Show And Tell

I thought I would play along with Mel's show and tell today and post some pictures of my friend's Jan and Jim's yard. I love her yard. It has such a fantastic secret garden feel to it that I love to walk around and look at and just to sit out in the yard and enjoy it. When I was home for the weekend I stayed at her house and took my camera out and took some pictures and am posting a few here. I also got some great close up pics of some of her flowers that I uploaded on my flickr page (also some of my road trip home in May have now been uploaded).

So this is one flower bed up close to her house with roses and a sundial and a bunch of other flowers. Everything grows so well for her.

Jim always feeds the squirels and the birds. The squirrels aren't afraid of people hardly at all and this guy sat and watched me while he ate a peanut.

This one is of her arbor and I love the roses that grow on the sides.

This one is my favorite with the bushes and Ivy growing on the garage. I just love the bird bath there too.

Finally Friday and I'm Going Back To Work For the Weekend

I hope everyone is having a nice fourth of July. I slept all day, got up at 5 and found out my first 4 hours of my shift had been cancelled and went back to sleep for another 2 hours. Hey at least those 4 hours I don't have to make up since the hospital canceled them.
I got a phone call from my little sister yesterday. It surprised me but was so nice to talk to her. She is of course getting all sorts of drama from my mom and the whole church thing. I'm so proud of her though that she totally stood up to mom. Mom apparently tried to tell her that because she had the baby without being married that she can't talk to her or hug her or anything but hey I still want to see that baby 1 weekend a month. Apparently mom also told sis that she keeps in contact with me regularly. News to me since I haven't received an e-mail from her since Feb of 07 and I haven't actually talked to her on the phone in 3 years. It just pisses me off that she lies about it and tries to make herself look like she didn't completely abandon me. She has been doing this for quite a while so I shouldn't be surprised but yet I often am and am always annoyed by the whole thing. I also spoke with sis about my whole struggle getting pregnant and that I've considered using donor eggs if things continue to not work since I am sort of convinced that my 38 year old eggs are at least part of the problem. My sis offered to be an egg donor for me. Now I don't really think she understands all this entails so I can't say if this would ever actually go through but the offer was sincerely put out there. Something to think about. Otherwise not much going on.

I'm A Shopaholic

I am. I admit it. No denying it. And no I'm not currently shopping at the moment in light of having way to many bills to pay this month. I remember when I was young (around 8-15) one of my favorite pastimes was to plan. Slumber parties for me and my friends included sitting around in our jammies and looking through the J*C*penny, M0ntg0mery Wa*rds, and Se*ars catalogs. We would plan out our weddings (dresses, brides maids dresses) how we would furnish our house, our wardrobes (I could always get away with wearing whatever I wanted in my imagination not just what worked for my chubby self) , our future children's nurseries etc. This could easily be an all night thing. We loved it. Even as I got older this was a pastime. I remember when I lived in Portland there was a store there I loved. It was called Dai*sy Kin*gdom and they ended up having lots of patterns and craft stuff that was marketed all over but it started out as a store in Portland. They had lots of nursery stuff (like crib sets etc) that I loved and used to plan out what I wanted for a baby's room. They also had these absolutely fantastic dresses that I even bought several of for my little sister. I loved them. I went to warehouse sales and got some pretty cool stuff cheap too. I bought these fabric iron on things (you had to add the fusible web) for sweatshirts and puff paints and made sweat shirts by the dozens. Some I sold, some I gave away to friends. A couple years ago I discovered some of this Dai*sy King*d0m stuff on e-bay and started looking to replace a couple of things I had gotten while I was in Portland at a warehouse sale and that I had given up in an effort to please my mom. I did find the stockings and still need to put those together but am still looking for the tree skirt.
So when I started the whole TTC stuff it was something else to shop for. I'm not saying that it's all about the shopping and that's why I want a baby. I want to parent. However I did my share of trips to Tar*get, Wally's world and BRU to wander around look at baby stuff and plan the nursery. What sorts of things I wanted to buy. Which crib sets I liked etc. As I mentioned a couple of days ago after the IVF went to hell I pretty much stopped doing this. I haven't been to BRU since like last December and I try to avoid the baby departments for the most part in the stores. I also realized that I just didn't care that much about crib sets, basic blankets and just my own decorations instead of the entire room decorated in a certain "theme" and the whole life time cribs that are like hugely expensive aren't that important. Way more fun to save the money and buy a really cool bed when the child is older and will enjoy having a really cool bed. However when I was in SB and had an occasional slow night at work and since we could surf the web at work I started hitting e-bay looking for my tree skirt that I'm trying to replace. Then I started just looking through all Dai*sy King*d0m stuff. And came across some of the items that were for babies rooms. I found the one that had been one of my favorites. And I started buying the pieces. So I guess I'm still buying baby stuff which could be seen as a subconscious sign of eternal optimism. I started sewing the other night and put one of the blankets together. I have another blanket and also the pieces for a diaper hanger and some other stuff. I love all this stuff and want to show it all to someone and say "look what I found, isn't this cool." And I realize that this is a bit crazy and most definitely not like an infertile and that I could be mocking the Gods or fate or whatever to make me miserable and that this goes against my superstitious self that I have become. Also that I could end up being hugely disappointed if the baby thing never happens and I have all this baby stuff. But I love this stuff and that isn't as much of an argument since I've been collecting "baby stuff" since I was like 16 or younger. I have many of the blankets that were mine when I was a baby, my dad's baby quilt and some afghans my mom made for her future grand daughter not to mention dresses etc that she bought on clearance for her future grand daughter that I've had for at least 10 years. Yes I know, I'm goofy, strange or whatever. However there is a part of me (and please don't shoot me here as I do know that nothing is guaranteed) that really truly does believe that I will have a baby. It may not be with my own eggs (there is a part of me that really believes my eggs are crap at 38) or it may be by way of adoption or whatever but I do still really believe that one way or another I will have a baby. So in my heart, that crazy part of me that is still hopeful I continue to dream and plan for that someday baby and hope that this doesn't jinx me or anger the Gods of Fertility or life or whatever.
Just noticed that this is my 400th post. wow.

Just Another Day

So I'm trying to just keep moving along and not think about the TWW etc. That will probably work fine this week but next week not so much. At least that is my typical pattern for the TWW. I've basically been trying to keep busy.
I went through my address book and filled in a bunch of addresses that had been on individual pieces of paper and taking up space. I came across a paper from 3 years ago. I was getting ready to graduate from nursing school and was sending out announcements. I talked to my mom on the phone about my graduation (I think this was the last time I spoke to my mom on the phone although she did try to call once 2 years ago when I had my appendix out). She later sent me a piece of paper with various addresses for extended family members, most of which I already had but it was nice to get a few of the others. Looking at this now, 3 years later I'm struck by how "odd" this paper is. On the paper for several of my aunts and uncles such as J & L she puts in parenthesis (B... * B...) my cousins names. Like I wouldn't freaking know that??? I grew up with them. I know their freaking names. I know that they belong with J & L. I can understand a bit on some of the more distant relatives that I wasn't around much but for this one especially I grew up with them. It just seems odd. I also remember getting an e-mail from her about 2 years ago that my grandma had died. It was this oddly formal e-mail like she was announcing this to a distant relative. It said something like Grandma P (her last name which I hadn't called her by since I was a little kid) passed away today. It was just weird. My mom is weird. It bugs me that she is so unsuportive and uninvolved in my life. I've seen on a couple of peoples blogs lately a meme of sorts that's something like 6 things that have shaped your life. My interactions with my mom would definitely fit that description.
I went to the doctor yesterday and got cleared to go back to work full duties. Good think because I'm still trying to figure out how I'm going to pay my rent. I had it all figured out fine until I didn't work this last weekend. Now I'm short most of a paycheck. Ugg. If this cycle doesn't work I will likely have to take next month off so I can get caught up again. Of course like I've said it would help if HS would pay me what he agreed to pay me. I'm still not holding my breath waiting for that to happen. I have to make those 3 days I missed up but I get paid differently for those days I make up so it will be sort of like getting paid less. Recruiter was trying to say how it would be more as most of the hours get paid at overtime rate but hello, that's more taxable income. Oh well. I told them I would work tomorrow night and while I don't know if they will need me, I'm at least down for now.
Well I made my chocolate cake last night and that satisfied that urge. It's sort of funny though since for the most part the thing I like best about the cake is the frosting. And it would be so much better if I could just buy a slice of cake at the store but it's not the same. It's drier and doesn't taste as good. Now I should just give the rest of this away rather than continue to eat it.

Waffling

Back and forth between hope and pessimism. Part of me knows that the timing was great for my IUI based on the opk and that gives me hope. Then part of me is scared that it still wasn't right. I'm afraid that I ovulated very quickly after positive opk since CM dried up again and I had some cramping Saturday night that could have been ovulation but I know cl0mid can screw the whole CM thing up. Then I bounce right over to worrying that even though I had an LH surge I didn't ovulate without the trigger and it was all for nothing. God I hate this part. I was so bloated Saturday and yesterday. Today is better. I'm still having cramping occasionally in my left ovary region and that is about it. I seriously don't know what to think. I've also been craving chocolate cake. I tend to be very suggestible when it comes to food. I read on someones blog that they had cupcakes and then I couldn't get cupcakes out of my head. The other day I went back and was reading my own blog during my last cl0mid cycle (chemical pregnancy) and I had been talking about chocolate cake. Now I can't quit thinking about chocolate cake. Ugg. I've been working on some craft stuff which has been sort of fun. I also went back to urgent care and got released back to work at full duties. Then on the way home my neck started hurting a lot. Hopefully that will quit. I need to pick up at least one day during the week to make up for Sunday and then decide when to make up for Friday and Saturday. This is the thing about traveling. I make great money. But I have no sick time, no vacay time, my benefits are only so-so. So I also feel a bit like I'm struggling with the whole idea of missing being a staff nurse and feeling like I have some security. It scares me sometimes and I'm not always sure what to do with it.

Deed is Done

Yes, I've been sperminated. It seemed to go ok for the most part. I had some cramping as doc had a bit of difficulty actually getting all the way through the cervix and into the uterus. Which sort of made me wonder. Old clinic usually only took maybe a couple of minutes to do IUI. Once it took her longer to find cervix than to do IUI. So what is the likelihood that they actually did an IUI and not just got barely into the cervix and put the sample in. Hmm. So now I'm officially in the TWW. I'm trying not to freak out and worry about timing etc. Doc thought the timing was probably pretty good. He said I could use the pr0metrium if it made me feel better (I have some left) and now I just wait. And we all know how good at that I am. Haha.

Change In Plans

Because of course my body can't ever just do what it's supposed to or what I have planned for it. This morning I woke at 8 to go potty and had huge amounts of EWCM. Started to worry about timing and went and got some opks. At 10 this morning it was negative. Since I hadn't went to bed until 4 I went back to sleep and got up at 2:30 this afternoon to again tons of EWCM and a positive opk. This is of course exactly what happened last time I did cl0mid with idiot in Fresno. I was told timing was fine and to keep Mondays appointment. This time I called the doctor (it took my several tries and bleu explaining that it was a pager and I had to leave my number) and got a call back right away. IUI has been changed to 11:30 tomorrow morning. And no trigger. So I'm more relieved about the timing and thrilled that I feel like I was listened to. This was something that was very lacking in my last doctor so it's beyond nice. Now lets see if my jeans still fit since I'm feeling a bit bloated.

Saturday Scattegories

I've seen this the last few weeks on Cali's blog and wanted to play along but haven't taken the time really since I'm usually working on Saturday. So since I'm off work and awake (after 4 freaking hours of sleep but my body is freaking me out) I thought I would do this. So here goes.

Take the first letter of your favorite color and answer to the following:
1) What is your favorite color?

Purple
2) Something you would poke?

Possum (I tried to pet one once, I thought it was a kitty)
3) Something you would reheat?

Peas
4) Something you would carry in your purse?

Pennies
5) Something you would recycle?

Plastic bottles
6) Something you would scream if being attacked?

Yeah that would usually start with an F.

Please as in stop??
7) Something you are wearing right now?

Pink and or panties

8 ) Something that would make you blush?

Pooting in public (isn't that the word they use in Ya-Ya sisterhood?)
9) Something that would cure a bad day?

Pansies
10) Something that you would photograph at the zoo?

Pandas and penguins

Finally Friday

So the scan went ok this afternoon. Although it seems that a follicle has dropped out of the running. Wed I had 3 and maybe 4. Now I have 2 and maybe 3. Oh well. I'm trying not to worry, I only need one. I have 2 at around 18 and one at 15 that they said might make it. I will trigger tomorrow night (yay for subQ injections) and have my IUI on Monday at 1pm. Then the real fun begins. The eternal waiting for the end of two weeks. Ugg. So far I haven't been stressing much about all of this. Of course I also have caught myself thinking of what happens for my next cycle which isn't necessarily thinking positive. So I find myself basically just trying not to think. Which I pretty much suck at too. Turning my head off doesn't always happen easily.
In other news, I have the weekend off. While this feels like a great thing, not having to go to work and all, money wise it sort of sucks. I had mentioned briefly the other day that I hurt my neck at work. I'm pretty sure it's just a pulled muscle and while it gets a bit sore at the end of the day for the most part I'm ok as long as I don't try to turn my head to the left too far. However the doc I saw on Monday wrote for me to be light duty until the 30th when I'm supposed to go back. I had planned on just going to work and being careful not to lift when I realized that I could end up making the whole workmans comp thing a nightmare that way. So I called the hospital and asked and they took me off the schedule for the weekend. Ouch. That paycheck will suck big time. Wouldn't be such a huge problem if I wasn't cycling (hence money going out in somewhat large amounts) and if HS would be paying me the full amount of rent that I had told him I needed which is $500. Somehow (gee I wonder why) I don't think that will be happening. So the next couple of weeks could be poor weeks (rolling change for gas poor) for me. Oh well. I will survive, I always do. I'll just have to juggle a bit.

Back To The Stirrups

My scan today went fine. I had 4 follies but doc said possibly one wouldn't be ready on time. It's too early to do anything but I had figured as much since it's only CD 12 and the last time I did Cl0mid I didn't trigger until like CD15 or something and didn't do the IUI until CD 18. I go back on Friday for another date. In the meantime I feel like I'm trying to find the delicate balance of allowing some hope to take hold without jumping head first into belief which will leave me drowning if it doesn't work. I went out driving last night and found an outlet mall and stopped just for the heck of it. They had a m0therh00d maternity store and I actually caught myself looking in the window and seeing plus size stuff and wanting to go look. Then I reminded myself it's much better to wait until I actually need the clothes. I remember though my first AI which I did at home. At the end of the TWW I went to Seattle to my BFF house and on the way stopped at another outlet mall. I actually went in to the store then and tried stuff on. I even almost bought some of it since I was so sure it had worked. On the first try. How stupid and naive I was. I even bought baby stuff fairly regularly until the IVF went to hell. Now most all of it is stashed away at home in Washington and I do my best to avoid that part of the store. There will be plenty of time to shop once I actually get pregnant and maybe stay that way past the first trimester or so. I sort of miss though that hopefulness. That excitement every cycle thinking this could be the one. I'm not there right now. I am glad to be trying again and I think about the end product (a baby) some but as far as imagining being pregnant in the next few weeks I have not allowed my mind to go there. I instead find myself somewhat obsessively looking for items that could be considered a good luck charm or a fertility charm. Yes again I admit that infertility has made me superstitious. Never was before but I sure am now.
I've been enjoying my days off but I didn't make it to the beach. There is so much smoke around that it's making me a bit crazy. Today after my appointment I headed to San Francisco for a little while. I walked around for a bit but it was much cooler there and I was only wearing a tank top. Plus it was almost as smokey there. Then I had some fish and chips that didn't seem to agree with me much and my head and neck were really bugging me so I headed back home. It was still a nice trip to just go somewhere.
I do have to tell a little story from the other night. I was sitting in my chair totally zoned out as I had taken a muscle relaxer for my neck. So my cat Sara was digging around on my desk. I figured she was trying to steal a pen or something because that is the type of thing she does. So then I see this spider run across my desk, not a very big one but I could see it and she was chasing it and trying to pounce on it. It was trying to run one way and she nearly got it so it turned and took off running the other way, got to the edge of the desk and totally looked like it jumped off the desk trying to get away from Sara. It was like the goofy thing took a flying leap off the desk. Of course then Sara couldn't find it. Me I was too tired to care where it went. It was so funny to watch though from across the room. Probably not nearly as funny if I had been sitting at my desk at which my friends in Washington may have heard me scream.

I Survived Another Week

Barely. Last night was another night from Hell. I have so far since I've been at this hospital had 1 good night. Not a good track record. Last night I had 4 total care patients meaning that they need to be turned every 2 hours along with any other "care" they need. One of those was also a new patient with multiple wounds to be documented. Basically I spent the whole night running. That on top of injuring my neck at work the night before made for a not so fun night. I'm down to counting how many shifts I have left (29). For now I'm off work for the next 4 nights and I'm just going to try to enjoy my time off without thinking of work.
This morning I got my package via fed ex. My hcg injection stuff. And can I just say how much I love fre*ed0m pharmacy? I got all my IVF meds from Schr*afts. They charged for everything, needles, syringes, a sharps box I didn't ask for. So I get my hcg from fre*ed0m and there are 3 syringes and needles in the box and a new sharps box ( I had mentioned that both mine were full) and the only thing I was charged for was the med. Wednesday morning is my date with the dildo cam. I'm actually looking forward to that (no not because my sex life is boring lately) since I want to see how I'm responding. Side effects from cl0mid aren't bad. Basically the usual hot flashes from hell and thats it. I don't know if I'm crazy but I'm excited and hopeful about this cycle. Maybe because it has felt so much the last couple of months like my body is trying to do what it's supposed to.
Tomorrow I'm off to find a beach. A place without smoke would be nice too. There is so much smoke in the air right now it's giving me a sore throat. Yuck.

Work Sucks

The last 2 nights I have been floated to an entirely different hospital. Still a hospital that does not have nurses aides at night and according to a nurse I work with often doesn't have them during the day either. The people were nice but the whole trying to find stuff in a place I'm unfamiliar with while trying to care for patients and discharge someone etc is enough to drive me crazy. The charting is a bit different in a good way which was nice. The thing I'm struggling with is that I hate my job. I keep telling myself that it's this job, not being a nurse. And while I don't love being a med/surg nurse I've never hated my job before now. So I'm hoping this will be a short lived thing. However I'm finding that I spend more time planning my escape from acute care (hospital) nursing.

All Aboard, Here We Go Again

Yes folks hurry and hop on the fertilicoaster, it's just about to leave.
Finally. It's been over 4 months since the IVF, early bleeding, beta hell, early miscarriage and the monster cyst from hell and I'm now finally back in the game. Today is CD5 and I had an appointment this morning for what I thought was just a scan. Turns out they wanted to do a Saline Sonogram on me. At first I didn't want to then figured what the heck, may as well get that out of the way. This all showed a nice smooth uterus and a left ovary that was cyst free. And yes I know that the chances were that it would be gone but in all honesty there was a part of me that was really scared the cyst from Feb would still be there. Thank God no, it's gone. So I left with my script for cl0mid (oh goody) and an appointment for another scan next week. I've now taken my first dose of cl0mid and while I'm dreading the hot flashes I usually end up with I'm basically excited and looking forward to doing something. I also think I have a sperm donor picked out so that's a plus too. As far as the eye color thing, yes I am aware that it won't matter a bit what color my child's eyes are. I like blue eyes and have sort of looked for donors that have similar coloring to me but basically no, not a big issue. However it is something to help sort of narrow down the choices since the only thing I sort of insist on is no allergies. Basically I don't need to add more donors to the list when the list I have already makes my head spin. So I try to stick with blue eyes and fair skin.
Not to much else happening. I did end up getting a shelf thing for some of my craft stuff to go on so I can hopefully get my boxes unpacked. I may hold off on the dresser. At least until I have a better idea of what or where my next step is. So clothes remain in boxes. Oh and the bug guy came and sprayed yesterday for bugs and we didn't have to leave the house. Down side is that maintenance told me today that silverfish are basically a part of life here and there isn't much that can be done. Oh goody. Friday is my birthday and I get to work that night and the nights around it. Fun stuff. Next Tuesday though I may go find a beach for the day. The 24th is the 14th anniversary of my dad's death. Kind of a hard day and I want to spend it by the ocean if I can.

Oh The Things That Bounce Around My Head

I have as usual my brain going in many different directions at once and somethings I'm trying to make decisions on. And below this post is promised pics of flamingos.
First thing is the whole sperm bank issue. I have used Mid*west for the last 3 cycles and when checking into what I needed to do since I've moved and since I've changed doctors I found out that I have to basically redo all my paperwork. Not a huge issue but still. Then I also found out that my donor that I used is in quarantine until at least mid July so I won't be able to use him for this cycle. Enter the groan about having to choose a new donor. The bank will happily send me long profiles of any donor I wish, not a problem but when I mentioned preferring a donor with blue or green eyes, she tells me that her donors with brown eyes have better success. Damn. Now I have to worry about the whole have they been successful thing part too. I had forgotten all of this since the donor I used had several successes that I had found on DSR. Also their shipping rates have increased a bit which is still less than NW when I used them, not a biggie. Their prices for vials is still pretty darn good. Then I started looking at (yes I know I should just not do this as it's like the ice cream shop with 31 flavors, to damn many choices) a more local bank which has significantly higher prices for vials etc. Plus having to pay a registration fee. Basically more cost but they give a bit more info on their site and they offer the option of looking the donor up later. So now not only am I in this dilemma on what donor to pick but I'm also looking at the whole should I change banks. Ugg.
The other thing I'm having a hard time making a decision about is related to the traveling nurse thing. I love it. I love going different places and seeing different stuff but am having a hard time with the wanting to settle in thing. It's the whole I don't travel light well problem. I do know I have to make choices and mostly feel like my choice is made but it's a bit frustrating. I am trying to unpack. I have a bunch of stuff (most of my craft things I brought from home) that I haven't really got anywhere to put them. Plus all my clothes that don't hang up are in boxes on the floor (and I read that the bugs mentioned a couple of posts ago like boxes). I'd really like to go back to I*k*e*a (my new favorite store) and get a shelving unit or two and a dresser. But they become things I basically need to move. Which doesn't sound like a great plan really. However I went to the bulls eye place last night and was just going to get more of those plastic drawer things for my clothes but they cost almost what a dresser would cost at my new favorite store and they seem to break super easy (I lose at least one drawer set every move and have bought several since I've been moving around). Plus I would keep the dresser if I bought it. I also look at it from the point of view that I would really like to find a place and stay put for several contracts which would mean not moving as much but I am fairly certain this is not the place. I seriously doubt I will stay at this hospital for more than the one contract. Which means that come September I will likely be moving again. So do I buy the dresser and a set of shelves or just leave it all in boxes.

Operation Pink Flamingo

So here are a few pics from this weekend. I tried to get several different angles on all the flamingos.

Here we have the one that was in his mail box also. I had a happy birthday balloon tied around it's neck and it had a pair of under shorts on. I think the stuffed one came from that build a bear place where you can dress them and it was dressed in the briefs which was just too funny.

Here you can see the flamingos and the balloons that I tied to the porch. I had only gotten 47 flamingos when I bought them as that was all the store had. So we found two balloons with pink flamingos on them and then the stuffed flamingo and that all made 50.

Fantastic Weekend

Ok so I promise I will try to at least get pics of the flamingos up in the next day or two. If I can make them upload with this damn internet connection. That said, I had so much freaking fun. It was a blast.
I got in on Friday morning and I had the day to just sit around and visit and not do a whole lot. We talked about our plans for operation pink flamingo and how if we did it in the middle of the night we ran a risk of getting caught and not getting to finish what we were doing. So we decided to go over the day before on Saturday afternoon while he was at work and decorate. This ended up being a really good choice since it took about an hour to get all the flamingos out and they weren't that easy to put the legs on etc. Plus we could laugh and giggle etc and boy did we have fun. I got a bunch of pics. We went home and waited for D to call. We figured we would hear from him around 5:30 but apparently he didn't get off work until almost 7. The first thing he said when he called his mom (he still didn't know I was there) was that she did it and that I was some how involved. He kept saying "there's tons of them" and "they're everywhere, they're even in my mail box" since I stuck a stuffed one in his mail box. I sat there trying not to laugh while his mom was talking to him. The next morning the newspaper ad showed up but he didn't notice that until later in the morning when it was pointed out to him. When he got to his moms house for the party I went and hid and then popped out and did the surprise thing. He was shocked. Surprised I was there for his birthday. Then of course I got a surprise too when they brought out a birthday cake for me too. I had thought that maybe we wouldn't include me in the party this year and felt like maybe we shouldn't since D has to share his birthday with me every year (and fathers day) since they are so close and lets face it, we broke up 6 years ago but he doesn't seem to mind and it was a nice surprise for me too. Overall a fantastic day and weekend. So back to work on Thursday and sort of dreading it. Oh well. 11 more weeks.

Bugs

I hate bugs. Spiders are the worst but all bugs in the house just suck. I know they have a purpose of some sort (although you have to wonder just what God was thinking when he created mosquito's and cock roaches) but in the house they do not belong and make me a bit crazy. My new apartment has silverfish. Ewwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had seen 1 a couple days ago. Then I say 2 the day after that. I've seen like 6 tonight. And of course I can't do anything over the weekend since I'll be gone. But next week they need to spray or something which will probably mean that I will have to get me and kitties out of the house. Fun since it's always interesting to find a place to take 2 cats when it's hotter than hell outside. Ugg.

Still Here

Yes, I'm still here. Still hanging in there. I sort of checked out for the last few days in an effort to quiet my mind. It seems to help when I can just shut out as much as possible and bury myself in a good book or two or three and not spend so much time thinking and dwelling on what I dislike about my life. I'm feeling a little better and have permission to start taking my little happy pills again today.
Doctors appointment was yesterday and I'm happy to say it went great. I am very impressed with this doctor and the time he took to listen to me and my concerns and to go over a plan with me. Bleu let me follow her out to the office (so I could figure out where the heck I was going) and introduced me to the doctor and staff which was so nice. Thanks again Bleu. I went over my history with the doc and my thoughts on where I wanted to go next. He wants to do a saline sonogram and some lab stuff but is ok with waiting for July 1 (when my insurance picks up) to do so. He's also ok with my doing at least 2 more IUI cycles. And we're going to use cl0mid. I responded better to this than I did with my injectible cycle so why not. I've only 2 cl0mid cycles so far and I got a chemical on the one so not a big deal. I can start with my next cycle which should start any day now. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so happy to be back to doing something. Anything. I also spoke with him about the AD use. Previous doc in Fresno wanted me off them completely. Great in theory but not so great in reality. New doc was ok with and even thought it could help if I was taking them. While I was at home I had my regular doctor give me a script for z0l0ft instead of pr0zac since I knew that was the preferred one. I will go fill it today and start taking it. Hopefully I can get a better handle on my moods which have been shitty.
Otherwise not much going on. I've worked a lot in the last week so that I can have this coming weekend off. I fly home on Friday for The Birthday party and operation pink flamingo. I'm excited about that.
Job stuff sort of sucks. My first week in and I am so not impressed with this job. I keep telling myself that I felt that way my first contract at Fresno and even the first couple of weeks at SB but this just seems overwhelming. The bad thing is that it's my fault. I had seen huge red flags when the nurse manager interviewed me and I ignored them since I felt I needed to come to Sacramento. Big red flags. Things such as there are usually no nurses aides at night which means that I have to do everything for 5 patients. If there is a patient who is a total care, needs turning etc it is next to impossible to keep up with turning the patient every 2 hours, all my paper work, vitals and all the other patient needs. I've left late almost every morning. Other things don't get done. I'm left feeling like a bad nurse since I can't possibly provide the care I want to provide to my patients. Right now I feel like I can't wait to get out of this hospital. I'm not sure how this will affect TTC in the future but as of right now it is doubtful I will stay at this hospital more than 1 contract. Hopefully I can find another hospital that works better. In the meantime I just keep telling myself that it's only 13 weeks. That is all I have to do. And now I'm down to almost 11 after the lovely split shift today. I have computer class this morning from 9-1pm and then work from 11pm to 7am. Yuck. But then tomorrow I get ready to go home for a couple more days which will all be good.

No Pics

Yet.
I tried to upload them on Tuesday night and of course my Veriz0n wireless connection booted me. So I won't be able to upload pics to flickr or my blog until I get a new internet connection. And I don't know for sure if that will happen before I head back home for operation pink flamingo or not. I will get pics up as soon as possible but just not yet.
I have an appointment next Tuesday with the doctor here. I'm excited, anxious etc. I'm ready to get going again and scared that it just isn't going to happen.
Not sure what I think of work yet. Not really liking my manager at all. I suppose we'll see. Otherwise I'm having a bit of a hard time. I'm really feeling down lately. I know that part of it is homesickness but I also know that part or a lot of it is more depression. I'm not coping great with every day stuff or the shit in my head. I feel like I'm teetering on the edge and it bothers me. So for the next few days I will continue to try to deal.

I So Get It...

No, not sperm unfortunately. I found I*k*e*a yesterday. I admit that in the past I've never understood the draw of that place. I remember seeing a catalog years ago and thinking it didn't look that spectacular. So yesterday was my first time ever going to the store. And I get it. I get how you can go in there and spend HOURS. We will not talk about how many hours or how much money I spent there. I will say however that I have a new chair and a few other things for around my house not to mention a list of other needs/wants. I'm still not totally unpacked as I have a ton of stuff with no place to put it. I had shelves and baskets at home for my craft stuff and didn't bring them with me. I suppose I might have to go back to I*kea to figure out a new idea. And my inability to travel light gets even more pronounced. I also still haven't found my cell phone charger which is annoying me. I think I've lost it. I remember at home thinking I hadn't seen it in a couple of days and thought I had packed it away but I can't find it in any of the boxes either. Leaving me to wonder if HS picked it up on accident thinking it was his. I did check kitchen, living room and spare bedroom before I left and didn't see it.
I did the hospital orientation today which was freaking long. 10 hours. On my ass, listening to someone gabber at me about stuff I've heard before. Oh goody. Oh and on like 5 hours of sleep since I again couldn't sleep last night. I hope that all gets better soon. I'm tired of not being able to sleep.
The ovulation pain or whatever was gone by yesterday. Oh and I got a statement from my insurance for the U/S back in March a month after being in the hospital. $437 to look at my damn ovary. Whatever.
I got an estimate today on fixing the couple of things in my house that need to be fixed. It was a bit more than I had hoped but seems to be fairly accurate. I had some tiles fall off the wall in the bathroom and have some mold behind them and that needs to be fixed. The problem is that I didn't seem to keep the tiles (my theory being that I wanted all of the ugly things off the wall so why keep them) so I have to do some modifying since there is no way I will ever get replacement tiles. Oops. Still it's all stuff that needs to be done.
Not too much else going on for me. I still don't have my schedule past this week so I haven't made an appointment yet. Hopefully I will have that tomorrow. Then to figure out the next step. I'm so anxious to take that next step too. I'm tired of sitting on the sidelines already.

I'm Here

Well, I finally made it to my apartment this morning and it's a really nice apartment in a nice area of town. Thanks to my helper Bleu who told me what was and wasn't a good area. Yes I know I was supposed to be here yesterday but it all worked out fine. Yesterday I slept in, until almost 10am. I needed that really bad as I haven't been sleeping very well. So I didn't hit Sac early enough to get into my apartment so I got here this morning after much driving around in circles to find a branch of my bank. Funny thing (or maybe not per my perspective this am in the car) the cats did so well the last 2 days in the car with getting settled in and sleeping. This morning I put them in the car and they were like "nope, done with the car" They squawked the entire drive. I had put an ad on C*raigs place last night and within 15 minutes had 3 responses so I had 2 people show up this morning to unload the trailer for me. Now I just have to finish unpacking it all. I've got all my craft stuff which is nice. I'm looking forward to getting started on doing my quilting and rubber stamping again. Although it did occur to me yet again today, for a traveling nurse, who could possibly move every 3 months, I really need to get better at the traveling light thing.
So I've spent all day with the tune from 0scar Me*yer in my head (the wiener one no pun intended) but I've been thinking the words "oh I wish I had some little spermies" to the tune. I think I've now gone completely crazy. But I have this really strange thing creeping in which may end up smacking me in the face. It's hope. And yes I am maybe being stupid about it. I've been having that pain on the left side again. I still don't know if it's the cyst or whatever the hell it was but it's basically coinciding with ovulation again. I have never before felt ovulation pain except when I was actually forcing ovulation with meds but it's there, second month in a row. I also have CM again which is nice as I haven't had that for a couple of months. I also happened to run across some opks while I was at home. There were 2 from the 24 pack I purchased a year or so ago from NW. They never worked. I not only never actually got a positive opk on them, I never even got a second line. The only ones that ever worked for me were answer and clear blue not so easy. So for shits and giggles today I peed on one. And it was positive. So what does that mean. Am I completely crazy to think/wonder if the IVF/miscarriage did something to sort of kick start my body into doing what its supposed to? Of course it still doesn't matter much since I have absolutely no access to sperm. Crap. So Monday I will make an appointment with the new doctor I want to see and continue to hope that maybe this might work this time.

Half Way There

Well I'm at about the half way point on my drive and it wasn't too bad of a drive so far. Started a little later this morning than I had planned thanks to the f'ing insomnia. I'm sooooo sick of not being able to go to sleep.
I cried when I left. I felt so bad leaving Sadie there. I hate the idea of making her live in an apartment and for what it's worth I know she adores HS by the way she goes crazy when he pulls up in front of the house but am feeling guilty as I feel like I've abandoned my dog (and the responsibility of being a dog owner) in my quest to have a baby. Not really the best feeling.
The drive like I said wasn't bad. Scooby is pulling the trailer fine and the trailer really isn't that full so I suppose that helps. I did stop some today and try to get some pics. When I get to Sac and get settled a bit I will have to load all my pics in my computer, see which ones turned out ok and post some on my flickr site. I also will yes post pics in a couple weeks of project pink flamingo.
Tonight I will get some sleep I hope. Thanks for everyone who went over and clicked on Our Own Creations site. The goal met and exceeded.

Outta Here

So tomorrow I am out of here. Off to Sacrament0. Excited, a bit apprehensive about what will happen here etc but we'll see. I have my little uhaul trailer all packed up and all I need to do is load up the cats. I will be signing the paperwork tonight to list my house and we'll see what happens with that. I also am figuring though that I likely will be coming home in September for a bit to finish packing things up here and figure out what else to do, or at least if the house doesn't sell. I'm feeling more and more like this situation doesn't work for me and wish I had decided to stick to my guns but oh well. I learn new things every dang day whether I want to or not. For now Sadie will be continuing to stay here since that was the plan but I will be trying to figure that out over the next 3 months as well. I miss her and while I worry about making her live in an apartment and wanting to do what is best for her not to mention also about being able to find rentals with a dog and two cats I will have to work around it somehow if I can't find a different option here.

I have had a great time at home. I've gotten to visit with many people that I didn't know if I would have time to see which has been great. I have set in motion my embarrass the ex boy friend plans. I should explain that a bit though lest you all think I am really a bitch. I have an ex-boyfriend. Who is my ex for a reason but we have managed to remain friends for the last 4.5 years. He's a great guy most all the time who has really done a lot to help me out etc. He also has a birthday coming up. One of those big milestone sort of birthdays. The one that starts with 5 and ends with 0. I've been planning for this for 2 years. For the guy who usually doesn't really acknowledge his birthday. Yesterday I took out a birthday sort of ad in the newspaper to be published on his birthday with a nice pic of him at 5 or so. I also have purchased 47 (all Tar*get had) pink flamingos which will mysteriously end up in his yard that morning along with 3 other borrowed flamingos. He also thinks I'm not going to make it back to town for his birthday since I'm starting a new job. Hehehe. Me and his mom are going to plant the flamingos in the middle of the night and hope that we don't get caught or that no police etc are involved. We can't wait. It will be such fun.



Now I have one other thing to sort of spread the word about for Thursday. This is a post I got from Mel's blog over at Stirrup Queens and I think it's important so I thought I would pass the word along. She said we could copy.

I ask you to do a lot. This time, it is simply a small click. Perhaps more
than once during the day, maybe moving around to different computers if you work
in a space with multiple computers. I, for one, am hitting a local library where
I can log-on each computer and click once.It is such an enormously small
thing--a click.The day that Allison lost Zoë is forever marked her "best day ever"
on Wordpress because
it is the day that the most people visited her blog. For her own emotional
well-being, she needs this post to be taken off her blog dashboard. The way to
do that is to create a new record for visits to her blog.On Thursday, May 29,
please click on Allison's blog, Our Own Creation, and help
replace that post with whatever is currently up on her blog that day. Everyone
needs to visit on the same day--May 29th--because if we simply click throughout the week,
it won't bump the day she lost Zoë from that section of the dashboard. I am writing
this now to give us time to spread the word. Take the graphic I created and
place it on your own blog. Don't worry--I'll remind you to click that day.We
need 2,350 people to visit Our
Own Creation on May 29th. We need 1,785 people visit Sweet Zoë.

Do They Have A 12 Step Program For That??

So I've come to realize yet again and yes I've actually known this for quite a while but it is very clear to me that I'm am still to put it quite frankly, An Approval Whore. Yes, that's me. The thought of someone feeling unhappy with me, upset by me, cheated by me etc pretty much drives me crazy and nearly makes me want to give away whatever I can to make that person happy. But see I've been under the delusion that in the last few years I've gotten better, grown a back bone and all that. And maybe I have since I've tried to ignore very hard lately the thought that someone I may have considered a friend was upset with me for reasons unknown to me or that work was upset with me in SB for leaving after I had said I would stay etc. Life goes on, can't please everyone and all that. Then this whole what to do with my house stuff came up. I knew I needed to either sell or more money coming in to cover the house payment. I told HS (house sitter) that I needed to rent and ended up feeling guilty about it. Finally gave in and said that I would go for a roommate as long as I could leave Sadie here for now, leave my stuff here etc. I had been letting him stay here as a house sitter sort of role for $300 a month and I paid the utilities (including cable TV and internet). I figured that if I rented the house out I would get probably $700 a month plus they pay the utilities and I would have to put my stuff in storage which would cost me around a hundred plus if I did go with a management company I would have that expense. I have since been told by a neighbor that she had friends who would be willing to rent for $700 a month and she would help watch the property which would eliminate the need for a management company however I had already offered to let HS stay. I told him that for a small increase to $500 a month for rent and him take over the utilities, I'd leave things as is which is basically a fully furnished house and a large 2 car garage that has some of my stuff out there but has left plenty of room for his motorcycle, his girlfriends jet skis and some random furniture she has that she uses as staging furniture in vacant houses (all of which I'm sure saves her money on storage also). To me this seems like a fair amount for a furnished house (I don't think he really has much furniture since he has none stored here) and near as I could tell he thought that sounded like a good idea as well. I told him that I wanted this to basically be carried out or start by June 1. So for the month of May he told me he was sending me more money and I got $500 . No other explanation, just that he was sending me more money. For the record I have felt bad that since I've been home he hasn't been able to stay here as he is allergic to the girlies. I had asked and he said it should be fine but he started sneezing profusely as soon as he walked into the house. I paid the utilities this month and figured that was fair all things considered. So today I finally called him to say hey, we need to talk about what the plan is for when I leave as far as the utilities that you are supposed to be paying and haven't mentioned since I've been here. He had also asked last week if I was taking Sadie with me. Umm, no I thought that we had established that as a reason for you to continue getting pretty cheap rent for a furnished house. So it seems we pretty much got that worked out as far as utilities go. Then he mentioned what was the rent for the month of June. When I told him he wanted to know if this was in addition to the money he had sent in May that was extra he sent me since he had it and had been intended for June. Well, yes that had been the plan. Even if the extra had been for June (which he never said that's what it was) that extra along with the usual amount that I had asked for would equal the new amount I had told him that I needed. So here I am feeling like I'm asking too much for the month of June and feeling bad and like I should offer to let him have June for just another hundred. And I'm pissed at myself again for feeling the need to please, to make someone else happy, in spite of what my needs are. When he stopped by the house tonight it took all I could do to make myself shut the hell up and not offer to pay him or something. I hate this pathological need to please everyone else. Makes me nuts.
On a somewhat happier note (yeah right not like it's going to do me any good) if my body is on track and it usually is, ovulation should be in the next day or two. I'm trying not to think about how much I wish I could get my hands on some sperm and where I could get my hands on some and telling myself it wouldn't make a damn bit of difference anyways.

Go...Go...Go...

Yup, that's me the last few days. I can't say I've accomplished a lot but I have had fun. I've been trying to get out and see friends and all that. Yesterday I took my friend to have a pedicure for her birthday and she loved it. We had a lot of fun together. Then today I had lunch with house sitters significant other who was my real estate agent and became my friend, introduced me to house sitter last year. It was nice getting to visit with her and I got some information that made me really look at everything. I feel like I have more decisions to make but then I also feel as if I've made them and just need to carry them out.
I mentioned the other day that I felt a bit weird at the thought of someone else using my stuff in my house. I know this is what I had started at the beginning but there were some things I didn't consider and it has been a very odd thought of someone else in my house. Especially the idea of someone else's certain activities in my bed, activities which I've never even gotten to do there. Kinda grosses me out. A lot. However the idea of renting my house outright to strangers who may trash my house or drastically alter things isn't my favorite idea either. At least with house sitter, I know he's taking care of things. I've also known all along that I would really much rather just sell my house instead of renting or having anyone live there. So after talking to K today I have decided I think that I'm going to list my house. According to her things are selling in the area and I would most likely get more than I thought out of it. I figure I can list it and see what happens. If it doesn't sell, I'm not any worse off than I was before. If it does, than I'm better off. I would really rather not have a house payment and a rent payment. I also don't know when/if I am coming home and it would be nice to not have that much money going out. Worth it to at least try I think. So I have a few small things that need to be done before I can list it but I think this is the direction I'm heading. It really sort of feels like a relief. I love my house for just myself but it is smaller than what I wanted. Plus with me being gone long term, just worrying about what to fix, what's happening etc has been stressful. If it sold, that would be one less thing to worry about.
Otherwise my week has went fairly well. I am pretty sure I have an apartment in Sac and I do have a lot of stuff packed up, I just need to get busy with actually getting it out to the garage. I need to go through a few more things and finish figuring out what all will go back to Ca with me. Now I have plans to meet a few more people in the next few days and am excited about that.

A Funny and A Meme

Ok so I changed up the funny that many have likely seen before but I couldn't resist changing it a bit or sharing. Hope you get a chuckle.

IVF Cycle Jewelry

My husband unhappy with my mood swings,he bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green and when I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big fu*kin' red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

And now for the 4 things meme (which I will probably change a bit too, I know I'm not much of a follow the rules type of girl).

4 Things I did 10 years ago (oh God my memory may not be that good)

1. Sat around and cried a lot (this was way before Vitamin P)

2. Was trying to do the church thing to make my mom happy.

3. Went to phlebotomy school (ooh what fun, needles and poking people)

4. Filed bankruptcy.

Obviously this really wasn't my best year.

4 things I did 5 years ago

1. I started Nursing school!!

2. I moved into a super cute little rental house where I lived for 3 years which was like some kind of record for me. (or maybe this was 6 years ago, memory it's the first thing to go right?)

3. I went to Las Vegas for the first time ever (it was so cool, except that it was really hot, like 110 or something).

4. I bought a swing for my yard and I would go out there in the evening and sit lay there and watch the stars. I also planted a bunch of flowers at my rental (I drove by today and they are still blooming).

4 things I did yesterday

1. Had a fantastic dinner at my friends house. She made my favorite, fried chicken and mashed potatoes and gravy. Yumm.

2. Watched 2 and a half men.

3. Played on my computer.

4. Made a doctors appointment.

sort of a slow day.

4 shows I like (only 4???)

1. NCIS (season finale tonight and I have this bad feeling that they are going to kill someone off which pisses me off.)

2. CSI (totally pissed off at that season finale with the murder of my favorite character)

3. ER (yup pissed at this one too, what's with killing people off at the end of the season, do the writers still not have all the strike stuff out of their system??)

4. Law and Order SVU (totally missed that season finale and maybe this was for the best?)

4 things I like to do

1. Read books, almost any kind but N0ra R0berts is like mind candy to me.

2. Craft stuff. Rubber stamping, scrapbooking and am trying to do quilting.

3. Spend time with friends

4. play on my computer

And that's annoying. I've went in and put spaces in between catagories now twice and blogger keeps taking them away.

Thanks

Thank you everyone for getting me and my mood last night. I just feel lately like I'm constantly on the verge of tears and it's making me crazy. Part of that is the lack of vitamin P in my life but I hate to get myself back on my med if I'm just going to go back off it again in a month. Because I still have this theory that I can maybe manage a pregnancy (should I ever manage to get and stay pregnant) without my little happy pills. But yet without I feel this almost constant feeling of teetering on the edge. Sucks. Big time.
It's also a bit strange being home. When I'm in California I love it there, especially San*ta Bar*bara and would love to find a way to stay there and never have to see snow again unless I chose to. Then I come home and am reminded about what I love about home the other 8-9 months of the year. Plus the whole thing of what I want to do about my house. Don't get me wrong, I have it mostly figured out but then I start to question myself. For now it's looking as if house sitter will be staying here, getting a room mate so that between the 2 of them they can pay me more and pay the utilities. I am for the most part ok about this. It saves me packing up my entire house and putting it in storage and repainting my fabulous navy blue wall in the living room and my caramel walls in my bedroom etc. He doesn't care about the walls and such. However my stuff is all here and in all honesty the idea of someone else using my stuff is a bit strange. It's not that I'm upset with him but it's a very weird feeling. And I miss my stuff. I miss using my dishes that I love and my cookware and all that. Yes I am aware it's just stuff and it's not the most important thing but it's the stuff that made my house feel like home. I've spent the last year feeling like I was living in a hotel or something since other than my TV I bought the cheapest and most portable things I could find. I do plan to take a few things back to California with me to help feel more at home etc. And yes I know that I could just give up the travel nursing thing and come home but it would also pretty much mean giving up TTC. Because I would have the income to use and what I could continue to do would be greatly limited without going into debt and having debt as a single mom isn't the best choice for me. So I keep going. But sometimes I wonder how long it will last, especially when I'm at home.
For now I'm getting out and getting together with friends. I'm having fun. Of course I need to start packing up this second bedroom pretty soon here or there will be no space for a room mate.

Anyone Else

So I'm feeling a bit moody or something. Or maybe bitchy is the more appropriate word.
Is it just me or is anyone else sick of hearing about super fertile stars who have tons of money too. It's not that I begrudge them (her) or anyone the fertility or having babies or having tons of money and being able to go through multiple foreign adoptions with what seems like complete ease. It's just that I'm envious that not only is the adoption thing totally within their reach but having children just by having sex seems to be pretty easy too. Then in talking to a friend last night he told me about his neighbor who was drunk and passed out in the front yard and he had to help her in (me I would have left her drunk ass there) and then mentioned her kids. She has 2. And what a lovely environment for them to grow up in with mom doing this on a daily basis. Why can someone like that have children and yet there are so many of us that are trying so freaking desperately to have children. Which then leads me to the thought that all I can figure is that God is just sitting back and watching the world go by because if he's actually taking part in all this, I'd like to know where. Yes, I'm back to being a bit annoyed with God these days too. I know no one ever promised life would be fair but come on. This sucks. I suppose this is a bit of a pity party. I feel like the things I've wanted all my life are forever out of reach.

Home

I made it. I'm home. And when I'm away for quite a while I'm always surprised at home comfortable it seems. The drive was so long. I hate that part. Today I so did not want to be in the car. I'm sick to my stomach from all the snack junk I've eaten in the last few days. I'm also tired. And my feet are so puffy from spending so much time sitting in the car. Yuck. I'm going to sleep tonight and tomorrow get started on all the things I have to get done in the next week. Hope everyone is having a good weekend.

Long Drive

So today was the sort of pretty/fascinating part of my drive. The highway runs along a line of dormant volcano's many of which can be seen and are beautiful. I did skip the trip up to Crater lake today because I did it 2 years ago at this time of the year and much of the road was still closed because of snow. Also because I was tired of being in the car and didn't want to add another 2 hours to my trip. I love Bend and should make it a point to come back here some time and stay for a weekend or something. I may also leave a little later tomorrow and go back up to some lava fields and look around a bit. The girls are doing wonderful in the car. Sara cries a bit when we first get in and sometimes when we stop but Luna has been wonderful. With the exception that she wants to come sit on me. I wouldn't mind her on my lap if she would be still but no, she wants to sit on my boobs. And they aren't that big to provide a shelf space to sit on. Which gets her tossed back into the back seat. Where she actually seems to stay pretty well. They do so well though for cats. So I'll be home tomorrow. And someone asked if I was moving home, nope. Just packing up some of my stuff so J can get a roommate. Plus just some time at home to spend with some friends. Now I think I'll go to bed and see if I can get rid of my headache.

Man It's Hot Here

So I made it to Sacramento today. And was it hot. It has cooled off quite nicely though as promised. A lot going on in the last few days. But then as any of you who read my blog know, my life is rarely ever boring. First off, I have a job. With the new recruiter who was trying to get me to sign. Old recruiter last week submitted me, when I called him yesterday he wanted to know if the facility had called me as he was under the understanding they were planning to. Here we are 2 days later and no call from them. However I had spoken to new recruiter on Mon and said start submitting me. Tuesday evening someone called to interview me and I was in the shower. I stood there dripping all over and asked if we could postpone and she said she would call me back later. She called yesterday, explained the facility to me and while it's not quite what I would have hoped for, I accepted on the thought that it's only 13 weeks and then if it's miserable I can move on. So, job taken care of in a matter of days. This is a plus. The uhaul finally worked out after threatening e-mails. They wanted me to drive like 50 miles to pick up my trailer. They miraculously found one the day I was to leave in SB. As the guy was hooking it up I kept saying how it looked bigger than the last one, I believe I mentioned 4x8 as the size several times. The guy said nope, it's the same. Turns out it wasn't. It was a 5x8 which my car had a little harder time pulling. It did it fine but it really slowed me down a lot on the hills. Good to know though it will work. Trailer is unload (in 98 degree weather, Yuck) and trailer is now gone and scooby feels so free without all that weight holding her back. Yes I've named my car.
The whole week has been crazy. I didn't sleep hardly at all for the 3 days I worked. I couldn't shut my brain off long enough to sleep. I almost murdered the U*P*S man who stood outside my open window knocking on the door next door and hollering "hello, it's U*P*S*" a short hour after I went to sleep, thus waking the cats and sending them into play mode and prevented me from sleeping even longer. Oh and the best story of my crazy time the last few days. I had packed up my suitcase and zipped it up, set it on the floor, getting ready to take it out to the car to load up. I noticed a minute or so later that I heard a noise. A strange noise but one that seemed vaguely familiar. I looked and looked around. Finally it hit me what the noise was. My special friend Bob in my suitcase had his buttons pushed and got turned on. Oh boy. Can you imagine if it was at the damn airport. I laughed so hard, then had to call my friend and tell her about it and we laughed some more. So tomorrow I'm off again to B*end Oreg0n and then on Saturday all the way home. The girls are traveling well as usual. It amazes me how well they do in the car for cats. I have some avocados to take home that I picked out of the tree that hung over the parking lot and am hoping to stop and pick up some good strawberries. Now if I can just fight off this sore throat that is trying to happen all will be good.
Oh and pepper and deena, I will get to that meme eventually.

4 Days and Counting

Wow, time is flying fast. I leave here in 4 days. I went down to the beach today and was sad. Sad that I'm leaving this fantastic place even though it really feels like this is what I need to do in my quest for a baby. I have most everything packed. I can't pack the toaster, microwave or toiletries until like Wed right before I load it all in the car. I need to borrow a vacuum from someone so I can clean up in here. I'm hoping all of this fits in my trailer that I've rented. It should. I haven't really bought much new stuff. I'm ready to go though mostly. I would pack up my TV tonight but I think that Tuesday night is the season finale of N*C*I*S, it definitely is for Law *Order S*V*U and I hate to miss those. So I guess I leave it out until Wed. morning so I can watch it all when I get home. I'm taking my lap top home with me but don't know how much I will be signing on while on the road. I figure it's going to take 3 days to drive it. One day to Sac and I will stop for the night there, partially because I have to unload the trailer there which reminds me that I need to find a storage unit there to store my belongings for a couple of weeks. Then one day to Re*dm0nd, 0reg0n which is usually where I stop to stay the night. Then on to home. I could possibly do it in 2 but I really hate to spend 10+ hours a day driving. So 3 days it is. The hotels part is sometimes tricky with the cats but I've always managed.
This week I was so tired. Thursday morning when I posted I didn't get to bed until 10:30 and then that evening the first 4 hours of my shift were cancelled but I was called in at 11pm. Basically I dislike working 3 nights in a row, and I'm back to it tonight. So not sure when I will post although I did figure out how to check out blogs from work.

I'm Rich

Yeah, not really. It was however a nice surprise to log in and find my tax rebate has been deposited in my account. At least until I think about the IRS knowing way to much about me. Then the upside is that I don't have to worry about an actual check finding me.
Things are moving along here. I'm not staying in SB although I do have the option of coming back if I wish to. I talked to current recruiter this morning and then I spoke with his boss about the whole thing. I don't think the delay is coming from him. I think it's from somewhere else. He is now working extra hard to find me a contract in Sacr*amento as is the other agency I started working with. I'll see what happens. The funny or not so funny thing is that I haven't been particularly stressed out about the whole moving thing but the talking to T and his boss and telling them my complaints had me shaking and so tense I could hardly move my shoulders. Have I mentioned that I dislike confrontation??? I do. Intensely. So I'm back to work tonight although I am so tired its not even funny. Hopefully I will post more Saturday when I'm off, then you may not hear from me for a couple of days as I will be finishing up here, packing and getting on the road.

Antsy

So I'm getting to that point of having a hard time falling asleep. My mind won't stop. It just goes and goes and goes. I'm excited to take my next step, whatever that is. To Sacra*mento or wherever. In TTC. It's funny, a month or so ago I was still really ambivalent about trying. Not sure I was ready to jump back in the deep end. All of the sudden, I'm ready. I want to try NOW! Of course I'm several days past ovulation but maybe that is what is bringing this on. In the past I've never really had any of the ovulation symptoms unless I was medicated. Other than CM. I've always had really good CM which led me to believe I was in fact ovulating but nothing else. Even when I was temping my charts were sort of not very clear. I think I only had one month where my chart did actually show clearly I ovulated. I don't remember ever having the sore boobs or any of the other stuff. This month I didn't have the CM but I had actual ovulation cramping and my boobs hurt like nobody's business. I find myself wishing I had had some sperm to throw up there last weekend. Or that I could get my hands on some next month. The boobs thing is driving me nuts though. See when I sit at my computer on or the other of my cats will come over to sit with me, usually want to climb in between me and the computer, like half sitting on my or more specifically my boobs. And they frequently step on my nipples. Which makes me want to launch them across the room. I know that they can't help it and totally don't understand that stepping on my nipple is a bad thing but damn that hurts. Hmm. I wonder if I could get some sperm for next month. Probably not but hmm.
In other work news, I still have nothing. I e-mailed my current recruiter on Monday saying "hey I need to know what is going on" and I have still received nothing back from him. Not even an acknowledgement. I have not spoke with the nurse manager of the float pool from work yet but will try to talk to her tomorrow. I feel a bit guilty as I had said I would stay, they trained me for mother infant because I was staying and now it's looking like I'm not staying. I feel guilty because last week I could have really gotten pushy with the whole thing with my recruiter to continue to work on staying here and yet I didn't. I was feeling frustrated with the not getting paid for a day that I was cancelled and with the whole living situation here where rent is so damn expensive and deposits are crazy. I feel a bit like I backed out on what I said I would do however the fact remains that if my recruiter had been on top of things and gotten a contract done right away and signed, we wouldn't be dealing with this. I'd already be signed on to stay. I could have done more but I am sick and tired of having to be the one to take care of everything and push everyone else to do their freaking job. And I feel like with current recruiter that I have to push them to do their job. And maybe I shouldn't be saying all of this on my blog since there is a small chance T my recruiter reads this. I will say though. T, on the off chance you do read my blog, I'm sorry to "bash" you. I like working with you for the most part but I'm feeling a bit neglected and frustrated here by the lack of communication.

Date Night

Well, it went pretty good. And by the end of the night I finally figured out his name. He called me right before he got to the restaurant and I tried the "who is this" but it didn't work because I either couldn't understand or didn't hear what he said. He does have an accent so it could have been either. When he got there we sat and visited and he was nice to visit with. I admit to spending most of the day feeling like I didn't want to do this and thinking up all sorts of things that would make me not like him. I was surprised by how much I enjoyed visiting with him. After dinner we went for a short walk on the beach (restaurant was on the beach). He kept talking about coming back to my apartment. I mentioned that my house was a mess and he kept saying it was ok. I finally got the point across that he really wasn't going to see my apartment so he invited me over to his. I finally just said I was sorry and I really needed to go home and get some stuff done. I told him that if I stayed in SB I would like to get together again. He asked if I had his phone number and I got out a piece of paper and pen and said here, write it down which he did, as an after thought adding his name (THANK GOD!), it's A*r0n. Sorry JP, doesn't even start with a T. Oops. Then after a great evening, as we were leaving he finally mentioned that he was hoping we could spend the night together. Umm. NO.
Which leaves me wondering many things. First off, is this all men want in a date or is it me and they think "hey she's fat and will give it up easy because she will never get any otherwise". Also I'm not a prude and I like sex but I haven't had anyone in years that has made me think I was willing to jump in to bed after one date. Granted yes I've thought about it. Thought about how it still wouldn't make me a slut and all and there are times when I've wished I could just because I'm horny. And many people did this in their 20's and I didn't. But I'm not in my 20's and as much as I wish sometimes I could allow myself to just have no strings attached sex, when the opportunity comes around I can't get myself to follow through. But yet I really don't feel like I'm looking for a relationship right now either.
Anyways, nice enough evening. A little annoying at the end. But good for the most part. Now to pack some more. Yeah right. I manage to get a couple boxes at a time packed. So much of what's left needs to be packed at the last minute.

Gone

Well, the cramping etc are totally gone. Nothing. Zilch. Zip. Nada (I have a cousin named Nada). No twinges or anything. Go figure. So I'm betting that this was ovulation and I just felt it for the first time ever without medications. I have no idea if the cyst is still there or not. I admit that I haven't called the doctor. I just don't know where I would fit all that in too.
Date night is tomorrow night and no, I still don't know what his name is in spite of a plan by JP which while goofy was a good idea although it still didn't work. Oh well. I guess I'm just going to wing it.
So much going on with all the packing stuff etc. Several of you have commented on how hectic my life seems and yes it is. And yes I do sometimes whine about it a bit. Funny thing is though that I don't really mind it much. I mean yes there are bits and pieces that drive me nuts like the actual picking up and moving. But I really like the adventure part of it. I like going new places and starting over with new apartments etc. It's kind of like getting do overs. That said I may be leaving for Sac*rament0 next week. I have this feeling that my current agency has dicked around long enough on this that the hospital has started looking to replace me. So I've started looking for a new agency. I've filled out a large part of the paperwork with an agency that is actually in California and states that they consistently have contracts for Sac*rament0. I'm giving current agency until the end of the week to come up with something and then we'll see. So one way or another things will all go the way they should, which ever way that is. If I leave here though I will really miss it. I like it here so much.
So I went to walk on the beach today and then took a drive around town. I'm driving down the road and see this guy on one of those funny looking bicycles kind of like this and I was sort of laughing a bit but then I noticed it was one of our doctors(resident) from the hospital. The one who is really cute. I tried to go back and take his picture but I couldn't find him again. Darn.
Oh and in other fun things: my favorite Bil*ly Ray Cy*rus is going to be in Houston on Aug. 23. Girls I think I want to come visit.

Weird

So the last few days I've been having some twinges in the general area of my left ovary. You know, my friend, the one that had a 7cm cyst back in February? Yeah, that one. Basically leaving me thinking that they damn cyst is still there although I tried to tell myself it was close to ovulation time. It is I think. I forgot to write down my period last month but I'm pretty sure the timing is right for ovulation although I've had no CM etc to indicate that is in fact happening. So then last night at work all of the sudden I start getting bad cramping again on the left side, region of my ovary. Shit. I have no idea what this means. It was bad for several hours to the point of being painful to walk. Better now but still a "feeling" there. So now I'm thinking for sure that the freaking thing is still there. I'm waiting to see how I feel today but I think I need to call the doctor again. The things that I'm wondering is she had mentioned that if it was still there in June (when she wanted to see me back) that it would probably end up being surgery for me to find out what was going on. So now with me thinking that it's still there and that surgery may end up being an option although an option I don't like, it would be way better to have it done in May when I actually have time off work. In June I will just be starting back to work on a new contract and not really able to take much time off although I have no idea how much time off I would need. I don't know if the surgery would be similar to an appendectomy which kind of knocked me on my butt for a while. All I know is that I never really had pain like that unless I was on meds and cycling and I know I'm not right now.

Cancelled Again

So the hospital cancelled my shift again last night. Nice to have a night off and hopefully no problems with pay. I don't think there will be as there has never been a problem with the nights where I am outright cancelled, just if I asked to be cancelled or was sent home early. My paycheck for last week was normal so I guess all that got worked out. However a couple of things have come to my attention. First off, even though I let my agency know back at the first of April (1 month ago) that I was wanting to stay here, it seems as if I still don't have a contract to stay here. I am annoyed. So far every contract I've had, when it's coming down to the end of the contract I tell them what I want to do and they fiddle fart around until the VERY last minute, most of the time past the end of the contract. They tell me that everything is taken care of, that it's all done and it really isn't. Then I'm left at the very end possibly looking for something else because they screwed around too long. I think that may be the case again. I noticed the other day when I was e-mailing my supervisor at work about the time card thing for last week (which my recruiter e-mailed me and said he "thought" it was worked out but no explanation further) that I had an e-mail about my extending. I didn't pay much attention to it because I have spoke with supervisor about the extending thing before and I thought it was taken care of. Then today I log into my work e-mail again to see if there are any updates from her on the time card thing and notice that there is a date on it, that they need to know by May 1st. Which was yesterday. Which means that they probably don't have the extension yet and have possibly started looking for someone to replace me. This leaves me wondering if this is a totally sucky thing or if it maybe is a good thing. And I'm torn. I love the area here. It's beautiful, I love the weather. I was considering buying a year pass to Dis*ney*land since I'm fairly close. The hospital is ok, good points and bad points. The housing situation sucks. I liked the apartment I found in Ven*tura but not the commute which is 40 miles each way with gas ringing in at $4 a gallon. I have been looking for possibly a different apartment in SB but haven't liked what I've found. Most allow no pets. The ones that do are either so gross I wouldn't want to live there or they want insane deposits. I spoke with a lady the other day who literally wanted $4500 for move in. WTF?? Who has that kind of money for renting a one bedroom apartment. That along with the frequent cancellations at work along with the issues with my agency has me thinking of changing things up some. I like my recruiter, I think he's a nice guy and all but I'm tired of the BS. I e-mail him with questions and he will e-mail me back with a partial answer and then I don't hear anything else from him. Like I e-mailed him last night about the cancellation and asking about the contract being extended and he e-mailed me back about the cancellation but said nothing else about the rest of it. I don't know if others have this problem with their agencies or not but it's getting old quickly. And I have a fairly short amount of time to decide now what to do. And the idea of leaving here makes me sad but the reality of the whole matter is that part of why I wanted to stay was to see if there was any way I could manage to stay here permanently and realistically I don't think there is. Because I want to have a house, not an apartment and buying here is very unlikely. And for so many reasons moving on would be easier. But I will miss it here so much. I also know though that the money is better elsewhere and I would have an RE in much closer driving distance. Not to mention cheaper rent. So right now I'm packing my apartment up once again not knowing where I will be moving to. A bit crazy but it mostly works. The down side is that I have no space here to put the boxes I pack up as the place is so small. I work tomorrow night, then have 3 nights in a row off. After that I only have 1 night off before I leave for home. Yikes.
Oh, and the guy called. We are meeting at a restaurant for dinner next week. He wanted to have me come to his house which I'm really not so sure about. Anyways the really crazy part?? I still don't freaking know his name. I couldn't figure out how to ask!!!!!!!