Busy Week

Well, it's been a very busy week with moving, work etc. Work has been crazy busy. And there is a unit secretary that last night I decided was a heartless witch but that's another story which is probably better dropped. Things seem to be going fine with the new apartment. I did get an e-mail today from my agent with the company I work for saying that since I left the motel earlier than the 13 weeks, my rate for the days I stayed there will be more than the original 50 dollars a day. Great. Oh well, it's done and nothing I can do to fix it now.
My body seems to be doing strange things. Usually my CM shows up on day 10 or 11 of my cycle and I think I am CD 13 today and it finally just showed up. I didn't think I was that stressed. I hadn't realized what CD I was since I'm not temping (can't ever remember to anymore and they were so crazy up and down anyways), plus I haven't been very good at remembering to turn my CBFM on lately. As a matter of fact, I've been so bad at it that last month I never got a peak and so far this month I've only POAS once and it's CD13. Oop's. I'm thinking that maybe buying that wasn't the best use of money. It seems like something that would work great if I had a ready and endless supply of sperm but since I don't, it's basically a really expensive opk.
I've had kind of an interesting last few days. About 2 years ago I sort of gave up on men. I had reached a point where emotionally I couldn't handle being shot down again which is what seems like always happens. Sorry if that sounds whiny but I'm almost 37 and of all the guys I've liked in my life (there have been quite a few) I can think of maybe 2 who have actually made it clear they were interested. Usually the men seem to run. I don't know if it's because I'm just picking the wrong guys (a very good possibility) or if I somehow manage to send out some weird "go away" vibe that I'm unaware of. That is all a different and would be a very long post but anyways. 2 years ago I pretty much gave up. Almost a year ago when I realized that I really wanted to have a baby and that I was going to try to do this on my own, men sort of ceased to exist. That was really odd for me who has spent time virtually every day since I was like 14 thinking about guys, boyfriends, marriage etc to wake up one day and realize that I couldn't remember the last time I had thought about meeting the right guy. Thoughts of baby had taken over. It's been like that now since at least August. Until the last few days. I may have mentioned that the floor I'm working on is the floor that the prisoners go to when they are in the hospital (relax everyone I'm not hot after some prisoner). Well, they all have guards that are with them around the clock. They take shifts. So the last few days I have noticed that a few of these guards are really kind of cute. Then I actually caught myself flirting with several of them. It's interesting to me that this part of my psyche isn't dead but the timing feels inconvenient. I want to start TTC again by July. I don't want to delay that date. I also don't want to actually have a baby with someone unless he is going to be around for the long haul which isn't really something that can or should be determined within the next 2 months. Yes, I know it sounds like I am putting the cart before the horse here and worrying about things before I need to, but I'm not really worried (yet) but am just surprised at myself. Not only haven't I thought about men much the last year, but had reached a point where I no longer felt marriage was what I wanted as I am feeling pretty set in my ways. Now to have that part of my brain wake up again feels like a pain in the hiney. I don't want to go back to spending all my time wanting and dreaming about what I don't have. It's too painful. And yes, I know it's just flirting but I'm trying not to think about it much so that it doesn't become hoping or something even bigger. I don't think I have the energy to deal with the desperate wanting for a baby and a man. Not when both still seem pretty elusive. I guess it's hard to explain (and I may sound a bit loony in this post) to many other than my friend R. who has been with me through years of desperately wanting, dreaming about and striving for something that has never happened and which always compounded my depressive problems, the thought of going back to that desperate wanting is scary. Especially in light of the desperate wanting for a baby.