windows on the house I'm about to lose. Hows that for fun? Then of course I get differing opinions. One person says it's so much better to not ever end up in Bankruptcy and then someone else says "I work for a collection agency and the DMP's are a joke and hurt your credit just as much and you're better off to just file the bankruptcy. So yes. To say I'm confused is putting it lightly.

Then to top it off I got a call from my little sister the other day. It's always so good to talk to her but somehow often leads me more stressed. Right now mom is giving her a hard time (gee, imagine that) and is making her life difficult. It's a situation that is so toxic sounding and I feel so strongly that she needs to get herself and her daughter out of mom's immediate range. One minute she will be talking and talk about moving away from there and then the next she's making excuses for mom and and explaining away her behavior. It's very hard for me to just sit back and let her live her life without my pushing.

So that's been my week. My brain is tired. There have been a few good moments too though. For instance the other day at work, one of the cute guys from surgery saw me in the cafeteria, noticed the weight loss and then came over later and had lunch with me. Nothing like that to give you a little case of perma-grin for the rest of the day and make you feel good.

Trying To Blog

My cat Luna though has other ideas. Ideas that include her being the center of attention because Um, hello! She's been alone all day. If I fail to pay her a sufficient amount of attention then she starts chewing on things, knocking the bulletin board off the wall and basically being a pest.

I'm down to 66 posts in my reader. Right now it's those of you with a lot of posts. Cause I can't start reading at the most recent and get part way through and then stop so if I'm going to read your posts I need to start at farthest out and read all 18 at once (Kristin) and so on. Yes I'm a little bit crazy. It's ok though. I seem to fit in pretty well with everyone around me and I'm still significantly less crazy than most of the patients I deal with.

Thank you all so much for your complements and kind words about my pics. I have to say I'm feeling great. Better than I have felt in a very long time. It's sort of nice to feel like I actually like myself. Between the weight loss and the counseling I'm doing pretty damn good.

As far as the food I cooked up? Most of it has been a success. Although not all of it. I made an egg salad stuff that I thought I would switch up a bit. Instead of just eggs, mayo and mustard I had decided to add a bit of bacon and some black olives. Then thought oooh, I could add some blue cheese and it would be like a cobb salad without the salad. Yeah. Pretty much tasted like shit. All of it ended up in the trash. My spaghetti sauce was another failure this time. See my usual recipe called for a little bit of sugar. Not a lot but some. I decided instead of using my usual brown sugar that I use I'd use the brown sugar/splenda mix? Didn't work. Turns out that is WAY sweeter than the regular brown sugar and I've added more tomato sauce and diced tomatoes and it's still not working. So. Back to the drawing board on that. This weekend I'm going to try to come up with some sort of use for some sugar free hot pepper jelly I got last week at the farmers market. I'll let you know how that goes. I've also purchased and rejected a couple more possible vanilla protein drinks. See vanilla is sort of my favorite flavor. But so far I don't like the vanilla protein drinks for the most part. I did get one last weekend that seems ok so I'll keep trying it and see how I do. Sucks because of course these things are expensive. I have been told I could return them but I'm not sure what I'm going to return them for.

Well, Luna has started whipping me in the face with her tail and drooling on my hand so I think maybe I should be done. I think she thinks she needs something.

Still Talking

So this is post number 800. Yes, I still talk a lot.

I've had a good but busy weekend. Friday night I went to the farmers market because I wanted some raspberries. I got a few other things as well such as tomatoes, zucchini, and green beans and all done in like 20 minutes. It was seriously way to freaking hot to spend much time there. Friday I was also looking at the fact that I seriously need to come up with some sort of meal plans. This last week I didn't really lose any weight as I didn't eat hardly anything. Therefore the old body says "oops, we might be starving, maybe we should keep these calories." It's been sort of hard. I get home from work and don't feel like fixing anything and I haven't had anything really easy to put on a plate and sit down and eat. Or at least not anything other than tuna salad, chicken salad, and egg salad which I'm sort of sick of. In the past on days that I didn't want to deal with fixing dinner I just stopped at whatever fast food place tickled my fancy that night. However that is no longer an option so I decided that I needed to get some serious shopping done and come up with ideas of foods that I could easily get ready. Saturday I went and ran some errands and went grocery shopping. I have been looking for recipes geared towards gastric bypass patients which has sort of been frustrating. I have gotten a lot of ideas for things I can modify to my own tastes from Eggface but I had went looking for a cook book last week. I didn't find one. I found a few informational books that had some recipes in them. I picked on book out that seemed to have the most recipes brought it home and got to looking and the recipes were almost all ridiculous. One recipe seriously called for 8 chicken breasts. It would take me a month to eat 8 chicken breasts. I'm guessing these are meant to be cooked for a family? Cause they are way more food than I need. I ended up buying several different kinds of meat and having the butcher cut the meat up into me size portions if they weren't already cut small. I brought those home and today borrowed my friends food saver and packaged all the individual pieces up separately. Most of them I packaged with either some kind of meat rub or marinade so that the meat will be pretty much pre-seasoned and all I have to do is take it out and cook it. I also made up a few things that I like but that are somewhat time consuming to prepare and I think (hope?) they will freeze well and plan on freezing them as well. I decided to try some of the bites that Shelly (eggface) has recipes for although mine are probably a bit boring to most people compared to hers. Once I leave out all the onions and all. I did 3 different kinds. I did ham and Swiss cheese, turkey bacon and Monterrey jack cheese and sausage and Mexican blend cheese with corn in it. They turned out pretty good. Taste pretty yummy too. Maybe I'm going back to the land of those who eat breakfast. I've spent most of the last 3 months drinking mine as it was easier. So tomorrow it's going to be egg bites.

They didn't however freeze as well with the food saver as when I vacuum sealed them it sort of sucked them flat.
So instead I just put those into regular zip lock freezer bags. I was later given the idea to freeze them first on a plate and then seal into bags. That likely would have worked better and I'll have to try that next time. I also made some spaghetti sauce. I did it a bit different this time. Usually I just use tomato sauce but since I'm not planning on actually eating this with spaghetti I wanted it to have a bit more substance. So I used diced tomatoes. I also didn't put any meat in this and will instead freeze it into packages and then serve it with meat balls for just sauce and meat balls.

I made some queso that I plan to pour into ice cube trays and freeze. This will come in handy with any of the eggs or meat that come back a bit dry, I can then add some of this to it to add some moisture. Plus I could make sort of taco things and use it it. Without the shell of course.

Then I made mini meat loafs. I keep seeing a lot of recipes using ground turkey for meat loaves and meat balls. Down side is that I really don't care much for ground turkey. I know it's lower in fat and such though so I had bought some and thought I would give it a try. Then someone suggested that I actually mix the ground beef (very lean) and ground turkey together to change it up a bit. I ended up doing that and it turned out pretty good. I made 2 different kinds of meat loaves and will freeze those and then vacuum seal them. These are barbecue meat loaf and my favorite cheese burger meat loaf. Yumm.

I also have turkey breast cutlets, pork chops, tri tip and salmon packaged away in various rubs and marinades. Basically I have enough meat items to last me probably a couple of months. Yay!!! Easy meals. All I have to do is add a vegetable.

Several of you have asked for recent pics again. I had some done at 8 weeks but they were really blurry and I deleted them before I remembered I didn't have any others. I did get some done at 12 weeks and while they still aren't great (I really need to teach others how to use my camera or have a second easy point and shoot camera) they are better so I'm posting my pics of myself at 12 weeks post op. For a look at my before pictures you can go here and now here are my 12 week post op pictures. Complete with new scrubs that actually fit.

So Behind

I'm so far behind on most everything right now. Ugg. I had a great weekend but didn't finish all the things I needed to get done. There are like 50 posts in my reader. The paperwork I was supposed to have finished for my lawyer isn't done. I didn't book my plane ticket to Washington. Hmm. The list goes on. Oh well. It's all still here. Tonight I really need to come home and do the paperwork for the lawyer. That's number 1 priority. As far as all that goes I am having to file a chapter 13 bankruptcy but the house won't come back to haunt me later and at least the bills will become more manageable. I hate doing it but I can't keep up any more. So that's the plan there.

I have tons of clothes that I want to list on ebay or craigs*list or something. I know clothes often don't sell very well but it would be nice if I could at least make a little bit off them. Many of them have only been worn once or even not at all. In trying on new stuff on Saturday I kept looking at so much of it and thinking "this will never fit, it's so small!" Yet, it did fit. And often it looked really good. I've always been in the habit of wearing my clothes big. Yes I was a size 24 or even a 26 at times but I also went even bigger on tops and stuff. It's like I was trying to cover up or hide myself. Nothing could be tight or snug. I've been still wearing a lot of those things even though I'm down 60 pounds and it took trying on stuff that actually fit properly and was the right size to see how the clothes that are baggy to hide me don't make me look better at all. Kind of a strange realization.

Well, I suppose I better hurry up and get my make up done and dressed so I can make it to work on time. Happy frickin Monday to me?

Oh My Aching Feet

I guess 5 or so hours of shopping (especially in cheap flip flops) will still wear me out. Me and my neighbor went shopping today after her husband went off to work. Had so much fun. It's amazing to me how much more fun it is when you can buy clothes that are cute, stylish and they fit too! I'm still in plus size stuff but not for long. Most everything I tried on today was 1x or 18/20. I did have to go 2x in one scrub shirt I bought that I knew ran small. I had a gift card for J*C*Penny that I had gotten for my birthday so I got 3 new tops and a dress. All are very cute. Then we went to the uniform store and I got 2 new outfits there. We also went to get our eyebrows etc threaded. Interesting experience. Sort of hurt. Especially the lip. But it feels extra nice now. Stops a Tra*der Jo's got me a few groceries and then to cos*tco where I got a few more things that I needed or wanted (like a new book or two). Now I've got plenty of stuff like chicken, fish and meat balls for eating. My new freezer is coming in very handy! I had looked around a lot at different options for freezers and what I wanted was way out of my range. I wanted either an apartment sized upright which was like $300 or the smallest upright which was $400. Then the other night I took one last look on Crai*gslist before buying the chest freezer I didn't really like but that was cheap. I found an apartment sized upright freezer for $50. It's like 3 foot high and PERFECT! It's working fabulous and has managed to freeze my ice cream bowl much quicker than the freezer in the fridge.

Since it's July in Central California it is of course hotter than f*ck. Hot enough that being outside sucks. I'm planning on spending the rest of the evening inside reading one of my new books. Hope everyone else is having a great weekend!

Oh How I Love 3 Day Weekends

And oh how I don't want to go back to work tomorrow. Oh well. I can't say that I've gotten a lot accomplished this weekend as it's been fairly unpleasant to go outside. Much too hot. I did sit out last night with my neighbors and tried to watch the fireworks. Didn't work so well but it was fun. I felt really bad for the poor frightened dog who went running by at one point dragging his leash behind him. Poor baby.

I finally made my protein ice cream yesterday. It turned out pretty good for a first attempt. I made chocolate peanut butter and it wasn't bad. A little runny but tasted fine. Problem however is that my freezer will not freeze the cylinder for the ice cream maker very well. I don't know if it's because it's a less than effective apartment refrigerator or if it's because it's beyond packed full. Even more so now. I got a bunch of cherries cheap at the grocery store yesterday and so last night I sat and watched a movie and pitted cherries. Once all 3 bags were pitted and the movie was over I bagged them all up and froze them. They are super yummy in my smoothies in the morning and I love having them. I really need a separate freezer. I wish I could find a small one cheap. I've been watching craig*s*list and they are all way to big.

Otherwise I've done laundry and enjoyed some good reading time. I've also cleaned up my spare bedroom a little. Not enough but some. I wish I had somewhere I could have a garage sale since I've now got so many clothes and such to get rid of. Oh and this afternoon I hopped on the scale just for the heck of it. I almost never do that during the day because I weigh more than 1st thing in the morning. Umm yeah. I was down like 6 pounds since last Wednesday. I guess maybe my coworker was right when she told me on Friday that I looked like I had lost weight since Monday.

OMG

So I'm sitting around on a Sunday surfing craigs*list. I don't know what I'm looking for although I could use a freezer. Instead I found this:

I have 155 brand new condoms, never been used. They are all Durex Performax, and they expire in 2014. I just got my girl pregnant so I don't need them anymore. Yay me.
These condoms are designed to make the male last longer. I'm only asking for 40 bucks for all 155 condoms. If you are interested you can call or text me at xxx-xxx-xxxx anytime.
Also if you can get me a job call me too. I need the job for my future child support payments. Happy 4th of July! If you call before 9 p.m. July 4th I will even throw in two more condoms for free.

I guess you can give the boy an A for creativity.

What A Week

Well last week was another crazy busy week. It seems like I am constantly on the go. Yet I got quite a bit accomplished as well so I guess it's all ok. I managed to find a home/buyer for my rubber stamping stuff and the person who got it all got a screaming deal on it. She loved it though and the stuff will actually get used instead of sitting here collecting dust and drying out. So that's stuff gone out of my spare room. I spent most of the money I was paid for that on some new scrubs. Or new to me. I bought a bunch of stuff off ebay and got some pretty good deals on most of it. All of the stuff I had is so big on me now it looks like I'm swimming in it and it was time to get some smaller stuff. Yesterday I took all the shirts and stuff that are too big and took them out of the closet. They will sort of sit around for a while as I plan to make myself a quilt out of them. I know I could give them away or sell many of them but there were so many of them that I just loved the prints so much and I hate to part with them. They feel like a part of my identity as a nurse. So I'll keep them and eventually get around to my project.

I also finally met with a lawyer on Friday regarding my financial situation. I got some information on what my options are. It looks like I probably won't be able to file chapter 7 bankruptcy and will have to go the chapter 13 route. Sucks but I suppose it's better than nothing. Plus I do still get to keep my car. That makes me feel better. From what they told me on the house, I'm actually better off to let it foreclose so I am letting myself or telling myself to quit worrying about that part of it. Or at least that is the goal.

This weekend I'm just enjoying my time off and the fact that I've got good AC since it's hot here again. I went yesterday and got an ice cream maker and today am going to try to make some protein ice cream that I see all the time on eggface's blog.

So that's been my week. Now I have a lot of blog reading to catch up on and some house work to do so I suppose I should get busy. Haha. I'll likely go sit down with my book again.

Studies?

So on the way home from work this evening I was flipping through the radio channels looking for something to listen to. Hopefully something that was upbeat. I'm doing better today but still a bit anxious. Lots of people talking, you know the trip home with traffic reports etc. So I stop at one station that often has stuff I like and it's John Tesh on. I don't usually love listening to him. To me he comes across as being too goody goody. Within a few minutes though he had me so mad I swearing at the radio. What was he talking about? Donor conceived children. He was talking about a study that had been done that showed donor conceived children were twice as likely to get in trouble with the law, abuse drugs and alcohol, be severely depressed and so on. So here he is, someone that a lot of people listen to saying how horrible it is to use anonymous donor sperm or donor eggs and that many donor conceived children have said it would have been better if they were adopted children. Ok, first of all I don't think that comparing adopted children to donor conceived children is an accurate or fair comparison. Different situations. Yes I have heard the others who have went on various talk shows or whatever and said similar things. My problem with this is that if the parent(s) hadn't used donor gametes it's not like this child would be living an alternate happier life elsewhere with their "real" parents. They simply wouldn't exist. For all the children who were the result of donor gametes it's not like they would have been born exactly as they are to a totally different life with different parents. It took the actual mix of the donor gamete (which likely would have gone to waste if it hadn't went into a cup or a petri dish) and the egg from the mom or whatever to make them. No other combination would have made them. I can understand being curious about biology but biology isn't everything. Biology isn't an instant and perfect cure for a happy life. Even if it wasn't anonymous wouldn't necessarily get the answers or the relationship that this person craves.

My second problem with this is a problem I have with a lot of "studies". They don't give you the details. The size of the study group, where these people were taken from other than donor conceived. Donor conceived with two parents or just single parents? We the children told about the donor and how were they told. How did their parent(s) feel about it. All factors that can influence how a child feels about something. Was there a control group? What other factors were involved in the study.

Finally what about public opinion. John Tesh made a comment that the donor conceived children "felt like they were freaks of nature." This is because that is what some of society has made it. A single woman or a lesbian couple who is trying to have a baby using donor insemination is a joke, something to laugh at or is pathetic by many. She has to do this because she has no other options for a partner or parent. How many times do you see this addressed in TV or movies as a comedy? In many ways, yes this is how it is perceived. Not as a child that is a perfect gift and a wonderful life to be cherished that has been brought into the world by someone who wants to parent responsibly. No it would be almost better in some peoples eyes if you had just went out to a bar and gotten knocked up one night. If you tell someone often enough that how they came to be wasn't "normal" they may yes believe it. So if these children receive negative reactions for their origins often enough they will begin to see themselves as negative.

Of course the ending to the topic wasn't to encourage people to be more open minded about donor conception but instead to call for an end to anonymous donations.

Can I puke now?

Yes, you have just insured that I will once again make a point to change the radio station every time I hear that man's voice.

Closing Doors

Today has been a bit of an emotional day. To some extent I know why and yet to another extent I can't figure out why I wanted to cry all the way home this evening.

I know with my counselor a couple of weeks ago we discussed that a lot of my recent unrest, crazy dreams etc and what I ended up realizing is that with my 40th birthday coming up I was coming up on some lines I had drawn for when things were supposed to be accomplished by. I was coming up on a point where I felt like I needed to make some decisions what path I wanted to follow and time to maybe let go of some dreams. I don't know that I ever came to an answer for either of those areas but I know that for so many years I've felt like by age 40 I should be at x place. Hell, when my mom was 40 I was 20. One thing that was pointed out to me and that in the back of my mind I know even if I have a hard time remembering is that the line drawn at 40 was my line and not anything carved in stone so therefore it is flexible. It's not like at age 40 my uterus disappears, it becomes illegal for me to get married or I'm locked into one location or path for the rest of my life or even that since I'm a financial mess at this moment doesn't mean I will always be a financial mess. At least not if I decide to want something different.

Yet I can't deny that I've held on so tightly to those dreams and all of the little wishes that go along with those dreams that I feel like they are a bit wilted and crushed in my hand. I feel like I've spent so much time carrying around all of the luggage that I would need for when those dreams come true that I'm just tired. Beyond tired. I'm tired of holding on to all the little pieces and trying to keep everything organized and managed for a dream that may or may not come true. I find myself wondering if it's time to let go of all the little pieces that I was sure I needed for when those dreams came true and what I will have to hang on to if I do let go.

Saturday I started the somewhat painful process of boxing up the remaining supplies from my rubber stamping stuff that I had hoped to someday use with my maybe children. Doing so frees up a bunch of space and maybe will even give me a little cash too. I simply am trying not to think about how much I spent on all of it, especially the stuff I never got around to using.

I've (or at least I think I have) resigned myself to the idea that my house in Washington will likely end up foreclosed on. The offer I got a little over a week ago expires on the 30th and from what the bank said on Friday they still have to assess the value of the property and compare it to similar properties in the area and no thank you they don't want my Realtors help doing any of that, they'll get back to us on the decision in 60-90 days. This was after I got the bitch treatment from one of their mitigation specialists when I tried to call in and get some info on what was happening, info I never actually got either. It took my Realtor calling them back and bugging them further to get the above answer.

I also made an appointment for this Friday to meet with a lawyer regarding bankruptcy and am trying not to panic and feel like a total loser and not spend the next 4 days worrying that they will tell me there isn't a thing they can do to help me and I'm just flat out screwed.

So basically it feels like at this moment I'm closing a bunch of doors. And while my faith in God and a plan and all that is seriously lacking I keep hoping that somewhere soon there will be some windows opening and that maybe things will start to look better.

Weekends

Weekends are wonderful. Regardless of what day of the week they actually fall on or if you spend the whole time staying home because it's just too flipping hot outside to do anything. Yes, that does describe the weather here today in beautiful Fresno. It's supposed to be 103-105 this weekend. Blech.

Oh well. The week at work thankfully went by quickly. The work environment has thankfully calmed down and things seem to be moving a lot smoother now. That's a relief. It was steady most of the week which was good too. I finally got my Mary Kay makeup this week (it took me a couple of weeks to get an order put in) and am loving it. I'm trying out all kinds of different colors and such which is so much fun.

Another highlight of this week was I hit the 250's with my weight at 9 weeks post op. I weighed 259 which is down 48 pounds. I just can't get over how much better I feel, how much more energy I have (as long as I keep up my protein intake anyways) and how much more confident I feel. It's so fabulous finally starting to feel better about myself and to feel more confident. Last night I started looking around ebay at scrubs. I ended up bidding on and getting 2 pairs of pants (that will work with several of my shirts) and a shirt for less than $10. All from the same seller so hopefully she should combine shipping too.

This morning I tried a new protein shake concoction which turned out pretty good. It was with my click espresso flavored protein and I added some frozen cherries, sugar free black cherry and chocolate torani syrup and milk and ice. It was yummy.

The thing that I keep finding that surprises me the most since surgery is the cravings I have which are rarely for sweets. Granted some of the stuff I crave is still not that great for me maybe but it's not sweets that I crave. Also when I do allow myself to try something that isn't a best choice I'm finding I don't really care for it. It just doesn't taste as good as I had begun to think it would. The stuff that is good for me is what I find tastes fabulous. Last night for dinner I had Basil Pesto crusted Tilapia fillet (sorry I forgot to take a picture) and a few slices of zucchini that I had sprayed on I Can't Believe it's Not Butter spray (fat free) and put a bit of mozzarella and Parmesan cheese on. So yummy. Chicken strip today? Pretty gross. Maybe there's hope yet that I'm managing to retrain my eating habits for good.

Well At Least It's Not Monday

I have no idea why but I was so ridiculously tired yesterday. All day. I skipped the Mary Kay training thing I was supposed to go to and came home, read my book and went to bed. Tonight I needed to go exercise but it's over 90 out there and the idea of walking in that heat is just unbearable. Since I'm also eating dinner at this point I'm guessing I likely won't be hoping on the elliptical this evening either. For dinner I'm having chicken salad and since I try not to do too many cracker like things due to carbs I am instead eating the chicken salad on cucumber slice from my little flower pot garden. The cucumber plants are freaking huge and I'm guessing I will soon have cucumbers coming out of my ears. At any rate it's rather tasty. Last night was another of my mini pizzas and that was yummy as well. I've also been doing quite a few smoothies for breakfast lately. I've got frozen strawberries, cherries and blueberries and I throw those in with vanilla soy milk and some unflavored protein powder and there you go. I did order some new protein powder the other day that will hopefully be here soon and even more hopefully not taste like some kind of ass. Then hopefully I will commence with making protein ice cream! Course I need an ice cream maker for that. I'm hoping to win one from Eggface! I know I've mentioned her blog here before but it's worth mentioning again. She has this fantastic blog that is full of all kinds of wonderful weight loss friendly recipes that all look sooooo good (minus the onions though). Well for her surgerversary she is giving away an ice cream maker that I would just LOVE to win. If you want you can head over there and enter to win also. Plus check out some of her recipes and the before and after pictures. This lady is truly an inspiration!

I tried some more of the smaller pants that have been given to me today. They're too big already. They kept falling down. I also had a friend tell me that I wasn't allowed to wear the scrub pants I wore the other day anymore unless I took them in or something. All of my scrub pants are now huge on me. I keep looking around for cheap ones and I did buy a couple of smaller size neutral colors but the matching freak in me just can't stand the thought of my pants not perfectly matching my shirt, socks and shoes. However I also can't afford to go buy another 15 pairs of scrub pants to match all my shirts. Hmm. Maybe I should just wear the drab hospital ones for a while.

Well tomorrow is hump day and it's usually our busiest day of the week so it will hopefully go by quickly. Then it's the down hill slide to the weekend. Yippee! Not that I have anything much planned for the weekend but any day I'm not at work is a good day. Especially lately. Although I know I shouldn't complain since I do still have a job.

Hope everyone elses week is great.

Now It's Friday!

Thank goodness. It's been another crazy busy week. Work is still a bit crazy with a lot of upheaval. We've been working short a lot and they can't post any open positions until they've offered them to any of the people who have been laid off and so on. I understand it but of course it's a long process and in the mean time work is really busy. Again it's job security when we're busy so I don't complain much but still sometimes it would be nice to be able to actually take our breaks.

Besides all of the work crap it just seems like I have a lot going on in the rest of my life too. I've had a lot of appointments the last couple of weeks and I have one more coming up. Time for the yearly boob smashing. Oh goody. Plus I've started something new for me. A project sort of. And yes some of you may think I'm crazy. I signed up to be a Mary Kay consultant. I hadn't tried any of their products in years and went to a facial thing a few weeks ago. I also haven't been taking very good care of my skin lately (or maybe like ever?). I have been in the habit of rarely washing my face at night and just soap or whatever in the morning in the shower. My skin has been really dry the last few years. I know a couple of years ago I had went to seph*ora and had been talked into a face cream that was ridiculously priced in hopes of it helping with irritation associated with the make up I was trying to use at the time. It didn't help with the irritation and I pretty much quit using the make up as it made my skin itch and burn. I'm pretty sure I have rosacea and while I make efforts to cover the redness I haven't done a lot more than that. I have considered and looked at some of the more medium priced moisture creams etc but I just haven't gotten around to choosing something and buying it. So when I went a to the facial thing a couple of weeks ago I was going as a favor to a friend who's daughter was just starting. I was hugely surprised that I actually liked the product. Specifically the face cleansing and moisturizing product but I like the foundation really well too. But it's kind of expensive. Then they mentioned that if your a consultant you get your stuff for like half price. And half price is like a much better price. Plus I had just been given a pretty good reason to start washing my face at night. You know other than the fact that I'm almost 40 and you know starting to age and all. So I decided to give it a shot. My first thought was to just get my stuff cheaper. I don't necessarily see myself as doing so fabulous at this that I could ever afford to quit being a nurse but I've found that I would really like to try making a go at this and maybe seeing if I'm good at it. Plus I like that I'm in a place where I feel better about myself and find myself wanting to take better care of myself and to look as good as I can. So a couple evenings a week I've been doing stuff with that now too. Last night for the first time I actually had someone decide to buy some stuff which is kind of a fun feeling plus I know she left feeling really good about how she looked. And who knows. Maybe I'll mostly worry about getting my stuff cheap. Or maybe I'll get to do more with it. But it's kind of fun and it's getting me out a bit more often and getting me to meet a whole new group of people that I never would have met otherwise which is kind of fun too (I think my therapist might like this part as it's something she's been recommending if not the exact path she's been recommending). It's also forcing me to pretend to be a lot braver than I usually am and do things like stand up in front of people and talk to them. And hey, if you're ever in Fresno and want a facial?? I'm your woman.

Is It Friday Yet?

No? Dang. I didn't think so but one can hope.

I'm still here keeping busy, more so than I would like sometimes but it's all mostly going well. Today I'm 8 weeks out from surgery and I'm down 45.5 pounds. I only lost 1 pound this last week but the AF is here so I'm also holding on to a bit extra for at least another day or so. The great news? I went to see my regular doctor this morning. One of the things I wanted to talk about was my blood pressure. For the last 4 weeks or so I kept getting these moments where I would stand up and everything would go dark for a few seconds and I'd have to wait for it all to come back. I knew it was because my pressure was dropping when I stood up. 2 weeks ago I started cutting my medication in half because I was tired of almost falling over and I've been watching my BP. Today I told the doctor about it and he checked me again and I was pretty low on only half the pill so he told me to stop taking it!! 8 weeks out and I'm OFF my blood pressure medication!!! Yay!! Can you tell I'm happy about this?? It's one less pill I have to take which is a good thing.

The other good news I got today is that someone put in an offer on my house. Now hopefully the bank will accept it and soon the house will be sold. It sort of makes me sad though too. Even though I know I wasn't going to move back there and I know that I'm far from being the only person in this position it leaves me feeling a bit like a failure when it comes to managing my finances.

One other little funny thing before I head off to sleep. I wanted to talk to a friend of mine who isn't very tech savvy. However it was like almost 10pm and I didn't want to wake him if he was already asleep. So I sent him a text that said "r u awake?". A few minutes later I get this call and he says "how did you do that?" I guess maybe I need to teach him how to text?

Yummy Dinner

So tonight's dinner plan was for fish and zucchini. It didn't work out so well. I had purchased some pre-seasoned cod fillets at costco and didn't like the seasoning. So that ended up in the garbage. However earlier in the day I had mixed up this bean concoction for the week and I ended up eating that and boy was it good.

So glad I made this. It's a recipe I sort of borrowed and modified a bit. Not too long after my surgery I had joined a chat gastric bypass support group and from that found a fabulous blog (I hope you don't mind the mention) with all sorts of GBS friendly recipes. I haven't so far made much from the blog but she had a recipe for a bean and tuna Italian salad stuff that sounded good. However there were some ingredients I didn't love and other things I loved more so I modified a bit. It turned out really good and I will definitely be remaking this. It's a can of Cannellini beans, some cut up artichoke hearts, some sliced up black olives (I'm boring, I don't really like the fancy olives that well), some mozzarella cheese balls and some cut up salami. I then poured some balsamic vinaigrette dressing on it and let it sit for a while. Tastes soooo good.

So Far Behind

I'm so far behind on reading and blogging and just about everything else. It's been a bit of a crazy busy week. Work has been busy every day. This is a good thing in that it's job security, I think anyways. I had several early morning appointments this last week and several after work appointments. It all left me feeling a bit flustered and worn out. I did spend some time with the personal trainer on Wednesday morning and I can just now walk normally again. Squats are evil. Just truly evil. It's getting hot here so I don't know how much longer my evening walks will last. We will probably have to move inside soon. I just purchased a couple of exercise DVD's on ebay and also still have the work out room which will help. Last night though was funny as me and my neighbor walked for like an hour because we were so busy talking we just kept going.

There isn't a whole lot really going on. I've been feeling pretty good about myself most of the time. I can see where the weight loss has helped build my confidence and make me feel better about myself and also want to try harder. I'm enjoying feeling better physically too. I know that in some areas I still have a lot to work on but I feel like I'm at least trying to work on the painful feelings and the parts of my life that don't feel like they're working or at least not working well. Not easy and not fast but I just keep trying.

Improvising

So I'm quickly realizing that buying food in the small amounts I need really isn't easy so I need to figure out what to do so I don't end up eating the same thing for weeks on end. My freezer isn't very big but I'm going to work on using it as well as possible. My goal is that when I make something to either freeze some of the finished meal or to freeze some of the parts before it's made. Tonight is my first experiment with this too. It all started with a craving for pizza. I think I've mentioned before that I was craving pizza. I've considered going to a buffet thing to just get one piece but I still question that I could handle all that bread even though I'd love to eat a slice of regular pizza. A couple of weeks ago I bought some of the stuff for pizza. I bought a jar of pizza sauce and some pepperoni. Today I decided to go for it and make my pizza. Here is the finished product. I used a small carb balance whole wheat tortilla, some pizza sauce that I fortified with unflavored protein powder, olives, pepperoni and cheese. I stuck it in the toaster oven to melt the cheese and warm it up and also crisp up the tortilla some. It tasted pretty good although in all honesty I'm not sure my stomach is all that pleased with it yet.

However I'm left with quite a few "leftovers". I bought the smallest jar of sauce I could find (yes I know I could make my own sauce but realistically I likely won't, at least not any time soon) but still have a ton left and there is a ton of the pepperoni left as well. So what to do?? I don't want it all to go bad. So I'm freezing stuff. Granted I don't know how well it will freeze but it's worth a shot right? I took the pizza sauce and put it in the ice cube tray (I got that idea from all of you making your own baby food) to freeze and then I'll put the cubes in a ziploc bag. I'm guessing each cube will be just the right amount for a mini pizza. I still need to portion out the pepperoni and freeze it but I plan to do that as well. Then when I'm really craving something like that I can just take it out. I wonder what would happen if I froze the tortillas in individual bags as well. Hmm. May have to try that.

Putting The Thoughts Down

It's been a bit of a crazy roller coaster week and my head is seriously zinging in so many different directions it's not even funny. So much on my mind and so much to think about. So here is my effort to get some of this out of my head and down on the blog.

Work is still a bit crazy. It's been busier this week which is good as it's job security but a bit crazy since we are down a couple of employees. Last week they had said they were done firing people in our area but then this week we came to work to an announcement that the company planned to lay off 150 employees. Needless to say we were all a bit nervous about where we stood. There were conversations about who had more seniority etc (I have the least) and what may happen next. Friday I knew of one person who wasn't in my direct department who had been laid off but nobody in our department. We were also told that for now we are all safe although by August there may be another round of layoffs. The company also ended a program that I very much enjoyed called c-fit which was a healthy lifestyle program that had classes and incentives for being healthier. I had access to a dietitian and had earned enough points that I could hire a personal trainer for like 2 months. I had been waiting until I was healed enough from surgery. Now I get to claim one visit as the personal trainers last day is next week. My dietitian's last day is next week as well. Morale right now around the hospital sucks which is understandable and frustrating and the most surprising things about it all was I found myself realizing that I didn't really care that much if I got laid off. Severance pay and the ability to look for something new without wondering if I was doing the right thing sounded great. Of course the reasons for this are more than just looking for something new but I'll get into that later.

Another thing I noticed this week is that I feel great. I feel pretty much healed from surgery and am doing good with eating. I'm mostly done with pureed food and am eating regular food and doing mostly fine with it. I did discover that re-warmed fish was a bit too dry and not a good option as I came closer to puking than I ever had on Thursday night. I so don't want to feel like that again. But over all I feel great. And it's more than just physically. I feel good about myself. Yes the weight loss is helping even if it is slowing down some. I'm down 41.5 pounds and I know I look better even if I can't always see it myself. I also know that I have work to do still in the area's of self confidence and self love but I am working on it which also makes me feel great. Another thing I've noticed is that for the first time in I have no idea how long I'm not completely focused and obsessed with achieving some certain thing that is sure to be the one thing I need to finally be happy. I spent most of my teens, 20's and early 30's focused on finding Mr. Right and being married. I wanted it so badly I was willing to twist myself into a totally different person and do anything to make myself attractive enough to which ever man of the moment was my obsession. Then I spent from 36 until the last couple of months being completely obsessed with having a baby. It feels like I am finally for the first time just working on being happy in this moment and being happy with what I have and what I am in this moment. And it feels really good. I'm enjoying myself and the friendships I've made and the things I like to do. I'm making a huge effort to take care of myself and to be healthier and happier and it feels good.

Funny thing is that I've finally reached the point of feeling truly happy with myself, my life and even maybe my body when I'm on the brink of financial ruin. Yup. I am. I think I am possibly at the point where I need to just let go of my need to be the "good perfect" person that I've always tried so hard to be and look at filing bankruptcy. I don't want to do it as it makes me feel guilty and bad but I am in so far over my head it's not even funny. My house in Washington has to be pretty close to being foreclosed on. I had sent in an application to try to have the loan modified but have been told since then that they are only modifying for owner occupied properties. I'm going to lose the house. Which is likely going to mess up my taxes for next year as well. The other major amount of bills is thanks to paying for fertility treatments with credit. You think Capital One will want to reposes my ovaries??? They can have em. So as much as I don't want to see myself as a total slacker who doesn't live up to my responsibilities I also don't want to kill myself for something that is beyond fixing at this point. It's just a matter of finding someone impartial to help me answer which is the better option at this point. Credit counseling or Bankruptcy.

Which then leads me back to the whole job situation. I like my job and I like the people I work with. Although there are definitely things that I miss. Like my 12 hour shifts and having 3-4 days a week off. I'm also seeing how much I've based so many decisions in the last several years on infertility and the quest to become pregnant. When I decided to stop with the traveling nurse thing is was partly because I don't travel light well and it was getting too difficult to move every 13 weeks and partly because there really didn't seem to be as many travel assignments available. Another deciding factor though was that I was getting ready to do my last IVF cycle with my own eggs. And to some point I was so frickin sure it was going to work. I wanted to be stationary so I would have maternity leave, and not have to change doctors with another move and Fresno was more affordable than the coast where I really wanted to live. Don't get me wrong, there are things about Fresno that are pretty likable. I have never been anywhere that has had better produce and farmers markets than here. I love it and yes that may sound stupid to some people but it's a big thing for me. I have friends here which is great and it is an affordable area for California. However for as long as I can remember I have wanted to live closer to the ocean. Fresno is ok but it's still a good 3 hours and I don't get there nearly as often as I would like to. The heat here in the summer drives me a bit nuts but I suppose that's what AC is for. I am a little afraid though at what my next electric bill will look like.

So when they started talking layoffs at work I found myself thinking about maybe this was an opportunity to look at what options may exist in a location that I would love just for myself. Not because it would be an affordable place to be a single mom or because I would have a schedule that is perfect for a single mom (current schedule is but 12 hour shifts aren't really). Just someplace that would be a great location for me. Now while part of me fears that I'm just jumping and running to the next thing that is sure to "fix" me part of me feels like maybe I should really honor my desire to make a decision for myself and what I truly want not for how it might affect my future chances at motherhood or at being a wife etc. So while the timing for moving really isn't the best I still find myself looking at various web sites and when I see jobs available it's oh so tempting to apply just to see what might happen.