Happy New Year!!!

Well I hope everyone has had a good New Year's Day. Mine was ok. New Year's Eve was nice. I went to my friends house and we watched movies, chatted and watched the ball drop. Right after midnight she asked what I wanted or hoped for in my New Year. My response? I'd like to get laid. It's been entirely too long since sex didn't require batteries. Yeah, probably TMI but it was good for a laugh and actually seems like something that might be attainable. The other things I think I would like for 2011 is I'd like to do more. I'd like to go more places. Whether it's more sight seeing in California or going other places I don't know. After watching "Letter's To Juliet" last night I'd really love to go to Italy sometime. I don't know if that's in the cards this year though. But there are other places I can go and I would like to work on that. I also want to continue to work on being kinder to myself.

I've noticed that I compare myself to others. A lot. It's sort of funny really since when I was a kid it used to seriously piss me off when my mom would compare me to other kids. My cousins did more helping out around the house (cause my aunt threatened them with their lives) and this kid or that kid from church did more church related stuff etc. I hated that. Yet I seem to compare myself to others way more than I should. The recent ones have been an acquaintance who had weight loss surgery (different procedure) a few months after I did. She's lost more weight than I have and is a smaller size. She also was required to lose some of that weight pre-surgery and really what difference does it make. Other than I fear being one of those people that others talk about failing with this and gaining the weight back. I've also noticed myself comparing myself to a couple of post partum mom's at work. Mom's who were big girls and I've caught myself thinking "They did it, had babies successfully, why couldn't I?" Problem with that is that I don't know and I may never know. I don't know if it was my weight. Or my age. Or just lack of opportunity. Hell who knows. If I had been having sex regularly maybe I could have still managed to hit that one month that I had a good egg and managed one that stuck. I don't know and that has to be ok. Even if I did know it's not like I could go back and change it. So, no New Years resolutions but plans to have more fun and do more and plans to be kinder and gentler with myself. Cause really? I'm sort of fricking amazing.

Merry Christmas!!!

Merry Christmas everyone. Sending many wishes for a beautiful day and many hugs to all!

Sizes

Clothing sizes are seriously strange. Beyond strange. I'm still adjusting to this. For so many years whenever I bought a piece of clothing I simply found the biggest size possible and bought it. Usually it fit although some clothing even in the biggest size was too small. I also remember back when I was in high school. I weighed about 150lbs at the time (which is still 50lbs less than I weigh right now folks) and I usually wore an extra large although once in a while I could get away with a large. Pants were about a size 11 if I remember correctly. These sizes fit although they were a bit snug. Not snug like you see so many girls wearing now but snug. I never would have dreamed though of wearing something that left rolls of fat hanging out from underneath the shirt or something. Anyways, at that time I was about a size 11 and XL. So, here I am 24 (holy shit has it been that long?) or so years later and 200lbs. I'm wearing a size 14 pants and it possibly won't be long before I'm into a 12. I'm also wearing fairly comfortably a size large top in most all things. Today I went to see if I could get a couple pairs of scrub pants and actually was able to wear a medium in a few. Maybe not the most flattering although they didn't look horrible if the top covered my ass but they fit. And in some of those the large was too big. I'm dumb founded. Has my body shape changed that much or have the sizes seriously changed that much? I'm pretty sure when I was about this weight at say 20 I couldn't get into anything less than a size 18 or 20 pants. Now 14 on my way to 12? It's really weird. Also makes it a bit more difficult. Gone are the days where I could just go into a store and pick out the largest item and buy it. No, I'm not complaining. Really. Cause shopping for clothes is soooo much more fun these days than it ever used to be. But I have to try every. single. thing. on. since I have no idea what size I am in various items. I spent a lot of time in the dressing room this morning only to find 2 pairs of pants that fit now and one pair that will probably fit soon (those are the mediums). I came home and pulled all of the 2x stuff and 18/20 stuff out of my closet since it really doesn't fit any more. Also the last few 22/24 items that I had bought last summer and wore a few times if at all. Yes I had several things in the closet that I had NEVER worn. Luckily most all of it was purchased on clearance and cheap. It just seems so mind boggling to me that I can go into virtually any store and purchase a piece of clothing.

This is truly the best thing I have ever done for myself. It hasn't been easy and somedays it still isn't but I am so glad I did it.

Busy Week

I can't for the life of me figure out why I can't seem to get all my Christmas stuff mailed out on time. Every year I tell myself "This year I'll get everything shipped out on time." Every year I manage to not do that. My BFF Christmas gift and birthday gift (her birthday is today) is still sitting in a box on my living room floor. Yes, it's going to be late again this year.

Work has been busy this week which has been nice. Monday night I got to work in the nursery with my preceptor and it was great. A nice boost for my self esteem as I feel like I did pretty darn good. It started off as a mostly calm not too dramatic night but towards the end of the shift we got a baby who needed to be on continuous pulse ox monitoring. So we got him all hooked up, I drew his blood and so on. A bit later all of the sudden babies oxygen started dropping. I jumped in and did what needed to be done and helped out until NICU came to pick him up. I realized later that I had taken care of the problem without freaking out or panicking. I was calm and I knew exactly what needed to be done. It was a nice feeling. I was also able to answer the questions of the nurse who came to pick him up without feeling like an utter idiot. This week I also took care of a fabulous couple who had delivered early. Babies were in the NICU so I didn't care for the babies but I really liked this couple and enjoyed talking to them and helping them. This is what I love about nursing. Feeling like I'm making a difference to someone. One more night (tonight) and then I'm off for 3 nights including Christmas. I don't really have any plans other than to watch movies and read. I hope everyone else has a Merry Christmas or great weekend or whatever.

Hello Again

I feel like I've been hardly posting lately but then when I think about needing to post I often feel like I don't have much to say. Like there hasn't been a lot going on in my life even though I guess there has been a lot going on.

Work is good. I'm liking the new position and my coworkers all seem really nice. I still miss my friends from my old position. I still find myself stopping by the office a couple of mornings a week to say hi to the wonderful ladies I used to work for. Yes, I have noticed a few "twinges" of pain at work when I'm holding someone's baby or something but mostly it's been ok. To some extent that feeling of longing for a baby of my own has returned a bit but it's not overwhelming. Yet anyways. I catch myself fantasizing about having a baby at some unknown point down the road but that's about the extent of it. I also find myself thinking about all the things I still would love to be able to do that would be much easier without children. I still also think of eventually getting back into NICU. I realize that I have things that I'm really good at. Like drawing blood which I did for 5 years before finishing nursing school. When I can help out a coworker and do the blood draw on an infant with minimal distress to the infant it's a really nice feeling. I also like working with the moms though too. For now, I'm in a good place. I'm loving being back to the 12 hour shifts and having 4 days a week off. I'm ok with the night shift again and am doing fine with sleeping during the day. I'm still feeling a bit of sadness at not getting the original position that I wanted in short stay. But as in all things, life goes on.

The weight loss continues to go well. I realize that I likely could be losing quicker if I did things maybe a bit differently but I also realize that I'm happy with where I'm at. I don't feel like I'm depriving myself and yet I'm continuing to lose at a fairly steady pace (although a bit slower pace than what my surgeon would prefer). I'm 2 pounds away from weighing less than 200 pounds. A weight I haven't seen since I was 21 which was a long fucking time ago. I feel better than I have felt in years. Yes I still have some aches and pains but so much less than I used to. My hips and back have been bugging me some lately but I think that it's related to me wearing the shape*ups from Ske*tchers. I also think that if I keep wearing them that my muscles will strengthen and I will eventually be better off for it. My knees on the other hand make me a bit nuts. They have been bugging me lately too. For the first time in YEARS or maybe ever I've been able to do stairs easily. I was a bit giddy with my ability to do several flights and not feel like I needed CPR when I got to the top. Then my knees started protesting. Now I'm back to elevators and feeling disappointed. However the falls I've had over the years (landing on my knees, yes I'm a bit of a klutz) and the years I've spent carting around close to or over 300 pounds have done some damage which isn't going to go away. So to some extent I need to be careful not to cause any further damage and realize that my knees will never be like they were at 21. Such is life.

I also can say that as much as I love to keep up with my friends from blog land I also feel a bit like I'm moving more towards living less of my life online. I don't know if that describes it right though. Mostly I had so many years where most of my friends were those I had met online. I didn't have friends that I spent time with outside of work or my computer. I do now and I'm loving it but I find that I'm tending to not blog as much. I think also that since I started this blog as a TTC blog and since I'm not TTC at this point and don't honestly know what the future holds for that I don't blog as much or as often. Sometimes I feel a little disloyal to all my blog friends who have been such a big part of my life for so long. It's hard to keep up sometimes.

Sadie is doing mostly ok although she is still having break through seizures fairly regularly. It sucks and I worry about her a lot. I still haven't taken her in to have the lumps checked out as I know that the next vet visit will likely be expensive as there are several tests that need to be done. So see, not much happening but yet lots happening.

First Night

Well tonight is my first night of my new position. I'm excited and nervous both. I slept most of the day so I should be fine as far as staying awake goes. I have come to the conclusion though that I really need to get some room darkening curtains. It was pretty light today. Course that was because it was sunny and BEAUTIFUL out. This is the reason I love California. I love a sunny day. There are going to be a few kinks to iron out I think. One, Sadie seems to think that since I'm home I can take her out to potty every 3 hours or so. I don't know if we still have a bladder infection thing going on but she seems to potty a lot. I worry too about her being alone for 13+ hours too. It's an awfully long time for her to go without being able to go outside. Oh how I miss having a yard.

I also don't know how my eating plan or meal plan or whatever is going to be affected by the change to nights. In the past when I worked nights I would come home from work and eat and then go to bed. Hell I ate all the time. Now I try not to eat and then crawl into bed. So I'm guessing that I will either come home and have nothing or if I'm hungry come home and have a protein shake maybe. Not a coffee one though. I also have mostly not "eaten" breakfast most days since surgery. I'll have a coffee protein shake usually and often don't really eat before going to work. Now I think I need to eat something before I go to work. Then I'm figuring something in the night for "lunch". I guess we'll see how it goes. In the past I also never really got much exercise on the days I worked but being in an apartment with no yard it is sort of not an option to not take Sadie for a walk. It's all a work in progress like always.

Over the weekend I read a most fabulous book. It's called "The Forgotten Garden" and the link is over there on my side bar. It was really a good book. There were some references to infertility in it that were pretty well done and the story kept me reading until the very end.

Now I suppose I should work on getting ready for work.

So Sad

Please go leave your thoughts with Paige right now. I'm so sorry for your loss honey and my thoughts are with you.

New Adventures

So next week starts my new adventure at work. I finished up my last day in the preop area yesterday and it was a bit sad. I've struggled the last couple of weeks with feeling sad and a little angry over the idea that none of management made any effort to keep me in surgical services. There was a 12 hour shift posted back in July that I applied for and talked to several different managers about how I wanted that position. However with the big changes in management that we've had over the last 6 months or so and the fact that we have an interim manager it has all sort of gotten pushed to the side. In addition to that the only manager who is still there is the one I used to worked under when I was in that horrible position and the one who I expected to do her job and do something about her nurses that were bullies and harrassing me. I'm guessing that what she had to say about me wasn't great. So it had been made clear that I likely wouldn't get the position I wanted and I started applying elsewhere. Once I had the job in post partum I got a lot of comments from my coworkers who don't want me to leave which sort of reinforced for me that it was specifically the one manager who was influencing me not getting the first position I applied for. Basically it all left me feeling sort of bad. That said, it's all done now. Tuesday I start in my new area and I want to start with a good attitude and give this my all. I'm excited that the department I'm going to is excited to be getting me and am looking forward to doing something new.

I'm also sort of hoping that maybe I can sort of get my "baby fix" working in post partum. I'm not sure where I'm at with TTC. Last week I felt like maybe I was ready to be done trying. I still want to be a mom but realistically I can't imagine putting more money into it. There are other factors as well. Things such as knowing that I'm 40 and how old I will be when my child would be grown, my chances of a spontaneous pregnancy (with no man or intervention hahaha!), and strangely how much the idea of any amount of weight gain freaks me the hell out. Then this week talking with my friend who is pregnant about names for her baby made me feel sad about how I'll likely never get to use the names I had picked out. I just feel so back and forth with it all. I do still have the single lone vial of spermies up in Sacramento but that will be a home insemination (as I don't really have a doctor anymore) and lets face it, the chances of that working or so fucking slim it's not even funny. So I feel like I'm slowly letting go of things. This week I went through all the boy stuff I had bought over the last few years of TTC and gave most of it to the friend who's pregnant. She was excited to get it all as she didn't have much and it will get used instead of sitting in a drawer for several more years. Besides lets be real. Should I ever manage to have a baby it's not like I won't buy more stuff. Some of the girl things will be a bit harder to get rid of. It's a work in progress though.

Oh and speaking of weight loss and gain? This week I finally hit 100 pounds lost. On Wednesday I weighed 206 which is 100.5 pounds off since surgery on April 21st. Plus I'm only 7 pounds away from being under 200 pounds! Yes I know I need to post some pictures I just haven't had anyone take any lately. I will soon though.

Last night while petting Sadie I found a largish lump in her abdomen. That has me sort of freaked out a bit. It's about the size of a golf ball and while I'm not a veterinarian or anything I'm pretty sure that lumps are almost never a good thing. That along with the fact that Luna has been coughing a lot more lately which is a sign that her heart maybe getting worse and that she could be going into heart failure have me freaked out a little. Both over the idea of the potential vet bills and the idea of losing all of my fur babies at once. So next week I will hopefully have some money left after paying my bills for yet another vet visit.

Great Thanksgiving

I had a great time in Washington for Thanksgiving. In spite of the snow and cold and worry over my dog. Everything was fine though so the worry was pretty much for nothing. It was very cold and snowy there which didn't thrill me but I had such a great time getting to visit with everyone. I really made more of an effort this time to get together with people that I don't see as frequently as I would like to which was nice. Spending the holidays with my chosen family is pretty great too. The cats did fine while I was gone although they were sure happy to see me when I got home and Sadie did pretty good too. I guess she had one seizure while I was gone but seems fine and I was really pleased and impressed with the kennel. I will definitely use them again. I have so many thoughts bouncing around in my head right now and things I want to "talk" out but I'm totally beat and really need to try to get some sleep. Plus Luna is trying to work her head under my hand so I will pet her which makes it awfully hard to type. So I will try to post again this weekend.

So Behind

Still, again, something. Heck I was caught up for a day or so. The last week has been busy with trying to get things ready for my trip. I realized I didn't have any shoes that weren't clogs or sandals but thought I would be ok since there isn't always snow yet. Mother nature of course had other ideas. It's supposed to be a high of 10 degrees tomorrow when I get to Spokane. Ugg. So I made an Old Navy run and bought some cheapy boots for the trip. I have a coat that was given to me by a friend and I think I'll be ok. Not really looking forward to the cold though.

Turns out Sadie isn't going with me. The airlines isn't flying animals this week. So I found a place to board her and took her there tonight. I felt horrible doing it. I'm afraid she will think I left her forever or that she'll have more seizures. She had another one last night which ended up not being too bad but still freaked me out. The kennel place seemed pretty nice though and she had a good sized dog run for her stay there with her bed and food dishes etc. I even left her some of my dirty socks as it's something that will smell like me. Yes, I'm probably pathetic but I felt horrible leaving her. The cats will be taken care of by a friend who can stop by daily and medicate them and I'm excited to be going home. Even if it is colder than hell there. I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving and maybe by the time I come home I'll be all caught up again. Or maybe not. It's hard to say.

Busy Busy

Yes, it's been another busy week. Almost over and then I work 2 days next week and leave for Washington! And Sadie isn't going with me. Turns out that around the holiday the airline doesn't let any animals fly. So I'm back to the whole boarding idea which I don't love but it seems to be the only option at this time. I have a lot to do in between now and next Tuesday night too. Things for getting ready for my trip. I need to start packing my office stuff up at work and bringing it home.

Oops

Wow, I didn't realize it had been that long since I posted. Last week was a pretty busy week. I'm guessing this week will be also. Work has been busy and there has been a lot going on. I got my plane ticket for my trip home and of course I paid more for it than I hoped to. I had looked last Wednesday and it was significantly cheaper to fly out of Sacramento but I was still suffering from indecision and procrastinated. Thursday morning I went to buy my ticket and the price had went up about $80 which meant it was no longer cost effective to fly out of Sacramento. I guess that is a good thing but I had hoped to avoid paying as much as I did for my ticket. Partly because of another dilemma. I'm trying to figure out what to do with Sadie. I can't leave her hear in the apartment with just someone coming in to walk her as there is no yard etc. I can't really leave her with anyone either as most of the people who would be willing to consider it also have dogs and guess what, she doesn't like other dogs. She really doesn't like other dogs. So I started looking into boarding her which I hate to do but it seemed like the best option. My opinion at this point is maybe I should open my own dog boarding business cause that is seriously expensive. As in about the same as what it would cost for me to fly her to Washington with me. So, it looks like I'm taking her with me. I'm a little nervous about it but I still have plenty of left over valium and she's going to be with me. Or mostly with me. She'll be staying with D while I stay at his mom's but I think it will all still work out well. So it's all costing me more than I thought or hoped it would. I am very excited about my trip though. It will be nice to be home for the holiday although I'm considering the fact that I just might freeze my ass off while I'm there. Yeah, I'm pretty much cold all the time anymore.

Work as usual has been full of drama. Not sure where it's going or if it's going anywhere. I'm not sure what I want to happen either and it's way more than I want to think about now. It's actually been nice not thinking about it over the weekend.

I've done some reading this weekend, a little shopping and some cooking. Today I made 2 different kinds of meat loaves for the coming 2 weeks. I kept a few out and froze the rest. Then I can come home and take them out and warm them up. That works so much better for me than trying to come home and actually cook something. I also made some fabulous guacamole. Oh my do I love it. I kept some out for this week and froze the rest of that too. Some yogurt dip for apples also to top it all off. I did laundry and even cleaned the bathroom. Managed to walk the dog twice a day and still read books. So, basically an all around great weekend. I can't wait to be having more days off a week!

Outside Looking In

Sometimes I feel like I'm on the outside of what my life was supposed to be, looking in and feeling like none of it measures up so well. I was supposed to be a wife and mother with a mini van, several kids, dogs, cats etc. Some days I'm not sure how I got here. Here being 40. 40, single, and my only children my furbabies. In my mind I can picture how my life was supposed to be. A loving husband who treats me fabulous, my kids whom I have fun with, play with and experience all the things in life that I sometimes feel like I missed out on as a child. I picture not making my mom's mistakes. Loving my children unconditionally and forever no matter what they do or don't do. Every day I catch myself in my mind thinking of the names I had picked for my someday babies.

There are times though that I can stop myself and force myself to take a step back and look at what those pictures in my mind truly are. In those pictures the someday babies are never older than say 2 or 3, are well behaved and rarely fussy, temper tantrum throwing typical children. The pictures I imagine are just the surface pictures. They don't contain crabby drama craving teenagers, defiant pre-teens or anything else negative. It's always picture perfect that picture in my mind. I have enough friends with children (most of my friends have teenagers or grown children) that I often see the true picture of parenting and I know that the picture in my mind is skewed at best and completely unrealistic for the most part. When taking that step back and looking at the reality, I often find myself wondering why I even want that. Hell, I've got it good. I can do whatever I want with my time and money and let's face it, it's way easier finding a sitter for your dog than your 2 year old.

I know that the reality of it all is somewhere in between the picture in my mind and the drama I see my friends going through with their children. I know like a teeter-totter that reality will rock back and forth, sometimes falling nearer to the picture in my mind and sometimes falling much nearer to a reality TV show in the making. I also know that sometimes I truly don't know what I want or what to wish for. Sometimes I can't imagine not having children and other times I can't for the life of me imagine how I can raise children when I barely manage to take care of my animals. Yes, I know that as a parent you find a balance. You find ways of making it work. I also know that should I ever reach that point of being a parent I will somehow find a way. Yet sometimes I also feel like I am so close to deciding to live child free. To deciding to give up the time, effort and associated heartache of chasing after something I may never have. But is that letting go because I want to or is it letting go because it's less painful. I really don't know the answer to that.

Yay!!!

I finally managed to work it out so that I have the days off I need for Thanksgiving!! Now hopefully the price of the plane ticket doesn't increase too much by next Thursday (when I get paid again) and I can get my ticket somewhat reasonably priced. It took a bit of manipulating on my part which I feel a little bit bad about but not really a lot bad about. I did request it off quite a while ago and gave them ample time to find someone else to work it and I'm only taking the Wednesday before and the Monday after off. I already have the Thursday through Sunday off. So, I get to go home!!

Other great news? I got a new position at work! I've been looking for a couple of months now since I hit one year in my current position. It was a bit of a hard decision as I LOVE the people I work with and that's huge after spending close to a year in a seriously hostile work environment. However as much as I love my co-workers the job is really rather boring and I haven't loved the hours. I never wanted to go to 8 hour shifts and working 5 days a week but did so as I didn't have any other options at that point. So I've been looking for 12 hour shifts. I tried to work on something in my department but it just wasn't happening and pretty much seemed like it wouldn't happen. I applied for a position in another close and associated department that I know I like the people there but that wasn't going anywhere. Then I figured out that it would be the same supervisor as the hostile place and even though for a while I still hoped I finally realized a couple of weeks ago that I would never get that position and it was probably a good thing. I really didn't want to go back to being under that supervisor who didn't do anything to protect me against the bullying and harassment I received from her charge nurses. Plus I would have went back to having at least some dealing with some of the nurses (although not the one who was harassing me the most) that I had worked with before. So I started looking elsewhere. I got frustrated for a while and started to wonder if there was something on my application that was influencing managers not to call me as I hadn't gotten any response from several internal applications. I kept pushing though and last Friday got a call (that I missed) from a manager wanting to interview me. Before I could call her back on Monday she had called again and we set up an interview for Tuesday morning. I left the interview feeling like things had went fairly well and had been told they would let me know by the end of the week or early next week. Well, within an hour and a half human resources had called to offer me the position. I am really excited. I'll be working 12 hour night shifts and I'm really good with that. I was always mostly ok with nights and would truly rather work nights than 7am in the morning. Plus I get paid more for nights which I can really use right now. Plus I only have to work 3 nights a week although I can work 4 if I want to. I'll be working in post-partum. Possibly a strange choice for an infertile but I think it will still be a good move. Also it will hopefully give me a bit of insight as to whether I want to try NICU again in the future but will also be in a mostly stable environment. I really liked the manager and I think it's going to be a great move for me. Now if only I could take all my current co-workers with me.

Happy Halloween!

There is a reason why my animals hate Halloween. Here's Sadie's reason. This isn't as bad though as past years. It's sort of a pajama thing and not an actual dog costume. She as usual just looks at me like "Really?" Poor dog.

I did take my camera to work to get a photo of my Halloween shirt I made which was pretty much the extent of my costume this year. Unfortunately you can't really see much of the shirt here. No one seems to be able to figure out my camera. I will see if I can get someone else to take a pic of me in it later today but I don't know if I'll be able to.

Yesterday was a really good day. My friend called and asked if I wanted to take a road trip up to Vacaville as she has a friend there that was getting rid of some stuff. I said sure since it seemed like it would be a good day for a road trip and hey there is an outlet mall there. We had a lot of fun visiting all the way up and back, the drive wasn't too bad either. I didn't end up buying anything at the outlet mall though as funds are still tight and the couple of things I wanted to buy weren't any cheaper there than if I bought them here. Here is a picture of me though right before we left.

Hope everyone has a safe and fun Halloween tonight.

I Remembered!

My blogoversary! As of 10/26 I've been blogging for 4 years. Holy crap. Every year I think I'm going to acknowledge my blogoversary and every year I forget. So hey, maybe my memory is getting better? Probably not but oh well.

My weekend was too short again but overall it was a good one. I can't say I accomplished a lot but I had time to read a good book which is always nice. Sadie is doing much better (other than she still has a bladder infection) and no more seizures which is awesome.

On Sunday my sister found me on facebook which yes is probably a little thing but I get to actually see pictures of her and my niece. I have never seen my niece in person and I haven't seen my sis since 2002 so it's nice "seeing" her again. We also don't talk often so it's nice getting to see a bit more about what she's doing.

Otherwise not much happening. I did just finish my Halloween scrub shirt I was making and will post pictures later this week. I'm thinking I will wear it Friday and am hoping to get some accessories of sorts to go with it. That is if wally world still has the little bit extra I saw there last week.

Suddenly Fertile?

No, I'm not pregnant. You have to actually be having sex to be pregnant, or at least have the possibility of sperm coming into some near contact with your eggs. Neither is happening right now but it's still something that's on my mind. Daily.

I've had many people IRL comment to me that with the weight loss it will be easier to become (and stay I presume) pregnant. I know in many cases this can be true. Also like any (previous) fat or chubby girl there is always that little niggling of hope in the back of my mind that when I've lost 100 or 150 pounds that I will be able to get pregnant on my own without the medical intervention. There is a part of me that still thinks daily about how much I want to be a mother. However I also know that realistically the weight loss while doing numerous other things for me (like getting rid of diabetes, helping my heart and prolonging my life) may not do much for my fertility. I mean lets face it here, my body may be thinner and healthier but the eggs in them ol ovaries are still 40 years old and will be closer to 41 before I'm able to try again. Not that I don't think there might still be a couple of good ones in there somewhere but statistically what are my chances for managing to fertilize one of the good ones out of all the not so good ones without medical intervention. Add in the fact that I'm a bit sperm challenged (as in I don't have easy and cheap access to any) and that makes my chances even smaller. I have one vial of frozen sperm on ice at the clinic up in Sacramento that I do plan on at least attempting a home cycle with but I don't know that I can afford or if I even want to afford any type of actual cycle with drugs and all. I sort of feel a bit like I ended up in a state of complete financial ruin thanks to my aged ovaries and fat hiney and short of winning the lottery truly don't know if I can ever go back to trying again. That said I find myself still daily thinking of my desire to parent. I truly don't know where that leaves me. Yes I've thought some more about adoption but truly that is no more financially attainable than another IVF or donor egg cycle would be. Right now that sort of leaves me trying to live vicariously through a friend at work who's pregnant with her second child. Thankfully she seems to be more than happy to allow me this but it still leaves me wondering what will happen next.

Better

Well I ended up getting Sadie into the vet today and getting a bit more sleep. She seems to be doing mostly ok today although still has a bit of diarrhea. She hasn't had any further seizures and she is now back on her medicine. I was telling the vet what she was taking before and he said that seemed like a high amount. Then I remembered that she was a bit fatter a year and a half ago. Like 12 pounds fatter. So we're on a smaller amount and she's also taking some valium to help with preventing seizures until the phenobarbital hits a therapeutic level for her. I also have a couple of injections that I could give if she does start to have a seizure. Get this though. The injections? Are a liquid to be given either nasally or rectally. Oh yeah, that sounds like fun. At any rate she seems to be doing good and hopefully it will just keep on that way.

Well I Was Caught Up

On all my blog posts that is. Yeah, not so much now.

It's been a rough 24 hours. Last night I came home from walking Sadie and sat down to eat something and watch House from the night before. Once I was finished I got up and thought I would check my e-mail quickly and go to bed since I hadn't been getting much sleep lately. I happened to look down the hall and noticed massive quantities of puke in my bedroom. So into check on Sadie who is hiding in the closet and not currently having a seizure but I have no idea how long she had been having a problem. So outside we went and she's a little shaky but not bad. However before we could even make it back inside it all started up again. That one lasted about an hour. Long enough that I was freaking out as I know I probably should have taken her to the vet but at that time of night the only option is way out of my price range. So I sat with her until it stopped fully and then sat with her for another hour or so just petting her and helping her relax. She has cluster seizures and they tend to stop and start and stop and start etc. She used to take medication back before she went to live with the other person but when she came back to me I had no idea how long she had been off them. I was also sort of hoping that she would maybe go back to one every 3-4 months and we could live without the meds. Yeah, not really happening. At work today 2 of my co-workers offered to loan me enough money to take her to the vet. I hate accepting it but I need to get her in before she ends up in a non ending seizure that lands us at the emergency clinic. So today I called and made her an appointment for the vet on Saturday. I figured I'd be ok until then. Not so much with that either. I came home to more massive quantities of puke and just for fun (or shits and giggles) a pretty large quantity of poop too. Seems she also had diarrhea this time. Now I don't know if we're going to make it until Saturday. Poor baby. I worry about her so much. I also feel like a huge loser who can't afford to take care of my animals (and how the hell could I ever hope to take care of babies/children when I can't afford to take my dog to the vet. So tomorrow morning I'm calling the vet to see if they can get us in tomorrow. If they do, I know that there is no way I can get her over to the vet clinic and then all the way back across town and then back down town to work on time tomorrow. And if I'm more than 30 minutes late even if I call and tell them I'm going to be late it counts as a whole absence so if it's going to count as a whole absence I'm taking the day off. So I may be calling in sick tomorrow. Sucks and I really don't want to do this, especially since I've been applying for and hoping for a chance at some 12 hour positions but my dog not having any more seizures is sort of a big deal too. Hey, at least she's easy to give meds to. All I have to do is wrap it in meat.

Wonderful Sunday

Well except for the fact that it's Sunday which we all know is followed by Monday. However it's such a nice day here. It's cooled down quite a bit and I was even able to turn off the AC again. Here's hoping I don't have to turn it back on. It even sprinkled a bit this morning. Yesterday was nice too although still a bit on the warm side. I went and got all new tires on my car. I couldn't afford it but also didn't have much of a choice as the old tires were all pretty worn. Now to see which bills I can manage to pay.

Today consists of doing laundry and maybe I'll get around to organizing my hall closet. I also need to get my sewing machine out and work on finishing up some more of my blankets and hem the Halloween shirt I had made for work. I had found this fabulous fabric with bats on it which of course I had to make into a shirt. Now I just need to finish it in order to wear it. Although I think it's already too big. Yesterday I also got out all my Halloween decorations which was fun. I've got the outside patio area decorated. I will save the buying of candy for Halloween day and will likely try to pick out something I know I don't like and therefore won't eat. Tough when it comes to anything with sugar.

One of the things I've been enjoying a lot lately is living near an airport. See I live close to here and when I'm out walking Sadie I get some time to watch the planes taking off and landing. Especially on the weekends. I've also gotten to watch the owners drive their planes down the road to the entrance to the air port which is rather amusing too. It brings back memories of when I was pretty young. My grandfather had a small airplane that him and my grandmother would take trips in etc. I remember going up in it a few times and then remember my dad having a fit that it wasn't safe and not going up again. I also remember loving it though. How I'd love to get to know some of the local owners and to get to go for a flight sometime.